"Here ya go Naruto," said Teuchi. A nice plate of ramen was put in front of him. "Sasuke, what would you like?"
"Um, Miso?"
"Coming right up kid." Sasuke flinched at the use of the word kid.
"Hey Sasuke," said Ayame. "You look different. A lot happier now I would say."
"Yeah? Thanks."
"So do you have a girlfriend?" Naruto spit out the ramen he was eating.
"No," Sasuke said in a monotone voice.
"Oh well you got that look in your face when someone has a crush on somebody. The calm demeanor, you honestly seem kind've content. You're never like this."
"I do? Do I really look that miserable most of the time?"
"Yes," Teuchi answered for her. "I'm glad to see you happy for once, like actually happy. Sure, you've laughed and smiled but there's always these huge bags under your eyes and, god, they just look empty. It's like you have a will to live now."
"Does everyone think I looked depressed?"
"You don't wanna know what the people in the village think of you," said Ayame.
"I can take it."
"Well they think you're a schizo Sasuke. Ptsd, depression. All the mental disorders you can think of."
Well maybe I can fix that.
"Do you want to go out on a date?"
Teuchi looked at him in disbelief, mouth agape. Naruto just stared at him with wide eyes.
"Aren't you-well I guess you aren't if you're asking me out huh?"
"You have balls to ask out my daughter in front of me, kid. You're lucky her mom is no longer with us because…god she would spit you out for trying to make her your beard."
"What's a beard?" Sasuke asked. Ayame and Teuchi both laughed until their bellies hurt.
"Good one kid but my baby girl is way too old for you."
"Dad," whined Ayame. "Stop calling me your baby girl!" Her face was red.
"Yeah, Sasuke," grumbled Naruto. "Do you ever think about that? Are you trying to get Ayame on a list?"
"No, I just happen to have experience with older women." The room went quiet and Naruto went back to slurping his ramen. No one said anything for a while until Teuchi gave Naruto the check.
"Actually I think Sasuke is going to pay this time." He got up and left. Teuchi looked at Sasuke and opened his hand. Sasuke had never paid for ramen in his life. He didn't even like ramen! He sighed and took out some coins.
"Here."
"Thanks kid." Sasuke went home and looked into the mirror again.
"Hey." 'HIM' appeared in an instant.
"What's going on?"
"I asked Ayame out."
"Whose Ayame?"
"Teuchi daughter? You're me, shouldn't you know her?"
"The ramen family is only important to Naruto and since Naruto is important to you they're important to you, to everyone else their filler characters that don't deserve to have names."
"Oh."
"But good on you for asking her out."
"She said something about how people think I'm crazy so I thought I'd fix that by trying to date a nice girl."
"She's too old for you bud."
"She's seventeen, that's way younger than any of my aunties were." 'HIM' looked almost sad for Sasuke, well he was 'HIM' so 'HIM' would understand his pain.
"Maybe you should shoot for girls that aren't on the cusp of adulthood. Like fifteen max."
"Well there's literally everyone that wants to fuck me at school. Not to mention my fanclub."
"Good, fuck them."
"Which ones?"
"Well there's Sakura, pretty girl. She could be nice." Sasuke groaned. He wasn't the biggest fan of Sakura right now.
"I'm half convinced the only reason she's so obsessed with me is because she's deep in the closet. I mean have you seen the way she looks at other girls?"
"She could be your beard," suggested 'HIM'.
"I'm not gay."
"I never said you were." Sasuke raised an eyebrow at what 'HIM' was suggesting.
"Give it to me straight, am I gay?" 'HIM' burst out laughing.
"How can I answer if you're gay when you want it straight? Straight where? Straight into your butthole?!"
"Ignoring how I phrased it, am I gay?"
"No."
"You're not telling me something."
"I know."
"Why?"
"Because if I told you now, you would never accept it."
"How can you know that?"
"Because I'm you, Sasuke. Future you. I know how this story goes."
"Why are you here?"
"Because you need an older brother figure in your life so now I'm here. We don't need people saying you act like a brotherless child too."
"You care about me? Like, you don't want to hurt me or have sinister intentions beneath the surface?"
"I would never hurt you. I'm not Itachi."
"I hate that name."
"I know, but I'm not like your big brother. I promise."
"So what do I do now? Have sex with everyone in Konoha? How do I stop them from thinking I'm crazy?"
"Well if you have sex with everyone in the damn village you'll probably get a bunch of people pregnant, and cause another village wide epidemic of STDS like Sakura's mom."
"Was she really that popular?"
"More than you could ever know."
"So, I don't ask people out?"
"No, just ask people out on dates until one works out. That way you don't look like a fuckboy, just a guy exploring your options."
"Okay, thanks. Have any other suggestions?"
"You'll figure it out." 'HIM' left and Sasuke went to bed.