Two notes to start, firstly: this has not been past my beta. Secondly: I am planning on finishing this story. No matter how long it takes me. A massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and review this story. You guys are the reason I'm still writing this.
It was the pain that woke her this time. It started as a dull ache and she tried to move to shift to a more comfortable position. But she couldn't move enough to reposition herself. Reluctantly she let the pain bring her up to the surface of consciousness.
Kathryn Janeway gradually opened her eyes; the first thing she noticed was that the Sickbay lights had been dimmed. The shadows in the room were no longer huddled under biobeds but had stretched out to fill the walls.
The second thing that she noticed was that there was something watching her. Kathryn had woken to see the ceiling above her, from where a face was looking down at her. She gasped in fright as she saw her observer her move. She continued to gaze up, watching the figure above her as intently as they were looking back at her.
The image was a little blurry; her eyes did not want to focus properly. She squinted up at the ceiling, trying hard to make out the features that she could see. The face, or at least the half she could see, had a structure much like that of a human. The skin did not appear smooth like a human's, but to warped or scaled, like a cross between the angry red skin of a Kazon and the half-molten face of a Vidiian.
Blinking again, she saw the face above her blink in unison.
Oh, God. It's me.
Kathryn wished for nothing more than the ability to look away, to be able to see anything but the reflection of her own scarred face looking down on her. But she couldn't. Her gaze was riveted to this face that was both hers and not hers simultaneously—familiar but foreign.
Please don't let this be real.
Kathryn shut her eyes and focused as hard as she could on waking up. When she didn't jerk awake she grew more and more convinced of the truth: this was reality. Even with her eyes shut she couldn't escape the image. It swam behind her eyelids, the grotesque distortion of her own features covered in half-healed flesh. Her imagination took over, altering and exaggerating the recent memory until what she saw was too vile to contemplate.
Her eyes flew open again, and she stared her own reflection.
Kathryn's breath caught in her throat as she took in the sight above her. The woman looking back at her was without hair which, all things considered, was probably the least remarkable about her appearance. In the past she had always been angry at her unruly hair, furious each time it seemed determined to undermine her efforts with an almost calculated precision. Now she wondered if it would be possible for her to regrow hair follicles.
She searched desperately for some resemblance of her former self, something that she could recognize as belonging to the face that she had known. She did not find it in her lips; in some places it was hard to identify where exactly the boundary between lip and surrounding skin was. She could see some similarities to her old reflection in her nose and her jawline, the two features that the scars did not overwhelm. But that was all she could recognize.
While the change to her skin made the features she knew so hard to find, the most striking was on the side of her face. A section of dark metal framed her right cheekbone and continued up the outside of her face towards her browbone. It was slightly wider at either end and thinner in the middle. This is one of the implants the Doctor couldn't remove.
Kathryn took in its shape, its convex curves almost meeting in the middle. Gradually and carefully, mindful of any pain, she raised her right hand to trace along its surface. The metal was smooth, the small divets and ridges at its base and top a curious contrast to the implant's unnaturally smooth edges. Her fingertips brushed the tender skin to its side and she felt a deep ache in her chest that had nothing to do with her injuries. This is where Seven's fingers had traced.
Kathryn sighed and blinked back the sudden sting of tears. The ache deepened so painfully that she was amazed no alarms or monitors were triggered. This pain was too much to bear; in the darkness of Sickbay she let out a muffled sob against her scarred hand.
Closing her eyes again, Kathryn instinctively reached for her Starfleet training. She took in the sensation of her eyes scrunched closed, of her hand pressed against her mouth, and searched in the darkness for familiar noises to ground herself with. Closest to her was the sound of her breathing and the brush of skin on fabric as the sheet over her shifted with each breath in and out. She tried to slow her breathing, to calm it despite the overwhelming panic that rose up. Desperately she tried to listen for the other sounds of Sickbay. There was the low hum of the biobeds and the buzz of the light in the Doctor's office. There was a low rumble too, similar to power coils that made up the central network of the ship. Usually she could only hear them when in the Jeffries' tubes or in Engineering. She tried to work out if anything else in Sickbay could be the source of the noise, but nothing came to mind. Kathryn new the schematic of the ship like the back of her hand.
I can't believe I can hear them from here.
Gradually, she felt her breathing slow again. There were other noises that she could notice now. Ones whose pattern was far more varied. She could hear others' breathing. There was more than one person in th room with her and Kathryn tried to reach out and single out each rhythm.
One was a musical snore. Kathryn recalled Tom teasing B'Elanna for snoring whenever she slept on her back.
Another one was deep and measured, never wavering in pitch. Tuvok.
But there was another, a quieter one that Kathryn could not place. It came from her left, the breathing deep and steady. The tone of this person's breathing was lighter, softer.
Eyes still closed, she tried to place the soft breathing. It was familiar, but Kathryn couldn't think of a time it had been so…peaceful.
She opened her eyes and slowly turned her head to see Seven lying on the nearest biobed. She felt her chest tighten again and the deep ache recede. She's still here.
Kathryn recalled how weary the blonde had looked when she had last been awake. Concern had been etched into every one of her features and her lips had been pale. Now they were slightly parted in sleep, and back to their usual rosy hue.
I wonder how often she sleeps. I should ask her when we next have one of our chats. Kathryn sighed and took a deep, steadying breath. If she still wants to spend time with me now that I will remind her of the Borg.
Kathryn thought back to the early days of having Seven on board. All the things she had needed to learn after her time in the collective. Yes, there had been many social challenges for the young woman which Seven had taken in her stride with an understandable level of skepticism. Always questioning, but rarely refusing.
But she had never been without her humanity. The way she had seen Seven interact with Axum in Unimatrix Zero made that clear. Her casual clothes, the lack of implants, the loose way she wore her hair. What if all this time she's been learning how to be human the way I want it? And not the way she actually is?
Kathryn swallowed at the idea she had been hindering Seven's growth all this time rather than aiding it. I don't want her to think she needed to hide herself from me.
Another thought came unbidden, this one running down her spine with icy dread and settling in her stomach. What if Axum can give her the humanity that we—that I—can't?
The pain in her side drew her attention back to the here and now and she winced. Immediately, Seven's eyes shot open and she swung her legs off the biobed.
"Kathryn?" She came closer and the older woman's heart ached at seeing the fear in her eyes.
"Hello, Seven." Her voice was dry from disuse and dehydration.
Seemingly reading her mind Seven poured a small cup of water and set it down beside Kathryn.
"Are you in need of water?" the younger woman asked, her voice gentle.
"Yes please," croaked Kathryn. "Can you help me sit up?"
Seven nodded and slid her left arm under her captain's back. Kathryn marveled at how carefully the ex-drone maneuverer her to a partially sitting position. She had expected it to be awkward, or at the least cause discomfort but with Seven bearing the weight of her torso it was neither. With her right hand Seven brought the cup to the captain's mouth.
Kathryn drank slowly, not wanting to splutter on the water. It was deliciously cool on her dry throat and she finished the cup. "Thank you, Seven. I am sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"Do not concern yourself." Is she telling me not to worry? "I have stayed to help with your care while Lieutenant Paris rests and the Doctor is running further tests to heal Lieutenant Commander Tuvok."
"Tuvok? Is he okay?" Even more dread settled in the captain's stomach.
"He will recover." Seven set the cup down. "Because the neural suppressant failed to keep his mind separate from the collective it is likely he will require additional counselling to reassert his individuality. But the Doctor is confident that he will make a full recovery."
Seven moved to sit behind Kathryn; as the younger woman leant back she felt the fabric of Seven's biosuit against her back. Suddenly embarrassed by her state of undress she looked down her body to see how much was covered by the sheet. Thank God it goes to my ankles.
"Besides," continued Seven, "There will be an entire crew ready to support Lieutenant Commander Tuvok to integrate back into his life on Voyager."
"What about B'Elanna? How is she?" Kathryn anxiously glanced in the direction from where the snoring she could hear was coming.
"Lieutenant Torres is recovering well. The Doctor has removed 85% of her Borg implants and is planning on removing the remaining 15% in the coming days."
Kathryn let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. When she did speak again she tried to keep her voice from shaking "Do we know yet what my implants will mean?"
Seven carefully covered her right hand with her own. The feeling of skin on skin was soothing and Kathryn focused on that instead of the knot tightening again in her stomach.
"Partly, yes." Kathryn felt Seven swallow against the back of her head. "Currently you have 41% of your Borg additions. The Doctor believes that more of these can be removed, but it is unclear how soon this will be feasible. As mine needed to when I was severed from the collective your human systems need to reassert themselves before any further implants can be removed. And there is the added consideration of your regeneration ports."
"How so?" Kathryn listened to the sounds from Seven. Her slow breathing, the humming of her voice in her chest, and the steady rhythms of her heart.
"If any of your Borg implants are deemed…" Seven hesitated and Kathryn wished she could see the younger woman's face, "necessary for your survival they will need to be maintained by regeneration. This is only possible via the regeneration ports that all drones have along their lumbar region. Thankfully the ports are not large or obtrusive and can be covered by clothing due to their position."
Seven's left arm stayed at her back but Kathryn felt Seven move from behind her and come to crouch at her side again.
"I am researching all the options we have for your recovery, Captain." Seven's sharp blue eyes were as steady and reassuring as her heartbeat had been at Kathryn's back. "I will not let you fly into this 'blind'."
I wish you would call me 'Kathryn' again. I don't feel very much like a captain right now. "Thank you, Seven. Your support means," her voice wavered and she swallowed, "a lot to me in this."
"I wish to help you where possible." The younger woman's voice was determined. She looked the captain over carefully. "Are you currently in pain?"
"A little in my side."
"I shall fetch pain relief," said Seven, gradually lowering Kathryn back onto the cool biobed. As she moved to leave the smaller woman caught her left hand.
"Honestly, Seven, I can't imagine a better person to help me through this."
Seven's gaze softened and Kathryn thought she saw the younger woman blush. But in the low lighting of Sickbay she couldn't be sure.
Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you thought :)