It was very tempting to remain on the toilet for the rest of the day and even for a second night. But Yami knew that he just couldn't continue, as there were no food, no drinks, no bed or anything in the toilet. The food Charmy gave him for his breakfast was eaten since a long time and he hadn't be able to concentrate on the newspaper, which were those from one or two weeks ago, so who cares?
Yami left the bathroom a bit before noon, only to find the Hideout empty. Damn! Where were those idiots? He often complained that they were terribly loud, but this silence, really? And where was Ryu, and Ichika and those other Ryuzen from Hino?
"If this is a prank you brats, I will put you on cleaning duty with only toothbrushes and you'll be forbidden to use the bathroom for a month!"
No answer, which was weird. Usually, his brats would have jumped out of their hidden spots, scared for their lives, before he would even have finished his sentence. But this time? Okay, he might have remained on the toilet even longer than usual, but it wasn't like there were no other toilets and bathrooms in their Hideout! Okay, the toilet he always used was the one which worked the best, but still!
When he came into the common room, there was still no one there. No Gauche talking to his sister through a mirror, no Luck and Magna fighting, no Zora putting some traps, no Charmy eating her seventh breakfast, no Vanessa having a hangover on one of the couches. But there was a piece of paper on his usual armchair.
Yami took and recognized immediately Nachts elegant writing. He was one of the rare Black Bulls with a pretty writing style and who didn't make mistakes in grammar and orthography, that jerk.
Hey dumbass
In case you finally come out of your toilet retreat before the rest of us comes home, I inform you that we're gone to do our duty to repair the kingdom, along with the Silver Eagles. Remember? This is what we discussed yesterday during the urgency meeting. I know that you're an idiot, but even this is too much coming from you. What made you forget something even you are serious about?
If you're hungry, Charmy has left enough food for you in the kitchen. And there also a lot of Astas leftover tatoes from the last three weeks, but I doubt that you want to eat something so dry. I've also left you some paperwork in the common room, so you can use this solitude to follow other captain duties, since you chicken out of today's ones.
And please, don't remain on your dump battles tomorrow, I don't want to play captain every day just because you're overthinking some shit or whatever you do on the toilet. Even though I'm sure it will be easier for captain Nozel to discuss the schedule of today with me than listening to you making fun of his hair like always.
If you finally came out of the toilet, you'll see the rest of us this evening.
Nacht, your vice-captain that never wanted to be one
"Nacht, you stupid bastard."
Yami groaned as he let himself fell back into his armchair. He really did forgot what they discussed during the urgency meeting yesterday and what they were supposed to do today. That kiss with Charlotte really had a damn effect on him.
Charlotte…
If he found her complicated before, now he was definitely confused about what to think of her right now.
And at the same time, it seems pretty clear. Well, such a passionate kiss like that said so much more than a thousand words.
Yet, he was still confused. Or rather, he wanted to be. Because if he would be confused, he might have an excuse. At least, Yami thought so, but wasn't sure. Shit, since was he acting so uncertain, almost in denial?
Another groan left his lips. Why was he even clinging on that delusion of being confused? That kiss… it actually confirmed what Finral told him right before shit started to go down, thanks to Lucius Zogratis.
Charlotte loved him. Probably did for long.
But how the heck was he even supposed to know that? In the past, Prickly Queen acted so often like she couldn't bear the sight of him, what was he suppose to assume? Okay, Gauche and Zora, heck Nacht even more acted like they couldn't stand the rest of the Black Bulls, but of course, they did care deep down.
The Ki never lied.
Wait! Was it the same for Charlotte? Was this for years just an act because like Gauche, Zora and Nacht, it wasn't easy for her to openly show how she feels about him?
"Dang it, Prickly Queen, how many times have I told you that you can lean on others and accept help and vulnerability?"
So, her confusing Ki was actually that? Okay, how did he not realized it? He knew it with Gauche, Zora and Nacht, so why not with Charlotte?
Would this mean… that he was actually dense?
Yami groaned and run a hand down his face. It was already a pain in the ass to realize new things about yourself, but even more if those things didn't really put you in a positive light. And here he thought that thanks to his Ki reading, he was not dense at all. But being able to read Ki didn't stop anyone for being dense, even though in Astas case it was mostly just kind stupidity.
Oh please no, he didn't fell on that rookie's dense stupidity, right? Or maybe it has always been like that.
Okay, long and dumb story short, Charlotte was in love with him, he got it so far and it would be stupid to deny it. Denial was a pain in the ass, he saw that long enough with Noelle when it came to Asta.
But… what about his feelings for Prickly Queen?
Dang it, Charlotte!
She kissed him first, shouldn't she try to reach out first? But… reach out for what, for their tea date? Damn, when he suggested her to take some tea together, so that could talk things out, he had actually felt like… felt like…
A bit like during that kiss…
Actually… he DID enjoy that kiss. It had felt incredible! No, screw that word, it didn't even barely described what he felt when he made out with Prickly Queen. In a way… it had felt like it was meant to be.
In a way, deep down, he had waited for it without realizing it.
Wait, did he just consciously thought that?
Did… did he loved Charlotte back?
This explained everything, somehow. And on the other hand, it made everything even more confusing.
Groaning again, Yami wanted to catch for his cigarettes, but suddenly hold back. Because it occurred to him that Charlotte wouldn't really appreciate to have a smoky taste in her mouth the next they would make out.
For fuck's sake, how far gone was he? He was already thinking about their potential next kiss while absolutely NOTHING was settled between him and Charlotte! But he wanted it so much and while it was confusing right now, Yami was somehow certain that the next time they would kiss, everything would be settled down.
But for that, they needed to finally have that tea date. And how the heck would they get that tea, when every café, pub and restaurant were still closed? Okay, couldn't the Magic Knights go faster with the repairs, so he and Charlotte could drink tea together soon?
Wait a minute, he WAS a Magic Knight!
And instead of looking himself that the repairs would go fast so that he and Prickly Queen could get that tea date, he just sat a whole night on the toilet, brooding and wondering about the effect their kiss had on him.
Yami felt terribly grateful that the Black Bulls weren't paired up with the Blue Roses today, otherwise he would have missed a golden opportunity to have a proper talk with their captain. And with any bad luck, maybe another kiss.
Dang it, how love-struck was he that he practically dreamed about the next kiss with Charlotte? Ryu might laugh his ass of when he would tell him that. It was actually quite a shame that he also missed some time to catch up with his old friend, yesterday. Maybe they could have talked about…
Wait… Ryu! Ichika!
Yami groaned again. He had completely forgotten his sister and the fact that he still had some issues to talk out with her. His mind had just been full of Charlotte and kisses, that he also missed another opportunity to talk to Ichika.
What could he do now? Not delegate that stuff to future Yami for sure, because the longer he waited with both Charlotte and Ichika, the more he was sure that he would go insane. And which one had more priority?
Ryu had told him that Ichika came to know the truth about the massacre of their clan. Yami didn't like that fact, after he had done everything to protect his sister from that truth. But hadn't it been bound to happen anyway, one day? And wasn't it better if she knew now? If they would have met while Ichika still hated him, it would probably have been difficult to talk it out.
But it wasn't easy either now. Ichika seemed confused about him, not hateful, but definitely uncertain. Yami couldn't blame his baby sister, he would have felt the same in her shoes.
Settle things with Charlotte, settle tings with Ichika, repair the kingdom, thinking about a potential funeral service, maybe elect a new Wizard King soon, probably doing some diplomatic shit with Ryu and the three queens…
He had a fucking lot on his plate and he certainly didn't like that fact. But he had to go through that.
Now, what could he do now? He was fucking alone at the Hideout, the others wouldn't be back before the evening and he had no idea what to do now. Where should he start?
Yami continued to brood and wonder, until he took a decision. Hopefully Finral didn't put his old quills in the trash. Okay, they weren't working that well anymore and he barely ever used them to write, but now he fucking needed it!
The good news when the Black Bulls came home with their guests from Hino, Yami actually came out of the toilets. The bad news, he was grumpy and brooding, not to mention that instead of doing his paperwork, he somehow has try to write something, given the numerous piece of paper, parchments and ink spots on the table, the chair Yami was sitting on and of course the floor.
Nacht sometimes wondered how the Black Bulls survived this long with this captain and then remembered that people like Finral or Gordon really tried to keep the paperwork and by that the squad afloat. One of the reasons why in the end, Nacht has decided to held Finral and Gordon in a bit higher esteem.
Nacht would have liked to scold Yami again about running away from his duty, but he had been impossible to talk to. So, he let it slide for once. Besides, Nacht managed to be very cooperative with captain Nozel today, which lead to both their squads not only to work wonderful together, but more importantly to get a lot of repairs done in just one day. Which was of course a wonderful thing. The captain of the Silver Eagles might not be exempted from mistakes, but at least he was efficient with his duties and leading his squad instead of being laidback, so organize the teams and the schedule for the day went quick and easy. Even better, Nacht had been able to let captain Nozel take the lead since he was the captain without pushing him in any case. So, he was still quite satisfied with how this day went and how things were done.
He also got to talk with his Silver Eagle alter-ego, vice-captain Agatha. Nice woman, very loyal and never chickening out of her duties. From his talk with her during lunch break, Nacht learned that the problem with captain Nozel might be quite the opposite as Yamis, as he put maybe too much responsibility onto his shoulders. Maybe it was needed, though, the Silver Eagles were a royal squad, some members who were nobles certainly were more nobles than knights and Agatha told him that nobility started to write their complains to the squad about stupid things.
She also told him that nobles continued to be assholes – his words, not hers, Agatha said "stubborn and confused about current the priorities" – they might be desperate enough to also bother the Magic Knights squads that weren't led by royals or nobles. So, the Coral Peacocks, the Green Mantises and even the Black Bulls will have to deal with stupid complaints about arrogant, self-centred nobles.
Not something to look forward to, hopefully it would never come this far. Or even better, the other squads would be also left alone.
In any case, Yami was rather brooding and grumpy for the rest of the evening, still trying to write something. He even was ready to do just that during dinner, if Charmy hadn't threaten him to put him on food-timeout.
The other Black Bulls didn't dare to talk to their captain when he was in a fool mood, Yosuga and Komari just laughed about it. As for Ryu, he actually managed to talk with Yami and those two spent the rest of the evening together. At least someone who had no fear and no problem to talk with a grumpy Yami.
But Nacht noticed something. About the woman he had found so interesting since the moment he met her.
Ichika didn't try to reach out to her brother and Nacht was very certain that it wasn't because she was afraid of Yamis grumpy mood.
He had saw Ichika, she wasn't someone who got intimidated by someone if said someone was in a foul mood. On the contrary, she was certainly the kind of woman who will put someone in their place because they were brooding for no reason.
But at the same time, Nacht did noticed the tension between the Yami siblings when they met each other again. No hatred though, which probably made that tension even more awkward and uncomfortable.
Well, since they haven't seen each other since more than a decade apparently, it wasn't really surprising that they didn't really know how to talk with each other and what about. But still, if that was the case, it might wouldn't have felt so awkward and tense still, it was another level between the siblings. As if they somehow feared to talk with each other.
Especially Yami Ichika.
Nacht wasn't stupid, he had noticed how tense Ichika became when Magna had asked her to help him defend her brother, yesterday during breakfast. Not quite as she was scared, more like… unsure, maybe? It was difficult to tell. Maybe it was mostly like she wasn't stupid and knew that her brother did dumb things, but she didn't want to say bad things about Yami either in front of his squad?
Okay, Nacht knew that some of the Black Bulls practically put Yami on a pedestal, but this shouldn't mean that he shall be exempted from criticism, no matter what. And his sister was definitely not a stupid person, she wasn't weak either. She could totally put Yami back in his place when it was needed – especially since she was his sister – and to talk back to Magna and any other Black Bull who had a problem with that.
So, her reasons for neither defending him nor scolding him must be more complex, deeper than just not having seen her brother for so long.
Nacht groaned. Why was he starting to get involved into the family secrets of other people? That shouldn't be his concerns at all. But still, it felt like he couldn't do it any other way. Dang it, was he becoming like Vanessa or Gordon, caring about everyone, trying to make friends with everyone, even with people outside of the squad?
No, he wasn't like that, he just find Ichika really interesting, nothing else. And for him it was a lot, since he found her interesting the very moment he lied eyes on her. Even Asta and Yuno had to say something about their resolution first before he actually find them interesting. Of course this was the reason why he found Yamis sister rather fascinating.
Lying in his bed and thinking without coming to any conclusion wasn't helping at all. Neither to sleep nor to find answers that could have satisfied him. Okay, this practically happened every night since he came back from Spade, so he actually knew what to do then by instinct at this point.
Nacht get up, put on his slippers and silently left his room to go into the kitchen. Since he stopped smoking, his craving for sweets and pastries became almost unbearable. It started during his time as a spy and damn, the famous Winter Pastries of the Spade Kingdom had been his life saviours back then. Of course queen Ciel had remembered that and brought a lot to gift him. Thank goodness, it had been months since he haven't eaten those delicious Winter Pastries.
Maybe she should get Charmy some recipes of those, so that he wouldn't need to wait until the next Spade visit.
Speaking of Charmy, of course she had realized that he was sneaking every night into the kitchen to eat something sweet and got the kind habit to always leave something for him in the fridge.
Like right now, this time it was a huge slice of Black Forest cake. Not a Winter Pastry from Spade, but still delicious.
But as he went to the table, he finally realized that he wasn't alone in the dining room.
Out of all people, it was Yamis little sister sitting at the table, with a cup of tea.
Was this karma or just a stupid coincidence? In any case, Nacht knew that it would be rough to go away that they have seen each other in the middle of the night and Ichika was a guest, even more, she was an interesting person.
It would felt wrong to leave her just like that.
"Seems I'm not the only who likes to have some night snack?" Nacht casually said, with his typical smile, while sitting down in front of Ichika.
"I don't think that black tea infused with orange blossoms can be considered as a night snack, Nacht-sama."
"Never heard of that kind of tea before."
"It's a tea typical of my home country. One of my colleagues gave it to me. I like drinking tea in the middle of the night."
"Nothing against that, but we have our own kind of teas in Clover and in this Hideout. Although, maybe not the best ones in the kingdom."
"Maybe, but this tea is my favourite one and… I really mean no offence, but I'm still feeling kinda unsure while staying here and having something familiar like my favourite tea helps me a bit. But I think once I've spent more time in Clover, it will be a bit easier for me."
Nacht nodded. This actually made sense that Ichika might feel a bit uneasy and not only because she was in another country. The main reason was certainly the reunion with her brother.
Ichika continued to drink her tea and Nacht took a first bite out of his Black Forest cake. It was quite peaceful, sitting here with her in complete silence. Since he was back in Clover and kinda forced to spend more time with the Black Bulls, the only quite moments he found were most of the time when he was alone. He was deep down grateful that not every Black Bull was loud and yelling all day long.
But with Ichika, it actually felt kinda nice. Not forced to anything, no real tension, just being there, each one minding their own business. It was probably stupid coming from him, but Nacht felt like he could actually get used to it.
"Is my brother… is Sukehiro always like this?" Ichika suddenly asked and of course Nacht noticed the slight hesitance in her voice.
"What do you mean?"
"Like he was today."
"Well… He can get serious, of course, but he is pretty laidback and irresponsible most of the time. He delegates more than needed or just forget the most important paperwork. And I lost count about how many times he was ready to gamble his own grimoire."
"Grimoire? Ah, you mean the equivalent to our scrolls."
"Yeah. But just in case you don't know already, I was pretty much away for years, working as a spy in the Spade Kingdom. So, I've only seen Yami being a captain since a bit more than one year, I might not be the most reliable source when it comes to how long I am here. Oh, I think I might be one of the most unbiased one, but you can ask another Black Bull who witnessed him for longer, just in case."
Ichika nodded, but Nacht noticed again the hesitance. This actually intrigued him more than it should. Frowning, he asked, "Is something wrong?"
"You're not one agreeing with everything Sukehiro does?"
Nacht was confused for a second, until he realized that Ichika actually meant Yami. Right, Yami was the family name and Sukehiro his actual first name. This was still pretty confusing, it might be a topic for a few weeks. He nodded.
"Do you think the other Black Bulls might be angry at me if I'm not agreeing with everything he does, despite being his sister?"
Despite the hesitance, her voice was calm, serious, as if she was discussing some duties that needed to be done. Nacht was impressed.
"Do you think about how Magna asked you to help him defend Yami… sorry, Sukehiro during breakfast yesterday?"
"Not only. I admit… Back in Hino, Asta and I had a fight about my brother. We made peace afterwards, but after coming here, I couldn't forget how fiercely he defended Sukehiro. I have… issues with my brother, it's complicated…"
"You don't need to tell anything, your family issues are not my business." Even though he was even more intrigued. She had a fight with Asta about Yami? But when they met, Asta and her seemed to get rather along. At least Asta, Ichika had been stoic. All Nacht realized was that there was more, but he won't poke. It was certainly a very difficult subject for Ichika, for Yami probably as well.
"As for your question, well, those idiots really have your brother in high esteem. Not without any reasons, he helped them out of difficult situations, after all. But some of them sometimes kinda put him on a pedestal. But like I told you, he is not perfect and you saw it this morning yourself. The Black Bulls are very protective of their own, but they have themselves critics about each other. You met Zora and Gauche, you saw how Luck and Magna are acting with each other. No, you don't need to agree with everything your brother does and those idiots are still too kind, they might understand."
Ichika nodded, with less hesitance this time. Nacht didn't know how deep the issues she mentioned were, maybe he would never know, that was too close for comfort. But one thing for sure, it was bothering her.
And he couldn't help but feel compassion towards her.
Compassion for something he had no idea what it was. Strange… this was the first time he felt something that way.
"You are a strange person, Nacht-sama."
"Oh, am I? Probably, given the bunch I have to be a vice-captain for."
"You don't seem to care about anyone, but in a way you do. I think you might be a good person."
Nacht didn't show anything in his mimics, but he still put his spoon back. No, she was wrong. He wasn't a good person. No matter what anyone would pretend, especially Yami and the Black Bulls, Nacht knew very well that he wasn't a good person. Ichika couldn't know that, she had the excuse that she didn't know him at all.
"I don't see myself as someone good."
"I see. Well, in my case, recent events made me wonder if I'm truly someone good."
"It's not that bad to question yourself from time to time."
"Except when you can't stop thinking about it."
"Then your future actions should decide about that."
Ichika nodded again and then actually smiled at Nacht. It was so different than from Yami, it was small and a bit sad.
But Nacht had the feeling that for some reason, it was morning again within his night.
"Nozel, you shouldn't be here. I don't have long to live anymore. You're still too young to witness something like this."
"No, no I can't! I refuse to leave you alone! Maybe, maybe…"
"You hope on a miracle? Oh Nozel… I hope that too, every day since I got cursed. But blind hope won't do us both any good. Please, my son, you should go. You already went through so much, you're too young for this burden. Don't make it heavier as it is already. It's too much for a child…"
"No, I don't want to go! I refuse to leave you alone! I can't let this happen! If anything, I refuse to let you die… die alone…"
"Oh, my baby boy…"
Nozel still could hear both of their cries and tears when he woke up. A dream. A nightmare. A memory.
When it was about his mother, those three things were practically the same. It happened so many years ago. But it was still so clear when he remembered it. Especially after everything that happened with Lucius Zogratis.
It happened so long ago…
But it was real, just like the tears that were right now flowing down his cheeks. Nozel didn't even tried to wash them away. It was useless. After over a decade of holding them back, he didn't have the strength anymore to keep them.
The ceiling was the same, the big chamber with bare furniture, this king-sized bed. Not much a sanctuary since the death of his mother. More like a cage? A cage he locked himself in. Or did others locked him in too? Did he let them do?
Whoever they were…
Nozel turned his head to look at Vanessa. They were so close, holding each other, almost clinging. One of his arms was around her shoulders, his other hand was holding hers, since one of her arms lied on his chest, her head resting on his shoulder. She looked so peaceful, almost smiling in her sleep.
Of course she was here, they have again slept together yesterday evening. They practically met every day for this since the war with Lucius Zogratis was over. Not that they never had sensual embraces before, over the past year, they had plenty of them. But over the past year, it had happened that they would meet in more innocent ways, sometimes they didn't get into the bed together for weeks.
But they always found themselves back into each other arms again one time or another…
Always drawn to each other, Nozel had no idea how exactly this could have happened. Their first time had been rough, Vanessa had been very emotional and angry, he was himself not feeling great after coming back from Spade. Their first time should have been just a simple one-night-stand, working out the tension both of them had been in that day. It should have remain that way.
Normally…
But it didn't. Vanessa came to him again three days later and Nozel had let her in. He didn't dared to put the reason into words, even within his thoughts. Maybe it hasn't really started with their first time, but more with the second time they slept together. When it was more soft, more sensual, more deep.
Which was certainly strange for two people just having sex together. But… every time he spend with Vanessa, every moment they shared, it was so much more than just sex. And this was so confusing to Nozel. Why was a relationship based on only sex feeling so satisfying on every meeting, why doesn't it felt like only bodies coming together, but also souls finding someone to understand?
Heavens, what would his mother say about this?
Nozel closed his eyes, trying to not cry, while more tears fell down his cheek. He'd lost count about how many times he asked himself what his mother would think about each of the decisions he had made, each of the hardships he had to face, each of the situations he had found himself in.
How many times since Aciers death had he wished to have her opinion, her guidance? For her help?
Acier did promised that she would help him learning how to lead their house, their family, so that one day he would be ready. She promised… but couldn't hold her promise, because of Vanica Zogratis and Megicula, because of everything that happened back then. When she died, Nozel hadn't been ready to take over a royal house. He hadn't been ready to lead while he was still a child, while he was still grieving.
A grief that never really stopped over the years.
Would his mother also helped him about… this whole situation with Vanessa? If Acier had been alive, would he have started this strange affair in the first place? Heavens, Nozel hated those questions. And he hated calling his bond with Vanessa an affair. It was such a bland, horrible word for something that felt so soothing.
Nozel sat up, letting go of Vanessa, which seemed more difficult than it should be. He looked at her, how she was sleeping so peacefully, her rosewood hair spread on his pillow like a cloud during dusk, as she was sky fairy bringing sunset.
He almost moved his hand to caress her soft face, to put a strand of hair behind her ear. But he didn't. Nozel felt like a truly horrible person to watch her sleep. He couldn't help but feel that way, even though they had sex just hours before.
Would his mother have liked Vanessa or not? Would Acier have been disappointed that he met with a girl just to sleep with said girl? Or would she have thought that their meetings were on romantic nature?
They weren't. What kind of romantic relationship could ever been born out of lust, out of an affair, out of something that was considered a vice?
Why did it felt so pure then, if it was so tainted?
Nozel has no answer for that. He shouldn't have continued it, Vanessa deserved better. By sleeping with her, didn't he somehow take her chances away to move on from her heartbreak, to find someone who could love her back, who could see how wonderful she was? Who could give her the love Yami would never give her? She deserved someone like that. Despite his damned inability to let her go, to let her free, Nozel wished that Vanessa could meet someone like that.
The universe really had fun to remind him that he wasn't a good person in any way.
It should be so simple. Vanessa would be free to fell truly in love and he could no longer looking away from his duty, to contract a marriage which will be the key for the romantic liberty of his siblings.
And yet, it was easier said than done. Every passing day, especially after each new sensual embrace, it became more difficult for him to let her go. Not to mention that Vanessa often made the first step for their meetings, clearly enjoying his company. Another thing he couldn't understand.
They had meetings when they just talked about everything, but Nozel knew that it couldn't be friendship. Friends don't sleep together. At least he thought so. He wondered what Aciers opinion could be about this topic…
This time, Nozel almost started to cry. Because he would never knew his mother's opinion about anything ever again. She was dead, she died in his arms for a second time not even a week ago and hopefully she would finally rest in peace.
Acier was dead, but he was still unable to move on. How pathetic was he, how weak? Why was he unable to move on?
Nozel got up quickly, put on his pyjama pants – he never put on a pyjama top since he was eighteen – and after one last longing glance at the woman in his bed, he went into his walk-in closet.
In the most hidden corner was a box, one he rarely opened but it was still something of deep emotional value for him. As it was filled with items that once belonged to Acier Silva. Just memories.
It was painful to look at all those objects, this was why Nozel rarely opened it. But sometimes, he needed to remind himself about the good memories he had of his mother, despite how it will always break his heart.
His grief will never go away at this point.
He looked at her favourite pink shawl, one she always wore during her pregnancies. Acier told him once that she used to wrap him with it when he was still a baby and that it always made him laugh, apparently.
There were some of her favourite books, she always had a weakness for covers made out of linen with golden coloured patterns. There was her silver compass, ornate like a jewellery, that Acier always had with her as a Magic Knight captain, because she always had difficulties to difference north from south and west from east without a helping tool. There were small framed paintings, portraits or landscapes about people and anything she loved…
And there was a small ornate chest, which contained her favourite diadem. In her will, Acier had specifically stated that Nozel should have it, for his future bride or one of his future potential daughters.
Probably a daughter, because Nozel was very determined to give one of his mother's favourite things to a woman who would only be interested in him due to his position as a royal. Even though he was unable to imagine himself as a father. It was also part of his duty, to conceive heirs and protect the bloodline. But it was impossible to see himself in a paternal position, as it was already difficult to see himself properly with a vain noble lady for the rest of his life. All he knew that this was the key for his siblings marital freedom and that despite a royal father shouldn't be that much involved into his children life, he wished to be a parent like his mother was.
It just felt so much more difficult to pull through that since the raid in Spade… Despite his better judgement, Nozel questioned himself and his decisions.
"Handsome?"
Nozel flinched, even though it was just Vanessa who entered his walk-in closet. There was relief in her amethyst eyes. Was she worried that he wasn't with her in bed when she woke up? And why did he felt bad that he worried her.
Vanessa still looked very sleepy, her hair unkempt but beautiful despite that. She yawned in an adorable way and Nozel blushed heavily when he realized that she was wearing one of his undershirts. It barely even covered her butt and one of her shoulders was free. She looked so seductive without trying wearing this…
Nozel looked away as he felt parts of his body react at this sight of Vanessa. Why was he still this emotional when there wasn't anything he hadn't seen about her? Shouldn't he be jaded about it by now?
But he didn't want to be jaded about it!
"What are those?" Vanessa asked, pointing at the items in the box.
"Things that belonged to my mother."
"Oh."
There was so much compassion in that simple word that Nozel felt like he was about to cry again.
To not wail in front of Vanessa, he continued, "After mother died, Nebra had run into her chambers and grabbed on so many things she could put her hands on, taking them with her. She often cried during that time, but mostly calmly, as she took it upon herself to hold Solid. When she took some of mother's stuff, it was practically the only time she let her emotions and grief run wild. Maybe she hoped that if she continued to use things that belonged to our mother, she wouldn't be really dead?"
"It's one way to see it, especially if you're a child. Did Nebra and Solid hold to you as well during that time?"
"Yes… but I don't think I was able to comfort her like I should have."
"You're too harsh on yourself, Nozel."
Maybe… But if he wasn't harsh on himself, who would be?
"My Vermillion aunt and myself also got some items from my mother. We made sure too that Solid and Noelle also got a box like we did. Solid was only almost four years old when my mother died and Noelle was a baby."
And he wondered if Noelle ever opened her box filled with their mother's stuff. It was still here in her bedroom at the palace, she hasn't taken it with her at the Black Bulls Hideout.
Was it difficult for her as well?
Seems that he would have another important talk with Noelle one day. But was it too late for that kind of talk?
Or was it just him trying to avoid painful tasks?
Nozel didn't know, he didn't know anymore after the whole ordeal with Lucius Zogratis. Maybe he never knew in the first place.
Vanessa looked carefully at the objects in the box, without daring to touch it, despite probably wanting to. The respect she was showing made Nozel longing for her even more than her siren-like appearance.
"You… you can touch them if you want."
The words left his lips before he was even able to even think about them. Vanessa looked up at him, surprised.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes… I trust you…"
He did. He really did. Nozel couldn't tell why, but he refused to think about. Because then, he would have questioned his trust in Vanessa and maybe it would have lead him to let her go for good.
Gently, Vanessa took out a mug out of the box. Her touches to the object were so soft, so respectful that Nozel wished for a second to be that mug.
Stop! What was wrong with him? Why did he wish to be a mug?
It was made of azure blue porcelain, with a simple golden trimmer at the top of the mug. Said golden trimmer seemed a bit paler at some spots, the ones where Acier often put her lips on. And there was a little dark spot on the handle, because she had one day put too much chocolate for her cocoa.
"It was my mother's favourite mug. I lost count about how many times she had drank her daily hot chocolate out of it."
"I can see why it was her favourite, it does look great. And it's shown that she used it very often. And this?"
The next item Vanessa took out of the box was a perfume flacon, made of pinkish purple glass, with the shape of two swans embracing with their wings. There was still some perfume in the bottle. A perfume from one of the finest perfumer in the kingdom. At least back then. Nozel wondered if that perfumer was still in business, if he changed the bottles of the perfumes over the years.
Vanessa put a bit on her palm before smelling it. She giggled immediately.
"Lavender. Guess you got that soft spot for lavender from her."
"Maybe? My mother loved perfumes, even lavender, despite that it isn't considered as a royal fragrance. But she still ordered it. When she died, there had been five different kinds of perfume in her bathroom, all with a different scent. Nebra took her hands on the bergamot perfume, as it was her favourite. I took the lavender one, my Vermillion aunt the orange blossom. We left the rose perfume for Noelle and the lemon perfume for Solid. I remember, one day I was sick and sad that I had to stay in bed. Mother came to embrace me as comfort, she had lavender perfume on."
"Lavender is very soothing, no wonder you and your mother came to like that fragrance. This is also a very nice looking bottle."
"Swans were her favourite animals."
Vanessa smiled as she took out a small framed painting in her hand. It showed Acier Silva in a purple and silver ball gown, simple but elegant. Her favourite diadem was on her head, her Silva earrings at her ears, no other jewellery.
"Gosh, Noelle really looks a lot like her! I wonder how she would look like with that hair style."
"Yes… Noelle take so much from our mother and not only the looks. She was the only lucky one in the genetic roulette."
"Don't say that. You were lucky to, just as her. You're one of the most handsome man I know."
"It's silly, but I wish I got more from my mother."
"You have her eyes, for a start. And honestly, when I look at this painting, I don't only see Noelle, but also some of your features. Noelle look a lot like her, but I know for sure that this isn't her smile. That is also yours."
It was? Nozel couldn't tell, he wasn't very good at smiling. His mother smiled more often, though.
Vanessa continued to look at the painting, caressing the frame. "Noelle's resemblance with your mother is undeniable. But when I look at this picture, it still Acier Silva that I see, not Noelle. The differences are more subtle, true, but they're here."
"You're able to do something I was never able to… I always saw so much of my mother in Noelle, that I was unable to see the differences. And this… this lead…"
"Shh, it's okay."
No, it wasn't. He made so many mistakes with Noelle and after so long, Nozel came to believe that he would never be able to make amends, to redeem himself. Wouldn't it be surprising that it was too late for him?
Taking his hand with one, Vanessa took a small chest out of the box with her free hand. The chest his mother's favourite diadem where. When was the last time he opened it?
"Hey, that is the same diadem like on the picture! Holy Witch Hat, it looks even prettier in real."
"It was my mother's favourite diadem."
"Silver of course and I like how the patterns look like strange leaves and… water somehow? And those blue, pink, purple and white gems in the shape of flowers are just lovely. What do they represent exactly?"
"Water lilies. My mother's favourite flowers."
"No wonder that it was her favourite diadem, then."
"I'm… I'm glad I got."
"Do you want to wear it yourself? You might look good with it, handsome as you are."
"No… It's just that my mother specifically stated in her will that she wanted me to have it. For… either my future wife… or one of my potential daughters… But I don't think I'm ready yet for it."
Nozel didn't want to say this, but those words left his lips before he could hold himself back. Why did he said his doubts out loud when he always forced himself to not even thing about them?
"I see."
It was all Vanessa said. For some reason, instead of being relieved that she didn't push him, Nozel found himself to wish that she would have asked him what he meant with those words. Was this a good thing or a bad thing?
Quick, he needed to think about something else, to do something else.
Carefully, he took the diadem out of the chest. Looking at it, he remembered how his mother always loved to wear it, when there was an opportunity. One time, when he was thirteen, he had brushed her hair while she was doing her light make-up, for a ball she needed to attend and then he had put the diadem on her head.
Before he realized it, he put the diadem softly on Vanessas head. To her surprise and to his own. But Nozel didn't regret it. He just couldn't.
"Handsome?"
"It does suit you."
"Thank you."
A soft smile appeared on Vanessas lips. Different from her flirty, teasing smirk. But it was still hers. And Nozel felt like he was wanting her again. So much. Why were her gentle touches on his mother's stuff and this smile having this effect on him?
Suddenly, Vanessa moved forward and put her lips on his cheek, kissing a tear away that fell down, without him realizing it. A soft touch that burned somehow more than all the fiery kisses they shared every time they slept together.
"You don't need to hold back your tears, Nozel. You miss your mother, of course it's normal to cry."
"But I should have moved on so long ago already."
"Nozel… I won't find you pathetic for that. Really. If you want, I can be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. Like you were for me one year ago."
"Back then, it wasn't really comfort…"
"But it was three days afterwards. I don't regret it."
Maybe she should. After all, her heart belonged to another. But despite the mysterious stab in his heart, Nozel didn't think it was important right now. For the first time in his life, someone actually allowed him to be fully vulnerable, without asking why. To just be there when he might cry.
How much he wished someone would have given him something like this seventeen years ago, when his mother died. If only there could have been someone who would have allowed him to be vulnerable and grieving.
So, Nozel lied down, his head on Vanessas lap and started to silently cry. He didn't wail, as he felt a bit too exhausted for that. But he let his tears flew down his cheeks, falling on her legs, while Vanessa caressed him, humming a comforting melody.
Nozel closed his eyes. How he wished that this could last for longer. Just a bit longer. Just… forever.
Was it too much to ask? Probably. But it felt good just for this moment. As if part of his burden disappeared, even if it was just temporary. It was like a cocoon and for once, he was able to forget the world outside.
His eyes closed, Nozel couldn't see the tears in Vanessas eyes as she continued to caress his hair. Because if he would have seen the deep affection in her eyes, he would have wondered for good about the true nature of their relationship.