"Mommy, am I going wif 'owan today?" Nora asked as Maya brushed the toddler's hair.
"No Piccola, remember, you are going to go with me and Mamma to an appointment to talk to a nice lady," Maya said as she grabbed a ponytail off the counter.
"But not 'owan?" Nora asked.
"No," Maya said, "Remember, Mamma took Rowan to go play with Josie and Nathan and Aunt Laila."
"Why?" Nora asked.
"Because this appointment we are going to is just for you," Maya said, "So we can help you feel better."
"But I'm not sick," Nora said.
"I know," Maya said, taking Nora's hand and guiding her out of the bathroom and into her and Carina's bedroom, both of them sitting on the bed, "But you know how sometimes, when we drop you off at daycare, your tummy hurts? And you get very nervous?"
"Tetause I miss you," Nora said, climbing into Maya's lap, putting her fingers in her mouth as she reached for a piece of Maya's hair to play with.
"I know," Maya said, hugging the little girl close, "And it is ok to miss me and Mamma when we aren't there, but we also want to make sure you are able to have fun and enjoy things even when Mamma and I aren't there because you deserve to have all the fun and not feel so sad and not have your tummy hurt all the time."
"Oh," Nora said, still sucking her fingers.
"This appointment isn't scary," Maya said, "And Mamma and I are going to be there for you the whole time. We might have to go outside the room for a little bit if the doctor asks us to, but we will come right back and after, we can come home and have lots of cuddles ok?"
Maya and Carina has already discussed this plan when they had found out that they would be able to take Nora in to see the childhood psychologist this week. They had called the day after they decided they needed to take her and were shocked to find out that there was an appointment available that Friday.
Luckily, Carina had off work so they could take her together. And they had decided to have Rowan go play at Mason and Laila's because Laila had asked if the girls wanted to have a play date at some point soon, and it was always hard on the twins when only one of them went to daycare. It did happen when only one of them was sick, but it made it better that Rowan could go spend the day with her cousins while Maya and Carina could give Nora all their attention.
Both Maya and Carina knew how taxing therapy could be and while they had no idea if it would be the same for Nora as it often was for them, they wanted to make sure they could just spend time with her after.
Luckily, Vic, Amelia, and Andy had offered to take shifts with Lia so Maya and Carina could wait to go until the twins went to bed if Nora needed them. It wasn't ideal, but it would work. Lia was doing better and better every day. She had been able to taper down to normal oxygen and was more and more of her feeds completely by mouth every day. She also hadn't had an A and B spell in four days and she was starting to act more like a baby and less like a preemie. She was over 36 weeks at this point and every day she was getting stronger and more ready to go home. Her reflux was still bothering her, but they had added a medication to help with it, and it had done wonders for her.
It made Maya and Carina both so happy to see their littlest thriving as much as she had been. There were a few tests she had coming up at the early part of the following week to check on some things related to her prematurity and also her brain bleed, all of which Maya was trying desperately not to think about because every time she did, she felt somehow even more overwhelmed than she did about the fact that they were taking their three-and-a-half-year-old to see a therapist.
"When is Mamma going to be home?" Nora asked taking her fingers out of her mouth as she looked up at Maya.
"I think soon," Maya said, "Remember, she just took Rowan. I need to pump milk for Lia. Do you want to stay in here with me or go play in your room?"
"With you," Nora said, snuggling closer to Maya.
"Ok," Maya said, pressing a kiss to the top of her daughter's head, "Can you get off my lap for a minute so I can go get my pump?"
Nora nodded, climbing off her mommy's lap as the blonde went to grab her pump from the bathroom where it had been left after her last pumping session the night before. She put the pieces together before going back into the bedroom where Nora was still sitting on the bed waiting for her.
"Mommy, why do you have to do that?" Nora asked as Maya got the pump attached to her breasts.
"To get milk for Lia to eat," Maya said as she turned on the pump.
"How does the milk get there?" Nora asked, watching as the tiny drips of milk started filling the bottles.
"Well, I have something called mammary glands," Maya said, sitting down on the bed with Nora, "And the hormones that helped me have Lia also help me make milk for her."
"The hormomes that make you sad sometimes and sick sometimes?" Nora asked as Maya could all but see the wheels in her head turning.
"Yep," Maya said, "Just like those hormones."
"But I don't want you to be sick nanymore," Nora said, tears forming in her brown eyes, "I don't want you to sleep at the hospipal."
"No," Maya said, realizing what was going on, "No, the hormones that made me so sick went away. Once Lia was born and she and the placenta were out, those hormones went away. There are lots of different hormones in everyone's body so the ones that help me make milk for Lia are not the same as the ones that made me sick."
"But how?" Nora asked.
"How what Piccola?" Maya asked as she held Nora close.
"How do some hormomes make you sick and some don't?" Nora asked.
"Because they do different things," Maya said, "I can't remember exactly what all of them are called, but Mamma knows all about it if you want to ask her when she gets home."
"But you won't sleep at the hospipal?" Nora asked.
"I don't have to sleep at the hospital because I am sick from the pregnancy hormones anymore," Maya said, shaking her head, "I can never promise that I will never have to spend the night in the hospital ever again because sometimes people get sick or hurt and have to go to the hospital, but I can promise you that I will try very hard to not have to spend the night at the hospital, ok?"
"But I don't ever want you to have to adain," Nora said, shaking her head, "Tetause I will miss you."
"I would miss you too if it happened," Maya said, "And like I said, I am going to try so, so hard to never have to spend another night at the hospital."
Maya knew there was a 50/50 chance that they were going to be spending one night in the hospital before Lia came home if they were sending her home with oxygen or with a feeding tube but they would cross that bridge when they got there. The hope now was that everything would be removed before she was discharged, but that was up to Lia and her little body. There was absolutely no reason to introduce that idea into Nora though.
"Mommy, why does Yia have to spend so much nights at the hospipal?" Nora asked, surprising Maya a little bit.
Nora had shown very little interest in Lia up to this point and Maya honestly didn't know if the toddler fully understood she had a baby sister.
"Well, because when she was born, she was very tiny, too tiny to live at home because she needed lots of help to eat and breathe and stay warm," Maya said, "But she will come home eventually, hopefully in a few weeks."
"Oh," Nora said, "When she comes home, can I see her?"
"Of course," Maya said, "Of course you can. You can see her and hold her and her eventually play with her. One day she will be big like you and Rowan."
"Really?" Nora said, her eyes wide.
"Really," Maya said, nodding.
It was only now dawning on her that Nora didn't know this, that she had no clue that Lia would get bigger. Sure, they had been around other babies, but this was different. And with Lia still being in the hospital, it made sense that it was confusing for Nora. They had explained a lot of things to the twins many times, but it seemed like it was only just starting to click for Nora now.
Just then, they both heard footsteps coming up the stairs and a moment later, Carina appeared at the door to the bedroom.
"Mamma," Nora said, launching herself at Carina as the Italian came over to the bed.
"Hi Piccola," Carina said, holding the little girl close, "How was your time with Mommy?"
"Good," Nora said, "Did you know Yia is going to get bigger and play?"
"I did," Carina nodded, "Did you and Mommy talk about that?"
"Si," Nora said, "And Mommy had hormomes that help her make milk for Yia."
"Sounds like you two had some big conversations while I was gone," Carina said, going over to the bed where Maya was taking off her pump, setting Nora down as she took the pump parts from her wife, giving her a kiss before going to store the milk while Maya got her shirt back on.
"We did," Maya said, smiling at Nora, "We also talked about going to the doctor today, right Nora Mae?"
"Si," Nora said, slipping her fingers back unto her mouth as the anxiety clearly crept back in.
"It is going to be a good day with just me and you and Mommy," Carina said, nodding as she tucked the milk bottles into the mini fridge with the other ones from overnight that all would need to end up downstairs at some point, "And after we go to the doctor, we can come home and have lots of cuddles. Tanti abbracci, si?"
Nora nodded, reaching for Carina to pick her up.
"Piccola, it is all going to be ok," Carina said, scooping her up and holding her close, rocking a little bit as she pressed a kiss to Nora's head, "Mommy and I are right here with you."
"Yes we are," Maya said, going over to her wife and daughter, "We have a little bit of time before it's time to leave. Would you like to go read your dinosaur book?"
"The new one from Zio Tee?" Nora asked, picking her head up off Carina's shoulder.
"That's what I was thinking," Maya nodded seeing the smile on Nora's face.
"Yet's go Mamma," Nora said, "Yet's go get my book."
"I think your book is in your room," Carina said, "Why don't you go grab it and I will meet you downstairs. I need to get all of the milk Mommy made for Lia brought down too."
"Okay," Nora said as Carina set her down, "But don't take too yong ok?"
"I will be there as soon as I get Lia's milk," Carina promised as Nora headed toward the door.
"I am just going to finish getting ready," Maya said, "And then I will come join you."
"There's no rush," Carina said, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her wife's ear, "Laila said to tell you hello, by the way."
"How is she doing?" Maya asked, "I feel like the worst sister-in-law. I have not checked in with her as much as I wanted to after Nathan was born."
"She is doing well," Carina said, "I think it has been a bit of an adjustment since Mason went back to school, but she seems like she is doing well. And we have been a bit busy since Nathan was born. I don't think Laila is upset."
"Still," Maya sighed, "It just keeps feeling like one thing after another."
"It has been a lot recently," Carina said, setting down the milk bottles she had pulled from the fridge, going over to her wife and wrapping her in a hug, "It will slow down eventually."
"I know," Maya said, burying her face in her wife's chest, just needing a moment of stability.
Just then, Maya's phone buzzed, causing her to pull out of the hug.
"Oh shit," Maya said, earning her a confused look from her wife, "My 6-week postpartum appointment is in three days."
"Wow," Carina said, shaking her head, "Really? It's already been six weeks?"
"I guess so," Maya said, looking at her calendar, "Yeah, Lia will be six weeks old in just a few days. It's all been so fast and also so slow."
"Si," Carina said, "Well, I know I purposely planned to have the day of that appointment off so I will be right there with you, ok?"
"Thank you," Maya said, smiling a little at her wife.
"Mamma," they both heard before anyone could say anything else.
"I will go find her," Carina said, "Finish getting ready. We have to leave in…"
"Twenty minutes," Maya said, already knowing, "That way we can be early and get everything filled out and make sure she feels comfortable in the office."
Carina smiled at her wife, wondering why she even bothered to say anything because of course the blonde knew.
It didn't take long for Maya to finish getting ready, just a little bit of make-up, a quick brush through her hair, and then she went to get dressed. Clothes were still a little bit rough for her because nothing fit her quite right. As she pulled on a pair of leggings, she looked down at her stomach which still had some extra weight on it and just didn't look quite like her body. She tried really hard to put it out of her mind as she got dressed, but then a new thought popped into her head that just about took her breath away.
Her six-week appointment was in three days meaning that she would likely be cleared for sex in three days. However, as much as she loved her wife and deeply missed their sex life that had not been anywhere near what it once was since she got pregnant, she also had absolutely no desire to let Carina see her body like this. Not with the extra fluff around her middle and the loss of muscle in her entire body.
And what if things hadn't gone back to how they once were after her tear? What if Carina didn't find her attractive anymore because Maya certainly didn't find herself nearly as attractive as she once had? She knew Carina had told her how beautiful she was during her pregnancy and also after, but there was a loud voice in the back of Maya's head telling her that it wasn't real, that as soon as she let her wife see her fully naked again, that she would realize that this wasn't what she signed up for and not want to touch her. Not that Maya was ready to let Carina touch her because she was so uncomfortable in her own body. All of these thoughts were racing around her head so loudly that she didn't hear anything until she heard the knock on the bathroom door.
"Bambina, are you almost ready?" Carina called.
"Yeah," Maya said, stuffing her feelings down, knowing today was about Nora and she wanted to keep it that way, "I'll be right out. Can you make sure my pumping bag is ready?"
"Nora and I already did," Carina said, "Do you need anything else?"
"No," Maya said, opening the door, her clothes now on, "I just need to grab my water and I'm ready."
"We reready did that Mommy," Nora said from her place in Carina's arms.
"Thank you Piccola," Maya said, smiling as she kissed Nora's cheek, "Should we go?"
"No," Nora said, "I think we should stay home."
"We can't do that Piccola," Carina said as the three of them headed toward the stairs, "But we are all going to go together. Mommy and Mamma and Nora ok?"
"My tummy hurts," Nora said, laying her head down on Carina's shoulder.
"Let's take some big deep breaths," Maya said as they got to the bottom of the stairs, "I'll count ok?"
Nora nodded a little bit, following Maya's overexaggerated breathing for a minute.
"Good job," Carina said, rubbing her back, "Is your tummy feeling better?"
"A yittle bit," Nora said, putting her fingers in her mouth.
"It is going to be ok," Maya said, "Mamma and I are right here with you. It's ok to feel nervous about things. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling."
"Should we go?" Carina asked after another minute, knowing they were going to be late which was going to create a second anxious person for her to deal with .
"I think that's a good idea," Maya said, nodding as she grabbed her pumping bag and the diaper bag off the kitchen table as they headed to the car.
The drive to the therapist's office was pretty quiet. Maya drove while Carina kept an eye on Nora, the toddler eventually reaching out for Carina. The Italian reached her hand back, holding Nora's hand in her own, gently rubbing her finger over the tiny hand.
They got to the therapy office on time, Carina carrying Nora into the office while holding Maya's hand. The office was bright and fun, toys and books in the waiting room, a cute mural painted on the wall.
"I am going to go get her checked in," Maya said, squeezing Carina's hand, "Why don't you guys go sit?"
"Mommy," Nora said, reaching for Maya, "No."
"We can go with Mommy," Carina said, not about to make any of this harder on the little brunette.
It didn't take long for them to get checked in, Maya having filled out the paperwork online during one of her late night pumping sessions. It didn't take too long for them to get called back, all three of them pretty anxious about what was going to happen.
The session turned out to be a lot smoother than Maya and Carina expected. The therapist was amazing, helping make Nora very comfortable. She even used toy dinosaurs to help Nora open up a little bit and while she never let Maya and Carina out of her sight, Nora did play with Miss Taylor and talk to her a little bit.
Taylor then let Nora play while she talked to Maya and Carina about what she thought. She agreed that Nora obviously had some anxiety going on but it was nothing they couldn't help her with. They went through things Maya and Carina were already doing, and Taylor was impressed with everything they were doing.
She talked to Maya and Carina about what she had gone through with Nora and some tips and exercises to work on with Nora on top of what they were doing. She praised them for what they were already doing and assured them that what Nora was going through was not at all uncommon for kids her age and they were doing exactly what they should.
All in all, it was a very effective appointment and it made both Maya and Carina feel a little bit better about everything happening with Nora. They headed home after, stopping at one of their favorite Italian cafes for lunch on the way.
"Mommy?" Nora said, looking up at Maya as she held her sandwich in her hands.
"Yes Nora?" Maya said smiling.
"Are we gonna see Miss Tayor again?" Nora asked.
"We are," Maya said, grabbing a napkin and wiping some of the tomato off of Nora's face, "Is that ok?"
"I fink so," Nora said, thinking, "She was nice."
"She was, wasn't she?" Carina said, "We are going to go see her again in two weeks if that's ok?"
"Si," Nora said, "Will Owan come too?"
"Probably not," Maya said, "Miss Taylor is someone just for you to see for right now."
"Oh," Nora said, "Why?"
"Well, because you know how your tummy hurts a lot when we take you to daycare?" Carina said, "And sometimes you get very sad and nervous when you aren't with Mommy and I? Miss Taylor is going to help your tummy hurt less and help you feel a little less nervous."
"Not that there is anything wrong with missing Mamma and I when we are gone," Maya said, wanting to make it very clear that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings their perfect little girl was having, "But sometimes it makes it hard for you to play with your friends and have fun and we want you to be able to have fun because that is important in life. It's ok to feel sad. There is never anything wrong with that. We just want you to be able to feel all the emotions, and not just sad and nervous. You have lots of big emotions and that is a good thing, but we just want to make sure your big emotions aren't so big that they hurt you."
"And we will never be mad or sad with you for feeling any emotion," Carina added, "We just want to make sure you know how to best deal with your emotions and we also want to learn how to help you deal with your emotions because that is part of our job as your moms."
Nora looked very introspective for a while and Maya and Carina were a little bit worried they had said too much and confused the little girl.
"So Miss Tayor will help me feel better?" Nora asked, "She will help my feelings feel better?"
"Yes," Carina said, "She will. Is that ok?"
"Si," Nora said, "Tetause I don't yike when my tummy hurts."
"We don't either," Maya said, shaking her head, "We always want to help you feel better if we can."
"Ti boglio benny," Nora said, smiling at Maya and Carina.
"Ti voglio tanto bene," Carina said, reaching over and squeezing Nora's arm.
"I love you both so much," Maya said, standing up and going over to both of them, giving them big hugs.
The rest of that day was pretty subdued. Nora wanted cuddles on the couch when they got home and quickly fell asleep alongside Maya while Carina snuck into the kitchen to prepare some pollo alla cacciatora to take to Mason and Laila as a thank you for watching Rowan all day. Carina was almost done with the sauce when she felt arms wrap around her, smiling as she turned to see her wife standing behind her.
"Ciao Bambina," Carina said, "Did you have a good sleep?"
"I didn't mean to fall asleep," Maya said, snuggling into her wife's chest, "I didn't sleep that well last night."
"I know," Carina said, "I didn't either. I think I was more anxious about today than I realized."
"Same," Maya said, "I just hate the idea of anything being wrong with any of our kids. But I think Nora is going to be ok."
"Si," Carina said, "I agree. It was good to hear that a professional feels like we are helping her and getting a better understanding of what we should do with her."
"Part of me still hates that our three-year-old is in therapy," Maya said, "But part of me is happy that we have her getting the help she needs and she won't be like I was and thirty before I got help I needed since I was probably Nora's age."
"Same," Carina said, "I am happy she is getting help and we are getting help to be able to best help her. I can't help but think about what my papa would say about it, about what he said to me when I asked him to go to therapy when I was 17. He told me therapy was for the weak minded and that no child of his would ever be in therapy because 'Delucas are strong and do not need such things.' I cannot imagine ever saying that to anyone, let alone our children."
"I never even had the strength to ask Lane," Maya said, shaking her head, "I knew what the answer would be. He was mad when I would ask to go to the doctor when I was physically sick. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that our children will never know their grandfathers and then I remember things like that and I am grateful."
"Si," Carina said, pressing a kiss to the top of Maya's head, "Me too. And I am grateful for all the work we have put in to not be our fathers, or our mothers."
Maya nodded as she clung to Carina a little tighter. Their relationships with their moms had been so complicated as children and Carina had never repaired her fully before Elenora had died which she knew was extremely hard on her wife.
Maya and Katherine's relationship was still challenging, and while Nora and Rowan loved their grandma, Maya was still pretty happy that Katherine no longer lived in Seattle because seeing her with the girls always brought up some old feelings that weren't fun to deal with. Maya was beyond grateful for the relationship her kids had with her mom and hoped that it would get stronger as they got older, but Maya was still in the process of fully processing her feelings about her mom with Diane which was fine.
"What are you cooking?" Maya asked, still holding her wife.
"Pollo alla cacciatora," Carina said, pulling away a little to stir the sauce, "To take to Mason and Laila's tonight."
"Do you think…" Maya started to say before dropping off and looking away.
"What Bambina?" Carina asked, concerned something was wrong.
"Do you think after we put the twins to bed tonight, I could go to the hospital for a little bit to see Lia?" Maya asked, biting her lip, "I just…I really miss her and I know you do to and if you would rather go you can or maybe…"
"Hey," Carina said, stopping her wife, "You are right. I do miss her, but it is ok if you go tonight. I will see her tomorrow before work and I only work in the morning and then after lunch, I am just on call so I can get all the baby snuggles in."
"Are you sure?" Maya said, not wanting to be selfish with her time with the baby, "I feel like I am always the one going."
"Bambina, it is ok," Carina said, "You are still dealing with all the postpartum hormones and being around her will help with that and also help with your milk production and so many other things. I am ok with you being the one to go. I tell you when I really need to be the one to go and you always let me. Do I wish we could both be there all the time? Absolutely, but with the twins, we can't and that is ok. After we get the bambine to bed tonight, you can go and get all the baby cuddles ok? But you have to promise to send me pictures."
"I always do," Maya said, smiling, "She's too cute to not take a million photos of."
"This is very true," Carina said, "We do make some very cute bambine."
"They are objectively the cutest children in the world," Maya agreed as she pulled out her phone to find photos.
"I do not think you are the best person to be objective here," Carina said, raising an eyebrow, "And neither am I, but I do agree with you."
"Did you see this one Andy sent earlier?" Maya said, "Of Lia eating her bottle?"
"Si," Carina nodded, "She is doing so well with her feeds lately."
"I know," Maya said, "She's taking over half of them by mouth most days. Do you think she will be home before the end of the month?"
"Non lo so," Carina said, "That is less than two weeks from now and she still needs to be weaned off the oxygen and take all her feeds by mouth. And we have to see what her tests show us next week."
"I know," Maya asked, still looking at photos of Lia, "Amelia is going to check her brain again right? And then they have to check her ears and eyes? Am I forgetting anything?"
"I don't think so," Carina said, "They checked her heart when she first had her brain bleed and it was all good. And she will need a car seat test before she goes home, but that will be right before she comes home usually."
"What if something is wrong with her?" Maya said, fear filling her body again, "What if she is really sick and we don't know or something else happens or…"
"Bambina, we just take it one day at a time," Carina said, getting her wife to look at her, "All we can do is one day at a time. And she is growing and doing everything a baby her age should so that is very good. And whatever happens, we just love her through it and get her all the help she needs. Just like we are doing for Nora. We love her and help her and educate ourselves. That's all we can do."
"I wish we could just know everything was ok," Maya said as Carina dried her hands before coming over to give her wife a hug.
"Me too," Carina said, holding Maya close again, "Me too. The waiting is so hard."
Maya nodded as she held on tight to her wife for another minute before Carina started to squirm and pulled back.
"Bambina, are you…oh Maya," Carina said, laughing a little as she took a step back, Maya looking down and looking a bit horrified as she noticed two very large wet stains on her shirt around her boobs.
"Shit," Maya said, grabbing a towel and trying to dry her light grey shirt off, "How did that happen?"
"Well, you were looking at photos of Lia," Carina said, "And then you hugged me. I'm guessing the combo of seeing the baby and then the pressure from the hug caused the release. It's ok."
"I need to pump," Maya said, "And change my shirt."
"Me too," Carina said, looking down at her own light blue shirt that was also all wet.
"I got it on you too?" Maya said, horrified, "I am so so sorry Carina. That's so bad. I'm sorry."
"Bambina, it is ok," Carina said, laughing, "I used to leak milk all the time with the twins. I don't care. I do think we should probably both go change and you should pump before Nora wakes up and needs more mommy and mamma cuddles."
"I'm sorry I got you messy," Maya said, looking at her wife's shirt again as they headed up the stairs, Maya grabbing her pumping bag on the way.
"It is ok," Carina said, stopping Maya as they got to the top of the stairs, "There is no one else who's milk I would rather be covered in."
The made Maya laugh a little as Carina leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss before they headed into their bedroom. Carina quickly changed her shirt before making sure Maya had everything she needed to pump. The Italian then headed back downstairs to keep an eye on Nora and finish cooking while Maya settled into another pumping session. Once she was done, she found a shirt and bra before going back downstairs where Nora was just starting to stir on the couch.
After putting the milk in the fridge with the other bottles, she went back to the couch to sit with the toddler. She knew Nora was not one who liked to be touched when she woke up normally so she respected that boundary, sitting near her to be there just in case.
As soon as Carina finished up in the kitchen, which wasn't too long after, she went to join her wife just as Nora's eyes opened and she looked at her moms. Maya waved, knowing how Nora was when she first woke up and that the little brunette often did not like being spoken to.
"Mommy," Nora said, sitting up and crawling the short distance to Maya who immediately wrapped her in a hug while Carina rubbed her back.
It surprised both of them that Nora actually wanted cuddles after a nap, but the day had been a lot for the little girl, and there was nothing like a snuggle with Mommy and Mamma to help with that, and if that is what their oldest little girl needed today, that was exactly what she was going to get.