CHAPTER 65: ... THEN NOTHING EVER WILL

TW: suicidal ideation

Curled up underneath the wings of a dragon, Lucy slumbered, dead to the rest of the world. And as she slept, she dreamt of home.

Running across the streets of Helgen she was, summer wind in her hair, the cobbled stone warm and smooth beneath her bare feet. She followed her friends through the plaza, their sweet laughter merging into the atmosphere of a lively town. They were heading to the park by the Keep, she, Loke, Haming, and the alchemist's daughter, where they so often played hide-and-seek amongst the pines and bushes. Careless and free she felt, for no dread could ever reach over Helgen's walls, as her mother always said.

There was no sorrow, there was no pain.

The ginger-haired boy caught her hand, smiling wide as he dragged her between the narrow alleys, running past the merchant booths on the marketplace. Oh how she wished to bask in the scent of freshly-baked bread and herbal teas for a moment longer, but it was a race to the City Keep they didn't want to lose. The last one in the Keep's courtyard was a rotten egg, after all.

Laughing so brightly, the children made it to the fortress, still holding hands while they banged their palms on the massive wooden doors. The alchemist's daughter had fallen into a puddle of mud, hindering Haming's race to the castle as well. Though the guards at the door minded not Lucy's and Loke's arrival, the alchemist's daughter received a stern gaze when she slammed her muddy hands to the fancy door. All giggling, they escaped to the courtyard, knowing the guards would let them go.

And there they went, running into the blooming garden, sunlight filtering through the leafy trees and falling so gently on Lucy's face. The green fields of moss and grass embraced the footsteps of the children, and for a moment, Lucy lay down beneath the tree, turning her gaze upwards. A flock of crows soared past the treetops, flitting from the canopy of branches to the vast blue skies. As always, she imagined them to be dragons, but no such things existed, not anymore.

She heard her friends call for her from the distance, but the grass felt so soothing and cool beneath her, that she wanted to stay there longer. Sharply, she breathed through the exhaustion, letting her heart calm down within her chest. If she'd just close her eyes for a minute, would she still wake up as jubilantly happy? Would Loke come to wake her, as he did this morning, climbing into her chamber through the window and calling her to play? If she'd fall asleep, just briefly, nothing would change, as no dread ever reached Helgen's walls.

But then she jolted awake to the sound of roaring fires.

It flooded her heart like a storm shielding the sun, the fear she had never needed to feel. High flames enveloped the whole garden of Helgen, and through the fire she ran, her bare feet burning as they hit the ground again and again. Someone screamed nearby, but by the time Lucy reached the alchemist's daughter, only ashes remained of her. Mortified, Lucy turned up her gaze, seeing her hometown consumed by greedy, cruel dragonfire.

This just could not happen.

Not to her.

Not to her home.

Trying to scream herself awake from this nightmare, she kept running. A dragon, a black mass of shadow and death roared in the skies. Over the street, Lucy glimpsed Haming. The boy tried to help the elders of the town to safety. He looked older now – his hair had grown, he wore a patch over his eye, and half of his leg was missing, yet was still Haming, for Lucy would always remember the friends she had known her entire life. She tried to yell to him, but no voice came from her throat, and so the dragon plunged from the skies and they all disappeared into the sea of flame.

Then, someone caught her by the wrists, crying out her name. It was Loke. He too had grown from a boy to a man, yet the light in his eyes had dimmed out, smothered by the black smoke that filled the streets. In a burst of foolhardy determination, Loke began to drag her towards the gates, promising to take her somewhere safe, for he'd give his own life to protect her if he must.

As if the sun had been swallowed by the night, darkness fell over Helgen, and all noise of death and despair was stilled in an instant. The dragon disappeared as the flames were blown out by a breath of frigid wind, yet Lucy did not let go of Loke's hand. Shivering from head to toe, they turned their gazes to the nothingness that opened in front of them, where everything just vanished around her, slowly slipping through her fingers, leaving behind nothing but pain.

And there, the serpents crawled in.

Up on Loke's feet did one eyeless snake slither, freezing him completely in place. His fingers around Lucy's hand loosened when the serpent reached his neck, grasping him into a strong, steadfast chokehold. Loke tried to say something, as if he wanted to apologize, but before he could form a word, he turned into ice. Squeezing the frozen figure ever tighter, the serpent strangled his head, and then a loud crack broke the silence between them.

Upon an instinct, Lucy closed her eyes, holding back a fierce sob, ever trying to convince herself that this was all just a dream, a nightmare she'd wake from. Shatters of ice fell to the ground, clattering bright like a broken glass filled with red wine. Something hot landed on her face, almost as warm as the sun had been. She wiped the liquid from her forehead, glanced down, her fingers painted crimson with blood. She dared not to look where Loke had been, and so she lifted her gaze to the blackened sky, where an Eye was staring back at her.

Again.

It was a gaze she'd met thousands of times by now.

"Dragonborn, how many times will you repeat the same tragedy, just to finally acknowledge that all paths lead to me?" said Hermaous Mora. "The longer you deny me, the deeper you sink into despair. Surrender your will to me. It will be in… good hands."

Lucy screamed from the bottom of her lungs, a raging yell that echoed all across the void. These words had rung in her mind for aeons, but she could never, ever surrender her soul into the hands of a demon. This is what the First had warned her about, yet again and again, she ran straight to the haunting Eye.

And each time, it was harder to keep up the fight.

"It's futile to resist. Beyond repair you'll be shattered in the process. Come, child. I can mend what is broken. Let us work… wonders together."

She fell to the ground, cutting her knees on the shards of ice. No pain came through the hazed dissociation, only the realization that she bled amongst the blood of her friends. She'd die, just like they all did – those who'd given their lives to protect her, had now sacrificed for nought but her prolonged death. Even Lucy was finally starting to turn her eyes towards the Prince of Knowledge, as if only He'd know how to stop her slow bleeding.

And he did.

"A curse now reigns within you. A curse of fear, a curse of death. It is your heart that still holds on to the fight against it, yet refuses to learn the truth. I shall bring it to you once again; everyone you love will die," the Prince of Knowledge told. "Yet you will still live, for you have the destiny to fulfil. I shall… make sure of that."

Lucy gazed deep into the Eye, and for a moment, she glimpsed into things no mortal should ever see. Past and future, all merged into one chaos, the Gardener of Men kept it all in his grasp. Visions layered upon each other, all possible outcomes of all possible actions, and in all of them she saw her loved ones die. Even the ones not yet born, ones who might never be, withered before her eyes, for under the spell of the Gardener she'd outlive them all.

And she did not want it.

"There has to be a way," Lucy muttered, refusing to believe she couldn't escape this grasp, "somewhere in the Void itself, there has to be a way to kill you. And I will find it."

All prophecies fell apart when Hermaous Mora closed his eye, as if letting out a long sigh. "To kill the god who knows it all? No, mortal. There is no such way," Mora said. "All paths… lead to me."

Still in refusal, Lucy shook her head.

"I will not walk upon such a path that leads to you. And if I ever find myself there…" she answered, "I'd rather take my own life than let my soul fall into your hands. I will never…" gazing fiercely into the Eye, she gasped for a breath, "I won't let anyone stain my soul ever again. Not even a god."

Then, silence descended into the darkness, and the Eye closed once more.

"Then take your own life you shall," answered the demon after a while. "Stain your hands with your own blood, and see, how it all bleeds into me. You're only avoiding the inevitable, Dragonborn. It's all very… familiar to me. The children of Akatosh are deeply alike. Perhaps…" As Hermaous Mora halted his speech, a strange force began to pull Lucy further from the Prince's presence. She could barely understand it unless the Eye opened far in the distance. "Perhaps, next time we meet, I shall show you the true power you'll achieve once you've surrendered to me. And the dream… finally ends."

In the passing of a heartbeat, the demon was gone. Somebody wrapped their strong yet cold arms around Lucy, and how she wished it would've been him, but she knew this one wasn't. She was still asleep – though she barely understood this either – trapped in the world within her mind, and here, she was alone with the First.

Miraak, who'd fought through Hermaous Mora's spell, let go of Lucy as he placed her on the ground next to a sleeping dead dragon. She gazed deep into his eyes, the angered sorrow in them stinging her to the heart like a blade.

"How many times do I have to save you from Him?" Miraak asked, hissing from rage. "You've already escaped the Order's grasp. Why in Shor's name are you still here!? Get back to Nirn before He finally lures you into Apocrypha as well!"

The name was left to echo in the void of Lucy's soul like a distant shout in the mountains. Apocrypha? As a memory, she recalled the name – had it been her dragons talking about such a place while they were healing her from the Order's devastating magic? Maybe. It held a mystery to be unravelled, yet from the way Miraak's face fell, she knew she shouldn't have heard of it yet – in the heat of anger, it had slipped from his tongue.

"I… I can't awaken," Lucy stuttered, lowering her gaze in shame. "I… I don't even know how long I've been here. I'm shattered, Miraak, and I don't know how to ever put myself back together again." She sighed. "I'm still fighting back. I remember what you said. I remember what happened to you." She looked up at him again. "Each time Hermaeus Mora has appeared to me, I've refused him, but he keeps coming back."

Miraak shook his head. "You cannot stay here for a moment longer. It has been too long. Eventually, your body in Nirn is going to wither, and that's when the Gardener of Men is going to harvest you into his realm. Trust me when I say this," Miraak paused, "whatever grief you're going through, it's better off there than in here. Face your sorrow. Accept your war. It is what it is."

Then, Miraak pulled out his sword.

"I'm sorry I have to do this," he said as Lucy's eyes widened, "but your healing must continue on Nirn from now on." Then he struck his sword, a blade forged with serpents crawling upon it, through Lucy's chest. "Awaken! Be banished from this darkness!"

The pain crept over her senses slowly. So soon, the sharp agony dulled into something cold – a flash of light, then it was all dark again.

When Lucy was finally awake, she couldn't even recall her name.

One might think, that after being lost in a desolate dreamworld for a time that felt like an eternity, one would be relieved to be finally back in reality. But for Lucy, as she woke up in the frigid cold, it wasn't so. Everything was a blur. Warmth mixed with ice, lights shone in the depths of darkness, she was alone yet not completely.

In fact, waking up this time was one of the scariest moments of her life.

She had sought out the fading embers of the fire, like a moth drawn to a flame. It had been the only thing she could understand. Fire. Until dawn, she had sat there, long after the fire had died, trying to spark it back to life with hands that didn't feel like hers. In the first light of the day, she had stared down at her reddened and frost-stricken fingers, wondering whose hands they were.

Only when somebody called her by the name, did she realise she was Lucy.

She was Lucy, who had been gone from home too long.

"Mom and dad must've missed me terribly," she had said then to the man standing behind her. The words seemed to come from nowhere, and she wasn't even entirely sure who she was talking to. "I've been gone for so long they must think I'm dead. I didn't even send them a letter."

This was a moment she couldn't remember later on, but the man did. While this sudden awakenment drifted away from her memory's grasp, it remained forever imprinted in Natsu's soul. He remembered how Lucy had remained silent awfully long when he'd asked if she knew his name. He remembered her thinking this was just a dream, how she'd collapsed from the mere shock of her parents and friends being dead. Yet still, Natsu never told her about this, for what followed next, was a pain so great it left the impact of a falling star on Lucy's soul.

The moment they returned to Helgen.

As she had fallen asleep again, she hadn't dreamt of anything for a brief while. The memories were still bright and clear in her mind – the days of her childhood, running across the streets of her hometown with summer wind in her hair. Natsu had carried her to the cart, and she'd slept by his side while Gildarts steered the horse down the snowy road, towards the demolished city wall. Perhaps there was this wicked sense of homecoming that reached through her sleep, and she opened her eyes to sight the familiar walls.

Lucy lifted her weary head from Natsu's shoulder, gazing at the ruined buildings that passed by. The cart moved past the flung-ajar gates in perfect silence. The sounds of the lively city were gone – only the ruthless winter wind howled in the empty houses. A shiver ran down Lucy's spine as the illusion slowly began to shatter. This all had to be a mistake. She was finally going back home to her parents, after being gone for so long.

"Where… where are we?" she stuttered, turning her eyes to the man beside her. As she met those green eyes below strands of dark pink hair, she nearly choked up from the sorrow that resonated in them. She knew the man was Natsu, yet he looked so different from what she remembered, what she'd thought he ought to look. "Why is… why is it so quiet?"

"It's Helgen," Natsu answered, his voice dry and worn, as if he hadn't spoken a word in days. "But it's…" And from there on, he didn't find any words. He averted his gaze, blankly staring at the burned buildings buried in snow. All the ash there had once been had now turned to white, so pure, yet so hollow and cold.

"Why's it so quiet?" she repeated. "Tell me. Please. Where's… where's everyone?"

His silence wrapped her lungs into a tighthold, squeezing like a spiked wire of iron. The cartdriver, an auburn-haired man, halted the carriage where the snow piles had grown too high for the wheels to pass over. The driver had a familiar face, yet she couldn't recall his name now. A grim frown formed on his forehead. It must've been a long journey from Winterhold to here, Lucy thought.

"Do you remember what I just told you, Lucy?" the driver said, causing her to shake her head. "A dragon attacked Helgen months ago. You lost your family in the fire. You've been travelling with this mage since, and –"

"Shut up, Gildarts," Natsu hissed to the driver, yet the damage couldn't be undone. Lucy stared at him, unable to believe a word he had said. Cannot be. Dragons aren't real. "Just… give her some time. She doesn't remember a thing."

"I don't remember what?"

Natsu fell silent again. The horse whinnied as the driver climbed out and gave it some dried wheat, stroking the steed's head with a ghostly arm. "Apparently you seem to think that you've been on some jolly holiday, visiting the College of Winterhold with him, and now you've come back home. Let me get things straight with you right ahead, girl," he said, honesty in his eyes and sternness in his tone, "because this mage thinks the truth will break you, I've gotta be the one to tell you what happened."

"Gildarts," Natsu growled, louder this time, "not now, for gods sake."

The air around them grew darker. Twilight was slowly falling upon the world, burying all in the blanket of the night. Before it, Lucy wanted to see it with her own eyes – in her mind, the sight of her mother in their kitchen was as bright and clear as a day. She'd still see her father organizing goods on the shelves, she'd glimpse Haming and Loke from the window as they headed to the sawmill in the first light of the day. They did so each morning, and she greeted them every time. Gods, she had missed them all so much they just couldn't be dead.

"This cannot be," Lucy muttered and stood up. Her legs shivered, all strength drained from them. "This just cannot be!"

Before Natsu could reach for her arm, Lucy ran.

She jumped from the cart and landed on the snow, then got up as fast as she could. She remembered these streets, so familiar yet still so distant, but they'd lead her back home all the same. The mage cried out her name as she disappeared amongst the burned buildings, leaving faint footprints on the top of the snow pile. On one warmer day, the crust of snow had melted just slightly and then frozen again the following night. As light as she had gotten, her feet didn't fall through the layer of ice, and so she kept running and running.

And in the eerie silence, only the crunching ice sounded beneath her shaky steps. She wanted to scream to suffocate the noise, just to fill the silence with something, but the air remained stuck in her throat. She gasped for breath – running had never felt as exhausting as it did now, but she kept going, past the houses she had once known, that were nothing but ruins no more.

Along the way, glimpses from the past returned to her. Visions of fire. Visions of blood. Those she'd thought to have been just nightmares, echoes from her fears, but they'd been real all along. The shadow of a dragon had soared over these streets, leaving behind nothing but ashes and death. And though the dragon was far from here now, its shadow burned her hopes and dreams to the ground all the same. One tear followed another, until she was drowning in her desperate weeping. The sun that hid behind the clouds went down now, and oh how she wished to go down with it.

There she stood then, in front of her home.

Only ashes, snow, and silence welcomed her back.

The devastation crept onto her slow, as the last parts of her mind softening the blow crumbled below the truth's weight. The nightmare did not flutter away. Sturdy as a mountain, it remained unmoving, unyielding before her sight. She remembered it now, the last glimpse of the burning home she'd taken before running away. The flames had withered long ago, and the ashes had grown cold.

She could not recall how long she stood there alone. A moment seemed to stretch into centuries in the matter of a heartbeat. Trembling, she collapsed to her knees as the flood of memories swept her out of balance. A chaos of fragments, unorganized and everchanging, formed a picture of the life she'd lived in the turning of the season – as summer had turned to autumn and there to winter, the pure white light had twisted into bloody red.

"Lucy," said a voice beside her. When Natsu had reached her, she couldn't tell. Perhaps he wasn't there at all, only another illusion. "I… I'm so sorry. Gods, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry it all happened, and… sorry you had to forget it. Remembering everything now and feeling it all over, I… I can't even imagine your pain."

Lucy lifted her gaze to him. He had crouched next to her and placed his arm around her shoulders, but she couldn't feel it. Tears blurred her vision, his face disappearing into a cloud of fog, and gods, how she wished at least he'd be real, that he wouldn't vanish from her life like everyone, everything else did.

"I'm scared," she muttered silently. "I'm just so scared."

He answered by pulling her into a tight embrace, letting her weep against his chest for a while. Natsu stroked her hair and swayed her softly. His warmth seemed to melt off the ice in her heart, but as it did, the flood of tears did not cease – all the pain that had frozen, stilled completely, flowed free now, and she drowned in it.

"I know," Natsu said then. "I'm just as scared as you. But I know," he paused, "I know how strong you are. We will get through this. If you want, when you're ready, I can help you remember all that happened. Because I still remember. There's so much darkness and pain, but there are good things too. I wish," he paused again. "I wish you could remember the good ones."

"There's so much fire," Lucy muttered. "So much blood."

"Do you remember the stars? How we watched them? You told me about the constellations and signs, and how the stars are actually little windows to Aetherius. When we look up into them, we can see our loved ones that have already left this world," Natsu said. "They aren't entirely gone, even though they aren't with us anymore."

"I can't see them. I can't see the stars anymore."

Natsu fell silent and held her a little tighter, firm like a solid rock.

"I am never going to be with them," Lucy whispered, yet the words didn't seem to come from her at all. "My soul will be claimed by the Void. It already is. I don't think," she gasped a shaky breath, "I don't think there's going to be any light left. Only darkness. Nothing but the Void."

"Then I will follow you into the Void, so you won't be there alone."

Lucy shook her head, pulling herself away from him. She gazed deep into his eyes. There had been an utter conviction in his words, not a hint of doubt. "No," she said. "The things I've seen there… are something I wouldn't wish to my worst enemy. If anything," she muttered, "Just please, don't ever let your light be smothered by the darkness in me."

And in his eyes, Lucy could see that he understood her. He knew her pain, he knew her darkness, but stayed anyway. Natsu didn't look away, didn't run – yet he had not seen it all. He had not seen the Eye that haunted her, nor did he even know about it. If he knew, would he still attempt to save her? Would he still stay, and pull her from the hands of a god?

"I will show you the stars again," Natsu said then. "I'll fight all that darkness until you can see them. The light is still there, Lucy. And I'd die just to let you see it. I promise you this," Natsu closed her into another embrace and lifted her trembling frame into his arms. He stood up on the crust of snow, and Lucy turned her eyes to the ruins of her home. "Let's head to the keep before we freeze to death, alright?"

She nodded faintly, unable to find any words, drifting back to the dark sea of her thoughts. Would Natsu truly say that, if he knew it all? Would he still attempt to save her if he knew all his efforts would be in vain? To die for her? No matter how she tried, Lucy couldn't get Mora's words out of her head. There were no stars in her skies anymore. Only serpents.

All paths lead to me.

Said by the Prince of Knowledge and Fate, it was the utmost truth. She could not escape from it – as shattered as her mind was, this destiny was so clear on her horizon. For so long she had wondered what her fate would be, and now she finally knew. This battle she could not win, for even every victory would lead her closer to Hermaous Mora's grasp. Not even Miraak could save her from it – and now, she didn't see any reason why the First would do so anyway. After all, he was just another pet to Mora.

But Lucy knew, that the longer she would fight the inevitable fate, the deeper Natsu would follow her into the darkness. With her, he would walk on the same path, directly to the demon's arms.

And of all things, it pained her the most.

From there on, Lucy's heart plunged into the gloomiest depths. Natsu carried her through the ruined city, talked something to the strange man Lucy couldn't quite remember, and then they headed to the city keep through the guard's barracks. The old stone halls were as cold as the grave. They lit a grand fire in the kitchen's hearth, and Natsu placed Lucy on the chair by the fire, wrapping her into dusty fur cloaks. He told her he'd go off with Gildarts to see there weren't any bandits in hiding in the castle, and that she'd have to yell if something would happen, if she'd be in danger. He'd be back in a second.

Lucy nodded as a reply, but knew she would not yell.

Natsu was at a loss of so many things, yet words were what he uttermost lacked.

He had been right. Coming back to Helgen was a terrible idea. Whatever Gildarts, that lying old bastard, had thought, had all gone straight to Oblivion the moment Lucy realised where they were. Somewhere in her mind, she had truly believed everything was at it used to be, yet now the illusion came burning down. And she crumbled with it. All he could do was to witness it – and hope he could catch her as she fell high from imaginary towers where she'd been hiding from the world.

But what was done was done, and now he must live with it. How could they move on from here on? He didn't know, and he didn't trust if the future would show him the way. Like a compass without the north, he remained just as lost, just as scared as Lucy.

Silence haunted the aisles of Helgen Keep. A moment ago, he had left Lucy to warm up beside the fire, promising to get back to her soon. It felt like an eternity now. It might've been just a minute or two after Natsu finished inspecting the nearby halls of the castle and found them empty, and now he descended the stairs, already returning to her. Gildarts had sensed the two needed to be alone to talk things through, which was good. Natsu couldn't stand the old man's company any longer, so Gildarts agreed to stay alone in the tower chamber. It was colder there than in the kitchen hall, but it mattered to him very little.

The silence shattered when Natsu pushed open the wooden door, hinges creaking in the dim-lit chamber. His chest simmered with fear as once again he was reminded of things that happened previously when he left Lucy alone for a moment. Yet there she was, sitting by the fire, strangely peaceful and calm. However, any relief did not come. Strange tension lingered in the air, an unspoken word, the weight of a secret Natsu knew very well what it was like to carry.

Natsu closed the door behind him. A fire crackled in the hearth, lights and shadows dancing on the walls as he walked across the chamber. Dried herbs, frost miriam and braided garlic hung from the ceiling, covering the ashen smell with a familiar and warm scent. Does it bring her any comfort? Natsu wondered. With anxiety wrenching his chest, he seated on the chair opposite Lucy. Her gaze was locked onto something on the round table between them.

It was a small, blue bottle, gleaming in gentle candlelight.

Poison.

The answer came to him faster than he could even grasp the fact. The bottle was still full, cork sealed tight – she must've found it here in the kitchen, where few bottles of poison were always stored, for the sake of rare occasions when poisoning the keep's unwanted quests was a mandatory task. It tempted her to open it, he could sense it, feel it in her presence, as if each shard of her broken soul was screaming to end her pain.

Natsu couldn't say a word.

Just maybe, if he'd just be here, by her side, she'd look away from the bottle – yet it felt like something he couldn't force, as if he'd turn her head, her neck would snap. So strong was the glare between her and the bottle. And if he'd take the bottle away and toss it into the fire, he feared what kind of a storm she'd unleash on him.

"Lucy, whatever you are thinking, it's not worth it," he spoke then. Not a hint of emotion crossed Lucy's face. "It's not. I know you're in pain. But this," he glanced at the bottle, "is not the cure for it."

"I know," Lucy answered. "But it's the end of it."

Natsu stared at her in silence, shuddering at her words. Today, he had seen how the little light died in her eyes as the darkness settled in, creeping up from the bottom of her soul and turning her vision black. But he never thought it would come to this. Never.

"I know what you're going to say. I'm not expecting you to understand, but hear me out," Lucy continued, her voice barely audible. "You say I cannot die. The fate of the world rests upon my shoulders. This was given to me, this pain, so I could forge it into a weapon and slay the darkness that's about to swallow all light. I was born to carry this pain, wasn't I? And upon my destiny, the pain wouldn't be worse than I can bear, right?" She looked up, staring right through his eyes. "But it's all a lie."

Natsu remained silent as he analysed her gaze. He had nearly forgotten the deep-brown colour in her eyes, because for so long, icy blue had been all he'd seen. But this couldn't be Lucy. It just couldn't. Real Lucy would never say something like this. It's gotta be Rahgot's curse, Natsu thought by himself. The priest and his mages are dead, but the curse isn't fully purged from her. These words are just fragments of it. It's going to pass. She wouldn't say this.

"I have come to think that," Lucy continued then, "maybe my existence was just an opportunity. A wicked test of the gods to see if mankind's truly worth salvation. I used to believe so, when I still had a heart. I used to believe I would defeat Alduin and allow us to exist for a moment longer, but," she paused for a breath, "maybe it's better to let it go. Let it die. Let it burn."

This isn't her.

This just cannot be her.

Natsu turned his eyes away from Lucy, and gazed into the fire, the only familiar thing in the room. Still, no words came to him. He just didn't know what to say – perhaps he even hoped that she'd fall asleep and wake up without any memories of this. If I'll just sit back and listen to her, this madness will pass soon. She doesn't mean anything she says. She's not going to do anything to herself. Once the curse is fully purged, she'll –

When she spoke again, Natsu's thoughts were cut. "Alduin grows stronger the more he devours. He'll devour all of our souls. He'll eat up Nirn, each moon, each remain of the gods, each creature that exists outside our world in the depths of Aetherius and Oblivion. Eventually, even the Void shall be obliterated, each and every shadow, every serpent that hides in the darkness, and the Eye shall finally close. I did not realise this until I saw it."

"You saw what?"

"Natsu," she started quietly, "there are things within my mind I wish you'd never have to know about. The soul of a Dragonborn is a gateway. And demons… they seek for such gateways." Lucy looked into the fire, nervously fiddling her fingers. "I don't think you'd see me the same way if you knew who I truly am. But before I go," she faltered, searching for words, "I'll let you know me, in all honesty, and cruelty."

"Whatever curse was laid upon you is going to disappear. Rahgot and his mages are dead. Their magic can't hold onto you forever," Natsu answered, then looked into her. "I see you, Lucy. It's still you."

She chuckled sadly. "I barely know her anymore."

Natsu bit his lip as his chin started to tremble. He still remembered what she'd said the night after they defeated Krosulhah. She'd told him how hard it is to remember who she was before everything went wrong, and how she wonders how much of her can be salvaged if all of this is ever over. She'd been so afraid of losing herself.

And now it had happened.

"You said," Lucy started slowly, "that you'd die just to let me see the stars again." Then she looked straight into him. "Please, take those words back."

"I meant them, and I still do."

Tears glimmered in her eyes. "Please," she whispered, "I can't bear to have anyone else die protecting me. I'm so tired of losing those who I love." Her voice cracked as she wiped her eyes. "I can still hear it in my head."

She's talking of Loke.

"The sound," Lucy continued, "the damned sound of his skull cracking within the priest's fist. The gush of blood that followed. Gods." She nearly gagged. "I… I can't remember how it looked. I'm glad I don't. But the sound haunts me. Natsu, I can't get it out of my head. It's there. All the time."

"I know," Natsu answered, yet it was difficult for him to form any words. "I know what it feels like." He swallowed a lump that was forming in his throat, as his own memories surfaced in his mind. "I watched my best friend die, and it haunts me, too. I know your sorrow, Lucy." He glanced at the bottle on the table. "But it's still not a reason to give up the fight. Loke died to protect you. Don't let his sacrifice be in vain."

"No, you don't know. Loke's blood," she stared down at her palms, "is in my hands."

"It's a choice he made," Natsu said, sudden bitterness in his heart. "Because he loved you."

"And I don't want you to make the same choice. I don't want to stain my hands in your blood, too," Lucy muttered, then turned her face away, whispering so quietly that Natsu barely heard. "Everyone I love is going to die."

Natsu fell silent.

"I'm so sorry, Lucy," Natsu mumbled then, almost in tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I failed to protect you from them. Maybe, if I had been better, Loke would be still alive. And now –"

"It wasn't your fault."

"It was. I let you go in Riften. Do you remember that?" Natsu asked, and Lucy stared at him blankly. "Can you recall what happened in Riften? Or that we even were there?"

She shook her head. "I… I'm not sure. It's all chaos in my head," she answered. "But don't blame yourself for –"

"I fucking do. You told me you'd go to sleep, and I believed that. But when the dragon attacked the city, I found you gone. You tricked me into believing you'd be sleeping when in fact you sneaked out to assassinate the headmistress of an orphanage," Natsu said, somehow knowing he should stop, but in his frustration, the words came out like a bitter flood. "I was trying to find you while the city around me burned to the ground. We got separated because I let you go, and for that, we lost the battle. The cult captured you. And they hurt you. Broke you, trying to make you this damned Konahrik, then they killed your friend, and it's all my fault, because I failed, and –"

"Wait… I did what?" Lucy asked, terrified.

Natsu fell silent, realising he'd been too harsh, considering she didn't remember a damned thing. But he had promised to tell her everything that happened – and this, too, was a thing she had to remember. But not now. Gods, why did I bring this up? Am I still so angry at her for lying to me like that?

"Maybe… Maybe it's better not to talk about this now. Sorry."

"No. I need to know," Lucy demanded, and as silence stretched on, she raised her voice. "Tell me, what did I do?"

Natsu hesitated, nervously tapping his fingers on the chair's armrest. "I found Grelod's corpse in the orphanage when I got there," Natsu said quietly. "You had probably… just left."

Lucy kept staring at him. "I… assassinated Grelod the Kind?"

Natsu nodded.

Lucy looked down, as if trying to put together the fragments of her memory, still finding nothing. "I can't believe I did it," Lucy muttered. "I… I must've fallen much deeper than I even thought. Me… a murderer?"

Natsu looked into her eyes, disheartened by the sadness in her. "I don't give a fuck about her death, really. The old crone got what she deserved," he said, "But you should've at least invited me along. I wish you hadn't gone out there alone… or that you would've trusted me enough to let me know what you were up to. If things hadn't gone as wrong as they did, that would've been the only thing that hurt me. Were you scared… of telling me?"

Lucy held her face still. "I can't remember. But I… I would have never murdered anyone. Not like that. I wouldn't have… lied to you. Deceived you. Gods." She sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

Natsu shook his head, not wanting her to apologize. "I should've seen how much you were suffering back then," he said. "I know it's pointless to talk about what ifs and what could've beens, but it's all I've been thinking these past days. I wish I had… been able to help you better. And now, all I can do, is to keep helping you." He paused. "If you just let me."

"I think," Lucy answered, "that I lost myself far before the Order captured me. Perhaps Grelod was just a start. This," she looked down at her shivering fingers, confusion in her eyes, as if she couldn't recognise those were her own hands, "shell, which has been nothing but a vessel where the darkness grows. Like a clay pot. When I break it… the shadows will disappear."

"No. The shadows won't just disappear. You don't end the pain by dying," Natsu muttered, his heart wrenching at her words. "You just give it to someone else.

"Who?"

"Me," Natsu answered, quietly as his voice fell apart. "If you die, you give your pain to me."

Lucy lowered her eyes to the bottle. Natsu couldn't know for certain what kind of poison it was – just some old deadly venom brewed by Helgen's alchemists, to assassinate some enemies at fancy dinner tables. If she'd drink that here and now, Natsu had no chance to heal her. His magic couldn't reach up to poison and tear it out of her veins. Maybe Gildarts could help, but he was out there, and by the time Natsu would get his help, Lucy would be already dead.

Yet somehow, Natsu knew that ridding the poison would not help until her heart was convinced that death would not be the exit.

"I was once so glad to have you by my side. I remember," Lucy started, shrugging, "yet faintly, how you told me not to go where you couldn't follow. But now that I've seen where my path leads," she paused for a deep breath, "It's time for us to part ways before I hurt you more than I already have."

Those words rang in Natsu's head like funeral bells, low and heavy. This just cannot be her, he thought, but realised he could no longer keep repeating this lie. A heart of stone, she stared into him with empty eyes. He just could not comprehend it, looking into someone he used to know, but didn't anymore.

"You're free of your oath now. You need to protect me no longer." Then she averted her gaze. "Thank you, for taking me back home. This is where your life continues, and mine does not."

All words Natsu attempted to say disappeared from him. Lucy put her hand on the table and reached across the wooden surface to him, her fingers stopping just an inch away from his. Shivering, Natsu moved his hand closer, until he touched her, ever so gently. Her skin felt cold as the grave, like the fire within her had already died.

"Maybe this would've been easier for you if you'd never known me at all," Lucy whispered. "If you had let me die here, long ago, you would've been spared from the pain. I've stained your soul in black. I'm sorry."

I fucking knew it.

She hates me for saving her life.

"Don't say that."

"If I'd known right from the start where this all would lead, I wouldn't have –"

"You really think you're the reason for my pain? That you're the only thing I suffered for?" Natsu managed to utter. "No, Lucy, you're wrong. So fucking wrong. I was in pain long before I met you. Didn't you see? I've been in pain my whole fucking life. You're the only one," he swallowed a sob, "you're the only one who made the pain disappear for a while."

Natsu let go of Lucy's hand and shielded his eyes as the tears fell.

"I just can't imagine you wanting me to give up," Natsu whispered with tears in his eyes, leaning his chin to his palm. "To give up on you."

As if everything he'd ever said and done to her just reverberate off the walls she made – like nothing, nothing ever mattered at all. She'd gone so far, far away from him, far from what they used to be – and he didn't know how to ever get her back. He could just yell to the void, hear the echo of his own voice, and she'd never answer to him with the voice he had known.

"There will be a time when I can no longer control this. This ice that flows in my veins, it burns, this insane pain," Lucy said. "And now here I end, where I begin. Now it's time for you to save yourself. Save yourself, from me. Before it's too late."

"I was –" Natsu stuttered, "I was doing this all for you." He squeezed the hand he held by his chin into a tight, trembling fist. "And now you're just going to… die? Fuck off? Goodbye and… godspeed?" He glanced into her. "What do you really think I will do? Just… move on as if we never happened, and wait for the end of the world?"

A moment passed on, and neither of them spoke a word. In that silence, Natsu realised he was getting angry. Angry at Lucy, angry because she was throwing it all away. The life they had lived, the bond they shared, the love that had grown between them, did it all just wither here this day? Was there really nothing, anything, that could pull her out of that gloom and convince her to face tomorrow?

Natsu had always been sure that he'd burn to ashes anything or anyone that would ever try to hurt her, but now, when she was the one inflicting the damage, he found himself utterly helpless. He had promised, as if known, that out of the two of them, he'd be the one who'd leave his world first. He just couldn't see any other way.

Would fate really go this wrong?

"Believe me," Lucy said calmly. "It's for the best."

"No, it's fucking not. It's just madness. You can't just give up the fight and leave me behind. Just let me," he swallowed another sob, "let me be the one who chases your demons away."

Tears rolled down his cheeks, and something within Lucy's calm surface cracked.

"You were begging me to not leave you alone in this world. In Forelhost, after we defeated Rahgot. You were crying for me not to die. Didn't that mean anything? Do you even remember that?" Natsu asked. "How can you just leave me now?"

"Because I want you to live," she whispered, now on the verge of tears too. "A long and happy life. You can't have that with me, so let me go."

Natsu stared down at the table. Ever since they escaped Forelhost, he'd held onto the hope of getting her back. He stayed awake just to watch her breathe, gave his everything to keep her safe and alive, and now she did not want it. He just couldn't rip this coldness from her eyes, couldn't make her smile again, it was all gone, forever.

"Lucy," he said, "if you leave me alone, you'll leave me more dead than you'll ever know."

Lucy fell silent. The fire roared in the hearth, shadows dancing across her face. As Natsu looked at her, he slowly realised he didn't even know what he felt anymore. Anger, for sure, yet there was too much sorrow in it to twist into a full-blown rage.

"Besides," Natsu cleared his throat, "Nobody is going to live a long and happy life if you die here. Did you forget about Alduin, too? Don't lie to me like this. If you think that, you don't really want me to live. You just want to get rid of me." He scoffed. "I bared my fucking soul for you, and this is all I get? What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Lucy answered, and from her voice he could hear she was holding back the tears. "I just want to protect you. Please, try to understand. You've already suffered so much while trying to keep me safe. And it's all been just a beginning." She wiped her eyes. "I am," she tried to say, but choked up, "I am so scared."

"Me too."

"While I was sleeping," she started, sobbing, "I finally discovered my fate." She glanced up at him, and now, fear filled the emptiness in her eyes. "In the end, my soul will be claimed by the Daedric Prince of Knowledge. Have you… heard of him?"

Natsu shook his head, surprised by how fast the storm within him stilled down. She'd been holding back these words for so long, words she never wanted to say – as if this all had been just a deception, but now the dam of secrets opened.

"I cannot speak his name," Lucy muttered, "but the Eye has appeared in my dreams too many times. I cannot look away from it. He's there, he speaks to me, he's trying to deal with me… but I know when it happens, I will be forever trapped in his service. Just like the First Dragonborn is."

"Just… wait a moment. What… exactly, has been going on in your mind?"

"The realm of the dead dragons," she answered, "they are all there. It's from where I sapped the power of dragons I've slain. They are still there, within my soul. And as I said, it's a gateway. I've been talking to the First in this place. I don't really know what he wants, but he taught me how to unlock the aspect of dragons and wield their magic." Lucy paused for a moment. "But the Prince is also there. I have been talking to him, too."

"You… you've talked to a Daedric Prince in your mind? All this time?"

"Since the Order captured me, yes."

"And that's why you want to die?"

Lucy fell silent, and suddenly, Natsu realised what it was all about. In his own heartbreak, he had taken it under his skin, when there were greater forces in the game than just him and her. She had carried it alone. All alone, gods knew how long.

I was so fucking blind.

"All paths lead to him. That's what he told me," she said, voice cracking. "And I don't want you to follow me on such a path. I want you… to avoid the same fate as me."

Then, Natsu stood from the chair, and tossed the poison bottle into the fire. The glass shattered, and the liquid sizzled as it burned away. Lucy flinched at the sudden act, but then he stepped toward her and caught her in his arms.

"For Sheogorath's sake, Lucy, I am not scared of any fucking Daedric Prince," he whispered in tears, squeezing her tight. "I'll walk down this path with you, wherever it leads. I'm with you, whatever happens. I'm never going to let you face it alone, do you understand? As long as I am here, no one can hurt you. Not ever again."

Lucy nodded, pressing her face against his chest as she wept. The tension in the air withered as she melted into his hold, finally safe from her demons. And as Natsu kept her so close, he knew deep in his heart that there was no difficulty that enough love would not conquer. It made no difference how deeply seated the trouble might be, how hopeless the outcome, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake – the bond between them, the love they shared, would dissolve it all.

And even without words, he was sure that Lucy knew it too.

Together, and only together, they'd be stronger than anything in this world.

"Promise me, Lucy," Natsu said, "Promise me you'll never look at your life as something insignificant again."

She struggled to speak from her weeping, but she clutched her fingers into his robes. "I'm sorry for what I've said and done," she mumbled. "I never wanted to hurt you, I just… I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want you to know. I thought… I really thought that's the only way to –"

Natsu hushed quietly. "If you're scared of me being angry at you, know that all that's done is forgiven. I just can't face this world without you, Lucy," he said, stroking her hair gently. "Just please, stay with me. We will heal. We'll heal from all of this. I don't know how, but we will figure it out. I'm sure of it. Not all hope is gone."

"I will," Lucy muttered, "I'll stay with you, I promise." She pulled herself back to look into his eyes. "But it's not going to be easy for us. The Order is still out there, as are the dragons, and the damned Daedric Lords that –"

"I know," Natsu answered. "But look at all we've been through already." He wiped the tears from her cheeks with her thumbs, and smiled through the sadness. "If this hadn't torn us apart, then nothing ever will."

A hint of a smile flashed on Lucy's face so briefly, but it withered as she burst into sobbing and leant on his chest again. He didn't ask her not to cry, for he knew these tears weren't of grief. These tears she cried burned a way through the ice that had grown between them, kept her imprisoned in the cell of her heart for too long.

And through them, he could finally reach out to her soul, and never let go again.

A/N: Ughh I cried like a baby while writing this chapter.

Lucy's fall was coming for a long time, and here I think she reached the rock bottom. It's a culmination of everything that happened to her along the story, and how she never really got a chance to heal from any of it. This will be a new beginning to her, in some way. The storyline will take quite turn here, but more will be revealed in the next chapter.

This chapter also reflected chapter 42, "The Breach", in many ways, yet Natsu's and Lucy's roles reversed. I wanted to bring some themes from Fairy Tail as well, mostly this "You don't die for your friends, you live for them." Originally, I planned very different things to happen at this part. They were supposed to return to Helgen for a long time, and there was supposed to be some sort of a conflict between them, but I changed my mind about what's that conflict would be dozens of times. I think this was most aligned with the story and the development between these two.

Natsu brought up the Grelod issue here, yet as we know, Lucy didn't actually kill Grelod. The question is, does it matter? There's going to be more about this, but right here Natsu just needed to decompress that right ahead - which might not have been the best choice, considering Lucy's mental state and the fact she didn't actually kill her, but I guess that show's how Natsu is also too tired and frustrated to always think his words through. He isn't perfect either, and he also fucks up.

Since I introduced Hermaous Mora into this story, I've wanted to slowly turn this Daedric Prince into the new antagonist. Considering this story is going to stretch over Dawnguard and Dragonborn DLC's of Skyrim, the last part will eventually deal a lot with Hermaous Mora. He's also a crucial character in the first part too though, as will be revealed later on.

Eeehh I guess this was all I had to say about this chapter!