"Momma." Teeth tugged at her fur and slowly Goldenflower opened her eyes. Swiftkit was staring at her with pleading, frantic amber eyes. "Lynxkit won't get up to play."
"What do you mean?" Goldenflower yawned, her teeth flashing in the dim light. They'd been up late the night before, listening to the elder's stories.
"I shook her and shook her and she won't open her eyes. What's wrong with her? Momma?"
"Go get Spottedleaf." Goldenflower's mew was sharp. Swiftkit obeyed her immediately, whirling out of the den as fast as his tiny legs could carry him.
Lynxkit was still curled up against her flank. Her eyes were closed and her ginger and black chest was still. Goldenflower stared at her kit, willing her sides to rise and fall with a small breath. A shallow breath even. No, StarClan!
"Lynxkit, dear, it's time to get up." The little body was cold when Goldenflower nudged the kit. Far too cold. Where was the warmth, the small, rapid pulse of her heart?
Blood roared in her ears. No. No. No. She licked Lynxkit's fur the wrong way, ruffling it. Where was the paw to push gently against her nose in protest? Where were those green eyes, so much like her own, sparkling with love and yet so sleepy? Where was that quiet mewl that begged for more sleep?
"Lynxkit." Goldenflower's new cracked. "Lynxkit!" she wailed even as Spottedleaf slipped into the den. Swiftkit was not with her. "Lynkit! Wake up!"
Spottedleaf crouched next to Goldenflower and sniffed the kit, nosing through her fur. After a moment she looked up at Goldenflower, amber eyes dark. "She is with StarClan now."
The little scrap of fur at her belly would never scamper around with Swiftkit again, would never suckle at her belly and grow into an apprentice and then a warrior. A piece of Goldenflower cracked off, as brittle as a leaf in leaf-fall, and drifted away with Lynxkit. There would be no vigil for her. Eventually Swiftkit would grow into a fine warrior, his sister nothing more than a faded memory of a playmate. Only Goldenflower and Patchpelt would mourn what could have been.
"Why?" Goldenflower whispered. "She was fine last night. Just tired."
"I'm sorry," Spottedleaf mewed, resting her chin on Goldenflower's head. The medicine cat's herbal scent was soothing, but Goldenflower didn't need to be coddled.
"Sorry?" Goldenflower snarled. "StarClan will be sorry."
Pulling away, she picked up Lynxkit in her jaws and strode out of the nursery. Patchpelt was there, his eyes solemn and his tail wrapped around Swiftkit. "Say goodbye to Lynxkit," he mewed, as Goldenflower set the small she-cat down.
"Bye-bye," Swiftkit mewed, nuzzling his sister's body. He licked her ear gently. "Bye Lynkit," he said again, looking up at Goldenflower. His gaze was puzzled. "Where are you taking her?"
He didn't understand, not really. Desperate, she couldn't find the words to tell him. They kept dancing out of reach, taunting her.
"A long way away," Patchpelt mewed. "Come with me and I'll tell you where Lynxkit has gone. She's with Redtail now."
Goldenflower brushed her tail against Patchpelt's shoulders, grateful for the tom's steady wisdom. He would be the right cat to introduce Swiftkit to death and StarClan. Swiftkit hadn't quite understood where Redtail had gone - only that Lionheart was now the deputy and had less time for badger rides. Patchpelt was granting her the time and space she needed to bury Lynxkit.
Goldenflower picked her way through the forest. There was a small meadow, tucked away on the banks of the river by WindClan and RiverClan territory. The sunlight graced it in the mornings, coaxing blooms out in newleaf and greenleaf. It would be the perfect place to bury Lynxkit. The sun should always shine on her kit. Her kit should still be here.
Why, StarClan?
There was no answer.
Goldenflower set Lynxkit's body beneath the ferns of the meadow. She would bury Lynxkit on the slope. Arching her claws, she began to scoop out earth to dig a grave. The soil yielded easily at first and the deeper she dug, the more the dirt and clay clung to her claws. At last the grave was deep enough to shelter Lynxkit for eternity.
Goldenflower picked up the small scrap of ginger and black and paused. How could she bury her own kit, her own daughter? She set her kit down between her paws and sat there, staring at the grave. How could she keep Lynxkit from the sun and the air and the stars? A pelt of grass was not for her daughter. She did not hear the other cat approach, until they spoke.
"Goldenflower?" It was Bluestar. Her mew was quiet, sympathetic, touched with grief.
"Bluestar." Goldenflower's shoulders hunched with the weight of her misery.
"I followed your scent when you did not return to camp. Spottedleaf said you had gone to bury Lynxkit. Speckletail and Patchpelt are with Swiftkit now."
"I- I can't." Her voice broke, her sorrow raw and painful. "I can't say goodbye."
Bluestar's pelt brushed against her and she leaned into the clan leader, like a kit. Her head tucked under Bluestar's chin, the leader's tail curled around her back. "I know." Bluestar tried to purr comfortingly, but it came out broken. "I know what it is like to grieve so deeply, so completely. Take comfort that StarClan has left you this gift of closure - burial."
Of course. Her kits went missing that leaf-bare. How could I forget? "I don't even remember your kits' names," Goldenflower admitted, feeling guilty. "Swiftkit's going to forget Lynxkit. She might not even be a memory to him. Your kits have been forgotten by the clan."
"But never by me," Bluestar whispered. "There's not a day that goes by that I wish things could be different. You will never forget Lynxkit even as clan life moves on."
A small sob escaped from Goldenflower. "She'll never be a warrior."
"No." Bluestar agreed. "But she will never know pain or hunger or fear. She died happy and innocent, Goldenflower. And she watches over us from StarClan now. And when it is your turn to go to StarClan, you will see her again."
Silence.
"It is time to let her go."
Goldenflower looked at her leader. The depths of compassion in those blue eyes shocked her.
"I will help you," Bluestar promised.
Lynxkit dangled from Goldenflower's jaws as she set the tiny she-cat in the grave. She tucked her limbs underneath her and curled the kitten up. It looked like she was sleeping. With one trembling paw, Goldenflower reached to sweep dirt over Lynxkit's body, but froze. Bluestar reached out and out her paw on top of Goldenflower's. Together, they buried the kit, dirt showering onto the once lively she-kit.
"May StarClan light your path, little one," Bluestar mewed once the earth was packed over the grave.
They sat there for a little while, before Goldenflower felt that familiar ache that told her it would be time for her kits - no, kit - to eat soon. They rose and as they departed, Goldenflower glanced back at Lynxkit's grave. I'll never forget you, she promised.
Out loud, she thanked Bluestar. "I needed somecat there."
"You needed a friend," Bluestar mewed simply. "And a cat who understands. Grief is no easy thing, but you learn to walk under the weight of your sorrow."