Summary: Max and Helen have a discussion about their family and future, and settle into life with a newborn.
(In Max Goodwin's voice) Previously on New Amsterdam:
"Nadia Farrah Goodwin surprised us 3 weeks early by making her way into the world this morning on Tuesday, February 20th at 1:22 a.m."
Helen hopes Nadia will never be afraid to come to her for comfort. She promises to do better than her mother did.
"You were absolutely incredible! I knew you could do it!" Max is totally in awe of Helen! She brought their daughter into the world with her own blood, sweat, and tears. And suddenly, the words come tumbling out before he can stop them. "Marry me."
Tuesday, February 20th, 2024, 4:47 a.m.
Helen's eyes widen, shocked out of her sleepy stupor. She sits up, half a dozen different emotions flitting across her face before punching Max's shoulder.
"Ouch, violent woman!"
"Are you honestly proposing to me in a hospital again?"
"Yes?"
"Max…"
"Marry me, Helen," Max says again, this time with more confidence. "Please."
"Max, we're tired. I know my labor was a bit frightening, but I don't want you proposing only because you thought you might lose me."
"I'm not! Okay, maybe a little bit. We've had way too many health scares between us to waste any more time. But Helen, watching you deliver our baby was the most wonderful, amazing, mind-blowing experience! It made me fall more in love with you than I ever thought possible! I want to be your husband. And I want you to be my wife! I wanna pledge my whole life to you."
Last Saturday, when Helen said they should get through the birth first before talking about marriage again, she didn't think he'd take it quite so literally.
"Helen, you're scaring me. Do you not want to get married at all?" Max blurts out, hoping he doesn't sound too desperate. This feels scarily similar to when she called off their wedding almost two years ago.
"Oh, no, it's not that."
"Then what's holding you back? Why are you afraid of saying yes?" Helen's lips quiver as her eyes fill with tears, so Max leans his elbows on the bed and clasps her hand. "Hey, burden me."
"It—" Helen's throat and chest tighten, struggling to put what she's feeling into words. "I miss my mum." Her voice comes out sounding small and shaky.
"Yeah?" That's not quite what Max was expecting to hear, nor does he see how it's relevant yet. But he listens intently.
"Whilst in labor, I realized why I've been having reservations. Please don't misunderstand, you were the perfect birthing partner and you supported me through it all wonderfully. But… particularly during the transition, I was so scared." The tears finally spill over, releasing all her pent-up emotion. "I felt so weak and helpless, like a little girl who just needed her mother."
"Oh, babe!" Helen reaches out her arms silently asking for a hug, so Max sits on the edge of the bed and pulls her into his chest. Then the wracking sobs begin, muffled a bit by Helen burying her face in Max's shirt. It's gut wrenching. Max holds her tight and lets her get it all out.
A minute or so later, Helen's sobs subside, but she stays tucked into Max's embrace. "My mum rarely comforted me during my childhood, I don't know why she'd start now. Though I can't help but think about what I'm missing out on. Far-fetched as it might've been, the last time you proposed, I had hoped that we'd create some traditions with my mother. I wanted her to help me teach our future child about their culture. Nadia won't get to have that. And I always imagined…" a lump forms in Helen's throat again, making her voice a little squeaky, "she'd help me get ready the morning of our wedding. Now she won't even be there at all."
Max is a little encouraged that Helen's talking about their nuptials with more certainty.
"We've never been the epitome of a perfect mother and daughter, but when I gave her the ultimatum last year, I thought she'd set aside our differences and be happy for me, for us. But she didn't care enough about me."
"No, that's not true! I'm sure you still matter to her." It hurts Max to see Helen this low, especially after the birth of their child. He grabs a tissue from the bedside table and hands it to her. "Do you still want her there? At our wedding, I mean."
Helen thinks for a moment while blowing her nose. Her baba is gone. Max isn't in contact with his parents. She doesn't know if he'll invite Gwen and Calvin or if they'd want to come if he did. Or even if Helen wants them there herself. It would be nice to have at least her mother in attendance. "Yeah, sort of. She's my mum. Despite everything, I still love her. But obviously, her attendance would require mending our relationship first. And she's so bloody stubborn, it would take a miracle."
"Maybe your mom never reached out because she was embarrassed. If you opened the door again, I bet she'd be willing to give it another shot."
"Yeah, maybe." Helen sniffles, wiping some remaining tears from her cheeks.
Another few moments of silence pass as Max lavishes Helen with the physical comfort she didn't get as a child. Sometimes, words aren't enough. "I'm sorry for springing the proposal on you. You told me you weren't ready yet. That wasn't fair of me after the night you had."
"It's alright, I understand. I want to be ready, Max. Really, I do."
"Hey, it's okay. You'll get there." Max glances up at the clock on the wall. 4:52 a.m.! They've been up for nearly 24 hours! Now that the adrenaline of the birth has worn off, the drowsiness is hitting him hard, so it must be hitting Helen even worse. "Our little princess will be up in a couple hours to eat again. How about you get some rest? You deserve it after all your hard work."
Helen's body is exhausted, so she doesn't fight it as Max scoots off the bed and adjusts it to a horizontal position. This will be their first night sleeping separately in almost six months. Even though Max will literally be four feet away, Helen is already experiencing withdrawal. She wishes he could sleep next to her, to have Max hold her as she falls asleep, but the bed isn't big enough for two people.
Max whispers "I love you" while kissing Helen's forehead, then lays on the couch. He manages to find a halfway decent position, but has trouble quieting his thoughts. His mind is on overdrive. Not about Helen rejecting his proposal; he knows she wants to marry him. Max is mostly angry, angry at Helen's mother for making her feel abandoned and insignificant. Even after all the therapy, the wound hasn't completely healed. Max wants to give Serwa Sharpe a piece of his mind! But even if he had her phone number saved, he shouldn't. Trying to fix things between the two Sharpe women was one of Max's biggest mistakes in his and Helen's initial relationship. All he can do now is support Helen, and if she still wants her mother at their wedding, encourage her to reach out.
9:25 a.m.
Max and Helen are bone-tired. They were awoken to Nadia wailing around 6:30. Helen fed her for about twenty minutes, Max changed her diaper, then they all went back to sleep for a few more hours.
When Nadia wakes to feed a second time, Max and Helen are both too famished to think about going to bed afterward. So they order some food from the cafeteria and have it delivered to their room. A new nurse comes in, short and stout, probably in her late fifties or early sixties, with a blonde bob that's fading to silver. She hands Max and Helen their meals: tomato asparagus quiche, yogurt with blueberries, some greens, toast, two pieces of sausage, and a small mug of tea.
Helen tries to scarf some food down without getting any of it on Nadia. "Oh, god! I missed this!" Throughout her pregnancy, eggs repulsed Helen. It's odd that she's completely fine with them immediately after giving birth.
"You eat well, Maman! You need to keep up your strength," the nurse says, eyeing Nadia. "What time was bébé born?"
"1:22," Helen replies. "But we were up until nearly 5 o'clock."
"Mon Dieu! Tu es très fatigué! Is this your first child?"
Helen feels a bit awkward, unsure of how much information to reveal. "She's my first, yes."
"I have another daughter, almost five years old," Max informs the nurse. "She'll be visiting later today." Then to be sure she doesn't get any false ideas about him, he adds, "Her mother, my first wife, died a few years ago."
"Oh, my condolences," the nurse laments, clearly not knowing what else to say. "Well, if you're all set, then I've got more food to deliver. Congratulations on your new family member, Madame et Monsieur Sharpe."
Words of protest get stuck in Helen's throat as she almost corrects the statement, but the nurse walks out the door before she can. It seems unnecessary anyway. Heat floods Helen's cheeks as her gaze drifts to Max. "Sorry. She probably saw the last name on my patient file and assumed…"
"No, it's okay." Max gives Helen a playful smirk. "It was kind of funny actually, being called 'Monsieur Sharpe.' She must've known that you're the boss in this relationship."
Helen softly chuckles, feeling a little relieved that Max is taking it lightheartedly. "I think I want to hyphenate my last name though. 'Sharpe-Goodwin.'"
Max nearly drops his fork. Did Helen really just say that?!
"But I'll still go by Dr. Sharpe professionally. There's only enough room in the medical field for one Dr. Goodwin. And after all, you didn't earn my degrees for me!"
"No. No, I did not." After last night, Max is pleasantly surprised that Helen is talking about her future married name with such ease. But he'll take it!
The day passes by in spurts of breastfeeding, diaper changes (for both Helen and Nadia), skin-to-skin, and the occasional nurse check-in to see how both mother and baby are doing. Around noon, 6 a.m. in New York, Max gets a few reply texts from his and Helen's friends offering congratulations.
Lauren: Oh. My. GOD! What the hell?! Three weeks early?! Glad you're all safe and healthy! We NEED to have a FaceTime call soon. She's so cute, I wanna pinch her cheeks!
Floyd: Oh man! What a surprise! She's adorable! Love the name! Can't wait to come visit.
Iggy: Dude! Congratulations, man! Hope she and Helen are doing alright! Good luck with the sibling introduction. I'm sure Luna's gonna love her!
A few weeks into Helen's second trimester, Max texted Elizabeth and filled her in about his whole situation: about him and Helen being together, that she wasn't responsible for the Lymphodril drug trail, and most importantly, that they were having a baby. Max had been debating back and forth whether he should or not, but with his and Helen's other friends in the know, he didn't want Elizabeth (or Ben, more in particular) to hear it through the grapevine. Since then, Max hasn't initiated contact with her; that would've been weird given their history. So he abstained from sending her a text with the birth announcement last night. Although because they broke up on good terms, they're still friends on social media. If Elizabeth doesn't find out the news through Lauren, Floyd, or Iggy, she'll probably see it on the internet in a few days.
Max also gets a text back from Mina, who is ecstatic to have another little cousin. And one from Gwen and Calvin. It's rather formal, but congratulatory. They visited for Christmas, mostly for Luna's sake. While they tried to be pleasant and accepting of Helen and the coming baby, they were still a little bitter about Max's move to Geneva and taking Luna away. And for whatever reason, he senses that they blame Helen for it, probably conflating it with their original move to London.
Following lunch, Max and Helen try to get in another nap. But even with the curtains shut, too much light seeps through to sleep soundly.
Max gets a call from Michelle a little after 4 p.m. to let him know that she's outside the maternity ward with Luna, so he leaves to meet them.
Helen finishes a feeding session, then swaddles Nadia in her blanket and sits on the couch while she waits. Nadia stirs from her sleepy stupor and lets out a big yawn, then slowly blinks at Helen. "Oh, yes. You're a tired girl, aren't you? Little do you know how much sleep you're about to take away from me. But all the pain I went through to bring you here, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat!"
The door creaks open, and Luna comes in, closely followed by Max. "Where's baby sissy?"
"Over there." Max points at Helen. "Mum is holding her. You can go see her, but try to be quiet, okay?"
Luna tiptoes over, struggling to contain her joy. "Ohhh! She's so cute!" she quietly squeals, tapping her hands together in excitement.
Helen adjusts the baby up while still supporting her head. "Luna, this is your baby sister, Nadia. Would you like to hold her?"
"Yes, please!" Luna climbs onto the couch next to Helen.
"Now you have to be really gentle with her, okay?" Max says, putting the boppy pillow on her lap. "Babies are really fragile."
When Helen places Nadia in Luna's arms, she wonders what it was like for Max's sister when he was born. Did she love him immediately or was she initially a jealous older sister?
"Aww, hi, baby! My name's Luna. Mum! She's looking at me!"
"She probably recognizes your voice from when I was pregnant with her."
"She could hear me in your belly?!"
"Yes. She could hear my voice too, and your father's later on. That's why we would talk and sing to her."
Luna strokes the white blanket spotted with images of baby footprints. Except for a few dark curls peeking out from a pink and blue striped hat, all that she can see of Nadia is her face. Luna thought that she'd be able to hold her sister's hand. "Why is baby sissy in a blanket?"
"Because she gets cold rather easily. All babies do, but since Nadia was born so early, it's more difficult for her to keep warm."
Luna examines her baby sister: Nadia's tiny but plump lips, her cute nose, and her sleepy greenish-brownish eyes. She's very cute, but not quite what Luna was expecting. "Why doesn't she look like me?" Luna's friend, Emelia, has an older sister, and they look very similar.
"Well, Lu," Max sits on the opposite side of Luna on the couch, "that's because you have different moms. You look kinda like Mommy Georgia did when she was a kid. But Nadia looks more like Mum."
"Oh. Is that why Nadia's face is a little bit dark?"
"Yeah. Mum's skin is brown and mine is white. So Nadia's skin is light brown because she's a mixture of us."
"Kinda like when I mix paint from my paint set?"
"Right! People come in lots of different shapes, colors, and sizes. That part of what makes the world so beautiful. If you painted in only one color, it would look pretty boring."
"Baby Nadia is so beautiful!" Luna places a kiss on her sister's forehead and hugs her. "I love you, sissy!"
6 p.m.
In the evening, Kelsie visits after work, bringing along some food from Helen's favorite Iranian restaurant nearby. She doesn't hold the baby, just looks at her from afar to avoid passing along any germs she may have picked up today. Helen and Max recount the story of Nadia's birth, which they'll probably have to do a few more times for their other friends.
Kelsie informs Helen that she decided to renew her contract at their hospital. With Helen on maternity leave for the next fourteen weeks, they could use an extra pair of hands.
"Thanks for taking care of Helen at work," Max tells Kelsie. "It made me feel better knowing someone was keeping an eye on her."
"Yeah, o' course! Somebody had to do it."
"What are you saying? That I needed to be minded like a child?" Helen interjects, a little snarkier than intended.
"Helen, you weren't even aware you were in labor! You would have gone on God knows how long had I not made you go home."
Helen doesn't have anything to say back. As much as she hates to admit it, Kelsie has a point. Doctors make the worst patients, right?
"That reminds me, I spoke to folk at the hospital and set up a freezer-friendly meal train for you all. You were caught a little off guard with your wee bonnie lass. And even if you weren't, all parents need help over the first month or so."
"Thanks, Kelsie. We really appreciate that," Max says. "I get two weeks of paternity leave, so when I go back to work, it'll be nice to have some things we can just throw in the oven."
"No problem. I dinnae ken how much room you have, but I told people they can keep their meals clearly labeled in our break room freezer, and I'll swing it on by. That will reduce the amount of germs let into your place too."
Helen chokes up a bit. "Kelsie, you didn't have to do that. I don't want to be a burden."
"It's not a burden, Helen. You're stuck with me for the next seven months. If you're alright with it, I can come over to wash dishes, take out the bins, go to the shops, whatever you need."
After Georgia died, Helen did her best to support Max. She even wrangled up their friends to clean his apartment after he turned away the professional service she paid for. Why does she have trouble accepting help when it's her turn? "Thank you. I suppose I just didn't expect this much support."
"What else are friends for?"
Thursday, February 22nd
Today's the day! Dr. N'Doye stops by in the morning to double-check that both Helen and Nadia are healthy enough to go home. Everything looks great, and after a few standard postpartum questions and information, they're officially discharged and free to leave at noon!
Max pulls the car around and helps his ladies in, making sure to get a picture of Nadia in her car seat for the first time. She looks so adorable and tiny, like she's being swallowed by the seat and blanket!
Even though it's small, once they arrive home, they show Nadia the apartment. Her eyes are wide and darting all around, taking in her new world.
After a quick lunch, they get settled in. Max throws some laundry into the wash and unpacks their hospital bags while Helen nurses. Still running low on sleep, they all take a nap once the baby is done eating. Not ready to let Nadia out of sight yet, Helen lays on her side facing the bassinet. When Max crawls into bed behind her, Helen sighs in contentment, dragging his arm around and holding it to her stomach. "Mmm, this is all I need. You, me, and the girls." It feels so good to have his body pressed up against her again.
When Max wakes up, he throws the laundry in the dryer, then leaves to pick up Luna from school. They get back half an hour later, and Luna bursts through the door. She drops her backpack on the floor and runs into the open living space to find Helen sitting with Nadia in their new rocking chair. "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!"
"Shhh, Munchkin, your sister's asleep."
"Mummy," Luna says again in a raspy voice as if she's trying to whisper and shout at the same time. "I wanted to see baby Nadia, so I ranned really really fast up the hallway!"
Max sneaks into the apartment, carrying Luna's duffel bag, and quietly shuts the door behind him. "Hey, Luna bug? Please take off your shoes and put your backpack where it belongs. Then you need to wash your hands."
"But I haven't held sissy for a long time! For days and days!" As fun as it was to have a 3-night sleepover at Emelia's, she's really happy to be home with her parents and new baby sister.
"You'll get to hold her in a minute, I promise. Just come do as I asked, please."
"Oh, whyyy?" Patience can be really hard for an almost-5-year old!
"Because babies' immune systems aren't very strong. You've been at school all day and have germs on your hands. You gotta wash them so Nadia doesn't get sick."
"Ugh, fine!" Luna reluctantly trudges off toward the bathroom.
Max leans down and gives Helen a quick peck on the lips. "Michelle said she was a bundle of energy."
"Understandable, given our recent events. I hope you thanked her profusely for taking Luna on." With no grandparents nearby, they were left with very few options for extended childcare.
"Yup! You know me!" Max helps Luna at the sink, then grabs the dry laundry. As he folds and hangs stuff up in the bedroom, he can hear Helen and Luna chatting. So much has changed over the last year. Max and Luna moved to Geneva just under eleven months ago, shortly after her fourth birthday. While they were doing fine on their own, having Helen, and now Nadia, in their lives irrefutably adds more color, brightness, and meaning. Max is so grateful that the universe brought them back together.
Over the next few days, Max and Helen quickly learn the schedule that, not they, but Nadia dictates. During the day, she feeds in thirty-minute sessions every two hours, occasionally followed by a contact nap on Helen's chest. She doesn't sleep well in the little Moses Basket they got for her, so if Helen wants to move around, she often has Nadia strapped to her in a sling wrap. Although since Helen's body is still recovering, Max does all he can to let her rest.
At night, Nadia wakes up crying every three hours or so, disrupting both Max and Helen's sleeping patterns. Because of the increased risk of SIDS for the baby, mothers shouldn't fall asleep while breastfeeding. So Max makes sure Helen stays awake until Nadia is done. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they watch a show. It's rough, but they both know it's temporary and that it'll get easier, so neither is complaining.
In addition to taking Luna to and from school, Max does most of the dirty diapers and tries to keep on top of chores like laundry, dishes, and general home maintenance. He takes Kelsie up on her offer of help and has her do a grocery run over the weekend since they're low on breakfast, lunch, and snack foods. The meals she brings from Helen's coworkers are a lifesaver! Max tries to cook when he has the time and energy so they can save some of the frozen meals for when he goes back to work.
Max also makes sure to take lots of pictures of Helen and Nadia. That's something he didn't get to have with Luna, and since Helen has been wanting this for forever, he'd like to make sure she'll have something to look back on.
When Nadia turns a week old, Max and Helen take her to her first pediatric appointment. She's actually lost a few ounces, but that's considered normal during the first week since babies are still learning how to nurse properly. So the pediatrician tells Max and Helen not to worry, and that otherwise, Nadia seems healthy!
Feeling strong enough to do some light exercising again, Helen wants to take an evening family walk. So after an early dinner, she bundles Nadia up in some warm clothes, a hat, and a jacket. Nadia stretches, wiggles, and squeaks, making it a little difficult. "I know, little one. But wouldn't you like to get some fresh air and see the outdoors?"
Helen places Nadia in the sling, then she, Max, and Luna take a stroll around the neighborhood. The massive "diaper" in her own pants makes walking a little uncomfortable. But even though it's cold and the late February sun is low in the sky, it feels good to get outside. The brisk air is refreshing in her lungs after spending most of the week indoors.
Towards the tail end of their loop, Max, Helen, and Luna make a pit stop at the neighborhood playground. Luna's been getting better at the monkey bars and wants to show off her new skills. While she drags Max along as her safety net, Helen sits on a bench. Nadia is asleep, as she usually is when Helen is moving around, soothed by the rocking motion that reminds her of being in the womb. Helen leans down and inhales the scent of newborn. Nadia's forehead smells kind of sweet and slightly cheesy, and Helen can't get enough of it! Sounds a little odd, but that's nature's way of having a mother keep her baby close.
Helen looks up to find Max and Luna. They're hanging out with a woman probably her own age, an older woman in her mid-sixties, and a little boy around five or six. While the boy and Luna race down the slide, Max is speaking with the two women. Even from a distance, the family resemblance is clear.
As the older woman plays tag with the little boy, it feels like someone has shoved their hand into Helen's chest and is trying to crush her heart. What started out as a nice family walk has turned into a bitter reminder of what she and her children are missing out on. Due to the nippy air numbing her cheeks, it takes Helen a few seconds to realize that she's crying. She quickly wipes the tears away as Luna and Max make their way back to her.
"Mum, guess what! I just learned something new! 'Mémé' means 'grandmother' in French!"
"Sort of, Lu. 'Mémé' is like how you say 'Grammy and Grampy,'" Max informs her. "It's like a nickname for grandparents. But if you want to say 'grandmother,' you would use 'Grand-mére.'" He realizes Helen's eyes are wet and her smile is a little strained and forced. Considering the scene she likely just witnessed, Max suspects why she may be upset. "Okay, kiddo, we gotta head out. It's getting pretty cold and it's gonna be dark soon."
As Luna leads the way, chattering about her new friend, Max squeezes Helen's hand three times, silently letting her know he sees her pain.
Max doesn't get a chance to talk to Helen when they get home. He takes the baby, humming, swaying, and bouncing with her strapped to his chest, so Helen can have an uninterrupted shower. Although when Max passes by the bathroom on the way to change Nadia's diaper, he could swear Helen is using the noise of the running water to stifle sobs.
By the time Helen comes out, Nadia is hungry and fussy again. So she takes her into the bedroom to nurse while simultaneously performing skin-to-skin.
Max makes Luna brush her teeth and get in her PJs, and tells her she can watch two episodes of Bluey before bed. Once she's sat at the TV, Max sneaks into the bedroom. Helen appears despondent, sitting in bed only wearing yoga pants, socks, and a nursing bra. Nadia is attached to Helen's left breast, covered up to her neck with a light purple baby blanket.
Max joins Helen on the bed. They sit in silence for half a minute, either staring down or straight ahead. The only noises in the room are Nadia's tiny squeaks and breaths as she guzzles down milk. Then Max finally breaks the ice. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
At first, Helen doesn't say anything. She doesn't even know what to say.
"Have you thought any more about calling her?"
Nadia's eyes flutter in and out of sleep, but she has a tight grip on her mother's finger. The love Helen has for Nadia is all-consuming and unwavering, a bond like no other. She already dreads the day when her daughters move out, and it would break her if she were ever on bad terms with them. Is this what Helen's mum feels like? "I dunno. Maybe…" She risks a glance at Max. His expression is neutral but steady, giving Helen the time she needs to explain how she's feeling. "Maybe… I caught her off guard a bit when I told her about us. And then when she didn't react the way I wanted, I sort of just told her off and bolted out of there."
"Hey, her reaction is not your fault."
"I know, thank you. I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but maybe she assumed I was completely done with her, that I wouldn't let her be involved even if she apologized. You know how stubborn she is, how difficult it is for her to make the first move. She might simply need a nudge."
"Yeah. But Helen, don't feel like you need to just for the sake of the baby. Or so the wedding is exactly the way you always wanted."
"It's not that completely. Now that I'm a mother, I suppose I'm trying to put myself in her shoes." Helen's mum was raised in a generation where children were treated as objects and not small humans with feelings, which negatively impacted her ability to express emotion, and therefore, her parenting style. After all, hurt people hurt people. "I think… I'll give her a ring later."
"Okay. Can I do anything to help?"
Max's offer eases Helen's nerves a bit. "Would you stay in the room with me whilst I'm on the phone? I don't want to be alone."
"Of course!" He would have supported Helen either way, but Max thinks she made the right decision. He didn't want to tell her what to do; she had to come to that conclusion herself. And if Helen didn't call her mother, especially before the wedding, she may have regretted it, always going through "what if" scenarios in her head.
By 8:45, Luna is asleep for the night and Nadia is milk-drunk passed out in her new automatic swing. Max makes Helen a calming cup of herbal tea and joins her on the couch. She's biting her nails, which Max has never witnessed before, and staring at her phone. "Here, hon."
Helen breaks out of her trance and gladly takes the warm mug. "Oh, thank you."
"Do you know what you're gonna say to her?"
"Mm-mmm. I don't even know where to start."
"Well, I guess you could start out by saying you had the baby and see where it goes from there?"
"Yeah… yeah… I can do this," Helen says, the last part mostly to herself. She takes a sip of tea and places it on the coffee table, then pulls up her mother's contact information. Her thumb hovers over the number, but she can't bring herself to click it. Out of nowhere, Helen feels like she's about to have a heart attack! Her hands are shaking, she's sick to her stomach, and can't seem to catch her breath, on the verge of hyperventilating.
"Hey, Helen, it's okay." Max takes the phone from Helen and wraps his arms around her. "Just breathe, babe. Breathe with me."
Helen buries her nose in Max's shirt, slowly inhaling through her nose, comforted by the scent of cedar and spice. She tries to match Max's overemphasized but slow breathing pattern, reminding her of being in labor, and it takes her a full minute to calm down.
"I've got you." Righteous anger flares up in Max again. Helen can't even call her mother without nearly having a panic attack! "You know, you don't have to do it tonight, or at all if it makes you that anxious."
"I know. I want to. But I just can't right now." Helen sits up and strokes her chest to self-soothe. "Could you… call her for me?"
"What? Are you serious?"
"Only to get that preliminary conversation out of the way. Like how you did with Floyd, Iggy, and Lauren?"
"Helen, you remember what happened the first time I tried to fix things between you and your mom! Are you sure you want me to get involved?"
"I'm not saying you have to try and fix things, just sort of explain how I'm feeling. If she's not receptive to having a civil conversation, I don't think I could bear the emotional torment again."
Max would defend Helen, he'd take the brunt of all her pain. Hell, he would've given birth in her stead if he could. Speaking to her mother is the least he can do. "You know I'd do anything for you, right? I'm on your side, always."
Helen's heart floods with warmth. The universe couldn't have given her a more devoted, selfless, attentive partner. "Thank you."
"Okay, so you know what you're getting into, right? The things I say might get a little heated. Are you alright with that?"
Helen simply shrugs. "Say what you must. I trust you."
Max clicks on Serwa's number, puts the phone up to his ear, and mouths, "I love you."
February 10th, 10:53 a.m., London
It's been nearly six months since that disastrous conversation. Six months since Serwa lost her daughter for the second time! If her time estimation is right, Helen will likely be giving birth in a month or so. And she won't get to be there.
Following Helen's move to Geneva, some of Serwa's friends would occasionally ask if she'd heard from her daughter. But Serwa just brushed it off or told them little white lies, never actually having relayed the full story and that it's her fault they haven't spoken. The guilt she felt over how she reacted when Helen left hurt too much, and it still lingers now.
Serwa is at the clinic she went to with Helen a few years back, when she had a cancer scare that luckily only turned out to be bronchitis. But today, she's in here for her annual mammogram. The first part is complete, and she's waiting for the results in the doctor's office.
After her stroke, Helen had coerced Serwa to start prioritizing her health. Serwa went along for her colonoscopy kicking and screaming. But no one's forcing her this time, only Helen's incessant voice in her head convincing her to do it anyway. She was supposed to have it done back at the end of August, but with the fallout of her last conversation with Helen, Serwa was too angry and numb that she missed her appointment, and it took her a while to reschedule.
Dr. Finley enters the room, the same doctor that read Serwa's scans during her first visit here. "Ms. Sharpe," he cordially nods as he sits at the desk. "Do you have anyone with you here today? A family member or a friend?"
"No, my daughter is… no." There's no need to give her any more information than necessary. "Why? Is something wrong?"
Dr. Finley smiles sympathetically, then opens the manila folder. "Unfortunately, we found something on your scan today, a mass on your left breast. Right here, you see?" He holds up the image and points to the spot with his pen.
Serwa's heart drops to her stomach. All her regrets come into sharper focus. "Is it cancerous?"
"It's unclear whether the tumor is malignant or benign. We'll need to take a biopsy and send it to the lab for testing. So I'd like to get you in the books for another appointment as soon as possible." Dr. Finley pulls up the patient schedule on the computer, looking for open slots. "It appears we're booked out for the next two weeks. Would you be available to come in on the 24th?"
"Yes." Serwa doesn't even need to check her calendar. She doesn't have much going on these days. "I'll take the first open time slot."
"Alright." The doctor types in some things and makes a couple clicks with the mouse. "I have your appointment set for Saturday, February 24th at 10 a.m. After we take a sample, you should expect the biopsy results within a week or two. Is there anything else I can do for you today?"
"No, I'm fine." She doesn't feel fine. "Thank you, Doctor."
"Then you're free to leave." As Serwa gathers her things, Dr. Finley closes the patient file and stands. "Try not to worry, Ms. Sharpe. Most masses we find end up being nothing serious."
The doctor's voice is low, smooth, and comforting. But Serwa is too distraught to speak. So she simply nods and walks out the door. This all seems vaguely familiar, like an unpleasant dream she once had. Needing to feel a piece of home, Serwa marches off to the community center gymnasium where her dance circle meets. She took Helen there once after a routine colonoscopy, which only makes her miss her daughter more.
Tuesday, February 27th, 8:20 p.m.
For two and a half long weeks, Serwa has tried to keep her mind off the mass in her breast, but to no avail. The doctor took the biopsy three days ago, so all that's left to do is wait on the results.
Serwa returns home after having dinner out with a friend. Her flat is small and minimal in decoration. She's never seen the use of fuss and frills.
Once her leftovers are put away, Serwa checks her phone, and has to do a double take to make sure she's reading it right. A missed call and voicemail from Helen?! Maybe the baby has already been born. Bracing herself, Serwa clicks on the voicemail and puts the phone to her ear. But to her surprise, it's not Helen's voice she hears. It's a man's voice. She almost doesn't recognize it at first.
"Hey, Ms. Sharpe, Max Goodwin here. I'm sure you remember me. I, uh, hope you're doing alright. I thought you'd like to know that Helen had our baby last week. A beautiful little girl named Nadia. She was born a little early, but both of them are doing fine." Max clears his throat. "But that's not really why I'm calling. It's Helen. She misses you and really wishes you were here. You're her mom, and your separation is killing her inside! Regardless of your fight and whatever you thought about our situation, you should've shown up for Helen! Parents are supposed to be there for their kids! And you let her down!"
Serwa is surprised that this man whom she met once has the boldness to speak to her in such a manner!
"Last year, after Helen told you about us, she called me in tears! I don't presume to know everything about your relationship, but I'm always gonna be on Helen's side. She was asking for the bare minimum, just that you would be happy for her. But you wouldn't even hear her out! She felt like all you've done is judge her choices. And now, she thinks she doesn't even matter to you. Which, I mean, who could blame her? You couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone for six goddamn months!" Max pauses, heaving a sigh as he regains his composure. "Look, maybe you're hurting as much as Helen is. She's open to having you in her life again ifyou make an attitude adjustment."
Could it be true? Serwa didn't think Helen would ever be willing to make amends.
"You're probably still skeptical about me, but I assure you, I'm dedicated to your daughter. Nothing is more important to me than her or our children. Taking care of them is my top priority. I'm actually calling in Helen's place because she almost had a panic attack while trying to do it herself. So please… think about it. If she means anything to you, you'll swallow your pride and just call her."
A few seconds of silence pass, and Serwa thinks she hears a woman's voice in the background. Helen?
"Okay, I've probably gotten my point across," Max says, "but I hope we hear from you soon. Goodnight, Ms. Sharpe."
When the phone clicks off, Serwa stands there in a daze. First of all, she's impressed Max had the guts to say everything he did. Even though she doesn't necessarily like him (hell, she hardly knows him other than what Helen has told her), Serwa has a newfound respect for Max that he stood up to her, even if it was in the form of a voicemail.
But it also leaves Serwa a little distraught. What if her tumor turns out to be cancerous? She's wasted so much time, not only these past six months, but over the past forty-four years, not showing Helen love in the way she deserves. Serwa doesn't know if she can bear to call Helen back yet. She might take a few days, think about how she wants to respond, and wait until she has the results of her biopsy back. No use in getting Helen worried prematurely.
Sunday, March 3rd, 8:05 a.m., Geneva
Max is at the stove, cooking up some crepes, sausage, eggs, and kale for himself, Helen, and Luna. Although he doesn't have to go back to work until Tuesday, this is the last weekend before Max's paternity leave is over, so he's savoring every minute.
While waiting for breakfast to be ready, Helen feeds Nadia and drinks a cup of thistle tea as Luna colors across from her at the table. Over the past week and a half, Helen has grown comfortable breastfeeding in front of Luna without a cover. After all, it's a natural part of life. And hence, Luna has been curious about the process, asking Helen all sorts of questions. "Why does Nadia only drink milk and nothing else? Can she have cow's milk? Do all mommies feed their babies breast milk? Did I drink breast milk from Mommy Georgia?"
The last question fills Helen with grief. "No, sweetheart. Mummy Georgia died the day you were born. So she never got a chance to feed you. You had formula instead."
"Oh." Luna's not sure why she feels upset. Maybe it's because Baby Nadia is getting to experience something she didn't.
Helen wishes she could hug Luna right now! "But even though she couldn't, she loved you very much."
Luna loves Mum a lot! But she misses Mommy Georgia. How is it possible that she can miss someone she doesn't even remember? All Luna knows about Mommy Georgia is from old pictures, videos, and stories her dad and grandparents have told her.
Max brings the food to the table and sits down. "Okay! Everybody dig in!"
"Mmm! Yummy, Daddy!"
"Thank you, Max," Helen says as Max sits down. "For everything."
"Just doing my job."
"Honestly. I appreciate all you've done for us over the last nine months. I'm sorry you have to go back this week. Not just for my sake, I know it's a sacrifice for you too."
Max offers a melancholy smile. As much as he loves working and keeping busy, he'd really like to stay home with his family a little bit longer. When Luna was born, because he was the sole parent, grieving Georgia, and also recovering from chemo ravaging his body, Max took off for over a month after the ambulance crash. Luckily, he could usually pop into the New Amsterdam daycare and visit Luna if she (or he) was experiencing separation anxiety. So being apart from his family this time around will be difficult.
As everyone eats, they talk about the day ahead. It's sunny, not quite warm, but not too cold either, so the plan is to go to town, pop in and out of a few shops, and maybe go to a children's museum.
Helen removes Nadia from her breast to burp her. "Mina and I are having a chat this afternoon to discuss our plans for next week." Mina will be visiting during her university's spring break. "So let's be sure we're home by 3."
"Yeah, that's fine. Kelsie's supposed to drop off some more meals around then anyway."
"Can I talk to Mina too?" Luna asks. Mina was also here in early September before her school term started. And Luna thought she was so cool!
"Yes. Mummy wants some time to speak to her by myself first, but I'll make sure you can say hello." Pat, pat, pat. Burp! "Oh, that's a good burp, little one!"
"Here, babe. I can take her so you can eat hands free."
Over the past eleven days, Helen has probably spent half her waking hours either feeding or holding Nadia. So she gladly hands the sleeping baby over to Max. But as soon as she sits down again, Helen's phone starts buzzing. Her heart nearly stops when she sees the name.
"Helen? Who is it?"
"It– it's my mum."
"Oh, sh–! You gonna answer it?"
Helen mentally debates back and forth for half a second. Before it can stop ringing, she hits "Accept call" and dashes to the balcony, eyeing Max in a panic through the sliding glass door. "Hello?"
"Helen, dear. It's your mother."
It really is her! Helen snorts a laugh. "Yeah, I assumed as much when I saw the name."
"How are you doing?"
"I… I'm alright. Mostly good. A little knackered these days with a newborn."
"Yes, Max left me a voicemail last week and told me about her. Nadia is a lovely name. When was she born?"
"Two weeks ago this upcoming Tuesday. February 22nd, to be precise. A little early, but she's progressing nicely."
"And you? Are you recovering well?"
Helen is all out of sorts. Her mother is phoning her out of the blue after six months as if nothing happened. "Yes. But… Mum, why are you calling? Certainly, not just to make idle chit chat." It's silent for a few seconds. "I know what Max said to you, Mum. In fact, I gave him full permission to say whatever he thought necessary."
Serwa's never been the best at communicating her feelings. But that needs to change if she wants a relationship with her daughter. Let her know you! "No. I'm calling because… I had a mammogram last week. And they found a mass."
No! God, no! This can't be happening! Helen's hearing from her mother only to lose her?!
"Fortunately, it was benign. The doctors are going to remove it next week to air on the side of caution."
"Oh, for god's sake, Mum! Don't scare me like that!"
"I'm sorry, dear. It frightened me too. And then after hearing what Max had to say… well, it was a wake-up call. And I want to apologize."
Helen's ears must be faulty! "What?"
"The last time we spoke, when you told me about the baby and that you were moving your life to Geneva… I reacted a bit poorly."
That's putting it lightly, Helen thinks, rolling her eyes. But she doesn't want to interrupt her mother and risk derailing her speech.
"As I'm sure you remember, my first introduction to Max was a complete and utter disaster. He didn't show up for an entire hour! Then after your friend's funeral, he stayed behind to save that bloody hospital of his. And when he convinced you to fly back to New York for the wedding, I knew he'd never truly give it up. He wasn't listening to you or putting you first. So I had my reasons to be doubtful the second time round."
"And now? What do you think?" Helen is on the edge of her proverbial seat. Although she doesn't even know why she cares so much about her mother's opinion.
"During our first and only in-person conversation, I thought Max was a pushover. His main focus was appeasing me and smoothing the situation. But last week, he proved that he's willing to defend and fight for his family. Spending that year apart must have been beneficial for Max. It sounds as though he's sorted out his priorities."
"He has, Mum. Spending more time with Luna was actually a big part of why he moved here in the first place."
"And… he's treating you well? You're happy with him?"
Helen looks at her family through the glass door. Nadia is now in her swing, and Max is helping Luna cut up her food, but carefully watching Helen, looking for any signs of distress in case he needs to intervene or offer a shoulder to lean on. She softly smiles to assure him she's okay for now. "Yes. We've both done some real self-improvement this time, so things are going swimmingly. Max has been absolutely wonderful. He… He sees me. He's my partner, my future, my support." My all of the above. "And I'm completely out of my mind for him."
Oh! So they're not married, and likely not even engaged yet. Whilst unconventional, at least I haven't missed that. "Well, then, that's all I could hope for. A mother only wants what's best for her child. I haven't always shown it in the best way, but everything I've done for you, I've done out of love. But I'm sorry for constantly meddling in your affairs. It's clear to me that you can determine what's best all on your own. You don't need me anymore."
"Mum, that's not entirely true! A girl will always need her mother to some extent." Helen pauses a beat, wondering if it's too much too soon. "I still need you."
"Yes, perhaps. But not in the same way you used to. You're your own person, you've formed your own opinions, and you stand your ground for yourself and for what's right. You're a wonder, Helen! I'm so very proud of what you've become."
Helen didn't know how much she needed to hear her mother say those words! Out of nowhere, she starts weeping and crumples against the door! Bloody postpartum hormones! The chilly air only adds to the shivers and shakes that take over her body.
"Helen? Child? Are you alright?"
"Yes… no… I don't know," Helen blubbers through sniffles.
Having witnessed the scene, Max joins Helen on the balcony. "Babe? You good?" he whispers. "Do you need me to tap in?"
Helen shakes her head, but leans back against Max and wraps his arms around her waist, using him for support and warmth. "All my life, I thought I wasn't enough for you," she says into the phone. "And given the last six months, well…" Tears continue trailing down Helen's cheeks as she tries to get her shaky breaths under control.
"Oh, my dear! Please know, you're more than enough. You're everything to me. I'm sorry for not making you feel that way."
Max gives Helen a squeeze and kisses her temple. He hopes… no, he knows she believes she's enough for him and their girls, at least.
"Thank you, Mum. I appreciate that." Maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. "Would you… like to visit?" She turns her head toward Max, silently asking his opinion. He smiles and nods in agreement. "To meet the baby? Our place is a bit cramped, but we have a couch that folds down into a bed. Or we could put you up somewhere."
Even after all Serwa has done to push her daughter away, it seems that she's getting another chance, one that she'll gladly take. "That would be lovely, Helen. When would be best?"
"How about in a few weeks? At this stage, Nadia spends most of her hours either eating, sleeping, or soiling nappies. Maybe you should come when she's a bit more interactive."
"Alright. Why don't you take a look at your calendar and suggest a date, then I'll see what I can manage?"
"Yes, Max and I will discuss it and get back to you."
"I look forward to hearing from you soon." A beat. "I love you, daughter."
Helen's breath catches in her throat again. "I… I love you too. Goodbye, Mum."
"Goodbye."
With that, Helen hangs up the phone, faces Max, and as soon as she sees his soft, encouraging expression, collapses into his arms and starts sobbing again. But this time, it's not necessarily out of sadness. Maybe a little bittersweet, but it's primarily joy and relief.
"You did it, babe!" Max whispers as he rubs Helen's back. "I'm so happy for you."
Author's notes:
I listened the The Grudge by Olivia Rodrigo a lot while writing this chapter.