Author's note: Happy 20 years of Drake & Josh and the Schneiderverse!

Episode 11: Chapter Eleven

[The screen square intro]

"Money has been a strange subject in my life," Josh said.

"Money is great because you can buy stuff with it," Drake said.

"My dad's a weatherman and he makes a decent salary, I think," said Josh.

"I'm gonna be rich when my album comes out. My song is already making me money," said Drake.

"Good thing we got forgiven on the damages to that helicopter," Josh said.

Drake strummed his guitar.

"I don't know how much money my family has, and I don't know how I feel about that," said Josh.

"I had a normal-sized house when I was a little kid, then boom! We moved into a bigger one. This one," Drake said.

"I also moved from a normal-sized house into this big one," Josh said. "I wonder where my new mom gets all this money."

"I wanna move to an even bigger house to get away from pesky siblings," Drake said.

Josh walked out of his square and into Drake's.

"I mean Megan," Drake said.

Josh walked out of the frame and Drake winked.

[Screen square intro ends]

Josh was sitting on the couch in the front room. Audrey walked up to him.

"Josh, honey, would you like a glass of milk?" she asked.

"Sure," Josh said.

His stepmother handed him a glass of milk and he started sipping from it. Megan came walking into the room holding a credit card.

"Thanks, Mom," Josh said, as Megan hastily put the credit card in her shirt.

"I'm not your mother," Audrey said.

"Huh?" Josh vocalized.

"I am your stepmother," she corrected.

"Whatever. That's close enough," Josh said.

In the background, Megan walked to another part of the room. Audrey picked up a catalogue called "Generic Items for the Woman with no Personality", and started reading it.

Is my life boring or bizarre? Josh thought to himself.

"This man-made product looks very good. I think I may want to buy one, because I like these kinds of objects." Audrey said.

She then started fingering through her pockets.

"Where is my credit card?" she said aloud.

Megan took Audrey's credit card out of her shirt and threw it at her mother. It hit her square in the back of the neck.

"Ow," she said emotionlessly, before bending down to the floor and picking the card up.

Then, she walked towards the kitchen table, picked up an envelope, opened it, and read aloud.

"'Dear Mrs. Parker-Nichols, we have reviewed your purchasing history and found that you have no right to even have a credit card. Below is a small list of reasons why you shouldn't'," Audrey read as the paper unfurled itself down to the floor.

Josh had wide eyes as he finished his milk.

[Intro song]

Well, I never thought it would be so simple but

I found a way, I found a way

And if you open up your mind

(See what's inside)

It's gonna take some time to realign

Over your shoulder, you know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up when you're down

So just turn around

Hoo!

Drake was sitting in his room, holding an album in his hands.

"This is gold," he said. "Pantera. This is the metal band everyone keeps talking about, and I'm finally gonna check them out."

Just then, Josh walked into the room.

"Drake, Drake, I've got something important to tell you," Josh said.

"Leave me alone," Drake said.

"But it's important!" Josh pleaded.

"Whatever. It can wait until we're done."

"'We'?" Josh asked.

"Me and Pantera," Drake elaborated.

"Your new girlfriend has a weird name," Josh said.

"What's so weird about Kelly?" Drake asked, the conversation having already derailed.

"I was talking about Pantera," Josh said.

"Pantera's not my girlfriend," Drake said. "It's, like, four people, and they're all men."

"What are you talking about?" Josh asked.

"The band I want to listen to, duh!" Drake said.

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

Drake shrugged and Josh left the room. Drake then opened up the album case, which was revealed to be Vulgar Display of Power. He put the disc in his plug-in CD player.

"This is gonna be great," Drake said excitedly.

The riff of the song Mouth for War started playing, and Drake began to jump up and down. The scene shifted to a few minutes later when Drake was playing his unplugged electric guitar and jumping around to a later song.

"YOU'RE MAKING US ... FREAKING!... FREAKING!... FREAKING HOSTILE!" shouted a voice actor with a good Phil Anselmo impression.

Drake threw his guitar in the air, excitedly. He said "Oh!" when he saw it hit the wall and break. He walked sadly towards the door.

"Mom! I'm gonna need you to give me some money again," he called.

Josh appeared at the doorway and said "I think Mom's out of money".

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" said Drake.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were now in the living room.

"Do you think this is bad?" Drake asked his stepbrother.

"I'm not sure. I don't know much."

"Well, what do you know?" Drake asked.

"Mom got a letter saying that she wasn't allowed to use her credit card anymore because of a number of weird purchases."

"What do you think Mom's been buying? Is she hoarding cool stuff for herself in secret?" Drake asked.

"I think we might have something to do with it," Josh responded.

"I know you don't mean this, but it sounds like you're saying we cause so much damage..." Drake began.

"That's exactly what I mean, idiot!" Josh shouted.

"Woah, just take it easy, man," Drake said.

"We need to do something to stop the havoc we're wreaking," said Josh.

"Just wash your hammock, then," Drake replied.

Josh looked at him annoyedly.

"I mean, we need to not do anymore wacky stuff."

"How are we gonna do that?" Drake asked.

"I really don't know," Josh said truthfully.

"We need a plan," said Drake.

"We need to stop fighting," said Josh as Drake said "We need to stop doing things together".

"What?" both shouted. "But things always turn out bad when we..."

Josh then said "fight" while Drake said "do stuff together".

"Yeah, I see your point," they both said.

"You come up with your plan, and I'll come up with mine," Josh said.

Drake nodded. Just then, some tear gas cannisters landed in front of them and exploded. The explosions were accompanied with girlish laughter.

"What did that scientist inject into her?" Josh said, batting the gas away.

"He didn't inject anything in. He took some of her blood out," Drake said, moving his head away from the gas.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was lifting up couch cushions looking for things.

"There's gotta be some money in here or something," he said aloud.

He then looked under the couch and smiled broadly. He pulled out a jar full of coins.

"This has got to be good," he said, before his smile faded. "And they're all pennies. Why do we have a jar full of pennies under the couch?"

Drake sat on his bed in his room.

"I should call it 'The Awesome Drake Parker'. No, how about 'Drake Parker the Amazing'?"

He picked up a pen and paper.

"The album cover is going to be small and have four sides. And it's going to be a square and have a picture on the front. I'm so creative."

Downstairs, Josh was writing on another piece of paper.

"Dear Mom," he read aloud. "I am leaving you this note for when you come back from wherever you and Dad go before funny stuff happens. I know you aren't don't [sic] have a credit card anymore, and I know Drake and I cause problems. I'm going to try to make it up to you by raising some money to help pay for the damages."

Drake was still in his room. He was strumming on his acoustic guitar playing Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden.

"White men came across the the sea. He brought us Spain and Missouri. He killed our trikes, he killed our creek. He took our games for his own need," sang Drake, getting the lyrics wrong. "I like that song. It always makes me feel good."

Josh walked into the room. He started looking around on the floor.

"What's up? We're not supposed to hang out together, remember?" Drake said.

"We'll probably have to curtail that when we go to bed," Josh replied.

"What does that mean?" Drake asked.

"It means we're supposed to... never mind."

"I understand now," Drake said.

Josh picked up Drake's CD player.

"How much would this sell for?" he asked.

"Don't sell it, man. I want it!" Drake said.

"Well, I'm trying to make Mom be financially safe again," Josh said.

"Just wait until my album comes out," Drake said.

Josh looked as though he had had an epiphany.

"Perhaps there's another sibling who might be to blame, too," he said.

"A sibling's a brother or sister, right?" Drake said, remembering what Mrs. Hayfer had told him.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was in the living room with a large pile of objects, such as baseball bats, pillows, and clothes. Walter then walked onto screen.

"Dad, I didn't see you there," Josh said.

"Why do you have a pile of stuff on the floor?" Walter asked.

"I'm thinking of selling it and other stuff, too."

"Why?"

"Because Mom got a letter that said she's not allowed to use her credit card anymore," Josh responded.

"Oh, you heard about that," Walter said. "I just don't know where all those purchases came from. We have no use for an electric cattle prod."

Josh looked at him confusedly.

"Do you think any of those purchases are because Drake and I get into...?" Josh began.

"Yes, yes, definitely yes," Walter replied.

Josh looked slightly perturbed.

"You and Drake have 'acted out' a lot since you two moved in together some amount of time ago."

"Some of that hasn't been our fault," Josh said.

"I keep hearing laughter from nowhere," Walter said. "Do you ever hear it too?"

"Yeah," Josh said.

"So, anyway. It's time for me to go back to who knows where. I hope Bruce Winchell doesn't beat me at the whatever it is contest again," Walter said.

"Tell Mom about my plan," Josh said, as Walter walked offscreen.

"There's got to be more stuff in the house to sell. I should check Megan's room. We can get her back for the weapons she bought," Josh said aloud.

The camera cut to Drake, who was playing his own song "Makes me Happy" in his room on an acoustic guitar.

"I think I'll stick to pop rock for my albums. I'd earn more money that way," he said.

He lay down on his bed.

"I got a hit song, so I'm just gonna let the money roll in," he said.

Drake got up from his bed and said "I don't know where I keep my money."

[Arrow transition]

Josh was standing on a curb in front of a table. The table had the pile of things on it. The pile was bigger now.

"Does anybody want this stuff?" he asked.

People just passed him by.

"Come on, you can get a really good deal on it!" he insisted.

No one responded.

"Fiddlesticks!" Josh said. "I gotta keep trying."

The contents of a bottle on the table burst into flames.

"Dang it, Megan! Why do you always do this?" Josh said, picking up the Molotov cocktail and putting it in a nearby trash can.

A trash fire formed. A pedestrian came into view.

"Excuse me, sir, but do you want to buy a portable air conditioner?" Josh asked him.

"Lose off, buzzer!" the man shouted and walked away.

"You said that wrong!" Josh called after him.

Josh looked exasperated. Another pedestrian walked into view.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but do you want to buy a portable air conditioner?" Josh asked.

"Yes. I would like it. How much is it for?" the woman asked.

"Eighty dollars," Josh said.

"I'll take it," she replied.

They exchanged the product.

"This is a very strange hair conditioner," she said, putting the device on top of her head and walking away.

"I have a total of $140," Josh said. "I'll go home and then I'll come back here tomorrow. Three siblings can do a lot of damage."

"Don't talk to yourself," said a third pedestrian.

He was wearing a t-shirt that said "FEET AND PEE ARE HILARIOUS". The man then said, "Dear God! The trash can's on fire. Someone call the fire department!"

Some smoke billowed into the sky from the garbage can.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was sitting on the couch in the living room. He turned on the television. Josh walked into view.

"Hey, what have you done about the money situation?" Josh asked.

"Every time someone turns on the TV someone else starts talking!" Drake said, annoyed, as he turned the TV off.

"Sorry," said Josh. "What have you done with the money thing?"

"I've got a great plan. Better than yours," Drake said.

"What is it?" Josh asked his stepbrother.

"Wait," Drake said simply.

"Why don't you just tell me now?" Josh asked.

"No, I'm telling you that my plan is waiting," Drake said.

"What good is that gonna do?" asked Josh.

"The check is about to come in."

"What check?"

"I have a hit song now and I'm getting money from it. And you're gonna get a check, too, 'cause you're my manager," Drake said.

"That's great!" said Josh. "How long since your song was in the Super Bowl?"

"I don't know. Aren't they usually in the fall?" Drake said.

The scene shifted to that same room but later.

"I wish we were in a sitcom so a disembodied hand can get the mail for us," Josh said.

"Well, we're not in a sitcom," Drake said.

The laugh track blared extremely loudly, shocking viewers of the show.

"I don't know when the mail's gonna come in," Drake said.

Just then, there was the sound of a slamming door, and a mailman appeared onscreen. He screamed and tossed two envelopes at the boys. He then ran out, while the soundtrack played Please, Mr. Postman.

"What was that?" Josh said.

Drake opened one envelope.

"To Jarrod Drake Parker," he read aloud. "Something Somethingth, Two thousand something. Eight hundred dollars."

Josh opened the other envelope.

"Four hundred dollars," he said.

The two boys looked happy, but Drake looked happier than Josh.

[Arrow transition]

Drake and Josh were in their room sitting on the couch. They looked satisfied.

"How long have we been living together?" Josh asked.

"I have no clue," Drake said.

"And how often are we going to get these checks?"

"I don't know either," replied Drake.

"But still we got the money," Josh said excitedly.

"Yes!" Drake said excitedly.

They both pulled out sodas from offscreen and started sipping. Megan then walked into the room.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the small arms consumer herself," Josh said defiantly.

"She's a cat nipple?" Drake said, alarmed.

"She buys weapons," Josh explained.

"So what if I do?" Megan said.

"Well, that's... bad," Josh said.

"That comeback was so lame," Drake replied.

"Do you know what you did?" Josh asked.

"Which time?" Megan replied.

"You spent so much money on weird stuff that Mom's credit card got cancelled," said Josh.

"You did that yourself, you boobs," Megan said.

"We only did part of it," Drake said.

"I have big plans for the future," Megan said proudly.

"We'll try to stop you," Drake said.

Megan skipped out of the room, grinning widely.

"You've still got the checks, right?" Drake asked.

The boys reached into their pockets, pulled out the checks, and breathed a sigh of relief.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were in the kitchen.

"I hope Mom and Walter come back soon, so I can give them the checks," Drake said.

"Can any sound even enter this kitchen?" Josh wondered aloud.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Drake asked.

Josh walked into the living room and stood in front of the counter.

"Can you hear me?" Josh said into the small window.

"What are you saying?" said Drake, but Josh didn't seem to hear it.

"Good to see you, boys," came Walter's voice from across the screen.

Josh turned to him and asked "Where have you been?"

"I don't know," Walter said.

Drake walked into the living room and looked shocked.

"Walter? When did you get here?"

Audrey then walked in from the other side of the screen.

"Where are all you people coming from?" Drake said.

"I think we have something to give her," Josh reminded.

They both reached into their pockets and pulled out the checks.

"We're gonna cash these in to give them to you," Josh said, while Drake looked uncertain.

"Oh, thank you! I'm flattered," said Audrey. "But you don't need to."

"Haeh?" Josh said.

"I just got a credit card from a new company. They don't look at your history when you have as much money as me," Audrey said.

"How did you get so much money?" Josh asked.

"I bought some stock in Macrohard Computers in 1990 and took it out in 1999. But where did you get so much money?"

"I have a hit song and Josh is my manager," Drake said. "From now on, these checks will be coming in regularly."

The camera then cut to Megan, who was grinning broadly.

[Credits scene]

A teacher spoke to his class of high school students.

"As if my angina wasn't bad enough," he said. "I banged my wenis on a futtock."

The class was silent. The teacher dropped his marker and said "Chizz!".

The class burst into laughter.