Awfully cursed Potter.
A Harry Potter fanfiction, by An Orc.
Warning: contains parts of Cursed child and Lawyer!Daphne. Does not contain even trace quantities of Novocaine, so don't worry. In fact, keep calm and carry on.
Harry Potter, the man-who-was-going-to-get-hyphenated-again-soon for personal misbehavior, sat in his office, as head of DMLE, looked at the letter from Ginny, fortunately not a Howler.
'Harry
So you decided to shag Hermione.
Thank you so much.
You can explain to your children why mummy's not coming home,
and why Auntie Hermione, Minister for magic is Daddy's private sextoy!
Your soon-to-be-ex-wife
Ginevra Weasley.
P.S Have hired Snatchitt, Grabbitt and Runne as my lawyers. I'm going to leave you high and dry you … Harry Potter.
P.P.S Have gone to my mothers. So don't think you can cadge food or childcare from her!
'
Harry thought about that. No howler. Not a single profanity. He read the letter again, and realised she'd used his actual name as a profanity. He scratched the hair on the back of his head.
Bugger. The 'thing' with Hermione had been a… Harry wanted to say spur-of-the-moment thing, but Ginny's movement reports, coming in as part of all high-profile-persons watch, rather irritatingly lined up with the captain of the Spanish national Quidditch team. Not that she was doing anything… immoral. Dennis had filled pages and pages of surveillance reports. They talked.
Harry remembered talking to…
He snorted. He'd never really talked to Ginny for any length of time, snogging was always preferable. Even when they'd married… well they were newlyweds, and Aurors and professional Quidditch players are both quite fit professions. Beds had, in fact broken. Harry felt a flush of arousal, tempered by awkwardness. Ginny had liked it … rough. As a witch, she was far tougher than a muggle, and she was a quidditch player… which was a rough game. Harry always felt awkward doing some of the things Ginny wanted. It felt wrong. But also… sex.
The 'thing' with Hermione… well shagging in her office on her desk was definitely wrong, morally wrong but it had been so … comfortable. And since then they'd… comfortably shagged a few times. Hermione did like things done her way, but she was, well she'd always been like that. And she was very broadminded about showing her appreciation. Harry tried to stop thinking about Hermione for a second, and concentrate on the letter. He took a quill and started making bullet-points.
Intent? What was the intent of the letter? To tell Harry she was moving out, going to her mothers, leaving him to organise childcare for Lily… and… She was using lawyers. So a divorce, however you did that in magical Britain.
Harry looked at his bullet points. He needed a lawyer, a discreet lawyer, right now. He'd inherited a lot of money from his parents, even more from Sirius, then bought Briar-hill, a little house on the edge of a muggle village called Brackhampton, with Ginny. Apart from one nosey old lady, it was great. More importantly, he had the family invisibility cloak, Slytherin's broken locket, and Grimmauld place, and the derelict cottage in Godric's hollow. Maybe he owned other properties, but he'd never had time to look at that. The Death Eaters needed to be rounded up at the end of the war, and then there was always something, then the boys were born… then Lily.
Harry realised, guiltily he hadn't ever even made a will. He really needed to will Grimmauld place to Teddy.
Harry looked at the bullet-points he'd doodled as he'd thought. There was only one thing to do. He needed a lawyer. One who could ensure Ginny got a fair, but not crippling settlement. She earned as much, if not more than Harry anyway, maybe he could get some child support from her.
And he needed a lawyer that wasn't Snatchitt, Grabbit and Runne. And he knew nothing about civil lawyers; he controlled the Aurors, they sent people to the Wizengamot for hearings, after that it was DMLE prosecutions, who Harry basically ignored. They were a bit wet, after all people like the Malfoy's routinely got off everything. And like a 'lumos' in a darkened broom-closet Harry had a brilliant idea. He took the letter, and it's bullet-points and left his office.
"Stephen?" said Harry. His secretary looked up, all brown hair and brown beard.
"I'm going out, personal business for the afternoon. Tell the head Auror not to have an emergency, and send a Patronus if there's I dunno, a dark lord that needs his head kicked in." said Harry.
Stephen nodded, and made a note.
"Shall I memogamme the Minister, so she can … coordinate her personal business" said Stephen in a tone of barely concealed sarcasm.
"Stephen… nothing to do with the Minister. Take some time out tonight to fuck yourself" said Harry pleasantly.
"I was just asking" said Stephen.
Harry mused as he headed to the fireplaces, that Stephen was a obnoxious little shit. Did take good notes, and nobody would suggest Harry was shagging him. There was even – perish the thought some witch he lived with.
Harry flooed from the ministry atrium to… 'Malfoy Manor!'
He stepped out into the overdone, tasteless, really expensive front hall of Malfoy Manor. For someone who'd been fined millions, he still looked just as rich as back in the war years.
"SHOP!" Harry yelled rudely.
The sound of shoes on marble click-clacked in the distance, slowly getting closer.
Out of one of the arched doorways, came a Draco Malfoy. Harry had been expecting a rich blonde prat, a little older. Draco instead looked nearly fifty, with receding hair, stubble and a pink nose. His clothes were expensive, but… tattered and stained.
"Fuck" croaked Draco Malfoy.
"Hello Draco" said Harry. "I need the name of a lawyer who can get me off."
Draco Malfoy blinked and stared at Harry. "You killed someone in the Atrium, didn't you?" he asked. Harry ignored that quip.
"My wife is divorcing me." said Harry.
Malfoy opened his mouth and nothing came out. After a while, he closed his mouth.
"Weaslette divorcing you?" said Malfoy, looking at Harry in what Harry suspected was incredulity. "She's been spreading her legs for you since she was twelve. She'd probably lick your arse clean! There's no way she'd divorce you."
"I've been cheating on her with Hermione" said Harry bluntly, not bothering to rise to Malfoys' childishly coarse accusations.
"That?" said Malfoy "You cheated on Ginny Weasley's arse for Granger? Ironingboard Granger?"
Harry entertained the pleasant thought of perhaps misfiling a prisoner movement and accidentally sending Draco to Azkaban for a little break… for eighty or ninety years. And Hermione had much bigger breasts since Rose and Hugo. Ginny's bum, well Harry found himself regretfully agreeing with Draco Malfoy – but only inside his head. Ginny's figure had even arseholes like Blasie Zabini taking note, she had been probably the prettiest girl at Hogwarts, with Cho Chang coming a close second.
Harry took a deep breath. "Malfoy, I need a lawyer to ensure family heirlooms stay in the family, that the current heir of the Black family gets his inheritance… that sort of thing.
Malfoy's ferrety face narrowed further has he narrowed his brows. "You never made a will?" Malfoy asked.
"I was busy" said Harry.
Draco shook his head "And I thought I was a bad parent. Fuck Potter, you suck."
"Look, Ginny sent me a letter saying she's got Snatchitt, Grabbit and Runne, and that she was going to try to crush me." said Harry firmly.
Draco leaned on the nearest pillar, now quite clearly hung-over "Fuck" he said "She really hates you. That's the firm WE use."
"The one that got your father off in the first war?" asked Harry.
Draco nodded "Though, all hope is not lost. Two divorces and one marriage?"
Harry shrugged. "This is ME, doing things for MY family."
Draco tilted his head "So the Granger thing not working out so well?"
"It doesn't matter." said Harry, "My children, and Teddy matter. Not losing all the family's savings matters."
"You're prepared to put your family before … your mistress?" asked Draco.
"I'm comfortable with her, but … This is going to be a shit sandwich forever. Better I just take my beating now." said Harry.
Strangely, Malfoy nodded. "I used to expect you to do things for yourself" said Draco. "But you don't really, do you?"
Harry said nothing.
"Did you even start the things with Granger?" asked Draco, a malicious gleam in his eyes.
Harry defensively said "It's none of your business."
Draco shrugged. "Now, I'm going to suggest a company, but I have a family relationship to them, so you can see that as a reason I'd lie to you."
Harry nodded "You are a shitty human being." he agreed.
"I'm not the one being divorced for cheating with a married woman" said Draco. "I was married to MY wife, till she died."
"How'd she die" asked Harry "The DMLE can always go digging, if you'd rather?"
"Try" said Draco, coldly, "Drag me up in front of the wizengamot – you'll look like a vindictive idiot. She was … ill and she died trying to have our second child."
Then, unaccountably, Draco Malfoy started to cry.
Even more unaccountably, Harry felt a sickening sensation in his chest.
He felt… like he'd been an arsehole to… Draco Malfoy and… he hadn't deserved it. Not… this time.
"Sorry" Harry whispered.
"Viridian" said Draco Malofy, sniffing. "They're discreet."
-==0==-
Harry nipped into Grimmauld place and visisted the bank vault he's installed in an old basement room, instead of Gringotts, and took out some gems. Harry felt that the double-handful of huge rubies and emeralds should be worth plenty of money. Gringotts had never had forgiven them for the burgulary.
Viridian's office was over a florist in Diagon Alley. Harry opened the door off the landing and stepped into a room with a desk, some soft chairs, and bookshelves of books that all looked similar.
An inner door opened and a woman about Harry's age, pretty in a tall, put-together, blonde-haired, aristocratic way stepped into the room, then stopped. She was wearing a grey dress robe that looked so unadorned, it was making some sort of statement. Grey shoes and Grey tights too.
'You're Harry Potter" she said, sounding confused. Harry had his doubts about her brainpower.
"Draco Malfoy recommended Viridian. I need a lawyer for a civil matter, who can get me off."
The woman pulled herself together again.
"Director Potter" she said "I am Daphne Greengrass. For my many sins, I'm the nearest thing Scorpius Malfoy has to a mother, and a partner with Viridian. What can I do for you?"
"I need a lawyer who'll win in my divorce with Ginny Potter" said Harry.
"Are you the initiator?" asked Daphne Greengrass.
"No" admitted Harry.
"Who's she using?" asked Greengrass.
"Snatchitt, Grabbit and Runne" said Harry.
"Well that's not good." said Greengrass. "And why?"
"I need some sort of contract don't I?" asked Harry.
Greengrass nodded slightly, snorting softly "Yes, Director of the DMLE, for Lawyer-Client confidentiality to apply, you need to hire us first."
"What's an appropriate sum?" asked Harry.
"A thousand galleons, we'll remit unspent monies when the hearing's over" said Greengrass.
Harry reached into his pocket and dropped the two handfuls of gems on the table.
"You've overpaid" said Greengrass. Harry shrugged.
"We'll owl you a receipt when those… ludicrous gems are valued at Gringotts." said Greengrass. "Pray, explain?"
"I cheated in Ginny with Hermione Granger-Weasely" said Harry. "And yes, more than once. Ginny knows, and sent me a letter. Harry put the letter on the table.
Greengrass moved across the room quietly like some sort of very solid ghost, picked up the letter and skimmed it.
"Greedy" she said mildly, putting the letter down. "We'll need a complete list of all your assets."
"That's also a problem" said Harry "I never checked if I own other stuff."
"Well, Gringotts vault?" asked Greengrass.
"Don't have one. Robbed a Gingottts vault in the war, had to move all my stuff to my own private vault." said Harry "I own a couple of houses, a townhouse in London."
"She doesn't want a house?" asked – Harry's lawyer, he realised.
"Expect not" said Harry. "She earns more than me; can we wrangle some child support?"
Greengrass snorted, then laughed. "You are an optimist." she said, with a small smile.
"Oh, and I don't have a will" admitted Harry.
Daphne Greengrass lost her smile "I see we're going to be hard at work."
"That's what got me into this mess" said Harry, with a wicked crooked grin.
Greengrass ignore his little joke.
"Did you just wake up one day and decide to crash your life into the ground at speed?" asked Greengrass.
"Um. No. It's been coming for years really" admitted Harry.
"Everyone thought you and Granger had a thing at school." volunteered Greengrass, who Harry finally remembered had been the quiet blonde in Slytherin behind Pansy. He'd technically had potions and Defence with her for five years.
"No" said Harry "She and Ron had UST, till the war ended."
"Oh. So no threesomes" said Daphne Greengrass deadpan.
"Strange as it may seem, given my immense fame, I'm … rather more boring in bed than…" said Harry.
"Ginny Weasley would prefer" said Daphne Greengrass perceptively. Harry simply shrugged.
"Hmm. Mr Potter, you show the signs of having had what we in the trade call a dead marriage walking for some time. Are you going to remarry with Miss Granger?" asked Daphne Greengrass.
"Why should that matter or not?" Harry asked.
"Sympathy votes" she said sourly "The adjudicator will probably be old and married, so someone wanting to change who they're married to will do better than…"
"Someone who married straight out of school to their first proper girlfriend and is now drifting into middle age" said Harry.
Daphne Greengrass's eyebrows went up. "That's horribly perceptive of you."
"My brain solves cases. I'm not just a pretty face." said Harry.
"Witch Weekly disagree." said Greengrass cheekily.
"They're vultures. How do they even get pictures of me in my gym gear?" asked Harry.
"I don't know, but given your advanced age, you look okay in running shorts" said Greengrass.
"I can still run a mile in under five minutes" admitted Harry.
"Can I sell that fact to Witch Weekly?" asked Greengrass, eyebrows up.
"What I want is a lawyer who can get me off" said Harry. "I need the family savings preserved, the houses kept, and a few very private heirlooms kept with me, so I can leave them on to my children and heirs later… once I'm dead."
"With no will. And no list of assets. Not an easy client." said Greengrass.
"Oh I'm easy – that's the problem" said Harry.
"Are you drunk?" asked Greengrass.
"Wish I was. Need to go home and look after my ten-year-old daughter." said Harry.
"Well, make a list while you do that of everything you know you own – " started Greengrass.
Harry handed over his bullet-point list.
"And leave your poor lawyer to deal with the ministry. Trying to find the extent of your estate." said Greengrass.
"Well, as I overpaid, take one stone, and treat yourself. Buy clothes that aren't grey?" said Harry.
"I'm in mourning" said Greengrass, and Harry felt horribly awkward.
"Sorry" he said, suspecting he'd just insulted a widow.
"Sorry won't being my sister back" said Greengrass.
"He looks like shit" said Harry.
"Because he drinks his meals" said Greengrass harshly.
Awkward silence.
"With no Gringotts vault, how much gold do you have?" asked Greengrass.
"Twenty three thousand galleons when I moved it after the war" said Harry "I spend less than my pay. So more now."
Daphne Greengrass shook her head "You have no Gringotts vault, so what little you have is in a small safe at home. Has Ginny seen it, seen inside it?"
Harry wondered about that.
"Um. Maybe not. She doesn't go to that house ever, and doesn't have a key or the combination" said Harry.
"Hypothetically" said Greengrass "Your gold is in a small safe. About a thousand galleons. Several years pay, but you lost the rest to Gringotts."
Harry wanted to say 'But I got Kingsley to pay me the money,' then he realised what Greengrass was saying.
"I'll get a small safe and make sure it looks like – " started Harry.
"Greengrass interrupted "No, you own a small safe, and have many years of earnings saved up. You're certainly not hiding funds. As a lawyer I could be compelled to disclose that."
That afternoon Harry set Lily to work on a jigsaw puzzle, used a comb-a-chameleon to disguise himself, bought a small safe, and installed it at Grimmauld place. He took a little gold from his vault, concealed the vault carefully by moving china hutches, and nearly filled the safe with gold. As suggested by his sarcastic, devious lawyer he had a small safe of gold. That gave him another idea.
Then he went and wasted money on an invisibility cloak, and got Kreacher to swap it with the family cloak in James's Hogwarts trunk– which he put into the vault. James could use a demiguise hair cloak.
Harry emptied the old mokeskin pouch of old Horcruxes and a Hawthorn wand onto a conjured table in the vault. He looked at the pouch, Hagrid had given it to him, and he valued it, but … it wasn't irreplacable.
A week, an awful howler fulled week went past. His boys now apparently hated him, Molly wanted him to die, and the Daily Prophet ran article after article about how awful he was. Hermione managed to keep her problems quiet-er. Ron sent him a letter. Well, practically a memo.
'If you were such a good mate, why did you bang my wife.'
Sending Ron a letter comparing banging his wife with banging his little sister, Harry thought, while amusing might be counter-productive. It's not like Hermione was better than Ginny. It was just… less fraught with accumulated issues, and she didn't want to be choked.
-==0==-
The actual hearing went ludicrously well. So well, in fact that Harry was starting to wonder if DMLE prosecutions were actually good at lawyering. Greengrass got Harry's 'safe of galleons' divided down the middle for Ginny, and the list of properties was read through by the arbitrator.
"Twelve Grimmauld place?" read the arbitrator.
"Entailed to the Black heir" said Daphne Greengrass politely.
"The famous cottage at Godrics hollow?"
"A ruin, preserved by the ministry" said Daphne Greengrass, making a little tick mark on her list.
Greengrass had added a lit of properties to the list at some point, and they were read out as just "Black family property number three, derelict, Black family property number four, derelict…"
Finally they got to "And a house, Briar-hill at Brackhampton."
"My client lives there with his children, the other buildings are somewhat unsafe for children, dark magic residues." said Greengrass.
"Potter bought this Briar Hill after marrying My client" said Phineas Grabbit. "We've had it assessed as being worth … with currency conversion to galleons, twenty-three thousand."
Greengrass interrupted "I would like to point out that while the muggle building in muggle money could be valued as that much, a magical copy of a four-bedroom bungalow would not cost more than three hundred galleons; it has no magical features, no protections built in, it is in that respect just a brick box in the shape of a house."
"Hmm" said David Davidson the adjudicator, who was so short Harry suspected they were a dwarf. "We will check that ourselves, I think."
"My client's expenses" said Greengrass politely, offering up a sheet "He has a number of entailed and derelict properties, which will require restoration, three children… As Miss Weasley's income is rather greater than Mr Potters'… we would like to raise the spectre of child support payments."
"My client's income is the product of her hard work, she is entitled to all of it" said Grabbit.
David Davidson harrumphed "They are her children, so she can pay half the cost of raising them, until they reach their twenty-first birthday."
"My client has spent most of his income supporting his family so far" said Greengrass sincerely, slipping a parchment over to David Davidson.
Harry was astonished at the smoothness of that lie, how convincing it was. 'Well, she's your lawyer, hired to get you off' he thought to himself. And then that he should never get on the wrong side of Greengrass – she'd have him slapped in Azkaban on trumped up charges quicker than you could say 'Hagrid did it.' Harry envisioned the huge pile of gold in his vault, still less than Grabbit had Briar hill valued at, but… a substantial sum. Harry wondered for the first time if he was almost rich.
"Hm… they must eat like starved inferii" said Davidson.
"Weasley inheritance" said Harry. His children were fairly hearty eaters who ran around like nutters all the time. They fit into the greater Weasley family perfectly, and his boys reminded Harry of young Ron. Ginny, by the time he started taking her out for meals, was a professional athlete, so she trained incredibly hard and ate at least as much as Harry, which as she was barely five foot three was always funny to explain to waiters. Harry was uncomfortably reminded of the way Ginny would suggestively explain it as "Well… I've got a big appetite" after a restaurant meal. They'd inevitably go home afterwards and have energetic, rough … snogging.
Harry wished he could stop remembering Ginny that way. She wasn't his friend now.
A day later, Greengrass owl-posted Harry the ruling. Harry read the top sheet, from the arbitrator. He was going to owe Ginny nearly eight thousand galleons, but she'd have to pay for all the children's school supplies, and fifty galleons each a year on top.
Well, thought Harry, could be worse.
-==0==-
A day later, Harry got an owl-letter.
'Potter,
Need to organise a time and place to exchange funds. Your unspent balance with Viridian is GG546, which is a fairly large sum. We advise you should have a sack of galleons – 7544 of them, ready for us to take to Snatchitt, Grabbitt and Runne, in order to comply with the ruling.
Daphne Greengrass for Viridian.
P.S. Two hour appointment will be required after settlement; unspent funds will be reduced there by to approx. 446.
'
Harry made breakfast for Lily, and helped her get ready for a trip to Stephanie's house by floo. Stephanie's parents were, according to his office, safe enough, and Lily would be supervised.
"Dad?" asked Lily "What did you do to make mum so angry?"
"I um, slept with aunt Hermione" said Harry.
"Phht!" went Lily "A sleepover's not that bad."
Harry stilled, wondering if Lily was that innocent. Possibly.
"Besides mum always talks about Fernando Garcias" said Lily, and Harry realised Lily was being polite.
"She wasn't having sleepovers when she moved out" said Harry.
Lily frowned "Dad, Uncle Ron's really mad at you. Like, proper mad."
Harry nodded "That makes sense" he admitted.
"Vic says you should have kept it in your pants?" asked Lily. "Don't Worry, Teddy stuck up for you. Claimed Aunty Hermione can't be innocent in this. Which of you started it?"
"Um" said Harry awkwardly "Your mum and I have been having problems for a long time."
Lily nodded "Since I was born dad. I can do the math. James, two years, Al, two years, me, and no more kids."
"It's not your fault" said Harry preemptively.
"Are you going to tell me a story now about how it's nobody's fault?" asked Lily sarcastically.
"It's Hermione and I's fault" said Harry. "And maybe I never talked to your mum enough."
"You two were always shagging." said Lily precociously "Really loudly too. Stephanie says Her parents don't make so much noise that the house shakes." Harry kissed his daughter on the head, she was as kind as Ginny and as tactful as Harry.
"So if Aunty Hermione comes to visit, will I get any sleep?" asked Lily. "And where are we going to live?"
"I'm paying your mum a settlement, we're keeping Briar-hill. Ginny will pay towards your schooling, and fifty galleons a year each."
"Woot!" said Lily "My parents divorced but on the upside, my pocket-money's ludicrous!" She sounded only slightly sarcastic. Harry looked at her using his serious face.
"Are we gonna be broke?" asked Lily quite seriously.
"My lawyer got me off" said Harry, and Lily blushed. "DAD!" she said "You're a man-whore!"
Harry eyed his almost teenager. "Ha Ha" he said "I've got to go see Viridian, the law firm with a sack of gold for your mum. And a meeting after that too, apparently. I'll still have enough money to buy you a broom if you make the quidditch team."
"If I wanted to make the quidditch team, Al doesn't play, but I suppose that's okay as he's a disappointment, for being in Slytherin house."
Harry took a slow breath, in and out. "Al's a disappointment for being friends with Scorpius Malfoy" said Harry. "Nothing else."
"Well" said Lily, tapping her fingers together in a steeple "I've got news for you about a bigger disappointment – your girlfriends' daughter."
Harry wondered if Minerva McGonagall found his children this stressful.
"So you're about to dish some dirt on Rose?" asked Harry.
"And you admit Aunty Hermione' your girlfriend. Gross. Anyway..." said Lily.
"The point, Potter" said Harry, channelling Snape. "Get to it."
"Rose is not dating Scorpius Malfoy, however Scorpius moons over her. It's revolting. Rose so far can resist his blandishments, and ignore his pretty eyelashes." said Lily.
"What?" asked Harry, thinking … this counts as a portent, doesn't it? Hermione, Ron, Draco, they'd all die of disgust. Then the thought surfaced… clearly Scorpius isn't disgusted at the idea of kissing a muggle-born. Rose was a pretty enough girl, though Hermione's uncontrollable hair in red was a sight to behold.
Harry sighed "That would be a difficult relationship" he said.
"Rose says he's far too proud of himself." offered Lily. "Vic says Rose should take Scorpius, because she'd be rich once she was Mrs Malfoy, and Rose could buy all the books she ever wanted."
"And what did Rose say to that?" asked Harry, deciding that yes, he was going to hear about the mental processes of his nieces, even if it made him want to laugh and cry.
"That buying her affections would only work if he had a really big library" said Lily "Then Vic said something about sausages. I'd got bored."
Harry snorted. He couldn't help himself.
"If you marry Aunt Hermione, will that make Rose my sister?" asked Lily. "She and Al fight a Lot."
"I'm not sure where Aunt Hermione and I are going" said Harry honestly. "You guys are more important to me"
"Does that mean you're taking a day off tomorrow to take me to the zoo?" asked Lily.
-==0==-
It took Harry all evening to enchant a sack to be both space-expanded and light. The trip to Grimmauld place afterwards was anticlimactic; go in, fill the sack, out again. Harry heard what was either a very big rat or Kreacher moving about. Honestly, he hoped it was the rat.
Greengrass gave him a receipt the next day when he dropped it off, then insisted he carry the sack along to Snatchitt, Grabitt and Runne ; "You're good security" she quipped.
Harry dropped the sack in their office – swankier than Viridian, and Greengrass got a receipt, which she handed to Harry "Paid out" she said "Can you take an appointment now?"
Harry checked his watch.
"Tomorrow?" asked Harry. "Sort of busy."
"You need this" said Greengrass mysteriously.
Harry went back to Viridian, and fired a Patronus to Steve, to tell him Harry was dealing with legal matters for two hours.
Greengrass opened the office door into a back office "we should talk more privately." she said, and pointed to her ear.
Harry followed grey robes and grey shoes into a small neat office with a picture of a horse on the wall.
"Buttercup. My first horse" explained Greengrass, closing the door and lowering a rune-engraved bar across the door.
"The room is protected against eavesdropping" explained Greengrass, and she sat down "You've got some news you were NOT expecting."
"Really, what news?" asked Harry.
"When I went to get money from the LeStrange estate, the executor was being very suspicious" started Greengrass "And with some digging, I found there's an heir alive."
"A LeStrange?" said Harry "That's a surprise."
"A bastard" said Greengrass "And a distant relation of yours."
Harry entertained a moment's imagination that Sirius had shagged his cousin. No, too ridiculous.
"But I got the dowry back, and the one for Narcissa Malfoy too" said Greengrass "It's a lot."
"Define a lot." asked Harry, quite seriously.
"A hundred thousand galleons" said Greengrass "At this point, I will say I'm single."
"Isn't that very unprofessional of you?" asked Harry.
"More sarcastic" said Greengrass, with one eyebrow up. "That's serious money. You should keep quiet about it, least of all to keep Ginevra out of your hair."
"Well, good news." said Harry, thinking… I think I might be rich now.
"Bad news, I can't work out who the Bastard's father is. But she was raised by a Mrs Rowle, who claims 'she'll end up coming to no good' which is a charming sentiment in a primary caregiver."
"She?" asked Harry.
"A teenage girl" said Greengrass. "Raised by strangers, currently finishing her seventh year at jolly old Hogwarts."
"A name?"
"She's going by Delphini Diggory" said Greengrass "And that's as fake as a pink galleon."
"Diggory?" asked Harry.
"Amos's niece, supposedly." said Greengrass "Far closer to your niece, really. The Diggory's are well, they've never been right since Cedric died, but when I talked to them, they seemed like perfectly ordinary memory charmed patsy's to me."
"Memory charmed?" asked Harry.
"I scoped out their house when I went to the loo. No real evidence she'd ever lived there" said Greengrass.
"Are you an amateur detective?" asked Harry.
"I was looking for a picture I could copy for you" admitted Greengrass "Hogwarts stakeout's your best bet."
"Why?" asked Harry.
"Because I bribed the goblins for information, and they admitted nearly denying Miss not-Diggory her vault because she's related to you somehow." said Greengrass.
Harry scratched the back of his head "The goblins won't let my children have vaults. They um…"
"Banned your get" said Greengrass "They explained. I've never had goblins point spears at me before."
And then, less unexpectedly, there was a will to sign.
"The lump sum to you, is being paid in gems. It's still going to be a big sackful" said Greengrass. "If I was you, I'd get a vault and install it in a house you own, but don't live in."
Harry raised his eyebrows, and she didn't even flinch, just raising a single eyebrow in retaliation.
Bloody Slytherins with their raising-one-eyebrow stuff. And she really was annoyingly sarcastic.
"Are we done?" asked Harry.
"You should keep me on retainer" said Greegnrass "You will need legal advice again soon. If only about Granger."
"About Granger?" asked Harry.
"You will need a prenuptial agreement. I would argue you need one soon, Granger's muggleborn so would be smart enough to sue you under her de-facto property rights in the event you… hypothetically shag someone else in the office."
"What?" said Harry.
"Even without marrying you, she could in time claim de-facto property rights, a good lawyer could take you to the cleaners." said Greengrass. "The shirt off your back." she added.
Harry signed. It was unlikely Hermione would leave him but…. Harry wondered, what if he met someone else. He looked over at the sarcastic lawyer in the … very severe grey dress and wondered about what she looked like naked. Tall, long legs… Harry's testicles prickled.
Harry felt his cheeks flushing.
"You really are dreadful" said Greengrass "If you want to keep me… on retainer that would be a hundred galleons a year. In return, I won't take cases acting against you. It's a bit like having a lawyer on a leash. Except that costs a lot more" She smirked, and Harry felt that his pants were far too tight suddenly. And how could she… on a leash. Harry's imagination supplied a leash overlaid on her boring clothes. He swallowed with difficulty and said "Well, I overpaid –" He took a breath with difficulty and added "use that."
Harry snatched the parchment from the desk, held it to cover his lap and left. He got into Diagon Alley, and relaxed once he'd closed the door behind him. He took deep, calming breaths – and smelt flowers, that was nice. Harry apparated home with a crack, and shoved the paperwork in his desk drawer. Sarcastic Slytherin bitch. But also, good lawyer.
Time to gather some facts. And visit family.
Harry apparated to Hogwarts, and rang the little bell on the gatepost. And waited.
Hagrid came by a bit later and opened the gated for Harry with a large key.
"Harry, good to see yah" said Hagrid, a little grey in his beard these days. "Your kids are pretty tame un's. Next year's your girl, She'll be a right little tearaway, won't she? Like her mum?"
Harry wondered if Hagrid had missed reading about his divorce by some weird miracle involving flesh eating slugs and poorly positioned newspapers.
"Yeah" said Harry politely. "I'm here to see one of the students."
"Oh no" said Hagrid, his shoulder slumping "Tha' cant' be good news if the head of DMLE is bringing it."
"It's not that" reassured Harry "She was raised an orphan, and I'm her next of kin. I'm here to say hello, find out how and where she was brought up… that sort of thing."
Hagrid nodded "I do hav-ta ask yer for some paperwork before you can talk to students alone, you know that?"
Harry nodded "Sure. I'll bring some next time."
"Next time?" asked Hagrid.
"She's my niece and nearly grown up, I need to make sure she understands she's got a family for her now."
"I will need the paperwork" said Hagrid. "An what about asking sure she's got enough money for clothes? Orphans need that sort of thing. You should know."
Harry sighed "My niece has a vault at Gringotts. She's rich enough… to not worry about money."
Hagrid smiled – the beard moved "Well that's one thing but sorry Harry, you've got bad reputation – I has to see some paperwork, Sorry."
Harry drew his wand and summoned the paperwork from home. It popped into his hand.
"Thumping good!" exclaimed Hagrid "You've got the hang of that!"
Harry turned pages and found the page about Delphini Diggory.
"Hagrid, here… but this is confidential. Delphini may not have told people about her birth family" said Harry, not mentioning the Diggory's acting like they were memory charmed. The whole thing smelt of ferret faced blond daddies, and peacock shit.
Hagrid bent down and read the page. "Oh" he said in a low rumble "That's a rum arrangement."
Hagrid stood up "You want to pull her out of class?"
"We can wait for lunch" said Harry.
"Well, come on down to my hut, I've got some right interesting things…." said Hagrid.
...
Harry walked towards the great hall from Hagrids, rubbing the half-healed bite on his elbow, and his tongue wiggled his molar – not broken, he'd forgotten about the rock cakes.
He got to the doors of the great hall before a greasy haired young man in a long grey raincoat stopped him "Oy, you can't go in there" he said, placing a hand on Harry's arm "There's rules."
"And you are?"
"Filch" said far too young to be Filch.
"You seem younger than I remember" said Harry drily.
"My uncle." said Filch.
"Well, Filch, I'm going in to get my niece, and talk to her. Hagrid's checked my paperwork – "
Harry took out the bundle, made sure he only had the right one out ,and showed new Filch.
"That's not right, is it." said Filch sourly.
"No" said Harry politely "So, Filch, take your hand off my arm. You know I'm the head of DMLE? Harry Potter? Vaguely famous?"
"I 'aint gonna treat nobody different just because they're famous" said Filch.
Harry smiled "Good" said Harry. "Now, let go… and run along."
Filch let him go and waited a second before saying "The oppressive rule of the magitocracy will be overthrown. The injustice won't last forever!"
Harry put the parchment back in his robe pocket "Filch" said Harry softly "If you find any evidence of oppression of say… squibs by mages… write it down, dates, names, where, get two witnesses if possible ,and sent it to me at the DMLE."
"But you're one of them" said Filch.
"Yes" said Harry "Doesn't make me an asshole."
"And cheated on your wife with the minster for magic" added Filch.
Harry glared at Filch.
"I've made some mistakes in life" Harry said.
As Harry passed between the doors Filch said behind him "The powerful oppress the weak!"
Harry inched out his sheet of parchment nervously and headed up the middle of the great hall, trying not to feel like he was going to detention. Professor McGonagall looked up at him and her gaze was… stony. It occurred to Harry that Professor McGonagall had come to his wedding, and might not be totally happy about things that had happened since. The noise from the students got louder and louder. How, wondered Harry had Crouch, Fudge and so on walked up the hall so confidently.
Harry stepped up onto the platform the high table sat on, and walked to the edge of the table and handed Professor McGonagall the page of parchment She read it quickly ,and looked up at Harry with – was that sadness in her eyes. "Mr Potter then, not Head of the DMLE."
"Mr Black perhaps." muttered Harry "I need to talk to her."
Professor McGonagall handed back the parchment, and stood up. "Pomona, being Diggory to the antechamber." and she started walking around the table. Professor Sprout dropped her cutlery, and stood up, and walked over to the Hufflepuff table.
"Potter, with me" said Professor McGonagall" who'd arrived on the other side of the table next to Harry, and started walking out of the great hall.
Harry didn't see who Diggory was, Professor McGonagall walking briskly to the room outside the great hall first years were held in, before sorting.
"Potter this is most irregular." said Professor McGonagall.
"The Malfoys are involved" said Harry.
"Oh" said Professor McGonagall.
Delphini Diggory was a tall girl with silver hair; the tips were electric blue. She had dark eyes.
"Miss Diggory, Mister Potter has some important news for you."
"Is it about my aunt and uncle?" she simpered. Harry smelt a rat – the girl knew something, and had the sort of face that occulamens had.
Professor Sprout closed the door, and came back over and patted Delphinis' arm.
Harry mused at her being in Hufflepuff. Still… why not.
"The Diggory's, Delphini" aren't your aunt and uncle" said Harry. Delphini's feigned surprise was ... typically bad acting for a teenager.
"You're actually a distant relative of mine, Miss LeStrange" said Harry. Her dark, almost black eyes widened in surprise. And she recovered quickly "LeStrange?"
"I'm sorry to say, you're not really a LeStrange. You were born outside of the LeStrange marriage. Your mother was Bellatrix LeStrange nee Black and your father… well nobody's sure.
Delphini's eyes gleamed in triumph. Harry rolled his, "But you're my kin, and Bellatrix was a Black, and I'm in charge of Blacks … so I'm your uncle. Which means you've got cousins here at Hogwarts, though they don't know yet – Professor McGonagall can you get mine?"
"You're a philanderer and a home-breaker" said Delphini, long, elegant fingers to her face.
"You're a bastard" said Harry "But that's just a slur. You're family. I'm sorry that I've made a bit of hash of things recently, but you've got lots of family. I had a word with your Aunt Narcissa Malfoy. She knew you were left at Mrs Rowle's … and did nothing. And now her husband's taken over doing… nothing" said Harry.
Delphini reacted badly to hearing that her aunt had done… nothing, dropping her hands and glaring. She had a fairly Bellatrix-like glare, thought Harry.
"Your cousin Draco is my age – he could have easily kept you in their manor had either parent mentioned you to him – I haven't questioned him yet, so I'm not sure where he sits in this. His son Scorpius and you would have grown up together – and your cousin Ted – Ted Lupin, your Aunt's grandson. If I'd known, I'd have had you in a cot at my house immediately."
"So" said Delphini, looking a bit upset.
"I don't know." said Harry "I know now – my kids will know, you're not alone. You've got family… somewhere to go, I know you're nearly an adult, but… we've got room for you – and the boys could do with a big sister."
Professor Sprout was trying to glare a message at Harry that he just ignored her.
"So?" said Harry "I know it's abrupt. But, "Harry drew his wand.
"Expecto PATRONUM!" Harry cast, and sent Prongs to get James, Al and … Scorpius.
"And you've got a girl cousin. My Lily, she starts Hogwarts next year."
"So you just expect to barge in here and… we all hug, and it's all fine?" asked Delphini, sounding extremely sarcastic.
"No" said Harry, feeling like he was visiting the family of a suspect that had died in questioning, "We all meet, and know who we are, and you decide what name you really want. You can be Delphini Black – LeStrange might be a bit tricky but my Lawyer's good. You do know you've got a massive vault from the LeStranges?"
"But he said – " said Delphini and then she clammed up. Harry ignored that. She wasn't a suspect, just a kid. A kid from a shitty home. Abandoned. A bit like him.
Harry blinked and took a deep breath "Well, anyway at Gringotts you've got a massive vault, and you inherited all the LeStrange property. We'll need to get you to a lawyer to explain how much you own, and help you decide what to do with it."
"You're not…" said Delphini.
"It's your birthright, Delphini Druella" said Harry "Not mine, I've only just found out I've got piles of houses all falling down."
"Falling down?" asked Delphini, sounding surprised.
"Well nobody told me – I'm telling you. You're not just a witch, Delphini, you're rich."
She glared at him in a way – the long fingers, the dark eyes. She was like Tom and Bellatrix. Yech.
"You must have been born just at the end of the war" said Harry, thinking aloud. "Raised as an orphan."
"You said I'm your kin? You're only adopted into the Blacks" sad Delphini "Ursurping the rightful heir."
"Well that would have been you" said Harry, "You're my blood relation. On your fathers side." Harry suddenly remembered about three brothers, not three sisters, about Cadmus's cursed stone. Harry smiled; his brain had put the pieces together. He really wasn't just a pretty face for the DMLE.
Harry held out his arms, offering a hug "I'm your cousin on your dad's side. We never got along, that's true but… that was his choice, not mine, welcome back to the family… Delphini Riddle. We're Peverells way back, both of us. I'm from Ignotus's line, you're from Cadmus's. There's nobody from Antioch's line, obviously as he died without… children."
"What?" said Delphini, frowning and looking quite like her mother suddenly. "Peverells? He said I was his lordship's heir!"
Harry dropped his arms and drews his wand and cast a old charm. Glowing words in fire appeared.
'I am Lord Voldemort' Harry waved his wand and the letters rearranged into
'Tom Marvolo Riddle.' Delphini was visibly confused.
"Your grandmother was the last Gaunt – Merope, she ran off with Tom Riddle, the squire's son. Died giving birth to your father on his birthday – December thirty-first. She was cruelly ripped off by Borgin and Burkes, all she had was the family locket to sell – she shouldn't have, but she was penniless once Tom Riddle fled. Harry sighed "Your gran used amortentia on your grandfather. It's technically muggle baiting, your dad grew up in an orphanage… and we both know that's no life at all."
"My… father was a half-blood?" said Delphini. "He can't be."
"He was" said Harry, feeling tired. "It's a long time ago, and you're too young to let that stuff rule your life."
Delphini's hair tips went red.
"Oh" said Harry "You've got a little of the family magic in you. Good. Ted's got it all… shame you missed out on being able to make pig-noses and stuff, it's a family tradition."
Professor McGonagall glared at Harry. Harry realised she'd had Tonks as a student. That must have been wild.
"Hmm... any moment now?" said Harry.
Someone banged on the door.
"My children, and Scorpius Malfoy" said Harry "Delphini's real family."
Professor Sprout gave Harry a glare, and opened the anteroom door. Al had his hand up, waiting to bang again.
"What's going on?" asked Al. "Why are you talking to Diggory?"
"Why am I here!" complained Scorpius Malfoy "My father will hear of this!"
"Shut your face Malfoy" snapped James.
"Get in here all of you. Family meeting." said Harry "Professors? May I have some privacy?"
The Professors shook their heads in unison, and Professor Sprout even had her wand out.
Harry shut the door.
"Right. The short version. Delphini Diggory's not a Diggory. She's family. And your cousin, Scorpius. Delphini's … well she's a cousin of mine, heir to an old family. The LeStrange's."
"So you're Delphini LeStrange" asked Scorpius, bowing.
"Scorpius she's not a LeStrange. A… born out of wedlock" said Harry "To my cousin. Not cousin Dudley, thank god."
Harry looked over at Delphini and she looked surprised.
"So the Diggory's have been um… fostering her" said Harry "And I just found out from my lawyer about her, so I came straight to Hogwarts to see her, and you lot."
"He just told me I'm rich" said Delphini.
"What's your middle name then?" asked Scorpius.
"Druella, after my grandmother" said Delphini "My Other grandmother…. I don't know about anyone ever mentioning her.
Harry shrugged "It's up to you, they're your family, your secrets, not mine to tell."
"His are in the daily prophet" said James snidely. "We haven't read about a new girlfriend? Changed yet dad?"
"No" said Harry "I'm going to visit the Malfoys – see who knew what, as Mrs Malfoy – your gran knew about Delphini and left her with a – "
"Mrs Rowle" said Delphini "There was porridge, I had one robe. There was one book."
Scorpius Malfoy stood up and puffed out his pigeon chest "I'm going write grandmother a strongly worded letter!" he said. James looked sideways at him.
"Um hi" said Al. "I'm Al – you won a strange name too. Do you want to be called Del?"
"My name" said Delphini primly "Means Dolphin."
"Uh" grunted Al "Do you swim?"
"Um" said Delphini. That sounded like a no.
"We've got a pool, Father will arrange tutors" said Scorpius "Well… auntie will… Fathers' not well."
"Malfoy's old man's a drunk" said James.
"James." said Harry. "I'm sorry Scorpius, I didn't realise how badly your mothers' death affected your father."
Scorpius Malfoy looked up at Harry, his big eyes brimming with tears, looking like a grey-eyed kitten. "My mother meant everything to father. He worshipped the ground she walked on." He did, thought Harry have dark eyelashes. He mentally gave Rose worse than fifty-fifty odds.
"Right" said Harry, blinking to get the Malfoy mind control beam broken "You're cousins, and Delphini's probably staying … somewhere. Scorpius will know soonest what's going on at Malfoy Manor – it's the roomiest, and there's a pool. Though… we have got a spare room, and spare houses… not particularly livable but we do have a place in London if a townhouse would be of interest to a young witch finished Hogwarts?"
"She gets to stay at Grimmauld?" asked James indignantly.
"She's a Black. That'll help with some of the curses on the things there" said Harry. "Teddy's um… I'm probably going to suggest he can have rooms there… to um…."
"Teddy's with Victiore Weasley" said Al. "They're shagging, and Vic's part Veela, so Teddy's got his hands full."
"Thank you for that Al" said Harry tightly. "Vic and Al are a couple. Andromeda – your Aunt Andromeda – that's you Scorpius and you Delphini" Delphini looked surprised to be lumped in a group. "Andromeda was cast out of the family for marrying Grandpa Ted. Delphini's gran had the same thing happen to her."
"Oh" said James. "Sorry, that pureblood shit's toxic."
Delphini blinked repeatedly and looked about in confusion.
"It's called a family" said Professor McGonagall "The unconditional acceptance bit's the defining characteristic."
James pointed at Scorpius "We are not cousins with him."
"Delphini is your cousin, and his. You're cousins with him – and you can't discount my being the nominated head of the Black family. Oh… yeah. I should tell you all that Mister Edward Remus Lupin inherits the Black family. So there's actually one cousin for each of the Black sisters... weird isn't it." said Harry.
"Teddy's the head of the Ancient and most noble house of Black?" asked Scorpius.
"When I die" said Harry "I'll hand it over if he wants it once he's, I dunno, Scorpius, what age does that sort of pureblood wankery usually happen?"
"Um" said Scorpius "Um… Father took over once Grandfather was incarcerated."
"Well I'll try not to do that" said Harry "But it's in the will anyway – oh and our lawyers are Viridian."
"Auntie Daphne?" asked Scorpius. " Auntie Daphne's your lawyer? You keep away from my aunt… you… womaniser!" Harry looked at Scopious, trying to look threatening. He looked like a fluffier young Draco, so he really was quite kitten-like.
"Well you've been told" said Professor McGonagall drily.
"I assure you that my relationship with your … auntie is strictly professional" said Harry.
Scorpius's ruffled feathers settled. Harry briefly imagined dropping another bag of gems on Daphne Greengrass's desk and keeping a lawyer on a leash instead of a retainer, and had to hastily imagine Umbridge naked to prevent his mind wandering. His stomach roiled.
"Right I'm off to see the Malfoy, then Delphini's aunt Andromeda. Tell Teddy."
"And Mr Lupin was not called because?"
"He's a cousin, but I want to talk to Andromeda first before I talk to Teddy" said Harry.
"In case she hexes you" said Al. Harry glared at the disappointment breifly.
"This Hogsmeade weekend" said James "Bring Lily and … Aunt Andromeda" he added in posh tones.
"Are you making fun of me" blustered Scorpius.
"The mirror does that" said James.
"Right I'm done. .. shoo" said Harry. "And Delphini – anything at all, write. If It's urgent can you send a patronus?"
She shook her head.
"James – teach Delphini a Patronus and make sure she can make it talk. It will pose no problem, she's got scads of power."
"Scads?" asked Al "You don't know her."
"Her mum and dad were powerful sorcerers. Her dad was absolutely amazing. Terrifying, but amazing." said Harry and he winked to Delphini, who smiled weakly, confused.
Harry left, to be grabbed by Professor McGonagall just outside the doors of the castle.
"And you seek to add Delphini Riddle to your family's penchant for destruction? I have a school to run."
Harry whispered "Worst case, she's being groomed to do something stupid to try to bring Back Tom Riddle. I suspect something fatal to her, as she's been fed lies and kept in the dark. Takes one to know one" he added.
"There is no way she could – " said Professor McGonagall "Is there?"
"Short of history being different – no" said Harry. "And the Unspeakables claim it's not possible to make large scale changes in time. Though, Hermione found a reference to someone travelling centuries and dying, so I know they're lying. And they have a room to study time in the Department of Mysteries… so that's my working assumption. My plan, if you missed it… is family. And pulling the people behind it into the light… and then sending them to Azkaban."
"You're actually quite good at being the head of the DMLE" said Professor McGonagall.
"And you sound shocked" said Harry sarcastically.
-==0==-
Harry got out the front gate, and apparated to the gates of Malfoy Manor. It was time to express his displeasure.
The manor was partly obscured by fog. A peacock cried out.
Harry banged on the gate, and after a short wait, the gate swing open. Harry walked up the gravel drive, and got to the front doors under a wide marble porch – big enough for coaches, he supposed.
Harry thumped the door knocker, which was in the shape of a bloody peacock.
The door opened much later, to reveal Mrs Malfoy, in a white shawl over off-grey robes and Harry noticed, slippers. Harry hadn't seen her in years; she looked gaunt and stared at him listlessly, then blinked "You robbed me" she said, Harry was tempted to call for a check for the imperious curse.
"My lawyer got the dowries returned for both Black sisters" said Harry politely "For acting against the will of the head of the family – Sirius, then I. Bellatrix was the one that killed him – blasted him through the veil of death."
Mrs Malfoy was either a fabulous actor, or surprised "What?" she said "Bellatrix never mentioned that!"
"I was there, rather conveniently, as his heir" said Harry "Ruined my life, I'm just spreading it around."
Mrs Malfoy summoned up a remnant of the old Malfoy glare at Harry. "It wasn't my fault. I defended you against the dark lord. In Person!"
"And that's why you're under house arrest, and Lucius did fifteen years in Azkaban" said Harry "How is Lucy?" he asked rudely.
"He isn't well." said Mrs Malfoy hollowly, "You should not see him. He would not cope."
"And you didn't feel like telling me about Bellatrix's bastard?" asked Harry.
Mrs Malfoy froze like a startled deer.
"So you knew" said Harry. "Great."
"I left her with a wet-nurse, made sure she had sufficient funds" said Mrs Malfoy.
"One thing" said Harry, rage boiling in his blood "One thing really gets my blood up – and that's poor treatment of children. She is your NIECE!" Mrs Malfoy recoiled at Harry last shouted word.
"Lucius took care of it – Roddy was dead, it's the husbands job to care for bastards" lied Mrs Malfoy pretty transparently.
"Right" said Harry, walking past her into the hall "SHOP!" he called out "DRACO MALFOY!"
Malfoy came out of an archway moments later , he'd likely been hiding where he could observe.
Harry pushed Draco Malfoy against the wall and seized his skinny pale neck "You little prick" said Harry "You let your mother and father cook up a scheme, another stupid resurrect Voldemort scheme!"
"What?" asked Malfoy.
Harry explained, holding Malfoy gasping the wall by his throat.
"I didn't know" said Malfoy… and Harry suspected he was telling the truth. Again.
"Is she all right?" asked Malfoy.
"I talked to her, told her about her family. And got my kids – her cousins, and your boy, also her cousin. I have to talk to Andromeda yet, they're going to introduce Delphini to Teddy later. Knowing Al – they probably have done that by now.
"You're her cousin?"
"On her fathers side." said Harry.
"Who?" asked Draco Malfoy, and he really sounded as clueless as in second year, when he didn't know who was the heir of Slytherin.
Harry let Malfoy go, and adjusted his robes.
"You know who" said Harry "Ten-to-one odds on human sacrifice, girl with a head full of lies."
"And the rest?" asked Draco Malfoy.
"Long range time travel. Which is supposed to be impossible, but the ministry missed some references in the books on time at Hogwarts." said Harry.
"You know … anything?" asked Malfoy, sounding honestly surprised. And being a rude dick.
"Long range time travel is possible but return is often fatal" said Harry "The Unspeakables study time but claim long range travel is impossible. I suspect they police it. Or at least detect it, and tell the head of DMLE under some secrecy constraints."
"And you know that … why?" asked Draco.
"Educated guesses" said Harry "Delphini needs somewhere to live that's not memory charmed 'aunts and uncles'. You've got the rooms but a nasty case of, I know your mum put her in a shit place with a wet nurse and never told you, and I suspect from some things the girls let slip that your father heard of this years ago. And you may have overheard your mother mentioning that your father was taking care of things.
"Fuck" said Malfoy "That fucking idiot."
"Yes, that one" said Harry. "Did you realise the basilisk he let out in second year might have killed you?"
"HWHAT!" screeched Mrs Malfoy, swooping across the front hall like demented white bat "HE DID WHAT!"
"Second year. Lucius gave a young pureblood witch a cursed diary that possessed her, it had a chunk of your lord Voldemort in it, and made her let out the Basilisk from the chamber of secrets. By luck… and I suspect hard work by the little girl, it didn't actually kill anyone. I killed the basilisk, and along the way Lucius freed a house elf. He took the book back with a sock in it – threw the sock to Dobby."
"Are you saying" said Narcissa Malfoy, suddenly looking quite clear-eyed and utterly enraged – her nostrils were flaring in and out, Harry gazed in amazement. "That Lucius endangered my SON'S LIFE?"
"Well yes" said Harry with a nod "That."
"Could you please leave, Director Potter" said Mrs Malfoy coldly "I believe we're about to have a domestic incident, and I wouldn't want you to perjure yourself."
"Mother!" exclaimed Draco.
"I nearly died having you, and he risked your life for that… charlatan!" said Narcissa, her head quivering with rage.
"You could just divorce him, and give testimony to say… a plan to use Bellatrix's daughter to I don't know…. Resurrect Voldemort?" said Harry.
"You are the most terrifying head of the DMLE ever " said Draco honestly.
Harry nodded, "Sorry about the neck… I thought you were with Lucius."
"I don't speak to him" said Draco "He derides my wife." Harry looked at Draco, who, well he was killing himself with grief, and tried to imagine what an arse you'd have to be to deride his dead wife. Apart from her shitty taste in husbands.
Harry got to the doors and without turning said "Now… divorce and testimony is recommended… but I certainly didn't hear anyone mention a premeditated domestic accident."
-==0==-
The Daily prophet featured a picture of Lucius Malfoy, his head in bandages, his neck in a splint, the banner caption "Lucius Malfoy – unreformed Death Eater."
Harry put his feet up on his desk. Life, he mused, had its good points.