Catching Up, Season 2
Chapter 19 - Hold Me

It was late at night when Dean got up to get a drink and found Cas, still in the den, sitting in contemplative silence. Then again the angel always sat in silence so Dean couldn't be sure if he was contemplating anything or not but he did get the sense his friend wasn't okay. If fact, he'd noticed it for a good part of the day but didn't know how to broach the subject. "Cas? Buddy? What's up?"

"Hello Dean."

"You alright?"

"Fine." And yet there was something in the way he held himself, the set of his mouth, the look of his eyes, that said 'not fine'.

Dean shook his head, "Sorry man, don't believe you. I've seen that face before, wore it myself a few times."

Cas frowned, "You've never inhabited Jimmy's vessel..."

Dean chuckled, "What I mean is, when humans - angels - whatever are feeling a kind of way, it shows on their face. I recognize the subtleties of it having been through a similar thing. Something is bothering you."

"I see." Cas sighed.

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. It's just... I was reminded of something earlier and I find it difficult to suppress the memory once more."

"I mean you've seen this world at its best and especially at its worst, some things were bound to stick with you."

"It's not a bad memory Dean, quite the contrary, it's good. So good that it is painful because I can never have that again." Cas looked close to tears, a rare sight in and of itself.

Dean took a seat on the couch closest to the angel, "Want to tell me about it?"

"I don't know what words I could use." Cas swallowed thickly.

"Just try your best."

"So you know our father created us but we don't start as fully grown angels. We develop from fledglings, grouped together and watched over by the older ones. Gabriel used to take care of me actually, along with another." At this, Cas's face crumpled.

"Like a mother," Dean surmised. "You had a mom didn't you?"

"I suppose that's one way of looking at it," Cas shrugged lightly. "Angels don't really have genders, we call each brother and sister depending on what vessel or form we take. In my time, they were in a female vessel."

"What was her name?" Dean asked gently.

"Camael."

"Wasn't that the angel that drove Adam and Eve from the Garden? Thought it was a dude. What?" Dean shrugged at the angel's raised eyebrow. "I listen to when Sam says stuff...sometimes."

"Camael's true nature was largely obscured by Michael after the war. Mainly to service his ego. Camael and her kin were a different breed of angel; similar yet different from the archs. Instead of Grace, they were born of God's wrath, designed to seek his justice on Earth. In human terms, they were avenging angels."

"What?!" Dean breathed. "Back in Season One, when you said…and just now with the priest…"

"Yes. I truly don't know what happened to them. One day they were there and the next - she was gone. On Earth, Michael worked hard to subsume the avenging angels' exploits under the banner of the archangels to boost his authority and made even the barest mention of them taboo in Heaven. What made it worse was that Gabriel was gone too. I tried asking once, Michael punished me personally. I just woke up and my life was over."

"Thought angels don't sleep."

"Fledglings do and that's what I can't forget. I think - " Cas sniffed. "I think she said goodbye. I remember her patting me and humming and then she says something and then she's gone."

"Why didn't you ask Chuck?"

"I was - am - terrified of the answer. At least this way, I can pretend that she's somewhere out there just like Gabriel was. If she's really dead...Did Michael..."

"It could've been Lucifer," Dean supposed.

"But then why would Michael cover it up?" Cas shook his head. "I thought I'd put this behind me but between the show and Mary and everything that's happened. I really miss her Dean." Cas began to weep in earnest and Dean's heart cracked.

"Aw Cas, c'mere." He pulled the angel over and got rid of the suit jacket before tucking him into the crook of his neck. He remembered doing something like this for Sam throughout their childhood and even as adults but with Cas it was different. He held the Angel of Thursday tight to his chest, cradling his head. Cas never broke, never flinched, never waivered. Soothing strings of nonsensical assurance and affection flowed freely from his lips. Dean's eyes inexplicably landed on the DVDs and narrowed, what if...