Sasuke was in a lot of pain. He wasn't sure why he was in said pain, but he knew where it was. It was on his head and between his fingers. He wiggled his fingers to make sure they still worked. Naruto kept yelling at that tree but Sasuke couldn't hear what he was saying. There was a ringing in his ears. His head hurt, obviously, but he was too scared to try and see the extent of it. Is this what it feels like to die? Is this what my parents felt when…no you don't deserve to be named. What do I do now? Well since this is going to be my last chance…

"Naruto," he cleared his throat. "I love-." At that moment his entire world changed. Sasuke's wounds healed and the pain was no more. He got up completely fine. Kakashi jumped down from the tree and put the book away.
"Well, sorry about that!" He gave an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head. But Naruto wasn't having it.

"Sorry?!" he shrieked. "For almost killing Sasuke?! What the hell was that?!"

"Genjutsu," he said. "It wasn't real. And I wasn't apologizing for making you think he was dying. I'm apologizing for almost causing a confession." Sasuke almost bit his tongue. This guy…is honest but annoying.

"Almost causing a confession?!" cried Naruto. "What confession?!"

"Sometimes when people think they're dying they say stuff they would've never have said if they were alive and well. But anyway, my reason for doing this? I needed to show you the perils of being a ninja in today's world. Naruto, you talk about becoming the Hokage like when a kid answers what they want to do when they become an adult. You're twelve, grow up. Sasuke, you are obsessed with this one goal of yours. You can't live in the present. You're constantly distracted. I've looked at some of your old school work. Everything after seven years of age is just drawings of your brother getting killed. Every essay you ever wrote contains an excessive amount of violence. The school psychiatrist almost fainted when she saw those and she's lived through a lot!"

All three responded at the same time.

"We have a school psychiatrist!?"
"Yeah, downstairs in the basement. Did they not tell you about her?"

"I honestly thought those people were a myth made up by tv," said Naruto.

"I thought we didn't have those," said Sasuke. "I knew other villages had them but not ours!"

"Me too," said Sakura.

"Anyway, Haruno. You…you don't stand out much. You've got no interesting backstory."
"And what would count as an interesting backstory?"

"Trauma, abuse, losing family members. The greatest shinobi are were already fucked up from day one. Why do you think they're so great at their jobs? You're too innocent. Your name means cherry blossom, your clan…is a mix of nobodies and somebody who is known for a…different technique."

"You mean her mom?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah."
"What technique does she know?" Sasuke grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. He then whispered in his ear.

"She was good at giving blowjobs and…whipping people. She was known as Mebuki the Menace. Or Haruno Handjobs."
"Why would she whip-." Sasuke shoved him forward. He was not having a conversation about that with Naruto.

"Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that you all need to take this seriously and be present. Be more aggressive. Attack to kill. Like you actually want to do this and not because you have other goals in mind."

"I still don't understand what I'm doing wrong," said Sakura. "I'm doing all those things, unlike these two."

"Sakura, have you ever wanted to die?"

"What?! No, of course not! Who would ever want to-." At that moment Sakura seemed to gain some self-awareness. "God, Skydaddy was hard on you guys. I think you're all insane."

"Does that mean you no longer have a crush on me?" asked Sasuke.

"What? Of course I do! I have a therapist in the family, I can fix you in time before we get married! Don't even worry about it!" Sasuke sighed.

"Are you a lesbian?" asked Sasuke. He knew how borderline traumatic it would be to have your crush ask if you were gay but he genuinely believed this girl was overcompensating for something.

"N-no. My glorious king. Oh!"

"What?!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Um, um…"
"I don't even wanna know," said Sasuke.

"What would you think that I-I'm…"

"You are so obsessed with me for no real reason, it honestly makes me think you're overcompensating for something."
"No," interjected Naruto. "She's just a simp. I didn't realize girls could be one of those. Kind've wished I had one."

"You do," said Sasuke. "That Hinata girl. She's obsessed with you and not in the gay way."

"Oh…" Naruto was blushing now. "T-that's good." Kakashi seemed to raise an eyebrow at this display.

"I want ninjas not middle school drama, this is exactly what I'm talking about."

"Well we are middle schoolers."

"Not anymore, not since you graduated. Once you graduate into chunin you'll be considered young adults, and then once you achieve jonin status you'll be finally able to drink alcohol."

"Is that all we have to look forward to?" asked Sakura.

"No, of course not," said Kakashi without missing a beat. "But I can't tell you about those things…yet."

"Why not?" asked Naruto.

"Because you're not legally allowed to do them yet and I know you would want to do them if you knew about them. Anyway, you'll get one last chance to prove yourselves. Let's see if you can take my advice."

Naruto leaped up and when he landed back down there were five of him now. "Just a question. How do you know how to do that?" asked Kakashi. Yeah, I was wondering about that too.

"You know the hot springs?"
"Yeah?"

"One time a guy went up to me and told me if I su-."

"Okay! Just forget I asked that."

"Good! My ass is still sore so here comes the revenge!"

主よ、憐れんでください! He's still gonna attack him upfront!? Are you fucking kidding me?! God, I should get my fireball ready for the next time he fucks up. くそー、あなたは幸運です、ナルトを愛しています.