AN: Glad you're here. Keep being you. The world needs you.
TW: references to self-harm, suicidal ideation
Previous Chapter Summary: Chapter Summary: School starts back up again. Harry has major attitude and avoids his parents. Snape subs in potions and Harry doesn't handle it well and scratches his wrist before running away and hiding. Remus finds him and talks to him.
Chapter Summary: Remus, Sirius, and Harry have a talk. A visitor comes. Harry talks to his friends.
Remus led Harry back to the Marauder Quarters and got him a cup of tea before sending a Patronus message to Sirius, letting him know that something happened and they needed to talk when he had time.
"Let's talk for a bit before Dadfoot comes back."
"Haven't we talked enough?" Harry groaned.
Remus ignored that comment and began to speak. "I want to talk to you about your coping mechanisms."
"We just talked about them in our last session!" Harry insisted.
"We glossed over it due to your attitude."
Harry blushed and looked down, ashamed.
"I want you to think back to what happened and tell me a healthier coping mechanism you could've used."
"I did my best!"
"I know you did. I'm proud of you. I'm just asking now, looking at the situation in hindsight, how could you have handled it differently?"
"I could've gone to you," Harry said.
"Yes, that's true. What about another strategy? Something you could do without me?"
Harry wasn't expecting that question but said, "I could've gotten ice. That also seems to help when I'm in a panic attack."
Remus nodded. "That's a great idea."
"It's just so hard in the moment."
"Remember, you can always hold your pendant, too. We're here for you."
"I didn't even think of it," Harry replied honestly.
"I understand. Fight or flight kicked in. When that happens, we do the best we can with what we have. I get it."
"What else?" Asked Harry wearily.
"Do you want to rest before we talk with Dadfoot?" Remus asked, picking up on Harry's tiredness.
Harry nodded. His bed sounded good right now.
"Go ahead. I'll be out here if you need anything."
Harry nodded again and got up to go to his room. He smiled at seeing how dark and quiet it was. Small comforts can make all the difference.
Harry ended up falling asleep, and when he woke up, Remus and Sirius were talking in hushed tones on the couch.
"Puppy!" Sirius cried happily, getting up to hug him. "I'm so glad you're alright."
"What did Moony Da tell you?"
"Not much, but he did say there was an incident with potions and you were triggered. I'm glad you're here."
"Why don't we all sit down and you can tell Dadfoot what happened," Remus suggested.
Harry nodded, walked to the couch, and sat down next to Sirius.
"What happened, Pup?" Sirius asked gently.
"Snape was teaching potions today," Harry began.
"What?!"
"That was my reaction, too," Remus said.
Harry continued to tell Sirius how he felt when Snape was in the room and how Snape sneered at him. He talked about scratching himself but kept his eyes trained on the floor when he got to that part. Harry continued by talking about how Draco came back, how he ran, and when Remus found him.
Sirius bent down to try to catch Harry's eyes. "Harry, I'm so proud of you. Can I give you a hug?"
Harry nodded and Sirius enveloped him in a warm hug. "I love you," Sirius whispered in Harry's ear.
When Sirius released, Harry took a seat on the couch and grabbed a fidget off the coffee table to use.
"I think we need to talk as a family," Remus said.
"I agree," Sirius said. They sat down and looked at Harry.
"You've been avoiding us for a while, Harry," Remus began. "I know you're a teenager and want space, I get that. I want to know how you feel about it before I say anything else."
Harry shrugged. "I just want space, like you said."
Remus nodded. "How did it work out for you?"
Harry sighed. "Not well, I guess."
"There's having space, Harry, and then there's isolating yourself."
"I was around my friends!" Harry protested.
"Yes, but did you talk to them about how you were feeling?"
Harry shook his head.
"Whether you like it or not, Harry, you need support right now. As you've pointed out before, no one has to go through what you do. It's okay to lean on us and ask us for help. We want to help you."
"But I didn't want help!" Harry insisted angrily, throwing the fidget on the ground.
Remus nodded. "I know."
It was silent for a minute until Remus spoke again. "Sometimes we need to ask for help, even if we don't want to."
Harry didn't respond.
"It's like conditioning for practices. You don't like it, but it helps you out in the long run. You might not like leaning on us, but it will benefit you."
Harry appreciated the Quidditch metaphor and took a deep breath. "Everyone else my age can handle things on their own. I want to do that too. It's not fair!"
"No, it's not fair. None of it's fair," Remus said.
"We really want to help, Harry. Let us help," Sirius said.
"But it was fine! I'm fine!" Harry tried one last time, looking at the ground.
"Harry," Remus said gently. "If you had been willing to ask for help, do you think what happened today would've happened?"
"No," Harry whispered. He knew that if he was willing to go to his parents none of this would have happened. He would've gone to Sirius or Remus as soon as he felt triggered, or done a coping strategy. He pushed all of that away so he could "have space", but it certainly backfired on him.
"Sometimes, we have to put safeguards in place for our own protection. Checking in with us and communicating your needs is a way for you to keep yourself on track," Remus said.
"I get it. I don't like it, but I understand," Harry said.
"I'm sorry, Cub," Remus said.
"So what's my punishment?" Harry asked.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look. "What do you mean?" Sirius asked.
"I ignored you guys, gave you attitude, and scratched myself," Harry replied.
"Harry, we're not going to punish you for that at all!" Remus said. "You were acting like a teenager and as for you scratching yourself, you were doing the best you could. You're not in trouble at all."
"Really?" Harry asked hopefully, finally looking up at Sirius and Remus.
"Really," Remus affirmed.
"Thank you," Harry said.
"You don't have to thank us, Pup," Sirius said.
"We do want you here for the next few days, though. I think you can understand that," Remus said.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I get it."
"What do you need from us?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. "I don't know."
"That's okay. If you think of anything, we're here for you. Why don't we have dinner here tonight, hm?" Remus suggested.
"Yeah, that sounds good," Harry replied with a small smile.
"Good. Go wash up."
Harry got up and did what Remus told him to do while Remus moved onto the couch to sit next to Sirius.
"That went better than I thought it would," Sirius admitted.
"Ah, deep down Harry knew that he wasn't making the best choices. He knows all of this is for his own good."
"Hey, I'll take it," Sirius said, putting up his hands.
Remus smiled and said, "Come on, let's set the table for dinner."
After washing up, Harry joined his parents and had a nice dinner with them before sleeping in his room, feeling content for the first time in a while.
Harry was awoken by Sirius the next day. "Hey, Pup. You've got Charms this morning."
Harry groaned and rolled over, clearly not wanting to move.
"C'mon, Love. Up and at 'em."
Harry groaned again. He tried to pull the blanket back over him, but instead, Sirius pulled them back.
"Dadfoot!" Harry groaned.
"Sorry, Pup. Time to wake up."
Harry tossed a pillow at Sirius, who ducked and missed it.
"Breakfast in five!"
Harry mumbled a curse word under his breath before reluctantly getting up and pulling his uniform on. He made his way out of his bedroom and to the kitchen where Remus was getting a plate ready for him. "Here you go, Cub. Eat up."
"Thank you," Harry said.
"Don't forget your meds," Remus added, putting a vial in front of Harry.
"I won't. Haven't yet," Harry added under his breath.
"How did you get it when you were avoiding us?" Sirius asked.
"It showed up in the Great Hall at breakfast," Harry said.
Remus smiled into his tea.
"Moony Da! That was you?!"
"You had to take it one way or another," Remus said, shrugging.
Harry rolled his eyes and bit his toast. Parents.
"You've got my class today," Sirius told Harry. "Let me know if you need anything then, okay?"
"Okay Dadfoot, I promise."
"Good. We're here for you," Sirius reminded him.
Harry nodded and started to eat his breakfast. Things might be okay with his parents at his side.
Harry went through the day as he normally would, except he ate all his meals in the Marauder Quarters, not ready to face the whole school, especially Snape.
Remus and Sirius stayed with him for dinner, which Harry secretly appreciated. After dinner, they were lounging in the sitting room when there was a knock on the door.
"I'll get it," Harry said, getting up and opening the door.
It was Snape.
Harry took a step back as if the doorknob burned him.
Sirius and Remus were looking at the door when Harry opened it, so they were immediately up at Harry's side.
"What do you want, Snape?" Sirius asked.
"I came to check on Harry. I did not see him in the Great Hall today and wanted to make sure he was doing okay after yesterday."
"I'm fine," Harry said, crossing his arms.
Snape looked to Remus and Sirius, waiting for them to reprimand Harry for using 'fine', but neither did. Severus sighed and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't warn you. I had found out not even ten minutes before class started."
"You could've found a way," Sirius said.
"Sirius," Remus said, quieting his husband down.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow.
Harry huffed. "It wasn't good, but I'm okay now. I just need some space."
Sirius and Remus exchanged a look at that last part but didn't say anything.
"I can do that. I am here to help you, even if you're not ready to see it yet," Snape said, as gently as he could.
Harry gave a stiff nod, and Snape nodded his head and walked away. Harry shut the door before leaning against it and sliding his back down the door.
Remus and Sirius made their way to the floor with Harry. They didn't say anything but sat with him and waited for him to speak.
"I'm still not sure how to handle Snape. It's tricky," Harry said.
Both Sirius and Remus nodded.
It was quiet again before Harry hit his head and groaned. "Ugh! Why can't I just move on?!"
Remus watched Harry closely and when he hit himself again, Remus leaned over and gently took Harry's hand into his own. "Hey, don't hurt yourself."
Harry groaned. He removed his hand from Remus' and made fists.
Remus and Sirius exchanged another look (they were doing a lot of that).
"Harry, Love, you're not alone. We're here for you," Sirius said.
"You've gotta let me. Please! You've got to!" Harry begged with tears in his eyes.
Remus knew what Harry was talking about. "I'm sorry, Harry, but we don't want you hurting yourself."
Harry made a noise and angrily wiped away his tears.
Sirius and Remus wanted to reach out and hug Harry. Their hearts were breaking for him.
"I need a distraction. Something else to focus on," Harry said after a few minutes of silence.
"We can do that," Remus affirmed.
"But I don't want to play a game! I don't want to read a book! I don't want to tell stories!"
It was quiet for a moment before Sirius spoke up. "I have an idea. Go get your flying clothes on."
"But it's winter," Harry pointed out, sniffing.
"You want to hurt yourself? Well, flying while ice-cold air is on your cheeks doesn't exactly feel nice."
Harry's eyes lit up and he got up and ran to his room to change.
"Sirius," Remus sighed. "I don't know about this."
"He's not hurting himself, Rem."
"I know, but he's in a situation where he'll feel pain."
"I'll keep my eye on him. We'll come in before it gets too bad."
Remus sighed, "I'm trusting you."
"It'll be okay. Why don't you rest?" Sirius suggested as he got up and helped his husband up.
Remus chuckled. "I don't think I can rest right now, but I will have some tea."
"I've got him, Moony. He's going to be safe."
Remus nodded and kissed Sirius on the forehead. "Take care of yourself and Harry."
"I will," Sirius replied.
Harry was ready quickly, as was Sirius. "Let's go, Pup," Sirius said.
Remus hugged them both goodbye and whispered in Harry's ear. "Stay safe."
Sirius led them out the door and to the Quidditch Pitch where they mounted their brooms and went off into the air.
It was a breezy day so the cold air was whipping Harry in the face, which he appreciated. He flew back and forth and mostly stayed away from Sirius.
Eventually, Sirius flew up to where Harry was. "It's been 45 minutes Harry, and some freezing rain is falling in addition to it being pitch dark outside. I think it's time we went in."
Harry didn't answer and zoomed away, enjoying the feeling of the freeing rain pelting his face.
Sirius sighed and once again flew up to Harry and spoke sternly this time. "Harry, I promised Moony Da that you would be safe. It's time to fly down."
Harry looked up and the rain pelted his goggles. "Fine."
Harry flew down, leaving Sirius alone. Sirius shook his head and headed down behind Harry. They walked in silence to the Marauder Quarters.
"Welcome back! How was it?" Remus asked when they walked in the door.
Harry shrugged.
"You're soaked to the bone! Go take a hot shower," Remus said as he got closer.
"I don't want to," Harry replied, putting his broom away.
"I don't want you to get sick. We need to warm you up," Remus said.
"It's fine; er, it's alright. I'm okay like this," Harry said.
Remus went to Harry and put his hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. "Harry, do you remember when you had that duel with Dadfoot and you had a hurt shoulder and you hid it from us? And we talked about how self-harm is more than just making yourself bleed?"
Harry nodded and looked at the ground.
"This is one of those times. You need to shower and warm up to take care of yourself."
Harry sighed. "Alright, but I'm not going to like it."
"I'll have some tea for you when you get out," Remus said, ignoring the last bit.
Harry huffed but reluctantly walked to the bathroom to shower.
Remus turned to Sirius now. "You need to shower too, Pads. I want you healthy."
"I will. Everything went well while we were out there. I think he's feeling a bit better, even if he is moody."
"I'm glad, thanks for updating me."
"Of course. Now, I'm going to shower because I'm freezing. Care to join me?" Sirius asked wagging his eyebrows.
"As tempting as that is, I need to be out here for Harry. Rain check?"
"I'll hold you to it," Sirius said.
They kissed and Sirius went into their bathroom as Remus got some tea ready for Harry.
Harry was out of the shower relatively quickly and just like he said, Remus had a warm cup of tea for Harry.
"It's Sleepytime tea, the muggle brand. It should help you sleep tonight," Remus explained as Harry walked into the kitchen.
Harry nodded and took a seat across from Remus.
"How're you feeling now?" Remus asked gently after a moment of silence.
"Okay. I still don't feel great but I don't want to hurt myself as badly as before."
"That's good," Remus praised.
Harry shrugged.
Harry sipped his tea and Remus watched him before saying, "Cub, I have a question for you."
"Yeah?"
"The other day when we were talking, you said you weren't isolating yourself because you were around your friends, remember?"
Harry thought back for a moment before nodding.
"And I asked if you talked to them about your feelings and you said no, right?"
Harry nodded.
"Have you thought about talking to any of them about your feelings? Or what happened a few months ago?"
Harry shook his head and averted his eyes to the ground.
"It might be helpful to talk to them about what you went through. It's nice to have friends help you."
"But I don't know how they will respond. That worries me," Harry replied honestly, wringing his hands.
Remus nodded. "That is scary, you're right. I know your friends, however, and I know they would be supportive."
"I don't know, Moony Da. I have to think about it."
Remus nodded. "That's fair."
It was quiet for a moment before Harry yawned.
"Are you feeling tired?"
"Some. I just want today to be over."
"I understand. I'm sorry, Cub."
Harry downed the rest of his tea before he stood up. "Can I go to bed now, please?"
"Of course. We're here if you need anything."
Harry nodded and started to walk to his room before turning around and silently handing Remus his wand.
Remus kissed the top of his head and Harry scurried away.
Remus sighed after Harry shut his bedroom door. He looked at the wand, smiling sadly. Remus took out his own wand and set everything up for the night before heading into his bedroom. He set Harry's wand down on their bookshelf and started to change into his pajamas. Sirius came out of their bathroom as Remus was changing and the werewolf immediately went to his husband and enveloped him in a hug.
"Remus? Are you alright?" Sirius asked.
"Just hurting for Harry."
Sirius understood now. "He's not in a good spot right now, I know."
"We both know it gets better, but life keeps knocking him down, he just needs a win or two."
Sirius nodded.
Remus sighed and leaned into a hug from Sirius again.
"Let's go to bed, Love. You need some rest," Sirius said.
Remus opened his mouth to argue, but a yawn came out instead. "Alright," Remus conceded.
Sirius and Remus went to bed holding each other, hoping for better days for their son.
They would have to come soon.
The next day was Thursday. Harry had Ancient Studies with Sirius at 1 and he stayed in bed until then and was quiet in class, slightly concerning his godfather. Harry had Charms immediately following Ancient Studies and he was subdued then as well.
His friends weren't having it, however, and pulled him to the side after class.
"Harry, what's going on? You're clearly not okay," Draco asked.
Ron nodded, showing he agreed.
"We're worried about you," Hermione said.
"We haven't heard from you in a few days and we want to help," Neville added.
Harry sighed, seeing no way out of this. It was rare to see Draco and Ron agree on something and he knew there was no way he could avoid them both with this topic.
"Let's go somewhere private," Harry mumbled. He led his three friends to the Room of Requirement and sat them all down.
"I know you all saw or found out about what happened in potions."
The four nodded.
"Seeing Snape was hard after the incident that happened a while ago."
All four of them nodded again, knowing what he was talking about.
"I relapsed and my parents talked to me, but they were more concerned because of what happened a few months ago."
"Is this when you were gone for a while after Halloween?" Hermione asked.
Harry nodded.
"Are you sure you want to talk about it? It's okay if you don't," Neville said, not wanting to pressure his friend.
"No, I need to say it. Moony Da says it's good if I have friends supporting me and you need to know what happened."
Harry took a deep breath. "I found out some information about the prophecy. I'm not ready to share that bit yet, but it caused me to spiral. I went to the Astronomy Tower and hurt myself and sat there wanting to jump."
Hermione gasped and covered her mouth.
"My dads stopped me, of course, and took me somewhere to recover. I was put on an antidepressant potion and I started to heal. I'm doing better now, obviously, but ever since then my parents have been keeping a closer eye on me and it's why I have to spend more time at home. There. Now you know."
Hermione wrapped Harry in a fierce hug and Ron joined.
"I'm glad you're here, mate," Ron said.
Neville and Draco stayed back, knowing this was a moment for the Golden Trio.
Eventually, they let Harry go.
"What can we do for you?" Neville asked.
Harry shrugged. "I hadn't really gotten that far, to be honest. Moony Da just recommended I tell some of my friends what was going on, so here I am."
"Do you still want to, you know?" Ron asked.
"Kill myself?" Harry supplied.
Ron nodded.
Harry sighed. "Sometimes, but not like that night. It's more how I felt before, just very passive about the whole thing. Moony Da knows all of this too, so don't worry about that."
"We're here for you, Harry," Draco said. "We want to help you. You're our friend."
"Would distractions help sometimes?" Neville asked, thinking about what was helpful for him.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, distractions are usually helpful. Sometimes I just don't have the energy for them, and Moony Da says that that's okay, too. Sometimes I just have to sit with how I'm feeling. It's uncomfortable and I hate it but it's the only way through sometimes."
Neville nodded, understanding. "I know how much that sucks. Just let us know if you're feeling like that. We can give you space or get you help. You're not in this alone."
"Thanks. I'm trying to remember that."
It was quiet for a moment before Draco said, "I know this is a lot for you right now. Do you want to eat in the Great Hall or eat in here?"
"I'm not that hungry," Harry admitted.
"I'm asking if you want to eat in the Great Hall or here. I didn't ask if you were hungry. You're going to eat something."
Harry sighed and said, "It's fine."
All four of them frowned. "No, it's not fine. You need to eat," Ron said.
Harry looked at all of their faces and knew he wasn't going to get out of this one, either.
"I just want to rest," Harry tried one last time.
"You can go and rest, but we're talking to your dads then and letting them know what happened.
Harry didn't want that.
"Fine, we'll eat here," Harry said.
The group seemed satisfied with that.
Draco called a house elf to order food while Hermione and Neville got Harry settled and Ron went to put some music on.
Harry didn't eat much at dinner, but he ate enough to satisfy his friends. He was genuinely exhausted by the end of it and his friends knew it.
"Harry, we're going to walk you back to your parent's quarters, alright?" Hermione told him softly.
Harry shook his head. "I can go back there by myself. Hell, I can go back to the dorms."
His friends weren't going to accept that.
"I'm sure they're worried about you," Neville said.
"Yeah, but they always are," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"C'mon, Harry. It'll be better if you stop being so stubborn and come with us," Draco said, saying it how it was.
Harry sighed and finally relented. "Fine."
The four friends walked Harry back to the Marauder Quarters. They knocked on the door when they arrived and Remus opened the door.
"Hey, kiddos. Is everything okay?" Remus asked, giving them all a once over, especially Harry.
"We're fine, professor. Harry talked to us about some serious stuff so we wanted to drop him back off," Neville explained.
"I see. Well, thank you for bringing him back here. Did he eat dinner?"
"We made sure of it," Draco said.
Remus smiled. Harry had some good friends.
"You all get back to your dormitories before curfew. We have Harry."
The students nodded and released Harry. "Bye, Harry," they said.
Harry turned and waved, too tired to say anything.
Harry and Remus watched them walk away before Remus softly shut the door and turned to Harry. "Hey, Cub. How're you feeling?"
Harry shrugged and looked down at the ground.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked.
"Not yet," Harry said. "I told them about what we talked about, but that's all I want to say right now."
Remus nodded. "That's okay."
Harry looked up. "Can I go to bed now?"
"Are you feeling good enough to be on your own?" Remus asked.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes."
"Then of course. We'll check on you in a bit."
Harry nodded and went to his room before throwing himself on his bed. Talking about what happened took a lot out of him.
Meanwhile, Sirius went up to Remus. "Is he okay?"
"I think so. He just seems very drained and tired. I'll talk to him more about it in our session next week."
Sirius nodded and ran a hand through his hair.
"It'll be alright, Pads. Take a breath."
Sirius took a deep breath and kissed Remus. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
Sirius and Remus sat down on the couch to talk to each other and grade papers. After about half an hour they both went to Harry's room to check on him. They found Harry sprawled over his bed with his clothes still on.
Remus and Sirius smiled at their son. After a moment, Remus transfigured Harry's clothes into soft pajamas while Sirius grabbed a blanket to put over him.
"Goodnight, Harry. See you in the morning," They whispered before shutting the door.
Sleep is a beautiful thing.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200