I do not own these characters or profit from them. If you would like to see my superheroes and villains look up my books on Amazon under Clayton Overstreet such as Super Naked, Slasher School Days, Queer Creatures or A Coven Of Witches.

Joke: Your mother is so fat that when she wears Batman's merchandise (looks at the sky) he shows up.

This story takes place… well actually that is why I am writing it. The current DC continuity seems to have a hole where Harley Quinn is involved. For a while I was worried that her solo series where she's an antihero in Coney Island was maybe a hallucination, but so many major DC characters interact with her (somehow not bothered by the people she has killed and still sometimes does kill on a semi-regular basis) there that they can't just say "Oops, it was all a dream" anymore. Cy Borgman even was made a major character in Harley's TV series.

Then there is the Suicide Squad Harley who somehow is a resident of Belrieve Prison and goes on missions for Amanda Waller and gets involved with some serious stuff like attacking Atlantis or fighting Zod and hangs out with guys like Killer Croc. Who has interacted with both, but never mentions one to another. And yet both got the same makeover where she went from red and black hair to blond dip dye that appears in the movie version. Only this too could be a delusion. Actually easier to maintain since it focuses on the slightly more evil and focused, I'm not a hero, Harley living out a spy drama, except this stuff also involves major events and characters in the DC universe.

Or maybe there are actually two women rocking the persona. Harley's had imitators before (like Harley Sinn) and the Joker had at least one of her crazed fans get plastic surgery to look like him to try being with her. Doppelgangers are a superhuman staple and given the skin tones it'd be hard to tell real Harley from Bizarro Harley, let alone a clone, robot, parallel universe double, time traveling version from the future, or just some well informed nut in face paint.

Then there is a sort of mixed version that goes on road-trips to Riverdale with Poison Ivy, or a piece of Poison Ivy while a crazed version of Ivy is trying to murder them both out of the stupidest sense of betrayal ever. Because Harley barely knows who she is half the time and you're upset because she can't tell a copy of you from the real thing? Then the two merged anyway. Meanwhile Coney Island Harley is in a coma after Ivy saved her from the Joker, a guy with half a dozen conflicting origins before the universe got its 52 reboot. .

So I was reading Sandman and it occurred to me that there is a way to reconcile these three (Or more) canon versions of Harley in the main universe.

Side note: when John Constantine sold his soul to Beelzebub and Azazel, what did he get out of the deals he struck? I know it was a trick to get them to cure his cancer and get Lucifer off his back, but I seriously doubt he just conjured up two lords of hell and said, "Take my soul, please." At least not without tipping them off. Plus since Lucifer Quit and Azazel is still in the Sandman's chest, can Beelzebub still claim his soul in the new 52 rebirth universe? Please let me know when you review this story. Also what's Timothy Hunter been up to recently?

The Secret Of Harley Quinn

By, Clayton Overstreet

The world is a crazy place.

Pamela Isley, AKA Poison Ivy, sat in her apartment looking at her makeup mirror. She had just returned from being left behind by Harley and merging with her doppelganger or "cutting", however you wanted to see it. Sure the other half had told Harley to run and the "original" was trying to murder her, but nobody said resentment had to make sense. Not her last review at Arkham certainly.

Suddenly Harley stepped into view in the reflection and wrapped her arms around Ivy. "Feelin' better, Daffodoll?"

"I hate you," Ivy said, pouting but not moving or looking away from the mirror.

"Me, or yourself?"

"Why would I hate myself?"

"Well ya did hunt us down and try ta murderize her and me," Harley said. "Mostly though I'm thinking you have other issues. You was yellin' at me fer not recognizing she wasn't you and her because she was enjoyin' life instead of being full time eco-warrior, but now here you are back togetha' again and just lookin' inta a mirror. Makes me think maybe you're thinkin' that if you and the Ive I was with switched places, maybe things wouldn'ta been all that different after all. And that's what you're really worried about. That down deep maybe you ain't all that different than the rest of us humans, fer all you're a prettier shade o' green than most."

Ivy did not say anything at first. Finally she said, "It's your fault. I get confused around you Harley. Like I'm a different person. Suddenly it's all about your crazy."

"Listen Babe, did I tell ya about me and Mistah J breaking up? I mean the time it stuck?"

"Yeah, he tried to slice your face off to match him and when you wouldn't let him he chained you up in a pit with the dead bodies of a bunch of his other clown themed minions. You had to slit your wrists to escape."

Harley smirked and kissed her hair. "Well yeah, but somethin' happened before that. At least I think it did. I could just be crazy. But while I was chained up I had this dream…"

Harley was in a garden. There were a lot of paths, leading to many different directions. Down each one, wherever she looked she saw a tall man in a robe, carrying a book bound to his wrists by thick chains. Looming overhead were seven statues that looked like they were dedicated to some weird Goth death metal band.

"Holee Frijoles, what's Mistah J puttin' in this new batch of Joker Gas?"

"Harlene Quinzel…" the figure said, somehow standing right in front of her. "You stand off the path of Destiny."

She looked down and saw one of her feet on the well worn path and the other on the green grass crushing a flower. "Oh, sorry. I didn't see any signs sayin' ta keep off the grass."

"If you had, would you have obeyed?"

She turned and saw another weird guy standing over her shoulder. He was pale as her and had black eyes, a white robe, with an emerald hanging around his neck. Harley briefly considered kicking him in the balls and stealing it, but a glance back at those dark eyes made her rethink things. "Maybe." The white guy smiled and disappeared into sand. She turned back to the guy in the hood.

"That is why you are here Harlene…"

"Please, Harley. That half asses pseudonym is the only decent thing that jackass boss of mine ever gave me."

He nodded. "Very well Harley. You are here because you have left your destined path. You had so many journeys, but it seems that the destination was the same. Death, as with anyone. Yet you were meant to die either at the hands of the Joker or fighting in his defense. Then you became embroiled with the so called Suicide Squad and were forced to new paths. You began to defy destiny the moment that bomb in your head failed to explode and time and again you failed to meet your end in battles far beyond what you should have survived."

"Yeah I get that," she said. "Me and Mistah J, we're a coupla funny faced nuts with bleached skin. Least Lex Luthor gets powah armor and crap. I got a hammer and a attitude. The Joker ain't even got my skills in gymnastics. So Batman's one thing, it don't make a whole lotta sense that we're a major threat to guys liker Superman or the Flash or that we should be honobbin' with Darkseid or Vandal Savage. Yet there we are."

"Crazy is a power," someone said and she saw a pale girl standing not too far away. Her hair was several colors, predominantly orange. She could have been twelve or a short thirty. One of her eyes was green with weird flecks in it and the other was vein-blue. She was wearing a punk outfit and smiling as a dog sat near her feat. She turned to the tall guy. "It's okay if I take her now, right brother? She isn't really one of yours any more."

He nodded. "Very well. Trying to read her pages gave me a headache anyway." Without another word he turned and like the other hooded guys began meandering down the garden path.

"Come on," the girl said and began walking across the lawn.

The dog stood up. "Now that you've got her attention I'd try to keep it. Bad things happen to people around Delirium when her mind wanders."

Harley smiled. "Funny, same thing happens round me too." She followed. "Sure we should be walkin' cross the lawn? The big guy seemed a real rule follower."

"That's my big brother. He and my sister and my other brother always stick to the rules. I have another brother who just ignored them al land left. I think maybe you might sorta have been one of his for a time. Then I got a sister who doesn't care about the rules and a sister-brother who likes to break them whenever she can. He-she reminds me of your boss. He thinks he's one of mine, but he's not. He's all about desire and that only looks like crazy."

"So you think I'm one of yours? Whatever that means?" The girl walked through a thorny rose bush. As she did the leaves and branches that toughed her turned into rainbow snakes with wings that smelled like taffy and floated away. That dog followed through the opening. When Harley tried she found the bush left behind was petrified and made out of stone and glass. She cut her hand following, licking the blood as she edged through.

Delirium… Harley knew people with far stranger names… seemed oblivious. "Are we related for somethin'? Cause I notice we got the same skin color."

Delirium giggled. "Sort of but you're not a member of my family-family. At least not that way because my family are old and scary and we don't get bornded that way, but them again maybe you will be some day. Or maybe you are cause sometimes we get frisky and Desire likes to trick us into spilling family blood so sometimes I guess we have blood and relatives like Rose Walker and Orpheus and that big jerk from the negative dimension place who makes zombies with black rings claims he's my sister when he's totally not…"

Harley looked to the side and saw another girl, dancing along the path. "Is she your sister?"

Delirium looked and frowned. "No, that's me back when I was Delight. Have you ever had a bad day when you thought you were one thing and were going to be that thing forever and ever and then it was all different and scary so you couldn't be that thing any more?" The dog licked her hand as she looked sadly at the old her.

Harley looked down "Yeah, I kind of had a day like that today."

Delirium smiled. "And that's why I'm here. You were so set and going to be the thing forever and now you're like me and the world doesn't make sense anymore, b ut it's still the world and no matter what you change that's the thing it is. But also the world is all differenty now because of a weird white lantern thing and a fifty-two and junk that is the same but different." Suddenly she was holding Harley's hands right in front of her. "I always wanted a little sister so before the universe makes everything the samey again and the Lords of Order and the DC writers establish their rules, like they did when the Devil closed down Hell, my friend Shivering Jemmy that my brothers and sisters tell me I shouldn't listen to says I should has some fun before everything gets all prictububble again. So I want a secret baby sister who never really gets older and doesn't have to follow all the boring rules for Destiny and Desire and Despair, Dream, and Destruction the same wayses I does, except when I don't."

"Huh?"

Delirium smiled. "I want to give you a birthday present. Anything you want."

"Like a wish?"

"No silly I mean from now on you'll be anything you want. You can be a bad guy or a good guy or both and more. Like how theres all this different worlds where you're in them but they're like you only different. Except just this once you get to be all of them and you don't have to choose."

"What do you…?" She trailed off as around the garden she saw herself. Harleys everywhere. Her with a team of villains, fighting with superheroes. Her with a team of multi-colored teens in her kind of outfit, fighting crime, only she rode on the lap of some old half robot guy. Her as a psychiatrist again. Her naked entwined with Poison Ivy on a beach. Her animated and dressed up in a bat-costume with Batman and his sidekicks. Her beating the Joker bloody. Her animated again standing with Ivy and watching Gotham burn to the ground. Her back with the Joker. Her flying off with Power Girl. Harley in Wonder Woman's costume. "What is all this?"

Delirium smiled. "It's your birthday present. Like I said, you get to be anything you want." She tilted her head. "Except you know, not if you die in that stupid hole full of dead clowns cause then you'd be my sister's and not mine." She nodded up to one of the statues that looked like a skimpily clad Goth chick wearing a looped cross. Harley did feel an instant attraction for the girl depicted. She had such kind eyes. "So please Harley, don't give up." Delirium stood on her toes and kissed Harley's cheek. "Be my secret baby sister that even my know it all big sister and brothers doesn't know about. You look like us and you know Death and Destruction and Desire and Despair and Dream and even meany Desire and you'll be my favoritest cause you're like me and them and I'm supposed to have seven of us anyway…"

"Huh? Oh, sure, I guess. But last I checked I'm probably going to die in a cave full a' corpses in clown suits."

"Aw that's okay. I wake up like that all the time."

"It's very disturbing," the talking dog confirmed.

She went on, "But that only means anything if you let it. You saw my big brother. He's got chains to, but only because he lets them. I used to be Delight, now I'm Delirium. My big brothers stopped being Destruction and Dream once and Despair was new too cause someone made her dead. I might be someone else I've always been tomorrow." She smiled and her teeth each rotated in her mouth three times. "Who do you want to be Harley?"

Harley looked around and again saw herself. Some had friends. Most had enemies. But they were fading away. "I want to be all the Harleys. I'm Harley Fudgin' Quinn!"

Delirium stepped back and clapped, tiny fireworks shooting from her nails and exploding with tiny pops. "Yay!"

"Next thing I knew I was back in the cave, but I was totally renewed and a little crazier I think. Crazy enough to rip free like a coyote in a trap and then take the Joker's skinned face and slap it on Deadshot sos I could work through a few things. After that… I feel like I've been everywhere. Done everything."

"You know that's the craziest story ever, right Harls?" Ivy asked ruefully.

Harley laughed. "You're one to talk." She bent over and kissed Ivy on the cheek.

Then she was just gone. Ivy jumped and looked around. The doors and windows were closed. No holes in the walls. It would not be the first time Harley had teleported, but touching her cheek Ivy had the feeling that this was different. "Gah! Must be my brain rewiring itself after merging." Either way she silently promised not to ask Harley about it. She was not sure what she would do if that crazed clown confirmed the story.

Unseen in the reflection of the mirror behind her Delirium opened the apartment door and with a little giggle stepped through into her own realm, shutting it behind her. Ivy would never notice that the lock in the reflection was just a little different than the one in her actual apartment.

Author's Note

I notice that the current Harley and Delirium have some things in common. Fashion sense. Harley's bi-colored eye makeup is reminiscent of Delirium's two colored eyes. Insanity. Hair styles. White skin. And the Joker has a certain resemblance to Desire. Harley even was given the opportunity to become a cosmic being recently. She's been to Hell and when she n early died God and the devil argued over her final fate ("No, you keep her!").

Everyone is always amazed at Batman keeping pace with his super-powered colleagues, but Harley and the Joker keep up with him and them too. No powers. Well Harley is immune to poisons and heals slightly. But Batman could be said to be the same. Comic character recuperation time is usually pretty boring. Gwenpool is another one I like who is similar.

Personally I prefer heroes to have superpowers. Mostly because I want all the benefits of being god without having to earn it with hard work and intellect. Still charisma and surprise value counts for something. Which is why I rarely get into Suicide Squad and prefer the other Harley and was not terribly interested in her when she first appeared until she left Joker the first time and developed as a person rather than an appendage.

Now she is her own character, practically the Joker's nemesis above Batman, except she has more of a life than either of them. She has a hit TV show, her own comics, and none of their whiney BS. I think that is what I like best about Harley in all her variations. She gets down sometimes, but she loves being herself and if she puts on a disguise it's to pass as normal rather than trying to be normal. None of that "I'm going to throw away my costume" stuff or attempts to "go home" or be accepted or atone. She does good when it feels right not to make up for any evil she may have perpetrated. And she's just as likely to do something bad.

Though like many villains now that she isn't working for the Joker she tends to go after those that deserve it, however tangentially. The average assassin doesn't shoot random people, they get paid a lot of money ad are usually sent top kill very bad people. Not because of altruism, but mostly because very few people pay $50,000 or more to someone else kill a random grocer or landlord.

Anyway like I said since the New 52 the Harley I like reminds me of Delirium from Sandman and she definitely seems to get involved with everyone. To the point that several versions of her seem to be scurrying around the main DC universe doing mutually exclusive things. With different personalities. Different friends. The version of Poison Ivy that tried to kill Harley and her own double seems quite different than the one that helped build the Gang of Harleys. Not a problem in different universes. The version of Lucifer, not to mention Cain and Abel, in the TV series was quite entertaining without having to be exactly like the one in the comics. But like I said it seems like different versions of Harley and her crews seem to be occupying the same world and just pointedly avoiding each other. Did Suicide Squad Harley even acknowledge her mother's death?

It makes me wonder what would happen if Waller sent her Suicide Squad to Coney Island. I'd like to see the two Harley's square off… the last time Harley met another version of herself in the comics they made out while fighting Nazis.