"I hate it!" James shouted without singing along to the verse of Famous due to the lump in his throat. With an aggressive movement, he turned off the music and took another sip of the tart port. He was unable to control himself, so he gave himself over to the worst possible ideas.
What was he in for? Why hadn't he been crushed by a suitcase on the way, killed by bandits, hit by a truck? Pathetic and vile creature!
Another glass and his mind seemed to be dulled, because the intolerable inner voice was silenced. After a moment, however, James realized that this was far from over. Even though the words had subsided, the bitterness continued to eat away at him from inside. He couldn't cope with it and resigned himself to the flowing tears, sobbing loudly in painful anguish.
James was sure that none of the other former boy band members could understand him. For them, losing the band was nothing more than a stage before the fulfillment of major life goals. Kendall would probably become a goalie, Logan a doctor, and Carlos would finally decide on his future. All of them had a dream – a safe haven from their problems, from doubt, and from all of life's twists and turns. But where would he look for salvation as a man for whom fame in the world of music was a cherished dream? It was as if a vital part of his soul had been torn from him, and without it existing became meaningless.
Suddenly the suffering was interrupted by a sharp bell. Who could have come to the house when it was already dark outside?
"Get out!" James shouted shamelessly and buried his face in the pillow in an attempt to quiet his cries.
"Why don't you start by finding out who's here to see you? It's me, Katie."
James ignored the sudden guest and continued sobbing. His brain was too clouded with alcohol for him to have the strength to get up and chase her away.
"Listen, if you don't open up now, I'm going to take my key and make you sick!" Katie said threateningly. She did have one of the keys to the Diamond residence, the one James had given Kendall in ninth grade when he'd asked him to run out and get a bow tie for prom.
James only mumbled weakly and covered his ears with the blanket. Apparently he took the exclamation as an empty threat.
"Okay," Katie replied grudgingly and stood under the door for another minute, hoping for James' conscience. "This is an extreme case," Katie asserted, finding an excuse for what she thought was not the most correct behavior, and opened the door with a sigh. "And don't say I didn't warn you... What's going on here?"
There were half-finished food wrappers and empty bottles of some kind of craft beer scattered by the bed. Before, James liked to have a glass of quality alcohol or a big burger, but he did it only on exceptional occasions, as he was careful about his figure. What was happening here, however, was clearly over the top.
Katie started to count the units of trash in her mind, but she was distracted by an underdrawn bottle of Port. James can't stand strong alcohol. What's wrong with him?
"What do you want? Leave or I'll call the police!"
"If you can dial a number," Katie snarled and began to reprimand the culprit. "Do you realize what you're doing? Drinking won't save you, asshole!"
"My dream is shattered. There's no point in being alive!"
"You dreamed of becoming famous? You became famous. Now you can be famous in the fashion world too, if you pull yourself together," Katie continued in a slightly less instructive tone. "Starting tomorrow, I'm your personal manager, and you're the face of Minnesota."
Not quite attentive, James listened to Katie and turned toward the mirrored closet. Suddenly, the room was filled with hysterical and loud laughter, which seemed extremely creepy to Katie.
"Did I say something funny?" Katie asked in shock, trying to understand the reason for the fun.
"I used to have a voice and beauty. Now I only have a voice," James asked desperately, turning away from the closet in disgust. "Hey, agencies, who needs a terrible face with disheveled hair? Like nobody? Ha!"
"Well, it's true. You look awful now..."
"I know!" James interrupted in a shaky voice. Katie was frightened by the speed of his mood swings.
"It's your own fault, but it's fixable. You need to stop drinking and get a grip on yourself."
"And you shouldn't break into people's apartments. Don't dictate your rules to me, and get out!"
Katie could barely make out the last words because of the increased sobbing, but she didn't want to hear them.
"Okay, rest. I'll talk to you later," she said, and then she hurried out of the house and dialed her brother. "Kendall, hello? Are you home yet?"
"I just got back from hockey. I'm exhausted. I haven't practiced like this in a long time."
"James is insane."
"What?"
"James is insane! All he does is drink and cry. I've never seen him being so pathetic and unkept."
"Shit... Katie, don't go far. I'll call a cab and get your keys."
"No, trust me, he can't hear you right now. It's like an impenetrable wall. Make sure you visit him tomorrow morning, and preferably before he's too drunk."
"Got it. I shouldn't have left him alone."
"We'll talk later. I'm tired. And please don't do anything before I get home. I've had enough adventures for one day," Katie finished and walked home with her head down.
Kendall wanted to say something affirmative, but the other end of the line was already disconnected. In a matter of minutes, he'd cursed the idea of being alone seemingly hundreds of times. He knew how vulnerable James was, and he shouldn't have left a close friend like this.
In the end, Kendall decided to act now, so he texted James a delayed message: Expect me tonight. He scheduled the message for nine o'clock, as he realized that James wouldn't wake up before that time.
Immediately after Katie left, Logan glanced with annoyance at the screen where text messages with Carlos were displayed:
Have you asked your mom when our parents plan to return?
No, I'll ask tomorrow.
And what was he going to tell them? That Big Time Rush turned into a bunch of losers back in Minnesota? No, they needed a better explanation, a task that certainly shouldn't have been left to Carlos. Logan tossed the phone to the edge of the nightstand, cringing at the sound it made.
The endless stream of thoughts hadn't left Logan for a moment since he'd arrived at his house. Except when he slept, he could relax for a moment, but only in theory. In practice, he was constantly haunted by dreams – an accumulation of all the fears and experiences hyperbolized by a sick fantasy. It was no wonder Logan woke up in a cold sweat several times a night, making the rest of the day feel broken and unclear.
Gotta dial Carlos. In any other situation, Logan might have been ashamed of himself for not calling his friend sooner, but right now he was too depressed to feel that way. It had accompanied him for the past two days, sabotaging literally every idea he had. It was embarrassing to admit it to his loved ones, to whom he had once promised to become a doctor and not a failed singer in any way. Ashamed in front of Camille, with whom he'd first ridiculously broken off a relationship and then left Palm Woods when he had the potential to rebuild it. Ashamed of himself for letting his lust for fame override his judgment.
"Hello? Carlos, are you there?" Logan started hesitantly when he stopped hearing the dial tone.
"Hi. Sorry, I couldn't get my mom on the phone, and then I didn't try..."
"That's okay, I'll get in touch. We have to break the news as gently as possible, you know."
"That's your department!" Carlos exclaimed.
Logan frowned. Did Carlos really care about the breakup of the band? "You don't seem upset at all."
"I was, until you called me. Upset about being alone, Logan! You can get through anything, but when your friends are around."
"You know... even though I'm considered the genius of our group, your ideas sound a lot wiser than mine right now," Logan admitted dejectedly and lowered his gaze. "Not communicating was a stupid thing to do."
"I told you that on the way home, but you didn't listen. But, let's face it, no one else cared."
"That's right... Kendall and James still don't. At least Kendall has Katie, but James has no one but us. He's not even in touch with us."
"We can't leave things like this. We'll go see him tomorrow."
"Well, I'm not sure about tomorrow," Logan hesitated, looking around his room. "Right now, my house looks like a pigsty, and my mom could come back at any moment. I was thinking about asking you to help me clean up."
"That's out of the question," Carlos answered affirmatively, but he immediately turned his attention to what Logan realized was more important to him. "But what about James? Maybe the cleanup can wait."
"It can't. Our families could get here faster than you think. Don't worry about James. I've asked Katie to go to him."
"Whatever you say. But if things get bad, we'll go to him tomorrow."
"Yeah, okay." Logan nodded, though Carlos couldn't see his reaction. "I don't think we need to get worked up about it. The four of us will definitely meet the day after tomorrow."
"Cool. I'm so glad!" Carlos said enthusiastically, but then it was as if something had switched. "I just realized what an annoying voice you're talking to me in. You're still not over it?"
"My life is falling apart in front of me, and you think it's that easy?" Logan snapped angrily.
"We're all in the same position. You're just too hard on yourself."
"Look, I really don't want to talk about this right now."
"You agreed two minutes ago that we were a force together, and now you're withdrawing your support," Carlos said indignantly. "I'll make you smile tomorrow, but for now, get some rest. From the sound of your yawning, you're about to fall asleep."
"Yes, I am. Well, I'll see you later, Carlitos," Logan concluded, smiling for the first time during the entire conversation. As much as Carlos sometimes annoyed Logan with his naivety, and at times even stupidity, he could say with certainty that he was actually missed during these gray and lonely days.