Author's Note
I do not own Game of Thrones.
"I want to kill Roose Bolton."
"Can we carve his bastard into tiny pieces and feed them to the godswood?"
"... no."
"I tear throat and eat heart!"
"... that's a definite no."
"Good for hunter spirit!"
"You're not eating Ramsey Bolton's heart!"
"Eyes?"
"No!"
"Look. When the King visits, most of the Lords of the North will be at Winterfell anyway. Then you can assassinate the Boltons for this odd grudge you have against them."
And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell planned murder.
"We need to make sure the King doesn't try to betrothe Sansa to the crown prince again."
"Hopefully he's not coming north–"
"But he must have been planning the match. We're not taking the risk. Besides, Uncle Jon apparently refused to send Aunt Lysa back to the Eyrie; she's going to successfully poison him at some point. All we've done is delayed the matter."
"Joffrey's a monster."
"Don't worry. We won't let you marry him."
"I'd sooner not marry anyone, but King's Landing would put me in a good position–"
"To become a Lannister hostage."
"The girls can't be here when the King arrives. You'll have to go foster."
"That won't work; most of the lords come for the King's visit."
"Oh. Right."
"We could just betrothe her – me – to someone else before the King arrives."
"I've had two terrible husbands; I don't want another–"
"This time you choose. Someone you know; someone you trust."
"But I don't know! Father never socialised with the families of the other Houses."
"Never?"
"Well, there were official visits. But they didn't often bring their children."
"Gods damn it, Ned."
"Well, who has sons around our age?"
"Rickard Karstark."
"They're all older, aren't they?"
"Not by too much."
"The Karstarks betrayed me, she's not marrying a Karstark."
"More the reason to shore up your alliance with them. Offer Sansa's hand to the heir."
"Sansa?"
"I've been married off enough times for alliances."
"Yes, but you're not you anymore. I am. Offer my hand to the heir; Rickard won't decline it."
"Uncle!"
"You can pick your husband as Arya."
"I don't want to marry again."
"Are you sure you're not really Arya?"
"Arya Stark became no one."
"I'm sure."
"Betrothing Arya as well would be wise. Otherwise King Robert might just ask for her hand instead."
"He'd probably prefer her; she's more the type he would have wanted."
"Fine. Who do we know and trust?"
"Ned Umber."
"Benfred Tallhart."
"Jojen."
"Who?"
"Howland Reed's son. He and his sister were friends of mine. He's a little serious, but he's dutiful and has a good heart."
"He's a Crannogboy?"
"If you want a husband that will treat you well, he's not a bad option. Especially at short notice."
"Well, he already sounds better than either of my first two husbands."
"Then I'll write Houses Karstark and Reed. Uncle, can you help me with this? I've never written betrothal offers before."
"Of course. Though you may want to look into options for Robb as well."
"I'm a bastard now–"
"The other Robb."
"Rickon doesn't understand marriage yet. And who would marry him?"
"We've already got Karstark down, so who else has daughters?"
"House Manderly, if you want the smart choice. And if you're offering the Stark heir to one of his granddaughters, he mightn't ask too many questions."
"Done."
"Should we look for a betrothal for Jon too?"
"I'm not in danger of marriage offers from the King–"
"But you are still a decent marriage offer to a third or fourth daughter. Ned and I had discussed rebuilding castles in the Gift; you would likely have been given one."
"And you never told me this?"
"You chose the Night's Watch–"
"I didn't have much of one–"
"Manderly and Karstark are out. Mormont has a lot of daughters, doesn't she?"
"We knew Lyanna Mormont. She was a little warrior."
"Send them an offer then. Who else is there with daughters in our age range?"
"The mountain clans could be a good option. They're loyal to Ned, but it never harms to strengthen an alliance. And they're likely to be less discriminatory of a bastard."
"Send them some ravens too then."
And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell began to arrange marriage alliances.
"They've caught the deserter from the Night's Watch."
"Will you be well? Executing him?"
"I've killed people before. And he broke his oaths."
"Don't execute him."
"Uh– Sansa, I'm sure you knew him, but he did desert."
"That's not what I meant. We'll take him back to the Wall. We can speak with Jeor, spread the warning about the Others, and pick up Ned– Ah, our Uncle – along the way."
"You know, that's not a bad plan."
"I'm the First Ranger; I am capable of planning."
And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell decided on a roadtrip.
"What are you doing?"
"Returning to the Wall with you."
"You're not coming."
"Of course I'm coming; the Wall was my home for fifteen years!"
"Sansa, you're a three and ten year old girl. You're not coming."
"I'm older than–"
"And a girl, little Brave Danny Flint."
"This was my plan!"
"You're still not coming. Besides, I need someone with reason to stay and help Lady Catelyn run Winterfell. I don't think Robb's going to be much help."
And so it was that Lord Stark was not in Winterfell when a raven arrived from King's Landing a sennight later.
Author's Note
Benjen: Fuck it all, just marry me off to the Karstarks.
Jon: Are you sure?
Benjen: Fuck my life.