Just another Monday morning. Two more ones and he will have reached the line he has set himself. He will finally be able to apologize to Gillian and by then his efforts will hopefully have been enough to show her that he really honestly wants to try to become a better man. A better person. For her.
By now, it's 8.15 and he is no longer the only one at the office. Heidi knocks at his door:
"Dr. Lightman, will you take the 10 o'clock meeting alone or shall I reschedule?"
For a moment he doesn't understand. "Why? What's the matter with Dr. Foster?"
Another one of the things he changed: He never calls her just "Foster" anymore. It's Doctor Foster. Finally realizing that she has earned that title at least as much as he has his one and should be addressed properly.
"She called in sick today, sir." Heidi explains. "I thought you knew. She sent an email very early today."
Cal shakes his head no. Gillian calling in sick? That has never happened before. He distinctly remembers being the one who had to push her out of the office even when she was bordering on being delirious due to a fever.
The meeting was important though, so he better not postpone it.
"I'll take the meeting alone." He decides. "Did Dr. Foster give any explanation for her absence?"
"No, sir. It is a very short message. She just wrote that she can't come in today as she is sick."
Hm. Not a real reason to worry, but weird nonetheless. Heidi is almost out of the door, when he calls her back:
"Heidi, I am going to take a quick look at Dr. Foster's schedule and see which other appointments I might have to handle. However, I don't want to mess with her stuff, so if it's not absolutely necessary, I want you to reschedule, okay?"
"Of course. I believe the 10 o'clock meeting is the most important one today."
As usual, Heidi was well informed and Cal has her clear not only Gillian's but his afternoon too so he can check in on her. He doesn't know whether she will be happy to see him though. Anyway, he needs to make sure that she is alright. So, he bites his time until the only important meeting of the day starts, then tries to get it over with as quickly as possible without antagonizing their client.
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It's almost noon by the time he finally leaves the building. He has a funny feeling that makes him rush down the stairs and almost jump into his car as if he can't afford to lose yet another minute. He has had Heidi trying to call Gillian but her phone went straight to voice mail. Of course, if she is really sick, she probably doesn't want to talk. That much is obvious. However, he can't help thinking that something else must be wrong. His gut tells him so.
Before leaving the office, he grabbed the large package of special cocoa that he intended to give her by the end of the week meaning it to be yet another tiny step in the direction of a proper apology. Only when he stands in front of her door with the cocoa in his arms does he realize that if she is really sick to the stomach, this gift will probably not be the best idea. He mentally shrugs his shoulders and rings the doorbell anyhow.
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She has spent the morning pretty much the same way she spent Sunday afternoon: crying until she had no more tears left. She still hasn't left her couch and the cushion she is desperately clinging to is wet from her tears.
When the doorbell rings, she is startled and just decides to let it slide. Whoever is on the other side will leave eventually. She is too exhausted and too shaken and overall too broken to meet anyone right now.
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When she doesn't open right away, Cal gets even more anxious: what has happened? Is she alright? He knocks at the door and calls her name out loud. He still has her spare keys but he is not sure whether she would want him to use them. Maybe she doesn't open because she knows it's him. Then again, maybe she doesn't open because she can't. Because she is hurt. That thought makes him put the cocoa down and frantically search his pockets for those spare keys. Before he has found them though, the door opens.
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Upon hearing his voice, she stops breathing. He is here. Right outside. The only thought she can process is getting to him. She needs to see that he is alright. For now at least. That she can still see his face, hear his voice. Getting up on wobbly legs she opens the door and simply stares at him while new tears are clouding her vision.
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"Gillian! Oh my God! Are you alright?" He doesn't know what to do. She looks like a mess with her hair undone and wearing yesterday's wrinkled clothes and she is crying so hard that her whole body is shaking. She is about to sink to the floor when he catches her. He hesitated, not knowing whether she would welcome his touch, but it's obvious that she doesn't mind for she clings to him as if she doesn't ever mean to let go. He gently carries her inside and puts her back on the couch.
"Darling, I need to close the door. I'll be right back, okay?" He tries to reassure her. It's really bad weather outside and he doesn't want her to catch a cold on top of whatever else she is suffering from. However, he almost has to forcefully remove her hands from his coat before she allows him to move. As soon as he's out of her reach, her sobbing intensifies.
He shoves the cocoa inside, pushes the door closed and only allows himself to shrug off his wet coat before he drops back right next to her encircling her in his arms again. She hugs him as close as she can and for the longest time he can't do anything but whisper calming words while she slowly stops crying.
Once her breathing is more regular, he softly asks: "Will you please tell me what happened? You really scare me, love."
That immediately gets her attention and she moves so she can look into his eyes: "I scare you? You are kidding me, right?" When he only shakes his head and waits for her to continue, she whispers: "I figured it out." And then she starts sobbing and trembling all over again.
Cal is thoroughly confused but naturally holds her once again and tries to sooth her while he is relieved that he can be at least rather sure that she is in no physical pain. After a while, he tries to get her to elaborate a little more: "What did you figure out, darling? Please tell me what has devastated you so much!"
Her words are hardly understandable the way her face is pressed into his chest, but he can make them out anyhow: "I know why you changed." He immediately stops the movements of his hands, the soft circles he has been drawing on her back to calm her. He stops breathing, too, for if she knows that he changed because he wants to be a better man for her and that knowledge has made her desperate and crying her eyes out, then what does that mean for him?
Of course, she notices his shock and the way all his movements stop. It makes her want to take the words back but at the same time she needs to know and so she lifts her head just enough to be able to look at him and while the tears continue to run down her face she asks: "How long?"
He doesn't understand what she is going through. He is totally confused by now and has no way of hiding this and no way of thinking straight, which is why he doesn't ask her to specify but only mumbles "dunno". After a heartbeat he adds: "However long I can make it last, I guess."
He is, of course, talking about how long he is going to keep up his new behavior in order to make her life easier somehow. Eventually getting her to forgive him. She, however, believes he is talking about his life span. If she was pale before, now her face is ghostly white and she is trembling so much that he can literally feel her teeth chattering. "Oh God, Cal! I wish there was something I could do!"
Still, he doesn't understand what has her all worked up like this. Her face shows nothing but anguish and despair. He doesn't know what to say or do, but she seems to be waiting for him to continue their conversation, so he finally settles on: "Love, if you can just stop crying and tearing yourself apart, you will make me feel a lot better already!"
After the moment it takes her to progress that demand, an additional emotion invades her face: shame. She almost jumps off the couch, shaking her head and heading for the kitchen with unsteady steps. "I am sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Cal! So very sorry…"
He is startled by her actions and only manages to interrupt her after another couple of apologies have been uttered by her: "Gill, what on earth is wrong? I don't understand anything!"
She stares at him teary eyed but no longer crying. Her willpower finally getting the upper hand. He didn't come here to listen to her complaining about his imminent death. He didn't come here to dry her tears and help her mend her broken heart – which will be impossible anyhow. He isn't supposed to feel even worse about dying than he probably already is. "I shouldn't have broken down. Least of all in front of you. I… I just couldn't help it. I am sorry. I promise, I will stay strong now. You… you shouldn't have to worry about me on top of everything."
If she used to be his blind spot before, now, she is more like totally unknown territory. He looks at her and tries his best to figure her out but he fails miserably. They are both standing in the kitchen now, Gillian reaching for two glasses and some water when he asks: "Gillian, please, tell me! What are you apologizing for?"
She is sniffing and doesn't look up when she replies: "Ruining your day. Who knows how many more you have got?" He keeps staring at her, not knowing what to make of her words until, finally, she elaborates: "I am the one who should be strong for you. No matter how much it kills me that you are dying…"
And just like that everything falls into place: He is stunned but suddenly understands where she is coming from and his arms encircle her almost on their own account. She didn't know she had any tears left, but apparently she does, for she is crying once more while holding on to him as hard as she possibly can.
He needs to make her understand though and as quickly as possible for that matter. He can't have her crying on his account! And for nothing on top of that! "Gillian! Gill, please, love, look at me!" He gently pushes her trembling body a little away and cradles her face in his hands. Once her blurred focus is on him, he says: "Now, listen closely, Gill!" He takes a deep breath. "You are wrong." She tries to move away, upset that he doesn't want her to apologize anymore that he doesn't seem to understand that she will only need a little more time and then she will be there for him. All the way.
"Gillian, don't turn away!" He holds on to her with his strong arms, one of them now gently grabbing her right forearm. "I am NOT dying! Do you understand me? I don't have cancer or anything. I am alright…"
She stares at him. Disbelief clearly written in her eyes. "Look at my face, love! It's the truth I'm telling you!"
For several long moments she just continues gazing into his eyes. Then, finally, she understands and it turns out to be too much for her to handle. She faints and Cal can just react quickly enough to collect her in his arms and gently put her down on her couch once more.