On the rare occasions when he allowed himself to think about what it might be like when Liv finally let him into her bed, he never imagined it would be anything like this. He'd thought it would be romantic, passionate, sexy, even. But it wasn't; he'd refused to let her take him to the hospital and she didn't trust him to stand on his own two feet, and so her bed was precisely where they wound up. Liv laying on her side in deference to her still healing wounds, Elliot flat on his back alongside her, a bowl of microwave popcorn balanced precariously on the mattress between them. It'd been ages since he'd had anything to eat - that, he was sure, was why he'd passed out, that and the shock - and he didn't feel much like eating anything now, but she'd insisted that he had to have something, so he munched dutifully on the popcorn while he carefully, haltingly told her the story of his crazy dream. A dream; he had to call it a dream, wasn't sure he'd have been able to tell her anything at all if he allowed himself to admit the truth out loud.

"It just…felt so real," he told her quietly as his tale concluded.

Beside him Liv was quiet, and that made him nervous. What was she thinking about? Was she angry with him, for loving Olivia, for the scant happiness he'd discovered in that parallel universe when they'd found no such comfort here? Did she think he was insane? He was starting to think he might be, just a little. If it weren't for the thing about Tucker he'd be certain he was crazy, but how could he have guessed something like that? Tucker, that son of a bitch, he'd arrested Liv for murder and she hated him just as much as Elliot did, and Tucker didn't appear anywhere on the list of Liv's potential suitors in his mind. It was too specific, and too bizarre, for him to have accidentally conjured up that truth.

"I don't think it matters," Liv said slowly. "Whether it's real or not, I don't think that matters."

How could it not matter? As far as Elliot was concerned, the reality of those experiences was the only thing that did matter. Either he loved Liv so much his brain had cooked up some wild hallucination to kick some sense into him, or he really had gone to another world and loved another woman. If it was all a dream he could chalk it up to his devotion to Liv, and be content. If it was real, he could not help but think himself a betrayer. If it was a dream he did not have to mourn for Olivia; if it was real, then she was dead, and his heart ached at the thought.

"What matters is how you feel," she continued.

Somehow he hadn't expected that response from her; he turned his head on the pillow and regarded her warily. It didn't look like she was mad; she just looked thoughtful, and a little sad. Christ, he hated making her sad.

"I don't think I know how to feel," he confessed. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, and his heart kept rocketing back and forth from Liv to Olivia, from relief to ruin.

"You said you saw Kathy at OCCB, remember?" Liv nudged him gently. Yeah, he remembered that all right, walking into interrogation and finding the - what? Ghost? Yeah, maybe - ghost of his dead wife sitting at the table, waiting for him. "Maybe that was just your subconscious trying to get your attention, trying to make you deal with your feelings. Maybe that's all this dream was. Or maybe it was all real, you know?"

"You think ghosts are real?" Thirteen years they were partners, and he knew everything about her, and he would've sworn, before this moment, that there was no way in hell Olivia Benson believed in ghosts. Maybe he didn't know anything at all.

"Sometimes, in the dark, I…I don't know, Elliot. We've seen too much death. If anyone's gonna be haunted, it's us, isn't? But that isn't really what I'm trying to say."

Had she seen ghosts of her own, he wondered, and if she had, what had they tried to tell her?

"Then what -"

"Either way, real or not, it's like there's something or someone, even if it's just your own brain, trying to…I don't know, to give you some guidance here."

"That's what I thought," he said. "When I woke up in the urgent care, I thought…it all seemed so clear, you know? Like…like obviously the dream was just a wake up call. A way to show me what's important to me. And that's you, Liv. It's always been you. I just…I think I just needed a kick in the pants. Something to get me moving."

"Does knowing that your experiences were real change that?"

That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? If that parallel universe was real, if all those things had happened, did it change anything? Gave him more to feel guilty about, maybe, but did it make him love her any less, want her any less?

"No," he said. Very slowly he reached across the space between them, and she met him halfway, laced their fingers together and held on tight. "The whole time I was gone, I never stopped thinking about you, Liv. Not for a second. I had this…"

Shit, was he really gonna tell her about the necklace? He kind of had to, didn't he?

"Before we went to Ohio, I'd bought something for you. A necklace."

"A necklace?" she repeated incredulously. He didn't want to think too hard about why she'd be so surprised by that, and so he barrelled on.

"I had some crazy thought like maybe we'd get a minute alone in Ohio, and I was gonna give it to you then. It was still in my pocket when I woke up in her world. And I…I carried it with me, every day. Everywhere I went. I wanted…I missed you so goddamn much, and I wanted you with me."

In the darkness Olivia's eyes were sparkling with unshed tears.

"You remember that medallion you sent me, after you left?" she asked him, very quietly.

"Yeah." Yeah, he remembered. Remembered getting the box of his things, remembered that Olivia had packed up his desk and shipped all his shit to him instead of driving it to Queens herself because by the time she got around to doing it he'd already given up on her, and she knew it. Remembered hating the thought of it, remembered that he couldn't live with himself if he really left her all alone, remembered sending her back something to remember him by.

"I had it fastened to the butt of my gun. I carried you with me everywhere I went until…until I couldn't, anymore."

What a pair we make. He wanted to kiss her, then, wanted it more than anything. Wanted to touch her, more than just the tender grasp of their hands, wanted her to know how sorry he was, how grateful he was for the chance to be with her once more. They didn't need those talismans anymore, he thought; they didn't have to remember each other any more. They could just be together, now. And that was better.

"Do you still have it?" she asked. "The necklace?"

"No. When…when she died, I put it around her neck. I left it with her."

He'd put the necklace around Olivia's neck, and told her that he loved her, told her he hoped she'd find her way home, and then he'd left her world behind. Was that what did it, he wondered; was finally admitting his love of her aloud, finally letting go of the past the thing that shocked the universe back into order? Was he ever gonna know?

"What was it? I mean, what did it look like?"

"It was a compass. I wanted…I wanted you to have something to help you find your way."

"And instead it brought you home."

"Is that what you think?"

She smiled sadly. "I don't know what to think. Hell, maybe you are crazy. Maybe I'm crazy, too. I'm just glad you're here. I'm just glad you're home."

"I am."

Wasn't that what he'd wanted all along? To come home, to come back to the Liv he knew, to the woman he loved? He'd loved Olivia, too, but wasn't she Liv, still? Would he have loved her if she'd been anyone else? Was there really a difference, or had he only tried to convince himself there was in a desperate bid to temper his guilt?

"Is…is home where you want to be? Or would you rather…would you rather be with her?"

It broke his heart to think she doubted him so much she had to ask.

"I made it work there, you know? We were both just…making it work. Just doing the best we could. Just getting by with what we had. It wasn't bad, but it's not…it's not what I want, Liv. I want this. I want the job, and my kids, and you. I wanna be where I belong, and I belong with you."

"Elliot Stabler, poet laureate," she murmured, reaching up with her free hand to brush the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm serious."

"I know. I'm just…I'm not used to hearing you talk like this."

Maybe it should've felt stranger than it did. Maybe it should've been harder, to be so open with her, when they'd spent the last three years hiding it all away, burying their feelings, trying not to cross the invisible line they'd drawn between them a quarter century before. Maybe it should've felt weird, but it didn't, because he was talking to Liv, and no one knew him like she did, and there was no one he trusted more.

"I love you, Liv. Sometimes it feels like I spent my whole life feeling guilty for that, and I don't wanna hide it anymore. I love you."

Carefully he picked up the bowl of popcorn, set it down on her beside table and then rolled a little closer to her, and she let it happen, didn't shy away. For once she wasn't scared, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe Ohio had done it, maybe the confessions and the kiss they'd shared in that room in the urgent care had helped her turn a corner, or maybe it was this, lying in her bed together, talking quietly, honestly to one another, but whatever it was she was facing him without fear, now.

"Do you feel guilty for that now?"

"A little bit," he admitted.

"Why?"

"Because she's dead. If…if it was real, then Olivia is dead. She was so sad, and so lonely, and she died before she ever really found her way to happiness."

That was the part he couldn't stomach. Christ, she'd been so close. Finally found someone she trusted, someone she could open her heart to, someone she could share her life with, finally found Noah and maybe found the road to making a family for herself, and then she died before she ever got to enjoy any of it.

"Did she, though?" Liv asked.

"What -"

"If it was real," she explained carefully, "you said you were in that world for months, right? But you jumped right back to that day in Ohio. Who's to say she didn't jump back in time, too? Maybe her life started over, too. And if she didn't meet you, she wouldn't have been in that bar, right? So…maybe she's not dead."

He hadn't thought about it like that. He'd been so busy feeling shitty about himself he hadn't considered the possibility that Olivia might be alive. But if he'd jumped back, why wouldn't she? If he remembered everything, then maybe she did, too. If his time in that alternate universe had taught him some lessons, maybe she'd learned something, too. Maybe she was gonna be ok. Maybe they all were.

"We're never gonna know, though." It never sat well with him, not knowing. A case unsolved, a question mark left hanging, it drove him crazy, and this was a riddle without an answer.

"So we decide what's true," Liv said. "We can decide that she's ok. We can decide…we can decide to be happy."

"Ok nowI'm starting to wonder if I'm in another parallel universe," he grumbled. "Olivia Benson, deciding to be happy?"

It wasn't something she'd ever done before; she'd always fought her happiness, tooth and nail. Even with him; maybe especially with him, these last few months. All she'd done was fight, resist the pull of hope and longing that drew them close to one another.

"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, I think that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be happy, Elliot. What are you gonna do?"

What are you gonna do? Life had thrown some curveballs at him, and he had some choices to make. He had to decide whether he was gonna let himself be haunted by his mistakes, or whether he was gonna forgive himself for them. Whether he was gonna live in the past, or move forward into the future. He had to look at Liv, and decide whether he was gonna love her, or whether he was gonna let her slip through his fingers one more time.

It was no choice at all, really. He was gonna choose to live, and he was gonna choose to love her.

"I'm gonna kiss you," he said, and she smiled.

"So do it, then," she said.

And he did. He slipped his arm around her waist, and leaned in close, and kissed her softly, sweetly, and felt the weight of his sorrows and his shame wash slowly away while she kissed him back.

It was all about choices in the end, he figured. The choices he'd made and the ones he'd let other people make for him, the things he didn't do and the things he wished he hadn't done. There were questions he hadn't asked her yet, and answers she hadn't given, but they had time, now, and he was gonna make the best of it. He was gonna hold her, and kiss her, and ask her, and let her tell him in her own time. He was gonna love her, and he wasn't gonna let any more opportunities pass him by. He was gonna live, and he was gonna choose to believe that somewhere, in some other universe, Olivia was living, too. It was a nice thought.