Chapter 20 - Grab my hand, I'm drowning (Traumas, they surround me)

He was in that maze again, running through the darkness to the blinding light ahead. The leaves around him sprouted thorns, cutting him as he ran by.. He tripped and fell face first into the ground.

All turned black.

His vision returned to see Cedric being hit with a sickly green light. Blood rained down from his body as he was violently thrown by the power of the spell.

Bound to the stone biting into his back, Wormtail sliced his arm open, the knife going up. Up. Up. He withdrew the blade when it was in his cheek, millimeters from his eye. He closed his eyes in agony.

Shadows coalesced into shape when he opened his eyes. A cruel smirk formed right in front of his face, red eyes shining with malice accompanying it.

A grotesque hand touched him gently, and pure agony filled his body in an instant. He could hear the delighted cackle through his screams.

"CRUCIO!"

"AAAGGGH!"

Harry bolted upright, his old bed squeaking below him. His chest heaved painfully as he tried to calm down, one hand drying the tears falling down his face.

With a sigh, he forced himself to get up, knowing he would not be able to fall asleep again. Glancing at the rusted clock in his room told him he would need to start his chores in a few anyway.

Since the moment he had stepped foot back into the Durley's house his life had become more of a hell than usual. His days consisted of waking up from a nightmare, doing the chores while being yelled at, and then falling asleep once more. A numbing cycle that already threatened to drive him insane.

His friend's silence only aggravated the situation all the more. He found himself becoming angry over their abandonment, so marched over to the door.

The opened letters in his table hijacked his attention, the anger abating slightly as he breathed deeply before stepping out of his room.

Harry vividly remembered the moment Hedwig had flown through his window, a letter bound to her feet. He had jumped from his bed, tearing the paper open. His frenzied eyes had read and reread Nate's letter countless times before he believed it's existence.

Relief had paralyzed him as it flooded his system. For a single moment, he had felt hope. Even if small.

The following letters from his friends only made the feeling bloom, even if anger at their reasoning for ignoring him also rose. Nate's subsequent letters served to temper it.

But now, with days having passed and the nightmares only becoming worse, all he felt was despair, growing ever so strong in these days that all blended together.

Finished with making the family's breakfast, Harry took his meager portion back to his room. He used to complain to himself about how little food he got to eat at the household. Now he would be lucky if he had the stomach to keep down even half of the toast.

Hedwig stood at the opened window, letter tied to her leg. With a soft caress to the bird, Harry took the parchment, offering a treat in return. He closed the window, falling down to his bed to read the letter. His breakfast lay forgotten on the table.

A rare moment of peace overtook the room, the reassuring words written by his friend letting his body relax.

"RAPUNZEL, OH RAPUNZEL, THROW DOWN YOUR HAIR!"

Harry jumped in fright, turning to his stomach so he could snatch the wand beneath his pillow. His eyes were wide with pupils blown as he listened to the sound of his furious uncle stomping downstairs.

"Oh shit!"

Still frightened, Harry debated getting up to see the commotion or to stay hidden. The choice was made for him when a hand appeared on his window, another rapping the glass.

He approached slowly, wand hidden but at the ready. Peering through from the side he saw a perplexing view.

Nate hung from the tips of his finger, his eyes finding Harry's and a mischievous smirk growing on his lips. One hand let go to wave cheekily, and he almost fell back down.

That was enough to break Harry from his daze, as he hurriedly unlatched the window. His hand went to assist his friend, but he had already nimbly scaled through, falling gracelessly on his back.

"Ouch!"

"Nate?!"

"Sup buddy!" His friend said from the floor, the pained look on his face melting into a happy grin as he got up.

Still completely befuddled, it took Harry some moments to formulate his eloquent question. "What the hell are you doing here, mate?"

"Well," Nate started, his gaze wandering around the room. "I was taking a walk outside when I noticed the beautiful weather." The sarcastic tone in the word was hard to miss as Harry turned his eyes to the gray clouds outside.

"Then I thought, 'what a perfect day to hang out with Harry. So," His friend opened his arms wide just like the grin on his face, as if presenting himself. "Here I am."

"Um, thank you, for the, uh, consideration." The words tumbled out, Harry's brain truly bewildered by his friend. He did not remember Nate looking this insane last time he saw him.

As if triggered by the thought, his eyes finally perceived his friend's appearance. Dark circles under his eyes, made all the more noticeable by the pale complexion of his skin. If not for the feat of strength and dexterity he had just witnessed, he would have thought the man sick.

But it was his eyes that truly gave him pause. Weary and deep, like an ocean of emotions, raging and calm at the same time. His gaze, with eyes that seemed to glow, sent shivers down his spine.

"Why did you invade my room?" Harry asked hurriedly, forcing himself to focus on something else.

"Ah." Nate seemed to sag on himself. "I-I just panicked when I heard someone getting angry at my shout. Kinda forgot how early it is."

His friend's demeanor seemed to change at once, the bubbly tone of his voice vanishing. Harry didn't understand the shift. Was he that embarrassed about invading his room?

"So." Nathan said abruptly. "Can you go out or do I need to smuggle you out?" He pointed at the window with a thumb over his shoulder, grin back on his face. "You can see I have experience!"

Harry chuckled as the amusing scene replayed itself in his mind. "No, I can go. Just give me five minutes and I'll be ready."

"K! I'll be waiting outside." The man said, before deftly going through the window once more.

Harry turned to change clothes while shaking his head at his clearly not all there in the head friend.

Going down the stairs, the sound of eating caught his ears. He silently padded over to the kitchen, seeing his aunt and uncle eating the breakfast he had prepared.

"Uncle Vernon, I'll be stepping out of the house for a while." His tone was as polite as he could manage nowadays.

The large man stopped his heavy eating for a moment, eyes narrowing in anger at the interruption. "Fine! Go away boy!" He shoved a piece of bacon on his mouth. "The less we see of you the better!"

Taking his uncle returning his attention to his plate as a dismissal, Harry speed walked to the front door, walking outside to the foggy morning air.

Nate sat on one of the round poles of the rope fence, serious expression on his face morphing into cheer when he saw his friend. The shift in mood once more seemed to beg for his attention, but Harry ignored it again.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked as the man patted down his pants.

"Oh, you'll see!"

The mischievous grin on his friend's face grew, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

Only then Harry noticed his own smile.

At a corner table, Harry found himself sitting at a McDonald's. A burger, some fries and soda sat on the tray in front. Across from him, Nate was opening his burger, and putting some fries on top of the meat.

"Don't you think it's a little early for burgers?" Harry asked the man across from him as he eyed his food wearily.

"Just eat it, buddy. You'll Like it!" Nate said, taking a bite of his own sandwich and humming in delight.

Harry tentatively took a bite, eyes widening at the greasy but good flavor.

"Knew you'd like it!" The man across from him said, sipping his drink.

A long moment of silence settled between them as they appreciated their meal and the relative peace of the mostly empty store.

"Have you ever wondered why breakfast is called that?"

The out of the blue question confused Harry, who had been distracted trying to grab a fry stuck to the bottom of the box. His bemusement only grew as he processed the question.

His friend took his silence as a sign to keep talking. "Yeah, I mean, I never really thought about it, but I started thinking about it the other day."

Nate leaned over the table, eyes wide as if what he was about to say was the greatest of discoveries.

"Its because you break your fast!"

"Mate… What?"

"Come on, it makes sense!" He said, indignation clear on his face.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, still confused on what his reaction should be.

A sigh left the man's lips as he slouched back on his hard seat, one hand absentmindedly rubbing his hair.

"Sorry." Nate started."Apparently, I ramble when I'm nervous."

"Nervous? Why?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something." His gaze was glued to the far wall, arms crossed over his chest as his leg bounced. He seemed to flinch suddenly, sitting straighter and forcing his gaze on Harry.

"During the first week of summer, I was on holiday" A solemn expression appeared on his face for a split second. "So I only recieved your second letter, as I explained."

"I got really worried." Nate leaned forward, solemnity flooding his eyes. "I could see that you were really angry. Like, really angry."

His hands started fidgeting on the table, his eyes following their movement. "I-I read somewhere that fear is supposed to be, like, a secondary emotion, or soming. Like, you get angry because you're hurt or scared or-"

"Anyway." His friend took a deep breath, seeming to recompose himself. All Harry could do was sit in bewilderment, trying to understand where he was going with all of this.

"You went through something very traumatic, and you need all the support you can get. So I got even more worried when you said that everyone seemed to be ignoring you. Hermione's letter only made it worse."

"Hermione wrote to you!?" Harry asked fervently, almost falling on the table with how much he leaned forward.

"I wrote to her." Nate's tone was grave and serious, his previous nervousness seemingly gone. "She said someone told her we shouldn't contact you because it could put you in danger, and neither should we tell you the happenings of the wizarding world, so you wouldn't go out looking for trouble."

Harry couldn't mask the incredulous look that took over his face even if he tried.

"That was pretty much my reaction too!" Nate said, raising a hand empathetically. "Honestly, I got really pissed at her."

The admission took Harry off guard. He knew both of his friends were on good terms with each other, so he didn't expect that from his usually mellow friend.

"I mean, sure, I followed your owl back to your house, so someone could do it too. But the bird seemed pretty smart to me, so I doubt it wouldn't know to be discreet or something." His friend ranted at the air, eyes filled with annoyance. "And that's not including the other ways there are to contact you, so I really don't understand what the fuc-"

He cut himself short abruptly, taking a deep breath to calm down. "Sorry." He said, looking Harry in the eye. "I just got really pissed about all of this. And I know it's not her fault. It's just…"

Harry had gone back to a state of complete bewilderment, never having seen his usually calm friend so out of sorts. Immediately his mind jumped to that moment before the third task, and Harry flinched. Nate did not notice.

"It's like whoever told her that didn't think of your well being at all!" The hands on the table tightened into fists to the point of knuckles going white. "Like you're something that needs to be protected, and not a human being!"

The thunderous expression on his friend's face sent chills down Harry's spine. Narrowed eyes traveled from the table to his own, and he felt his lungs stop at the intense glow that seemed to emanate from them.

"I really value your life Harry." Where he had come to expect shyness when talking sincerely, Nate now spoke with conviction, shoulders relaxed and calm eyes with intense gaze. "You've become a dear friend to me. And I agree that we should help make your life easier by keeping you safe."

Harry wanted to protest, say that he didn't need to be coddled, that he could take care of himself like he had been doing for his whole life. The words got stuck in his throat, choking him.

"But that does! Not! Mean!" Nate punctuated each word with a stab of his finger on the table, as if it were his sword impaled on his enemies. "That I will leave you to suffer alone!"

Sadness. Sorrow. Melancholy. Deep rooted regret. Harry could feel all of these intensely, all by just looking at Nate's glowing eyes. He knew the feelings intimately, understood them. Harry was afraid to think of why that was.

"You deserve a soft epilogue, Harry." Nate said in a whisper, that carried clearly across to Harry. "You're a good person, and you've suffered enough.."

He'd never seen his friend act or look emotional before. The shock that ran through him was deep when he noticed the tears in his eyes, the glow coming from them reflected on the moisture. The image of the setting sun reflected on the black lake jumped to the forefront of his mind.

"So thats why im here. Because even if I'm putting you in danger, I want you to not feel alone. I want you to know there are people you can, and should count on to help you."

For the first time since he had started speaking, Nate smiled. Soft and small and like the hope he had felt in what seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I'll be here for you. No matter what."

Harry's vision blurred, and he only noticed he was about to start crying when he recognized the tight, warm feeling in his chest. He rubbed the tears from his eyes while looking to the side, one of his hands coming up to rest on his aching heart.

"Thank you." His voice was a choked whisper he had to force to come out. But the smile on his face was the easiest to come in a long while.

The smile on his friend's face only widened in response. "No need to thank me."

It took a long moment for Harry to recompose himself. He would take deep breaths, the warmth in his chest receding minutely. And then he would look at the man across from him, smiling reassuringly, and his words would repeat in his mind and oh I'm crying again!

At last the hope stirring in his chest didn't threaten to collapse him under its relief, fading into a small flame. Beautiful and gentle. He imagined one of Nate's blue flames nestled deep in his chest.

"So…" Harry started, voice sounding strange because of the tears. "Why did you invade my room?"

Nate winced, one of his hands rising to rub his hair nervously. Harry felt himself relax in the uncomfortable seat, more at ease now that his friend seemed to go back to his usual mannerisms.

"Well, funny story actually." He chuckled awkwardly before continuing. "So, I was going to the front door when I saw a, uh, a foot."

"What?" Harry couldn't help his interruption.

"Yeah, a foot. Just, there." Nate gesticulated with his hand, as if that would make what he was saying less strange. "I kinda started panicking, thinking it was a body, or some shit."

He continued speaking even with the incredulous look Harry was giving him.

"I got close to see better, and I started seeing this, shimmering or soming. I nudged it and a little of the leg appeared."

Understanding dawned on Harry before Nate had finished his sentence. "An invisibility cloak."

"Yup!" Nate said cheerily, seemingly unbothered. "Didn't know those were a thing. But anyway, I thought he was a bad guy, so I took the thing off him and searched him. Turns out he was just some drunk."

Harry's mind whirled as he tried to comprehend the situation, fear slowly gnawing its way through him as his mind tried to come up with an explanation.

"I was just gonna ignore him, I mean, he was out cold. But I stunned him just in case."

His thoughts screeched to a halt, a different sort of panic bubbling up. "WHAT!? Are you bloody MAD!?"

"What?"

"The underage use of magic law!" The confused face Nate made did not reassure him in the slightest. "We're not allowed to do magic outside of school until we are of age!?"

Finally recognition appeared in his eyes, Nate's mouth opening in an expression of horror. "Shit. How did I forget that?"

The words seemed to be more to Harry's benefit than Nate's, and he did not know why he had that impression.

"Look, it's gonna be fine." Nate said, dismissing the worry with a wave of his hand. The panic that still persisted in his eyes told Harry otherwise . "I didn' receive any letters like you said you did, so they prolly didn' even notice."

"Okay." Harry enunciated slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose as he calmed himself. "That still doesn't explain why you scaled the wall to my room."

"I, ah, forgot how early it was when I shouted," His arms were crossed as he leaned back, eyes gazing at the table. "I panicked when I heard stomping from the house."

"Good instincts mate!" A dirty napkin aimed at him was the reward for his joke.

"I didn't wanna bring us back to serious topics, but I think you should know." His friend spoke solemnly, leaning forwards. "I'm pretty sure that guy was sent to watch you. And I bet all I own it was the same asshole that told your friends about that bullshit!"

Harry froze, mind whirring to a stop as it absorbed the information. As if it were a piece fitting into a puzzle, a name escaped his lips in a whisper.

"Dumbledore…"

"The headmaster!?" Harry barely heard his friends' words, a faint buzzing taking over his hearing as numbness set in. "God, that's fucked up."

Nate seemed to understand his friend's need for some time to think as he quieted himself, watching Harry intently and worriedly.

"I-I-" The words seemed to fail him, an incredible surge of anger surfacing from the pit of his stomach.

"It's okay!" The almost shouted broke through his fever, his head raising to see Nate standing up beside him, one hand outstretched. Harry took it gingerly, his friend pulling him to his feet.

"One thing at a time." Nate said, putting a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder. "They're just on the lookout, and they're not going to stop me from coming to you!"

Harry felt himself calm down, fully trusting that what his friend said was true. Still, he could not stop the rage and sadness that simmered in him.

"C'mon!" Nate said, the arm that was now over Harry's shoulder pushing him forward. "It's still early. Let's go have some fun!"

In spite of himself, Harry grinned.

Laying on his bed, Harry couldn't help but think of his day, so different from the others recently.

He truly feared what would become of him if he had to wait till Hogwarts to finally have some company again. Nate's visit had truly saved him, giving him enough strength to survive the rest of summer. Nate's promise to hang out once more was enough to put a smile on his face and hope in his heart. All he had demanded of him was to try and keep track of the people that were his 'guards".

A shudder passed him as he thought of the man that had still been passed out on the front lawn when he'd arrived back. He felt the anger lurking in his gut flare and pulse as he thought of the headmaster and how he did not seem to care about his suffering.

"We're getting through this!" His friend's words drifted through his mind, and Harry took a deep breath, feeling himself calm down, the anger once more drowned by the gentle blue flame.

His muscles relaxed as he sank deeper into the worn mattress. He still remembered when he felt put out by the strange man, for he did not feel like a kid sometimes, that shared a dorm with him. Sullen and tired, he seemed to drag himself through the corridors everytime they crossed paths between classes.

And yet he was one of the few that believed him about the tournament. He was the one cheering him up during that bleak Christmas where he felt so alone. He was the one that came to help him in these dark times when no one else would.

He was the only one that seemed to understand.

If a time turner ever gave him the possibility, he would tell his younger self to talk to the strange boy in his dorm that didn't seem to exist until last year. The one that had a shadow hanging over him like a shroud. The one with tired and sad eyes, just like his own.

Harry finally let the weariness of the day consume him, slowly drifting to sleep with a small smile on his face.

He would not fear the terrors that would come this time.