Episode 7: A Lifetime Movie
[Screen square intro]
"Is our life normal?" asked Josh.
"Who wants to have a normal life?" asked Drake.
"Lately, Mom has been watching some stuff on TV about dangerous households," Josh said.
"Mom said she was watching a show called 'Broken Home'. How do you break a home? It's so big," Drake said.
"Mom and Dad have also said 'Josh, don't get mixed up with bad people and don't receive gifts from strangers'. Is this a problem?" Josh asked.
"Mom and Walter tell me not to take gifts from strangers, but any gift you'd give to someone you don't know has gotta be lame," Drake mused.
"Everyone's talking about people being ordinary families until disaster strikes. But when is disaster?" Josh asked.
"My mom would probably worry less if she actually watched over us more, but I'm not gonna tell her that," Drake said.
"Of course, disaster has struck our family so many times, but we just don't tell Mom and Dad," said Josh.
"Parents should learn there's nothing to worry about," said Drake.
"Our secret lives may look dangerous, but we've made it out so many times," said Josh.
"So what? I've gotten kidnapped by criminals, survived a helicopter crash, and been sealed in a treehouse, but that's no reason for my parents to get worried," said Drake.
[Screen square intro ends]
The two boys were sitting in there room talking to each other.
"I think breasts are my favorite," Drake said.
"Yeah, well, I like thighs better," Josh responded.
"What's so great about thighs?" Drake asked.
"I just love the way they feel in my mouth," Josh said.
"Well, breasts feel just fine in my mouth, even though Mom's always saying 'You can eat the whole chicken'."
"All chicken parts are okay," Josh said.
Suddenly, Audrey called into the room.
"Boys, I need to talk to you in the living room."
Josh looked confused and walked out of his room. Drake rolled his eyes and followed. D and J arrived in the living room to find Walter and Audrey there. Megan was there too, on a laptop.
"I've been meaning to tell you something very important," Audrey said.
The boys looked at her incredulously while Megan kept using her laptop.
"I've been hearing about normal families having disasters. I want to keep this family safe. Every two hours, a child in America goes missing."
"He must be really bad at running away," Drake said.
"This is serious," said Walter. "There's a lot of shocking reports about kids like you."
Megan looked up from her laptop and said "It's true. A boy in my class was found with inappropriate photos of Catholic priests on his computer."
Audrey looked at her strangely and continued. "I want you all to promise me to be very careful. I've been watching these made for TV movies, and it doesn't seem to good for upper middle class white people out there."
Megan was too distracted by her laptop to care, while the boys looked exasperated.
"Yes, we'll be safe, Mom," said Drake.
"Wait," said Walter to his wife. "A lot of those made for TV movies have abusive husbands. You're not worried about me, are you?"
"No, Walter," she said. "I think you're too bumbling and humorous to be a threat to me."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, YOU STUPID GANK?" Walter roared, uncharacteristically, to give it a punchline.
[Theme song]
Well, I never thought it would be so simple, but
I found a way, I found a way
And if you open up your mind (See what's inside)
It's gonna take some time to realign
Over your shoulder, you know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up when you're down
So just turn around
Hoo!
Walter and Audrey were watching the news on TV.
"We have news from the reclusive nation of Yudonia," said the announcer.
Josh, who was sitting at the table walked closer to the TV.
"Our latest sources indicate that Yonka Nozov, brother of Yudonian dictator Ripma Nozov has been executed along with his wife and daughter. He was known for his corruption and lavish spending, including trying to by an American baseball team. It would seem that he spent too much government money."
Josh went bug-eyed as he heard the news and ran offscreen.
"Those names sound familiar to me," Audrey said to her husband.
"DRAKE, GET DOWN HERE!" Josh called from offscreen.
Josh walked back onto the screen with his brother following.
"What's going on, Josh? Why are you yelling?" he asked.
Josh sighed.
"Drake, you're a widower now," he said.
"I don't recall ever having widowed," he said.
"Yooka's dead," Josh said. "My former E-pal and your accidental wife is dead along with her parents."
"Yeah, right. Did Megan tell you that?"
"No. I heard it from the news."
"Woah," said Drake going into his shocked face.
"I knew I had heard those names before," Audrey said.
"Oh, no. Now I'm never gonna get that money," said Drake.
"DRAKE!" Josh shouted.
"What?"
"My E-pal is dead."
Walter turned to Audrey and said "Yooka's family were government officials?"
"That would explain how her father had so much money and could annull a marriage all by himself," said Audrey. "I never knew Yudonia was a corrupt dictatorship."
"That does explain things," Walter agreed.
"Like why there's only been one film produced there, and why I could only find one Yudonian in San Diego," Josh said.
Audrey stood up.
"Boys," she said. "You almost got mixed up in this. Your lives are much too dangerous. You need to be a lot safer."
The boys sighed. In her room, Megan closed her laptop and said "He's coming over tomorrow. Yes!"
[Arrow transition]
The three siblings were sitting in the living room in a way that makes memories of the 2000's flood back to the viewer. Josh was drinking a soda.
"Why do they call them kidneys if adults have them too?" Drake asked.
"Huh?" asked Josh.
"Why do they call it a braincase if there isn't a brain inside yours?" Megan said.
That was a good one, Josh thought to himself. If she says something too surprising, I might spill this.
"How come we've never seen our backyard? And I can't remember the rest of the house either," said Drake.
Josh and Megan both looked ready to snap at him, but then made agreeable faces.
"I'm so excited because Jack is coming tomorrow!" Megan said, girlishly, before remembering where she was.
"That is... not interesting," Drake said.
Megan looked hurt.
"If you must know, he's not a usual acquaintence," Megan said.
"Oh, really?" Drake asked.
"Yeah," said Megan. "He's gonna teach me some special things."
Josh spilled the soda on his face and clothes.
"What things will he be teaching you?" Josh shouted.
"Wouldn't you like to know, you boob?"
"You said the Jack dude would be teaching you things?" Drake asked.
"As a matter of fact, I did," Megan said, proudly.
"Would you mind telling us what he'll be teaching you?" Josh asked.
"Well, Soda Boob, he'll be teaching me how to make better traps, tie better knots, and handle knives better. You'd better watch out."
"What?" shouted Drake.
"You heard me," Megan said. "I met him online, talking on the deep web. Some guy recommended him to me, saying he knew how to do those things. I started up an online friendship with him, I sent pictures of myself, and I asked for special lessons. I'll be unstoppable."
"Why are you telling us this?" asked Josh.
"Because I don't think you can do a thing to stop me," Megan said.
She then walked out of the room like Darth Vader. The boys looked at each other.
"OH, MAN! THIS IS BAD!" they both shouted at the same time.
[Arrow transition]
The boys were once again in the front room. They had determined looks on their faces. Walter and Audrey were there, too, looking bored.
"What are you trying to tell us?" asked Walter.
"Just you wait and see," said Josh.
"You two boys are always doing crazy things," Audrey said.
"Well, Mom," said Drake. "It's time we expose the truth to you. Megan! Megan, get down here!"
"Mom, would you please call your daughter down here?" Josh said.
"Oh, alright," said Audrey. "Megan, please come to the front room."
"If I had a dime for every time you've blamed her for something, I'd need to get all those dimes exchanged for a larger denomination," said Walter.
Megan arrived in the room.
"Hello, my beloved mother and stepfather," she said, putting on airs. "What have my horrid brothers said about me now?"
When she said "about me now", it was to the tune of the song "About You Now"
"Megan, I'm starting to think you misbehave, too," Walter told his stepdaughter.
"That's a lie!" she said, indignantly.
"Oh, is it?" said Drake. "Josh, bring me the laptop."
"I thought you had it."
"No, you have it!"
"Alright," Josh said, before it could erupt into a fight.
He looked around and pulled out Megan's laptop from nearby. Megan gasped.
"Don't steal your sister's laptop!" said Audrey.
"Whatever," said Drake. "It's got evidence on it."
"She made a website where she shows what she did to us," Josh said.
"Why didn't we do this a whole bunch of episodes of life ago?" Drake asked.
"Because we inconveniently forgot it," Josh said.
"Oh, yeah," Drake replied.
"Let me just type in the name. It's meganparker .com," Josh said. "And... it's blank."
"What?" Drake shouted.
"I said 'it's blank'," Josh replied.
"Yeah, I know that," said Drake, irritatedly.
"It's gone now," said Megan. "The stupid FBI took it down, just because I'm a minor and uploaded 'daily boob clips'."
She was referring to the clips of her brothers. Walter and Audrey gasped.
"Megan, that was dangerous. You don't know who could be watching," Audrey said, shocked.
"No one, anymore," Megan said.
"Heh, heh, boob clip," said Drake.
"Do not make a website ever again," said Audrey to her daughter.
Megan glared at her.
"And she was also talking to some guy named Jack online. She said he was gonna teach her things," Josh said.
"Megan, never do that," Walter said.
"HUG ME, BROTHER!" Josh called, and he and Drake hugged.
[Arrow transition]
The two boys were again in their room. Josh was sitting on his bed, reading a book. Drake was on his bed using a laptop.
"Josh, do you think that lobsters or hobos can be used for comedy?" Drake asked.
"No, I don't think that could ever work," Josh replied. "I'm trying to study for English class."
"We haven't been to school in some time, I don't think we're going back."
"Yeah, and I haven't been to my job in a while, either," Josh said. "Something weird is going on."
The cameraman's finger was briefly visible on the corner of the screen. Josh went back to reading his book and Drake but on headphones and put the laptop down.
Drake started bobbing his head up and down.
When do I go to work? Have I missed work? Will Helen be mad at me? Josh thought to himself.
Drake started air guitaring. Megan walked into the room, looking mad and determined.
"Get that big boob off his shriekbox," Megan said to Josh. "I have an announcement."
Josh went over to Drake and tapped him on the shoulder. Drake turned it off.
"Drake, guess who's in our room," Josh said.
"Kirk Hammet?" Drake replied.
"Who's Kirk Hammet?" Josh asked.
"No, you idiot, it's me," Megan said.
"Oh, hey, Megan. You better not be doing anything bad."
"I came to tell you that Mom and Walter are out disappearing, so I'm about to meet Jack Broadside from the internet, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."
She twirled around and left the room.
"So, who is this Jack dude? I'm looking him up," Josh said, taking the laptop off Drake's bed.
He started typing on it.
"Jack Broadside is... a suspect in the murders of fifteen preteen girls. Oh, this is bad. This is real bad."
"Ha. Maybe someone's finally gonna teach Megan a lesson," Drake said as Josh read further.
"Well, if someone shoved a screwdriver up your anus, I think you'd see it differently," Josh said.
"Heh heh, you said 'your anus'."
"Huh?"
"Like the planet."
[Arrow transition]
On a street, a beat up old ice cream truck was driving. It stopped in front of a young girl, who was not Megan, and the window rolled down.
"Hey, kid," said the driver. "Get in the car if you want some candy."
"You have candy?" she asked.
"Yes. I'll give it to you if you get in with me," said Jack.
"Give it to me now."
"Not until you get in with me."
"Why don't you just give me the candy now?"
"Look kid, you're gonna have to get in the car."
"Give me the candy right now, you loser."
Jack Broadside was losing his patience.
"Listen, you stupid kid, I am only going to give you the candy if you step inside this car!Do you understand that?"
"Why don't you go jump in a lake?"
"Why don't you play with a missile? I'm tired of this. I've got somewhere to be!" Jack said before driving off.
The ice cream truck turned another corner and the scene shifted. The image of the vehicle was poorly edited on top of the main characters' stock photo house.
"These annoying kids," Broadside said. "They are the worst part of my hobby."
Megan was standing on the doorstep. She looked ticked off.
"Hey, Jack! What took you so long? My brothers think I left fifteen minutes ago."
"Don't get snappy with me, kid. I met you on the internet, right?"
"Yes, I'm Megan Parker. We were chatting for a while."
"Oh, yeah. It's coming back to me."
"I want you to show me those special skills you promised," Megan said, quickly walking towards his van.
"Okay, but I might need to take a pill first."
The scene was now back in the living room.
"DRAKE!" shouted Josh. "I was just looking through the window, and I saw Megan get into a truck and drive away."
"Strange," said Drake. "All I can see when I look through is a studio backlot."
Josh looked confused, but said "WE NEED TO GO SAVE MEGAN!"
[Arrow transition]
Megan was on a new set: in the truck with Broadside.
"So, you said you would show me your special skills?" Megan asked her captor.
"Yeah," Jack Broadside responded. "People say you're too young, but you're alright for me."
"Thank you. I just noticed that the door is locked. Hopefully I can pick it."
"Huh, yeah, whatever," Broadside said. "So, when will your parents next come home?"
"I honestly have no idea," Megan said, truthfully.
"Wonderful," said Broadside with an evil smile.
The scene shifted. The two boys were outside in San Diego with frantic looks on their faces. They both had binoculars.
"Oh, man, we're in trouble," said Drake.
"You said it, man," said Josh.
"What's she gonna do to us after he's taught her lessons?" Drake said.
"DRAKE!" Josh shouted exasperatedly.
"What?"
"If we don't find her, she's not going to come back. Because she'll be dead. And we'll be responsible. And our lives will be ruined. And hers will be over."
"I'm not so worried about that," Drake said. "I'm not so sure anyone in this family can actually die. Haven't you noticed?"
"Yeah, I've noticed," said Josh quietly, before loudly saying "But I don't want to test that!"
They continued to run.
"How could she have fallen for his tricks?" Josh said. "I guess it's true that the most evil people have the biggest personality."
"I noticed that way before you did," said Drake. "I've lived with her her whole life."
Josh looked flabbergasted.
[Arrow transition]
Walter was standing on a new set.
"I hope my children are finally safe," he said. "My wife's been so worried."
Megan was still sitting in the truck with Jack Broadside.
"Hey, I see you've got a drill in here," she said. "I've always wanted to use them."
"What?" Broadside said, surprised.
"I've also want to know how to clean some blood. The guy who told me about you said you knew how to do that," Megan said.
"You are one weird kid," Jack said.
"Thank you," said Megan. "But where are you taking me?"
"Somewhere where no one will find us," said Broadside.
Drake and Josh were running along the streets. They passed a guy wearing a shirt that said "I know things".
"Did you see a small white truck go by?" Drake asked.
"Yes, I did," said the man. "I saw it about two months ago. Do you want more of my extreme knowledge?"
"Ohhh!" said Josh. "Another false hope! We've tried about forty zillion and two people and no one's seen it."
"If you want to see one so bad, just go to an automotive dealer. Super Knowledge Guy out," said the man before running away.
"Our sister's going to be raped and murdered and there's nothing we can do," Josh moaned.
"What's rape?" Drake asked.
"I don't know exactly, but it's the thing R. Kelly got in trouble for recently."
"Who's R. Kelly?" Drake asked, making Josh look confused. "I know Gary Glitter got in trouble for that too."
"Who's Gary Glitter?" Josh asked.
[Arrow transition]
The San Diego psychopath was still in the truck with Jack Broadside.
"Why are we going so far away?" she said.
"Because I don't want people finding out what I'm about to do," Jack honestly answered.
"You haven't done anything yet," said Megan. "Which tool are you going to demonstrate first?"
"You'll see soon enough," Jack responded.
The scene shifted. Drake and Josh were now slowing down in their run across the streets. They were panting.
"This is the end," Drake said.
"We'll never be able to find them in time," Josh agreed.
The two that they were looking for were still in the truck. Jack pulled out a scalpel.
"Oh, I love those things," said Megan. "I want to use it on my boobs."
"I'm gonna use it on your boobs," Broadside said.
"You don't even know my brothers," she replied.
"What?" Broadside asked.
"I want to make my boobish brothers pay for existing. They will know my wrath."
Jack looked weirded out.
"I see you've got ropes in here, too," Megan continued. "Will you show me how to tie the right knots?"
"You are one strange but hot child," Broadside said with a very concerned expression. "I'm going to teach you, just to be nice."
"Thank you," Megan said. "I also wanna know how to get fingerprints off of tools, and how to stimulate the pain nerves I heard about in science class."
I wish I could call the police on her, Jack thought to himself.
[Arrow transition]
The titular boys were sitting at a park bench looking miserable.
"It's all over now," Josh said.
"I think it's too late," Drake said.
"Our sister is gone. Poor Megan," Josh said.
"I'll be relieved when she's gone, but I'll still miss her," Drake said.
"It's the same with me," replied Josh. "You knew her longer than me. Was she always like that?"
"She used to be a cute but bad tempered child. She was always mean to me since she could walk. It was good at first, but it got so bad I don't know if I love her."
"I feel like that too. Still, I'll miss her," said Josh.
"I'm going to cry both kinds of tears," Drake said.
"I'll be leaving flowers and confetti on her grave," said Josh.
"Do you want to get something to eat?" Drake asked.
Megan was not dead, and still in Jack's truck.
"I do not want to hear anymore about Christina Aguilera!" Jack shouted.
"Well, I thought we'd have gotten there now," Megan snapped.
"You keep asking if we're there yet, like that scene from Shrek 2."
"That's a good movie," Megan said.
"It is," Jack agreed. "Hey, we're finally there."
The truck stopped and the two of them got out.
"This desert looks like a greenscreen in a sandbox," said Broadside, grabbing Megan's thigh.
"Dude, why are you grabbing my pants?" asked Megan, pulling away from him. "Just teach me the stuff."
"I haven't come to teach you anything. I've come to rape and kill you," Jack said.
"Well, why didn't you say so!" Megan snapped, retreating into the truck.
[Arrow transition]
The two boys were in the living room, looking glum.
"There's no way we're going to explain this to Mom and Dad," Josh said. "This family is broken."
"When do they get home?" Drake asked.
"How am I supposed to know?" Josh responded.
"I know it looks hopeless, but I get the feeling we'll see her again. Like nothing that big could ever change in our lives in the middle of a season," said Drake.
"I feel it, too. I guess we'll only find out in time," Josh said.
Back in the desert, there was quite a scene. A bloodsoaked Megan was putting the last toebone into the ribcage of the corpse of Jack Broadside.
"There's only one biggest psycho of San Diego now. I have kept my life, my veganity, and my title," Megan said proudly.
She turned to the truck and spoke again.
"You did teach me one valuable lesson, Jack from the internet. I am wearing these gloves that I will throw in the ocean when I'm back home. No fingerprints. It's gonna take a while to get home, because I can't drive yet."
She walked off camera.
[Credits scene]
Megan was splashing in someone's backyard kiddie pool, fully clothed, getting the blood off.