DISCLAIMER: This fanfic is NOT reflective of any views the author personally has of others, nor to attack anyone with similar or contrary beliefs. This whole thing is literally just some dumb fun to take a nice break from my usual stuff. I do update my chapters every so often. I'm just letting you know.
There are small levels of juxtaposition from my end, but is otherwise nothing more than harmless banter. This story is just some fun and should not be taken seriously.
Some details are going to be wrong because I can't really spend too much time on the wiki (and the wiki is not as good as I'd prefer), so forgive me if details don't line up 1 to 1 w/ the lore, but you're also free to point these mistakes out as I release chapters so I may fix them when I have time! (they're usually in there because I didn't spot them in post).
Thank you for understanding!
See the ends of the chapter for any changes and/or fixes. Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy!
Before we begin, I'm just going to say, I HATED writing Chapter 3 in the original story due to how much trouble it was to write, and the same is true with this version as well!
It was insane the first time, and it continues to be so here in the rewrite as well.
Thank you and enjoy!
Chapter 03 – Long time no see
Extermination day means different things to different denizens of Hell.
For the Godforsaken Bar and yet-to-get Grill, Extermination day usually meant two things:
A crowded bar, and business!
"One Vodka and two Brandys for table five!" Timothy arrived, setting the platter down on the table.
"Enjoy your drinks." The silver Hellhound complimented as he handed the beverages to his patrons. The moment he was done, Tim immediately went to the next table.
"Hey, new guys. what can I get you?"
One of the customers started chuckling.
"We'll have two number nines, a number nine large, a number six – extra dip, a number seven, two number 45's – one with cheese, and a large soda." He ordered.
Dollar-signs lit in Timothy's eyes as he jotted it down before heading to the kitchen to turn the order in. Evelyn got right on it as Driver continued with the dishes.
"Hey, uh, when do you close?" One of the newcomer customers asked out of curiosity.
"A half-hour ago." Timothy and the Regulars answered as Timothy served an on-the-house Vodka for the fresh face.
The arrival demon's eyes widened, taking a double look at the entrance before nodding his head with a look of shock on his face.
"Oh." He swigged his drink.
Church had taken a seat in the middle of the Sanctuary floor between the Regulars and the Newcomers, reading through the portfolio and the magazine like a newspaper, completely oblivious to some of the looks the customers from both groups were giving him.
"How the hell did he get that cross-shaped scar over his eye?" One of the Old Guard customers whispered under his Templar helm.
"Is that an honest-to-God Rosary he's wearing around his neck? Who even SELLS that down here?" One of the newcomers gossiped, sipping on an alit Fireball from a straw.
Then one of the newcomers leaned over the table.
"Psst!" He tried getting the attention of one of the Crusader Sinner Demons who was currently in the middle of a poker game with some Nomad-themed sinner demons, alongside a pair of players learning how to play a game of Ur.
"Hey, you guys know anything about the bozo?" He asked.
"Dude, it's just a hunk of jewelry." One of the newcomer's companions tried to keep the peace.
The players looked at each other and shrugged in reply.
"He was probably scammed into buying it at a crack den. Why the curiosity?"
As the gossip ensued, the incubus from earlier walked up to Church's table, took a seat, leaned back, and set his feet on the table.
"Hey." He crossed his arms, waiting for Church to greet him back.
Church blinked.
"… Hi?" He greeted back, unsure how to respond.
The incubus nodded, removing his feet from the table.
"That yesterday's red top? Nice. I'll be real, I only browse it for the porn, occasionally. Not a fan of it myself, but what's up? Crossword puzzles?" He asked.
"Well, I uh… It's… a little insane." Church fumbled to explain.
"How so?" The incubus asked.
"I'm… investigating my own murder." Church sighed with a shrug.
"That uh, killed the mood to say the least." The incubus fumbled for words trying to figure out what next to say.
"Well…" The incubus nodded.
"That's… interesting." He followed up.
"What the fuck do I even SAY to that? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY ADD TO THIS?!" The incubus gave his thoughts some time before realizing this was the second time in a single day that his charisma had suffered catastrophic existence failure.
"I could just change the subject" He cleared the spaghetti from his brain.
"I was about to compliment the scar – peculiar shape. Looks pretty badass on you." The incubus complimented.
"Eh, thanks I guess?" Church grabbed the portfolio and stuffed it in his face like a morning newspaper.
"I've seen sinner demons with scars in my time, but none like that! what's the story behind it?" The incubus probed.
"I… don't feel like talking about it." Church answered, hiding himself behind the open portfolio.
"Oh come on, all scars usually got a good story behind them. Yours can't be that bad!"
Church didn't respond. At this point, he wasn't reading the portfolio, but pretending in the hope that the incubus would just lose interest and leave.
"Ok. That didn't work, but I learned something." The incubus bit his cheek, thinking.
"Is it related to that fine thing around your neck? Looks nice! Silver, is it?" He pointed at Church's Rosary.
"… Yeah?" Church answered.
"And those beads – black onyx?" The Incubus continued chipping at the ice.
"Yeah, black onyx." Church answered.
"Cool. How'd you get your hands on that? Looks drip as fuck."
"It's… not a happy memory." Church answered and didn't say a word more.
"… Gotcha." The incubus nodded.
"How the fuck do I get this guy to open up? Usually I'm more vulgar and dirty than this, but I don't want to piss off the magic bouncer again." He put a hand to his chin and leaned onto the table, trying to think.
He then looked over to the regular patrons, watching them on their side of the sanctuary floor, enjoying their drinks, trying to stick to their side and respect the rules. Some of them were even reading and it took every fiber in the incubus's body to not crack a joke at their expense.
"Unless…!" In that moment of restraint, the incubus came to an epiphany.
"Ok Mr. Hard-to-Get! You don't want to talk about the things I want to talk about, then I'll torture you with the things I KNOW you don't want to talk about!" A wicked, playful grin painted his face.
"I tore my ass wide open one time. Want to hear how?"
Church dropped the portfolio onto the table, revealing an expression of pure shock.
"Um, NO?!" He pleaded.
"I tried taking twelve dildos up my-"
"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!" Church broke.
"NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SHIT, MAN! JEEZ!" He added.
"Works every time!" The incubus grinned.
"You see, I'd like to know about you, and if you're not willing to talk about you, then I have no shame sharing more about me, and I have a LIFETIME of shit I know you don't need to know! So how about it? You talk about yourself for a little bit, and I DON'T talk about myself at all. Deal?"
"Are you-?!" Church realized what the incubus was saying.
"IS THAT AN ULTIMATUM?!"
"Is there a problem?" An intruder on the conversation pitched in.
Turns out, some of the newcomers had gotten out of their seats and approached the table without either Church or the incubus realizing.
"Hey, get back to your seats. I got this under control-"
"Shut up, flesh-light." One of the newcomers shut the incubus down.
"Do. We. Have. A. Problem?" He asked Church again.
"NO!" Both Church and the incubus rose from their seats, then double-took at each other.
"I'm not convinced-"
*SHUNK!*
A giant, motorcycle-sized, razor-thin blade embedded itself into the center of the table.
"Do we have a problem?" Evelyn walked toward the table, the candle atop her head alit and aflame.
The sinner demon chuckled.
"I thought the boss kept you in the kitchen." He remarked.
The blade ripped itself out of the table and pointed itself at the mocker's throat before Church could blink.
"I'm sorry, what was that your friend said earlier again? WE were supposed to be the self-righteous hypocritical ass-clowns that you didn't want to share space with?" Evelyn took personal offence to the sinner demon's remark.
"Quite the hypocritical fucking statement if you ask me." She stated, expressing her personal disdain.
The two continued staring each other down.
"Is it just me or did the temperature in the room just drop?" Church asked, feeling a chill go up his spine.
"Oh hell yeah it did!" The incubus answered, feeling that exact same chill.
"Don't piss off the magic bouncer." The words echoed through everyone's head.
In that moment, the Sinner Demon blinked.
"Show's over, folks. Return to your drinks." He and his backup dancers backed off.
The incubus nodded his head and tried to return to his seat only for Evelyn to snatch him by the scruff of his neck.
"Not you. Sit back down." She glared.
The incubus reclaimed his seat next to Church.
Evelyn joined them, taking a seat for herself.
"Wanna explain to me why I shouldn't turn you both into a Saturday night Adult Swim special?" She asked.
"Why are you looking at me?! He came over here and-"
"Zip it." Evelyn shut Church down.
"I just wanted to ask and learn about him, and when he didn't open up, I just shared a joke. Can't anyone laugh anymore?" The incubus explained.
"OhmyGodpleasestoptalking" Church whispered as he face-planted into the table and wrapped his arms around the sides and back of his head.
"I wanted to learn more about you, so I did a little trolling. Just a prank, bro. I swear!" The incubus addressed to Church.
"Okay fine. I'll explain myself!" Church gave up.
"I was busy investigating my murder, which is why I didn't focus on talking with you. As for the scar, it's not a happy memory and neither is my necklace! They're genuinely not experiences I look fondly back on, and the same goes for A LOT of aspects of my life THAT I DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT!"
Church took a deep breath.
"They are a product of past experiences THAT NO SANE INDIVIDUAL WOULD BLAB ABOUT WITH RANDOM STRANGERS, BECAUSE THEY'RE GENUINELY UNCOMFORTABLE TO RECALL, AND I DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT. Now, does that, or does that not satisfy your curiosity?" He concluded.
"OOooooooooh." The incubus realized.
"That-… explains a lot."
"What the fuck did you think it was?!" Church asked, expressing confusion.
"I-… I thought you were homophobic."
"Say sike right fucking now." Church glared at the incubus with the intensity of a thousand suns.
"Girls, chill. Continue." Evelyn remained the most intimidating presence in the conversation.
"Dude, everyone else that looks like you is! I thought you'd be the same."
"The fuck you mean the same?! You never even fucking met me until today you typecasting fuck!" Church retorted.
"I made a mistake."
"Second time this day, actually." Evelyn quipped.
Church folded his arms, upset.
"Dude, I'm sorry." The incubus apologized.
Church groaned.
"Fine! Fine. I accept."
The incubus nodded.
"But you're still an asshole for stereotyping me!" Church tacked-on.
"Fair enough." The incubus nodded.
"Alrighty. Now you can leave." Evelyn motioned the incubus to return to his previous seat.
The incubus complied.
Evelyn turned her attention to Church.
"Bad day?" She asked.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that." Church answered, still worn out from being chased by the exterminator outside.
"Wanna move to the corner booth over there and vent on me about it?" Evelyn invited.
"Fuck yes!" Church released his frustration in a raspy voice, grabbing his things and rising from his seat.
. . .
Evelyn had picked out a nice corner-booth next to the podium, deep into the Sanctuary next to one of the service doors for her and Church to converse.
"Thanks for… helping me out back there." Church forced himself to smile as he set his stuff down.
"Name's Evelyn." The Baphomet offered her hand in greetings.
"Church. Nice to meet you, Evelyn." He accepted the handshake.
"Tiernan, I presume?" She kept up the small talk.
"And how would she know that?" Church's hairs stood on edge again.
"Our mutual friend, Zack called. He told Timothy you'd be coming." Evelyn smiled.
Church looked over his shoulder back at the bar and entrance, then back to Evelyn.
"Guess I made one hell of a first impression." He joshed.
Evelyn cracked a little, trying to hold back a laugh at Church's joke.
"I appreciate the courtesy laugh." He complimented.
The two took their seats in the corner-booth.
"So Church, how long have you been here?" Evelyn broke the remaining ice while waving her hand to summon an ice cube from her hand.
"I want to say, roughly a week – five days, I think." Church answered.
"Only five days? Did you take an escape-the-exterminator crash course at the time, or were you too busy being the cute quiet kid from middle school?"
"I-, uh-… I'm…" Church blushed, rubbing his forearms with his hands.
"You think I'm cute?" His brain took a moment to reboot.
"Not the social type?" Evelyn asked.
"Extrovert! Huge one actually! Just-…" Church tried to focus on the conversation while also distracted by the Cathedral's walls, murals, and ceiling.
"Just not with-… well… uh-…"
"Just not with…?" Evelyn motioned at him, anticipating his answer.
Church bit his lip.
"Not with what? Dude, talk to me." Evelyn continued prying at him.
"Hey, you're the first time today I've had a normal-ish casual conversation. Forgive me for the whiplash." Church pointed at the stain glass windows.
"I think the Cathedral look pretty nice!" He tried to change the subject.
Evelyn rubbed her face in frustration, melting the ice cube in her hand against the alit candle atop her forehead.
"Okay, uh, let's try starting from the top: Why do you smell like gasoline? How did you get that on you? How did you manage to escape the Exterminator outside?" She asked.
"Uh… Deodorant?" Church sheepishly answered.
Evelyn gawked at him.
"Oh yes. You expect me to believe that you escaped extermination via a magical case of deodorant."
Church blinked.
"… Considering I got a door slammed in my face via magic a day after I got here, that wouldn't surprise me, but that's not what I meant."
"Okay. What did you mean?"
"The gasoline smell is actually from a deodorant."
Evelyn blinked.
"Who the hell uses gasoline as a deodorant?"
"Look, it was the only option I had at the time and I got no money." Church shyly answered.
Evelyn rolled her eyes and conjured a second ice cube, placing it in her mouth.
"If only I had a nice Brandy-cola." She reminisced before looked at Church.
"Want me to get you something to drink?" She offered.
"No thanks, I'm underage."
Evelyn blankly looked at Church.
"Why are you here?"
Church raised an eyebrow, confused.
"In Hell or at the bar?"
Evelyn facepalmed herself again.
"Christ on a stick, you're an idiot."
"I'm sorry. I'm just-"
"Stop being sorry and just answer the original question!"
"Alright, alright." Church adjusted his position in the booth.
"I was-…" He swallowed.
"I'm currently on my way to a place I only know as I.M.P City."
"Okay. Next?" Evelyn nodded, gesturing Church to continue.
"I remember me, and Driver were escaping from some sort of light in the sky."
"And this light in the sky is dangerous because…?" Evelyn gestured.
"Exterminators. " Church answered.
Pause.
"… Oh." Evelyn bit her lip as the feeling of stupid set in.
"ANYWAY!" Church blurted, then cleared his throat.
"I've been down here for a little less than a week. I found a portfolio of people, whose profiles matched those that died in the same freak-incident I died in – the one with the magazine here." Church opened up the portfolio and magazine and showed Evelyn what he knew.
"Huh. Interesting." Evelyn nodded, listening.
Church coughed.
"I-… I actually wanted a glass of water, but I was too scared to answer, because I was worried I'd get it thrown in my face." He took in a deep breath and sighed, rubbing his face.
Evelyn looked down at the table and nodded.
Timothy, listening on the whole exchange with his Hellhound hearing from the bar, took three glasses and filled them with ice water.
"I don't really know how to explain what I'm doing. What do-" Church hushed when he heard someone approaching from behind.
*THUD* The sound of the three thick, heavy glasses of water striking the table reverberated throughout the sanctuary floor of the Cathedral hall.
"Are those ballads?" Only now did Evelyn notice the change in music.
"Drink up, kid." Timothy passed him a glass.
"Wait, you were… listening to me?" Church blinked.
"Kid, I'm a hellhound." Timothy answered.
Church took a sip. The water was cold and refreshing.
"I didn't know the Godforsaken was a bar. I just thought it was a cathedral." Church started slowly coming out of his metaphorical shell as he ran through other things to talk about.
"First impressions can be deceiving – like what happened between you and that incubus earlier." Timothy pulled up a chair, joining the two.
"I was about to ask, does that happen a lot here?" Church asked.
"Not really. Most Sinner Demons stay in the cities as the ones here are either nomads, outcasts, or even people that used to be highly religious when they were alive. You know those Crusader-looking guys over there? People like them, but they're not always crusaders."
"What do you mean by ''not always''?" Church asked.
"Many Sinner demons that stop by or become regular patrons come from many different walks of life – some, nomads, others outcast, but to our credit our customer base has the highest religious diversity throughout all of the circle of Pride!" The Hellhound explained.
"Hellborn on the other hand, usually only stop by for a quick drink, or are just trying to take a break from the more hardcore stuff, which is also something we make sure to advertise." He concluded.
"Sounds like you have everything figured out." Church nodded, taking a sip of his ice water.
"Had to cut a deal with a certain radio demon to get our advertisement on the air… - " Timothy whispered.
"But I like to think we have it figured out. Ain't that right, Evelyn?" He concluded.
"Yes we do, boss." Evelyn nodded.
Church nodded in turn.
"So, Zach never told me you were a furry." Church's pupils shrank as he immediately realized what he just said.
"WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?!" His brain screamed at him as Church wanted nothing more than to bludgeon himself with a frying pan.
Timothy nodded.
"Well, I guess it- Don't you ever fucking call me a furry again. I'll KILL you!"
Evelyn hid her giggle with her hand.
"This is the most entertaining social disaster I've ever participated in."
Someone's phone started screaming nu metal.
Timothy got up again to reach into his pocket and pull out his phone.
"Godforsaken. Timothy speaking." He held it to his ear, walking away from the booth.
"Oh, hey Zack! What's up?" He shot a glance at church as he continued pacing on the sanctuary floor as customers kept to themselves.
Church couldn't hear what was being discussed over the phone.
"Damn. Okay." Timothy sighed.
"Alright. Driver's currently here, but once he's done, I'll have-" Timothy halted, interrupted.
Church tried again to listen in on the call but couldn't make anything out.
"Okay Zack, seriously - what's going on?" Timothy looked dead-on at the sinner, perplexed.
"Alright, fine. I'll keep you posted. Thanks man."
Timothy hung up the phone.
"So Church, how do you know Zack?"
Church shrugged.
"He found me in a dumpster, and that's all I really know."
"Right. I'm going to go out back to make sure Driver is prepped for tomorrow. Don't cause trouble while I'm away." Timothy headed off deeper into the Cathedral, disappearing behind one of the service doors.
Church and Evelyn sat in the booth in awkward silence.
"So, uh… Church-boy!" Evelyn tried to start up the conversation again, sliding the water Timothy gave her back-and-forth into her hands.
"What-… Uh… What do you enjoy? Got any hobbies?" She reached for straws, trying to continue the conversation.
"Well, I-…"
"She called me Church-boy." Church froze up, then looked away again as something knocked at the back of his head like a door.
"You ok?" Evelyn conjured another ice cube and dropped it in her water.
"I'm trying, but-…" Church worked out.
"What's wrong?"
"If I tell you, you promise not to laugh at me?" Church rubbed his hands with a forced smile on his face.
"Sure. Hit me." Evelyn listened.
"I-…" Church braced himself.
"I suffer from Rhabdophobia."
Pause.
One of the bar patrons started laughing hysterically.
"I have no idea what that even means." Evelyn Blinked.
"A phobia is an-"
"I know what a phobia is. What does Rudolph the red-nose reindeer have to do with it?" Evelyn asked.
The patron's howling laughter continued as Church fumbled for words.
"I'm deathly afraid of magic." He explained.
Pause.
Evelyn blinked.
"... Ah." She acknowledged.
"I take it you didn't just wake up one day and decide that for yourself." Evelyn joked.
Church took a sip of his water.
"So, how'd it happen?" She asked.
Church met her with a nervous stare, hesitating to answer.
"Your fear of magic, I mean." Evelyn clarified.
"Oh, that! Well… It's quite the story." Church shyly laughed.
"Is it connected to your scar?" Evelyn innocently asked.
"… Well, yes." Church sighed.
"What happened?" Evelyn asked.
"Just something my sister did."
"What'd she do?"
Church sighed with a groan.
"She did something stupid. I don't really want to talk about it."
Evelyn took Church's hand into her own.
"You don't need to." She comforted him.
"Family situations… can get really messy." Evelyn added.
Evelyn's words gave Church a smile.
*CLI-CLOCK* The Cathedral's front doors unlocked.
The customers readied their weapons as the doors opened, only to be surprised at who was pulling them open.
"DON'T LET IT IN!" An entirely different group of demons and hellborn sprinted in and struggled to pull the doors back shut.
The long-timer patrons were the first to sprint to help the group, followed by one or two of the newcomers as the rest simply aimed their weapons from their seats.
"CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!"
Something tried to pull the doors back open, but the demons seemed able to shut them.
"Alright! Someone reach for the-"
*CLI-CLOCK*
The cathedral's locking mechanisms engaged on their own.
"… Deadbolts?"
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!* Whatever was outside furiously pounded on the doors.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!* It knocked again.
Pause.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
Silence.
The silence dragged on for an extra minute.
"Did it go away?" someone finally found the courage to ask.
The open signs in the Cathedral windows turned off for a second time.
"They must've switched on when the group was approaching to let them know to come here." Timothy noticed.
"Well, it seems we're stuck here." One of the new group commented.
"Don't worry! You're in good company!" One of the regulars jested, patting the newbie on the back with an armored glove.
"WHEW! That was close!" One of the arriving Hellborn – an imp, wiped the sweat off his forehead, smiling.
"We're alive!"
Evelyn and Church sat quietly in their seats hoping no one would notice them.
"I don't ever want to do this ever again!" Another arrival nervously laughed.
"I thought Extermination day was OVER! What the fuck was THIS shit?!"
The group started taking seats – some at the bar, some in the pew-booths. The Godforsaken went from quietly crowded to overcrowded in a literal moment's notice.
The atmosphere in the Godforsaken was already tense between the "Long-time Regulars" and their anti-theist counterpart "The Newcomers", but now instead of two groups of customers that already didn't like each other, there's now THREE, and there are not enough empty seats in the Newcomer's section to accommodate. Even for those few seats on their side of the bar, the Newcomers did not welcome the new group, "The Arrivals".
"If my friends hears about this, I won't hear the end of it!" One of the Arrivals took a seat between a Templar and one of Sal ah-din's company.
"Hey boys, come here often?" Another arrival started hitting on another one of the regulars.
"God, I know you sent us to Hell, but... Whyyyyyyyyyy?" One of the Regulars trying to play poker buried his head in his cards as he muffled his screams of annoyance.
One of the arrival demons went straight for the bar and picked a seat.
"Bartender!"
Almost as if on que, Timothy pulled a container of ice from the kitchen as Driver came out from one of the service doors with his gear, ready to start taking orders.
Church kept his mouth shut.
"Name and phone number?" Driver took the giant book and started jotting.
One of the demons – a Hellborn, started approaching Church and Evelyn's booth. Evelyn recognized what she specifically is but didn't say anything.
"The Devil be a pretty lady in a red dress." Church described her without speaking a word.
"Okay, Church – don't say anything. I'm gonna do the talking." Evelyn winked at him.
"As long as I don't have to deal with incubi ever again, that's just fine by me." Church whispered.
"Not racist." He tried to clarify.
"Considering the piece of shit that nearly got you ass-fucked was the same guy that started shit with me earlier today, consider this a pass." Evelyn joked back.
"Hey there you two. Am I interrupting something?" The succubus twirled her tail.
"Nah. We're good. Matter of fact, we have a seat open here if you want to join for the time being." Evelyn put on a smile and stirred her water.
"Sounds wonderful – and with a tall, broad imp like that at your side, how can I refuse?" She eyed Church like a piece of meat, taking a seat and scootching over to meet her hips with Church's own.
"Uh, what- what do you mean by that?" Church asked, looking over to Evelyn with a half-panicked look on his face.
The succubus wrapped her tail around Church's waist, tapping the table with her free hand, behaving like an attention-seeking cat.
"I've heard of imps growing tall, but damn, cutie! What have they been feeding you back in Wrath?" The succubus flirted.
"I uh… I don't-… Where?!" Church asked, confused.
"… Wait a minute." The succubus blinked.
"You're a Sinner Demon, aren't you?" She correctly guessed.
Church was too embarrassed to answer at the moment.
"Well, I be damned! What's a pure little angel like you doing here? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She adjusted her strategy.
Evelyn face palmed as Church gave her a look of pleading at the same time.
"Yes. Yes, it absolutely did." Church answered in the most deadpan, yet polite tone he could muster.
"I can imagine, such a landing must've really hurt you." She confidently continued flirting.
"IT DID. It hurt A LOT, ACTUALLY." Church frowned.
"Well, give me fifteen minutes and I could make that pain go away~!" She put her hand on Church's chest and moved her face uncomfortably closer to his.
"Wha-? HELLO?! I'M RIGHT HERE! WHAT HAPPENED TO LUST VALUES CONSENT?!" Evelyn was understandably not taking the situation any better than Church was.
"Oh come on, live a little. You can join in if you-"
"STOP!" Church yelled. The succubus stopped trying to pull him out of the booth.
"Miss, I know you're attracted to me, so I'm going to be as nice as possible."
"Lemme guess – Homo?" She shot Church a finger gun.
"NO!" Church jumped onto the table.
"I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO ANYONE! PERIOD!" He waved his arms like a baseball referee calling it at a homerun.
For a moment, Church had the attention of the entire bar.
"I've only ever been attracted to ONE person before in my life, and I fucking blew it." He hopped off the table onto the floor.
"I don't talk about shit like my sexuality, my love-life, or me AT ALL in general, because they're ALL genuinely painful memories that fucking HURT to talk about, let alone with absolute Goddamn strangers! I. DON'T. LIKE. TALKING. ABOUT. ME. Now, does ANYTHING of what I just said answer your fucking question?!"
"Wait, you two aren't together then?" The succubus switched between pointing at Church then Evelyn.
"NO!" Church answered loudly.
Evelyn bit her cheek and looked down at the table.
"Huh. Okay. Lucky me, then!" The succubus put a hand to her lips and blew Church a kiss – that is, the "blow-kiss" manifested into a sigil that hit Church in the face so hard, he fell backwards into a seat.
"Wha-?! HEY!" Evelyn rose from her seat and confronted the succubus.
"The hell do you think you're doing!?" She yelled.
"Your not-boyfriend had a bad experience with one girl. Boo-fucking-hoo." The succubus mocked.
"Excuse me?! YOU don't know that! I don't know that! All we know is that he said he blew it! HE NEVER GAVE CONTEXT TO WHAT THE FUCK HE EVEN MEANT!" Evelyn raised her voice.
"*COUGH!* *HACK!* *COUGH!*" Church violently reacted to the powder-like cloud that constructed around his face.
"Oh God. He told me he was afraid of magic. Not allergic to it!" Evelyn facepalmed.
"What spell did you cast on him? Take it off!" She demanded.
"Watch and learn, girly. He'll warm up, right as rain." The succubus checked her nail polish.
"Okay, lady. I don't know what your problem is, but I'm going to ask you to leave. I'll dispel it on my own!" Evelyn finally lost her patience with the succubus's shenanigans.
"If you insist. Come along now, Churchy-boy!" She got up from her seat and beckoned Church to follow.
"*COUGH!* *HACK!*" He was still having a violent reaction.
"Lady, you have five seconds to undo whatever you did to my customer here, or I'm going to-"
"He's fine! See? Look at-"
The entire cathedral started getting brighter.
*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH* He dragged his hand down the table, leaving a streak of claw marks embedded into the material.
"… Him?!"
If looks could kill, Church was there.
"Lady, what did you do!? WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Evelyn panicked.
"I- I just-…" The succubus dispelled her magic.
The scar on Church's eye was starting to glow to the point of illumination the inside of the cathedral. Church wasn't returning to normal.
He started smiling: Not the good kind.
"I dispelled it! I don't know what's-"
*BANG!*
Church snapped out of it. The lighting in the Godforsaken immediately returned to normal and the X over Church's eye dispelled.
Evelyn looked over and saw Timothy holding a shotgun, Driver with a pistol with a smoking barrel, and everyone else in the bar pointing their weapons dead at Church.
"What the hell was THAT?!" One of the patrons asked.
"SHE did it!" Evelyn thought quick and pointed fingers at the succubus.
"No! I-"
"Hush it!" Timothy vaulted over the bar counter and started approaching the table, shotgun still pointed at Church.
"She came over here and she-"
"ZIP IT EVELYN." Timothy yelled, taking a deep breath.
"Now listen close. I'm gonna give you MY side of the story because it's the only one that matters!"
Timothy looked over to Church.
"You ain't gonna go psycho-crazy on me?"
"Um, no?" Church was shocked at the question.
"Alright then." Timothy lowered the shotgun.
"I've had a VERY long day today, and now I have to work overtime because of some bullshit beyond my control! If I didn't have Driver helping me, I would've kicked ALL your asses out for the exorcists to use your small intestines as flesh lights!
"I'm tired. I haven't eaten since breakfast, but THIS is exactly what I know: YOU, CHURCH, I told to stay out of trouble while I helped Driver earlier, while outside is an exterminator roaming about that can kill us by BLINKING, who were supposed to fuck off some hours ago!"
Timothy then pointed at the succubus.
"And then after I start making drinks, YOU go over – and frankly, I give zero fucks about WHY you did, but when I looked over, I saw Church there, looking uncomfortably close to them exterminator folk, and he was GLOWING LIKE THE FREAKING SUN! So, I put two-and-two together, and decided you BOTH were pissing me off!"
Timothy took another deep breath.
"Now, with that said, none of you ain't gonna start no shit in the Godforsaken no more, or I will defenestrate you out the belltower after putting a couple 4-gauge buckshot rounds through your guts! Am I clear?!"
Timothy turned to Church.
"Yes, Mr. Timothy." He bowed his head.
Timothy looked at Evelyn.
"Wha- WHAT DID I DO?!" At first she felt mad, but then saw Timothy's shotgun.
"Okay, fine! I'm sorry I didn't turn her ass into fried chicken!" She muttered like a rebellious teenager against her older sibling.
And then lastly, Timothy looked at the Succubus.
"… What?" She asked.
Timothy chambered the round of his 4-guage shotgun.
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!" She raised her hands to her chest, complying.
Pause.
"This shotgun was made to shoot down airplanes. Just thought I'd let you know." Timothy commented.
"Evelyn, break time's over. Back to work." He ordered.
"Yes… sir." Evelyn complied with a groan.
"And YOU, get with the gang you rode in with, like everyone else here." He barked at the succubus.
She complied without comment.
Timothy looked at Church.
"You! You get to make up for the fucking heart attack you gave everyone by cleaning dishes and staying out of sight for the rest of the night – and I don't mean the evening shift that Driver just got done. You get the backlog." Timothy ordered.
"Wait, boss, no, don't-" Evelyn tried to interject.
"OH BOSS, YES. Church here is going to do THE BACKLOG." Timothy answered.
"The backlog!?" Driver overheard, showing equal parts fear and concern.
"The backlog. Now, up out of your seat and get to it, Church. Chop, chop!"
Church got out of his seat and started walking, only now noticing the evil looks everyone from all three groups were giving him.
*Click* One of them pulled back the hammer of a six-shooter, aimed at Church's heart.
"Folks, chill! He's not an exterminator! Back to your drinks!" Timothy calmed the crowd down, returning to his spot behind the counter, resting his 4-guage shotgun on his shoulder as he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and refilled a customer's empty glass.
After setting the bottle down, the hellhound pounded on the walls of the cathedral.
"And play something snazzy! The suspense is killing me!"
"Who is he even talking to?" Church observed.
Without any input whatsoever, the jukebox fired up and started playing some Big Tuna.
"Sweet home Alabama?!" One of the patrons blinked, bamboozled by the music choice.
"It's the clean version that was made for a videogame, I think." Another patron answered.
The customers put their guns and weapons away, returning to their drinks.
Church brushed by Evelyn on his way to one of the service doors.
"Wha-?! Hey!" The Baphomet stopped him.
"You mind at least explaining to me what the actual fuck that was about?!" She asked.
Church didn't answer, just giving her an apologetic look before moving past her.
"Church? Church!" She moved to put her hand on his shoulder.
"What was-"
Church shoved her arm away. The glowing "X" returned over his scarred eye.
Evelyn stepped back and instinctively summoned a shield-spell to separate them.
Church snapped out of it again. The "X" over his eye dissipated.
"I'm sorry. I didn't-…" Church couldn't find the words.
He turned back and disappeared behind one of the service doors.
Evelyn stood there for a moment, still keeping the shield spell up until the door closed behind Church.
She turned around and started making her way to the succubus. If she had less restraint, she would've bitch-slapped her straight to heaven before beating her ass back to Hell.
"The fuck did you do to him?!"
"I-…" The succubus stuttered.
"SPIT IT OUT." Evelyn summoned her blade.
"I MIGHT have casted an illusion spell to make me look like someone he loved in the past…?" The succubus ''found the courage'' to explain.
Evelyn stared blankly at the answer.
"WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"
The succubus took a sip of her drink.
"No one I've ever casted that spell on had ever reacted like that before. Like fuck! I'm sorry! I didn't know!"
"WELL YOU BIMBO, GUESS WHAT? ANYONE CASTING SPELLS IN HERE THAT AIN'T ME GETS THEIR HEAD MOUNTED ON THE FUCKING WALL!"
Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned – or perhaps in this case, Evelyn's particular scorn.
"DO I MAKE MYSELF CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR?!"
. . .
Church walked into the room, lining his back to the wall, slowly sliding down until he sat on the floor.
"It wasn't my fault." Church sat there, blinking, thinking, hesitating.
Something like a knock on the door sounded in back of his head. He remained like that for a while.
"Her face, her eyes, her voice…"
For a moment, he smiled, remembering something pleasant and good.
"After school… when my dad…"
Fond memories returned. The knocking grew louder.
"We sat together on the bench; my first kiss."
He remembered that moment fondly.
"I'm holding you; you're holding me. We're at your-"
And then knocking became hitting. The bad memories came.
Church was at the door to her family's house. He stopped by to visit after school because he hadn't seen her all day.
He opened the door…
"Church?" Timothy opened the door to the room.
Church cleaned his face with his sleeve.
"I'm sorry. I just-…" He sniffled, untangling his sleeve from his sheep-horns.
"I figured when you went through the kitchen door and didn't arrive there, there's something going on." Timothy entered the room, put his back against the wall, and (minding his tail) slowly slid down, taking a seat next to Church on the floor.
"How long have I been in here?" Church asked, referring to the room.
Twenty minutes." Timothy answered.
"I'm sorry." Church apologized.
Timothy nodded, silently accepting the apology.
The two sat there for a while.
"You know, it's really funny that we're in this room in particular." The Hellhound commented.
"Why so?" Church asked.
"Look for yourself." Timothy replied.
Church analyzed the room he was in.
It was a small, humble room with a dusty confession booth to the side that looked like it hadn't been dusted in years. What caught Church's eye was a humble altar that was present below a humble window, letting in light.
At the base of the altar, fallen from its place was an ornament: a brass crucifix, just like one that Church's Dad had back home.
"Life for me wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows either." Timothy explained.
"What happened?" Church asked.
"It's a long story."
"So's mine." Church answered.
"Well, I guess I can give you a quick run-down." Tim shrugged.
"Mom was… not great at what she did. Got into trouble. Shortly later I was born, and she gave me up for adoption. No one came for me. I got older and the old lady said, "I got you a job at the dildo factory, now fuck off and work, kid!" but on my way there, I asked myself "do I really want to do this with my life?" so I left the city and wandered in the wasteland instead. I remember never being happy – just pure miserable. I remember wanting to die."
Church continued listening.
"Anyway, it was the middle of a horrible storm when I-…" Timothy fumbled for words.
"Found this giant, big-ass Cathedral in the middle of Hell?" Church shrugged.
"… I think it was the Godforsaken that found me." Tim answered.
And just like that, Church was lost.
"You mean the crusaders in the lobby? Zack? What do you mean?" He asked.
Timmothy chuckled.
"No. I mean The Godforsaken." The Hellhound answered.
"… The building?" Church stared at Timothy, confused.
"She isn't just a building, Church." He answered.
"Wait, you mean the whole looney-tunes episode earlier with Driver, where he tried to leave but then entered through a door on the opposite side of the Sanctuary?" Church asked.
"She does have a sense of humor like that sometimes, but she's also more than that." Timothy nodded.
"Wait… The deadbolts engaging and unlocking on their own, the open lights, the doors, the jukebox… The cathedral is alive?!"
"Dude, that's literally what I JUST SAID! I thought it was obvious after all that's happened!" Timothy laughed.
"I didn't know! I thought it was just goofy Hell "ha-ha" magic shenanigans! I don't know how any of this works!" Church shrugged.
"Neither do I, but magic is Evelyn's thing and even she still gets surprised." Timothy caught his breath.
Church took a moment to think.
"Well, what convinced you to turn the place into a bar?"
Timothy took a deep breath with a gentle smile on his face.
"The idea was originally supposed to be a restaurant, but we weren't getting the customers we needed, so we settled on Bar-and-Grill, with "tame" being our sales pitch."
"Well, yeah, but… why, though?" Church asked.
"Because… she was lonely. I was the only person she met in literal centuries. I wanted her to have friends, so here we are." He answered.
"You… turned a Cathedral into a bar & grill… because the Cathedral was lonely?" Church raised an eyebrow.
"I didn't convert her into a bar & grill. I just renovated her and kept almost everything the same while focusing on the stuff that mattered." Timothy answered.
Church nodded, accepting the answer.
"Anyways, I gotta get back to work, and you need to get started on that backlog!" The Hellhound rose from his spot and stepped out of the room.
"Your first drink is still on the house. Just thought I'd let you know." Timothy added before closed the door behind him.
Church took a deep breath, eyeing the fallen brass crucifix from earlier. He knelt down and took the ornament into his hands, holding it as he knelt before the altar. Slowly, Church rose and returned the brass cross to its place on the altar, illuminated by the red light seeping in from the window.
"I know you can't hear me down here big G… but, honestly, it's just in me to speak to you." Church fixed his clothes, adjusting his necklace.
"Ironic. Even now, here in literal hell, I'm still worshiping the same God that threw me down here." Church brought the small silver crucifix of the rosary to his lips and kissed it, then tucked it back into his shirt, exposing only a couple of the onyx prayer beads.
"What can I say? Habits die hard. Ain't I right?" Church looked at the altar again before leaving the room.
"Please, if she's down here, all I ask is that we just don't ever run into each other. I don't think she'd ever want to see me again, and I don't think I could bear the thought of her being down here."
Church walked back out the door.
No one could see it, but after the door closed behind Church, the light from the window cleared from the red of Hell to a pristine white.
Church didn't know why, but he felt refreshed as if he was ready to climb a mountain.
"Okay, now, what was it about that backlo-OOOOOOOAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!"
Before Church was nothing short of a mountain of plates, platters, cauldrons, utensils, cups, mugs, more plates and dishes of every size and type before him.
"See this, Church? THIS is the backlog!" Timothy answered, pointing at the mountain.
"It's been here before the place was a bar. It was here before I was born. These dishes haven't been done in over a couple-hundred years, and nobody's volunteered to take care of it, so GET SCRUBBING! Here's the soap!" The Hellhound ordered.
(As I said before, I hated writing Chapter 03 in the original story. The same applies here.)
Thank you for reading A Hope in Hell (aka, Hell's Answered Prayer)! I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts. If you've spotted an inconsistency, let me know so I can fix it. I don't always spy them in post, so it's always nice to have someone tell me as soon as possible!
Thank you for your time and I hope you have a good rest of your day!
STORY Fixes!
- Completely OVERHAULED entire segments of the chapter.
- Gave Timothy a backstory (a poor one that I question if it was even worth making, but that's a problem for later).
- More fixes that I can't remember at the moment to write here.
I don't know if some of the decisions I made here were improvements or side-grades at best or if some of these decisions were mistakes.