"I'm sorry, Minato-sensei. I screwed up."
The smooth surface of the memorial stone reflects the early sunlight, forcing Kakashi to squint lightly to be able to make out the names carved into it. Not that he really needs to be able to see them in order to know where they are. He has spent enough hours before the memorial to know exactly where the names are.
The only answer to his words is birdsong and the chirping of crickets.
Kakashi stares blindly at the names of his teammates, unable to avoid the thought that any one of them would be more qualified to be a sensei than him. Minato-sensei is a given, of course, but Rin with her kind heart and attentive eyes never would have missed the fact that a student of hers had lost their parent, much less their whole clan. And Obito might have been less attentive than Rin but would have been so up into his students' businesses - and comfortable with it - that he would have noticed anyway. Hell, Obito probably would have found a way to accidentally be there when Sakura received the news.
Neither of them would have been out of the village and thereby left their student to the mercy of relatives that nearly let them die of thirst.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, no longer sure if he means to address the names on the stone or the student who is probably waiting for him along with her teammates. Kakashi can't bring himself to face them just yet. Not knowing what he now knows.
The sun continues to rise. The birds continue their song, the crickets their chirping.
"I don't know what to do."
The admission is difficult, his throat thick around it and his stomach heavy with it. He feels vaguely as if he's going to be sick.
Still there is no answer. No sign from the beyond, guiding him. And really, it's quite unfair to burden the dead with the problems of the living, isn't it. He should come here and share something good with them sometime. But how can he do that when the world is so much emptier without them in it, when he's so lost without them?
"I'll fix it," Kakashi promises at last. "Somehow."
Although he has no idea how.
Probably best to start by not making his students wait the whole day.
Yeah, he can do that.
He'll just stay here another couple of minutes, then he'll go face the living.
Just a bit longer.
"This is the worst mission ever," Naruto grumbles.
Sasuke-kun makes a wordless sound of agreement.
Sakura can't bring herself to disagree. She'd rather spend the day chasing Tora again than watching the nine grandchildren of Councilman Mitokado. Not that she can bring herself to say so out loud. That would just be … rude.
As if on cue one of the three year old twins starts wailing, accusing the other of some unfairness, which of course triggers the other twin to start wailing as well, which triggers the toddler in her arm which she has just managed to get to fall asleep.
"No," Sasuke-kun groans in a voice that makes her think he would much rather say something much more rude.
"Ah, heyhey, don't go crying again!" Naruto hastens to try to reason with the children.
It doesn't work, of course.
"Shut up already!" shouts the five year old who's due to start the Academy next spring.
"Stop shouting already!" the four year old twins shout in unison.
Kakashi-sensei is nowhere to be seen, of course. He'd shown up to inform them of their mission and show them to the right house, but mysteriously disappeared the moment they were attacked by the children.
"I'm bo-ored!" whines the six year old, home sick from the Academy due to a light fever. "Can't we do something fun already?"
"I wanna play hide 'n seek!" another child declares, and Sakura is quickly losing track of who is whom.
"I wanna go to the park!"
"Play on the swings!"
"The jungle gym!"
"I wanna play ninja!"
She closes her eyes, trying to gather her thoughts and ignore the continued wailing as she continues to rock the baby in her arms gently. She can do this. This isn't her first time babysitting, after all. Although Sakura has always been closest to Kiku she does have younger cousins as well. And while aunt Kasumi usually leaves the smaller children for the maids to deal with, she has babysat them on occasion. With Kiku. Who has always been much better than her at dealing with the little terrors, but still.
Taking a deep breath she opens her eyes, assessing the situation. They're in the Mitokado's nursery, a room littered with toys and bunk beds and bored children. A clock on the wall tells her it's almost lunchtime, meaning that they're probably hungry as well as bored. She winces at the realization.
"How about Sasuke-kun and I take them outside and Naruto gets started on lunch?" she suggests, looking hopefully at her teammates.
She winces almost as soon as the words leave her mouth, because she can't imagine that Naruto in a kitchen is any good.
"Hey, I've got a better idea!" Naruto declares. "How 'bout you and I bring the kiddos outside and Sasuke gets started on lunch?"
"I'm not a housewife!" Sasuke replies immediately, his voice sharp. "I'm not cooking."
"Well, neither am I!"
They glare at each other for a moment then turn, in frightening unison, to her.
"You cook," Sasuke-kun orders.
"Yeah, I bet you're great at that, Sakura-chan!"
And with that they start to herd the bigger children outside, leaving Sakura with the one year old toddler in her arms and the newborn somehow still sleeping in its crib.
"H-hey, wait!" she tries to object. "I can't really-"
But with the promise of playing outside the children are moving quickly and Naruto and Sasuke-kun are already gone, leaving her to object to the uncaring ears of the babies.
"I can't really cook," she tells the toddler.
With it now being quieter around them he has once again calmed down, finally falling back asleep. Sakura remains in the nursery, rocking the little boy a bit longer before returning him to his crib bed as gently as she possibly can. She holds her breath for a moment, terrified that he will wake up, but luckily he does not.
She breathes a sigh of relief.
Glancing around the room she makes a mental note that they'll have to clean it before the parents return home, but for now she'll have to focus on lunch. Quickly she checks on the baby, making sure that she's still sleeping soundly, then leaves the door ajar as she makes her way to the nearby kitchen.
Luckily the kitchen is well stocked, as far as foods go. Sakura ignores the little wave of envy washing over her and starts to plan for what she'll make. Rice, of course. She sets the rice cooker going, then returns to the pantry and refrigerator. Miso soup shouldn't be too difficult to manage either, she decides, and reaches for the vegetables and miso paste. There are little sausages that she can cut up into little octopus sausages and fry, so that's a given, simple choice.
So that's rice, soup and meat. She should make something with eggs as well, and ideally another vegetable dish. Tamagoyaki, she decides, suddenly longing for her mother's. For a moment she tears up, realising that she never will have the pleasure of eating her mother's tamagoyaki again, then she pushes the sorrow down.
She spreads the ingredients out and starts chopping the vegetables for the miso soup. The chopping knife almost feels strange in her hands but she quickly gets used to it. Once the water starts boiling she adds the vegetables and the miso paste, then gets started on cutting the sausages into little octopi. When they are done she sets out two frying pans, dumping the octopi into the larger one and then mixing the eggs for tamagoyaki for the smaller one, just as she remembers her mother doing. The oil hisses as she pours the eggs into the pan.
She smiles proudly to herself. She's doing it! She can cook after all!
Of course that is when the wailing starts in the nursery. First one, then the other one joins in.
With a sigh she pulls the tamagoyaki aside and rushes to comfort the children.
Both of them are crying, the toddler standing up in his crib bed and the baby half buried beneath a stuffed toy that Sakura distinctly recalls being in the toddler's bed earlier.
Luckily the baby seems unharmed, if unhappy with the stuffed toy visitor. Sakura picks the little girl up and returns the stuffed toy to its owner. The toddler reaches his arms up, wanting to be picked up as well, but Sakura just hugs him closer to her through the walls of the crib bed.
"There, there," she says, trying to make her voice as gentle and comforting as she can. "No need to cry, I'm here."
Neither child reacts much to her words, the toddler clawing at her to be picked up.
Where are Naruto and Sasuke-kun when you need them? Or Kakashi-sensei for that matter? Desperately she casts her eyes around the room, looking for inspiration, and her eyes fall upon a picture of a cherry blossom tree.
"Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms," she begins to sing, her voice weak and unsteady but the words of one of her favorite childhood nursery songs familiar. "Blanketing the countryside-"
She continues to rock the baby in one arm, holding her away from her clawing brother, awkwardly patting the toddler on his head. Slowly the younger of the two calms down again, the older one following suit and eventually just clinging to her.
"Flowers in full bloom," she continues, kneeling low to allow the now calmer toddler to climb into her arms as well. "Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms."
The two of them are surprisingly heavy and with a grunt she sinks down to the floor, deciding that she'd rather sit on the floor than try to walk somewhere with both of them in her arms.
"Come now, come, let's look, at last!" she finishes the song.
Neither child is asleep but the older one is clinging tightly to her and the younger one watching her with bright, curious eyes. Sakura smiles down at them.
This isn't so bad, she decides. Nine children is definitely too many, but one or two isn't so bad. If it were only these two she might even enjoy babysitting.
"Sakura-chan!"
Naruto's shout startles her out of her reverie and she looks up, about to berate Naruto for startling her like that but then her gaze falls on the smoke slowly entering the nursery from the hallway.
"The food!" she yelps, quickly putting the children away and rushing to deal with it.
Kakashi surveys the scorched remains of the Mitokado's kitchen and sighs, already feeling a lecture or two coming his way from the Hokage and the elders. The headache is building already.
"Tell me again how this happened," he orders quietly.
Behind him his students shuffle nervously, neither one of them wanting to speak up. They're alone, the Mitokado family having already been evacuated to the most luxurious hotel in Konoha - on the village's expense, of course.
"It was an accident," Sakura finally says. "I didn't mean to-"
Her voice breaks off and Naruto picks up the thread.
"Yeah, it was an accident! We totally didn't mean it or anything!"
Kakashi sighs, adding the need to teach Naruto how to properly explain accidents to his mental to do list.
"Idiot," Sasuke mutters. "You make it sound like we did it on purpose!"
"You're the idiot, bastard! I just said that we didn't mean it, didn't I?! Besides, it's not our fault -"
"It was my fault," Sakura interjects, and Kakashi can hear the way she's bracing herself for the scorn to come. "I left to deal with the two youngest ones, and I removed the tamagoyaki from the heat but I forgot about the sausages."
At least she's being honest, he thinks.
Which abruptly reminds him of why she hasn't been honest with him lately, and why he left the three of them alone while he went to check out the Haruno clan. Which of course means that while he very much wants to blame the three of them for this mess - and especially Sakura, given her admission of irresponsibility - he really can't. Ultimately the responsibility is his, since they're his students, and he left them alone for something that ultimately didn't tell him anything he didn't already know.
"I-it's not really Sakura-chan's fault!" Naruto insists. "We kind of forced her to do the cooking, and then we just took the older kids outside, and-and … right, Sasuke?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. I accept full responsibility."
Sakura's apology makes Naruto quiet down and even though his back is turned Kakashi can almost see the way the boys inch closer to her in quiet support.
He takes a deep breath, the smell of the smoke stinging in his nose, then slowly breathes out. As far as screw ups go, this particular one isn't even close to being his worst.
"Don't worry about it. Accidents happen on missions. As long as nobody dies, it's not a disaster."
At least this answers one of Kakashi's questions; the reason Sakura's bento boxes always contain fish that looks like it has been grilled over a fire, simple greens and sometimes rice is because she obviously can't cook to save her life. Laughter bubbles up in his throat at the realisation that her diet is nothing but bad cooking skills.
Well, at least he can do something about that.
A couple of days after the disastrous babysitting mission Sakura finally gets another paycheck - thankfully not deducted the cost of the Mitokado's new kitchen or their hotel stay. She can hardly believe her luck. Such a monumental screw up on her part, and nothing but a mild admonishment from Kakashi-sensei.
As long as nobody dies, it's not a disaster.
The mere memory of the words are enough to make her wince. She really could have killed someone. And not just anyone, but the family of Councilman Mitokado! Such an important person to Konoha, the former teammate of the third Hokage, and she almost killed his grandchildren! And instead of taking her headband, like she'd half expected, Kakashi-sensei just delivers that very brief scolding.
Why he isn't throwing her off the team is beyond her, but obsessing over it will most certainly result in frayed nerves. So Sakura focuses instead on the positives, like her paycheck and what she can now buy.
Her purple and yellow dress is about ready to fall apart despite her careful mending, and the blue shirt isn't faring much better. On top of that the rainy season is approaching. She invests in a proper waterproof jacket and some decent boots. Then she heads for the sales racks of another clothing store, one further into the shinobi district this time. There she finds a qipao-dress that reminds her of her old dresses, except this one is blue instead of red and, for obvious reasons, lacking the Haruno Clan symbol.
"A new outfit, Sakura-chan?" Kakashi-sensei comments the next day when she wears it. "And it matches Sasuke-kun's too! How cute!"
Her cheeks burn with shame and humiliation and she ducks her head at the backhanded compliment. She doesn't dare to look at Sasuke-kun, but from the corner of her eye she can tell that he's blushing too.
Kakashi-sensei must think she's vain for changing her outfit so often. How is she supposed to tell him that she's used to having clothing supplied to her by her clan, to even partake in making it herself? That she doesn't know where to find fabrics like that outside of the Haruno Compound, nor the same quality of clothes? Even as a genin, shinobi life is hard on her clothes, and finding good ones is a veritable jungle.
Is he regretting keeping her on the team?
Is he just holding the axe over her head to prolong her suffering?
Trying her best to forget the whole humiliation she instead focuses on other things.
She stocks up on rice and adds liberally of eggs and cooking oil and a multitude of fresh vegetables that do not grow in the forest to her shopping cart. And chocolate! She buys herself two large bars that ought to last her for weeks and then promptly eats one of them the very same evening. She doesn't regret it. Not at all, even with the stomach ache it gets her.
The only reason she doesn't stock up on meats and milk is because they need to be stored cold, which is not a feature her storage scroll offers. Still, she makes a point of buying smaller packages of yoghurt and milk or meats other than fish whenever she can.
Kakashi-sensei gives her an approving nod at the sight of her bento box.
"Good to see you're expanding the repertoire of vegetables, Sakura-chan. A lot of them can really be cooked with the rice if you just add some extra water, so it's not really difficult."
She tries not to stare but tries the advice in private that evening. It works too.
"You know what would work well with that fish?" Kakashi-sensei comments the next day. "Tartar sauce. It's really easy to make too. Just mayonnaise, egg yolk and chives mixed together."
"Okay?" she says, unable to really come up with any reply to this odd behaviour of his.
"I like mine with chopped pickles as well."
He smiles, that strange smile of his that's only really discernible from any other expression of his due to the way it makes his one visible eye crinkle at the corners.
That afternoon she returns to the convenience store to buy some mayonnaise and a jar of pickles, finding that it is indeed as easy to make as Kakashi-sensei suggested. He nods approvingly at her the next day.
Encouraged by this she continues her experimentation, even buying a frying pan and a mixing bowl to complement her lone pot and the sticks she has been using to fry her fish. Almost daily Kakashi-sensei offers advice on dishes to complement her bento box or spices to use or cooking techniques to make her ingredients taste better. Sakura ignores how quickly her money is running out and buys whatever he suggests, something in her stomach feeling almost warm every time he gives her that approving smile.
She even tries to make tamagoyaki again, and although it doesn't really end up looking like one, or tasting anything like her mother's for that matter, Kakashi-sensei actually gives her an approving pat on the head when he sees it.
It is those smiles, more than anything else, that finally gives her the courage to approach him one afternoon.
"Kakashi-sensei?" she says, approaching him one afternoon as he's about to dismiss them.
Kakashi does not show his surprise but simply hums to show that he's listening, only vaguely focused on the book in his hands.
"I was wondering if I might talk to you? Alone?"
The boys take the hint and leave, Sasuke dragging an obviously curious Naruto with him. Kakashi gives Sasuke an approving nod before pocketing his book, giving Sakura his whole attention. She's been improving lately; not so much physically yet as in regards to what she eats, but with better food improved physical stamina will follow.
Since she clearly hasn't told the boys about anything but her mother's death, and since she has clearly been unwilling to tell him even that much, Kakashi has kept his distance and tried to offer positive reinforcement and little advice wherever he can. And it's been working! Her bento boxes are still simple, but a far cry from mere greens and fish. There's condiments and simple side dishes and even different meats. Granted, it's obvious that she's not a very good cook. Her tamagoyaki today is probably an insult to tamagoyaki everywhere, but it's a step in the right direction and Kakashi will encourage it as best as he can.
"What can I help you with, Sakura-chan?"
She visibly hesitates. Kakashi doesn't press her, happy that she's approaching him at all. Ideally he would have liked for her to do so sooner, but he'll admit that it's mostly his fault that she hasn't.
"I want to apologise, Kakashi-sensei," she says, taking him by surprise as she dips into a deep bow. "I know I haven't … always been the best student, but I want you to know that I'm really trying to change that."
Kakashi blinks, unsure of what to say to that.
"I know we got off to somewhat of a bad start. Because of my mom's illness and everything, I was sort of distracted and wasn't applying myself properly. I'm sorry about that."
Well, this is embarrassing. Her being all polite and mature, reminding him of his own failure to realise her predicament. Grateful for his mask, which hides the light burning in his cheeks, Kakashi clears his throat and awkwardly accepts her olive branch.
Now for the really difficult part.
"Mah, I accept your apology, Sakura-chan," he says, putting away the book and pushing his hands into his pockets. He can't quite meet her gaze but focuses his own somewhere between her eyebrows, which is just about the same as eye contact. "I know you've been distracted, and it's understandable given your circumstances. I'm sorry too."
She starts to smile but it freezes halfway, her eyes widening.
Awkward silence hangs in between them for a few moments but she does not say anything in regards to accepting his apology.
Right, he thinks. She probably wants more than just a sorry.
"Those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash," he cites, recalling that first test with team 7. It seems like such a long time ago now, even though it has only been a few months. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, and I'm sorry I didn't realise how bad your situation was when we returned from Waves."
"My situation?"
Her voice is tense as she speaks, a strange hollowness to it. Perhaps he shouldn't have mentioned her situation like that, but rather allowed her to tell him herself. She hasn't actually told him yet. It must be embarrassing for her to realise, perhaps suspecting that he's been gossipping about her.
"Kichiro spoke to me," he clarifies, trying to reassure her that the whole village isn't gossipping about her. "He told me everything. I'm sorry he didn't get to me sooner, or I wouldn't have been so hard on you about the tree climbing exercise."
Even though her circumstances don't really excuse her lying. It makes her actions more understandable though; clanless and mourning it was a bid for attention. A bid that had backfired on her, and Kakashi is willing to move past that and start over. She did something stupid, he overreacted, they're both obviously regretful. That's it, as far as he's concerned.
"Commander Hatake? He told you … everything?"
Kakashi winces behind his mask but forces himself not to look away. This is a conversation he can't really afford to try to get out of. It needs to happen, for there to be any kind of trust between them in the future.
"Yes. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help. I'm happy he got to you in time, though."
She takes a deep breath, opening her mouth as if to speak but ultimately closing it again when no words come forth.
"Don't hesitate to ask if there's anything you need help with," Kakashi encourages her. "Teammates need to be able to be honest with each other."
She averts her gaze, shoulders hunching. Undoubtedly her own lies weigh heavily upon her.
"What happens now?"
Her voice is so small that he barely hears it and she still doesn't meet his gaze.
"How about we start over?"
There. Kakashi has accepted her olive branch and offered a fresh start, with a clean sheet between them. Now it's up to her if she wants to accept it.
"I-I'd like that, Kakashi-sensei."
"Then we're good."
Kakashi smiles, tilting his head. She meets his gaze. There's tears in the corners of her eyes but she smiles too.
"Then we're good," she repeats, her voice trembling a little bit. "What-what should I do now?"
Kakashi ponders the question for a moment before answering.
"It's probably good if you talk to Naruto and Sasuke as well. You haven't told them the whole truth of your situation, have you?"
She shakes her head.
"Then there you go. Oh, and keep practicing your cooking. You'll get better, alright?"
She nods and leaves.
Mentally Kakashi gives himself a pat on the head. He ventured out of his comfort zone and apologised, but at least now there's no more misunderstandings in between them.
That night Sakura unravels the torn dresses wrapped protectively around her mother's urn, gently placing the urn next to her bedroll.
"He knows," she tells the urn. "He knows, and he … he doesn't care."
She wraps her arms around her folded legs, resting her head against the knees as the tears escape her.
Kakashi-sensei knows that she's clanless and homeless and a terrible cook - and the only thing he cares about is her cooking and telling the boys.
She can't.
She just can't.
They'll look at her and they'll know and they'll … She can't stand the thought of Sasuke-kun knowing.
She can't tell them.
She won't.
Even if it'll make Kakashi-sensei hate her.
Evidently he already does.
Her sleep that night is terrible.
It has been just under two months since Sakura left the Haruno compound with Commander Hatake. In those two months absolutely nothing about the Haruno compound has changed. The gates are still wide open, welcoming visits to the many shops. Aunt Kasumi's kimono shop is the largest of them all, resting like a jewel among the smaller shops, the windows displaying valuable fabrics and aunt Kasumi's excellent sewing skills.
Sakura hesitates just by the gates, unable to make herself take the last step that will bring her through the gate and into the compound proper. Back into the place that has been her home for twelve years and which still gives her a feeling of home and safety, despite everything.
The Haruno compound is just as she remembers it, down to the chemical smells from the dyes used to color the fabrics. It's Sakura who has changed. Who has become a traitor to this place, who has had the whole world turned over on her over and over again until she can no longer tell up from down.
It has only been two months but it feels like eons.
- there's a specific clause that denies money from the Orphan's Fund to those who simply choose to leave their clan-
Go. Don't come back unless-
As long as nobody dies, it's not a disaster.
A new outfit, Sakura-chan? And it matches Sasuke-kun's too! How cute!
Your choice. If that's all that your teammates' lives are worth to you.
Those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash.
Kichiro spoke to me. He told me everything.
Teammates need to be able to be honest with each other.
Oh, and keep practicing your cooking. You'll get better, alright?
Shinobi die. Life as a shinobi is hard, ugly and beyond all thankless. It will be much easier for you to bring honour to your family through a suitable marriage than -
Sakura is tired.
So very, very tired and sad and lonely.
She wants her mother. She wants her mother to hug her and reassure her that everything will be alright but her mother is dead and will never do that again. She wants-
She wants her family back.
- stay here until you're delirious with thirst and hunger and then-
Such a disappointment. Just like your father: heedless of the clan in favour of your own, personal little dreams-
She wants to go home.
Swallowing down on the heavy lump of emotion in her throat she lowers her gaze, studying her feet. Just one more step. One more step and she'll be back home. There is no need for her to continue struggling anymore. Clearly she doesn't have what it takes to be a shinobi. Clearly disobeying Grandmother and aunt Kasumi was a mistake.
"Sakura? What are you-"
At the familiar voice she looks up, spotting cousin Kiku looking worriedly around them before she steps forward, grabs Sakura by the arm and drags her across the street and into the alley opposite of the gates.
"What are you doing here, Sakura?"
The voice isn't angry but hard regardless and on top of everything else Sakura really just can't take that right now. Against her will she feels her eyes burning and she averts her gaze.
"I'm sorry-"
"What's wrong, Sakura? You're crying!"
Before she knows it she finds herself engulfed in a hug, her face resting against Kiku's slim shoulder and just like that the dam breaks. A sob escapes her and then she's suddenly clinging to Kiku.
She's vaguely aware that Kiku pulls them further into the alley, patting her comfortingly and probably saying some really comforting stuff that Sakura can't really make out through her own sobs.
"I want to come home," she manages to say through the tears.
"Home?"
Slightly calmer but still sniffling, she nods against Kiku's shoulder.
"Home-home?"
Pulling away slightly she looks at Kiku, meeting her gaze and almost starting to sob again.
"Being a shinobi is horrible," she admits. "I hate it. I want to come home."
Emotions flicker through Kiku's eyes then, too quickly for Sakura to interpret them all. Joy and hope, but also a sadness that finally settles into a hesitant expression.
"Is it really that bad? You seemed so certain of what you wanted."
Sakura shakes her head. She was wrong. Being a shinobi has made her homeless and unable to trust anything or anyone.
"Sakura? What has happened?"
Kiku touches her face, gently drying her tears.
"You weren't this upset before. Tell me, please?"
There's a pressure over her chest, all of the things that have gone wrong in the last months just wanting to explode out of her all at once. She takes a couple of shallow breaths, unable to manage more at the moment.
"I'm the worst ninja ever. I set someone's kitchen on fire! My sensei hates me."
"You set someone's kitchen on fire?"
Kiku blinks at her, looking stupefied for a moment, and then her lips split into a startled laugh.
"It's not funny!" Sakura defends herself. "It cost a lot of money to repair, and-"
"I'm sorry, Sakura! It's just - who was stupid enough to leave you alone in a kitchen?"
"Hey! My teammates aren't stupid!"
At least not Sasuke-kun, she mentally mends. Though Naruto isn't so bad either, truth to be told. He's not exactly the sharpest kunai, but then neither is Sakura when it comes to shinobi skills.
"You burn toast, Sakura!" Kiku laughs, smiling at her.
"I do not!"
"You do too."
"Well, only because that stupid toaster is faulty."
"Mhm. And is that why it only burns your toast?"
Sakura makes a displeased noise and buries her head against Kiku's shoulder again. Ok, so she burns toast! So what?
"What's this about your sensei then?" Kiku asks a few moments later, running her fingers through Sakura's tangled hair.
And abruptly she realises that she does not want to talk about that. Like, at all. So she just shakes her head against Kiku's shoulder.
"Is it that bad?"
This time she nods her head firmly.
Kiku sighs and hugs her closer.
"I've missed you, Sakura. Gods, I've missed you!"
"Missed you too!" Sakura admits, hugging back.
They stand like that for a little while before finally pulling apart. Kiku gives her a questioning, hopeful look.
"Do you really want to come home? Do you really not want to be a shinobi anymore?"
Sakura opens her mouth to reply in the affirmative but suddenly finds her throat blocked by a different sort of lump. Does she really want to come home? Yes. Does she really not want to be a shinobi anymore?
… No? … Yes?
"I don't know," she admits. "It's just so-so difficult. I don't know if I have what it takes."
Kiku doesn't reply to that immediately but continues to play with Sakura's hair. Sakura clings more tightly to Kiku's dress, feeling vaguely guilty that she's probably crinkling the delicate fabric beyond recognition.
"I don't … I don't understand why you want to become a shinobi, Sakura. Honestly, I think you're insane for it."
"You're insane," Sakura tries to joke.
Kiku doesn't rise to the bait but simply continues speaking in that quietly honest voice.
"But you told me that you wanted to choose for yourself. Do you remember?"
Vaguely? More like a hallucination from thirst and starvation, but sort of? Instead of voicing that Sakura just nods quietly.
"It was so important to you Sakura. It terrified me, honestly. I thought you were going to die, and I begged mother to stop it, but -"
Kiku's hand in her hair trembles lightly. Sakura pulls away to look closer at her cousin and Kiku takes a deep breath, meeting her gaze.
"You weren't going to let mother or Grandmother or the clan or anyone dictate your life. I've never seen you so strong before Sakura."
"It wasn't really that dramatic. I was pretty close to giving up."
Sakura shrugs, smiling sheepishly. Kiku smiles back but it's a small smile, more a politeness than a shared sentiment.
"I would be super happy to have you back home, Sakura. Really, I would. You're like a sister to me. But it sounds like you are letting others make decisions for you, and I don't think you should let them. They don't have any more right to make decisions for you than mother or Grandmother."
Their eyes meet and Sakura finds herself unable to look away; Kiku's eyes strangely compelling. The words feel right. Some part of her, buried somewhere deeply beneath the tumultuous emotions of the last few months, reverberates with it.
"I want you to come home, Sakura," Kiku clarifies. "I just don't want you to regret it."
"Ok." Sakura draws a deep breath, shuddering as she breathes it out again. "Ok, I'll-I'll keep trying. For a bit more."
At that Kiku smiles sadly.
"I was afraid you might. But I don't regret you having the choice. Neither then nor now."
Sakura nods distractedly but freezes as realisation hits her.
"You-!" she exclaims, staring. "You told Commander Hatake!"
Kiku just smiles wider.
About a week after Sakura's conversation with Kakashi-sensei he surprises her and the boys by presenting them with application forms for the chunin exams. Sakura isn't sure what to think about having been recommended but accepts the form with almost steady hands.
"Only those who wish to take it are to sign the applications," Kakashi-sensei explains. "You will have five days to figure out whether you want to take the exam or not, and no missions or team training for those five days."
She winces at that. Five days of no missions. There's a weekend in there as well, but that will still be a sizable chunk of her next paycheck gone. And her last one is almost gone as well.
"Think carefully before you decide to sign and risk your life for a pay raise," Kakashi-sensei orders. "You can always choose to try next time."
That gets her attention. Her mind spins with the ramifications of a potential promotion as they're dismissed.
"Chunin exams, chunin exams!" Naruto chants, positively dancing as they make their way back towards the village.
Chunin get higher ranked missions - the kind of missions that pay better and might allow her to afford an apartment on her own.
Sasuke-kun has a satisfied smile on his face, which is so unusual that a part of her just wants to swoon over how pretty he looks. Another part is busy considering the pros and cons of taking the exam.
She doesn't really want to take the exam. She can't even keep up with Naruto or Sasuke-kun in training. Her steps falter but the boys don't notice, too caught up in their own thoughts. Her eyes linger on their retreating backs.
They can do it. They have improved in leaps and bounds since their graduation. Sasuke-kun is so incredibly strong and Naruto, despite being so clueless, is somehow almost always able to keep up with him even if he's outmatched in sheer skill.
There's no way she's ready for the exam.
But she desperately needs the money. She'd been hoping, praying, that Kakashi-sensei would somehow be able to help her out. Perhaps help her appeal the decision of the lady from the Orphan's Fund, perhaps somehow help her get an apartment, anything. Now she knows that he won't. And while living in a tent works for now it won't work come autumn and winter. Konoha's weather is usually mild and rarely sees snow but the temperature will still sink and make living out of a tent uncomfortable. Not to mention that the foods available from the forest will dwindle.
Somehow she has to find a way to afford an apartment by then. Becoming a chunin will afford her a decent pay rise and enable her to do just that. However, is she prepared to literally risk her life for it?
With no missions and no team training Sakura takes to the library. She spends a few hours looking up all the information she can find on the chunin exams, which honestly isn't much. They are held bi-anually and the major hidden villages take turns hosting. The last event is usually public in some capacity and an opportunity for any hopeful chunin candidate to showcase their abilities. Sadly there is no information on what the previous stages look like, or even how many there are of them.
They are dangerous though. All of her sources agree on that. People die in the chunin exams. People get maimed in the exams, some even losing the hope to ever be able to try for chunin again due to injury.
It is with a frown that Sakura leaves the library.
What if she doesn't have what it takes to become a chunin? What if she tries and winds up being one of those who die in the exams? Or if she receives some sort of crippling injury?
By coincidence she crosses paths with Ino, who eagerly shares the news that she too has been recommended for the exams. Ino is so excited by the news that they'll both be competing that she invites Sakura for dinner, which Sakura gratefully accepts. Afterwards she winds up staying the night.
Long after Ino has fallen asleep Sakura lays awake, staring at the ceiling and considering her options.
Ino clearly isn't questioning whether she'll go for chunin or not. But then, things are different for Ino. Her whole clan are shinobi, and the absolute majority ranked chunin or above. Both of her parents are jounin.
By comparison, Sakura is nothing. Both of her parents were genin while they were alive, never able to reach the rank of chunin. Her father might have been posthumously promoted to chunin, but reaching chunin cost him his life. Sakura is twelve years old; she doesn't want to die. Not yet.
Shinobi die, she suddenly recalls the Matchmaker telling her. Life as a shinobi is hard, ugly and beyond all thankless. It will be much easier for you to bring honour to your family through a suitable marriage than as a kunoichi.
Maybe the Matchmaker was right. Maybe Sakura is more suited towards becoming a lady and marrying some noble than towards becoming a shinobi. Certainly, her choices thus far haven't brought her much luck.
But as much as she does not really want to participate in the chunin exams she wants to return to the Haruno clan even less.
She has already made her choice.
Sakura is a shinobi.
Shinobi are those who endure; those who fight and suffer for the sake of others.
Sakura will fight.
The next day, after a nice breakfast at the Yamanaka compound, Sakura sorts through her meager weapon's pouch; counting, sharpening and polishing each and every part of her gear. She has a total of 7 kunai, 3 shuriken, 2 exploding tags and one coil of ninja wire. Not even her Academy teachers would approve of such a poor showing.
Mindful of how thin her wallet has gotten she makes her way to the marketplace, looking for merchants selling weapons. Ideally she'd like to visit one of the proper stores, which will have better quality wares. However, with her almost nonexistent budget she reluctantly finds herself by stall of the same merchant that sold her the blood-specked storage scroll.
"Knew you'd be back," he smiles at her, baring his uneven, yellowing teeth. "What can I do for you today, pretty?"
A shudder runs down her spine and she nearly turns around to leave right then and there. She only stays because she really does need more weapons. Even a bad kunai can kill.
"I need kunai," she tells him. "And shuriken."
He gestures towards the ones he has on display and she experimentally picks one up. It immediately feels wrong in her hand; too light and badly balanced. She puts it down and picks up another, with the same result.
"What are you doing, Sakura-chan?"
She flinches at the voice, feeling like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"Oh, Kakashi-sensei! I didn't see you!" She hastily hides the kunai behind her back, turning around to give him a polite smile. "I'm just - I have to restock my weapons pouch for the exams."
The look he gives her is very much unimpressed.
"I realise," he speaks slowly. "What I'm wondering is why you are looking at those substandard weapons?"
Her cheeks burn with humiliation.
The merchant loudly objects that his wares aren't substandard but they both ignore him. The kunai are obviously very much substandard and they all know that no respectable shinobi would buy them.
"I guess sensei will give you a hand," Kakashi-sensei sighs in resignation, putting away his book.
Swiftly he plucks the kunai out of her hands and returns it to the display before steering her away from the marketplace and towards the actual, specialised shops surrounding it.
"You don't want to settle for cheap when looking for weapons," Kakashi-sensei explains patiently. "Cheap usually means bad quality, and bad quality weapons are a sure fire way to get yourself killed. For quality, you need to find a specialist."
Her humiliation over getting a lecture about the importance of quality weapons - something that was covered in her very first year at the Academy, and then subsequently at least once a year following that - is so great that she notices too late just which store he is leading her to. When she does notice she squeaks and tries to turn around, but he ushers her through the door with absolutely no effort.
"Tanigawa is a relatively new merchant but will suit your needs perfectly," he tells her, pulling her towards a display of various knives. "Good quality, and usually fair prices."
He plucks three kunai kits from the table and deposits them in her arms before turning around to search for something else. Surreptitiously Sakura looks around the store, grateful to notice that apart from a green haired woman manning the counter they are alone in there. Even so, her cheeks are still burning.
"Shuriken," Kakashi-sensei says, depositing two kits in her arms. "Do you have any ninja wire? Exploding tags? Flash bombs and smoke grenades?"
"I have two tags and one coil of wire," she admits, trying to suppress her blush. "But -"
He disappears before she has finished speaking. She looks down on the items in her arms already, mentally trying to calculate the pricing.
"Minimum recommendation is five ninja wires but I'll recommend at least eight, and for something like the chunin exams you'll want at least one pack of exploding tags," Kakashi-sensei tells her, depositing said items in her arms. "You never know what you might be up against. And you definitely want a few flash bombs and smoke grenades."
With her arms already full she struggles to keep a hold of the newer items and he quickly takes them back, leading her towards the counter. There he deposits his own burden before gesturing to her to do the same.
"You'll need a first aid kit as well," he says, heading for the display.
"Kakashi-sensei -" She tries to follow him, tries to get his attention, but he either doesn't notice or ignores her on purpose.
"How is your whetstone?"
"Kakashi-sensei, I can't -"
"Better get a new one just in case."
He hurries over to grab a whetstone for her as well.
He isn't even listening to her.
After everything - after losing her mother and her clan, after being homeless for the better part of two months and finding out that her sensei knows and doesn't even care enough to help - after all of that, something within her finally snaps. She plants her feet firmly on the wooden floors, squares her shoulders, and roars;
"FUCKING LISTEN ALREADY, KAKASHI-SENSEI!"
That at least catches his attention and he looks over at her, whetstone in hand, and frowns. The woman at the counter is staring but Sakura pretends not to notice. This is humiliating enough without an audience.
"It's rude to yell indoors, Sakura-chan."
She just barely reins herself back from retorting with something unforgivably rude. Instead she grits her teeth and forces herself to speak in a more suitable volume.
"I can't afford all of this."
She refuses to look away from him, her gaze locked with his one visible eye. He has humiliated her enough already.
"You can't? Well, I suppose you don't need all those ninja wires. The recommendation is five, after all, and since you already have one -"
"I can't even afford a pack of kunai and shuriken each in this place," she admits, the determination previously swelling in her chest quickly deflating.
He frowns at her then, clearly surprised and confused.
"What happened to your salary?"
Good question.
"I bought a raincoat and boots and the new dress, and then there was the-"
His eye abruptly grows colder.
"So your change of style was more important than proper equipment then? Perhaps I made a mistake in recommending you to the exams. Perhaps you aren't ready, if this is how your priorities lie."
There's scorn in his voice, and something she might call disappointment if she didn't already know that he hates her, but she won't let him intimidate her anymore. Not today, and not over this.
Kakashi-sensei sighs as he returns the whetstone to the display.
"An unarmed shinobi is a dead shinobi."
"A naked shinobi isn't very impressive either."
The words come out hard but she regrets them immediately, her throat convulsing around them.
Kakashi-sensei's eye widens almost comically and for a moment she thinks even he might actually be blushing.
"What do you mean?" His voice sounds a little bit hoarse, but that might just be her own imagination.
She fights the urge to run away and hide away somewhere where she can never be found again. He's a jounin anyway. It's unlikely that there's anywhere where she could hide that he wouldn't be able to find her.
Besides, she's done running and hiding. So instead she briefly closes her eyes, trying to stop herself from trembling as she states the truth out loud for the first time.
"I'm homeless and I'm clanless. I spent my money on clothes because my old ones were literally falling apart from all of the training, and I really needed the raincoat and the boots because I live in a tent and then what was over went towards food, so I can't even afford a single kunai kit in a place like this."
He's staring at her. Her hands are trembling - her whole body is - and she averts her gaze again.
"I'm doing the best that I can, whether you believe me or not."
And now comes the rejection, she thinks, bracing herself for it. Now comes the part where he tells her that she's lying or that she deserves it or that it's her own damn fault or-
"I see." His voice is entirely void of emotion and she cannot summon the bravery to look at him to judge his facial expression. "Then - I'll buy it for you. Since you need it for the exam. I am your sensei, after all."
Despite herself she stares at him, struggling to process the words. Kakashi-sensei nods to himself, decision clearly made, picks up the whetstone again and heads for the checkout counter. Sakura stares after him.
What just happened?
The woman at the counter starts to ring everything up and finally Sakura manages to catch her bearing again.
"Kakashi-sensei, I can't let you buy all this stuff for me!"
She hurries to the counter to stop the woman from ringing everything up and Kakashi-sensei from committing a mistake they'll both regret.
"Nonsense, I've got plenty of money."
If possible her blush burns even worse than before.
"Stop," she tells the woman at the counter before turning to face her sensei, meeting his gaze again. "Sensei, think about what this will look like."
"What will it look like? There's nothing wrong with me making sure that my students are well prepared for the exams."
She grits her teeth.
"People will talk."
"People always talk. I find it best to ignore them. Please continue."
The last part is aimed at the woman, who obligingly starts ringing things up again.
Sakura is going to die. Just flat out explode from the humiliation.
"People will talk if it comes out that you're buying gifts for your underage, unmarried girl-student. They'll get the wrong idea."
The woman at the counter makes a choking sound but carefully does not look at either of them. There is, however, a hastily strangled bout of laughter coming from the door to the back storage area. Looking over, Sakura just manages to catch sight of Akihiro before he dodges out of sight.
Her whole body runs cold. How long has Akihiro been listening for? How much has he heard?
"Consider it a loan then," Kakashi-sensei says, lightly waving away her concerns, his voice still oddly void of emotion. "You can just pay me back later."
Still looking at the door to the back storage area Sakura reluctantly nods her agreement. What does it matter if people think she's whoring herself out to her sensei for proper shinobi gear? It's not like she has much of a reputation to protect anyway.
Besides, the prospect of crippling debt suddenly doesn't seem so terrible. Not in comparison to what Akihiro might have overheard.