Episode 12: The Film
[Screen square intro]
"I may not be the best with other people," Josh said.
"I love my stepbrother, but he's a loser," said Drake.
"I think I'm good with planning, though," Josh said.
"He never knows what to say around people," Drake said.
"I've actually gotten myself a steady job," said Josh.
"I don't need to work at some dumb movie theater, but he thinks he does."
"But it won't be forever," Josh said.
"I'm about to be a superstar!" Drake said, cheerfully.
"I don't know if Drake's music is going to take off..." Josh began.
"My music is going to take off," said Drake.
"But it'll make us some money," said Josh.
"It's gonna make me a lot of money," Drake said.
"So, I'm probably going to quit my job when the album comes out,"
"Helen's always nice to me, so I think it must be Josh's fault," Drake said.
"That tears it!" shouted Josh as he rushed into Drake's square and slapped him.
[Screen square intro ends]
The Premier is visible onscreen. The movies on the sign are "THIS FRANCHISE", "IS GOING TO PRODUCE", "ONE OF THE MOST", "TALENTED", "PICKLE LOBSTER SUNDAY," and "POP STARS EVER".
Inside, Josh was standing beside the counter. A customer was in front of him.
"I would like a two liter bottle of popcorn and an extra large tub of soda," the customer said.
"Coming right up," Josh replied.
He dispensed popcorn out of the machine and into the tub while the customer looked offended. Josh handed him the popcorn and said "Here you go."
"No, idiot boy," the man said, looking scandalized. "I wanted the soda in the tub and the popcorn in a bottle, you moronic simpleton."
He smacked the tub out of Josh's hand, strewing popcorn over the counter and floor. The man then somersaulted offscreen.
"I'll help you clean it up," said Mindy, walking over to him.
"Thank you," said Josh, as they both bent down and picked up popcorn.
Drake walked to the counter and said "Hello, Girl-dragon".
"Hello, Impulsive School Failure," Mindy replied.
Helen appeared onscreen.
"Attention, everyone," she said. "In two days the Premiere Theater will be screening the movie Holy Energy Alliance. We will be showing it to Muhammad al-Akbar, the diplomat from Saudi Arabia, who will be in the theater."
The whole time she was saying this, she never took her eyes off Drake.
Josh stood up.
"There's gonna be a diplomat coming here?" he asked.
"Get back picking up that popcorn," Helen demanded.
"Is a diplomat like a welcome matt?" Drake asked.
"No, idiot," Mindy snapped.
"Hey, watch it. I have a number one song," Drake replied.
"You don't have as many hits as I do," said Gavin, who looks like Steve Perry from Journey.
Josh and Mindy went back to picking popcorn off the floor.
"I used my wits and my fists to get a copy of the film before it was even realeased on DVD," said Crazy Steve.
"I thought that movie was two years old," Helen said.
"ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG?" roared Steve.
[Intro song]
I never thought it would be so simple but,
I found a way, I found a way
And if you open up your mind
(See what's inside)
It's gonna take some time to realign
Over your shoulder, you know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up when you're down
So just turn around
Hoo!
Drake was on the couch in the front room. Megan was standing in front of him.
"Hey, Megan. Get me a soda," Drake said.
"I can't. I'm not here anymore," his sister said.
"I can see you right there," Drake countered.
"You need to let go of the past and accept loss," said Megan.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's time to move on. I've been gone for weeks," Megan said.
Drake looked confused, got off the couch, and walked away. Megan sat herself on the couch.
"I'm gonna get him so good," said Megan.
Drake returned with the soda. Megan jumped back off the couch.
"You are a very weird child, you know that?" Drake said.
"Maybe if you visit my grave, you'll have closure."
Drake rolled his eyes.
"Hey, Drake!" came Josh's voice.
Megan rushed offscreen just before Josh appeared.
"I have great news, Drake."
"The school burned down?" Drake asked excitedly.
"No," Josh said, confused. "The Premiere is gonna be screening a movie based on my favorite game."
"How would they even make a movie about Bingo?" Drake asked.
"No. It's about the fifth game in the TMS series. Techno Magical Smackdown 3: Holy Energy Alliance. The diplomat from Saudi Arabia is going to watch it," Josh said excitedly.
"Is that in New Hampshire?" Drake asked.
"Uh... no. The game it's based on is awesome. My favorite part is where Muhammad beheads Zeus with a missile launcher, and then Zeus' head shoots him with a laser gun while the Tao watches."
"I don't know what you just said, but it sounds awesome." Drake said.
"That Saudi guy is in for a nice surprise," said Josh.
"Have you seen Megan hanging around?"
"You're always worrying about Megan. Let it go for once," Josh said.
Drake looked disconcerted.
[Arrow transition]
We see the Premier again. The names on the front are "MOVIE ONE", "MOVIE TWO", "MOVIE THREE", "MOVIE FOUR", "MOVIE FIVE", and "SHREK".
"It won't be long now," Mindy said.
Helen poured a bucket of popcorn on the floor.
"Josh, I need you to clean that up," she said.
"Yes, ma'am," Josh said, resignedly.
"I'm making him not slack off," Helen said.
"You can't do that. It's not right!" Mindy said.
"I'm sorry. Who's the manager, me or you?" Helen said, and Mindy stepped back.
The woman who works at the theater but doesn't have a name said "I hope this will make a good impression on Akbar."
"I'm sorry, what was your name again?" Gavin asked.
"Gavin, you've worked with me for years. How do you not know my name?"
"I don't know."
"My name is Beverly."
Josh got up from the floor and said "I finished cleaning".
He walked back over to the counter and Mindy kissed him on the cheek. A man walked up to the counter.
"Hello, I'd like one ticket to Movie Three, please," he said.
Craig and Eric were sitting at a table.
"It's gonna be so awesome," Eric said. "There's gonna be like, four Vishnus jumping out of the desert and beating up Satan and Stalin."
"I don't know, Eric. I don't think a Saudi diplomat is gonna want to see that," Craig replied.
"Why not?"
"Well, it might be offensive. Saudi Arabia has strict rules about religious stuff," Craig said.
"What does this have to do with religion?" Eric asked.
"Are you dumb?" Craig responded.
"Hey, watch it, dude!"
"This movie is based on a game that uses religious figures completely absurdly," Craig said.
"Relax, liberal. It's called dark humor," Eric retorted.
"Oh, wait. I just remembered there's a documentary film of the same name about the US and Saudi Arabia," Craig said. "Let's hope it's that one."
"Helen, why did you pour popcorn onto the floor?" Beverly asked.
[Arrow transition]
Drake was in his room and Megan was with him.
"Why won't you leave me alone?" Drake asked.
"I'm not real anymore," Megan said.
Drake looked nonplussed and said "You're right in front of me."
"The real Megan is gone, and you just can't accept my death."
Drake shrugged and moved onto the couch in front of the TV. Megan ran up in front of Drake.
"Hey, boob. I'm talking to you," she said.
"God, you're annoying," Drake moaned.
"Shut up, you moron!" Megan called.
"What are you gonna do? Poison me?" Drake said.
"I can't do that anymore," Megan said sadly.
"Good. Why not?" Drake asked.
"Because I'm dead, you stupid boob! Maybe you killed me and you're feeling guilty."
"How can I be a murderer?" Drake said. "All my friends are alive!"
Megan rolled her eyes and left the room. Drake turned the TV on.
"Are you having trouble dealing with loss?" said the announcer on the TV.
"Great, a commercial," Drake said, sarcastically.
"If you're still being haunted by memories of your lost loved one, you need to go to howtogetridoftrauma .com to try to make it all go away," said the voice from the television.
Josh walked into the room.
"What's up?" he said.
"I'm doing fine," Drake said.
"We're going to watch that movie in the Premier in two days," Josh said. "Do you wanna watch it with me?"
"Maybe. Your stuff is usually dumb and nerdy, but this is a big movie, so I may wanna check it out. Could you tell me what it's about?" Drake said.
"Okay. So, the game it's based on kicks off when Odin shows up to God and the Devil's blackjack match..." Josh began.
"By the way, have you seen Megan anywhere?" Drake asked.
"No," Josh said, which caused Drake to look uneasy.
[Arrow transition]
The Premier is back on the screen. The movies listed are "THE RINGS OF THE LORD", "NATIONAL MEASURE", "SUCK MY AMOEBA", "GOPHERS HAVE NO FUN", "SINK BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA" and "HOLY ENERGY ALLIANCE".
"Okay, everyone. Mr. Akbar will be arriving tomorrow," Helen called out. "Where's that Josh boy?"
Helen looked away. Josh was actually at one of the tables talking to Drake.
"I haven't told you about the part when Zeus performs a hysterectomy on..." Josh began.
"But you didn't tell me why Anansi took all the ketamine," Drake said.
"That was because of the time in the second game when Prometheus forced King David to sign a treaty with Tim," Josh clarified.
"I thought that was the Wakan-Tanka," Drake said.
"No, it wasn't," Josh said.
"Listen, this game makes no sense..." Drake began.
"It so does make sense!" Josh interrupted angrily.
"... but I still wanna see the movie. It's gonna be awesome."
Helen walked up to the table where the two of them sat.
"Josh, you absolute moron! Why are you sitting here at the table when I just made the announcement? Mr. Akbar is coming tomorrow. Get back to work!" she cried.
Josh went back to work and Drake then started to sip the soda Josh had left on the table.
"You're so sweet, Drake," Helen said.
"Cool," said Drake flatly, sipping Josh's soda.
Mindy facepalmed at Josh, who then started mopping the floor. Crazy Steve walked up to Mindy.
"Do you have a younger sister?" he asked.
"No, but I am one," Mindy said.
"Oh, well, do they grow out of the ground, or do you have to catch one and train one?" Steve said.
"What?" Mindy asked.
"Can you grow your own little sister, or do you have to convince a girl to be your sister?"
"I don't wanna talk to you," Mindy said.
Steve roared loudly and started beating a table near Drake with a maraca. Drake looked surprised.
"Let's hope nothing weird happens when Mr. Akbar comes over," Gavin said. "We wouldn't want him to get offended."
"What's a hiss-directed-me?" Drake said out loud.
[Arrow transition]
Drake was back in the house, sitting by the living room table.
"When was the last time I went to school?" he said aloud.
Megan showed up and looked at him grimly.
"How many times in this going to happen?" Drake asked. "I'm just sitting alone and you show up."
"Until you accept what happened and move on," she said. "Or maybe, you could turn yourself in, because maybe you killed me."
"But you're not dead," Drake said, confusedly.
"Megan Parker is dead and I am a figment of your imagination. No one else can see me."
"What's a figment?" Drake asked.
Megan didn't answer. Drake got up from his seat and walked a few paces.
"I'll keep haunting you until you've come to terms with my death, just as I haunted you in life. The others have moved forwards. Why not you?" she said.
"What are you talking about?" Drake said, as he walked towards the couch.
Megan rolled her eyes. Drake strummed his air guitar.
"I died several weeks ago. I'm not really here. I'm part of your imagination because you haven't accepted that I've died yet," Megan said.
"Like in The Sick Sense where Bruce Willis found out the kid was dead the whole time?" Drake asked.
"Yeah, something like that," said Megan. "I'm only part of your imagination."
Drake looked like he was considering something. Suddenly, Josh walked into the room.
"Hey, Megan," he said.
"JOSH!" Megan shouted exasperatedly, and stormed out of the room in disappointment.
Drake gave a satisfied smile.
"Tomorrow, we're gonna see Heavenly Energy Alliance. Are you ready for a Techno Magical Smackdown?!" Josh said, excitedly.
"Yeah. It's gonna be like the Bible meets The Matrix," Drake said.
"Yeah," said Josh. "The Saudi ambassador is gonna be so impressed."
"I just heard another laughing noise," Drake said.
"He'll be so impressed with American culture, even though the game's Japanese," Josh said.
"I hope so," Drake said.
"Wait a minute. When was the last time we went to school?" asked Josh.
[Arrow transition]
They were back at the Premier. The film titles visible were the same as last time. We see the employees inside.
"Okay!" Helen shouted. "Mr. Akbar is almost here, so no one can enter the theater after he arrives. We will be watching the movie with him."
"NO ENTERING, PEOPLE!" Crazy Steve shouted.
"I hope there's a comma in there," said Beverly.
"Hey, Drake. Looking good today," said Helen, for Drake had walked in.
"I am ready to see some god vs god action," Drake said excitedly.
"Why are you so excited about a documentary about US-Saudi relations?" Mindy asked.
Drake didn't answer.
"We're here too!" cried Craig, rushing up.
"Don't start without us," Eric said, following suit.
"Blessed Allah! You American infidels are rude," came a voice from offscreen.
An angry looking Arab man walked onto screen, followed by several armed guards. They were all in turbans.
"I gotta tolerate annoying people or else I might get the axe," he said.
"Welcome, Mr. Akbar. It's such a pleasure to have you here," Helen said.
"Whatever. I don't care. Start the movie. I want to see how much the US respects my culture."
Helen turned to Crazy Steve.
"Steve, so your anger problem doesn't act up again, I want you to take the magic pill in my purse marked 'Rohypnol'."
"Okay, I will," Steve said as Helen handed him her purse.
Everyone walked into one of the theaters.
[Arrow transition]
The films on the sign were the same as last time. Everyone except Steve walked out of the screen room. They all looked unhappy, except for Drake.
"This was not the movie we were supposed to see," Helen said.
"Oh, Allah! This movie was terrible," Muhammad al-Akbar said. "It was utterly disgraceful to my religion. Allah would never try to create a rock too big to lift and then drop in on Earth by accident. I will call King Bush and have you all beheaded!"
Akbar and his bodyguards stormed out of the room.
"I think we watched the wrong movie," Gavin said.
"I agree," said Beverly.
"It was completely genderist," Mindy said, speaking the Nickelodeon dialect. "All the female characters wore almost nothing and had no personality."
"This was nothing like the games," Josh said. "Hades is supposed to be Pakistani, not Acholi."
"Tiffany has super duper lightning powers, not hyper lightning powers," Craig said.
"The Tao is supposed not supposed to hook up with Abraham until the next game," Eric put in.
"This is the coolest movie I've ever seen," Drake said, wide eyed.
[Credits scene]
Drake is playing on Josh's GameSphere.
"Ugh, this is so boring. I like the movie better."
Words appear on the screen that say "This is not supposed to make fun of any religion. It is parodying the Shin Megami Tensei series".