Meditate me, give me a piece of mind

It's only she and I

Ocean floor, how deep we dive

Stay - Mac Miller

April 8, 2005

Edward was out of bed before the sun rose. He used to love to sleep, but he found he couldn't sleep in anymore. He was too ready to leave, but not in the way he used to be. He wasn't running away, he was running towards something. Someone.

Maybe it was presumptuous, but he couldn't find it in him to care. It was unusually foggy, the air was almost smoking with the flurries it carried. It was an unseasonable snow, but the promise of spring clung to every sprouting flower and the unfurling leaves that sang their verdant songs in the light of dawn.

The only car in Bella's driveway was her behemoth of a truck- the police cruiser was conspicuous in its absence, and Edward knew it was safe to pull in. Bella knew he was there, and appeared in the front door before he even had the chance to put the car in park. Edward studied her as she swiftly locked the door and gracefully navigated down the icy path to the car. He had never seen anyone move like that. Then again, he'd also never seen anyone incapacitate a half dozen grown men or lift a van with their bare hands, but it never failed to leave him a little awed.

Edward rolled down the window and offered her a ride, and his relief was palpable when she smiled warmly and slid into the passenger seat.

"This isn't my date, is it?" Bella joked. Edward blushed, he couldn't help it.

"You won't have to ask that question when I do take you out," he said, trying to play it suave. It seemed it worked, though, because Bella seemed more intrigued than amused. "You're not cold?" he asked, finally noting her chosen ill-fitting outfit of the day. It was a long-sleeved shirt of dull gray, shapeless and certainly menswear, but not very suited to the icy temperature.

"I don't get cold," Bella shrugged. "I guess I'm not really covering my bases very well, though, if you think this isn't enough."

Edward reached into the backseat and grabbed his tan jacket. "Here. I wouldn't want you to blow your cover."

"Oh, no, I mean, don't you need it?" Bella was trying to object, but she still took it from his hand. It smelled like him, like warmth and honey, and she found that it was enjoyable despite the burning sensation it elicited in her throat.

"I'm warm enough," he murmured. It was true. He was wearing a thick cable-knit sweater and an undershirt, both purchased by Alice and stocked in his closet without his consent. He didn't fight her too hard, though. It made her so happy when he wore something she got him, and he couldn't deny that she had style.

But it wasn't just that. He always felt warm around Bella, like his pulse was always just a little too fast to cool him down no matter the external temperature.

A silence fell over them. The easy conversation that flowed throughout their day together seemed to have been stifled, and Edward focused on navigating the foggy roads with precise deftness.

"Do you always-"

"Why is it-"

They spoke at the same moment, and looked at each other with matching grins. Laughter broke out, piercing the awkwardness and opening the floodgates.

"What were you asking?" Bella asked.

"No, you first," he insisted.

"Well," Bella started. "I just… It's a silly question. I was just wondering if you always drive alone. I thought your siblings all came together."

"Rosalie drove today," Edward said, pulling into the lot and nodding at the shiny red sports car with a flock of teenage boys around it.

"Wow."

"It's a little much," Edward said, rolling his eyes. Rose acted like she never wanted attention, like she just wanted a quiet little life with Emmett where she could live in peace. He knew a little about the bullying and scrutiny before he joined the family, told to him in pieces by Emmett and Alice, but it seemed impossible to him that Rose could ever be vulnerable to anything.

"I can see why she'd want to drive," Bella said, still looking at the car. It had never been more apparent to her how out of place she was at Edward's side. They had yet to get out of the car, but it was sure to draw attention. Edward, in his quietly expensive clothes, always walking with his shoulders back and his chin up like the world should bow to him. With his full, happy family in their grandiose home and their garage full of luxury cars. Who was she to compare? Not even human. "What was your question?" she asked softly.

"Huh?" Edward asked. Bella had been staring off, and he took the opportunity to stare at her blatantly. The collar of her shirt was more revealing than any sweater she usually wore, and her pale throat was bare and exposed. A thrill went through him, seeing her in his jacket, her arms too short for the sleeves so she was swallowed by it.

"You were asking me something, before?"

"Oh, right," Edward said, trying to gather his scattered thoughts. "I was wondering why you're usually in sweaters, when you don't feel the cold? It's just to seem more human?"

"Yeah," Bella sighed. Another reminder of their differences. "I try to blend in, to not draw attention to how different I look."

"I don't know how well that's working out for you," Edward admitted, opening his door to the sound of the warning bell. He jogged around to grab the door for her, but she had already opened it herself and was standing beside the car.

Bella was right. Everyone was looking at them as they walked in together, arms pressed together as they strode in step. Bella wanted to reach out for his hand, but wasn't sure how he would react to that. It would be best not to test it, not out in public like that especially.

Alice bounded up to them cheerfully, looping her arm in Edward's and pulling him off to class. She was chattering on about nothing in particular, and Edward always found it easy to nod along to her soliloquies. But he was more distracted, and glanced back in time to see the back of his sweater as Bella disappeared into the crowd.

The rest of the week was just proof that he was worried over nothing. He couldn't believe he hated Bella for taking Alice away from him, when really it just brought them closer together. Every night, Alice was perched on his bed, instructing him on how to behave on a date, or rifling through his closet and flinging clothes on the floor because it wasn't good enough for Bella. He wanted to point out to her that Bella was usually dressed in drab men's clothing and thus he didn't think she would mind last season's Ralph Lauren, but it was pointless to argue with Alice. She was a force of nature, and she left the damage of a tornado in her wake.

Every morning, he picked Bella up, and that awkwardness of that first morning long since dissipated. They talked about everything and nothing, all at once. He made particular note of behaviours he wanted to ask about, in a more suitable environment than a few minutes before school. Like how she always covered her mouth when she laughed, and how she seemed to blink so deliberately it almost looked like it hurt her. He wished he could pry into her mind so that he could read every thought without her edits, because he knew she edited. He did, too, honestly. He didn't want to scare her away anymore. He wanted to keep her close, he wanted to pull her in before he told her about the darkness. Maybe then, she would stay.

But also, maybe, she would run off screaming. He wouldn't blame her. He knew, now, how much effort she put into keeping those around her safe. That this wasn't the normal state of her kind, all the rest were human-killing monsters. How would she feel if she found out he wasn't so different from them?

He was pensive when he dropped her off at home on Friday afternoon. They made plans for the next day.

"You'll pick me up tomorrow?" Bella asked. She had sensed a shift in his mood. It scared her. Like maybe he wouldn't come back.

"Of course," Edward promised, but his smile didn't seem to reach his eyes.

"Tomorrow?" she asked again, her hand on the door but she was hesitating leaving.

"Tomorrow," he promised.

Bella seemed slightly placated and danced up the front steps and into the house. Charlie was fishing the next day, and they would have the promise of a tomorrow. It wasn't a privilege everyone had, and Edward drove home with the radio off and the windows down, letting the cold air clear his mind. He parked in the garage and passed Emmett and Rose with barely a nod of acknowledgement, and went inside and helped Esme with the laundry quietly before disappearing up the stairs.

Everyone knew about Edward and Bella. Esme was regretting trying to keep them away, didn't think it was the right thing to do in the first place but understood Carlisle's concern and let him lead the way. When her husband came home, his eyes tired and a stack of paperwork in his arms, she kissed him softly and tried to unburden him, but he had work to catch up.

Carlisle pushed the door open to his study but froze. Edward was in there, and this was a room he seemed to avoid. He was hunched over himself on the sofa, his eyes squinting as he mouthed the words on the page. It seemed he was about halfway through, and Carlisle wondered how long he had been in there to get so far. He was trying to be quiet and not disturb him, but curiosity got the better of him. He craned his head into the room to get a look at what Edward was so devotedly reading on a Friday night that the world seemed to slip away. After all, Carlisle had never seen him read anything outside of struggling through textbooks, and that was usually when he was forced to.

Pride and Prejudice

Carlisle thought it an odd choice for a teenage boy. He was expecting a scifi novel, or maybe Harry Potter. Carlisle decided his charts could wait. He closed the door carefully and tiptoed down the hall.