Chapter 32 - A Sirius Mistake

Sirius had never felt as afraid or as shaken as he did right now.

He couldn't understand it. Why had James shouted at him like that? Couldn't he see? How could he not understand?

Sirius had thought James was his brother. He would do anything for him. He would understand him. But the rage in his eyes as he'd looked at him had been quite possibly the most frightening thing Sirius had ever seen.

McGonagall, who had been on her way to visit the headmaster herself, led them up the stone spiral staircase to his office.

She looked very grave, but not as grave as Dumbledore, to whom James explained exactly what had happened.

Sirius looked at Snape as James spoke. The other boy was both flushed and pale at the same time. He was watching Dumbledore with a hungry, eager look in his eyes, surely waiting for the man to tell him that James was right. That Sirius was wrong. That he'd been wrong…

But he hadn't been. He wasn't. That couldn't happen.

Dumbledore turned his blue eyes on Sirius and he felt, as he imagined James sometimes did with Lily, like a deer in headlights.

"Black." Dumbledore said, and Sirius hated the cold disappointment in the man's voice. "Do you have anything you wish to say for yourself, or is Mr Potter's reflections of the evening an accurate summary?"

Sirius stared at him. "He…" he looked at Snape. "He was sneaking around."

Even as he said it, he could hear how pathetic the words were.

"He was sneaking around." Dumbledore repeated, and as Sirius' anger faded, it seemed that Dumbledore's grew. "A reason to kill him, would you say?"

"I didn't try and kill him!" Sirius cried. He hadn't. He hadn't wanted that.

"Black, you told Snape how to get to Remus when he was transformed. You are highly intelligent and I do not for one second believe you could not have realised what a consequence of that action might have been."

Sirius stared at him. He hadn't tried to kill Snape. He hadn't. But he couldn't speak. He just shook his head.

"You did not believe it?" Dumbledore said, his voice hard. "Look at me please."

Sirius looked up. But he looked quickly down again. He couldn't bear it. It was too much.

"For what it's worth, Professor, I don't think Black was trying to kill Snape." James said from beside him. Sirius shrunk in on himself even more. He'd never heard James call him 'Black' like that to anyone else before.

Dumbledore looked at James now. "What do you believe happened, Mr Potter? I know you boys' animosity is nothing new." He said, looking between him and Snape.

"Well, he was sneaking around." James explained. "And we were all getting worried. If he discovered Moon- Remus' secret, he might have to leave Hogwarts. I suppose Sirius thought better Snape leaves than Remus. By whatever means necessary." And he shot Sirius a dark look.

"I think I've got the measure of it." Dumbledore said. "James, I'd like to thank you. Your courage tonight has been truly remarkable. It is thanks to you that Mr Snape here is still alive. I am awarding Gryffindor house one hundred points."

"WHAT?!"

It was Snape. He'd said nothing so far, clearly eager to hear what punishment Dumbledore was going to hand out to the Gryffindor boys (hopefully expulsion), but now he was staring at the headmaster in shocked horror.

"Professor Dumbledore." He said, his voice shaking slightly as he fought to keep it under control. "Sirius Black tried to murder me. And Potter and Pettigrew were in on it too. They've been hiding a werewolf for five years, and they wanted to finish me off! They hate me! He didn't save my life. He wanted me dead!"

"Mr Snape, I quite understand your position. You are angry. You have every right -"

"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!" Snape bellowed, actually getting his feet now. "You've NEVER understood! Black… Potter… years now! They wanted me dead! They're evil! And you… YOU…!"

It seemed his anger went beyond words alone. He cast around the room as though looking for something to throw, but McGonagall put an arm out. "Mr Snape, that's quite enough. I know you're upset…"

"OF COURSE IM EFFING UPSET!" Snape roared. "THEY JUST TRIED TO MURDER ME AND NOW HE'S LETTING THEM GO SCOT-FREE!" He gestured at Dumbledore furiously.

"Sit down please, Mr Snape." Dumbledore said calmly and Snape, though clearly very reluctant, did so.

"I am taking this matter very seriously indeed." Dumbledore said and Sirius felt himself shrink again as the headmaster's gaze fell back on him. "But it is not Mr Potter you should be angry with. You may rest assured that I will deal with Mr Black."

"No you won't." Snape said with a snort that Sirius suspected sent bogies flying. "You'll just give him detention and expect him to do better next time. When are you going to see he'll never stop?!"

"That is a matter for myself and Mr Black." Dumbledore said firmly. "Now Mr Snape, you've had a terrible shock. I suggest you go to the hospital wing and ask Madam Pomfrey to give you a calming draught and then I want you to go straight to bed. It goes without saying that I am forbidding you from breathing a word about this to anyone. If you do, I will expel you."

"WHAT?!" Snape shrieked, furious at this latest perceived injustice.

"Mr Snape, I am being more than lenient enough letting you go unpunished for your own behaviour tonight." Dumbledore said. "I am certain you knew exactly what you would find at the end of that tunnel and it was incredibly foolish to take Mr Black at his word. You are not innocent here."

Snape stared at him but appeared too incensed to speak. "Pettigrew, Potter and Snape, please leave us. Minerva, perhaps it's best if you do too. I'd like a private word with Mr Black."

Sirius watched, feeling numb, as the others left. He had hoped James might look back at him as he left the office, but he didn't. Snape glowered at him and Peter gave him a nervous half-smile. He wondered if he'd ever see any of them again. He knew he was about to be expelled, and James would never talk to him again after what he'd done.

He looked down at Dumbledore's red carpet. His dad had a red carpet in his study too. Sirius recounted the dozens of times he'd stared at it when he'd been in trouble in there in the past, desperately waiting for it all to be over. So things could go back to 'normal'.

But Dumbledore wasn't his father and things would never go back to normal. He'd really gone and done it now. He'd thrown it all out of the window. He'd tried so hard to make a new life for himself and his rage, his anger and his hate had ruined it. He really was exactly like his parents.

"Sirius." Dumbledore said and Sirius looked up. Dumbledore was looking at him thoughtfully. No one ever looked at Sirius like that. People either assumed two things about him. He was a product of his parents (a dark wizard) or he was James Potter's best friend, and a Gryffindor. Why was Dumbledore looking at him like he was both? He'd chosen, hadn't he? At least he thought he had...

"Why did you do it?" He asked at last. The question Sirius had been dreading as he had absolutely no answer for it.

"I dunno sir." He said, eyes still on the red carpet.

"Look at me." Dumbledore said again, and he did. It was worse than before. Why was Dumbledore giving him a chance? He didn't deserve a chance. He was….

"I suppose I'm just like my family." He said at last.

And the same rage he had been feeling for weeks now overwhelmed him once more. The fierce hatred he had for all of them; his brother, the blasted Slytherin seeker who had destroyed James' first game as captain and who was friends with Snape, his parents, who had stopped him seeing his friends all summer. He was like them. He could see that now. He was just as angry. He was just as hateful.

"I guess I'm just a bad person." He said. It was the only explanation he could possibly give. How else could he explain how he felt?

"What makes you say that?" Dumbledore asked gently.

Sirius thought back. He had told. He had told Snape how to get past the willow. He had almost killed him. He had almost killed Remus. Oh God, not now. Please don't cry now…

"Because I feel like one." He choked, breaking down completely.

Dumbledore got to his feet and came to sit beside him. He offered him a tissue and sat, waiting for his waves of anguish to ease.

"You're not a bad person." Dumbledore said quietly. "You're a very good person that bad things have happened to. And, besides from your serious error of judgment tonight, you have shown a strength, resilience and goodness that few would have believed possible."

Sirius looked at him.

"You forget how unusual you are." Dumbledore said. "You were the first in your family to be sorted into Gryffindor for generations. You are not like them. You mustn't let your anger win. You must channel it elsewhere, for good. Sirius, the wizarding world might quite possibly depend on it. It is vital that you pick a side. And it is vital that you fight for what's right. Feed the 'good wolf'." He smiled at him.

Sirius, though he thought his face might break with the effort of it, smiled back. The analogy was too painful and too accurate. It was an old muggle tale: A young boy had told his father there were two wolves fighting inside him; a good one and a bad one. He had asked his father one day which wolf would win. His father had smiled, just as Dumbledore was smiling at Sirius now and said simply 'the one you feed.'

Though possibly the realisation of how close he'd been to following in his parents' destructive footsteps was the worst punishment he could have received for his actions, Dumbledore didn't exactly go easy on him either. He set him detention with every member of staff for the remainder of the term, including Filch, which Sirius was seriously not looking forward to. But at least he hadn't been expelled. Dumbledore had given him a second chance and he was going to take it. He would feed the good wolf.

He barely slept a wink that night. He took his cloak and pillow from the dormitory and headed outside. There he lay, under the beech tree, watching the moon above and listening to the anguished shrieks that came from the direction of Hogsmeade. From where Remus was tearing himself to shreds. Because Sirius had nearly fed him Snape.

He must have eventually drifted off because he woke up in the early hours to the sound of voices.

"Sirius? Is that you?"

It was Remus. He looked terrible. Supported by Madam Pomfrey, he walked over to him, pale as a ghost and covered in cuts and bruises.

"Oh Remus." Sirius said and he broke down again.

"What's the matter?" Remus asked. So he didn't know. He didn't remember… "Sirius?" He said seriously. "Did something happen last night? I had this dream…. It must have been a dream… but Snape…"

"Mr Lupin!"

It was Dumbledore. He was making his way across the grass and smiled as he reached them. "Madam Pomfrey, might I trouble you for a word with Mr Lupin? I can join you in the hospital wing, he does not need to be disturbed any more than is necessary."

Remus looked from Dumbledore to Sirius. "What's going on?"

"I will explain everything." He turned to Sirius. "Go inside, Sirius. You'll have to face him eventually." And, as Sirius continued to look anxious. "He's a good person. They all are." And he followed Remus and Madam Pomfrey into the castle.

Sirius didn't want to see James. He didn't want to see Peter. He didn't even want to see Remus, besides to check he was alright.

But he did as Dumbledore had said and entered the castle and went up to Gryffindor tower. He wondered if James would punch him. He looked like he'd have quite liked to last night.

But James, who'd been sitting in the common room with Peter, merely shook his head as Sirius walked in. "Save it, Black." He said. "We're going down to see Remus. You're not invited." And they left the room.

He sunk down into the armchair James had just vacated. He supposed he should have expected that. James was furious with him as he had every right to be. But what could Sirius possibly do to prove to him how sorry he was?

He considered apologising to Snivellus. He truly wished he hadn't done it, and he knew what he'd done had been wrong, but he couldn't do it. Snape would never have bought it, and besides, Dumbledore was right, he had known what he was doing. At least half of this bloody mess was Snape's fault.

After what seemed like hours, James and Peter re-entered the common room.

"He wants to talk to you." James told him. "Merlin knows why. I wouldn't bother with you myself, but Remus is a good person. He wants to give you a chance to explain."

"Prongs. I want to explain to you." He said, but James had already left.

He made his way down to the hospital wing, heart pounding and dreading seeing the cold disappointment in his friend's face.

The reality was almost as bad as the imaginings.

"Why?" Was all Remus asked, and Sirius felt something break inside of himself.

Hadn't he promised Remus? Hadn't he told him? Surely a thousand times. Over and over again. I won't tell a soul. I'll never betray you. Your secret's safe with me. It wasn't. It hadn't been. He had.

"Oh Remus." He said, his voice breaking as he looked at his friend, bandaged up more than ever. "I'm so sorry."

Remus reached out a hand to him as he choked up. "It's OK." He said, and, miraculously, in spite of everything, he was smiling. "I forgive you."

Remus might have forgiven him (Remus forgave him far too readily), but James didn't. He wasn't sure where Peter stood on the matter. The shorter boy wasn't exactly ignoring him, but he wasn't going out of his way to talk to him either.

Sirius was not sitting with the others in lessons. Bizarrely, it seemed, Lily Evans and Severus Snape had also fallen out with each other during the preceding weeks, as they were sitting apart as well. Sirius joined Lily at her table in potions. Eyes on the cauldron, avoiding Snape and his friends.

"Trouble in paradise?" She asked him, not unkindly.

He nodded. He knew James fancied Lily. It had been obvious for about a year now. And, quite honestly, Lily would be lucky to have him. James really was a thoroughly decent person.

"I've been an idiot." He told her.

Lily smiled. "It makes you less of one when you can admit it." And Sirius couldn't help smiling back. Hadn't he said the same thing to James once?

The end of term arrived and they prepared to depart for Hogsmeade station. Sirius did not sit with the others on the train. He stared miserably out of the window, feeling quite as bad about going home as he had in his first year. This Christmas he wouldn't even have James to talk to. How could he keep fighting against his family when he had nothing to fight for anymore?

There was a knock on the compartment door and he looked up. "Come in?"

It was James. He was smiling a little awkwardly, but came to sit down anyway. "Hi." He said.

"Hi." Sirius said. "Look, James -"

"It's OK."

"No it's not. It's not OK. I'm so sorry. I-"

"Padfoot. It's OK."

Sirius looked at him. And there it was. That look in his friend's hazel eyes. The look he'd never seen before in anyone's eyes but his friends. It was still there. It hadn't gone away. James still cared.

"Oh Prongs." Sirius said and he broke down again. He thought he'd probably cried more in the last month than he had done in his whole life. What was happening to him?

James hugged him, and when they broke apart, there were tears in his eyes too.

"I forgive you." He said. "Moony helped me understand why you did it. I couldn't let you go back home without telling you that, even if I do still want to thump you for it."

"You still can if it makes you feel better." Sirius told him.

James laughed. "Nah. I'll leave the violence to the death eaters."

"I'm sorry Prongs."

"I know." James said. "I believe you. Now will you please come and join us? Between you and me, Pettigrew's driving me mad. We need you. I need you."

Sirius smiled. He was quite sure he'd need James more than he needed him this Christmas, but then did there really need to be a hierarchy? He and James were friends. They loved each other like brothers. They needed one another and they were there for each other. And right now Sirius thanked a God he wasn't sure he believed in. Because things were, it seemed, finally back to normal.