So, I've already warned you in the AN of first chapter that there will be angsty parts in this story (or at least this one part, I don't know for sure yet).
For this chapter, however, I would like to issue a content warning: If the topic of pregnancy complications or addressing the topic of miscarriage triggers you in any way, please consider skipping this chapter. I know how deep these wounds can go and I don't want anyone to feel bad while reading this story.
Because it's kind of a difficult chapter, I'm not going to tell you to enjoy it. But to make up for it, I made it extra long so it doesn't end with a cliffhanger. Don't hate me, please, and I promise we'll be back to happy times soon!
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As the days between Christmas and New Year's Eve passed, Kate had been extremely happy to have taken the days between the holidays off. It wasn't like she could use her free time much or enjoy it, but at least she got to spend it mostly in bed.
The leaden tiredness didn't seem to get any better, and Kate could easily spend most of the day asleep. And when she wasn't sleeping, she was feeling terrible. She was nauseous, and every time she stood up, she felt like she was about to faint for half a minute before the world around her stopped spinning.
The nausea became so bad that she just wished she could throw up to feel a little bit of relief, but her body refused to do that. She had lost all appetite, and what had worked so well at Christmas dinner failed to work again. She really tried to eat because she worried what might happen to the baby if she didn't eat enough. But she was barely able to get anything down. And when she did, she felt even more nauseous and spent the next hour beside the toilet, hoping the food would just come back up again, but it never did.
So she became very cautious about what and how much she ate and was lucky that Castle never failed to provide her with a selection of the few things that didn't make her feel worse than she was already feeling. He often eyed her with worry and a trace of a bad conscience, but Kate assured him it was fine. He just hoped this phase would pass soon.
It was good that they had decided to tell their families on Christmas because with the way Kate felt and looked, it would have been impossible to keep it a secret from Martha. It was a relief not having to pretend she wasn't feeling like crap or having to come up with an excuse.
Instead, she had Martha's full sympathy, and in the little time Kate spent in the living room or in the kitchen, trying to drink some special tea Castle had gotten her, Martha could cheer her up by sharing stories about how terrible she had felt while being pregnant. Castle didn't enjoy these stories at all, but he was willing to sit through them and wind up a smile now and then as long as they managed to distract Kate for a while and made her feel a little better.
One day before New Year's Eve, Kate was in bed, her eyes closed but not sleeping as she fought against the waves of nausea, Castle got a call from Paula. He was sitting on the bed beside her, his laptop resting on his legs as he wrote. He did that often now. Simply because he didn't want to leave her alone all day. And even if it didn't change much about her physical condition, his presence made it a little bit more endurable.
Castle quickly took the call to end the beeping tone, fearing it might wake Kate in case she was sleeping. "Don't bother, I'm awake," Kate muttered, and Castle stopped from slipping out of the bed.
Holding the phone to his ear, he said, "Hey Paula, what's up?"
Kate could hear the woman's muffled voice through the phone but wasn't able to understand what she was saying.
"Wait a second," she heard Castle saying instead. "Paula asks what New Year's party I would like to attend. She has to answer the invitations today."
Kate grumbled into her pillow as the nausea rose up to a stomach-twisting level again, hoping it would be enough of an answer for him to know that she didn't care because she was definitely not coming along.
"You know what, Paula," She heard his voice again after a moment of silence. "Just cancel all invitations. I won't be attending any party this year. And while you're at it, you can cancel all other appointments for the next month as well."
Kate furrowed her brow as she swallowed against the grumble in her stomach. She heard Paula's angry tone through the phone, but Castle stuck with his decision and soon ended the call. Slowly, Kate rolled over to her other side to face him. He already had his laptop back in place, and his fingers were hushing over the keyboard again.
"You don't have to stay home because of me." She said quietly and in a thin voice.
He stopped typing and looked at her with a soft smile. "Of course I do. I have to take care of you."
Kate frowned and mumbled, "I can take care of myself."
Arching his brows, Castle reached over to her nightstand and briefly picked up a small bag of crackers. "Really? And who is going to make sure your snack supply doesn't break off while I'm gone?"
Kate snorted slightly in response. He sat the bag down again and instead took one of her hands in his.
"Kate, there is nowhere else I want to be than here. Even if you are asleep when the clock strikes midnight, I still want to celebrate the start of the new year with you. After all, it's going to be one of the most special years in our lives."
No matter how terrible she was feeling, she couldn't stop herself from smiling softly. And if she was honest, she was glad he wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't really help her, but still, she would rather have him by her side than anywhere else.
The day of New Year's Eve wasn't really different from the days before. Kate spent most of the time in bed, forced herself to take a shower around lunchtime, and also forced down a few spoons of the soup Castle had made for her. As the evening came closer Martha got ready and left for a party, while Castle convinced Kate to curl up on the couch and try to watch a movie.
Kate agreed, but by the time the movie was halfway through, Castle felt her head dropping from his shoulder to his chest. With a smile, he pulled her close to him and placed a pillow under her head so that she could rest it in his lap while he watched the rest of the movie. He combed his fingers through her hair and lost track of the plot after a while because he was too distracted by looking at Kate's sleeping face. Gently, he stroked his thumb over the little crease on her forehead that had been there most of the time now for almost two weeks. Her features relaxed a little, and he sighed as the credits of the movie started rolling over the screen.
He felt sorry for her and the way she was feeling. He couldn't remember that Meredith had been struggling so much when she had been pregnant with Alexis. On the other hand, Meredith had barely included him in her pregnancy, and he had been so busy worrying about what was to come that he maybe hadn't paid that much attention.
But this time, it was different. He loved to absorb every detail about this pregnancy, even though most of them weren't so nice for Kate at the moment. He wanted to remember it and wanted to be a part of this baby's life from the very first second on. And in complete contrast to Meredith, Kate seemed like she wanted him to. She didn't shut him out, even when she was feeling miserable and also looked that way. At least she said so, he couldn't see that. To him, there was never a moment when she wasn't beautiful, even with dark shadows under her eyes or a pale face.
But he loved that she allowed him to be by her side and take care of her as much as possible. He wished he could do more to make it easier for her, though she never complained. He looked down at her sleeping face again and smiled. Oh, how much he loved her.
Slowly, he moved and let her head and pillow sink to the couch before he got up and carefully lifted her into his arms to carry her to the bed. She had asked him to wake her for a New Year's kiss, but right now, he wasn't sure he could bring himself to do that. Kate grumbled a little but didn't wake up. He laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her body, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
He considered going to sleep as well, but for some reason, he wanted to be awake for the start of this year, which should become one of the happiest of their lives. So he took his laptop and returned to his place by her side, writing until the clock in the bottom corner of his screen showed one minute before midnight.
He glanced over at Kate, who was still fast asleep, and decided he would wake her like she had asked. For her, this year would be special too, maybe even more than for him, and he didn't want to steal this moment from her. Putting his laptop aside, he laid down beside her, his face only inches from hers. He snugged his arm around her waist and pulled her close with a little pressure while whispering her name.
She only slightly furrowed her brow, and he pressed her closer to him, speaking a little louder, "Kate, wake up."
She blinked and looked confused for a second, then a smile spread over her face.
"Happy New Year." He mumbled and leaned in to softly kiss her. Returning his kiss with a smile, she placed her palm on his cheek and breathed back, "Happy New Year."
Nudging his nose against hers, he pulled his arm from her waist and led his hand to her abdomen, gently caressing the spot under her belly button. He couldn't wait to see what, or better who, this year would bring for them. He let his hand linger on her stomach while Kate was already drifting back off to sleep.
After a while, Castle fell asleep, too. But it wasn't for long.
He startled awake when Kate suddenly moved in his arms, saying his name, the tone of cold fear in her voice enough to wake him in a heartbeat. He sat up, looked at her in the dark room, and could barely make out her features, but he still saw the fear in her eyes. His gaze followed hers to the bed, where she had pushed the covers aside. As she said it, he already spotted the dark spot on the sheets.
"Rick, I'm bleeding." Her voice was choked, and he felt every bit of oxygen drained from his lungs and brain as he stared at the spot of blood before her on the bed, panic threatening to overwhelm him.
"What do we do?" His feelings were mirrored in her voice as she reached for him with trembling fingers.
He pulled in a sharp breath and pushed the panic down, forcing himself to function.
"We're driving to the hospital. Get dressed." His voice was nearly free from emotion. He had to blend it all out to be somehow able to deal with the situation. But no matter how hard he tried, the panicked voice in his head screamed No, no, please God, no.
He got out of bed, switched on the light, and moved stiffly across the room to the closet, pulling a clean pair of panties and joggers and a sweater for Kate from it, laying it in front of her, then started to put his clothes from the day before back on.
Kate sat frozen on the bed, staring down at the stain of blood in horror. Castle walked over to her and placed his hands on her cheeks, gently directing her gaze up to him. The expression in her eyes made something in him shatter.
"Kate, baby, we need to get going, okay? Please get dressed." He let go of her face, and Kate nodded mechanically.
With trembling limbs, she got out of bed and pushed down the leggings and underwear she was wearing. A sobbed gasp escaped her throat and made Castle turn around, only to see the light blue fabric of her underwear soaked in blood. He felt his heart sink and stepped to her side to support her while she was swaying on her legs. He carefully held her up while she stepped out of the clothes around her ankles. She let herself sink to the bed to put on the new clothes, his hands still on her shoulders. He felt them shaking under his touch as she started to cry quietly.
He pulled her close to him for a moment and muttered into her hair, "It's okay, it's going to be okay." But he heard the sound of his voice, which was everything but convincing.
Quickly, he helped her put on the sweater and placed a pair of sneakers in front of her, which she slipped on. On their way to the door, in the elevator, and as they walked to the car, he held on tightly to her, afraid her shaking legs might give in. He helped her into the passenger seat and then hurried around the car to get going.
The traffic was hell. The streets were full of cars, drunks, and people walking from one party to the next. Seeing all these people enjoying their lives while he felt like he was falling apart felt like a dagger to the heart. Kate was quiet and stared out the window. The only sound from her was a low sniffle now and then as silent tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
As he had to stop the car for what felt like the hundredth time, he reached over to her to wrap his fingers around hers. She didn't look up, and he didn't know what to say, so he just stared at her for a moment.
He was just about to tear his eyes away from her again as she whispered, "It's my fault."
His eyes jerked back to her, a deep frown on his face. "What is your fault?" he asked, his voice hoarse and strangled.
She kept on staring out of the window to the busy street and said, "If we lose the baby, it's my fault."
Firmly shaking his head, he squeezed her hand. "No, Kate, don't say that. You have done nothing wrong, and we are not going to lose the baby."
Kate sobbed and closed her eyes with a flutter as she felt more warm liquid pooling between her legs. Squeezing her eyes shut, trying to blend out the feeling, she sobbed, "I told everyone on Christmas. I shouldn't have done that. It brings bad luck to tell people so early."
A chuckle escaped Castle's throat as he started the car again, but it was cold and sad. "Don't you start now with superstitious crap like that. You are the rational one of us. You don't believe in things like bad luck."
She opened her eyes and looked at him, her puffy eyes filled with something that looked like grief. "Rationalism only tells me that I'm bleeding onto your leather seats."
Castle swallowed hard and squeezed her hand once more, directing his eyes back to the road. It felt like half an eternity had passed before they finally reached the hospital's emergency room. The waiting area was crowded with people, but Castle barely noticed them as he led Kate to the counter on the other side of the room. A middle-aged blonde woman with a stressed expression sat behind it, looking up at him.
"Yes, Sir?" She said, and Castle could hear it cost her some effort to make her voice sound patient.
Swallowing against the lump in his throat, he said, "My fiance is pregnant and bleeding."
The nurse nodded and turned to her computer. "How far along is she?" She asked, her fingers hovering over her keyboard.
"We don't know exactly, quite early." The nurse nodded again and pulled her hands back from the keyboard as she looked over Castle's shoulder and got up from her chair.
"You know what? You better head upstairs to gynecology directly. Second floor." She walked past the counter to meet a young man who pressed a blood-soaked towel to his eye.
Castle hesitated for a second, then he pulled Kate along over to the elevator. The doors opened again with a bing, and as he led her to the hallway, he felt a spark of relief that there weren't so many people around as downstairs. He spotted another counter at the end of the hallway and dragged Kate along, who just blindly followed his guidance.
"Excuse me," Castle said, and a young brunette woman looked up. "My fiance is pregnant and bleeding." He repeated the painful words.
The young nurse got up with a nod and came around the corner to open a door next to it. She gestured for them to walk inside, and Castle gratefully followed her, praying they would finally get some help. The nurse switched on a computer on a desk in the corner of the room while she pointed to an examination table on the other side.
"Lay down, please," she said, addressed to Kate, her voice sounding warm and compassionate. Kate walked to the examination table on wobbly legs and felt relieved when she could lay back and close her eyes. Trying to keep her balance while feeling terribly dizzy had been exhausting. "How far along are you?" The nurse asked and Kate's eyes fluttered open again.
"I don't know exactly. Six or seven weeks maybe, I haven't been to the doctor yet." New tears started rolling from the corner of her eyes as the thought crossed her mind that she might never even get the chance to see her baby, not even on an ultrasound.
"Okay." The nurse replied, and Kate could hear the cackling of the keyboard. "And can you tell me how strong the bleeding is? Compared to a regular period? And do you feel any pain?"
Kate suppressed a sob and thought about it for a second. "Equally strong, I think, maybe a little bit less. No pain."
The keyboard cackled again, then the nurse said, "Okay, one of the doctors will be here in a second." She walked over to Kate and handed her a hospital gown, a slight smile on her lips. "Please put this on and then keep lying down."
Kate took the stiff piece of fabric and nodded. When the door closed, Kate started to undress and barely dared to look at her underwear. But when she did, she felt the faintest shimmer of hope. What had felt like a wave of blood in the car wasn't more than a few drops, nothing compared to the bleeding she had had back home.
Castle tied the hospital gown together at her neck, and she slowly let herself sink back to the examination table. He took hold of her hand and kept his gaze on the floor while Kate stared up at the ceiling. They waited in silence, both of their hearts racing with fear.
When the door opened with a crack, Castle's heart skipped a beat, and he knew it was the same for Kate as her grip on his hand tightened. A pretty, red-haired woman in her forties walked in and smiled at them.
"Hello, Miss…?" She glanced up from the file in her hand. I'm sorry. It seems no one asked for your name. It's quite a busy night."
Kate softly cleared her throat and mumbled, "Beckett." She wasn't sure whether the calm nature of the doctor was calming for her or even more upsetting.
"Miss Beckett." The doctor repeated with a smile. "I'm Doctor Montgomery. As I read here, you're in your first trimester and suffered a bleeding, is that correct?"
Kate couldn't bring herself to more than a nod. Doctor Montgomery mirrored the movement and gestured towards the examination chair in the corner of the room. "I would suggest we'll check on your baby and try to find out what's going on."
Kate nodded again and held on to Castle's hand for support as she walked over to the chair. He only let go of her when she sat down, her gaze directed to the ceiling again. Doctor Montgomery pointed over to the other side of the chair. "You can come over here." She smiled at Castle, and he did as she said, picking Kate's hand up again.
Kate heard the rustling sound as the Doctor pulled gloves out of a box and onto her hands, then the whirring sound of the ultrasound device as she turned it on. From the corner of her eye, she saw the doctor pick up the ultrasound wand she knew from her yearly checkups, and she prepared herself for the cold, uncomfortable feeling. Right now, she dreaded it more than any time before.
"This will be a little cold." Doctor Montgomery said with a compassionate tone as she stepped before Kate. Kate tensed and squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the cool ultrasound probe being pushed into her body. The feeling was horrible, but nothing compared to the paralyzing fear she was feeling.
A long moment of silence spread across the room, neither Kate nor Castle dared to breathe. Castle stared at the black and white screen, unable to understand what it showed, while Kate kept her eyes closed and tried to brace herself for the heartbreak she expected to come. Her heart skipped a beat when Doctor Montgomery started talking.
"Okay, here we have the troublemaker." As no one answered, she kept talking and pointed to a black strain on the screen for Castle, who was still staring at it. "This is called a subchorionic hematoma. It's not uncommon in the early stages of pregnancy. This one is rather small, most of it probably bled off already. I know that the amount of blood can feel frightening, but most of the time, it feels like more than it actually is."
Castle stared at the back spot for a moment longer, then looked over to the doctor. He didn't understand. What was she talking about? All he wanted to know was whether their baby was alright. The doctor seemed to read the question on his face.
"Usually, a slight hematoma doesn't affect the pregnancy. Of course, I can not promise you anything, but for the moment, I can assure you that the pregnancy is intact. Wait a second…"
Kate felt the ultrasound wand shifting a little as new tears rolled down her cheeks as she started to process the doctor's words. Slowly, she dared to open her eyes and glance over to the screen.
The picture stilled, and the doctor's slender finger pointed to a black bubble with something inside of it that looked a little like a tiny peanut. Kate's breath got caught in her throat as she stared at it with wide eyes.
"You see? That's your baby, and it's doing perfectly fine. See here?" She pointed to the center of the little peanut. "You can already see the heartbeat."
The faintest little flicker was to be seen right above the doctor's fingertip. Kate released a trembling breath she didn't know she had been holding. Her baby. Her baby had a heartbeat. She wanted to look at Castle but couldn't bring herself to look away from the little peanut. She watched as the doctor marked some spots around the baby and then typed a little on the keyboard of the ultrasound machine.
"According to the measurements, you are six weeks and four days along. That would mean the pregnancy was conceived towards the end of November, maybe the first days of December. Could that be fitting?"
Castle nodded his head, starting to feel dizzy as he was barely able to breathe. The feeling of relief alone was overwhelming. But as the waves of love and amazement washed over him as well, he found himself at a complete loss of what to say or do. All he could do was stare at the tiny creature with the flickering heartbeat on the screen, and he realized he hadn't had an idea how much he really loved this baby until now.
He squeezed Kate's hand, and as she returned the gesture, she finally looked back at him. She was still too upset to smile, but he could see everything he felt written in her eyes.
Kate felt the doctor removing the wand, and as she told her to, she got up and sat back down on the examination table. Doctor Montgomery returned to the computer and typed in a couple of more pieces of information.
"Okay, so you should take it slow for a couple of days. There might be a little more bleeding, but it shouldn't increase anymore. If it does or if you feel any pain, please come back here." She glanced up at Kate with a smile. "But I don't want you to worry. I know how scary a situation like this is, but the odds that your pregnancy will go just fine are good. You should go to a checkup in the next week, though, but I think that should align with the appointment you should make anyway."
Kate nodded, thinking about her scheduled appointment in five days. The doctor gave her another friendly smile, then handed her a printout of the image of the little peanut. Kate held on to it as if her life depended on it, even as she got dressed again, and she let Castle walk her out of the hospital and back to the car.
Neither of them said a word until they reached the car. With a deep sigh, Castle pulled her into his arms, and Kate let her body crash against his, thankful that he was holding her because her legs grew weak once again.
"I was so scared." She heard him mumble into her hair and could only nod as she still hadn't found her voice again. As the tension slowly faded, she felt a numbing headache spreading from the back of her skull.
"I'll take you home, okay?" Castle said and she nodded once more as she let herself sink into the passenger seat, desperate to get home and try to process the last couple of hours.
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A little editing: I borrowed a character in this chapter, some of you may have noticed. Who else would I trust to treat Kate Beckett in such a situation but the phenomenal Doctor Addison Montgomery? I know the timelines of the shows don't add up but who cares.