The penguin king woke up slowly. The air had gotten cooler and the sky was darkening into a bluish haze. It had to be at least 7 PM. How long had they slept?

Groggily, he tried to sit up, and felt a weight pressing down on him. It was then that he realized Bowser was snoozing atop him, the Koopa's face buried in his chest feathers.

Despite the air, Dedede started to warm up considerably. Bowser's arm was also draped over him and… it was weird. He found himself in the "clutches" of an intimidating beast, and yet he'd never felt safer.

His inner cuteness circuits were in overdrive. He couldn't bring himself to wake this proud creature when he looked so peaceful and content. Bowser's breathing rumbled through the penguin's entire body.

Or maybe he didn't want to wake Bowser because he loved the feeling of being wrapped in his arms? That would certainly explain why his heart felt like it was going to melt into a puddle of goo.

What is this I'm experiencin'? I've never been so drawn to anybody before, but Bowser is like a magnet, like a kinetic force I can't get away from!

Dedede took off a glove and put his palm on the Koopa's head, running his fingers through Bowser's luxurious mane.

His hair is soft, tousled, and smells so nice. Touchin' it makes me want to… Protect him? But what does he need protection from? What could I even do for him?

Bowser let out a quiet whiny growl, like a pleased whimper. He smelled like flames, leather and smoke, a smoldering, dark aroma that gave Dedede the same sensation he got when he smelled coffee brewing in the morning. Like a white-hot supernova of unimagined possibilities.

Why does his body against mine feel so… invigorating? I feel his breathing, and where his scales meet my feathers it's like a static shock. I'm getting dizzy...

It wasn't long, however, until the other king stirred. Dedede hurriedly put his glove back on.

Bowser yawned, and opened his eyes. He looked at Dedede and saw his eyes were open as well. The penguin tried not to look guilty as he felt the turtle-dragon become stiff against him.

"Y-you woke up how long ago?" Bowser asked, barely even awake himself and yet fully alert.

"Oh, it's been a while," Dedede said, winking. "I tried to pry your heavy head and arm off me, but you insisted on snuggling."

"I wasn't snugglin'! I don't snuggle!" He did blush, however.

"Oh really? Could've fooled me, ya seemed pretty good at… it…" Dedede realized how this thought sounded after it left his mouth.

Bowser looked at him funny. "Tried to lift me off you, huh? My head's not that heavy. I don't think you even budged."

"Don't… don't go getting ideas like that!" Dedede faltered in his command of the situation.

"Face it, you wanted to be close to me. Where I'm concerned, you want to be a sitting duck."

"Stop making things up! Lies! Slander! I'll have you thrown in the dungeon! Also, I'm not a duck!"

"Yeah right. You don't even have a dungeon. Hella weak, by the way." Bowser seemed to notice then that he was still lying on the penguin, and quickly sat up, yawning ferociously, causing Dedede to startle a bit. "Seriously, though, how long were we out for?"

"...Quite a bit." Dedede rubbed his eyes. "I think it's well past suppertime."

"Aw man, I missed dinner to cuddle with you? …By accident… Because I rolled over in my sleep?" Bowser had his tail in his hands. Why did he suddenly look guilty?

Dedede stretched out his arms. "Relax, I can get us food."

"Weren't we s'posedta meet Addy and Wanda again after their show?" Bowser said. "At that lil' wine bar? I vaguely remember making plans."

"Whatever. They can take care of themselves. Besides, I'm starving," Dedede huffed.

Wait, that's unlike me. I would never want to stand them up. Are his bad manners rubbing off on me? Or am I desperate for alone time with this guy or something? Get it together, Dedede!

A firefly sparked into existence momentarily.

"Nah, it's rude to bail on an invitation," Bowser remarked, clearing his throat.

"What, now you're teaching me etiquette?"

"I got a lot to teach you, pal." Bowser gave him a squeeze in the love handle region.

Dedede let out a little flustered yelp. "Alright, alright, we'll go see them."

Dedede and Bowser entered The Grape Garden once again. It was jam-packed, unlike that morning, and they heard Adeleine and Wanda calling their names. They joined the artists at a table, with two seats saved for them, next to one another.

"About time you showed up," Wanda said. "We thought you ditched us."

"I did find my head in a ditch, at one point," Bowser joked anxiously.

Dedede rolled his eyes. "Sorry. We fell asleep."

"Typical. Leave two lazy boys alone for a minute and they're in bed together."

"We- we weren't in bed together, and we're not lazy!" Dedede protested, blushing.

"Don't get so defensive, Dedede, you'll just fuel her," Bowser said, also a bit redder than usual.

Wanda laughed. "Whatever… Adeleine and I were actually about to leave after these drinks."

Adeleine raised a half-empty glass of apple cider. "Sorry, we waited as long as we could."

"It's okay," Bowser said, making an exaggerated sigh. "I guess I'll just entertain our resident grump by myself."

Dedede gave him an annoyed glance. I wish "grump" weren't the single thing people declared me to be. And what, does that mean he's already sick of spending so much time around me? Or am I just being oversensitive? Maybe he's just joking. He does like to joke. He did spend all day with me, willingly. I need to calm down. Why do I suddenly care so much what he thinks? He just inserted himself into my life at random and I'm acting like he's my ruler. Although, maybe it would be nice to let someone else take the reins for once… wait, what am I even thinking?

"Yooooo… earth to Dedede," Bowser said, waving a big hand in front of the penguin's face. "The lights're on, but nobody's home."

"Uh…" Dedede realized he needed to stop getting lost in thought.

Easier said than done.

"Order a beverage, ya big goofball," Wanda urged.

He observed the server, a Sir Kibble, standing there silently. He then noticed the big green bow on top of the knight's helmet, realizing that she was a lady under all that armor. A Dame Kibble, rather.

Bowser requested a chocolate stout, and Dedede asked for some wine again, the same Cabernet he'd had in the morning. The four chatted for a bit, the kings asking the women how their art show went, and the ladies asking them how their nap together went, making sure to embarrass them as much as possible before leaving.

As the artists got out of their seats, Bowser addressed them both. "Headin' out so soon? The night's still young."

"Maybe for you," Wanda said, releasing an echoey yawn, "but we've both been up since 5 AM."

"We had a lot of last-minute work to accomplish," added Adeleine.

"Oh well," Dedede replied, "it was nice catching up with the two of you today."

"Yeah, let's do this again sometime!" the Waddle Doo suggested.

"I'm in," Adeleine agreed.

They all nodded and said their goodbyes.

Eventually, the pair of creatives saw themselves out, and the royal duo were alone together once again, but surrounded by people this time. A Bronto Burt busser came by to clear the table of the girls' empty glasses, struggling to carry the tray.

"Well, I'm still feeling a little groggy," Dedede said, gingerly leaning his head on Bowser's arm.

"W-whaddya think you're doin'?" the Koopa growled.

"Apparently this is how evil kings are supposed to act. I'm just following your lead," he snarked back.

"Yeah, well, follow another," Bowser said, flushed, nudging Dedede's head off of him.

"I thought I was the resident grump," Dedede snarked, not sure why being pushed away cut into his stomach like an icicle.

"Heh. Ya still are, don't worry." The Koopa, looking nervous, slid his chair over to sit across from the penguin. "Now that we're the only ones at the table, I really should be facin' ya…"

Nooo… did I make the situation awkward…?

Then again... there were a lot of people around. Oh dear, did anyone see that? I'm such a dweeb.

"Looks like someone's a little intimidated by me, now," the penguin quickly said, saving face.

"Don't sass me. I'll cook you to a crisp with my fire breath." The Koopa had a satisfied smile and half-lidded eyes, implying that he was enjoying this banter more than he let on, and wasn't actually annoyed by the gesture.

"You wouldn't," Dedede said. "You like me too much."

"N-now you're just being silly," Bowser said, his voice wavering.

"It was you, not me, who was desperate fer a Dedede pillow."

"Yeah, well, you liked it." He turned away, and Dedede thought he could see him hiding a mischievous expression.

Bowser gave off the air of a kid who was trapped in an adult body, just wanting to take every moment as it was and be fully present in it, sculpting every second to his liking with as much force as he could get away with exerting.

Not like Dedede. He was a serious, stuffy worrywart, always in his head, wondering what he did wrong most recently, or a decade ago. Always with the trains of thought that interrupted his reasoning and took over his faculties, until he imploded a little inside, and everything blipped away until the next time.

After only a couple days spent knowing Bowser, Dedede noticed he felt different around him. Like Bowser's way of seeing the world dominated his, and he empathetically understood the Koopa, wanting to be like him, a more free spirit, less repressed.

Crazy, the emotions that he's stirrin' up just by being here.

They had finished their drinks rather quickly. The armored waitress noticed this and clanked over to ask if they wanted more.

"Yeah," Bowser said. "Put his on my tab."

"Huh? What are you doing?" Dedede questioned.

"Buyin' you a drink, dumbass." Bowser blushed, or maybe it was the light.

"Ah, well… thanks?" The penguin felt a bit like he was on a date, all of a sudden. The feeling hit him in the gut. Not that he knew what being on a date was like, but the sensation still felt visceral.

Before, everything they did together was sort of… random. Whatever was happening in Dream Land at the time, they just did it because it was there. The picnic. The fair. The Gourmet Race, soon. And all of it mostly involved other people. Being at the castle together didn't really count, since they were both staying there anyway. They never made specific plans to be at home base.

But this… this was not in the script. Something about Bowser buying him a drink felt… official. As if the line had finally been crossed between acquaintance and… friend. The Koopa was basically saying, "We're here, and we don't need anyone else. Just sitting at a table and talking to you alone is a fine way to spend the evening." Dedede shouldn't have felt so excited, but he did.

It didn't help that, while buying a friend a drink was a perfectly common gesture, the action of purchasing consumables for somebody always had a bit of a romantic feel to it. The husband buys his wife dinner at a nice restaurant. "I care about you so much that I want you to be comfortable, even if you don't need this to survive. I like you so much I want to give you unnecessary pleasures."

It wasn't as if nobody had ever done anything nice for Dedede... but this time, it felt like he'd had to work to get this to happen. He'd had to earn this friendship. To break down their respective walls and see eye to eye.

He remembered how badly their first meeting had gone, the subsequent misunderstandings, and how he'd thought that he'd blown it so many times. But his conflicting feelings about the turtle didn't help matters; for every impulse to be near Bowser, an equal urge arose to push him away. They were fire and ice – polar opposites that couldn't mix without one dissipating the other, leaving nothing in its place but a cloud of steam. And fire usually won in those elemental engagements.

Bowser's overwhelming charisma and style were competing with the fact that he was brash, maddening, and probably dangerous too. The relationship already felt like a competition sometimes, and perhaps an ill-advised one at that... but then again, Dedede couldn't remember a time when he'd felt so alive, so curious about the future.

And of course it would be Bowser making the decisions and guiding the night. What if Dedede didn't want to stay out? He did, of course, but that wasn't the point. Part of him liked Bowser making choices for him, and part of him didn't. It simultaneously made Dedede feel important, and yet like… a sidekick.

Suddenly Dedede realized he was just thinking in circles again, sentence fragments and flashes of emotion bouncing around inside his head like it was a broken pinball machine. He wondered how long he'd been silent, peering over at the Koopa King, who was looking bored.

I'm going crazy… gotta stop treating everything Bowser does as if it's a thunderclap from the clouds. He probably just wants to repay me for hosting and feeding him. Not that I wanted any repayment…

Dedede glanced into the devil's eyes, trying not to get sucked in.

"Oh, yer here! Welcome back!" jabbed Bowser, noticing the alertness return to the penguin's gaze.

"Hmmph." The penguin felt self-conscious about his distractibility. He knew it was seen as rude, but he didn't act that way on purpose.

He then realized the server was still there, patiently staring at him, and began to sweat.

Bowser sighed. "We're waitin' for ya to decide what to drink. Didn't know if ya still wanted the same vino."

"Uhhh…" Dedede tried to think.

"Is it that hard? Just getcher Cabbernabby again if ya dunno," the Koopa said.

Dedede looked at Bowser's glass.

"No, I'm having beer this time."

They all were silent for a moment.

Bowser stared blankly. "Okay? This a big dramatic reveal or somethin'? What kinda beer? The lady's waitin'!"

Dedede stiffened, looking at the waitress. "Can you make a suggestion?"

Her voice echoed out of the helmet. "What were you in the mood for? Something hoppy? Fruity? Maybe a darker option, or perhaps our amber ale? We also have a hazy IPA that's really popular right now, from Flying Mookies Brewery. It's called Juicy Acchi."

"Uhm…" the penguin mumbled. "I need something… easy to drink."

The server seemed to clock his inexperience. "How about our house lager, Garden of Gordo, then? It's light and has hints of prickly pear, with a friendly, but not overwhelming hoppiness."

Dedede nodded. "Sounds good!"

She left in a hurry, having waited too long at their table. Other patrons were likely impatient, and would probably reduce their tips at this rate.

"Glad ya finally figured somethin' out," Bowser said. "Though I didn't have ya pegged as a beer drinker."

"I'm full of surprises," Dedede said confidently.

He'd only had beer a few times in his life, but never liked it. Maybe with the right kind, though, he would acquire the taste.

Their beverages arrived. Bowser held up his glass.

"Cheers," he said.

"Cheers," echoed Dedede, tapping his glass against Bowser's.

"You must be tired," Bowser said, sipping his booze.

The penguin wondered why he thought that. "Not really, why?"

"You're so zoned out."

Dedede sighed, looking into his beer. "Sorry… that's just how I am. It's not that I'm not payin' attention on purpose, my mind just… works overtime."

"Whoa, I... didn't expect a sincere response," Bowser replied, scratching his head and pausing for a moment, before continuing. "It's fine, I know I'm... a lot. It's prob'ly normal if ya need to regroup once in awhile."

Dedede cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. "It's not... It's not you," he lied.

"Then what is it?" Bowser almost looked disappointed to hear that he ostensibly wasn't the subject of Dedede's thoughts.

The penguin felt guilty for being dishonest, but he couldn't reveal his ruminations so freely. "Just… royalty problems. I'm sure you know the drill, so I won't bore ya. Point is, I'm not tired, not by a long shot." He took his first sip of the lager. Hmm, not bad! Kinda refreshing.

Bowser gave him a look that said he clearly didn't buy it. "Fine. Keep me in the dark. Grogginess aside, I ain't really sleepy either," the Koopa replied.

"Yeah," replied Dedede, "I guess that's what happens when you nap fer hours."

They both swigged their beers in unison, reflecting.

"Ya know what this means," Bowser grinned.

"What?" Dedede felt silly because he couldn't help mirroring Bowser's smile.

"We're gonna party tonight, you an' me. Ain't like we'll be gettin' to bed till the wee hours anyway…"

"Alright," Dedede chuckled. "Sounds like fun."

For as muted as his response was, inside his body the penguin felt adrenaline surging. He isn't sick of me at all... quite the opposite!

LEATHER AND FEATHERS: CHAPTER 4

"Drinkin' Thinkin'"

"So what's the Koopa Kingdom like?" Dedede asked, glugging away at his second beer. He seemed to enjoy the prickly pear lager.

Bowser swiped a paw over his mane, which he noticed in a mirror was tousled still, from sleeping outside earlier. "S'pretty rad. Y'got lovely lively oceans of fire, everything's all rocky an' precarious, evil lookin' clouds all day every day, the undead walk among the living…"

"Okay, you definitely made all of that up. Especially the last part," the penguin hiccupped.

"Did not!" The Koopa pouted. Just wait'll he sees a Dry Bones, then we'll see who's right.

"Sounds spoooooky," Dedede said, waggling his fingers in the air.

"Yeah, it's real metal to live there. You wouldn't stand a chance."

"Bet I would!"

"Maybe if ya had a big guy like me to protect ya… otherwise you'd be toast."

The avian went quiet, looking away. "I… I finished my beer! Waitress! Emergency!"

Bowser chuckled. He's suuuuch a little dork.

They chatted up the server, whom they discovered was working there part-time to help pay for law school.

"A knight, a lawyer AND a kickass waitress… what don't ya do?" Bowser said.

"I like to start a lot of things, but I struggle with follow-through," she said. "I almost dropped out last semester."

"Aww, well, we believe in ya! Get out there and kick the world's ass!" Dedede shouted a smidge too excitedly, not as good at holding his liquor as the Koopa.

He's so silly and confident when he's drunk, Bowser thought, tipsy himself. Almost like he's channelin' my energy right now.

As she left to deal with other patrons, she thanked them for the support.

Bowser laughed, still thinking about the penguin's words of encouragement to her. "Yer a real piece'a work, ya know that?"

"An' you're a real piece of jerk!" Dedede laughed. "Big bad Bowser…"

"That's right, and ya better not forget it!" Bowser grinned cockily.

It was getting hard to hear each other over the myriad conversations surrounding them. People were coming and going, a lot of them excited about the day's festivities. The energy in the room was contagious.

"I think yer… softer than you wanna admit," the bird said, eyeing him smugly.

"What's that s'posedta mean?" Bowser slurred.

"You spent… you spent all day hangin' with me when you could've been burnin' the castle down. Have I grown on you? Did my gentle ways seduce ya to the side'a heroism?"

Bowser blushed, smiling. "You ain't seducin' anyone with them lil' mittens of yers. I'm just biding my time, waitin' for the perfect moment to getcha."

"And where does visitin' art shows 'n' carnivals, beggin' fer a Dededoll play into this master plan?" The penguin's speech was slurring even more than Bowser's, evidently quite the lightweight.

The Koopa got even redder. "They say ya gotta know your enemy inside 'n' out to form an efficient strategy."

Dedede spilled a bit of his lager while drinking a big swig. "How much deeper do ya needta go before you know me inside out?"

Bowser looked him dead in the eyes. He gave a self-assured smirk. "You have no idea just how deep I can go, little penguin."

The other king went silent.

Uh… why is he lookin' all sheepish all of a sudden? He knows I'm jokin', right? Crap, he thinks I'm gonna kill him again. His face is all red 'n' everything…

Bowser leaned over the table. "You what!?"

"I stole all the food in the kingdom." Dedede shrugged. He gulped down more beer.

Bowser took a swig as well. How many drinks've we had now? I lost count. "Okay, but… why?"

The avian raised up his palm as if it were obvious. "'Cause I was hungry."

"And what were you possessed by that time?"

"...My stomach."

The reptile grinned, eyes twinkling. "Greedy Dedede. Guess you might just have the chops to be a bad guy after all. Pork chops, that is."

"Here we go again…" Dedede crossed his arms, his belly jiggling as he did so, as if to prove Bowser's point.

Elsewhere in the establishment, a distant server dropped a glass, which shattered loudly, and many tables started applauding.

"Well, I guess that story explains all the extra junk in the trunk, at least," Bowser remarked.

"W-what!? You been lookin' at my trunk, y'weirdo!?"

The Koopa began to sweat. "That's not what I mean! Figure of speech!"

Though, it is kinda hard to miss…

"The only 'figure' you seem to be interested in is mine!" the bird king exclaimed. "You even needed a stand-in stuffed penguin just so you can have somethin' to cuddle when ya go home! Talk about a chubby chaser! Who the heck is so obsessed with someone that they need a plushie of them…"

"I asked for that because I needed a voodoo doll!" Bowser roared.

"Don't you dare stick anything into that stuffie, you sicko," the bird demanded.

"I'll do what I want. He's all mine," Bowser said, laughing evilly.

"Well, don't come cryin' to me when he's all torn up and you can't fix him."

"That's okay, once he's all used and bruised, I'll throw him in the lava where he belongs! Grahaha!"

"You wouldn't!" Dedede was scandalized.

The conversation died down for a while, both of them nursing their beers. The turtle wondered if the penguin was thinking the same thing as him.

Right… I do need to go home at some point… can't stay here forever.

But why does the thought make my chest hurt?

"So… maybe I'm not the most villainous guy out there. But I'm still bad! I mean, I nearly starved my kingdom due to my own selfishness. That's a heavy weight to carry."

"I'll say it is," Bowser snorted.

"Get serious! I'm tryin' to be better now. Every day. My subjects used to hate me, but I've made strides to help out an' rebuild my reputation." Dedede sighed.

"Pah, this is silly goody-goody nonsense. You need to come over to the dark side. We have lava."

The Koopa took another handful of nachos from the plate they shared, munching on them, dropping black olives on his lap. He washed them down with his beer; he'd just ordered the same prickly lager Dedede was drinking, wanting to try it out himself.

"You say that, but yer maturin' as well after all this time with me. I'm a good influence," Dedede chirped.

I can fix him…

Bowser's jaw dropped. "I'm… MATURING!? How dare you! The hell ya think you are, featherbag?"

"It's true," Dedede said, taking a particularly cheese-encased chip for himself.

"First of all, I'm already mature," Bowser growled.

"No, definitely not."

"Second of all, HOW am I s'posedly 'maturing?'" The Koopa leaned his elbow on the table.

"The first time we met you were going out of your way to be a pain to me. Now, we've been spending time havin' a conversation. You don't call that maturing?"

"No, I call it me wormin' my way into yer good graces so I can trap ya unawares later. Once ya trust me the most, then I can grab ya at your most vulnerable."

More bravado, hmm? Two can play at that.

The penguin scoffed. "Well, I trust ya. So grab me!"

"W-what!?" Bowser gasped, unsure how to take this.

"Oh, Bowbow, it's been so nice gettin' to know ya. I'm just so weak and naive – it's good to know I got a strong biggun like you around to keep me safe…" Dedede leaned back in his chair, his face burning up ever so slightly. "I'm so comfy 'round ya, that I think I'm gonna close my eyes now, and stretch out my arms behind my head, leavin' me utterly defenseless."

Bowser stared at him, eyes wide. Dedede lounged out his body comfortably and shut his eyes, smirking.

The penguin continued. "All these little critters in the bar are no match for you either, apropos of nothin'! I'm miiiiighty excited to put myself in such a helpless state! Really hope this decision isn't my greatest miscalculation! I'd suuuure hate to be punished for my innocent hubris right now…"

I'm like, at least 80 percent sure I will survive this.

The penguin waited a few prolonged moments, before opening his eyes again.

Bowser was staring daggers at him from across the table, with rosy cheeks and one of his big teeth sticking out to bite his lower lip.

"Oh, guess your bark is worse than yer bite," Dedede laughed arrogantly.

"You bratty bastard!"

"Aww, buckle up, little turtle, yer in fer a wild ride with the seatbelt on if ya roll with Dedede."

The Koopa's expression was difficult to read. "Snatchin' my mannerisms!? Now who's influencin' whom?"

Dedede then noticed that all the nachos were gone.

"Hey! Earlier, when I told ya my villain origin story, I didn't expect ya to, y'know, copy me."

Bowser looked at the empty plate, his face further reddening. "I'll order another, just for you."

In total, they spent about four more hours in the bar, drinking quickly and bantering up a storm about the most frivolous of topics.

Bowser and Dedede left their payment on the table, adding an enormous gratuity for the attentive service.

They stumbled out the door, beyond tipsy, arms around each other, and carefully made their way back up to the castle. Drinking that much on mostly empty stomachs had been an unintentional stroke of genius – there weren't any pesky nutrients in their bodies to soak up valuable booze.

Climbing the sloped path up to the castle yet again, Bowser attempted his "glute commute" pun once more. He was pleased beyond belief when it landed and the penguin had to stop walking and lean on him, in tears from the laughter.

"A glute… COMMUTE!" Dedede cackled, in hysterics. "Because climbing hills… makes your tush muscles bigger!"

Least he's gotta better sense of humor than his guards, Bowser thought, proud of his wordplay.

Two Waddle Dees manned the entrance, opening the doors for them.

"Late night tonight, sire?" said one of them, winking.

"Yeah… laaaate," Dedede slurred. The kings looked at each other and giggled, red-faced.

The Waddle Dees exchanged curious looks.

Inside the castle, they continued laughing, half-walking and half-running through the halls to the kitchen.

They clambered along, bumping into tables, tripping over the corners of carpets.

"Shhhhh," Dedede put a finger up in front of Bowser's lips, "We're gonna wake the whole army if we're not quiet!"

"Okay, okay," Bowser whispered, making a mock attempt to chomp the penguin's finger, his fangs clicking loudly.

This made Dedede laugh again, a sound that Bowser was starting to become fond of. He was also hearing it more often, and seeing Dedede smile more, which made him feel hot inside. It was probably the booze that was keeping him warm, he figured.

They got into the kitchen and Dedede turned on the lights. "What are we gonna eat? I'm famished."

"Yeah, those nachos weren't very filling."

"Really? 'Cause you sure filled yerself with 'em."

"Heyyyy! I boughtcha another plate, like I promised!"

"And you picked at that one too. I swear, if you WERE tryin' to take over my kingdom, and ya weren't just – as we've established – a big boastful blusterer, I just know it'd be by starvation tactics. Surprising, as I woulda had ya pegged as more of a scorched-earth kinda guy."

"Hmmph…" The Koopa crossed his arms, clearly beaten at his own game.

The penguin king opened the fridge, peering inside. "What's on the menu tonight…"

Bowser came up behind him, putting his head on Dedede's shoulder to see what was in the refrigerator. "How about that lasagna back there?"

"Kawasaki made that last week… ah, well, I'm sure it's fine." Dedede removed it from the fridge, sliding out from under the Koopa's chin, nearly causing him to fall over.

The feathery king walked over and put the leftovers into the microwave, starting it up with a few beeps as he clumsily pressed the buttons.

Meanwhile, the scaly king looked around, recognizing the kitchen. "Oh right, this is where I ate that sad quiche last night!" blurted Bowser.

"I was LOOKIN' fer that- wait, what was wrong with the quiche?" Dedede frowned.

"N-nothing! It wasn't bad at all!" the turtledragon replied.

The penguin raised his eyebrow. "Then why'd you call it sad?"

"I didn't say sad! I said rad!"

"Ah, my bad."

The reptile sighed in relief.

While the penguin was preoccupied watching the plate spin around in circles, Bowser looked inside the fridge.

He rifled through and found some whipped cream.

Then an idea occurred.

He grinned devilishly.

He snuck up behind Dedede and tapped him on the shoulder.

Dedede turned around just in time…

Ssssccccchhhhhhhcccchhhh!

…to get a jet of whipped cream sprayed all over his chest.

"What's the big idea!?" the penguin exclaimed.

Bowser laughed maniacally. "My plot for Dedede domination has begun! First step is to mark my target." He took a clawtip and traced a big X symbol in the creamy mess.

"Very funny! But you came to this battle unprepared," the penguin snarked, yanking the pressurized bottle from Bowser's hand. "Ya left yerself open fer a counterattack."

Sssssssscccccccchhhhh.

Dedede made a heart shape on Bowser's midsection, all the way up to just under his throat.

"Drat! Foiled again!" Bowser looked down. "Yoooo, why did you make a heart? D'ya got a crush on me or somethin'?" The Koopa's cheeks started burning.

Dedede looked distressed. "Don't be s-so foolish! Hearts are one of the most important symbols of Dream Land, along with stars… which are really hard to draw."

"A heart is your national emblem?" Bowser snorted. "I can't believe it, I'm visiting the sappy capital of the universe!"

"Hey! First of all, no, that'd be a star, which I already explained that stars are incredibly difficult to illustrate. Secondly, unlike you, we don't all walk around with a permanent snarl on our faces!"

"That's not fair. I smile all the time!" Bowser demonstrated, showing his pearly whites.

"When you're mocking me."

"Well, what can I say. You make a great mockin'bird."

"Yeah, and you put the hell back in shell!"

The Koopa sighed. "Is… is that seriously the best ya got?" Bowser said. "I'm disappointed, Dede…de…dede…dededede-"

"Quiet, Koopa, or I shall call the guards and have you ejected from the premises with expediency." He did a fake posh accent for that statement. "Anyway, you clearly just aren't smart enough to get my humor."

Bowser cracked a sideways smirk, crossing his arms. "If smarts are what I need to find your jokes funny, then ignorance... is bliss!"

The penguin pouted.

The Koopa king looked over his host. He licked his lips.

"Wh-why are you staring at me that way?" Dedede asked.

"It's just, I'm awful hungry, that lasagna's taking forever, and I really feel it's a shame to waste all that whipped cream…"

Dedede took a step backward, bumping into the fridge. "D-don't eat me! I'm mostly air!"

Bowser swooped in, clutched the trembling Dedede by his sides and took a loud slurp of the white disaster he'd created, his big tongue dragging up along the bird's torso.

"Aaack!" Dedede almost fell backwards, grabbing onto the Koopa's shell spikes for balance. "Y-you're crazy!"

"Ain't that what ya love about me?" Bowser nuzzled his snout in again, his tongue leaving a trail of saliva, before pulling it back, his face covered with whipped cream now. "You taste like chicken."

"Shaddap!" Dedede panted, taking quick, shallow breaths. "I'm not a snack!"

They were both beet red, but that was just the alcohol… right?

The Koopa licked off another large smattering of cream, making small, soft nibbles into his flesh. Dedede wiggled, and choked out a resisted laugh. He was clearly a smidge ticklish.

"You're right…" Bowser pulled back, standing up straight, palms still cupping the penguin. "You're not a snack. Yer a full-course meal."

Bowser looked into Dedede's eyes. They paused, still holding onto one another.

Then Dedede burst into laughter, putting his head on Bowser's pecs. "You're absolutely covered in that stuff now."

Bowser looked him over, as the penguin lifted his head up again, now covered in the cream from the Koopa's chest. "So are you," the Koopa said. "I thought my mouth woulda helped with that…"

"I almost thought ya were about to make me yer dinner," Dedede said, looking sheepish, as he wiped off his beak with the back of his mitt.

The Koopa sighed. "Do ya seriously believe I'm like that? Have a little faith..."

"With the way you act sometimes, ya can't blame me!"

"Rrraarg." Bowser loosened his grip.

Dedede jumped out of Bowser's hold and hurriedly went over to the sink, as if he were trying to hide his face. He grabbed a clean tea towel and got it wet, then returned to Bowser and started cleaning him off.

The reptile rumbled, not expecting this, but enjoying the treatment. Dedede's hands straying around with the towel got him a little too excited.

The penguin's breathing was fast. "Whoa! Your pecs are pretty, um, solid… do ya work out or somethin'?" Dedede sounded impressed, and a little intimidated, which turned Bowser on a tad.

It's normal to love hearing that, right?

"I have my own gym at my castle." He flexed his arms.

"I knew it! I knew that despite your little paunch, you were too vain not to exercise."

"Whoa, whoa, vain, me? It's not vanity if you're genuinely the best." Then the other part of the sentence sunk in. "...Paunch?"

Dedede poked him in the stomach. "Yeah, we've all noticed."

"You little…"

They exchanged another whipped cream-covered gaze.

Dedede's bright blue eyes were full of life. They were like little oceans, drowning with possibility. The Koopa wanted to take a swim, and he was decidedly not an aquatic type of turtle. He wanted to dive into them and see the chilly depths beneath, even if he would sink down to the bottom and never be able to float back up. They reminded him of a glacier, sturdy and proud, but which would eventually melt if the heat rose high enough, threatening to swallow everything in the resulting tide.

This moment felt really intense to Bowser. Almost too much to handle. His heart was pounding as Dedede continued to clean off the Koopa's torso, both of them quiet.

Bowser returned the favor after the other king was done wiping him down.

"You must have sprayed my entire chest," the drunken penguin remarked, blushing. "Man, your hands are big too…"

"Alcohol messed me up. I was aimin' for your face," Bowser said, too drunk to immediately understand what he was revealing by saying that, considering what he did after making the mess. He suddenly felt hot.

Dedede's ocean eyes glazed over. "Wait… so then... were you planning on tonguing my face instead?"

Bowser coughed. "UH, so, is that lasagna ready!?"

Dedede blinked. "CRAP!"

He ran to the microwave and opened it, smoke fuming out of the door.

"What happened?" Bowser asked, scratching his head.

"I think insteada three minutes, I set it to thirty," the other king replied.

This brought them into hysterics once again.

Bowser thought about how funny everything was when you were messed up. Not like being sober, when everything was so… sobering.

When they calmed down, Dedede suggested they eat some cereal instead, which they did, sitting on the counters.

"So lemme get this straight," Bowser mumbled through a mouthful of fruity rings, "Whatever Kirby eats, he turns into?"

"That's right." Dedede wiped his face with a napkin. "It's his Copy Ability."

"So if he ate Addy, he'd become a painter?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"And if he ate a Waddle Doo, he could shoot sparks?"

"Pretty much."

"Can he do that with everything?"

"Not quite. I still haven't seen 'im turn into a sandwich yet."

"What would happen if he ate one of us?"

Dedede stopped chewing, his face contorting in horror. "I dunno, but now I'm scared he's gonna try!"

"I don't wanna be the first to find out," Bowser said, biting his lip. "You gotta take one for the team."

"Didn't you fight him in the Smash tournaments already? Hasn't he tried to suck you in before?"

"Yeah, but like… well, it's a bit foggy… when you're Smashing, you're not really yourself." Bowser let out a small hiccup.

"What?"

"It's like, ya go into this stasis, and a trophy of you is created, then the trophy does the fighting… ya feel everythin' that happens, but even if ya die, you don't actually die."

"That sounds confusin'."

"Well, we're drunk, after all. Regardless, if it did happen, he just spat me out afterward and stole my fire breath. I don't remember, though, considering I am pretty sure I won all'a my matches. An' it all kinda bleeds together in my mind since it wasn't really me, and there were so many fights… But the point is, I dunno what it's like when it really happens. That's why you need to do the research for me." Bowser hoped Dedede was too inebriated to notice him contradicting himself.

"I already had someone try an' eat me," Dedede said, pointing at Bowser with his spoon, accidentally flicking some milk in the Koopa's face. "And yer always pushin' me around in one way or another… For cryin' out loud, why're ya so insistent on endangerin' poor little old me!?"

The Koopa didn't miss a beat. "I think it's either your poultry-like flavor, or your submissive behavior… hey, that rhymes."

"I t-told you I'm not submissive!"

"Yeah you are!" Bowser winked.

"You're just a big bully, ya know that?" Dedede crossed his arms.

"That's right. Maybe next time I see Kirby open his mouth, I'll push you in. For science."

"I'm not goin' in there! If yer so curious, you go!"

"No way. What if I got trapped?""

"Then... I'll eat cereal with fire breath Kirby, and everyone'll live happily ever after." The feathered king gave a solemn smile, eyes shut.

"Except ME!"

"Nooo, you'll be nice and cozy. And I won't have to hear your blabbering anymore. Heck, I wouldn't even be able to tell yas apart. Little Kirby with horns. I'll hang out with him and pretend it's you. What's the difference anyway? Ya both got the biggest mouths in the galaxy."

Bowser stared in shock as his entire character was dismantled in a matter of seconds.

"Raawrrgh…. It's a moot point anyhow! I'm about ten times his size. He couldn't fit me in his mouth, especially with my spikes," the turtle said.

"Sure, yer a mouthful. That much is certain. But I've seen Kirby swallow things much bigger'n you. And he's flexible as putty, so you wouldn't puncture him, I think."

"D-don't joke about that! This is serious!" Bowser put down his bowl and clenched the edge of the counter tightly.

"It's the truth."

"I'm never hanging around that pink freak again! Why would you bring me near such a dangerous threat!?"

"Kirby is a threat, but I'm not!?"

"Well, no, you're like the star of the bedtime stories I read to my kid. Totally gentle and muted."

Dedede blushed slightly. "I- I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult, but shove it!" He paused, a look of realization dawning in his eyes. "Wait, you have a kid?"

"Yup. My pride and joy, Bowser Jr."

Dedede looked disappointed, perplexingly. "So his mother is…"

A flurry of thoughts and emotions hit him. Bowser exhaled some smoke. He didn't mean to, it was an accident. He saw Dedede flinch, and said, "I… don't wanna talk about it."

"O-okay. Sorry." Dedede appeared relieved, maybe because he wasn't about to get flame-broiled.

I hope Junior is doing okay right now, Bowser thought. Kamek hates babysitting, but whatever. Daddy needs to have a life sometimes.

Silence. Then Dedede got up, took his and Bowser's bowls and, after nearly tripping on his own robe twice, started washing them in the sink.

"Don'tcha have people to do that for ya?" Bowser asked.

"Yes, but I'm here right now and it's not nice to wake up to a bunch of dishes to clean." After putting the bowls and spoons in a drying rack, he grabbed the container the lasagna was in. It was burnt and caked together. "This one can go in the garbage."

"Deeds, quit cleaning and come pay attention to me again." The scaly king's voice was needy.

Dedede dropped the container into a bin and hopped back up on a counter to face the reptile, granting Bowser another look into his blue eyes. "Jeez, you're needy. Attention granted."

"Uhhhhh, I don't even remember what I was going to say now." Bowser blushed.

"Doofus."

"Well, who's doofus-er, the doofus, or the guy who thinks the doofus is good company?"

"I'd say it's the one who is drunk enough to use words like 'doofus-er.'"

"I'm not drunk, you're drunk."

"Can't you see I'm basically sober?" Dedede jumped down to the floor and nearly lost his balance. "Whoa… standing is hard."

"I told you," Bowser snickered.

Dedede stumbled over and instinctively reached out, his palms landing on Bowser's thighs.

Instantly, electrical signals shot through the Koopa. He actually felt a pulse of… arousal? For a split second? He shook his head.

"What?" Dedede looked up at him, with glassy eyes.

Bowser avoided his gaze. "N-n-nothing, everything's absolutely fine!"

"Weirdo."

"I'm not weird, you're weird."

Dedede laid his head down on Bowser's leg. "Sooooooooo sleepy…"

"That's the booze talking. And you can't sleep there," Bowser said, blushing.

"Why not? You used me as a pillow earlier today!"

"Okay, fair enough, but your positionin'… what happens if I fall asleep too? You're gonna get a rude awakening."

"How so?"

"When my mornin' wood pokes out an eye, idiot!" Bowser blurted out uncomfortably.

Dedede shot his head up, embarrassed. "I- I get your point!"

"That's what we're tryin' to avoid!"

Bowser breathed a sigh of relief. To tell the truth, he couldn't accept it, but the penguin grazing his inner thigh, and breathing on it… it made him throb. And Dedede's face had been right there.

"Let's go hang out in my room," said the penguin.

"You realize, that followin' my morning wood comment with an invite to your quarters is kinda suggestive?"

"I'm not suggestive, you're suggestive," Dedede grumbled.

"I suggest ya watch yer tone when you're talking to a big bad boss like myself. Might not turn out well for you, otherwise..." Bowser got down from the counter and grabbed Dedede by his robe, leaning up close to his face. "Rawr."

Dedede's face kept getting redder and redder, which was confusing since they hadn't drunk anything in a while. "Lemme go."

"Make me," Bowser said, and pulled him in even closer into a very tight embrace.

Silence and stillness.

Bowser didn't know why he had the impulse to hug, but he did it anyway. Dedede didn't resist, but returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around the Koopa in turn.

He hung on to the fellow king for dear life, for either a minute or an hour, it was hard to tell. It should have felt awkward, but it felt so natural instead. Dedede shifted a little, but didn't say a word. Bowser didn't speak either, but took the time to breathe in the scent of his new friend.

Can I really call him my friend? For all I know, he's just entertainin' me because he feels he has to... I did kinda force myself on him, I'm even doing it now! I can't help myself. Poor guy DID think I wanted to eat him... Then again, I don't even know how to tell if someone likes me.

Bowser sighed, rumbling as he laid his head on the penguin's shoulder.

But... it would be nice... He's so good, but good guys can't stand me... And usually, I can't stand them either, but somehow, I wanna be around his energy more. Jeez, why does he smell so amazing... and feel so soft and warm and cuddly? Must be the booze, I guess. Yeah, that's it! Even though I haven't drunk anything in awhile...

Then, suddenly, the penguin squirmed out of his grip and started running out of the kitchen. "Yer not gonna capture me that easily!"

Bowser, reacting after a moment of surprise, gave chase. He saw the penguin's red robe trailing in the air as he turned a corner.

Their footsteps echoed through the empty castle. Bowser was keeping up, but Dedede was a good few yards ahead of him.

I guess this does make me a "chubby chaser…"

A few of the night-shift guards were watching attentively. Thankfully, Dedede was laughing, so they could tell things were probably all right.

If we keep havin' misunderstandin's like these, I'll be booted from Dream Land before I know it!

Eventually, Dedede led Bowser into the throne room, up a set of stairs in the back corner, and into his bedroom.

It was a simple room, much simpler than the Koopa had expected. Plain grey blankets and draperies. The enormous, double king-sized bed was against the back left corner and had an elegant canopy above it, also grey. A bench with a blue suede cushion. One dresser, a bookshelf, and two tall windows. There was a little rack next to the foot of the bed that housed a few red wine bottles. A hanging light fixture was faintly illuminating the room - there was a dimmer switch next to the door. The floor was stone, like the rest of the castle, with a dark red rug covering the large rectangular area between the bed and the doorway. It had a gold pattern going along the edges.

Bowser stopped to catch his breath. "You… you run pretty fast for a man of your stature."

Dedede smiled. "I'm not even gonna get offended, because I beat you."

"Not really. I've beaten you," Bowser panted.

"How do you figure?"

"Because now I've got ya cornered."

Dedede looked around him. It was true. Bowser was in front of the doorway and the only other exit was to jump out a window. His smile disappeared. "Whoops..."

"That's whatcha get. Look what happens as a consequence for gettin' cocky, penguin. Now yer in biiiiiiiig trouble… We've witnessed the first time an innocent little birdy became a little too overconfident… and realized it might just be his last."

Dedede panted, saying nothing. He arched back, as the Koopa leaned in closer.

"What am I gonna do with you," Bowser said, grinning.

"You… you tell me, Koopa," the bird king gasped.

Bowser leaned right over and whispered into his ear. "Capture you, subdue you, then what?"

Dedede shivered, shifting anxiously. He licked his lips. "I-I assume you'd have to kidnap me? Take me back to your castle?"

"Ah, yes. It's very scary there, a softie like you wouldn't stand a chance."

"I'm tougher than I look!" Dedede stepped back, toward the bed.

"But can ya take all the abuse I'm ready to dish out?" Bowser questioned him. "I'm very full of aggression. Might not be too good for you."

"You can do whatever ya want to me, but I… won't surrender." He bumped the back of his foot into the bedpost, yelping.

"Wanna bet?" Bowser's eyes and teeth glinted in the dark room.

They stared each other down, the temperature in the room rising. The tension was palpable.

Finally, without turning around, the penguin king reached behind where he was standing, fumbling his hand into the wine rack. He grabbed a bottle and held it up. "I don't know about you, but all that runnin' has sobered me up."

Bowser just grinned. Now this guy's startin' to get interesting.

Dedede popped off the cork and took a big glug of the dry Merlot, before passing it to Bowser. The Koopa swigged as he watched Dedede jump into bed and roll onto his side.

Bowser sat down on the rug at the edge of the bed, his arm resting on the mattress, gripping the blanket, and he passed the bottle over again. "So all the little Waddle Dees, do they just sleep in a litter somewhere like puppies, or do you have a barracks with dozens of tiny beds?"

"The latter, actually," Dedede chuckled, clearing his throat.

The turtle giggled, voice hoarse from the night's conversations. "Aww… Waddle Doggies."

"Latter, not litter. Although they do like to cuddle together. Everyone in Dream Land does…" he blushed.

"I'll… keep that in mind," Bowser said, still sobered enough to guess at what was just revealed in that sentence.

"This place is pretty dreamy," Dedede said. "It can get boring, though, despite the milky skies and starry oceans. What's the Koopa Kingdom like again? Tell the truth this time."

"I told ya, I was tellin' the truth!" Bowser thought for a moment. "It's… scenic. Red vistas, dark clouds, churnin' magmascapes. It's quite the opposite of here. There's really no place like it. Got lots of territories spread out everywhere. Yeah, my influence spreads far. You could almost say I've developed a cult of personality."

"Well, cults and crazy do go hand in hand," Dedede snickered.

Bowser scowled. "What do you know."

"Is there anyone yer… interested in back there? Seein' somebody? A sultry turtless, perhaps?"

That was a loaded question, regardless of the way Dedede stammered when he said it.

Bowser looked distant. "Maybe. But I think it'll never work."

Dedede kept quiet.

"You're supposed to say, 'I'm sure it will - you're a catch, Bowser!'" the Koopa King grumbled.

"I don't know the situation! I'm not gonna offer empty platitudes. Yer above that kinda nonsense."

"Thanks… I think?"

"Plus, she's probably outta your league, anyway. You should go for someone attainable."

Bowser knew it was a joke, but it hit like an insult. He furrowed his brow. "What, like you?"

Dedede was speechless. He took a big gulp of the wine and then passed it back.

A newly-satisfied Bowser peered out the window, from which a misty blue glow leaked into the room.

"We stayed up real late." The Koopa swished his tail across the floor.

"Yeah. It's gonna be light out soon."

"I ain't even tired, are you?" Bowser passed the bottle of wine, which had sat next to him on the floor, to Dedede.

"Admittedly… this is way past my usual bedtime…" the bird said, taking a glug.

Bowser softly chuckled. "You can crash, if you want."

"No, I think I'm okay," Dedede yawned.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

They talked and talked, and talked some more, until they eventually started passing out, holding half-asleep conversations that they'd never remember, but which were encoded into Bowser's dreams.

The encroaching darkness of sleep brought him visions of the two of them running through Dream Land's hills, running and running endlessly but never growing exhausted.