From Wordwielder: Roast
Hello, everyone! Hello! Thanks for coming out tonight. I know it's a cold one out there. Tip your hansom cab drivers, folks. And let's hear it for the band! Not quite the London orchestra, but they'll do. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
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You know, I heard Holmes auditioned to play violin with them, isn't that right? But when he learned they don't exclusively play in the middle of the night, while everyone is trying to sleep, he lost interest.
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That's a bad habit, old chap! I heard his flatmates started hiding his violin just so they could get some rest. And we're not talking lullabies, folks. No. I've never heard someone make a violin sound so much like a dying cat before. It's a talent in itself!
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I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Holmes, you're a good sport. You're a busy guy, I know you don't have time to practice the violin. You're busy categorizing tobacco ash. What are you up to? One hundred strains? Holmes has a list of one hundred strains of tobacco. Well, to be fair, it's just his weekly list for his tobacconist order.
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Get a whiff of his breath and you'll know what I'm talking about. He's got an ashtray for a mouth! And you should hear him wheeze by the time he reaches the top of the Baker Street stairs. No wonder he has the number of steps memorized; he has to spend about a minute on each one!
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That's a nasty vice, old chap. A man of many vices! Might want to go easy on the cocaine, too. Repeat after me: cocaine and nicotine are not replacements for sleep.
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You know, it makes a lot of sense that he would want a doctor as a flatmate. You getting discount prescriptions, Holmes?
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He once told me he's not addicted to cocaine. He just likes the smell.
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No wait, you prefer an injection, don't you, Holmes? Have to save that nose for identifying odors on the job. Holmes keeps all his senses sharp: eyes, ears, nose. Just last week his nose was essential in the case of: which unwashed shirt is least offensive to wear outside?
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Unlaundered outfits aside, no one can say you don't have a unique sense of fashion. Must be one of those fields of study that you've sacrificed in favor of chemistry and British law. To be frank, Holmes certainly knows the law, but he doesn't always abide by it. How many break-ins are we up to now, old chap? Were those all really necessary? I guess he's clever, but not clever enough to play by all the rules.
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You're still well loved. Except for the suspects you badger. And most of Scotland Yard, whom you use as an intellectual punching bag. And your neighbors who wake up to the violin. And just about anyone that has to spend more than five minutes talking to you, especially if they're not fond of the smell of cigarettes.
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I kid, I kid. No, no, I'm not a kid. Don't get any ideas, I don't need a job. He's not the most progressive in terms of child labor, folks. They work cheap, those Baker Street rascals! Easy to replace, too.
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You're a good sport, Holmes. I'm sure you've deduced that this is all in good fun. Please, don't make any deductions about my mistress and tell my wife. Have a good night everyone! Safe travels!