Decision

Renri wandered.

Wandered aimlessly, yet far from the academy, from her goal. She should have turned back. Instead, she chose to waste another day by failing to force herself to face the mere threat of confrontation. Overcast sky, the slight chill in the air, it reminded her the clock continued to tick even if she avoided her issues. A hill would become an unscalable mountain soon enough.

Quiet, streets dwindling to desertion, her steps slowed as she recognized where her feet had subconsciously taken her. A single engraved stone stared back at her. Like other visitors here, she approached the lone stone, crouching to read the long list of names caved with care. The difference between her and others she had seen…

The names meant nothing to her.

Not a single one held any meaning. Yet, every time she accidentally found herself here or the cemetery, she would find herself enamored with reading each and every name. She felt something, obviously. Not empathy. Sentimental as she could be, she imagined the definition of sympathy better matched. After all, while she had experienced loss, the loss of family, it hadn't been through war and calamity. They certainly weren't venerated as heroes either.

Maybe it wasn't sympathy, either. She traced the lines of a few names preserved in cold stone. Maybe it was morbid fascination.

Footsteps. A distinct shadow cast against the stone cut it into half dark, half light.

"Hokage-sama," she acknowledged, glancing over her shoulder. A curl of smoke rose from his lit pipe, greeting of his own somber as he stared at the names.

She had never spoken to him. She had barely seen him as more than a carved face on the mountain serving as a backdrop to Konoha.

The first time she had seen him, she had tried to hide from view, final verdict of her acceptance into the village his. Silly, thinking about it now. The Sandaime and his council present, and she chose to hide behind the man that had abducted her like he would do more than shrug and say 'a shame, but it can't be helped' if they failed to humor him. A familiar evil, she supposed. That preference unfortunately persisted.

The pause following his greeting allowed her enough time to neatly collect her thoughts into a question.

"Every name here, they gave their life serving the village during the last war?"

"That's right."

A peek from the corner of her vision, his attention remained on the names, expression tired and pensive. They meant something to him.

Confirmation, she hummed, considering.

One other time she had been crouched before the memorial when another person approached. A strange hour, near dawn on a sleepless night. An older boy, a teenager, his face covered, headband over one eye. She had dared to ask him who. A long pause, silence, eventually he muttered a reply while looking at the names. A teammate. Presumably, someone around the same age.

"Even if they were young, with few accomplishments beyond serving the village in that brief time, they have their name here?"

"Of course."

She stood, eyes still flitting over names. The cherished names of the dead carefully preserved in cold stone. Voice lowered, hesitant, she usually avoided speaking of them. "Kirigakure is very different." And, without a doubt, she had only glimpsed the surface, too young to fully remember let alone understand. "One of my brother's-" Died? She swallowed harshly, image burned into her skull. No. "Was killed by one of his classmates to even have the opportunity to call himself a Hidden Mist shinobi."

Details learned through reading had begun to fill in the blanks she hadn't understood, then. She still couldn't claim to understand. Not like Elder Brother could.

The words still felt… wrong. Like a self-told lie. A self-told lie to bring some twisted comfort compared to reality.

Empty hand at her side grasping air, her fingers curled into a tight fist, nails jabbing her palm. Could. How hopeful of her to think he was alive. That anyone was aside from her. A corpse, to witness the aftermath, it at least offered a bitter sense of closure. Not knowing the fate of her father, mother, and two other brothers ate her alive, and she wasn't sure if it was the fangs of despair or hope sinking deeper. She sometimes wished she would forget them entirely. Then, the guilt would pick away at the thought.

"I have no right to stand here," she eventually concluded. Not before a monument to Konoha's precious fallen comrades, names forever engraved in stone to keep their memory alive.

Not empathy. Perhaps only slight sympathy. But, above all else-

"You are a citizen of this village, now."

A flicker of a melancholic smile, "Thank you," she muttered. For the words she wanted to hear.

Hope. Above all else, hope. She could see hope even in a monument to the dead, here. If she was worth anything in this world, then why not die protecting this small scrap of hope? She may even be remembered for it.

Because, in Kirigakure, they didn't even keep track of the living let alone the dead.

Eerie silence permeated.

Academy halls empty, every distant noise echoed. A book open in her lap, she nervously tapped the pages, focus on the words nonexistent. Indistinct voices a few rooms down began to taper. Her heartrate picked up.

They had a written test, today. Teacher always gave quick feedback, he would-

A latch click, the door swung open. Back rod straight, she scrambled to her feet. Then down to pick up her book as it hit the floor with a resounding thud. She quickly shoved it into her bag as teachers began to file out of the room. As expected, her back to her classroom door, Takuma-sensei approached. Shuffling in place, her clumsiness already had his attention. His expression painfully spelled out the oddity in seeing her after school hours.

She usually bolted from the academy the second class ended. To train on her own or go to the library, but he didn't know that. Probably.

"Sensei," she started, accidently cutting off his greeting, her voice turning to a squeak, "may we speak?"

His brow raised into his headband. "Sure," he said, gesturing for her to step into the classroom.

At least she wouldn't have an audience…

She stepped aside before following him inside. The door closed softly as she hesitated by it. Takuma went to the front of the room, off to the side, to lean against his desk instead of sitting behind it. Renri stiffly marched to stand a more reasonable distance from him. No way could she manage to speak loud enough to be heard from across the room.

Silence. How she despised starting conversations.

A moment too long, and he spoke up first. The elusive conversation starter was simply, "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry!" And she wanted to slap a hand over her mouth. Especially as confusion at a contextless apology drew his eyebrows together. Awkward moment stretching on, she had to set aside her nerves. This needed to be said. Hands behind her back to straighten her posture and keep her fingers from the hem of her shirt, she tried again. "I'm sorry. I lied. Or, rather, I have been dishonest. Deceived, perhaps, is the better word."

His eyes narrowed slightly, expression becoming serious. Didn't help her nerves. Kept her from rambling further, though. A loose gesture to the nearest chair, "Why don't you sit down and then explain?"

She nodded, grateful for the small pause as she carried over a chair. Teacher pulled his own chair out from behind his desk to sit across from her. No desk between them, a moderate distance apart, she folded her hands in her lap. A desk would have allowed her to fiddle. And hide.

"I have been deliberately scoring low."

"I could never figure out why you were doing that," he said, rubbing at his chin nonchalantly as her illusion shattered.

But, of course. How foolish to think otherwise. He noticed. Itachi had called her out after witnessing one test, but teacher had seen dozens. Leaf headband catching the light as he shifted… So easy to forget their teachers were trained shinobi. A slight chuckle, her expression must be shocked, but the tension eased.

"You tried, but it was pretty obvious, kid. Especially on the practical exams. Almost passed you a few times for the precision it took to get average." He sighed, shaking his head. "The written exams took a bit longer. It took convincing Saki-san to slip a cipher into a kunoichi lesson."

"You picked a cipher similar to the one on the test." She thought she had been so strategic about things. Yet, she had been reading a more advanced book between lessons, in no way hiding it. An intense eye for detail was quite literally a qualification for being a shinobi. Still, she had no idea he paid her so much attention, much less that he would care to corner her. "My participation, you would waive it…"

"Because there was no point if you weren't going to try your best," he finished.

"I see," she mumbled, thoroughly dejected as she watched her fingers tap against her thigh.

"At first, I thought you were just a bit shy and awkward." And he would still be correct; her people skills were her second worst attribute. She couldn't bring herself to make eye contact. "But it quickly became apparent just how deliberate your every action was. So, I decided not to ask." A pause, another disappointed sigh, she wanted to shrink into the chair. Or disappear. She never handled disappointment well. "In all honesty," he began again, voice lower as he leaned forward, "I was going to give you until the end of the semester. If you kept this up, I would have had you removed from the academy."

Her chair squeaked as her attention jerked to his face. The revelation struck deep to drop her stomach in a freefall.

She couldn't have both. Continuing to sabotage herself would ensure she had nothing.

"Can you explain to me why?" Takuma's brows pushed together, her expression betraying entirely too much. "I just don't understand why a student recommended by one of the Sannin would try to fail, unless she didn't want to be here."

"I do!" An almost shout, fear quivered her voice at that being taken. It took everything to stay seated. Her fingers curled into the bottom of her shirt. "I want to be here," she said firmly, desperately. "I had to ask to, and Orochimaru-sama humored my request, but then I-"

She what? Wanted to pretend she could have friends? She should have never made that her goal. She was here to make herself into something useful. Something worth keeping alive.

She understood her continued existence was a rather insignificant taunt. Village politics were certainly never discussed around her, but she knew enough. That Danzo man had wanted her dead the moment she stumbled into the light, the Hokage held some sort of pity towards her situation, and Orochimaru was just amused to watch them debate how to clean up his mess.

"I…" She knew it would be a worse crime to divulge her pitiful struggle with importance and survival. It wouldn't be the pathetic truth, anyways. "It's a very silly reason but I- I understand my situation." Voice shrinking, her attention drifting back to the floor, "I know others are suspicious of me. I knew that if I did too well, that would only worsen, and I would become something intimidating." Opposed to an easily dismissed child. That excuse could only last so long before child was replaced with weapon. Perhaps, upon starting the academy, she had already lost that. Perhaps, she never had that excuse. "I didn't want more negative attention on me."

A hopeless fantasy. As much as she wanted to pretend otherwise, she knew that negative attention was the default. For her. For her family. Father was probably the only reason they'd been allowed in Kirigakure. As soon as he'd vanished, elder brother Renta was quick to move them far from the hidden village. Then the Anbu decided they were better off dead.

"But," she continued, snapping herself from memories, "I've realized, now, that either way…" Either way, her existence brought misgivings. Here. There. Anywhere. "I want to be a ninja of Konohagakure." To protect the shred of hope she found to cling to as her future remained otherwise bleak. "For allowing me to live here when I know that-" That this should have never been her fate.

She shouldn't have survived that night. Her spared life, then, should live to serve something. Without family, without ties to individuals, she would dedicate herself to the village. She would become important.

She had decided that. Even at the cost of herself.

Because the alternative-

Renri raised her gaze from the floor back to her teacher. He listened intently but gave no response to her reason. Her silly reason. "I thought I should explain. Especially since I misjudged how much attention you paid me." That much, at least, made her happy. She had avoided him, before, but he wasn't as scary now. She hadn't needed to be so nervous. "The sudden jump in my test scores would seem odd otherwise."

"I can't adjust your previous grades."

"I understand."

"You also won't graduate this year, even if your grades improve."

That stung, but she nodded. It would serve as her punishment for wasting everyone's time.

A heartbeat of a pause, and he stood, slight scrape of his chair breaking silence as much as his voice. "Well, I'm glad to have you motivated. It'd be a shame for all your talent to go to waste over something like this." A hand landing on her head instantly flustered her, praise already enough to heat her skin. She stared at him with wide eyes. He only offered another pat on her head with a smile before pulling his hand away. Voice softening a touch, he said, "I know that a lot of people look down on you because of," a hesitation, choosing words, "your heritage and how you came to be in the village, but I know you're a good kid. You wouldn't have been ready to take a kunai for a classmate that's bullied you, otherwise."

A/N: Thanks for reading! Thanks to those that have favorited/followed!

fausterin- Thanks for reviewing! Itachi is exactly the type of character I like- which is a problem because then I end up going oh, no, how the heck do I actually write for him? And have an oc be friends with him when he's notoriously difficult to get close to? I'm never sure where I should actually respond to reviews on this site.