Chapter 22
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken."
- C.S. Lewis –
Uncertainty
I have spent the last two weeks following doctor's orders by eating everything Martin prepares for me, swimming two days a week, and yoga classes with Mary Stafford the other four days. Joan stretches to my DVD with me every afternoon after our walk up and down the street for my required time. I know with this pregnancy I will not have the extra fat to work off as I did with Phillip. I enjoy my time with Melanie, but I notice there are times when her mind wanders off into sadness. It seems when Martin or Phillip is around that she seems distant. Today is my swim day and per usual Martin drives Melanie and me to the Rec Center. After the first ten minutes of swimming, I stop for a breather and watch Melanie continue in the other direction. I realize I have never asked about her first year at university and decide while I rest to engage her. Of course, I need her to take a break for us to talk. Looking at the clock I figure I can swim a couple more laps before the required lifeguard break and settle to wait until then to talk to her. About seven minutes into my next ten-minute swim I hear the whistles and instructions to exit the pool for the next fifteen minutes. Melanie and I usually find a quiet place and she helps me to stretch, as I get into position to do the yoga stretches I ask,
"Melanie, we have been together every weekday for the past two weeks and I haven't heard how your first year at university was."
"Fine, nothing special," she replies.
"What are you studying, maybe I can help over the summer with any subject you had trouble with?"
"I did well in most of the classes, mostly just general study. I haven't decided what I want to study. I don't know if I'm going back in September."
"You were always a good student, is it financial? I could help you find some aid."
"No, it isn't that. I thought maybe I would transfer and study in Truro, I missed Cornwall," she remarks as her eyes wander around the area.
"Yes, studying in London is a big change. Is that the only reason?"
I can see something is bothering her, those big brown eyes have a haunted look to them. "Melanie, if you need to talk, woman to woman, I am here to listen. I won't judge you and no one need to know."
She looks at me for a long time and slowly the tears begin to flow, quietly down her cheeks. I slowly change from my seated side bend pose and place my hands on her shoulders. "Melanie, what happened?"
"I seem to choose the wrong man to get romantically involved with," she starts. "I don't know if you know but when I was fifteen I had a huge crush on Doc Martin. I dislocated my shoulder and he fixed it and the way he was, so caring, I thought I was in love. I baked him a cake and bought a card signing it with xoxo, stupidly suggesting the connection between us because our names started with 'M', so it was meant to be." She wipes the tears from her cheeks with her towel, while she scans the area near us to see who was listening. I even brought my dog to his house so I could talk to him and nobody would think it was odd, you see I had a dog and he had a dog."
"Martin never had a dog." I look at her trying to remember four years ago and I suddenly remember, "You mean Gremlin, but he wasn't Martin's. He just liked hanging around his cottage."
"I didn't know that then. Now don't get mad at me, I thought I loved the Doc, so to prove it to him I snuck into his bedroom window and he found me in his bed. That is when he explained that he didn't feel the same way. I was heartbroken, and somehow my dad found out and he had a long talk with me."
"Melanie, I don't understand what your problem at university was."
"As I said, I don't choose wisely. There was this guy in one of my classes and he asked me to go to a party. We hit it off and we started seeing each other. We went to a party in his flat and he wanted to go to his bedroom for us to…" The tears well up in her eyes again and she looks away from me.
"I understand, he wanted sex; Melanie did he hurt you?"
"No, he didn't but once we did it… he didn't seem to need me hanging around him anymore. He went and found someone else."
"Oh Melanie," I say as I wrap my arms around her, as her tears flood down her cheeks. "Melanie, it is hard growing up, leaving home and the protection from our family and friends. I understand better than you think. I know this is personal, when you had sex did you use protection?"
"No we didn't and you can imagine what happened. That is another reason I don't want to go back. When I told him, he laughed at me and told me I should have been prepared when we did it. It was my responsibility. I never hated anyone so much in my life."
"Melanie, when was this, and have you seen a doctor?"
"I went to the clinic that afternoon, and had it dealt with that was three months ago."
"Have you seen a doctor, a specialist to guarantee the procedure won't cause you any problems in the future when you do find that special man and want to start a family?"
"No, I haven't, I didn't realize… there could be a problem?"
"I will talk to my OB and get a name, and this is between you and me, nobody else needs to know."
Melanie dries her tears and shakes her head, acknowledging, "You won't tell Doc Martin?"
"No, it is not my place to say anything to him. I do have a question, why do you stare at him?"
"You will think this is silly, but I wish he was thirty years younger and I met him in college instead… I watch how he is with you and I think he is the perfect man. He cooks for you, cares for you deeply and he looks so strong when he watches over you. He is perfect."
"Melanie I wish more people in this village thought that way. Come on, let's finish our swim, it looks like the lifeguards are taking their positions."
Louisa and Melanie return to the pool and finish their second set of laps. Louisa's mind working hard to forget the memories Melanie's story brought back from the archives of her mind. Talk about déjà vu, the memory replaying like a broken record, over and over, and knowing what it felt like to be used and thrown away.
ME/LE
It is June twenty-eighth and Phillip wakes at his usual time, but a year older. I remember the day my son was born and am so glad Louisa allowed me to be part of it. Today with his family and a few friends we will celebrate his entrance into our world.
Joan and Louisa planned a small family-style birthday party for Phillip. Since Louisa wasn't driving she ordered the party supplies and Phillip's presents online, she and Melanie wrapped up each gift.
Al and I are talking near the back door just as Joan carried the birthday boy into the room from his afternoon nap. Louisa requested Al set up a small marquee out on the patio for our family gathering. I received a surprise earlier in the day when Joan walked in carrying Phillip's cake and her sister followed her carrying two brightly colored wrapped gifts. Nobody mentioned Ruth would be attending.
"Why wasn't I told you were coming?"
"Joan called me last week updating Louisa's health and invited me, but I wasn't sure I could leave a patient at the time. My patient won his case and here I am to spend time with your family."
"You are part of my family, this is our family and I am happy you are here," I say as I reach down and hug my eldest aunt.
"I have news on the property and person occupying it, but first we will celebrate your son's birthday."
I don't recall a single birthday celebration with my parents as a child, I do recall the conversion we had in London that included the mention of my birthday, but the occasion for the celebration was for a piece of furniture. Louisa planned a quiet celebration for my past birthday, Joan spent the weekend at our house with Phillip and Louisa made reservations at the B&B we stayed at when she was pregnant. She wanted me to experience a weekend where I was appreciated and loved. I blush just remembering what she did to me. Lucky for me, nobody noticed as my cheeks grew warm, but as I looked around I noticed Louisa is looking oddly at me through the window.
She walks into the house and over to me, touches my arm, and whispers, "I hope that was a good memory."
I look down into that innocent face she is portraying towards the others in the room, "Yes it was. A recollection of my birthday presents presented to me by my beautiful wife last November."
However as usual when I am ready to say supplementary acknowledgments for her love for me, we are interrupted with a knock at the front door. My facial expression displays frustration and Louisa smiles and pats my arm, "That should be the Parsons," she says.
"Why would you invite them? I would think they would have better things to do than attend a toddler's birthday," I say a bit befuddled.
"Martin, they are our friends. I mentioned the party to Tracy the other night and she said they would be honored to come. Now go let them in," she says in a perturbed voice. "Really Martin, don't you ever think before…" She doesn't finish her sentence and just walks away from me.
Conversely, I catch the looks between my aunts and know I have offended my wife and friends. I walk down the hall to open the front door to a smiling Tracy, who gives me a peck on my cheek as she enters. Chris is standing on the front porch looking out towards the village and my surgery. "Chris, would you like to enter my home or stand there gaping as the gulls plaster you with their droppings?" I ask.
"Sorry Mart, I was just enjoying the view. I have not been invited to your home before by you, so I am enjoying its location and scenery."
"You will enjoy the back garden more," I sneer.
"Mart, I am not upset with you. It has been a very busy year for you. Tracy mentioned how lovely the house was when she was here a few weeks ago, and I am happy you thought enough of our friendship to invite us to your son's first birthday."
"Chris, you should thank Louisa as I have been remiss to realize you would want to attend my son's birthday. For that I apologize; I am learning the art of socializing and Louisa is very patient with her guidance. Please come in, would you like a drink?"
We stood around watching the action of my son opening his gifts, with some help from his mother; he tore and spread scraps of paper everywhere. Louisa would place each long ribbon over his head, like a necklace as he pulled each from the wrapped gift, and many of the bows were stuck to his clothes and the top of his head as his family giggled at the site. Laughter reined around my son as his excitement became contagious while I stood back wondering why!
His last gift is a very large oddly shaped wrapped package. Louisa points to the area for Phillip to pull to rip the paper away, as the paper is pulled away my son looks at the new object with confusion on his face. I realize he has no idea what it is and walk over to him and lift him onto the miniature horse on wheels. When his derriere lands on the saddle the toy makes a 'whinny' sound which brings giggles to his lips. His reaction brings a smile to my face and everyone around the room laughed with him. He sits on the toy with an expression of wonderment as he tries to figure out what to do. His movements remind me of his desire to crawl, slowly his jerky movements make the wheels move across the floor a bit. Finally, he realizes by pushing his feet he would move and the reaction of his triumphant achievement makes my heart swell with pride.
Aunt Ruth touches my arm with a satisfied smile, "You don't recall your horse, do you?"
I look at her as I try to remember ever sitting upon a toy, "No, I don't."
"Your Uncle Phil found a used one and repaired it and added fresh varnish. Joan repaired the padding of the seat and added horsehair for an actual tail and mane. I remember you and your nanny spending hours on it in the nursery."
I felt an odd feeling inside of me as I watched Phillip ride the horse, a gift that would bring his namesake back into our family as I could tell stories to my son about my times on the farm with his Uncle.
I actually enjoyed the rest of the day with my family and friends. Chris and I were able to sneak into my study and talk medicine.
"I noticed Louisa is healing, but how is she doing with the increased pressure on her pelvis with the growing fetuses?"
"We see both consultants next week."
"You watch her like a hawk – how do you feel she is doing?"
I give Chris a look, "I didn't realize anyone would notice."
Chris laughed, "Mart, everyone would need to be blind to not notice. I have never seen you this happy, well except on your wedding day."
Grumbling at the comment, "As a doctor, everything is fine, but as her husband – I worry for her and the twins. Next week we are at the critical point of twenty weeks. Louisa is doing everything her consultants asked her to do. I just need to get her through the next seventeen weeks and I can relax a bit."
Chris looks more closely at me – "How are you doing?"
I think about his question for a moment, "I am adequate – the new locum is working out well. He requested Chris to find someone to take over the after-hours emergencies and hold the Saturday half-day surgery which enables him to spend more time with Louisa and extra time with Phillip."
Our conversation is interrupted with a knock at the door with Joan announcing the meal is ready. I am surprised with our meal. I was told that Joan and Al would take care of it. Since it was for Phillip, the food choices were 'finger foods'. I looked over the choices and was pleasantly surprised not a single fried item. The platters were filled with fresh fruit and vegetables cut up, with some cooked. Along with grilled chicken breast strips, Al grilled fish fillets for me, everything cooked to perfection. My biggest surprise came when Phillip's birthday cake was placed on the table, it had a graham cracker base, stacked high with summer berries drizzled with honey with a dollop of yoghurt on top to hold his candle.
As we ended our afternoon with family and friends, I could see Phillip was getting tired and I hadn't had any quiet time with him, I suddenly felt the need for it. Today was an emotional roller coaster for me. The love my son received, the conversation with Chris, and my feelings on Louisa's health. I just needed time with my son.
"Louisa, I believe Phillip is tired and in need of a bath, I will take him up and get him ready for bed. I'll bring him down to say good night to everyone before they leave," I whisper in near her ear.
She can see that Phillip is indeed cranky but the look in my eyes showed I could use some downtime too.
"Martin that is a good idea to bath him before he falls asleep and you know he loves bath time with you. I couldn't get all the honey out of his hair. Joan and Ruth can help me gather his things. We will see you when you are finished upstairs."
I take Phillip upstairs and decide on a shower together so I have closer contact with him. We go through our routine and finally, he and I have the warm water cascading over our heads.
"Dada, Illip wuvs u," he says he pulls his arms tighter around my neck.
"I love you, Phillip."
I apply the baby soap to the flannel and wash Phillip from top to bottom, enjoying my alone time. When I feel calm and Phillip is clean we finish with warm towels and dress quickly. I decide on slacks and a dress shirt without my jacket and tie knowing it will make Louisa happy. I carry him downstairs and meet everyone under the marquee for Phillip to receive his hugs and kisses. As I hold him and look around at this gathering, I continue to feel calm knowing that everyone I care for is here with me. Louisa works her way over and slides her arm around my waist as she tickles Phillip under his chin.
"Martin, my two men smell so good and I love how your shirt feels against my skin. Thank you for dressing down for me. I believe when everyone is gone I want to snuggle on the sofa with you," she says in a cheeky way.
I glance down then quickly look around to see if anyone notices the infliction in her voice. Her grazing touch of her hand over my chest is making me warm and I want everyone to leave right now so I can be alone with her.
Tracy nudges Chris and announces, "It's a long drive home, come husband finish your wine, and let's get out of Martin's hair."
As usual, Chris has no idea why they need to leave this minute and starts to speak when he receives a sharp elbow into his side. His wife now whispers in his ear as she removes the mostly empty wine glass from his hand.
"Oh, you're right, it is getting late. Martin, Louisa it was fun celebrating this little man's birthday but Tracy is right it is a long drive."
I nod and turn to Tracy to give her a goodbye nod, instead, she reaches up and hugs Phillip and I then place kisses on each of our cheeks. Tracy places her arm through her husband's arm and tries to steer him into the house. Chris leans towards me,
"Martin, thank you again for the invitation and call me after Louisa's appointments to let me know how everything is progressing."
He turns and says his good-byes to Ruth and Joan before going into the house with his wife.
"Martin, Joan, Al, and I are going to take our leave and allow you some quiet time with your wife," she says with a smirk. "I will talk to you tomorrow at the farm. Joan said your family comes out on most Sundays. I have plenty to tell you. "Ruth turns and takes Al's arm, "Help an old lady to the car young man."
Al nods my way and mumbles, "See you tomorrow for dinner, Doc," as my older aunt pulls him into the house.
I look at Phillip and realize he is sound asleep on my shoulder. I look around and see everything is in the house and the garden is peaceful and quiet once again. I turn into the house and find Joan putting the last of the leftovers in the fridge.
"Oh look at the tired boy," she says and then kisses his cheek and squeezes my arm, "We will see you tomorrow." She hurries through the kitchen to the hall and joins her sister at the front door.
Louisa is getting her last hug and is closing the door as I walk up to her. "Let me put him in his cot and I will join you on the patio for our time," I say with that look she loves.
"Yes, do you want a drink while I am getting mine?"
"Yes, please," I say as I take the stairs slowly to not wake my son. I need my time now with his mother.
Louisa and I spent the rest of the evening in our chairs on the patio. Holding her hand and gently massaging her palm, this calming movement eases my mind. I am lost in my thoughts as my eyes dance between the two beautiful views. As twilight settles over the water, the feel of Louisa changing her hold on my hand pulls me from my thoughts. She is slowly standing and to join me on my lap to cuddle.
"How is your back after this long day," I ask.
"Not bad, but I was thinking maybe a sensual massage might be a good idea."
I can see the glint of mischief on her face.
"I can indeed provide you one, but that is all for now. We see Doctor Rawle mid-week and see how our babies are doing," I say as the palm of my hand slides across her ever-growing bump. I help her out of my lap and together we head upstairs for a night of touching.
ME/LE
The following morning, I woke to the sensation of being watched. My mind slowly eases out of the haze of sleep but I remain still with my eyes closed. I can feel the light touch of fingers running through the hair on my chest causing overwhelming passion to flood me. Nobody ever touched me like this. I slowly open one eye, catching sight of Louisa propped up on her elbow, intensely staring at her fingers gently grazing my chest, looking more closely, I see her emerald-green eyes concentrating, the smattering of freckles across her nose, and her lower lip pinched between her teeth, and her mind deep in thought. The smile in my eyes as I open both displays the love for this woman and how much she has changed my life.
"Good morning, Louisa," I whisper trying not to startle her.
"Good morning, Martin," finishes her reply just as her lips press against mine, making my heart swell.
I reach to encase my arms around her when the sound of our son's voice calls out. Our quiet pleasurable moment is interrupted. With a growl, I say,
"Stay put, I will get him."
Once I get Phillip dressed, I take him downstairs to start breakfast. Louisa soon joins us and we start our day. After breakfast, Louisa and Phillip go to the lounge as I clean up the kitchen.
Louisa's voice carries down the hall as I get closer to the lounge, she is reading,
"A bear is a bear except when he's not…"
I stand in the hall listening, letting my mind wonder if my life would if…
"What would he be if a bear forgot?" Louisa's soft voice asks. "Why a bird, of course!..."
How lucky my son is to have a mom that loves him…
"Perched in a nest, wondering why he outgrew all the rest.
Wondering why he cannot fly,
Wondering why, with a heavy sigh,
If I'm not a bird, then what am I?"
I walk closer to the doorway and continue to listen.
"Phillip, does the bear belong in the tree in a nest?" Louisa asks.
"No," the small inquisitive voice announces.
I finally come to a stop in the doorway of the lounge, a smile on my face as Louisa reads more to Phillip. Phillip points to the open page of the book, answering his mother with "No" and shakes his head. The exchange of each animal named by Louisa and the resounding "No" from Phillip was fascinating.
Louisa looks up to see me standing, waving her hand to come to sit next to them. I move quickly, so I don't interrupt them and sit down. Phillip takes my finger, of my hand in his, and uses it as a pointer on each pictured animal repeating out loud "No" to each.
I laugh as my son starts to tell me that the bear is a bear when we are interrupted by the buzz of my mobile.
ME/LE
Dinner at the farm had ended when Al announces he is off to meet up with Morweena at the village pub. He quickly excuses himself. Joan and Ruth are busy clearing the table,
"Martin, Louisa why don't you take Phillip for a short walk while we clean up the dishes. We'll meet you at the gazebo with the tea tray and we can talk," Joan says.
I clean Phillip's face and hands with a wet flannel and lift him into my arms. Louisa grabs her cushion and out the door, we head for a bit of fresh air and exercise for Phillip. We stop at the gazebo to drop off the cushion and work our way across the open field. I set Phillip down and let him walk in the tall grass. Something catches his attention, stopping him in his tracks. In a half-bent poise, he points to the flower with a few red spots on it. Immediately decides it looks good enough to eat he starts pulling it towards his mouth.
"No, Phillip, stop," I firmly say in a stern voice.
He stops to look at me with tears welling and before his tears can roll down his cheeks, Louisa is soothing him and getting down on his level.
"Phillip, it's alright but you don't want to eat that pretty flower," her smooth mommy coos. "Look, Phillip, see the ladybirds?"*
The tears never come as Phillip excitingly points to the flower with the red bugs, "Ladibirrs".
"That's right ladybirds," I say as I squat close behind them. "But you don't want to eat them. They taste awful. Gran will be upset because they eat the bad insects in the garden."
"Uhful," he says as he sticks his tongue out as he does when he doesn't like certain foods.
Upon hearing a gull, Phillip is again running in the grass looking to catch the bird. Louisa is walking slowly behind us as I lengthen my strides to stay with my son. A quarter of an hour later Phillip is slowing down getting tired from all the exertion. He stops looking back at his mother and slowly walks to her with his arms raised, calling out "Lillip up".
I scoop him up from behind, walking towards Louisa. I notice she looks tired. "Let's head back and see if my aunts have made tea."
Ruth and Joan are sitting at the table waiting on us when we return. Joan pours a fresh cup for me while Ruth pours a cup for Louisa from a different pot. "I understand my nephew bought you special tea and I thought I would have a cup of the ginger tea with you," Ruth says with her usual smirk.
"Thank you," Louisa replies.
I sit with Phillip in my lap and Joan hands him his bottle to drink while we sip our tea. Phillip is sound asleep before he finishes half of it. Little conversations around the table continue for a few minutes until I can see Louisa seems to be very uncomfortable.
"Louisa, what is wrong?"
"My back is throbbing and I'm very tired."
Ruth and Joan have worried looks on their faces. "Marty, give me Phillip. Help Louisa."
Ruth has Louisa's wrist counting her pulse as I move to place my hand over her abdomen. Splaying my hands across as I feel for any signs of labor. The fetuses are moving as usual with no outward signs of distress.
"Her pulse is regular, no sign of stress."
"Louisa, does it feel like labor or the pain from the injury?"
"Doesn't feel like labor but I am so tired. I could curl up and sleep right here."
I feel anxious, my training was forgotten, this is Louisa. Finally, with the look from Ruth, my mind clears and I know what needs to be done. "Joan, you and Ruth follow us to my surgery. I want to connect Louisa to a fetal heart monitor and listen to the babies."
"Marty, pick up Louisa and I'll get Phillip strapped in the car. Ruth, grab my truck key from the hook in the kitchen."
We are moving as quickly as possible without jarring either one. When they are both strapped in I pull out onto the road back to Portween with Joan's vehicle close behind me.
As I speed down the road, I call Doctor Rawle's number and get his service. I leave a message for him to call me ASAP. We pull into my spot next to the surgery and I rush to unbuckle Louisa and lift her into my arms, rushing her into my office. Laying her on the exam couch, I pull out the monitor and start hooking the straps around her abdomen. Just as I turn to grab my stethoscope my mobile buzzes.
End of Chapter
The book 'A Bear is a Bear (except when he's not)' is written by Karl Newson.