(I)
Things continue to become more mudane by the second. Another 8 days of the same routine, even more talents successfully recovered. Biology, luck, anthology, chemistry, piano, psychology, physics, detection, and athletism all came so easily. I haven't failed another test, yet the topic of surgery keeps getting thrown around. How twisted of me to practically wish for it. As slim of a chance as it was, maybe then I could remember more of the past. Who I was, who I knew, what I did with this void inside me. Did I once have the answers? Perhaps I have so many talents to fill this void.
Doesn't it make sense? My own parents haven't visited or called, so I can imagine they've been neglectful in my everyday life. It seems my child self would get involved in many different things to either please them or ease the loneliness. Is that what this feeling is or is this boredom truly making me lose it? It's difficult to tell. Despite everything, I can't identify this feeling. Having a talent of psychology didn't make my understanding of myself much clearer when it comes to that. Whatever caused this emptiness in my chest continues to get worse. I tell myself it's because I'm essentially locked away. The only door out is locked allegedly for my safety. How illogical. I constantly wonder when I can leave. When asked, the Steering Committee has no real answer.
Poor Matsuda keeps hearing my complaining. Like a genuine companion he actually listens. Even if he often snaps back with some sarcastic comment, I can tell he's not genuinely annoyed. If anything, the subtleties in his words point to a sort of helplessness of what he could do to ease my issues. I let out a small fraction of my inner turmoil as his face shows that hint of compassion he thinks he hides so well. "If I knew when I could leave, would that make this more bearable?" I sigh the words out. The uncomfortable chair he stays in squeaking as he moves forward. A thinking expression painted his pale face when he plainly speaks. "What would help you right now?"
An unexpected response. I predicted he'd say 'just take it day by day, dumbass' or 'i know you're not completely brainless, so keep going'. Sometimes I wonder if he purposely tries to go against my predictions. To test this theory, I shoot for the stars. Would he actually try to grant my wish? Or would he do the predictable and just listen? "I want to go outside. To talk to people or even just to walk around. I might be low of vitamin D which would explain my mood." To my request, Matsuda shakes his head. "No, we give you vitamins everyday. We don't give you all those pills for nothing, y'know." Of course, he focused on that. Expected. I sigh as I look at the ground. Tiled imperfections I have memorized. Taking an absurd amount each morning and night added to the routine. I don't know what each medication was or what they're for exactly.
"Alright, look. Keep your mouth shut and maybe we can sneak out for a few hours. It'll be in the middle of the night, so don't complain about being tired tomorrow." Oh? Sneak out? That implies that we really couldn't ask. I figured that was true since when I asked to go out for some air I was told it was too rainy. A possibility, sure, but the committee member seemed a bit worked up over the question. That serious expression assured me that he wasn't kidding. For the first time in days, I smiled. Haven't done that since I pestered him last a couple days ago. Something he's surely growing tired of. "Deal." I debate asking him what we'd do and decided not to. Guessing what he'd plan was more fun, although I'll most likely figure it out before he does.
--
My muscles are sore from the test of an athlete talent yesterday. Something new yet unpleasant. The test today was for basic computer knowledge. Of course, the answers flowed out as if it was the most natural thing in the world. None of that mattered right now. Instead of dwelling on my physical state, I patiently waited for the minutes to pass. I would normally be asleep by now, but I know any second Matsuda will come in.
My theory is we'll most likely walk around aimlessly outside or in the building. I'd much rather be outside. I crave to remember what it felt like to breathe in nature instead of an old, unreliable A/C unit. I can't remember if I enjoyed being outside particularly, yet I know I would go insane if I stayed in this mock cell any longer. I crave to feel a natural breeze on my skin and through my now shoulder length hair. Did my hair always grow this fast or did the insane amount of pills cause that? No need to worry about that right now. Ideally, I can live this small dream soon.
"Psst. Put these on." Matsuda tosses some clothes at me before I can say anything. None that I recognize, of course. A black suit, loafers, tie, and a white button up. I don't waste any time in changing right in front of him. He's already seen my brain, so it shouldn't be a problem. Being in a robe constantly is comfortable, but it often feels like I'm being lazy or undermined. Using the socks I already wear, I slide on the shoes quickly as if I would never get this opportunity again. That's very possible. Who knows when or if I can ever leave again before I'm completely healed. Whenever that is...
"Let's go." He opens that damned door and leads the way out. I expected there to be a generic hallway or a small observation room on the other side due to the tinted window, yet I was partially mistaken. An observation room, yes, a rather large and messy one at that. Papers stacked by one of the multiple computers, different files across the multiple tables, and, most disturbingly, all 9 chairs facing the window to my room. How many people were watching me at a time? I only knew of 5 people who were helping me.
I don't want to think about that at the moment. I want to enjoy the escapade while it lasts. The next door lead to a hallway. A long, abandoned, depressing hallway, but I'd chose to stare at it than be back there. Without a word, Matsuda keeps walking. Each step down this insanely long corridor makes me more excited as the exit comes closer in sight. Double doors leading to the outside. The outside only being shown as a night sky and the orange tinted exterior light. It's really happening! As soon as Matsuda's hand reached the door, he stops. "If you see anyone, don't talk to them. Most people are asleep, so you shouldn't have the chance to blow it." That familiar subtlety of kindness behind the harshness of tone. I suppose not socializing is so no one can tell the committee about the adventure. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just let me out!" My child-like grin is impossible to restrain when he sighs to push the door open. The only thing separating me from my little wish.
Stepping out to take it all in, I scanned every detail in front of me. Neatly bricked walkways open to other buildings. A fountain way down the path, barely in sight. A light, warm breeze blowing calmly through me. Not completely clear yet still a beautiful night sky wraps around the area as if this was the entire world. My eyes darted around for all the information on what I could see. Sounds of peaceful wind and a few crickets echo off the concrete. I turn to Matsuda after a moment to process everything. My smile must be bigger than I thought. "Hey, don't look all excited like some freshmen. You wanted out here, so what do you wanna do?" He asks while returning a smirk.
"Well, I can't say I remember anything about this place... Haha. You could show me your favorite parts." Without hesitation, Matsuda starts pointing at buildings to explain them as he takes me down one of the pathways. East building, West building, science building, main building, Reserve Course building, an old school building, girl's dorms, boy's dorms, so much I couldn't remember all of them! Such a big school seems like it'd be easy to get lost in. Seriously, you'd need a map to navigate this place! The long-winded explanation of the layout doesn't interest me as much as finding out what his favorite part of the school is. If it's one of the parts he's introduced, then I predict it would be his dorm or the science building. Cliche. Not as bad as him saying all of it was his favorite. No, that's not like him.
"Let me guess, your favorite place is your dorm, huh?" We tread off the path as I lay down my expectation. "No, but it's a close second. It's somewhere most kids don't care about." Without further explanation, I can only follow him. Hmm, what all did this school have? Beyond the walkway and way back to the furthest edge of the campus, a small forest like garden grew. Long barely cut grass surrounded by multiple types of trees and flowers. All the foilage only separated from the sidewalk by a small metal barrier. Completely going into another world within the urban outlook of it's surroundings.
"This is it." Now that was the most surprising thing about it. Matsuda didn't seem the type to be into nature. At least not enough for it to be his favorite place. Perhaps he's more unpredictable than I expected. Liking manga, liking nature, what else? I decide not to tease him about it for now. "Can we go in?" Instead of answering, he goes over the line and lays down on the grass with a carefree sigh. A sound I've never heard from him before. The itchiness doesn't seem to bother him as he faces upwards with his eyes closed. I follow his lead, sitting down beside him a few feet away. "Reading manga here is the best. Pop some headphones in and the world melts away." His transparency alarms me. Why is he being so relaxed and nice? Something's wrong...
I think of all the possibilities. Did my bitching about boredom make him look at me with sympathy? Did something unrelated happen in his life that has him acting kinder? Was his attitude different because the Steering Committee wouldn't see? My smile fades as I view all the predictable causes. Calculating all the possibilities in my head, I don't waste time. "I've never seen you so open before. Is everything okay?" His smirk dissolves into his boringly common expression. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. He stares at me, mind churning as it figures out what to say. "...Yeah. Do you feel any better?" Him avoiding the question makes it so much worse. I know he isn't the type to talk about his emotions, but I can't shake the feeling he wanted to say something.
"I do. Thank you for sneaking me out." I pause as I find the perfect way to ease him. "I didn't mean that you couldn't open up, y'know. It's not like you... Or are you just trying to derail my predictions?" A light chuckle responds before any words do. "No, dumbass. You're just easy to talk to. I see you everyday, so it's expected of one of us to open up eventually." That usual sarcasm laces his words. Much better. An answer I can accept without worry. Easy to talk to? How surprising considering it seemed difficult for him at first.
"You're easy to talk to too even when you refuse to call me anything other than dumbass."
"It suits you more."
"Yeah, whatever. You just forgot what it was. I remember yours, Ma-tsu-da."
"I'm not getting lectured about memory loss from you!"
"You can't remember how to properly tie a tie when I can so clearly something isn't right up there."
"I've looked at your brain, that's where the real problem is. Your roots are showing. I can't take you seriously."
"I can't take YOU seriously when you're wearing sandals with that uniform. You look like a half ass loser."
We turn to each other again and start laughing before he can't fit in another come back. Good. I could go all day like that. I wonder how long he could go. How long has it been since I laughed so hard? I don't think I've ever heard him laugh before either. I needed this. Being out here and just talking helped my mood as much as possible. I think we had a really good time.