"One, two, one two three! Three little Piplups, yes, yes, whee!"
The otherwise-dark living room was bathed in the bright, stinging light of the television. CGI-rendered Pokémon danced with CGI-rendered children on the large, colorful screen, their movements basic and easy for young eyes to follow. The music was just barely audible, the volume turned down just a few notches above zero, but the constant reuse of the same three melodies made the volume almost unnecessary at this point.
On the other side of the room, a twenty-something man was sunken into his couch, motionless as the sights and sounds of the television washed over him. His sore eyes stung, his occasional blinks bringing no relief, as the artificial light assaulted him like a tiny sun. His mind was empty, the inane melodies echoing through his head, replacing all thought that wasn't pain or regret. He had no idea that it was currently 3:34 in the morning; time, like many things, had lost all meaning. His world had turned into an eternal, technicolor hell that he wasn't sure would ever come to an end. Every moment he was still awake felt like an insulting, personal punishment. He was fairly certain he could feel his soul attempting to leave his body.
The baby girl lying on his lap, however, had stopped crying. Right now, that was the only thing in the world that mattered. He would endure this pain for the rest of time, if it meant he didn't need to hear her wails for another moment.
Father and daughter sat together, both of them mindlessly watching the colorful program on the television. Neither of them reacted to the sound of soft footsteps from down the hall, or the emergence of a young, robed, honey-blonde woman in the doorway.
"Ash?" the woman spoke, surprised. Her voice was soft and gentle, as if she were trying not to wake someone, even though everyone in the house was clearly awake.
"Hey, Serena," the man responded. His voice was raspy, drained, devoid of energy.
"You're still awake?"
"Maybe?" he answered, unmoving. "Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I'm in hell."
"What are you watching?" Serena stepped further into the room, squinting as she looked into the bright light of the television. She vaguely recognized the animation style, realizing what program they were watching. "Is this Pokémelon?"
"This is the dumbest crap," Ash replied, echoing a sentiment he'd said to himself and his daughter numerous times already.
"Ash, we said we wouldn't use TV to raise Gracie, remember?"
"Yeah, I know." He sighed and sank further into the couch. "But after two hours of nonstop crying, I just… I was ready to do anything to calm her down."
Serena had more chastising words prepared, but she bit them off as she saw the look in her husband's eyes. There was desperation in them, resignation, disappointment in himself. He didn't need anyone else to make him feel worse. She held back a sigh as she shuffled over to the couch, sitting down next to Ash. Her eyes drifted down to her daughter, resting in his lap. Her large, blue eyes were glued to the television screen, twitching and shifting as they followed the CGI Piplups across the screen. The skin around her eyes was red and puffy, a sign of the hours of fussing and whining that had come before.
"How long did it take her to stop crying?" she asked.
"Pretty much instantly." He followed his wife's gaze, glancing down at the baby on his lap. "As soon as the show started, she went quiet. It was kind of eerie."
Serena grimaced. "I hate to think what this is doing to her brain."
"One night of TV isn't going to screw her up."
Her eyes flicked upward toward him. "Is it going to be just one night, though?"
He sighed. "Look, I don't know." He closed his eyes for a few moments, long enough to feel some relief from the stinging pain. "Tonight's all I can think about right now, honestly."
"I know, hon." She reached out and gently rubbed his shoulder. "I'm not mad, I promise."
"I believe you." Her touch was soothing beyond words, and he found himself already starting to drift toward sleep. "What do you do when she can't sleep and it's your night with her?"
"Feed her, usually," Serena answered immediately. "Check her diaper, then walk with her… sing with her… sit and hold her against me… something will eventually work after a little bit. I don't think I've seen her up longer than 45 minutes."
"I tried all of that," Ash spoke, far too tired to hide the irritation in his voice. "I did everything you did, and she was still crying after two hours. What am I doing wrong?"
"It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong," she reassured him. "It might just…" She paused, thinking over her next words carefully. "There's just… nuance. Babies are really particular. It just takes practice."
His head flopped over in her direction. "Don't we have the same amount of practice?"
She smiled gently at him. "I've had to take care of babies a few times before Gracie. I've picked a few of these things up. You will, too."
He nodded quietly, turning his head back to the television. The two of them watched in silence for a few moments, as Ash's arms slowly curled more tightly around his daughter.
"I screwed this up, didn't I?" he eventually spoke up. "I took the easy way out."
Serena slid her fingers into his hair. "You were trying to calm her down for two hours. I wouldn't say you took the easy way out." She gently massaged his scalp, trying to get him to relax.
"I could have stayed up longer," he countered. "I could have looked up some more answers. I could have done something else instead of turning on the TV."
"You needed a break," she replied calmly. "I'm not sure what I would have done after two hours." Ash was quiet for a moment, relishing her gentle touch, before speaking again.
"When you were pregnant with Gracie, I told myself that I was going to do everything right." His thumb ran gently up and down his daughter's arm. "I was going to give her the best of everything. I would always do my best for her. I would never take any shortcuts with her. And it only took me three months to break down."
"Ash…" Serena half-whispered. He continued on, undeterred.
"As soon as things got too hard, I gave in. I couldn't do what I promised I would do. What if it happens again? What if it gets harder and harder, and I just… can't deal? Am I just going to…" He cut himself off, closing his eyes again. His next words were barely above a whisper. "Is this how he felt? Is this why he… left us behind?"
Serena removed her fingers from his hair, sliding her arms around his shoulders and burying her face in the small valley between his neck and collar. She didn't say anything right away, which he appreciated. He tilted his head to the side, letting it rest against hers, feeling the way she slightly shifted with each breath. They stayed together like this for two minutes, as she felt his muscles slowly relaxing. They hadn't been terribly tense to begin with, but she could still feel the subtle shift.
"Ash, honey, you aren't him," she began. "You aren't your father, I promise. You aren't going to leave when things get hard."
"How do you know?" he countered, his voice weak.
"Because I know you," she answered without missing a beat. "I've seen how you react to adversity. You always rise to the challenge. You always give it everything you have. You might fall sometimes, but you always get back up."
She sat up and leaned in, leaving a gentle kiss on the top of his ear. "But more than anything else, I know that you never, ever abandon someone in need. You stop at nothing to help someone who needs you. It's one of your greatest, most attractive qualities. And right now, your daughter needs you." Her smile grew wider. "And so does your wife."
Ash let out a soft sigh, though this one sounded less disappointed than the last. "I really hope you're right."
"I am." She grinned teasingly. "When am I ever wrong?"
He grinned back, for the first time that night. "You're never wrong. You're the most brilliant woman on the planet."
"That's right." She rested her head on his shoulder, facing the television. "And you're going to be the greatest father on the planet. I can feel it."
Ash took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, as if he were taking the warmth of her words into his chest, making them a part of himself. His left arm snaked out and wrapped around Serena's waist, holding her close to him. The two of them sat together quietly for a few minutes, basking in each other's loving embrace as they kept their eyes on the television.
"This might be the worst thing I've ever seen," Serena eventually spoke up.
"I told you," Ash answered.
"Do they really just have the one song? It feels like they have one song."
"There's like three actual songs," he explained. "And they just change out the lyrics over and over."
"Ugh." She pulled herself closer to him. "Poor Gracie."
He nodded in agreement, and the two of them continued watching, waiting impatiently for their daughter to finally fall asleep so they could return to bed.