Katie and Kendall hadn't spoken since they'd gotten home. But that was good for Kendall. He could lock himself in his room and think about the important decision for the boy band.
When Kendall wondered if he specifically wanted the band to reunite, the answer was no. Kendall had a firm position and could justify it to anyone, but for some reason, he kept doubting. There even seemed to be a slight tingle in his body when he uttered the emphatic "no."
After two cups of tea and three absent-minded glances out the window, he was able to explain the source of the problems. As the leader of the group, he must express a unanimous decision. Logan agreed with him, Carlos seemed to agree as well, but he still couldn't convince James. Still, Kendall realized it wasn't just a matter of his hurt ego.
He couldn't let James' dream crumble, because he knew how important Big Time Rush was to him. And at the same time, another part of him protested. At what point did he start putting James' values above his own and his collective values? No, James has to make his own future, and there will be no favors the second time around.
Kendall was too worried about James, it shouldn't be like this. He didn't want to get out of his head, and neither did that already reflexively disgusting kiss. As the moment appeared into memory, new questions surfaced in his mind: How had it all happened? What had James thought about it? And why, after everything, had Kendall not pulled away?
He sighed desperately and fell face down on the pillow, trying to block out any thoughts and assumptions. This all was not right. Not right at all.
"Hello, Mr. Knight. Can you hear me?"
"Yes."
"Don't worry, Kendall. It's important to feel comfortable for your sessions to work."
Kendall's anxiety was evident even over the video call. He was fidgeting with his mug and looking anywhere but at the monitor. He still couldn't believe he'd enlisted in the help of a therapist, even though a couple hours ago it had seemed like the right thing to do.
No, he's not weird or crazy, he just wants to figure himself out. That's how Kendall convinced himself, trying to calm his excitement. Alas, believing the lines and realizing them on a deep level didn't really work.
"All right, tell me what's bothering you." The low voice sounded confident and at the same time peaceful, which harmonized with the image of the therapist: a man with neat-rimmed glasses, a designer badge with the inscription "Mr. Hughes," and calm, but not unemotional facial expressions. Perhaps it was the holistic perception of the interlocutor, without arousing suspicion, that allowed Kendall to loosen up a little.
"I can't figure out how I feel about a person. You see, we used to have a warm friendship, but now it's different..."
"What do you mean, "now"?"
"Now is after a kiss that I don't even remember. We had a drink, and all I know is that it was a kiss."
"Okay." The doctor took out a notebook and marked something down, which made Kendall associate it with the clinic. He felt like a sick patient. "Are you sure you should be focusing on something you don't even remember?"
"What else is there to focus on, Mr. Hughes?" Kendall said with undisguised surprise and a frown.
"If the kiss had taken place, there were prerequisites for it. I can see that you're having trouble focusing on recent events, so we can go from there. Describe to me, please, the first time you met."
"Oh, it was a long time ago, back in elementary school... Carlos and I were playing a race in the hallway and I ran into some long-haired kid. He started squeaking, 'Are you watching your feet? I'm holding a mirror,' and stuff like that. Let's just say the first impression was unpleasant."
"And what exactly did the guy seem like to you when you first met him?"
"Arrogant, narcissistic and overly cautious."
"The guy..." It was only now that Kendall realized he'd named James's gender, even though he'd originally planned to hide it. The therapist didn't seem surprised or outraged, though, so the feeling of embarrassment passed quickly.
"Okay, you didn't like this person when you first met him. But how did you become friends?"
"Well, as it turns out, we were in the same class. I guess that's why we kept in touch." Kendall stopped abruptly and looked at the ceiling thoughtfully, as if he'd found a clue. "No, wait, we didn't talk much in class either. He wasn't really interested in learning. It all started with the hockey team, where we bonded and started hanging out as a foursome: me, James, Logan, and Carlos."
"You're saying hockey brought you guys together?"
"Yeah. That's probably when James opened up to me in a new way. On the ice, he was focused, he acted like part of the team and wasn't afraid of anything on his way to victory. He was a completely different guy who wasn't fixing his hair every second and flirting with everyone. That's when I thought we could be friends."
"So you're saying that James liked to flirt. Tell me, did you find him attractive?"
"The whole class thought he was, and even a couple of the teachers," Kendall joked. "He did pay attention to his appearance, and he was naturally good-looking."
"Okay..." The specialist was marking something in his notebook again. "Did you have any fantasies of sexual intimacy with James?"
"Mr. Hughes!" Kendall looked away momentarily and thought to himself about the therapist's tactlessness. "How could anyone want a best friend?"
"So if it were a conditional girl in James' place, you would consider it normal, am I right?"
Kendall didn't answer anything, but mentally agreed with the doctor. Only now he was seriously considering his own homophobia.
"Okay, you don't have to answer that. But try to remember if you were jealous of James' partners."
"No. He changed them like a glove. I don't even remember all the names." Kendall paused and took a few sips of tea to give himself time to quiet the thoughts that had never come up before. "Though, for that matter, James had hardly flirted with anyone in the last six months. At least it hadn't even gotten to the point of kissing. Maybe he'd grown up."
"Or maybe he's starting to have serious feelings, so he's stopped being interested in temporary liaisons. Did you ever think about that?"
Kendall's eyebrows arched suspiciously. Hell, sure... First the trips to the gym together, then the pool. Had James been flirting with him for so long, and he'd only noticed it after the kiss? "You're right, Mr. Hughes. I think he really is in love with me."
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know."
"And you're not ready to answer that question because of your inner complexes, are you?"
"It's not about complexes. I grew up in a family of pedants, that's the way I was raised, you know? It's all out of order! And I've never been gay, bi, or anything else—" The tension was at its peak, and Kendall didn't even notice that he was rubbing his sweaty palms.
"Take a deep breath, in and out... That's it, okay. Right now I see the main problem as a misperception of normalcy. You've put yourself in a frame of reference that doesn't really exist.
"In the next session we'll work on childhood traumas, but for now I'll give you one piece of advice: if you want to get to the bottom of kissing, talk to James about it. Think about how many people are afraid of non-reciprocity and hesitant to start the conversation, and how comfortable a position you're in."
"Yeah, but—"
"If you like your friend, that's normal. You hear me? Normal. There are six gradations of sexual orientation on the Kinsey Scale, and a pretty large percentage of people are not completely hetero or homosexual. If you'd like, check out the research for yourself."
"I will. Thank you, doctor. You are a true wizard!"
"And thank you for your openness." The man smiled slightly and continued. "Your homework will be to repeat the phrases 'feelings are normal' and 'I can love anyone' every day. With that, I would like to end the first session and wish you a good day."
As soon as the video call was over, Kendall smiled broadly. He felt a relief that had overridden even past shame and fear. It turned out seeing things from a different angle wasn't so bad.