Once Eddie had left, Kim turned her attention back to Rachel. She could tell she wasn't ok, but she was trying to either mask or downplay it in front of Eddie. Unfortunately that tactic no longer worked on Kim, she knew her best friend too well now. She could tell when she was happy or angry, and she could definitely tell when she was sad and was trying to hide it. This was one of those situations.
A cry of pain filled the silence as Rachel gripped Kim's hand tightly, the gas and air nozzle hissing as Rachel breathed it in. The pain was slowly becoming more and more intense. It felt like there was a vice clamped around her stomach, getting tighter and tighter.
"That's it, Rachel. Nice deep breaths" Kim encouraged, rubbing her lower back
The pain finally died away, allowing Rachel exhale shakily, her grip on Kim's hand loosening as she ran a hand through her hair. She was so tired.
"How are you feeling, really?" Kim asked
Rachel sighed, resting her head on the mattress. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes again as the grief consumed her once more. She just wanted Adam. She knew she'd be giving birth without him by her side. She'd been doing everything without him by her side the last few months. But being here now, when it was really happening just made it hurt more. It made it even more real. Adam was gone and he wasn't coming back. She hadn't really thought just how difficult it was going to be. In a way, she was angry that Eddie and Kim were here to witness the birth of her daughter and Adam wasn't, and that made her feel guilty because they were both being so supportive.
It wasn't just the birth he was going to miss. He was going to miss her first birthday, her first words, her first smile, her first steps. He'd miss her first day at Nursery, school, her prom, her 18th birthday. He was going to miss it all. She couldn't bear it.
She wanted it all to be a bad dream, a nightmare that she could wake up from. She'd wanted that from the moment the policeman had showed up at her front door seven months ago. She wanted Adam to come crashing through the door and into the hospital room like nothing had ever happened. But life didn't work that way.
"Rachel?" Kim prompted, pulling her from her thoughts as she placed a hand on her arm
Rachel looked at her friend, suddenly remembering she was waiting for an answer as to how she was feeling. Lying wouldn't work. Kim knew her too well now. But she couldn't tell the whole truth. They'd be sat there for a lifetime.
"I'm tired, and I'm scared" she whispered, closing her eyes
Kim wrapped an arm around her friend's shoulders, rubbing the scratchy material of Rachel's hospital gown with her thumb. There was more to it than her just being tired and scared, but it was better than 'I'm fine'. It was a little bit of honesty and that was enough for Kim to work with. She could feel Rachel's tears staining her shirt as she sniffled.
"Everything's going to be fine, Rachel, I promise you"
"I want Adam. It's not fair" Rachel blurted, a strangled sob escaping her lips
"I know, I know. He'd be so proud of you, Rach, you're doing so, so well" Kim reassured
"I can't do this without him" she whispered
"You can"
"I don't have a choice more like"
"No, you can do this. You're not on your own. You are going to be the best Mum to this little girl and Adam is going to be with you wherever you go, you know that"
"Have you picked a name for your little girl?" she added
Rachel nodded. She had picked it the second she knew she was having a girl. The name had stuck in her mind and heart ever since and had attached itself to the little girl growing inside her.
"Do you want to tell me?" Kim asked
"Annabelle Madeline Fleet"
Kim smiled.
"Beautiful"
"It was the name Adam would have picked if he ever had a daughter. He told me when we were on our honeymoon and were discussing having children. The minute I found out she was a girl, I knew that was her name" Rachel explained
"That's lovely, Rachel. She's going to be the luckiest baby to have you as her Mother"
Rachel smiled briefly, groaning as another contraction began. She searched blindly for Kim's hand, squeezing it with an iron-tight grip when she found it.
"I don't know why people want to do this more than once" Rachel mumbled once the pain had gone
Kim laughed at that. She had thought the same when she had gone into labour with Dexter on the school trip.
"How the hell did you survive this with Dexter?" Rachel grumbled, burying her face in her arms as she swayed gently in her crouched position
"I didn't, I had to have a c-section, remember? I got given the easy way out"
"That's not the easy way out. You were in pain for weeks afterwards. You could barely move!" Rachel pointed out
"I know, but people call it the easy way out. Most of them are probably men or women who have never had to have one and have given birth naturally"
"That's the last thing I want. I refuse to have a c-section unless she's in absolute danger"
It was true. Having to have a c-section was Rachel's worst nightmare, and the thought of potentially having to have one made her panic. Of course she knew that most of the time they were low risk and if it got the baby out safely then it was worth it. But she'd seen the way Kim had suffered afterwards. She was in constant pain for three months, struggling to walk anywhere or to be able to do something as simple as feeding Dexter or lifting him into her arms. Being cut open was Rachel's worst nightmare. She'd take natural labour over a c-section any day.
"It won't come to that, Rachel. You're doing really well" Kim reassured, rubbing her lower back again
"I'm in so much pain" she whimpered breathlessly, another contraction building
"I know, just try and breathe, yeah?" Kim encouraged
Rachel nodded, gripping the mattress tightly as the contraction became stronger. The cry that escaped her lips made Kim wince. She rubbed her arm comfortingly, ignoring the pain in her fingers from her hand being crushed by Rachel's grip.
"Can you help me up, please? I'm not comfy" Rachel requested once the pain had gone again
"Of course" Kim agreed, slowly pulling Rachel to her feet and sitting her on the edge of the bed
"Why don't you try lying down?" Kim suggested, noticing how tired Rachel looked
Rachel reluctantly agreed, settling back against the pillows. Once Kim had placed a pillow behind her lower back, she was comfortable. Her eyes were drifting open and closed, the fatigue overwhelming. Her body was aching from head to toe.
She placed a hand on her stomach, rubbing it gently with her thumb. Her mind wandered to Bolton. She felt guilty for not being by his side when he needed someone. As soon as she was able, she would be. She was worried about him. No one could survive a fall from a roof without sustaining life changing injuries. It broke her heart knowing how desperate he had been to leave this world.
The last time she had seen Bolton, was on results day two years ago. She and Adam had come back to England for the week to support Philip and all the other students.
During his last year at Waterloo Road, Bolton had been making plans to go to University to study Sports Science. He had been so excited about it, chatting away to her about the course and what it entailed and what he wanted to do afterwards. She recalled a few occasions where she had been leaving work a little later in the evening and had found him in the study room, half asleep with a text book in his hand. Of course she had stayed with him while he packed up and had made sure he got home safely.
She remembered the way he had hugged her when he'd found out he'd got three A's in his A-level subjects, confirming his place at University. He was over the moon and so excited. She was so proud of him. He had worked so hard and it was what he deserved.
The Bolton she knew then wasn't the one she knew now. How had things become so bad for him? What had gone wrong? She didn't know the answer to that, but she wanted to help in whatever way she could.
"What are you thinking about?" Kim asked
"Bolton" Rachel admitted
"Do you want me to text Eddie and see if he knows how he's doing?" She offered
Rachel nodded tiredly.