"You okay, sweetie? You don't look horny."
"Yeah, fine," James said with a fake smile. It was amazing. There was a flirty blonde sitting on top of him, her curves beckoning. The room was dimly lit and the atmosphere was just right for intimacy, but James didn't care. He tried to relax and abstract himself from stupid thoughts, but they took over again and again.
"Oh, I know what this is about." She moved gently toward him, barely touching his chin, and then more assertively took his hands and pulled him to the straps of her bust. "Take it off."
"No problem," James replied with the half-smile he could muster, then started pulling down the bra.
"Come on? Are you following instructions or do you want to play?" the girl said, a little resentfully. She was probably starting to lose confidence in herself and her body, because James looked too calm and disinterested. "Ah, you must be a virgin? I didn't know handsome guys like you could be inexperienced."
"No, I'm not a virgin. But... Aw, fuck it." James was embarrassed by his behavior. He'd always been able to handle girls better than many of his acquaintances, had a sense of what moves and words to pick up, but tonight it was awful. "Stand up, please."
The blonde sat down disappointedly on the edge of the bed and grabbed one of James's loose t-shirts from the closet.
"Honey, what's the matter? Aren't you attracted to me?"
"You're beautiful," James began, while throwing the garment on in parallel. "I'm sorry I let you down."
"It's okay," she said with what seemed to James to be sudden empathy. "I'm not a beast, I understand. It's just that you seemed a little down in the hall, and I thought sex would fix that."
The girl moved closer to James, who was already seated, and then whispered playfully: "That's too bad, because you've been making me wet for a while now."
"You're wonderful, really. Kind, beautiful, sensitive—"
"Just tell me what's wrong. No excuses," the girl said.
"Nothing will happen between us. I'm in love with another person, and I'm thinking about him even now. I'm sorry." He couldn't say such things while staring intently at his interlocutor, so he put his gaze down.
Suddenly, the girl lost her previous calmness. Jumping up from the couch, she silently gathered her clothes into her bag and started to leave.
"I'll call you a cab. But what about my shirt?" James asked.
"I live two doors down from you, so I'll get there myself. Just back off!" the blonde said sharply and sullenly headed for the exit. James tried to at least walk her to the door, but she pushed him away.
Such a night to miss out on... But who was he kidding? It wouldn't have helped him relax.
James headed for the balcony, throwing on one of his warm hoodies. He stared off into the distance, enjoying the night air from the open window, and tried to get his head in order. It wasn't getting any easier, but it was good to know that his strength was running out. For James, this meant that he would now fall asleep quickly and not drown in his own worries for at least a few hours.
When James returned to the bed, he noticed that his guest had forgotten her bra, but it didn't bother him much. If she wants it, she'll come back, he thought and flopped down on the bed.
Another chilly Minnesota morning had come. Logan was having somewhat restless but still much more peaceful and abstract dreams than the previous night. As late as the previous evening, Logan had argued that he wanted to spend time without guests, but Carlos hadn't listened to him. Logan had been displeased at first, but as it turned out later, he had become overly grateful to his friend. Being alone with a stream of creepy, and sometimes incoherent, nightmares was akin to slow suicide.
Logan didn't express his warm emotions directly, which made Carlos uncomfortable at first. He didn't feel welcome, and sometimes he didn't even know why he'd stayed: whether because of Logan's condition and the incentive to support him, or because of his own fear of loneliness. Carlos slept soundly now, knowing that he was close to someone close to him and that the house was filled with an energy he didn't recognize. But no one could predict how Carlos would behave if he spent tonight in a lifelessly empty house.
James awoke first, immediately feeling a slight discomfort in his muscles. Crepature seemed to be the least painful of the sensations that had accompanied him in the last few days. The thoughts seemed to be getting fewer and fewer, but James was sure they hadn't disappeared. He felt them somewhere deep, already without the inner voice or objections of conscience. Each of them lay a stony weight and an unwillingness to realize what was happening. The intellect didn't want to take on the worries and said only one thing: "I don't care." To be honest, James was perfectly fine with that. He confidently accepted the emotion of indifference, not even wanting to think about the fact that behind the lifeline could be a circle of hell.
Suddenly James heard the creak of the main entrance door, followed by Kendall's recognizable gait.
"James, hi. I'm sorry I didn't knock. I didn't want to wake you."
"As you can see, I'm awake," James replied without a trace of mockery. Kendall tried to find a single, even negative, emotion in his eyes, but he couldn't.
"Yes, and I can see that it was a rough night," Kendall said with a smile and pointed to the bra. "Well done! I recognize the old James!"
Kendall wasn't sincere, and he didn't recognize James as in old times at all, but he tried his best to make it seem that way, whether to his companion or to himself.
"Oh... Yes, I was," James said dryly.
"I'm so happy for you. You're coming back to—" he started to say as he heard a knock at the door. Shit, was it his parents? He quickly tucked the bra under the covers, but his anxiety was immediately replaced with peace when familiar voices were heard. It was just Logan and Carlos.
Kendall looked questioningly at James and saw no objection, so he went to open the door.
"Oh, Katie, you're here too! What brings you here?" Kendall exclaimed in surprise when he saw his sister on the doorstep.
"Necessary measure," she said with a little resentment, and added: "But I'm glad you're all here together, even if it's almost involuntarily. I hope you little boys can discuss and sort things out without me."
"We appreciate you very much!" Kendall said sincerely and hugged his sister, after which Logan and Carlos thanked her too.
"Well, I'll make you some coffee," James added absentmindedly and went into the kitchen.
"Well, at least he isn't drunk..."
"What do you mean? James was drunk?"
"Carlos, never mind," Kendall said, regretting that he had let it slip. "I'm just saying that he could have been drunk, but as you can see, he's fine."
Carlos changed the subject quickly, even after the lame argument. Luckily, he was gullible.
"Let's go somewhere," Logan added absently, and they all tacitly agreed, heading over to James.
James silently served everyone coffee and, anticipating possible requests, put sugar and a carton of milk on the table. After a cold "thanks," Katie looked closely at each of the guys. Almost all of them had a look of indifference on their faces, and perhaps even detachment from the outside world. Only in Carlos' pleading gaze did she find any desire to be here and, having secured his support, she started the conversation on her own.
"What do you plan to do?"
"I recently saw a game like this on sale, but I forgot the name. Can we go there and buy it, and then play together?" Carlos asked.
"We can," Logan answered.
"Yeah," Kendall said, and he wanted to follow that up with a joke like, "I wish it hadn't ended up like Chemical Poisoning," but he didn't. He was afraid of offending someone and couldn't think of anything that wasn't directly or indirectly related to the past. There was silence in the room again, replaced occasionally by the sound of intermittent sips of coffee.
"Annoying," Katie exclaimed suddenly. "Just annoying. You guys spent all day and night around each other and always found something to do. What is it now? It's like four strangers in a room. In the past, you would've been more active."
"Katie, it's all right. Don't interfere," Kendall said through gritted teeth.
"If there's something wrong, say it. Come on. I can walk out of here, but it's not me that's the problem."
"It's all right," Kendall repeated.
"Are you speaking for everyone here or what?"
"No, it's really fine. Let's go get the game," Logan intervened, not wanting to listen to Katie anymore.
"You're all liars," Katie concluded aggressively, but after a moment, she added: "And you're selfish. You're really selfish!"
"Do you think the truth will help anyone now?" Logan asked, more involved but clearly displeased. "We're here to distract ourselves from our problems, not to remind ourselves of them. And you seem to have decided to piss everyone off."
"Oh, you're a great distraction. What's better than group silence, right?"
"You're—" Logan started but was interrupted.
"No, Katie's right!" Carlos said and looked at each of them with a disparaging look. "Life didn't end, so stop it! Just stop it. Try to distract yourselves for a minute. The best way to deal with negativity is to replace it with positivity."
"Thank you. At least someone in the room listened to me."
"I'm sorry," Kendall said guiltily, and then he coughed a little, his voice taking on a decided tone. The others could already guess that he was in the mood for a ispeech. "We're all sorry, Katie. We got you into personal trouble, but we haven't made a single step forward. Now, listen to me. We're gonna go to the Ice Arena and we're gonna play some hockey. I've already brought you to your senses with ice once, and I'm going to do the same now. You can't forget your roots and your past, no matter how painful they may seem. I'll give you five minutes to pack!"
Even if someone wanted to object, Kendall's look was too unapproachable. He didn't want to spoil the image with a smile, but he was actually pleased and proud of his display of leadership. Katie patted her brother on the shoulder and said she was going home. She must have been exhausted from the last few days. Carlos gave her a look of gratitude, and then the atmosphere lightened up a little as everyone started to get ready for the playground.