Somebody review please. It feels like I'm throwing writing into a void.
I looked at Edward confused. "She, she, she wants me to move to Jacksonville?" I needed to sit down now, forget the chair, I sat on the floor with the wall as a backrest.
I don't know Renee. Not really. There were pictures of her around the house but if she knocked on the door there was no guarantee I'd even recognize her. I've said it before. Something was protecting me from the trauma, from the grief, even from the loneliness but sometimes little bits leaked through like now. Back in Lexi land I was an only child but I had a loving mother and father. I had friends. More friends than just Julia though she's the only one I've mentioned. I had extended family. I also had the physical things you get attached to like a home, favourite toys or cloths, things I liked to do, places I liked to go. I should miss it all more. The thought of having it done to me again, being forcibly uprooted from everything and everyone I knew, I couldn't bear it for a moment. At least here there was a sort of familiar story around me. Who was Renee? What did I know about Jacksonville? Renee in the book was so loosely defined. She'd been flakey but loving, maybe? Bella never really seemed to miss her. She seemed kind of annoyed when life forced her to reconnect with her and happy enough to leave her forever to live with vampires. Bella lived with her Dad for maybe two years in the story hiding from him and ignoring him most of the time and she seemed to miss him more. I needed to play my violin. I needed to play it right now or maybe I didn't and that was sort of my equivalent of bursting into tears, flying off into a rage, grieving a far away life.
My fingers flicked through the chords and notes of the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
"Are you okay?" asked Edward.
"I feel a little like a ping pong ball being swatted about. She didn't let me get a word in edgewise other than, "Hello Swan residence." You don't think Charlie um.. You know, has been planning that with her?" I didn't like the look on Edward's face. One read through the book and I could guess what he was thinking. He could save me from his monstrous self by shipping me off to my mother. At this particular point he'd saved my life twice and conscripted his entire family to help me get better when I'd fallen sick letting most of them get attached to me. He watched over me most nights. He'd spent his entire day helping me study. Did this idiot need a self esteem whacking stick?
"I'd rather stay here with you and Charlie, you know."
"I find I can't stay away from you. You shouldn't want to stay with me. I'm no good for you Bella."
"Why exactly is that? I think you're pretty awesome."
… the idiot took me for a romantic walk in the woods high above the cloud line, sunshine meadow, let's try and scare away the human girl that I'm in love with. Emotionally exhausted I just let myself cling to the fun bits.
"SPARKLES! Edward, Pretty! I wanna be a vampire too! I wanna twinkle. Oh wait no. Horrible diet. I don't want to eat Bambi. Do it again, stand in the sun and this time twirl!" Okay I might have behaved in a manner that was a bit emasculating.
He tried to explain how he could chow down on me at super speed. He uprooted a tree because he was so strong and scary and obviously a terrible, terrible threat to me.
"Is it wrong that I find all this stuff that you insist is super scary kind of fun? The piggyback ride with you was like the most awesome roller coaster ever. You must be this tall to ride this ride. Edward, you seem a little confused about the difference between what you are and who you are. Anyone that doesn't love you either doesn't know you or is an idiot; cold hands, warm heart." Slowly, ever so slowly I pulled my stupid vampire into a hug. Standing was better. My head tucked under his chin instead of my neck being at mouth level. I'm not kissing him. I'm Lexi not Bella but the boy needs a hug.
"Number five is not a high enough ranking," he spoke softly. "Bella, I love you."
There it was, the words tied to his actions. "I'm not sure why you feel that way," I admitted. "I have nothing to offer you but the occasional warm hug. I love you but I don't know how that can be enough, how I could ever be enough." I could be a great friend but he wanted something different, something I couldn't and wouldn't give him. My eyes welled with tears but they didn't drop. Maybe he wouldn't smell the salt if the tears didn't escape. I sneezed.
"Lots of pollen in your beautiful meadow," I mumbled.
My respiratory system still had a hair trigger. Even if it was potentially in Edward's nature to explain in lovely detail why he thought Lexi was an okay replacement for Bella I'd have to get used to the disappointment of not knowing.
"Hop up, I'll get you home," he offered.
I hope after all of this he's not still on board with shipping me off to Jacksonville.
"I watched you uproot a tree like a daisy and I'm still worried the piggyback ride is going to wear you out," I admitted.
He laughed. "We're both rather ridiculous I guess. I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish trying to scare you. If I had scared you, what would I have done to get you home safely?"
I fell asleep clinging to his back. I vaguely remember him wordlessly shifting me into a cradle carry but was a little embarrassed and confused to wake up back at Charlie's house on the couch with a blanket tucked over me. The house was vampire free. I played some violin and did a little more studying, tried unsuccessfully to call Charlie; he had no service. I did the dinner thing then did a little more studying.
I made a nest in my closet and went to sleep.
Clickity nails on my window woke me up. I got up to answer the window. Most people have folks knocking on their door. Not me.
"Hello Alice."
"Why have you moved into your closet?"
"Oh it's quite cosy. Come on in. Pull up a cushion." I pulled some glow in the dark stickers out of my desk drawer and passed her a sheet. "As long as we're both awake, let's decorate." I'm pretty sure Alice is the same age as Edward but she just took the proffered stickers and climbed in the closet too.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
"I'd rather live in here than in Jacksonville and I was driving myself up the wall not being able to talk to anyone about it. Charlie's not in cell range. Renee doesn't listen, she's like a snowplough. Everybody out of the way! Renee coming through. Edward was weird after Renee called. He tried his best to scare me away, then he was gone. Wanna live in the closet with me?"
I made a star out of stars. I called it the star squared constellation. Alice was making a glow star mandala.
"You need more clothes in your closet so you'll stop trying to move in here," she answered.
"Shopping therapy?" I asked with a grin.
"Exactly!" she replied enthusiastically.
"How freaked out is Edward anyway?"
"Emmett and Jasper took him hunting when he started yelling at Esme."
"I seem to cause a lot of stress for your family. Sorry."
After we ran out of stars I attacked Alice with a hug. I'm not her singer and I figured she'd see it coming anyway.
"Go to bed and don't forget the oxygen. You won't get better sleeping in your clothing cave," Alice scolded, sounding rather cheerful about being glomped.
"Brain is turned on. No chance of sleeping now. You have wonderful long nails and mine are utilitarian and short trimmed. I'm painting your nails. Do you want them to look like penguins or baby ducks?"
"Oh alright," she agreed with a delighted laugh. "Penguins then, black and white coordinates with everything."
When I started coughing Alice manhandled me into bed and sat on my feet. She tossed the oxygen tubing at me and turned the tank on.
"We're having a proper sleepover when you're feeling better," Alice announced.
"Sounds fun," I agreed, closing my eyes and giving in to exhaustion.
Over the next week I managed the midterms. Edward had prepared me well for Biology. I passed that easily. I passed Spanish only by replaying the day until I was a blue belt in Taekwondo. The Spanish day replays let me finish catching up in reading in English and plan for the essay and projects. Charlie and Renee had been yelling at each other about Jacksonville all week. I didn't want to go. Renee had parental authority according to the divorce agreement, she wanted to force me. Port Angeles, the upcoming court case; Renee was furious and blamed Charlie for everything. Charlie was advocating for me. He listened to what I wanted and needed. I didn't want to uproot again. I couldn't stand the thought of not doing my part to bring that Creep to justice no matter how horrible it would be.
The vampires had been hiding from me all week. Edward hadn't been to school and Alice was avoiding me but I think it was for Edward's sake and not her own choice. She'd been giving me sad looks. They were a close knit family. I'm sure this drama was proof to them that Edward had made a big mistake getting anywhere near me. I drove myself to my Friday check up with Carlilse.
Finally a decent checkup.
"I think my body is healing in spite of itself rather than because I treated it with appropriate care given the week I've had but I am feeling better. Thank you for all your care. Is Edward okay? He's not been to school."
"He's just a little keyed up."
"Is there anything I can do to help? I've tried strangling Renee through the telephone but that doesn't work. Actually, as much as I want to be angry with her, she's just scared. She's acting without regard for my thoughts and feelings. It's a horrible way to treat Charlie too." I knew that what Renee was doing was very similar to what Edward did in book two. It was heavy handed and belittling. The biggest difference was that Twilight Edward had hijacked a bunch of people into acting along with him then closed the lines of communication. Renee was ignoring everyone's opinion but her own.
"I can give you the number for Child Protective Services. They can help with custody issues," suggested Carlisle.
There was a third entity to consider. This decision was pivotal enough that the external power that guided the resets very likely had a desired outcome. I figured there was a very high likelihood that I had tortured nights in my future. I took the proffered number with a sigh. "It feels right now as if everyone would be better off if I never existed. Edward's upset, Charlie's upset, Renee's upset."
Carlisle gave me a bit of a strange look, a mix of concern, alarm, compassion. "You feel right now like it would be better if you didn't exist?" he repeated carefully.
"That's not the sentiment I'm expressing. I feel like the balance of my impact on the world is more negative than positive. I'm not sure how to change that."
"When I was younger I used to feel that way. I tried to take my life," spoke Carlisle. It was an intensely personal confession. He must have been very concerned for me to have told me that. I wasn't sure what to tell him to reassure him.
"I am looking for ways to be less insignificant. I'm very thankful you found what made a difference for you. You make the world a better place Carlisle." I hoped I had said enough. Good grief I'm good at making a mess of things.
He reminded me three times that I had his phone number if I ever just needed to talk and then in an attempt to bring this really too long doctor's visit to a less intense finish I was reminded to exercise, to build up my respiratory strength.
I had no future doctor's visits scheduled. No more 'alright Bella, I'll see you tomorrow or next week or whatever,' phew. I'm officially kinda sorta healthy.
I drove down to La Push to go for a hike in the trails there. I was aware that hiking was a very un-Bella-like activity but if the day resets because I'm being un-Bella-like, I'll never have had that horrible conversation with Carlisle. I fail to see a downside of this hike. I found werewolf prints. I guess Sam has wolfed out now. That probably makes the forest safer or so I thought until I found a pyre with parts of a vampire in it. The head was there. It was a red eyed female with blond hair. Hopefully she could sort of vocalise without being attached to lungs.
"Tell me your name and I may help."
A near airless whisper answered, "Charlotte."
Quick as I could I pulled her pieces out of the pyre, critical bits first. I didn't have time to reassemble. Sam would be back soon. I was at the edge of a cliff. There was a beach below that I could probably access with Big Red.
"Sorry about this Charlotte. I hope this doesn't hurt," I threw her parts off the cliff to the beach below. I was still missing her torso and her right foot. Hiding so the wind would blow my scent away toward the ocean I waited for Sam wolf to return with the rest of her. I hope this was the Charlotte I thought it was. I dialled Alice on the phone. Please pick up.
"Alice! It's Bella, this is really, really important. Describe Jasper's friend Charlotte!"
"Blond, red eyes, petite, looks about 18…"
"Good enough, go as far as you can along Ocean Front Drive. Bring help. Need silence. Turning off the ringer." I hung up. Bella had a shield of some sort. With all my will power I tried to imagine something shield-like pulling down around me. I didn't want to smell. I didn't want to be vulnerable to wolfie teeth. Is that how Bella's shield worked?
A huge black wolf dragging a torso appeared, added it to the pyre then lopping off for the last part. I dragged the torso out of the pyre and was about to toss it off the cliff when I got an idea. I pulled off my shoe and sock and her shirt, tossed her off the cliff and then stuffed her shirt in my shoe and sock to make it look and smell like an escaping leg. When Sam came back with the last part I tossed the fake vampire smelling leg as far as I could in the other direction using the wolf's fetch instinct to buy the time to retrieve Charlotte's real foot then went to throw it off the cliff still holding my imaginary shield around myself.
I remember slipping and falling off the cliff myself but I was so focused on maintaining the shield that my memories of the moment aren't clear. I remember it feeling as if I fell in slow motion and landing with a jarring shock that broke my focus. My shirt was all ripped at the back but from the bottom of the cliff I was close-ish to Big Red so I kept running.
I jumped in the truck and peeled down the gravel beach to where Charlotte lay scattered and tossed her parts into the bed of the truck not assembling them but making sure that I had all the pieces.
When I got to Alice and the other waiting vampires I tumbled out of the truck and away from it tossing my keys to her. "Your problem now." There was a strange vampire with them. He had red eyes and blonde hair. He hopped into the truck bed.
With a bit of a hysterical giggle. I added, "I'm not entirely sure I'm not being chased by a werewolf. Can we please keep moving?"
The vampire family had come on foot or by car as suited them. I ended up in Carlisle's car with Edward and Esme who I think had run. Emmett and Rosalie were in the Jeep, Jasper and I presume Peter were in the bed of Big Red putting Charlotte together. Alice was driving Big Red. I suspect Alice, Jasper and Peter had already been in the vicinity looking for Charlotte because I was a little surprised they only had two of the cars.
"Are you alright?" asked Edward. First things first I supposed.
"I really don't know. Fell off a bit of a cliff. Ran around with one shoe. Adrenaline is running high. I'm sure I'm fine." I was shaking. I kept my eyes peeled back looking for Sam.
"What happened?" - Carlisle.
'What do you mean, you fell off a cliff? How far did you fall?" - Edward.
"Oh Sweetie, are you okay?" - Esme.
Fast talking vampires, talking over each other are hard to understand.
"Went for a hike up the oceanside trail in La Push. Found a vampire in pieces on a pyre all ready to be lit. Asked her, her name. It sounded familiar so…" I took a deep breath, stealing myself to continue.
"I mean, I knew about the werewolf. His huge footprints were all along the trail but they're supposed to be the Quileute protectors so I figured the forest was extra safe. I was also pretty sure if I was interfering with his vampire killing plans that the whole safe concept had pretty much expired." Esme who was sitting in the back with me took my hand trying to get me to stop shaking.
"See the wolf, it kind of only had its mouth to use as a hand so it was bringing Charlotte pieces one at a time. I figured he'd shift and light the fire as soon as he had the last piece so I stole her shirt and made a fake foot with it and my shoe and sock so it would look and smell like one of the vampire pieces was escaping. I used that as a decoy to grab the last real piece. Obviously, I don't run faster than a wolf so I had been tossing Charlotte over a cliff to put some distance between us and the wolf. I klutzed out and fell with the last piece," I admitted blinking a little too much to try and stop myself from crying.
"Really, super lucky landing. That was quite the fall. Oh and somewhere in there I called for help. Then I loaded the truck and you know the rest."
My vampires were speechless. It was making me nervous so I kept babbling. "I mean I assumed she could go back together because all her parts were moving or are there going to be seven small vampires running around now or did I just do something totally weird and random that was dangerous and a complete waste of time and energy and she's going to die anyway? I thought you said you were invincible to anything but fire." Enough had been different that maybe book Twilight vampire mechanics were different?
"Charlotte is a friend of the family and you saved her life. She'll be fine," Carlisle reassured.
"There won't be seven mini vampires, just one. But Bella, you completely did 'do something totally weird and random, that was dangerous'. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be alive?" Edward asked.
"Eighty foot cliff, very, very lucky," I replied with a slightly hysterical giggle.
"How, why do you get yourself into situations like this?" Edward asked. "Who goes for a walk and randomly runs into the things you run into?"
"I suspect some higher power likes messing with me. I thought I was being smart. The Chief said to stay out of the woods near town because hikers keep going missing so I went to La Push figuring it would be safer."
"Because werewolves are safer?" Edward asked, his tone a little high pitched and harsh.
"Dad goes fishing in La Push every other weekend. I think this time I just had too much information to not end up in the thick of things. I mean because I know it's not a real wolf with paws the size of dinner plates, I keep going when someone else would have turned around. It's probably even one of dad's friends out running round the woods having fun, keeping things safe. Then things happened."
"You are so painfully naive," Edward snapped.
"Name calling won't help," I defended.
"She won't stop shaking Carlisle," Esme fussed.
Carlisle turned up the heat. I don't think he'd ever run the heat in the car before. It smelt a little like dust was burning. "She's in shock. When we get back to the house I'll need to take a look at you. With that fall you're likely hurt and aren't even feeling it yet."
Edward was stressed so he did what he normally does. "How could you be so stupid! You could have been killed. By all rights you should have been killed. You see a strange vampire and you think oh, there's a new friend. Who does that? You understand what vampires eat don't you? You idiot!"
A girl can only be called a stupid idiot so many times before losing her temper. "Yes, yes, I'm a stupid idiot. We've covered that before. How about you stop worshipping Brahm Stoker and come to your senses and realise that you're not a vampire, you're a human that's been infected with vampirism and as such have every right to be treated with kindness and compassion and very likely so does Charlotte. I'm not positive about this because I've never read the stupid Dracula book but I'm pretty sure it's about someone who chose the darkside not someone who ended up with a bloodborne infection that makes it really, really hard to make food choices that align with their morals. I'm not listening to the, 'Oh Bella I'm a monster,' speech for another three days straight! You're a person. Charlotte's a person. That monster in Port Angeles is a person. Evil isn't about what you are, it's about who you are."
"I've killed people before Bella," Edward confessed. "Charlotte still does."
"But you stopped and just for the record, I'm expecting you to keep holding yourself to that new standard," I answered. "As for Charlotte, a disembodied head was unlikely to do much biting and I am neither judge, jury, nor executioner."
"Sorry Esme, Carlisle. I think I just had some shouting to get out of my system," I whispered suddenly embarrassed.
Esme pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. "It's alright dove."
I think Esme and Carlisle were thinking some pretty serious thoughts at Edward because his jaw clenched tight and he was scowling furiously.
We pulled up at what I assumed was their house. Esme tried to help me out of the car but my legs turned to jello when I tried to stand and everything greyed out.