A/N: So this one is just bonkers. I cranked it out in one single sitting, having just a bit too much fun with it. What would happen if Jack and Vala got sucked into an alternate reality? Just imagine the absolute confusion that would cause. Only implied ships. Enjoy!
"Good morning, sunshine," Jack muttered sarcastically. He was seated at Vala's bedside in the infirmary.
She squinted at the flourescent lights invading her eyes. The steady hum of a heart monitor sounded off in the background. Raising a hand to her head, Vala muttered, "Jack. What happened?" She attempted to sit up.
The General reached out to help her. When Vala looked down, she had been changed into a hospital gown and neatly tucked into the hospital sheets.
Before he could answer her question, two people pulled back the curtain to look in on her. Vala blinked. One of them was Daniel, which was unsurprising. However, the other one was Jack. She turned her head towards the first one and squinted her eyes further.
"Does Sam know there are two of you?" she wondered.
The second Jack donned a confused look. "Sam?" He glanced questioningly toward his doppelganger. "As in?"
"Samantha Carter," Vala clarified. She stared at the second Jack with suspicion, gauging his reaction carefully. "Could twist a man around her pinky finger without breaking a sweat…" She glanced between both Jacks.
The one at her side smirked. The one before her at the curtain raised an eyebrow. Vala had her answer. She grabbed at the uniform jacket of the Jack next to her, neverminding that it was labeled General in clear lettering. "What's going on?"
"We're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy."
Vala glanced at Daniel, who seemed somewhat confused as well. "What's the last thing you remember saying to me?" she asked, pointing a finger at him.
"Nothing. Because we've never met."
She huffed. Addressing the General next to her, "So, I take it you're my Jack and we're not where we belong?"
He patted her hair affectionately. "Ding ding. You got it right. That's why you're a keeper, Space Princess."
The other Jack and Daniel blinked at their interaction.
"So," Daniel started, "We understand your name is Vala." She nodded affirmatively. "Vala… Jackson?"
She instantly grinned between her Jack and Daniel. "Well, that is a nice suggestion…"
"Your jacket was labeled Jackson when you came in," the other Jack clarified.
"It was?" The man next to her produced the uniform top in question, rolling his eyes at her. "Oh!" She chuckled. "I borrowed that jacket." She smoothed out the covers over her legs primly.
"Stole," Jack corrected.
"Borrowed," Vala insisted.
"Pilfered," he tried again.
"Jack."
"Vala."
"Tell me why Sam has an O'Neill jacket in her locker."
"Nevermind."
"Okaaaay," Daniel interrupted, "can we talk about how you two got here?" He glanced at the Jack next to him strangely.
"Yes," the second Jack continued, "let's." He seemed somewhat intrigued but still very confused.
"Well, how did we get here?" Vala asked of her Jack.
"The hell I know," he muttered.
Vala sighed. "I don't really remember anything."
"We were chatting in the SGC. You pushed me. Then we were here. And you were out like a lightbulb."
Vala stared at him thoughtfully. "What were we talking about?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing nothing? Or nothing nothing?"
Hesistantly, he answered, "The second one."
"What in the hell…" the second Jack muttered.
"And did this conversation conclude anything useful?"
Daniel scrunched up his face. How could a coversation about nothing be useful?
"It almost did," her Jack responded, "until you pushed me."
"Why did I push you?"
"You tell me."
"I can't. I don't really remember."
"Can you remember what we were talking about?"
"Sure. It was nothing."
"What the hell are you two going on about?" the second Jack demanded.
They both turned to him and said simultaneously, "Nothing."
000
Daniel and his Jack stepped away from the infirmary curtain.
"Why do I feel more confused than enlightened right now?" Daniel mumbled.
"Ditto."
"It's as if they're talking in some other language. I hear the words but I don't know what they're saying."
"And you call yourself a linguist."
"Jack."
"Daniel, clearly, they know each other well. Almost too well. Were they… flirting?"
"Oh ho, not going there."
"Meanwhile she had on your jacket."
"Not my jacket. Simply a jacket that happened to have the same name stitched on it as mine."
"Stands to reason she knows someone who looks exactly like you."
"Perhaps."
"If they were flirting… I guess I don't blame him."
"What?"
"She's hot."
"Jack."
"Daniel," he said with emphasis.
The linguist sighed. "Yeah, okay, she is."
"I remember something now," Vala declared in the briefing room later with the same group of people. She was back in the uniform she originally appeared in.
"Oh?"
"I saw a rather large Jaffa aiming a zat at us."
"What?" her Jack exclaimed. "Why would Teal'c…"
She laid a hand atop his. "Not Teal'c. A different rather-large-Jaffa."
"In the SGC?"
"No," she said slowly. "That was the strange bit. He didn't look like he was in the SGC with us. It was… hazy… as if behind him I could see forest and trees, but…"
"Well, you were unconscious when you two appeared," Daniel supplied. "Did a zat blast hit you?"
"Yes, perhaps it did." She turned to address her Jack. "That's why I pushed you," she concluded. "To keep you from getting zatted."
Jack brought a hand to his heart in an overly dramatic gesture. "My hero."
Vala pinched his cheek. "I know. I expect a substantial reward from your government when we get back. Saving a General has to mean something."
"Maybe Sam can do something about that…"
A female voice joined the conversation from the doorway, "Excuse me?"
"Major," the other Jack greeted.
"Sir," she said as she stepped into the room with a paper report in hand.
Both Vala and her Jack looked at her in surprise. "Major?"
She blinked. "Yes?"
They shared a look with each other. "Definitely not Kansas," Vala muttered.
"Nope."
"Major Carter," the other Jack said, "Got anything?"
"Yes, sir. It would seem that the area of the SGC where these two appeared is experiencing a spatial rupture."
"A what?" both Jacks asked at the same time. They glanced at each other.
Sam went into an overly complex explanation about an anomoly that was affecting the natural barrier between realities. By the time it was over, Daniel was letting out a breath, the two Jacks remained befuddled, and Vala was nodding in complete understanding.
"Right then," Vala decided, "We just need you to run over to wherever you hide those quantum remote thingies and use it to dial into our reality."
Sam opened her mouth slightly in surprise. "How did you know about…"
Vala winked at her. "Not my first fair."
"Rodeo," her Jack corrected.
"I've never been to one of those. It would be disingenuous of me to pretend to have been." He brought a hand to his head. She whispered over to the others, "I've been working on complete honesty, lately. Frankly, I think I've made a couple of breakthroughs."
"You're lucky my best friend loves you, Dear."
She hummed in delight. "Aww, did he tell you?" She bumped his shoulder. "And did you agree?"
Jack rolled his eyes, smirking.
She turned to the others, pointing a thumb in his direction. "He likes me," she declared, waggling her brows. Her audience tilted their heads in confusion.
Sam could not help herself. "Who's your best friend?" she asked of the Jack that was not hers.
He looked up at her now, eyes flitting toward Daniel.
All eyes turned toward the archeaologist. While processing the knowledge that his doppelganger in another reality would be close to this confounding woman before him, he also took the time to make a dig at his own Jack. "Aww Jack, I didn't know you cared." He received an icy stare in return.
The group now stood in the hallway where Vala and Jack first appeared, deep in the bowels of the alternate SGC. Sam finagled with the quantum mirror control pad that was left behind after the mirror itself had been destroyed in their reality.
"How are we going to know we'll be stepping into the right reality?" Jack wondered aloud.
"Each reality has a specific resonance. We measured yours and think we can find the matching reality using this control device."
Jack looked to Vala. "In other words, Jack," she clarified, "We shake differently than they do."
He glanced at his twin, Daniel, and Sam, "Apparently."
"Sam, not that one! Not that one!" Daniel shouted.
The hallway before them offered a hazy view of a Jaffa army in a forest, one that was suddenly noticing them back and preparing to fire with staff weapons.
She quickly hit more buttons to switch the view to a different reality. They all sighed in relief.
"Major," her CO warned.
"Almost there, sir," she said as she tapped away.
The view switched again to a benign looking hallway in an SGC. Random personnel could be seen going about their business on the other side of the spatial rupture. Soon a familiar face came into view.
"Look," Vala pointed.
Daniel leaned in, noting someone who looked almost exactly the same as him peering through the rupture.
"Jack? Vala?" His voice sounded distorted.
The pair stepped closer. "Daniel?" Jack called back. "Can you hear us?"
"Yeah, where have you guys been? We've been looking for you!"
Jack looked back at Sam. "Is this the right one?"
She nodded hesitantly. "The resonance matches."
"Better check," he told his Vala.
Vala nodded. "Daniel."
"Yeah?"
"What's the last thing you said to me?"
He glanced around him on the other side of the rupture. "Nothing that I should be repeating out loud… in public."
"Again with the talk about nothing," the other Jack complained behind them to the other Daniel.
Vala grinned saucily. In a slightly lower tone, "How many times?"
Daniel made full eye contact with her through the rupture. "Six."
Vala looked down, thinking.
"No, seven… if you count… you know." He had a satisfied smug on his face.
She glanced back up and bit her lip, smiling. She turned toward her Jack. "It's the right one."
"You sure?" He looked back and forth between the Vala before him and the Daniel on the other side.
"Oh, by the way, Vala, Teal'c is looking for you." They returned their attention to Daniel. "He said you guys had an outing planned… to the monster truck rally?"
Vala smiled and grabbed at Jack's uniform excitedly. "Is it too late?"
"No…" Daniel replied calmly, looking down at his watch, "you got time."
"Vala, you better be damn sure this is the right reality. We are not going over there just so you can hang out with Teal'c. As fun as that sounds."
"Ahh and Jack," Daniel interrupted. "Sam is also looking for you." He grinned at him wickedly. "She looks pissed."
"Fuck. That's the right reality."
Behind them, the other Jack, Daniel, and Sam scrunched their faces and tilted their heads to varying degrees.
Vala and Jack turned toward them. "Well, that's all folks," Jack said.
"Thank you!" Vala said, waving goodbye enthusiastically. She grabbed Jack's hand and pulled him through the rupture toward their Daniel.
The group that was left behind observed as the other Daniel fingered Vala's jacket and complained, "Hey, I was looking for this."
Sam hit more buttons on the quantum control pad to close the rupture.
Jack muttered, "Other realities are weird."
"You're telling me," Daniel responded.
"I liked her," Sam commented. "Where can we can get one for our side?"
The two men exchanged glances as Sam simply walked away.
A/N: Feel free to review and let me know what you thought. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.