Chapter eight: How to love

After eating dinner with Bane and clearing the table I started doing the dishes. Most nights Bane sat at the table while I did, this time he wondered outside the house and then into the shower. I was not paying him much attention. I was staring outside, drying the plates. Hunter was sitting in front of the chickenscoop, curiously watching the brown feathered creatures before him. The dog would never harm the chickens, I was sure of that. But his interest in them was endless. I smiled a bit. Placing the towel on the countertop. I slowly started putting the plates inside the cabinets, staring through the window when I finished. The sky was orange, the end of this day. It was breathtaking.

It took me some time to realise that the shower was no longer running. I turned around, watching for Bane. But I did not see him anywhere. I slowly walked towards the bathroom. Empty. When I slowly made my way over towards the bedroom the mystery was solved. Sleeping on the bed was Bane. The enormous man that had been so good to me, was lying on the bed, in only a boxershort. I figured he must have been extremely tired, not even lying under the sheets. I kept standing in the doorway, a smile playing around my lips, watching him sleep so peacefully.

I wondered why someone would just help another like he had helped me. He had invited me inside his house and even his life. Sharing his bed with me, his food and home. I was still clueless that someone could be that kind, that good.

I slowly walked a little closer, not sure what to do. I recently started sleeping in a large shirt, no longer keeping my short jeans on. It was because of him. He made me feel safe enough, in a way. I undressed and got into my night shirt. I remembered his words about retiring early this evening. He had been exhausted, I now knew. I slowly sat down on my side of the bed and then turned on my back, watching him. His breathing was even, calming me down completely. Deep down inside I wanted to curl up against him, I thought that would help me feel even more safe. But I also knew I didn't want to be touched. I completely freaked out at everyone who had touched me after being raped. It felt like being scarred. I had believed people would only try to use and hurt me for a long time, until I met Bane. He was positive in his own way, everything he did helping me get out of my shell, without forcing me. It had to be too good to be true.

But still, here I was, lying down the most muscular and enormous man I had even seen from so close. And I felt safe, good even. That was something right?

I had extended my hand before I knew it, almost touching his cheek, but freezing right before I touched him. What was I doing? I had want to touch him. He was lying on his side, facing me. The need to touch him was there. I wanted the contact, but there was something holding me back. Making me aware of all the danger I was getting myself into. I moved a little closer, very slowly, no wanting to wake him. I slowly turned on my side, facing him. We were so close now, his body right before mine. It felt dangerous and nice at the same time. He was intriguing me with every fiber. What about me drew him near? By was I drawn to him?

The kisses we'd shared had been innocent enough, but they had made me feel something. Something new. He was being so careful and gentle with my and everything he did. How could someone be so loving?

….

Waking usually involved Hunter coming to the bed, whining long enough so I would get up. But not this morning. I only noticed I was still on the bed and warm, because of the body lying behind mine. One of Bane's arms was lying over my waist, like he wanted me this close. I must have turned in my sleep. His body was resting against mine, warm and breathing evenly. We still were lying on top of the covers, but I was not cold at all. My heart fluttered a bit. I needed to stay calm. Nothing was happening. He only showed he'd want me this close. That was a good thing.

I moved a bit, feeling his arm around my waist flex. His hand found its way to my stomach, pulling me even closer. That froze me. I knew I was safe. I knew it was Bane behind me. But being afraid and always ready to flee.

I hated that.

I heard him wake. I forced myself to stay calm and still. He was not going to harm me. He moved a bit behind me, but his arm stayed in place.

'Good morning.' His voice was even lower this early in the morning, I noticed. I turned a bit, on my back. His arm around my waist still remained, his hand suddenly on my stomach once more.

'Good morning,' I answered, my voice so much softer next to his. He seemed sleepy still, his eyes focused on mine.

'This is a very nice way to wake up, Odette,' he told me, letting his hand linger on my stomach a few seconds more, before he pulled his hand back and turned on his back himself. He yawned and stretched his arms. I watched him curiously.

'It's still a little dark outside,' I told him, forcing my eyes to watch the window instead of his muscular arms and upper body.

'Then that means there is a little more time to stay here, resting,' he told me. Before I knew it his arm was back, this time even stronger around my stomach. He had turned on his side once more, his face suddenly very close.

I liked his touch, his hold on me. But I felt so frozen. So nervous. He took a deep breath and pulled me even closer against his front.

'Odette?' he then asked me. I swallowed and moved my face so I could meet his eyes.

'What are you thinking, right now.' I bit my lip. Why did this make me so nervous.

'I- I don't really know. It's nice and safe. But-' I hesitated. Bane brought his hand towards my face, moving a strand of hair away from my cheek.

'But it's also scaring you,' he stated. I nodded. He nodded to and released my hair, his hand not returning to my stomach. He was not touching me anymore. And I instantly regretted it.

'Don't stop. Please.' I blurted it out. Bane noticed it too and his eyes found mine, asking them if I meant it. If it was not just said to please him.

'I told you I am messed up,pretty badly. But I do like- this,' I hammered. I looked away, and when he not instantly reacted, I started pulling away from him too. Maybe I had displeased him, or maybe he had realised I was a mess.

But then I felt his hand on me again, pulling me against him. Gently, but firm enough.

'Maybe I should just hold you long enough to get that out of your mind. Nobody is perfect. Nobody has a clean slate. Not when you are truly living life.' I turned on my side once more, my back against his front, staring in front of me. He brought his face close to my neck. I felt his hot breath. His arms embraced me gently. It felt good.

'But that does not mean that you are not a good person.' A single tear made its way down my cheek. Bane was pretty perfect to me, and his words meant a lot to me.

'Sleep some more Odette, we can talk later.'

With those words I dozed off again, in the arms of someone that made me feel a little better about myself. Maybe I was not so lost as I thought. Maybe I was worthy of a better live, with someone in it who could love me, broken and bruised. Just maybe…

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