CHAPTER 1

ALONE

The day was growing late when Beverly Crusher arrived at her house on Caldos. Since the Enterprise was currently undergoing repairs at nearby star base 621, she had seen it as an opportunity to get away, to catch a breather and gather her despairing thoughts.

With a suitcase in one hand, she surveyed the stone exterior, and was heartened to see that the place hadn't really changed over the years. The vines which crept up a section of wall were as vibrant as ever, the wooden shutters and windowsills the same as she remembered.

There was one difference, though. A missing part as it were.

If only Nana was here.

Her face set in wistful reminiscence, Beverly walked the rest of the way in silence. With the press of a latch, the wooden door opened with a familiar creak, revealing the interior beyond.

When she first stepped inside, contrasting memories rose to the surface, making it hard to know how to feel. On the one hand, she had lived through a very intense and traumatizing chapter in this house, when Ronin, an anaphasic lifeform, had ensnared her into a disturbing and obsessive love affair. But on the flip side of the coin were all the other memories she had made here. Those heartwarming years spent with Nana…

Holding to the good rather than the bad, Beverly set her suitcase down, and closed the door behind her.

As she took in the surroundings—the fireplace, the bookcase, the wooden staircase that led to the second floor—Beverly allowed that the new caretaker had done a good job with the place. The floors and the various surfaces were free of dust, and the air wasn't stale at all. In fact, it smelled nice and clean in here. Was that a hint of cinnamon?

With unhurried steps, Beverly toured the room, smiling as fond memories unfurled one after the other. But then, as the past yielded to the complicated present, her heart twisted with a pang, and a weariness settled into her bones.

What am I going to do?

Guilt and fear. Fear and Guilt. They formed a never-ending loop these days, one that left her mired in doubt.

Worn by a day and a half spent aboard a passenger transport ship, she grabbed her suitcase again, then headed upstairs, her boots thudding as she went.

Once Beverly had entered her old bedroom, she plopped down on the bed, and drew a heavy sigh. As she sat there, wrapped in silence, her hand instinctively went to her abdomen, covering the life that now grew in her womb.

Six weeks. She was six weeks pregnant. And the father had no clue.

On one level, she knew that keeping this from Jean-Luc was wrong. But on another, she had reasons—compelling reasons—why she hadn't told him yet.

Will I? Should I?

Last night, while staring out a narrow viewport, Beverly had thought about the ever-present target on Jean-Luc's back. It was the reason she had come out here, in fear and indecision. It was the reason she could hardly breathe right now.

If it were known that we conceived a child…

As her gaze fell to her abdomen, a series of disturbing scenarios cascaded through her mind. In order to chase the terrible visions away, Beverly opted for a long, hot shower. By the time she emerged, dusk was already settling over the colony. Rain-thick clouds were rolling in, too.

Clad in a nightgown and slippers, Beverly ordered dinner from the home's replicator. By the time she had eaten, rain had already begun to fall.

"Computer, play music list 'Crusher one'."

A beep sounded, then soft 1930s music filled the room.

"I can't stop crying over you. Can't think of smiling, now I'm so sad and blue. You're always in my dreams, but honey now it seems that our love affair is through."

Adrift on the lyrics, Beverly sat by a window, and watched the water course down the glass in shiny rivulets. Feeling especially melancholic, she eventually looked past the glass, toward the sky above. Though the stars were hidden from view, she knew they were up there, sparkling in the infinite blackness of space. And among them was the man who currently occupied her heart and thoughts.

Jean-Luc…

When Beverly had applied for leave, she had been open about her destination. So, he knew where she was. He just didn't know why she was here, or what was going through her mind right now.

After all, their "on again, off again" relationship was, well… off again. But that wasn't to say that she didn't love him, or that he didn't love her. Quite the opposite was true, in fact. They loved each other intensely, were drawn to one another like moths to a flame.

But their relationship was complicated. Always had been.

He never let me in. Not fully anyway.

Jean-Luc's emotions were indeed always guarded, partly hidden behind the protective wall he'd erected around himself. And then there was his career, his love for the stars. As much as it hurt to admit, she couldn't compete with those things.

As a gust of wind buffeted the house, Beverly smoothed a hand down her stomach, and spoke as if Jean-Luc could hear. "What would you say if you knew?"

With closing eyes, she sank into the past.

"I could never risk having children," he had told her late one night, as the two lay among rumpled sheets. "What if I turned out like him? Like my father."

But is that reason enough, she wondered. Does it justify me not telling him? By itself, Beverly reasoned that it didn't. But as she sat there, her mind circled back to the most important issue. The safety of her child.

Could we find a solution to this? Could we keep our child safe?

Perhaps they could. But what if they couldn't?

The following day, after she had met with the caretaker—a man who lived a stone's throw away from here—Beverly decided to head out, to refamiliarize herself with the colony. The buildings, the trees… Little had changed over time. That being said, the colonists she knew were now a few years older, just like she was.

"Well, if it isn't Beverly Howard," one of them had said upon seeing her.

Instead of correcting the elderly man, saying that her last name was now Crusher, she smiled, and returned his greeting. "Hello Mr. Crawford. How are you this morning?"

And so the days blended into one another.

No closer to a decision, Beverly had walked by the local park one afternoon. The sight of playing children brought a small smile to her lips, and she soon settled on a nearby bench.

As a breeze stirred her hair, Beverly remembered the times Wesley had played in this very park. Now that her son was grown up and gone, exploring various planes of existence, it seemed like ages ago.

As thoughts of her son lingered, she recalled how difficult it had been after Jack died. Being a single parent was no easy thing, but bearing witness to her son's grief had been the hardest part of all.

"Where's dad? Why isn't he coming back?"

A lump clogged her throat. She had raised one son without a father. Could she do it again? While a part of her knew that she could, Beverly remembered how long it had taken for Wesley to come to terms with his father's death.

If she left without telling Jean-Luc of her pregnancy, what kind of questions would her unborn child ask in the years to come?

"How come I don't have a daddy? Where is he? Doesn't he love me?"

Her heart cracked just then. And her vision swam with tears. It was time to get out of there.

As the park fell away behind her, Beverly wound an aimless path through the village. Without really planning to, she soon found herself at the cemetery, before her grandmother's grave.

"What would you do?"

Met by the silence of a headstone, Beverly thought of Nana, and imagined what her response might have been. "Could you really do it, Beverly? Could you really deny that man the opportunity to know his own child?"

An hour later, after she'd returned home, and had a good cry in front of the fireplace, Beverly wiped her tear-stained face, and came to a realization. "What am I doing?"

Why am I out here, by myself?

She was confused. She was terrified. She was alone when she didn't have to be.

As fearful as she was, Beverly still knew right from wrong. If she ran without telling Jean-Luc, it'd be downright unforgiveable. No, she decided. She couldn't do such a thing. She couldn't keep this secret from Jean-Luc. It wasn't fair to him or her unborn child.

Before her protective side could protest, she reached for the PADD in her suitcase. Am I really doing this? Will my child be safe if I go through with it?

So many uncertainties. So many risks.

But Jean-Luc and I can face them together. As parents, we should face them together. There must be a way, she reasoned, then pressed the screen, and recorded the visual message.

"Hello, Jean-Luc…" As she stared at the screen, she licked her lips, and gathered what was left of her courage. "You must be wondering why I'm sending this message…"

Seconds passed. Then, "What I need to say to you… it shouldn't be said over subspace."

Her heart was beating a mile a minute. Before she could change her mind, Beverly braced herself. "Since you're docked at star base six-two-one, I was wondering if you could… if you could take some time off, and come see me?" Her voice sounded small, the words showing hints of fracture. "I'll uh… I'll await your answer."

As fresh tears threatened to spill, Beverly abruptly ended the message. With a quivering breath, she pressed 'send' before she could talk herself out of it.

There. It was done.

Now all she could do was wait.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard was working in his ready-room, going over reports, when his computer chimed with an incoming message. When he saw who it was from, his curiosity surfaced, and concern knitted his brows.

Beverly had left on shore leave a few days ago, and should now be on Caldos, where she planned to spend the next two weeks. Why the sudden message?

Eager to find out, Jean-Luc pressed the screen, and was immediately struck by Beverly's demeanor. She looked tired, exhausted. She was also fidgeting.

"Hello, Jean-Luc." Her smile was fleeting, and didn't quite reach her eyes. "You must be wondering why I'm sending this message."

A stone settled in his gut. Something was clearly going on, and it couldn't be good.

"What I need to say to you… it shouldn't be said over subspace," she continued. "Since you're docked at star base six-two-one, I was wondering if you could… if you could take some time off, and come see me?" Though she was clearly trying to hide it, there was a definite vulnerability in her features, in her tone. "I'll uh… I'll await your answer."

And just like that, the cryptic message was over.

"What in the world is going on?" Jean-Luc whispered as a growing sense of dread filled his being. Unwilling to wait, he tried to raise her over subspace. In real time. Not some pre-recorded message.

At first, she didn't answer. But just as he was about to give up, the Starfleet insignia on the screen vanished, and was replaced by the image of his CMO.

"Hello, Jean-Luc," she greeted quietly while he sat forward in his chair.

"Beverly, I received your message. Is everything alright?"

She lowered her gaze for a long moment. He couldn't help but wonder why.

"Not exactly, but I can't talk about it over subspace."

"You cannot or you will not?" he countered, needing to know.

Beverly heaved a sigh. "It's the latter."

His puzzlement only deepened.

"Well, did anything happen? Are you alright?"

"I need to talk to you, but not like this," was her maddening answer. "I know this is last minute, but do you think you could manage it? Can you make it to Caldos? I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."

Reflexively, Jean-Luc thought about his responsibilities, the work he needed to catch up on. But as busy as he was, she'd frightened him enough for him to swallow and say, "I'll be there, Beverly. I'll contact Starfleet immediately to let them know."

Something akin to relief washed over her features. Then her mouth curved in a small, grateful smile. "Thank you, Jean-Luc. I'll see you soon."

Caldos was a visually striking world, a green and blue sphere overlaid with swirling clouds.

As Jean-Luc guided his shuttle toward the surface, he recalled his first and only visit to the colony. That whole affair with Ronin had been frightening, and he shuddered to think of the mental and physical grip he'd had on Beverly. But Ronin was gone now. Dead. Whatever was going on with Beverly should have nothing to do with the anaphasic life form.

What was it, though? What was so important she insisted on seeing him in person? Surely, she wasn't ill. Was she?

With his fretful thoughts running amok, Jean-Luc opened a channel to secure landing permission from the colony's security agency. Once that was accomplished, he plotted a course for her village, where he set down within view of her house.

As the shuttle door opened with a hiss, Jean-Luc exited the craft without delay. He had barely taken three steps when a familiar figure appeared in the distance.

Clad in a white sweater and tan pants, Beverly was standing in front of her home, the door partly open behind her. While he was still too far to decipher her expression, Jean-Luc saw her hand rise. As the wind swept her hair to one side, she waved.

When he finally reached her, no words were spoken. Instead, Beverly simply threw her arms around him, and held on.

Concerned, Jean-Luc returned her embrace, and said, "Beverly?"

She eased away from him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, seeing the worry—no, the fear—on her face.

"Let's go inside."

They did.