[Persona 5 x Shrek]
in
THE MEMENTOS
MYSTERY
[We start the story off in Tokyo, as we see a transfer student show up on the train]
"Ayo wtf?"- Said the transfer student
"Am I trippin' or what?" -he continued
"This goddamn Japan or what?" -he said
He now got off the train.
"Yo why's it so hoooot?" -he said after taking off his hood, to reveal none other than a medieval knight.
"Maybe it was supposed to be. Well, not for you, since you'll be cold and rotting in a few seconds." -said a mysterious figure in the shadows, shooting the knight with a .9mm handgun.
[Chapter 1]
We now see the Persona 5 protagonist get off the same train. He looks down and looks at a piece of paper. He says
"Oh, golly gee, seems like I have to write down my name on this piece of paper, I sure do hope I'm not named in any bad or dumb way, hehe.."
-We then see the protagonist write his name down: 'Hot Babezzz'
"Oh, I see how it is." -The protagonist responds holding the camera at gunpoint.
The name quickly changes to "Ren Amamiya", the default name set by Atlus. He says
"Holy shit this name sucks. I wanted it to sound more sexy like John Johnson…" -He walks in disappointment as he gets a text message from his colleague, Ryuji Sakamoto. The text message goes as followed:
"Yo mannnn I sur hoep u cum today. We aer so pmuped to cyee u coem bakc to Toyko"
-Amamiya wants to be held at gunpoint after seeing his man's grammar. Back in the events of "Persona 5" he met this bunch of morons he calls friends who went on these adventures to change people's hearts. They were all shitheads except one. His name was Goro Akechi. He wasn't a shithead since he was already a murderer. A sexy one at that.
But suddenly he suffered from amnesia, causing him to relive the same exact events as before, but this time with an evil school counselor, another dumass woman in the group, and gay vibes from the murderer guy. Those events were named "Persona 5, but add a cool word in the end to make it sound more fire" They went with Royal. BTW Strikers and Tactica are not canon u wussys but Dancing is canon so f off bro frfr.
[CHAPTER II]
Our protagonist now wakes up from reminiscing and runs to the coffee shop Leblanc where he was in custody all those years ago. He came to see the store has been rebranded to "Farquaad's beverage". This seemed weird enough, but behind him now stood the guy that shot the knight in the prologue. The guy took his hood and mask off to reveal a green Ogre.
"Are you with Farquaad?" - He said.
"Nah bro" – Said Renren
"Good" – Replied the Ogre
"The name's Shrek" – He replied
"Cool, mine's Joker" – Said Amamiya
"Who just wakes up and decides to name their kid Joker? – Says Shrek
"Well, Joker is the name I go by, but my real name is Ren Amamiya" – Replied the Jokester
"Well, then, Joker Mammamia. I'm sad to say it, but Tokyo has become occupied by Lord Farquaad, an evil ruler. He died in the past, but some prick found a spell to bring the dead back to life, and chose to revive him. He holds a grudge against me. Everyone living here was either imprisoned, killed, or forced to join Farquaad's army. You and I are the only ones left to rebel against him." – Shrek said with a long exposition.
"Holy shit… My phone.. It has a weird app installed suddenly" – He says as he looks at the newly acquired app.
"Is it the XXX Tube one?" – Said Shrek
"Oh, no. It's this one. It looks like a silhouette of a short guy." – Said Ren.
"That's Farquaad" – Said Shrek – "Open it" – He continued.
Joker opens the app. The app activates voice commands, and says: 'What is Lord Farquaad's only goal?'.
"Yeah, like if I know this.." – Said Ren.
"Hey, Shrek, do you have any family?" -He suddenly asked.
"Yeah, I had 3 kids… And a wife named Fiona" – Shrek said.
"F*ck, Fiona?" – Joker responded. Suddenly, the app opened up to the voice message… It seems Joker unintentionally guessed what Lord Farquaad's goal was.
[CHAPTER 3]
Upon activating the app, The duo were transported into Farquaad's metaverse. A place where you can get information on basically anything. Joker now looked at his clothes, as Shrek replied
"The hell are you looking for?"
"My outfit didn't change…" – Deducted Joker
"woah, really?!" – Said Shrek
The duo now proceeded onward. They entered a hallway with corrupted faces of citizens. Joker spotted Takemi's face in the background. Shrek saw a face resembling Tom Holland.
"Hey, Shrek, look. It's the entrance to Farquaad's mind!" – Said Joker as he looked at the big gate with a duct taped piece of paper saying 'The entrance to Farquaad's mind'. Our heroes went in.
[CHAPTER 4]
Shrek and Joker suddenly got jumped by Farquaad's minions, as Farquaad himself showed up. He said:
"Well, isn't that Shrek?"
"Shut up, goddammit…" – Said Shrek.
Suddenly, Farquaad pulled up a Magnum and shot Shrek in the head.
"Oh shit, I forgot this is Persona!" – Said Farquaad, as he realized he just shot Shrek with an Evoker from Persona 3, which doesn't make sense at all since this is Persona 5 and Shrek, and not Persona 3, but come on… Does anyone give a damn at this point?
So anyway Shrek summons his Persona,
Green Onion. He shouts:
"GREEN ONION!"
And then Joker looks and says: "WHY DOES HE HAVE A PERSONA, AND I'M NOT IN PHANTOM THIEF FORM?!"
Farquaad now laughs maniacally, as he shoots himself with the Evoker.
[CHAPTER (persona) 5]
Farquaad now summons his Persona, Hornyllious. Him and Green Onion have an epic battle. Suddenly, Farquaad banishes Joker from his mind to make this a 1v1. Joker now wakes up in the Velvet Room.
Joker looks around. The Velvet Room no longer resembles a prison.. Now it looks like a 1-1 recreation of Farquaad's Castle (Of course, Joker doesn't know that since homie never seen that castle)
Joker looks around, but there's no Attendant, nor Igor… He then suddenly transforms into his Phantom Thief form, as he hears a familiar voice
[CHAPTER VI/6/IIIIII]
Joker looks behind him to notice Goro Akechi in his Black Mask outfit.
"Akechi?" – Says Joker.
"Yes indeed. I have been brought back from the same spell used on ord Farquaad." – Akechi Replied.
"Look, I don't wanna hurt you.. Show me where the exit is." – Says Joker.
"Exactly, this is the problem.. You can exit this room with your Persona Abilities accessible in Farquaad's mind… But only when the other duelist dies" – Akechi says as he readies his blade.
"So, we're fighting, huh.." – Joker says.
"I was kinda hoping I'd get to speak with you again as coworkers" -He continues after a brief pause.
Now, a Battle enrages.
[Chapter 7, AKA The Random Battle Arc]
Joker and Crow now start fighting. Joker clashes his dagger against Akechi's sword. This is a dynamic fight scene. Akechi gets a cut on his forearm from Joker's dagger. As payoff, Joker gets his face cut. The battle rages on as the arena is slowly getting slower, due to the PUBG circle closing in. (Apparently the Velvet Rooms have those now)
Joker and Akechi suddenly start shooting at eachother, both using real bullets instead of the old airsofts.
The battle concludes with Joker stabbing Akechi in the arm, Akechi cutting Joker's stomach.
[CHAPTER 8]
Joker suddenly gets his head sliced off by Akechi. But Joker has an ace up his sleeve. He returns to the last time he said, realizes he forgot to save, redoes the whole past 7 chapters while fast-forwarding the dialogue, saves before the battle with Akechi, and redoes everything until Akechi's left at 25 HP.
Jokernow deflects Akechi's rush, and uses this opportunity to stab him in the gut. The two now hug as a last goodbye.
"You're a goddamn bastard" – Said Akechi.
"Tell this to every person you killed that cared about you equally as much… Oh wait…" – Joker says, roasting the pancake man.
"Hey, Joker.. Before I go, know thi one thing… I'll probably be back near the end of this series since you know they're gonna wanna keep me alive" – Said Crow, predicting the future of this very run.
"Akechi… Before you go.. I wanan say something… I.. I…" – Said JokeRen
"You love me?" – Said Detective Junior.
"I stole your wallet." – Replied the Jokester.
"Holy shit I knew it." – Said Akechi, just before vanishing… or rather having his guts ripped out by a mysterious force to open a bright door made from light with the Lord Farquaad logo.
[CHAPTER 9: The Finale frfr not cappin please believe me my guys frfr]
Joker opened the door and went back into the action, as we see the Persona fight between Farquaad and Shrek come to an end, as Shrek loses all his SP, and is forced to use weapon attacks.
Joker arrives running, as he notices he still has the Phantom thief attire, so what Pancake Detective-kun said was right.
Joker now screams:
"ARSÉNE!" – As his Persona is supposed to be summoned… But it isn't…
"Holy shit, I forgot this takes place after the endgame!" – Joker said, now remembering his old Persona turned into big boy with shotty at the end, and that he has a lot of DLC Personas on him rn.
Samuel.
(ignore the above)
"RAOUL!" – Joker shouts as he summons his own DLC Persona. Raoul attacks Farquaad's Persona, Hornyllious.
Joker also uses a spare revive item he had to revive Shrek, and gives him 5 Mazionga stones.
You'd think the battle ends right here. And it does, the 2 beat the living hell outta Farquaad. Farquaad lays there, as he decides to free all prisoners to not get killed by an Ogre and a Halloween kid that for once DIDN'T go as Spider-Man.
Farquaad now frees everyone, as he lays there beaten. Suddenly, Joker sees all his pals behind the big doorway that apparently has people coming out of Farquaad's mind control… Though the Phantom Thieves get into their metaverse outfits upon coming out.
Joker and the PT have a talk, but I'm lazy, so instead of going off of what they talked about, I'll tell you what Joker remembered from everyone:
Makoto (The Persona 5 one): *Sassy Shit*
Haru: *Shit that you forget just 2 seconds in, just like her character arc*
Futaba: *cringe shit and dumb gaming references*
Ryuji: owidwioueywoqi RAAAMEEEN ourwipeirqoy
Ann: Hehe
Yusuke: *Insert random painting reference* Good Lobsters.
Sumire (AKA that one weird girl from Royal that committed family murder): SEEEEEENPAAAAAAAAI!
Morgana:
Wait… Why didn't Morgana say anything…?
It suddenly struck our old pal RenRen…
Morgana arrived with him on the train… He was in his bag… And he left his bag before Leblanc's doors…
Ann now asked:
"Where's Mona?"
"Ah, you know… Just casually… suffocating…" – Replied Joker.
"From now on he'll be replaced by a new teammate. Meet Shrek. – Said Joker as he points at Shrek.
"No, not Shrek. I've made my codename up. How about Autistic Killer 47?" – Said Shrek.
"That sounds like a buffoon's gamertag" – Said Futaba.
"Shut up Futaba!" – Said Joker – "From now on, Shrek is called AK-47.. Or even better… Autistic Kelly." – Said Joker.
"It was KILLER! AND 47!" – Said Shrek.
"No, Autistic Kelly means that you are like.. Handsome, you know?" – Replied Joker.
"I'd rather go by Retarded Raymond." – Said Shrek.
"Yeah, exactly! And to shorten it up, you'll go by Double Hard R!" - Said Joker. All the Phantom Thieves were disappointed in Joker. Except Ryuji whose low level brain cells thought this is a cool sounding name. The PT are now ready to head out, but suddenly, Farquaad's defeated body catches a glimpse of something. He sees Ann's Phantom Thief outfit..
"Look at those melons.." – Said Faqruaad – "I don't need no Fiona no more.." – He continued, as he locked the main gate to his mind before the Phantoms could leave.
[CHAPTER 9.5, YES INDEED, I HAVE TRICKED YOU MUAHAHAHAHA]
The Phantom Thieves now stand there, as Farquaad unlocks his ultimate Persona,
known only as: 'The Boner' It's the size of the whole castle, thus destroys it, which means… OUTDOORS BATTLE!
Farquaad then grabs Ann, and starts playing with her, and undressing her.
The P gang try every attack, but Farquaad has no weakness…
After a while, Farquaad gets bored with Ann, and throws her back into the party with 1 HP and SP left. He now takes Makoto.
"I have a plan." – Said Joker.
"What is it?" – said Oracle, Noir, Violet, The Unconscious Panther, Fox, Skull and Double Hard R.
"He's focusing on the girls… Double Hard R… You were the only one that could stand up to him. You have to unlock your ultimate Persona… Go for a shit, but last second translate all that energy into your brain. I'll go as bai—"
Joker said his master plan, but suddenly Farquaad started picking off the girls 1 by 1, the PT didn't attack, instead waiting for Shrek's ultimate Persona to fire up. After Farquaad's done with every girl and Ryuji, as he thought by his bitchy whining he was also a woman, Joker goes into hiding, and does Cross-Dressing. He comes back with a wig, and his pants off, being replaced by a piece of fabric that kinda laid there, and he tied it around his private area to look like a skirt.
"Do it SHREEEK!" – He says after he's brung towards Farquaad with his Persona's arm.
Farquaad now starts undressing Joker slowly, as he suddenly notices no melons.
"Lame." – Said Farquaad, as he now removed Joker's fabric to reveal male underwear.
Farquaad now readies his Evoker, and shoots it at Joker, but Joker directs the shot towards Shrek. But suddenly, as it hits, Shrek can't help but let out the dry onion fart.
[CHAPTER X]
Shrek now awakens his ultimate Persona, a giant fart cloud called: 'Cornelious'
Cornelious and The Boner now fight fiercely, as Joker is let go by Farquaad, as he returns to his basic clothes. We see this giant Persona battle play out, but suddenly… We see Shrek lose all his HP, due to using mostly physical attacks…
"We are doomed." – Said Joker.
All the Thieves are now finished off by The Boner, with Joker being the last one standing. Suddenly, out of nowhere, A portal opens with Akechi with devil horns jumping out, killing Farquaad with one blow, taking his Persona with him.
"I told you I'd come back" – Said Akechi.
"I knew it" – Said Joker.
"I found him in the afterlife…" – Akechi said after tossing Morgana with a halo above his head to Joker. Joker instead of catching him, kicks him away, so that he lands on a brick wall.
"Hey, Joker… You know what day it is today?" – Asked Akechi.
"Zest Fest." – Said Joker after the duo kiss passionately.
[THE EPILOGUE]
We start the epilogue 2 hours later. Farquaad had been diagnosed with lung cancer and died on the spot after being defeated, Morgana had married Ann using his Halo as a ring, and as we all know using your halo as a proposal ring makes you alive again. Ryuji, Makoto, Futaba and Yusuke were eating some junk food, Haru was crying in a corner just like everyday, when she is forgotten, And Joker, Akechi and Sumire were dry-humping eachother.
Suddenly, Shrek went into Leblanc, and said: "I'm leaving. Farquaad has been dealt with, but I have to go back to my home, well, I live in the Swamp, but really I gotta go to FarFarAway. The guy that resurrected Farquaad is still somewhere there.
"I'm coming with you" – Said Joker, as he and the Undead Akechi stopped the unusual activity they were doing with a minor, and sat on horseback behind Shrek.
The final shot is them galloping towards the sunset.
THE ENDDDDDD
(Don't worry, even after finishing this read, you're still the same,mainly.. You still get no bitches.)