Disclaimer: I really hope this chapter is not offensive to LGBT people. I don't have any intention to offend or hurt anyone, just a terrible sense of humor, and I worry that sometimes it gets too far. So, if at some point it gets offensive, please let me know (also, any suggestions on how to fix any problematic parts would be welcome).

Dr. Katakitchen

Sirius and Snape were wandering aimlessly for quite a few hours. The sun started to climb up and then hid behind some clouds. The shops opened, one after another and the streets filled up with people.

"Do you even know what we're doing here?" Said Snape, clearly pissed off.

"Well… searching for the guy with the key. But of course, you already knew that, right?"

Snape gritted his teeth and did not respond. And then, all of a sudden, "POTTER!" He screamed.

Harry and Ron froze in their tracks. They had snuck out of Hogwarts and were eyeing up the broomsticks in the shop window of Broomstore.

"Professor Snape!?" Ron's breath was taken away. "Oh, we're dead! Or worse, expelled!"

"You hang out too much with Hermione." Harry noticed and then turned all happy towards his godfather. "Sirius! What's up?"

"Hey Harry." Sirius hugged him. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, you know…" Harry nodded towards the broomsticks.

"Oh, you're just like your father!" Said Sirius, overflowing with pride.

"I'm going to throw up. Again." Said Snape.

"So, what are you doing here?" Asked Harry, ignoring Snape.

"It's a top-secret mission for the Order of the Phoenix!" Said Snape.

"We're searching for a guy with a key." Said Sirius while smiling at the children.

"Hey, maybe they mean the painter." Said Ron.

"Oh yeah." Said Harry. "Two blocks away is a wandering painter. His name is Le Cle. Antoine Le Cle. He's French."

"Le Cle!" Said Sirius and Snape in unison and then looked at each other.

"Le Cle means The Key in French!" Said Sirius.

"No shit Sherlock." Responded Snape.

"And just how often do wandering painters come to Diagon Alley?" Said Harry.

"He's the man. Move." Said Snape.

"Wait a minute." Said Sirius. "Won't you reward Gryffindor with a few points for the valuable help?"

"They should be grateful I don't take any points away! They broke the rules after all! So, let's say that their reward is my clemency! And they didn't help us! I already knew our guy was a French painter. Dumbledore told me! Didn't he tell you?"

"He did!" Sirius growled. He then said goodbye to Harry, and they moved on.

Two blocks away, they found the painter drawing Hermione. As soon as the girl saw Snape she jumped up from fear. "Professor Snape! I didn't-"

"Do not move mademoiselle!" The painter screamed dramatically.

Snape sighed, indignant that yet another student was away from school, but he did not react further.

"Hello Hermione." Said Sirius happily.

Hermione looked at them dumbfounded, first Snape then Sirius, without knowing what to do. Pretend that nothing is wrong, or run for her life?

"Mademoiselle! S'il vous plait! Sit down still!" The painter screamed, brandishing his paintbrush.

Hermione stayed at her spot after all.

Sirius and Snape approached the painter.

"Are you Antoine Le Cle?" Sirius asked.

"Oui."

"We are here for… you know… le cle?" Said Sirius

"Oui. Le Cle, c'est moi, Antoine Le Cle."

"Uh no… you don't get it. We want le cle!" Said Snape.

"Mais c'est moi! Antoine Le Cle!"

"Change of plans Snivelus." Whispered Sirius and pulled Snape aside. "Listen, we'll distract him. I'll ask him to make my portrait and you will search his things and take the key!"

"And why should he do your portrait and not mine?"

"Because I am the handsome one! You were always the greasy geek."

"No! I was the gorgeous greasy geek! Why do you forget to mention the 'gorgeous'?" Snape remonstrated.

"Who on earth ever called you gorgeous?" asked Sirius in disbelief.

"My grandma!"

"The blind one?"

"She was not blind!" Snape shouted. "She only had thirteen points of myopia! And glaucoma. And fifteen points of presbyopia. And-"

"I don't care." Sirius interrupted him. "I'm the hot one, so it will be my portrait!"

"Or you're just bored and want to do the easy work! Sitting and lazing around while I risk my life searching in Le Cle's things!"

"Are you calling me a coward, Snivelus?" Sirius drew his wand.

"I don't know, maybe!" Snape drew his own wand. But in that moment, he saw Hermione getting up, paying the painter and leaving with her portrait. So, he ran towards the painter before anyone else could get to him, Sirius following close behind.

"I want you to draw my portrait!" Said Snape.

"Oh! Moi, I draw only women."

"But he's a woman!" Sirius said before Snape could respond. "He's a woman, at heart! You'd draw a trans-woman, right?"

"A trans-femme?! Mais oui! But these clothes… they are hideous! And if she's a lady, why isn't she dressed like a lady?"

"Eh you know, here in London society is kind of close-minded. But hey, Snivellina, why aren't you wearing those gorgeous clothes you've got? So that the artist can draw you."

Snape looked at Black with hatred in his eyes. "What-" he said through his teeth, but Sirius cut him off.

"You know, that green dress, the red handbag, the hat with the vulture…" Sirius continued with a smirk. "Remus told me you looked gorgeous!"

If looks could kill, Sirius would be dead by now.

"No!" Said Snape.

"Ah if the lady says no…" Said Antoine Le Cle.

"Then draw her like one of your French girls!" Said Sirius.

The painter smiled and looked at Snape with a look that said that he found that proposal very interesting.

Half an hour later Snape was wearing a dress and was posing, while Sirius, in dog form, was searching through Le Cle's things. Sirius soon found a keyring full of keys. Despite that, instead of reverting back to human form and giving Snape the signal like they agreed, he decided to wait until the painter had finished Snape's portrait. After seeing Le Cle paint the final stroke, he hid in an alley, turned back to human form and began waving at Snape. Unfortunately, Le Cle saw him first.

"Madame, your portrait is ready." Said Le Cle as he approached Snape to give him the picture. "And I think your husband needs you for something." He continued, nodding towards Sirius, who was waving half-hidden in the alleyway a bit further.

"Who?!" Said Snape, and turned to face the way Le Cle was pointing towards. His eyes narrowed with hatred.

"Ten sickles." Said Le Cle and gave the portrait to Snape.

An unholy idea crossed Snape's mind about how to get revenge on Black for such humiliation.

"Oh, but I'm just a housewife." Said Snape, making his voice as high-pitched as he possibly could. "My husband has all the money." And he waved for Sirius to come closer.

Sirius approached, puzzled.

"My love," Said Snape, spitting that word in disgust, "pay the nice man."

"But my love, you have my wallet. It's all in your handbag, remember?"

"No, my love, you kept it in your pocket." Said Snape, more aggressively than he meant to.

"Yes, I did, but after you lowered my pants so you could suck me off, the wallet fell out of my pocket, and you decided to keep it in your bag for safety."

"That's it, you're dead Black!" And Snape began hitting Black on the head using the portrait, until the canvas was ripped, at which point he put it around Black's neck like a collar.

"Mon Dieu! Do not destroy such a beautiful painting!" Screamed Le Cle as he tried to restrain Snape. But Snape was far too angry to comply and responded with an elbow that caught Le Cle on the nose.

"Damn it Snivelus!" said Sirius as he tore the painting off of him, causing it to break apart into pieces. He then grabbed one of the wooden sticks that once comprised the frame of the picture and whacked Snape on the head with it.

Le Cle spoke up once again: "What are you doing, striking a lady!?"

"Go fuck yourself already!" Shouted Sirius and Snape in unison and continued fighting.

Le Cle looked at them in shock. "You two barbarians better listen to me well. I demand to be paid for the work I did, as well as for the mental and physical damage you two have caused me! Otherwise, I'm calling the aurors and I will report you to the Feminist Wizards as well!"

The threat was enough to make Snape and Sirius stop fighting each other and instead turn on Le Cle.

"You want us to pay you too, you, talentless squib!" Screamed Snape. "I'll stick your paintbrushes where the sun doesn't shine!"

"Easy, Snivelus." Said Sirius and restrained Snape. "We're not muggles, we have magic." He said as he drew his wand. "Cumius Infinitus!"

Le Cle cried out a scream of ecstasy, as a massive wankstain began forming in between his legs. The wankstain kept growing until it eventually started to drip.

"What the fuck did you do to him?" Asked Snape.

"Oh, it's a spell that makes you cum until you pass out. My invention." Said Sirius proudly and thought to himself that the month he had spent in Hogwarts' recovery room when he was thirteen was worth it.

"Fair enough." Responded Snape. "Did you get what we needed?"

"Of course, I did."

"Okay let's go then." Said Snape and, using a spell, turned his outfit back to his usual black cloak.

They left, abandoning Le Cle in a puddle of cum amongst the disgusted and shocked crowd.

A little while later, Sirius and Snape had found themselves sitting at an isolated table in the Leaky Cauldron. They were drinking butterbeer and examining the key-ring. There were seven keys. Which one was the one they needed? They were both staring at the keys in silence. Neither one of them wanted to admit that they had no idea what they should do. So, they pretended to be thinking.