Episode 5: Old Time Religion

[The screen square intro]

"I always try to do the right thing," said Josh.

"I like how I always talk first during the segments," said Drake.

"My stepbrother, Drake, isn't a bad person, but I always feel like he should be more considerate," said Josh.

"I've been mean to Josh in the past," said Drake.

"I mean, even I've been mean in the past," said Josh.

"But I apologized when he refused to help me and my grade started plummeting," said Drake.

"But still, I think that Drake shows less empathy then he should," said Josh.

"I can still have a little fun with my brother now and then," said Drake.

"Josh, can you help me?" said a voice.

"Not right now, Dad. I'm making a vlog," said Josh.

"I can still be allowed to be a bit of a prankster," said Drake.

"What's a vlog?" asked Walter's voice.

"Oh no, I've got to do something," said Josh, as he walked off the screen.

"I find pranking Josh so funny," said Drake. Suddenly, a worried look appeared on his face.

"It's not like my sister at all. It's totally different," he said.

[Screen square intro ends]

Josh was walking through the living room.

"Oh," he said. "It was a killer day at work. I'm so tired."

"Hey, Josh," said Drake, walking onscreen. "Do you always narrate your feelings when you come home?"

"Ha ha. Very funny, Drake. I'm going to bed," said his brother.

Josh walked towards his bedroom, but tripped over an ice skate and fell down. Drake laughed.

"What is this doing here?" said Josh angrily. "We don't even have ice skates."

He picked it up and walked to the door. Josh opened the door and tossed the skate out. There was a thud and a scream. Josh ignored it and walked offscreen.

"I have no idea what our schedules are," said Drake.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was walking through the house, bleary eyed. He met with Audrey.

"Hey, Mom," he said. "What time is it?"

Audrey looked around and said "It's half past something."

"Oh," said Drake, before sitting on the couch.

"Oh dear. Josh's shift starts at something fifty," said Audrey concernedly. "Drake, go wake your brother up."

"Sure thing, Mom," Drake said.

He walked into his room, where Josh was still laying in bed.

"I can still have a little fun," Drake said, smirking.

He picked up a bullhorn and walked over to Josh's bed.

Drake put on the most commanding voice he could and spoke to Josh through the megaphone.

"I AM THE SUPREME OVERLORD! YOU HAVE RUN FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, YOU PATHETIC CREATURE! GO AND SERVE YOUR MASTER WELL, AND DO NOT ABANDON DUTY AGAIN! I HAVE SPOKEN!"

Josh did not get up for a few seconds.

"Oh, well. I tried," said Drake and left the room.

Josh finally recovered from his shock and stood bolt upright in bed.

"OH MY GOD, I JUST LISTENED TO GOD!" he shouted.

[Theme song]

Well I never thought it would be so simple, but

I found a way, I found a way

If you open up your mind (See what's inside)

Gonna take some time to realign

Over your shoulder you know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up when you're down

So just turn around

Hoo!

Josh was behind the counter at the movie theater again. He looked awestruck.

"God just spoke to me," he said out loud.

"Yes, I did. I asked for a popcorn refill," said the person in front of him.

"That is very impolite," Josh said.

"Just give me a refill," said the customer.

"Okay, here you go," said Josh.

The customer went away with his refill. Helen walked towards Josh.

"Josh," she said. "I'm going to be throwing a dinner party with the other employees and Drake. I know you like shrimp, so we may give you a little portion if we feel like it."

"Not anymore, Helen," Josh said proudly. "I am not eating shrimp because I am doing my duty to God. I am His soldier."

"So, can we keep all the shrimp, then?" Helen asked.

Josh looked sad.

"Yes," he said painfully.

As Helen went away, Josh said "My boss doesn't make things easy for me. Helen doesn't either."

Josh abandoned the counter and Crazy Steve walked up to him.

"Hey, Josh. Do you want to eat this pork roast that I created by mistake?" Steve asked.

How do you make a pork roast by mistake? said Josh to himself.

"Get Gavin or Mindy to eat it," said Josh.

"Oh, I tried but they all think it's poisoned and it's not poisoned," Crazy Steve replied.

"I'm not going to eat it because God told me to follow His rules," Josh said.

"Well," said Steve softly before screaming. "TELL ME WHERE THIS GOD DUDE IS, SO I CAN BEAT HIM UP WITH A CROWBAR!"

Josh stared in silence.

"ONE DAY, WE ARE GOING TO GET YOU, JOSH NICHOLS!" Steve shouted.

Who is "we"? Josh thought to himself.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was in the house addressing his family.

"God spoke to me early this morning," Josh said.

But I didn't talk to him until he came home from work Megan said to herself.

"God spoke to you?" Walter asked.

"Yes, He told me to do my duty," said Josh. "I don't want to be the one who says "No" to Hashem."

Josh made a beheading hand gesture.

"Can I get one of those, um.. Jew hats?" Josh asked. "Either the big one or the small one?"

"I think the big one is called a Yakuza," said Drake.

I have almost no personality thought Audrey to herself.

"Josh, our family is secular. Secular!" said Walter, immitating his son's vocal tic.

"Can't you just find a Jew hat wherever you find that stuff you pull out of nowhere?" Drake asked. "Like when you put all that candy in our room?"

"I honestly have no idea where all that candy came from," Josh said.

"But you put it in our room! How did you get it?" Drake said.

"I forgot," Josh responded.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were in their room. Josh looked unhappy and Drake looked happy.

"I can't believe I have to give all this stuff up just because God told me to," Josh said.

"What stuff do you have to give up?" Drake asked.

"I can't eat shrimp any more, Drake, really big or otherwise."

"I guess you won't enjoy crushed Asians anymore," said Drake.

Josh gave him a brief confused look.

"I also can't eat ham," Josh continued. "Or bacon... or pepperoni... or cheeseburgers... or lobsters. I really don't control their death speed now."

"Oh, cool. You can give them to me," his stepbrother said.

"Drake!" shouted Josh.

"What?" Drake asked.

"I also can't celebrate Christmas anymore," Josh moaned. "No more presents from Santa."

"How many Christmasses have we had together?" Drake asked.

"Between zero and four," Josh answered tenatively.

"If our life really was a funny TV show, it would get hated right now," Drake said.

"Why is that?" Josh asked.

"Because it sounds like you're insulting Jews. The episode would be a fence sieve, like that Family Fellow cartoon that airs on Wolf," said Drake, mispronouncing "offensive".

"You're right," said Josh. "I must help the world with my mission from God,"

Suddenly, Megan walked in.

"Get out of our room," said Drake, routinely.

"Hey, boob and joob," said the little sister. "I learned something from my history class that will really wazz Josh off."

Megan then raised her right arm to a 135 degree angle and started goosestepping around the room. Josh screamed while Drake looked confused.

[Arrow transition]

Short scenes played out of Josh separating cheese from meat, putting on black clothes, reading from a website called , checking the calendar, and begrudgingly throwing hot dogs into the garbage. Each vignette is separated by an arrow.

Drake entered his room where Josh was. Drake looked mildly disappointed.

"I wish the Holocaust was real," Drake said.

"WHAT?!" Josh screamed.

"I said 'I wish the Holocaust was real'," Drake responded, nonplussed.

"Yeah, I got that part," Josh snapped, before punching Drake.

"Hey, what's going on?" Drake shouted as Josh continued to punch him.

"Do you have any idea how offensive what you just said is?" Josh shouted.

"What?" Drake said. "I just heard that Mystic Mountain wasn't opening the big ride, and you punch me."

"Mystic Mountain what?" Josh asked.

"They aren't opening the big ride they said they were going to. Don't take it out on me."

"That's the 'Holler Coaster', Drake," Josh said.

"Yeah, they cancelled it because someone complained. What are you mad at?"

"I thought you said 'Holocaust'."

"What's the diff?" Drake responded.

"The diff is pretty darn big!", Josh said, Joshily.

"I don't even know what Holocaust is," Drake said.

"Well, you should," his stepbrother said.

"Okay," Drake said before slapping Josh multiple times.

"WHAT'S THAT FOR!?"

"Payback."

[Arrow transition]

Josh was alone in his room, looking through a Torah.

I don't know why, but it feels like I've just listened to commercials for kids' toys, he thought to himself.

"I can't read this. There are too many angles and dots," he said putting the book down. "I'll have to use the other version."

He then pulled a Bible out of just off camera. Josh started flicking through it.

"Peter remembered and said to Geeze, 'Dude, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered.'," Josh read aloud.

"That's not my guy. I need to go back."

Josh flipped to another place in the holy book.

"Saul replied 'Say to David that the king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred boy thingy lids to take revenge on his enemies'. WHAT?"

Josh opened to another page.

"'At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's boy thingy lid and touched Moses's feet with it.' This is a weird book."

He opened to another section.

"If a man lies with... Woah! Oh, my! I better tell Craig and Eric!"

[Arrow transition]

Josh was sitting in front of Craig and Eric with a Bible in his hand.

"What's this all about?" said Eric angrily.

"You better not be trying to convert us to Christianity," said Craig.

"First off, why would I want to convert you to Christianity? And second off, are you ever seen apart? I have never seen just one of you by yourselves,"

"Eric and I were separated when he got popular for lying about when he punched Drake," answered Craig.

"It was my only chance to be popular. I wasn't going to continue being a nerd!" Eric shouted.

"What's wrong with being a nerd?" said Craig.

"Guys, guys. I came to talk to you about something I found out," said Josh.

"I'm not going to be friends with Geeze," Eric said.

"I'm not gonna talk to you about Geeze. I want to tell you some important information," Josh said.

"Fine. What is it?" said Craig.

"I was reading this book and- you know, you're Jewish, right- it said that if a man lies with a man as he does with a woman, that they should be killed."

"'Lies with'?" Eric repeated.

"Yeah, you know," said Josh. "You know, se-, um, inter-, SNOODLING!"

"And why are you telling us this?" asked Craig.

"Because, you are, you know, umm..." Josh started. "I think that you two, um... How do I put this? Um..."

The two nerds looked at him suspiciously.

"Uh... GOODBYE!"

Josh ran off camera.

Craig turned to the taller boy.

"Hey," he said. "Are we just friends or...?"

"I forgot," said Eric.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was sitting next to Josh on the couch. Drake looked nonplussed and Josh looked forlorn.

"Hey, Josh, you think I can light my guitar on fire and still play it?"

"Why don't you see if if you can shove your whole guitar down your mouth!?" Josh retorted.

"Why don't you ask my girlfriend about that?" Drake responded.

"Why would she know if you could swallow your guitar?"

Drake said nothing in response. Walter and Audrey were walking into screen in the background. They stepped closer to the camera.

"Josh, is everything okay?" asked Walter.

"We notice you've seemed upset," said Audrey, more observantly than usual.

"No," said Josh, mopily.

"'No' to which one?" Walter asked.

"Not everything is okay," Josh answered.

"What's wrong?" asked Walter.

"The other day, I got a message from God Himself."

"From God?" Audrey asked, incredulously.

"Yeah," said Josh. "He told me to do my duty, but it's hard. It's not easy being a good Jew. I have to change my diet so much, I have to cancel Christmas, AND, I have to burn all my TMS games."

"What are TMS games?" asked Walter.

"Only the greatest role playing game series in history! Techno Magical Smackdown. There are a bunch of gods and humans and stuff fighting, and you have to join a team and win. The final boss is the big guy, God!" Josh said.

"Why would someone make that a game series? It's sure to offend so many people," Walter said.

"Heh heh, TMS," Audrey snickered.

"If you don't want them anymore, I could have them," Drake suggested.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was sitting on the couch in his room looking put out. Drake entered the room.

"Still having God trouble, Josh?" he asked.

"Yes!" said Josh emphatically.

"So, Walter is Jewish?" Drake asked.

"Yes, but not religiously," his stepbrother answered.

"I didn't know that was a thing," said Drake.

"That's why she's not doing it in front of Dad," said Josh pointing off camera.

The camera panned out to reveal Megan with a fake mustache, standing on the bed and Hitler saluting.

"Okay, I just heard another one of those stupid laugh noises from nowhere!" Drake said. "Do you have any idea where they come from?"

"Let's talk about this later," said Josh. "I'm going to have to change my entire life."

"Josh, I have a confession to make. God didn't tell you anything; that was me."

"What?" Josh asked.

"It was me waking you up with the megaphone telling you to go to work."

"Well, that is a huge relief and also very disappointing," Josh said.

"You wont have to change after all," Drake said.

"Well, now I'm not doing it!" said Megan's voice from offscreen.

Josh, not looking at Drake, said "It's not okay to have to change your whole way of life because of one thing. Even if you are religiously Jewish."

"Dude, who are you talking to?" asked Drake.

"Those guys who film us. I didn't want to send a bad message."

"No one is filming us, Josh."

[Credits scene]

Josh watched the news on TV.

"There has been a neo-Nazi plot that was foiled," said the newscaster.

Josh looked closer.

"Some idiot was going to burn down a synagogue in San Diego, but he got hit in the head with an ice skate. Now he says he's not going to do that anymore."

Josh's thought process was visible onscreen. He was remembering.

"I dit it!" he shouted. "I did my duty to God after all!"