Title comes from "I Am My Own Muse" by Fall Out Boy.

February 2, 20XX

The café was finally empty, and Ren took a moment to slump against the counter. They were going to fight Maruki the next day, and they'd given him the calling card, and if they defeated him, everything would change. Ren wondered if they were ready for it. He wondered if he was ready for it.

"Ren."

Ren jerked up, turning towards the door. Yusuke was standing in the doorway, his face grave.

"I apologize. I've startled you."

"No, it's fine," Ren replied quickly, straightening his back and pushing off from the counter. "Do you need something?"

"I wished to see my mother's portrait before we enter Maruki's Palace tomorrow," Yusuke admitted. "I've made a sort of habit of seeing her before each Palace, if possible."

"Of course," Ren agreed. "I can go upstairs, if you want to be alone."

"That is unnecessary." Yusuke eyed him. "I also wished to check in with you. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Ren told him, trying to sound like he meant it. "Don't worry about me."

Yusuke's face went even graver. "I apologize, Ren, but I must push. You are not alright, and we can all tell. I wish to help."

"I'm fine, really." Ren backed up slightly, heading to the end of the counter. "I'll go upstairs, and you can spend some time with your mother."

"Ren, you have every right to be upset," Yusuke said earnestly. "Maruki was a friend, someone you trusted. To have to go against him in such a way… It is a challenge. I know it well."

"Really, I'm-"

"And I imagine you are also upset about Akechi."

Ren froze. "What do you mean?"

"I am not a fool," Yusuke said mildly, only the barest edge in his voice. "I am aware that Akechi is only alive thanks to Maruki's influence on reality. When Maruki is defeated and everything returns to normal, he will be dead once more." Yusuke hesitated. "The thought discomforts me as well, I must admit, but Akechi has been the most steadfast in wishing to defeat Maruki, and I cannot imagine he's been ignorant of this fact. I suppose this is his choice to make."

Yusuke was right; Akechi knew full well what his fate would be, but he'd still insisted at every opportunity that Maruki needed to be stopped. Ren knew that he hated the idea of being defanged in the way Maruki seemed to be smoothing out everyone's edges, and if he would rather be dead than be Maruki's plaything…

Well. Ren couldn't blame him, and it wasn't his choice anyway.

"You're right, he'll die," he told Yusuke. "But like you said, it's Akechi's choice. I don't want him to die, but if this is what he wants, I'll respect his wishes."

"And yet, this is not all that upsets you," Yusuke mused. At Ren's surprise, he added, "I have learned how to read you, dear leader. I've certainly drawn you enough to know your face, and I can see that you are hiding something. There's a certain shadow that always haunts your eyes when you do."

There was something Ren was hiding, something he hadn't mentioned to anyone. The only one who knew was Akechi, he assumed, although he'd never said a word. Perhaps it was because Akechi didn't want any cracks in Ren's resolve, and this…

This was a crack.

"I'm fine," Ren told Yusuke anyway. "I'm just nervous about tomorrow. Maruki is strong, and-"

"Ren. Please respect me enough not to lie to me."

The words hit Ren like knives. He swallowed hard. Yusuke's face was resolute, but not cold or angry. On the contrary, Ren was sure Yusuke would do his best to comfort Ren if he knew the problem.

That wasn't Yusuke's job. Yusuke wasn't the leader.

Ren wasn't a very good leader if he was lying to his teammates.

"On Christmas Eve," he began slowly, "after we defeated Yaldabaoth, Sae-san came to find me. She congratulated us on taking down Shido and saving Japan, and then… Then she told me that the police would require a scapegoat. They would need someone to punish for everything that had happened thanks to the Metaverse, and if we weren't careful, they'd come for all of us. The only option would be if…" The words stuck in his throat, but Ren pushed them out. "If I gave myself up."

Yusuke sucked in a shocked breath, but said nothing.

"Sae-san said she could guarantee that the rest of you would be safe if I did. She said my probation would be revoked, and I'd be put into juvenile detention and probably in solitary confinement, but it would ensure that Shido saw justice and the rest of you were safe. And I- I was going to say yes, and then Akechi arrived, and he said he'd testify instead, since he was the one who'd actually committed the crimes. But in the true reality, Akechi is dead, so that wouldn't have happened, so I-"

Ren didn't want to be arrested again.

"Ren," Yusuke whispered. "Ren, I… I apologize. I did not know."

"I didn't tell anyone," Ren said. He put on his bravest face and added, "It's okay. If that's what it takes to keep everyone safe, I can do it."

"Is there no other way? You needn't always be the one to sacrifice yourself for the rest of us. Someone else could take the fall."

"No, it has to be me. I'm the one they already know, and I'm the leader, and I'm the one who already has a criminal record anyway. I'm the only option that makes sense."

Ren did believe that, honestly. If someone had to take the fall for everything they'd done, if someone was going to be punished for it, he'd rather it be him than anyone else. He was the leader; it was his job to protect his team. He'd take the fall for them. He'd be alright.

That didn't mean he was looking forward to it.

"Ren," Yusuke whispered, "how much do you do for us that we never even know about?"

"I'm the leader," Ren repeated, trying to sound confident. He was usually better at it. "It's my job to take care of you."

"It's your job to lead us," Yusuke corrected, "but we can all take care of each other. You don't need to do everything."

"I'm fine," Ren assured him. "I'm fine, really, I'm-"

"You don't always have to be," Yusuke said, and he pulled Ren into a hug.

Ren's first impulse was to break out of the hold. He squirmed, not willing to fight Yusuke but not wanting to stay still either. "Yusuke-"

"You don't always have to be fine," Yusuke repeated. "You don't always have to be strong. We can be strong for you sometimes. Please, will you let me take care of you now?"

"Yusuke," Ren repeated, but his voice broke. Yusuke held him tighter, and Ren felt his hands go up and wrap around Yusuke in return, clinging to him. He was fine, he was fine, he was fine-

"I will take care of you," Yusuke murmured, and Ren burst into tears.

To Yusuke's credit, he hardly flinched; he just adjusted his embrace slightly to let Ren bury his face into Yusuke's shoulder. It might have been more comfortable if they'd sat down in one of the booths, but they didn't; they stayed standing by the counter, Yusuke holding Ren close while he cried.

"I'm scared," Ren admitted in a whisper. He wasn't even sure if his words were loud enough for Yusuke to hear, but he said them anyway. "After I was arrested last year, after I was interrogated back in November… I don't want to be arrested again. I don't want to go to jail. I'm scared, Yusuke, but I know I have to do it anyway, and I just-" Yusuke was holding him too tightly to let him free a hand to wipe at his eyes, so he just buried his face in Yusuke's shoulder for another moment. He'd have to remember to offer to wash it afterwards, and maybe lend Yusuke another shirt.

"I would take this on for you if I could," Yusuke murmured. "I would take your place in a heartbeat if it would spare you."

"I don't want you to," Ren said quickly, frantically. "I don't want any of you to be in a position like that. That's the only way I can get myself to do it, knowing that it'll keep the rest of you safe."

Yusuke rubbed his back lightly. "You are truly an incredible leader."

"No, I'm not," Ren argued. "Akechi is part of the team too, and if we do this, he's going to die, and I'm worried about ending up in prison? How can I be afraid when he isn't? How can I have second thoughts when he's so steadfast in what he wants? This will kill him, Yusuke, and I'm just worried because that means he can't take the fall for us anymore."

"First," Yusuke said gently, "Akechi would not be taking the fall for us, as he is the one who committed the true crimes. And second, you can be afraid even if Akechi is not. Even if he truly is unafraid, which I doubt, that is his feeling, not yours. I believe Akechi has been ready to die for quite a long time. He's had time to come to terms with it. But this… Have you been wrestling with it since Christmas Eve?"

"Since we figured out what Maruki was doing," Ren admitted.

"I wish you'd told me," Yusuke said gently. "I don't know that I could have helped, but I wish you didn't have to worry alone."

"I- I'm the leader. I'm supposed to handle these things."

"Just because you're our leader doesn't mean you have to handle everything entirely alone. Just as we would never leave you to fight your way through a Palace alone, we do not wish to leave you to fight any battles alone."

"Isn't this my battle, though? I'm the one who would be going to prison."

"For something that we have all done together. To protect the rest of us. You are an exceptional leader, Ren, and you are very good at taking care of yourself and the rest of us, but we can take care of ourselves too. We can also take care of you."

Ren's parents had never been particularly abusive. They'd also never been particularly present. Ren had learned from a young age how to take care of himself, and he'd never expected anyone else to do it for him. The thought of letting someone else take care of him was alien and a little uncomfortable.

But letting Yusuke hold him tightly felt so warm and good.

"I'll try to be more honest," Ren allowed quietly. "I'll try to talk to someone if something's bothering me. I- I don't know if I'll always do it, but…"

"It is difficult," Yusuke agreed. "Perhaps we all ought to make a vow to try to be better at it."

The thought of being beholden to the entire team to be more honest felt briefly crushing. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for that," Ren admitted. "Could we… Could we start with just the two of us? Maybe we can bring in the others later."

Yusuke looked startled for a moment, then his face softened. "Of course. I would be honored." His lips curved slightly upwards. "Shall we make a deal?"

Well, Ren never could resist a good deal.

"If you try to be more honest with me when something's bothering you or you need help, I'll do the same with you," he bargained. "That way, neither of us need to do things alone."

"I gladly accept," Yusuke said, finally letting Ren go and taking half a step back. He held out his hand. "Shall we shake on it?"

Ren took Yusuke's hand and shook it, then he pulled Yusuke back in for another hug. "For now," he whispered, fighting past the shame to get the words out, "can we just… stay here together?"

"Of course," Yusuke agreed. He was tall enough that he could press his cheek to the top of Ren's head, and he did, leaning on him in a way that felt comforting and wonderfully intimate. "We can stay here for as long as you wish."

If they succeeded in their mission, if they took down Maruki, then Ren would more than likely wake up the next morning in solitary confinement. He'd be separated from his friends for who knows how long. He'd be alone, and he'd have to take care of himself.

But until then… Maybe letting someone else take care of him wasn't the worst thing in the world.

"Thank you, Yusuke."

"Any time, Ren."