Chapter 23
She leaned herself against the ocean, and held her breath as she plunged.
The rain had picked up at a slick pace to the chagrin and distaste of the two strangers, who had only just reached the limits of the city, who's buildings served as little protection from the thick waves that dripped down from every overhang.
Aspenpaw was reminded of his first experience with the city, through such a storm that seemed to be on the horizon now.
He had gotten violently ill immediately following that storm, and those same feelings of delirium and daze hit him hard again now.
He didn't let it show to Hawker, who led in front of him on their way to find his commune.
Despite how long he had been in it, it still didn't feel like "his" commune. He still didn't feel welcome.
Hawker hadn't said a word to him since the rain began, or it was likely that Aspenpaw simply wasn't able to hear any of the things she was saying.
The wind was picking up tremendously, whipping droplets like stones into their fur and flesh and eyes.
Hawker started moving quicker, and Aspenpaw couldn't agree more.
He had no sense of how far away their destination was, reliant only on the guidance of a stranger.
Suddenly, she turned, and Aspenpaw almost missed as Hawker bolted into an opening in a wall which led in deep like a tunnel, but was far too small to fit any twoleg.
He climbed in after her and was unexpectedly confronted by two pairs of eyes, "This ain't yer shelter!" A young tom barely yelled over the rage.
Hawker ignored him completely and turned her back to start shouting to Aspenpaw,
"We've got a ways to go, we might need to grab shelter from somewhere! There ain't many cats I know where we're's goin'!"
"I'm gettin' my father, then you'll be in trouble!" The young tom threatened them and disappeared into the blackness behind them.
Aspenpaw was still trying to catch his breath, but Hawker took the threat seriously and shouted, "We betta go!"
She allowed him another moment, but once he nodded that he was ready, they were back out in the downpour.
The rain was getting stronger, and the streets had begun to flood, floating garbage and scrap metal above the ground.
If either of them tried to speak, it was impossible for the other to hear, so they trudged through the increasingly rising and fast moving water.
The two cats stuck close together as brittle construction fell about their paws, and the currents constantly threatened to tear them through the tow.
It was only beside each other that they could survive out here.
When Hawker fell, Aspenpaw helped her up, and when Aspenpaw fell, Hawker returned the favor.
All of the overhangs that were supposed to protect from a light rain had been punctured and displaced, offering no respite for the two cats racing against the river.
The water was freezing despite the season, and Aspenpaw knew that if he relaxed for even a moment, he may not be able to continue on.
There was a real fear of death that he felt now.
Water was unforgiving; it gave life, but just as quickly, no matter how much he had worked and strived, no matter how many connections he made or what they meant to him, no matter how many dreams of the future he had, it could rip it all away in a flash, a light and he was dead.
Aspenpaw was afraid that he wouldn't have the chance to say what he wanted to.
He wanted to give himself to somebody, tell them what he felt and who he was truly, so that he would never be alone, even with his own death.
He might've now too, except that the world had muted him.
Hawker, as much as she had remained stoic when they could talk to each other, looked just as scared as Aspenpaw felt, and he knew it wasn't them two alone who were afraid for their lives.
In the distance, loud even above the rain, there was the commotion of what were called sirens by Deya, the sounds of cars when disaster struck.
The twolegs were having the same troubles, and Aspenpaw felt strangely comforted by that, despite the tragedy that may befall them all.
He understood Jingo's song now, creatures together in hardship, knowing one another and understanding.
He sang that song now, screamed it as loud as he could.
It didn't matter that he couldn't hear it, he knew it well and could feel it course through his body like blood.
Hawker looked to her side and saw Aspenpaw's moving mouth, but she could do nothing to communicate, so turned away and marched on.
The crash of thunder slit through the rainfall, sending fearful shivers through Aspenpaw's body.
There was no end to the storm. Hawker tapped and pointed with her tail across the river, signaling that it was the direction they had to go.
Aspenpaw immediately shook his head, refusing to even consider so much of a risk.
They had stuck close to the walls of buildings thus far, where the current was weakest, but even then they had both fallen several times from its pull.
Hawker looked at him with the most serious eyes, and it filled him with so much fear he nearly threw a fit and gave up.
But instead he froze, the water tugging at his feeble legs.
Hawker never broke her gaze, and Aspenpaw knew that this was the only way to go.
He slowly nodded and paced in place, trying to get as much circulation as he could.
He would die here, if he was lucky, but it scared him so much to take the step.
Hawker positioned herself beside him and swayed back and forth, staring down the rage with reluctance.
It went against everything their bodies told them to do, and yet, she jumped, and soon, Aspenpaw found himself fighting the tide as well.
He instantly lost sight of his guide, and soon, no direction was up anymore as he kicked out furiously in opposition to the tow.
The impact of the waves pushed the breath from his lungs, and completely submerged, the water filled his mouth and nose, his eyes and his ears, until his entire body seemed to be nothing but rainfall.
Aspenpaw spasmed, gave up on swimming as he body tried to fight the infection, but soon, everything became still.
He couldn't feel the water anymore, couldn't feel how it swept him along. It was all very quiet.
Aspenpaw felt like a kit again, tucked under his mother's wing, warm and safe in the peace, before he knew of the dangers of the world, before those dangers took away who he loved, before he became those dangers.
For a moment, Aspenpaw felt the sensation of not existing.
But then the world came back, as his body knocked into a wall and his paws found ground again.
Consciousness swept over him and his mouth drew in air again, once he had excised much of the water that was trapped in his throat.
He vomited out his stomach, and his legs could barely keep his weight.
The realization that he was still alive didn't even register at first, until he looked up and saw the deep gray sky.
His sinuses burned as he coughed, and thankfully, Hawker was doing the same, much further up the stream from where Aspenpaw stood.
He could feel no relief by his survival, not when there was so much more trial before him.
Hawker looked back to him and Aspenpaw took a step towards her, wobbling and using the wall of the building as a crutch.
More bile rose in his throat and splayed onto the surface, disappearing in an instant.
Hawker met him halfway, still choking on the liquid in her lungs, and they leaned on each other for strength, hardly sharing a glance.
The strength slowly returned, and the rain slowly calmed.
Aspenpaw and Hawker had been walking through the flooded streets for a couple of hours now, and were just now able to communicate with each other over the fading rainfall,
"We're almost there!" Hawker shouted over the noise.
They were both shivering with such extreme coldness that Aspenpaw could no longer feel any of his limbs, simply relying on his instincts to continue walking.
He felt so terrible for dragging Hawker through all of this.
He could have just waited out the storm and gone when it was safe, and no excuse would make him feel better.
He wanted to apologize to her for all this trouble, but at the same time, he feared bringing it up, like she would only confirm his thoughts and make him feel worse.
There was no easy solution in Aspenpaw's mind.
He was lost completely in this moment, unable to think of anything between now and when they left for the city.
It seemed like he had just met Hawker minutes ago.
His legs were still weak, the only breakthrough of his disorientation.
It felt like he was back where he had left the commune, but when the haze lifted, he realized that was entirely true.
The barely familiar half circle of buildings stood before them, rained out but sturdy.
Their pace didn't change for the excitement of the shelter, they were both far too tired already.
When they finally reached where the waters were mostly static, Aspenpaw looked around and saw a high opening in a building that was reachable from a stairwell on the side.
He pointed it out to Hawker and they ascended together, collapsing into darkness inside.
It was no warmer, and shaking his pelt out did little to dry off, but his muscles were finally able to relax, his legs crumbling to the ground.
Hawker, more knowledgeable of the city, was able to whack a latch that sent a clear plate down to fix the wall, promising that the room would warm soon.
She then fell beside Aspenpaw and called out, "This is Hawker! If anybody is there, I would wish to talk with someone of high rank!"
She threw her head on the soft floor and spoke to Aspenpaw, "Let's not wait 'round to see if they heard us,"
Aspenpaw agreed swiftly, but only a moment later, his desire to sleep was halted by the arrival of four she-cats, none of whom he recognized.
On instant when they saw him, two of them let out a growl and one other spoke, "Hawker, what have you brought about my domain?"
Aspenpaw kept his mouth tightly sealed, knowing that he couldn't add anything that would get them on his side. Hawker spoke for him,
"Says he's lookin' for ya. Says he belonged to Apollo and that she's fallen,"
"Yes, I allowed her cats to stay with us. They said nothing of a tom," The leader's, likely Aoiri's, voice was deep and threatening, and she wordlessly implored more of a response from Hawker, as if what she said hadn't been good enough.
Hawker responded by simply saying, "I believe him, ya know. Ain't a spy's job to get himself killed in a storm like that,"
Aoiri's expression didn't soften, but it didn't deter Hawker's nonchalance, "Anyhow, we need somewhere warm to be, and probably some other tendin's to. I'll remind ya that ya owe me a favor, sweetheart," Hawker smiled jokingly, but it was clear that her words were serious,
"I'll send for a blanket," Aoiri responded coldly and left the room, followed by the three cats she had brought.
Hawker flopped her head down against beside Aspenpaw, "I doubt that'll be comin' anytime soon,"
Aspenpaw finally relaxed his muscles, not holding out for anything else anymore.
He practically blinked asleep, and once he was out, nothing could rack him.
No dreams came, but all through his sleep, Aspenpaw couldn't shake the desperate coldness that had formed like icicles all through his body, both outside and in.
When Aspenpaw awoke, he was swathed in a thick, fuzzy material, but the coldness hadn't gone.
His teeth slightly chattered, but the sound wasn't alone in the room.
Several cats were murmuring to one another.
There were four cats in the corner of the room all quietly arguing among each other.
Hawker was there, looking just as drenched as when they first arrived, however long ago that was.
Aoiri towered over her, watching intently but now speaking, with a short she-cat beside her who seemed to talk enough for the both of them.
And then there was Deya.
It felt like it had been so long, but here she was.
She was the first to see him as he raised his head, connecting eyes with the rained out tom, but, although he was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and relief, there was another look on her face.
She looked nervous, almost guilty, a side of her that Aspenpaw had never really seen before.
It was as if they had slid into each other's paws.
The other three cats soon noticed him as well and Hawker padded over to explain.
Deya stayed still, "Aoiri's not so happy 'bout ya bein' here. Say somethin', make your case," Aspenpaw felt hurt by Deya's lack of emotion, but he stood up, and as fast as his mind could think after such a deep sleep, he addressed the leader,
"I only wish to rejoin with my comrades and continue our fight. Apollo allowed me in her commune because I was a worthy combatant, and I am still a full member, as competent and loyal as any other,"
Though his speech was a bit slurred, Aspenpaw was confident of his words, even if he wasn't fully committed to them.
He had never been as combat ready or emotionally invested in the conflict as the other members of the commune, but it would do him no favors to count his faults out loud.
Deya finally spoke, with the same adamant tone that she always had argued in, "He speaks true! If it were any otherwise, he'd 'ave not gone to such lengths and such risks that he did to find us!"
"Nobody knew how bad the storm was gonna be," The she-cat who Aspenpaw didn't know refuted,
"He first came to this city the day of that great storm four moons ago. It's not coincidence that he returns to us today!"
Aspenpaw didn't know what she was insinuating, but it seemed to be an effective argument, as for some time, nobody else said a word.
For the first time, Aoiri said a few words, a pointed question directly to Deya, "What is the consensus of your commune as a whole to the tom's arrival?"
The question seemed to back Deya into a corner, and Aspenpaw nearly blurted out an ill-prepared rant before she was able to answer,
"It was the consensus of Apollo that he is a member of our commune. I thank you graciously with my name, along with the rest of my commune, for how you've sheltered and treated us, but I am a sworn member of Apollo's commune and will not break my loyalty to her orders, elsewise I am nothin' but a derelict,"
This pledge shocked Aspenpaw with realization.
He had never known the culture of the communes in detail, and it hadn't occurred to him how strong the loyalty to leaders was here.
It now made sense why Aranyer had been so furiously appalled that night when he had criticized Apollo's leadership.
Deya finished her speech and Aoiri looked somewhat impressed, and Aspenpaw was filled with hope as the leader dipped her head slightly and spoke, "Yes, it would be wrong of me to dishonor your leader so. I will allow the tom to stay along your league, and only just," She clarified, "He is not welcome as a member under my security, and at interference, he shall be treated with the same respect as any of his brothers,"
Deya dipped her head down low, and Aspenpaw thought it best to do the same, "Now take him to your wing, I don't want to see him around here,"
Aoiri and her compatriot left the room side by side, and Hawker, after giving Aspenpaw a brief smiled, followed them slowly.
So now they were alone, Aspenpaw and Deya.
She crawled over and lied beside him, not meeting his eyes as she waited for the distant paw steps to disappear, and then she said, "I'm sorry, for everything that's happened,"
Finally secure in his place, Aspenpaw was given the moment to think about it all.
It didn't seem like Aoiri had known about his presence in the commune before now.
Aranyer had promised that she would make "something" happen, and though Aspenpaw had doubted that she would be so proactive, it certainly hurt a lot more now that it was proven to him.
But what completely entranced and bewildered him was how Deya hadn't said anything, how she had ignored him when he got left behind.
She wasn't stupid, and she had always defended him before, but she hadn't been there for him this time.
Maybe he asked too much of her, maybe she didn't have as much of a connection to him as he did to her.
He tried to reason with himself, he tried to defend her from any blame, but he just couldn't understand.
Yesterday he had discovered just how strong his feelings about her had been, how she was the only cat he wanted to spend so much time with, but now he felt betrayed.
He tried to look into her eyes, but she wouldn't look at him.
Aspenpaw felt white, searing sickness come over him, like realizing that nothing could be the same ever again.
He wasn't even angry, just confused and nihilistically bitter, the same feeling as when they were kept from their mother during her final days,
"Let's go to the commune," Aspenpaw spoke softly, as if he may be able to understand from them.
Maybe it hadn't been worth it to come back.
Maybe it would have been better to spend the rest of his life longing for a cat who had never done wrong to him than to feel so hurt now.
He rose, and though his legs wobbled, he didn't try to lean on Deya, and she didn't offer her pelt to him.
It was lonely, walking through the changing shapes of rooms, narrow and wide, but Aspenpaw counted it as a blessing that no cat should see him.
He didn't want their judgment now.
He wondered how Loneheart was able to deal with all the nasty attention during his darkest moments; Aspenpaw didn't think he could live like this.
It seemed like, no matter who it was he compared himself to, he would never come out on top.
His mind was a complete blur, following blindly Deya's paw steps but refusing to really see her at any moment.
They were below ground now, and Aspenpaw had never felt more claustrophobic, the walls narrowing and the turns so sharp he was afraid he would get cut if he walked too fast.
Soon Deya stopped in front of a flap in the middle of a large, rusty metal wall, and she looked back at him once before entering the room.
In the glimpse between the swinging of the flap, Aspenpaw recognized the face of Aranyer.
Anger was likely the only thing that made him enter, otherwise he might have thought to leave this place entirely.
As soon as he entered, heads were already turned to greet him with shock and dismay.
Nobody in this room was happy, but none of them dared say a word, not even Aspenpaw.
He felt, however, the desire to scream out, his previous mildness forsaken now for rising anger.
If Rese was there, she surely would have said something to make him snap, but the shape in the corner which proclaimed to be her lied still.
Aspenpaw locked eyes with Aranyer, who was frozen by his reintroduction.
Roco was also staring wide-eyed at him, her fear palpable in the air.
Aspenpaw's body was as exhausted as his mind, and his fur still felt incessantly wet.
He was a sore sight, and he imagined that they thought he had come for some sort of vengeance, like in so many stories he knew.
He took a step forward and Aranyer stood up.
Deya was nowhere to be seen, she'd ducked off into a side room at this point, so Aspenpaw had nobody to hold him back now.
Aranyer's eyes narrowed from guilt to defense.
Aspenpaw realized how much of a threat he seemed now.
He didn't want to fight her; he would win nothing from it no matter the outcome.
He took a step to the side, keeping his eyes trained on the she-cat as she stayed still, waiting for his move.
There were several flashes in her eyes when the guilt overtook her, but Aspenpaw wasn't interested in what she felt; she had sent him out to die on the streets for the sake of saving face.
Aspenpaw eventually found a corner, moving inch by inch, and he curled up on the ground, more tired than he had ever been before.
His adrenaline wasn't even pumping, and when Aranyer finally backed off, his body shut down completely in an almost death-like state; no dreams, no thoughts, just nothing.