Summary:
Helen learns about Max's childhood; After officially moving to Geneva, Helen finally has a much needed conversation with an old friend
Author's notes:
Thank you so much for your patience! Life has been pretty hectic over here, plus I was suffering from writer's block. I also became an aunt since the last time I posted! My niece is the cutest funniest 3-month-old! I hope you enjoy this chapter! I switched the POV for one of the sections to shake things up a bit.
Sunday, August 27th, 6:30 p.m., London
It's an exciting day! Max and Helen spend the morning at their twelve-week ultrasound. Luna tags along, asking lots of questions about the medical equipment, pregnancy, and how babies are born.
The appointment goes as well as could be expected. The baby is very active with a rapid, strong heartbeat, and is growing right on track. Based on the baby's size and the dates Helen gives her doctor, the due date is March 11th, 2024. Because she's considered high risk due to her age (now forty-four), Helen and Max also order a blood test to check for any chromosomal abnormalities, as well as to determine the baby's gender. The results should come via email in a week or two. And Helen's doctor will set up all her medical information to be transferred over to her new OB/GYN in Geneva.
After settling Luna in with a sitter for the night, Max takes Helen on a much-needed date; the night they officially got back together is the only time they've gone out since Helen went back to London after her stroke. They go to a high-end modern English restaurant in Camden they've been to a few times. It's fancy: forest green walls dimly lit by lanterns and candles, with mahogany chairs and a burgundy velvet bench along the wall. Max and Helen sit in a small curved booth towards the back of the room, enjoying the bit of privacy it provides.
As soon as the waiter has taken their order, Max slides down the booth closer to Helen and wraps his arm around her waist. "I missed this, taking you out, showing you off." Max kisses Helen's shoulder and possessively presses his other hand to her stomach. Her emerald satin dress is soft and thin, allowing him to feel the curves of her body. "You always look beautiful, but tonight, you're drop-dead gorgeous!"
Overcome by the sexy low tones of Max's voice, Helen tries to calm her racing heart. "Alright, paws off, mister," she teases, brushing his hands away.
"Why? Do you find this a little…" Max firmly kisses just behind Helen's ear, then on her neck, "distracting?"
Focus! "Oh, shut it! Save your appetite for later." Max knows the power he has over Helen, especially in any kind of formalwear. Tonight, it's a tight three-quarter-sleeve white dress shirt with the two top buttons undone that draws Helen's gaze. Max looks rather dashing! But that doesn't mean she's going to give him the satisfaction of saying so. Yet. "Right now, I want to speak to you about something."
"Okay..."
Helen escapes Max's grip, but to assure him everything is alright, she interlocks their fingers and squeezes his hand. "Have you reviewed the list of couples therapists I sent you?"
"Umm, sort of… 'Review' might be too loose a word, I'd say I skimmed it."
"Max," Helen chides, giving him a disappointed glare, "this is important. I really want to give our relationship the best chance."
"I know, I know, I'm gonna do it, I swear." Max has always hated accepting help. It makes him feel weak and like a failure. So the thought that he and Helen could benefit from counseling only makes it feel like their relationship is a failure too. Well, come to think of it, they failed the first time around. Maybe she's got a point. "Tell ya what, after the move, let's sit down and look over it together."
"Alright…" she says, still skeptical.
"I'm serious. Hold me to it."
Helen nods and kisses Max's shoulder. "Thank you."
"What are you doing about your personal therapist?"
"Well, I've worked through enough of my baggage that I'm only going on an as-needed basis. So she said we can do virtual visits."
"That's great!"
"She's excited for me, for us, and wants my transition to be as smooth as possible." It took a while for Helen to get comfortable with Dr. Okai, and starting over with someone new would be a grueling, difficult process. "Especially with this little one on the way," Helen adds, caressing her lower abdomen.
Max's hand joins Helen's over their baby. "It was so cool seeing Nugget again today!"
"Yeah, it was!" At their ultrasound four weeks ago, their baby looked more or less like a kidney bean. This time, it looked like an actual baby: a head more proportional to the length of its torso and all four limbs flailing about. No pregnancy is risk-free, even after twelve weeks, but Helen feels more optimistic that she'll carry to term, no doubt encouraged by Max. "Have you… though any more about names?"
"Oh, uh, no, not really. I thought we were waiting til we find out whether it's a girl or a boy. Why? Do you have something in mind?"
"Well, I was thinking, Leo might be nice for a boy."
Max's mouth droops and twitches, displeasure evident on his face.
"What's the matter? You don't like it? I thought it was a good and strong name."
"No, it's not that, I… yeah, objectively, it's a nice name. It's just… Leonard is my dad's name, but he went by Leo. It's my middle name too."
"Oh." Helen hasn't heard more than a few sentences about the man, but from what she's gathered, Max's father was a terrible parent. "I didn't know." She didn't even know Max's middle name.
"It's not your fault. I never told you. I don't like thinking about him."
"What was he like?"
It doesn't escape Max's attention that Helen is speaking about his father in the past tense, making it sound like he's dead. And in a way, he is: dead to Max, a ghost that still sometimes haunts him. "Let's just say there's a reason I don't want him anywhere near you and Luna."
"Max," Helen guides his face to look at her, unsatisfied with the answer, "you can talk to me. You don't have to carry this burden alone anymore."
Just last weekend, Max reminded himself he needs to open up to Helen about his parents. It's her touch and soft gaze that give him the strength. "My childhood wasn't all that bad at first. Or maybe it was I was just too little to notice. My parents were part of the socialite crowd. Mom, Charlotte, ran the household and organized fundraisers and events and that sort of stuff. Dad worked a lot, a typical upper-class Wall Street douchebag who owned an investment banking company. So they didn't spend as much time with me and Luna as they should have. But we would all go to Cold Spring sometimes for the weekend."
"What did you do whilst staying there?"
"We toured the town, went swimming, rented a boat on the river. Luna skipped rocks. I hurled mine." Max quietly chuckles at the memory. "The specifics are a little blurry." He can't remember much from those days, either due to being so young when they stopped going or because he blocked some of it out. "After Luna died, everything changed."
"How did she die?"
"When she was eight, Luna had her appendix out. Two days after she came home, her incision got all red and itchy. My mom called the doctors about it, but they said that redness at the incision site was normal, and to come back in a week or two if she hadn't gotten any better. A few days later, Luna developed chills, a fever, and shortness of breath. So my parents took her to the ED at New Amsterdam. They found out that the equipment the surgeons used for her appendectomy was contaminated, which led to an infection. But by then, it had reached her bloodstream and heart. There wasn't anything the doctors could do, and she ended up dying of sepsis. That was when I knew I wanted to be a doctor, to prevent other families from going through the same thing."
"I'm sorry. That must have been difficult, losing your sister so young."
Max offers Helen a halfhearted smile of appreciation. "Death is hard on anyone, but it pretty much broke our family. I lost my best friend, Mom drowned herself in her grief, and Dad was just angry all the time. At the universe and hospital, mostly. But also at my mom. He blamed her for what happened. He thought she should have been monitoring Luna's recovery better. So he became a bitter, resentful workaholic, and after a while, he… he…"
"Yes?" Helen gently scratches the hair at the base of Max's neck, trying to coax the words out of him.
Max huffs as the weight of the memory drags him down. "Well, he was so consumed by anger that he became violent and emotionally abusive to my mom. Screaming, gaslighting, manipulation, smashing things during arguments, you name it. He hurt her on rare occasions, mostly slaps and physical restraint. But it was infrequent enough that my mom held out hope that he'd change. She always made excuses for him."
Helen unsuccessfully tries to mask her evident shock and concern. "Did he… hurt you too?"
"Ya know, the occasional butt-whoopin' for misbehaving. Although Mom would usually handle those because she'd go easier on me than my dad. Other than that, when I was about thirteen, I yelled at him after he shoved my mom against the wall, and he smacked me across the face. He said he'd hit me harder if I ever disrespected him again. He never did, but I spent pretty much my whole childhood afraid of my own father. So I told myself, if I ever had my own family, I would do things differently."
Everything about Max makes sense now: his gentle and nurturing spirit, how fully and openly he loves, in spite of his upbringing. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are making her overly emotional, but hearing about the awful things Max has been through is too much for Helen to handle. She chokes back a whimper as tears slip down her cheeks.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm okay now," Max assures Helen.
"No, it's… not okay!" she squeaks in between sobs, made worse by the knot in her throat. "You can't even… bloody hear his name without… going right back there!" The clinking of silverware and quiet chatter from the other guests ring in Helen's ears, reminding her they're not alone. Embarrassed by the scene she's causing, Helen buries her face in Max's shirt to muffle the sounds she's emitting. As she trembles and weeps, Helen can just barely make out Max's quiet shushing sounds as he rubs her back. It takes her a solid minute to calm down, finally releasing a shuddering sigh against Max's chest before gazing up at him. "I'm sorry, I was supposed to be comforting you."
Max brushes the remnants of tears from Helen's face. "No, don't be. It just means you care."
"We're tethered together. Whatever happens to you affects me too. Nobody, let alone a child, should have to experience what you did."
"It's shaped who I am today, which led me to you. So in a way, I'm grateful. I just… hope I can give you, Luna, and Nugget the love you deserve." With such a terrible role model, can he really be an adequate father and husband... uhh, partner?
Helen leans up and presses a simple but firm kiss to Max's lips, then rests their foreheads together. "You are."
Throughout dinner, conversation turns to more pleasant topics. Max talks about his favorite things to do in Geneva, how working at the W.H.O. compares to New Amsterdam, and that he's been trying to learn a little bit of French, making a joke about implementing it in the bedroom. Helen describes the nervous excitement about her new job at the children's cancer clinic and the upcoming move, as well as things she will miss about living in London. Since Max has been just kinda winging it with Luna, they discuss parenting styles and tactics they'd like to consciously implement with her and their new little one. Towards the end of the meal, Helen watches in a daze as Max animatedly gushes with pride about the compassion Luna shows towards him and everyone she meets. Regardless of whether nature or nurture is more responsible, Max is clearly doing something right in the parenting department.
When they leave the restaurant, Helen tugs on Max's hands before he can hail a cab. She's not ready for the night to be over, so they walk along the lively street arm in arm. And there are still some things about Max's past she wants to know. "Max, did you keep in contact with your mother when you started at Brown?"
"Yeah. We were never super close, but I called to check in on her every once in a while and tried to convince her to leave my dad. But she was really involved in the D.A.R. and worried about how that would look to their socialite friends. She didn't get the guts to do it until after I officially started my med program."
"Better late than never, I suppose."
"You'd think so. A year later, she married a guy in Arizona who was no different. Butch." Just saying the name makes Max shudder in disgust.
"Oh, yes, that's right. You did tell me that. Have you ever met him?"
"Once. Mom brought him to mine and Georgia's engagement shower. Everything about him screamed bad news. I could just tell he made my mom uncomfortable. An hour into the party, I caught him in the hallway gripping her wrists, hovering over her all intimidating." The scene is still etched in Max's brain, how helpless his mother looked, her shaky voice begging Max not to stir up trouble as she rejoined the other guests. "For a month, I tried to get her to leave him too, but she kept denying anything was wrong. And calling the cops wouldn't do any good without cold, hard evidence, plus it might have made things worse for my mom. I offered that she could stay with me and Georgia or we could put her up somewhere for a while. But at some point, I had to let it go, and haven't heard from her much since. She didn't even come to the wedding."
During Georgia's funeral four and a half years ago, it didn't escape Helen's attention that neither of Max's parents were present. She now wonders if either of them even knew Max had cancer, or if they would have shown up had he died.
"I keep wracking my brain, thinking there was something more I should have done." It's been eating him up for the better half of a decade. "I've tried to make peace with it, but leaving her to fend for herself makes me feel like a bad son."
Helen can't believe her ears! She pulls them to the side of the pavement so as not to be in the way and grabs Max's shoulders, making him look at her. "Max, you listen here and you listen closely! Two weeks ago, you said it was perfectly alright that I stopped trying with my mother for the sake of my mental and emotional well-being. And now I'm telling you the same thing. You tried your hardest for as long as you could. But you can't help somebody who doesn't want it. As long as she knows the offer still stands if she ever changes her mind, then you've done all you can." Helen firmly grips Max's chin as she drives her point home. "You are not a bad son! I don't want you speaking about yourself like that ever again! Do you understand?!"
Max is overcome with emotion, predominantly guilt for suggesting such a thing. But also amazement as he stares at Helen in awe. Growing up, Max was always begging for his parents' love and attention. He got the sense that they loved Luna better, she was better at school and more well-behaved. But Helen makes him feel like he's enough just as himself.
Max's gaze is so intense it brings a blush to Helen's cheeks. "What?"
"I… really love you. Like a lot."
Helen pulls Max in for a brief but forceful kiss, lips still brushing as she whispers, "I really love you too."
Sunday, September 3rd, 7:15 a.m., Geneva
The past week has been long and exhausting packing up Helen's flat. She gave back the keys to the landlord and flew back to Geneva with Max and Luna on Thursday, but the last of her stuff came in the mail yesterday afternoon. After a long night of unpacking, Max and Helen hoped to sleep in, but it seems Luna has other plans.
Helen bolts upright, hand on her chest, startled awake by upbeat music.
"?Mum!?Dad!?Bingo!?Bluey!?"
"Mmm, come back to bed," Max mumbles, reaching for Helen, undeterred by the theme song coming from the iPad.
It's been a while since Helen's been woken up to peppy children's music, and she hasn't quite grown reaccustomed to it. Helen plops back down on her pillow, snuggling against Max's chest as he drapes his arm over her. She tries to focus on the simple pleasures of being in Max's embrace: the warmth of his chest, his steady, comforting heartbeat, the softness of his t-shirt bunched in her fist. She's missed this!
Just as quickly as they began, the distracting sounds stop, followed by the rattling of the doorknob. Thank the lord for locks! "Mummy! Daddy! The iPad's not working!"
Helen quietly groans. Maybe if we ignore her, she'll go away. She feels guilty for thinking it, but she'd like a slow, peaceful morning.
The doorknob rattles again, then Luna knocks. "Mummy! Daddy! Wake up! I need help!"
Max sighs and kisses Helen's forehead. "I'll get it." Muscles a little stiff and sore, Max struggles to get out of bed, then opens the door. "Hey Lu, Lemme see it." Max examines the electronic device, but the low power symbol pops up when he tries to turn it on. "Sorry, kid. Looks like it's out of battery."
"Ooooohhh!" Luna groans, crossing her arms.
"You don't need to start the morning by watching a show every day. How about you help me make breakfast?"
"No!"
"Okay, looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Let's set you up with a book instead." Max turns back to look at Helen, face half buried in the pillow. "Hey babe, you wanna join us?"
Helen had been partially zoned out, staring at Max's back muscles, appreciating how the shirt fabric clings to his defined shoulder blades. It takes a moment to redirect her gaze to his face. "No, I… I think I'm going to do some yoga." She's still waking up and needs a bit of peace and quiet.
"That's fine. Take your time."
While Max starts prepping ingredients for a breakfast hash, Helen practices yoga on the back patio balcony, enjoying the sunrise. She usually saves this ritual for the evening, but her body has been pretty achy lately, partly due to growing a tiny human, but more recently because of the move and adjusting to a new bed.
Yoga has so many benefits, she's been practicing for years. It's only natural to continue throughout pregnancy. She also plans to take an official birthing yoga class in her third trimester. In Lotus Pose, Helen places her hands on her stomach. She's still just barely showing. According to her doctor, even though the baby is already squirming, wiggling, and kicking, Helen likely won't be able to feel it for another few weeks. With the stress of everything that's happened recently, she's so ready to feel more connected to her baby.
Ten minutes later, in the middle of Tree Pose, Max cracks open the sliding glass door, holding his phone in one hand. "Hey babe, you got a minute?"
"What for?" Helen doesn't like to be interrupted during yoga.
"We just got an email from your doctor. Test results are in."
Helen wobbles, then puts down her levitating foot and turns to face Max. "Re— really?"
"Yeah." Max peeks back inside the living room to make sure Luna is still occupied with her book, then steps onto the porch and closes the door behind him. "You wanna look at it now?"
Helen is equally excited as she is nervous, unsure what outcome she's hoping for. But there's no point in delaying it. She's waited for this for so long! "Might as well, since you're calling our old friends later."
Max sits on one of the patio chairs, pulls Helen into his lap, and opens the email attachment.
"Patient: Helen Sharpe
Date of birth: 20/08/1979
Date of blood sample collection: 27/08/2023
Gestational age: 11 weeks and 6 days, single gestation
Test Results
Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome): Negative
Trisomy 18 (Edwards syndrome): Negative
Trisomy 13 (Patau syndrome): Negative
Lab Director Comments
This specimen showed an expected representation of chromosome 21, 18, and 13 material.
This is a reported single gestation with no Y chromosome material detected. The probability of a female fetus is 99.8%."
Max doesn't need to read any further. "It's a girl, Helen! A healthy girl! Babe?"
Helen grabs the phone and zooms in, scanning over the test results again, making sure she's reading them correctly.
"What's wrong? Are you not excited?"
"No! It's not that! Only just… I tried to convince myself I didn't have a preference. And please don't interpret this to mean I don't love being Luna's mum. But… I've always imagined myself having a little girl of my own." Helen squeezes Max's hand as her mouth breaks into a grin. "We're having a daughter!"
Max wraps his arms around Helen and buries his face in her neck, peppering kisses all over. "A little mini you!"
Following lunch, Helen takes Luna out of the house for a bit to give Max some privacy so he can call the New York gang. He first calls Floyd, then Iggy. Upon hearing the news that not only are Max and Helen back together, but living together and having a baby, both are initially surprised and full of questions. Max tells the story of how he and Helen found their way back to each other, explains she wasn't responsible for the sham drug trial, why she left, and the personal growth he and especially Helen are striving for to make it work this time. He also hints how they had been subpar friends to Helen leading up to the London move and after the breakup, and suggests they call her. In the end, Floyd and Iggy, while still processing the news, are understanding and happy for Max, and promise to reach out to Helen in a few days.
Max has a few minutes before his final call, so he gets himself a glass of water, relaxes on the couch, and texts Helen.
M: Finished with Floyd and Iggy. Generally speaking, I think they handled it pretty well. Onto Lauren next. Wish me luck! Love you!
Max is already a little worn out from his first two calls. But Lauren is likely to be the most difficult, so he's glad he saved that for last. He's encouraged by a selfie Helen sends him of herself squeezing Luna from behind on a pebble beach.
H: Thank you for calling them. I really appreciate it. All three of your ladies love you too!
Max checks the clock. 3 p.m. A few days ago, he told Lauren he had some news to share. So they set up a time for him to call at 9 a.m Eastern Standard Time. Slightly nauseous, he clicks on Lauren's number. It rings three times before she picks up.
"Hey, Goodwin! It's nice to hear from ya! How's it hangin'?"
"I'm good, Bloom, really good! How are you? How's the new place?"
"Great! Keeping my hands busy. Renovations are shaping up nicely. I can send you some pictures later. Things with my sister are going pretty well. And… I'm now an AA sponsor!"
"You are? Lauren, that's amazing! When did you start?"
"About a month ago, but I've been thinking about it for a while now. After receiving so much support, I figured it was time I do the same for others."
"That's incredible, really! I'm proud of you! You've worked hard to get there!"
"Thanks! Now enough about me! I wanna hear your big, juicy news!"
Max knew he could only deflect for so long. "Well, I, uh… now don't freak out, but," Might as well dive right in. "Helen and I are back together…"
Lauren's jaw practically hits the floor. "What?!"
"And… we're having a baby."
"What the fuck?! When did that happen?!"
"Depends on how you look at it. It's kind of a long story." Max goes through the timeline of how events unfolded, that Dr. Castro was really responsible for the Lyphodril drug trial, how he and Helen reconnected, parted ways, found out they were pregnant, and then finally decided to give their relationship another shot. "So yeah, we just made the big move. And Helen is starting her new job next week."
As soon as Lauren is sure Max has finished, she can't hold her tongue anymore. "What the hell, Max! I can't believe you fell for her again! I'm disappointed."
"Disappointed? Why can't you just be happy for us?"
"Hmm, I don't know, let me think," Lauren sarcastically snides. "That woman left you waiting for her at the altar, and then tried to explain herself in a goddamn letter! Kinda pathetic, if you ask me. And she forced you to leave the job of your dreams!" Lauren shouldn't be as surprised as she is. With Max living in Europe, maybe it was inevitable. "You're addicted to her! The moment she came crawling back, you just couldn't stay away!"
The way Lauren is talking about Helen sickens Max! It takes all of his strength to not start yelling. "Okay, first off, I'm not mad Helen stood me up. Even though it hurt like hell, we weren't ready to get married. But she's not the only one who was at fault. I wasn't really listening, I tried to force the wedding on her. And second, Helen didn't make me leave New Amsterdam! I chose her." Max's friends were way more supportive of his more recent move, but that was because he was leaving the hospital in better hands, no pun intended. "Which brings me to my next point. After I announced that Helen and I were leaving New Amsterdam, you were a pretty crappy friend."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, come on! You kept trying to guilt me into staying! Which, I mean, I kind of get it. Veronica seemed hellbent on tearing down everything I built. But you were asking me to break Helen's heart, abandon her after everything she's been through! Friends don't do that."
"I was her friend. But she burned that bridge herself. She's the one that broke your heart by calling things off!"
"And it killed her to do it! But she and I have both grown and come a long way! It's gonna be different this time."
"Yeah right!" Lauren scoffs.
"So what? You're just gonna write her off? You've not even gonna give Helen a chance?"
"Why should I?"
"Because you were friends for a whole decade! Shouldn't that count for something?!" Max shouts, unable to contain his anger any longer. He pauses a moment, getting his breathing under control before continuing. "Lauren, I really appreciate that you and the gang were there for me after things went down. But did you seriously not think Helen might have had a good reason to leave?"
"She didn't even have an excuse!"
"That doesn't mean wasn't hurting! She deserved more grace than we gave her, but you in particular treated her like a villain."
"Oh, get off your high horse! You were badmouthing her right alongside me! You're the one who said you didn't even want to be in the same city as her when she asked to see you in January! You compared her to a deadly allergy!"
"Yeah, and do you know how long I loathed myself for that?! I'd give anything to take it back!" Max sighs in frustration. So far, this is going just as poorly as he expected. "Helen told me she felt like you guys were turning your backs on her, not just during our transition to London, but you were slacking as a friend after her stroke too. She could've died, and you didn't bother to show up!"
"That's not true, I came to visit!" Lauren's guilt for being such an awful friend starts creeping up on her, but she just pushes it down, masking it with anger and defensiveness.
"Yeah, once. In the hospital. Where it was convenient for you. I know you were stressed out and overloaded at work because of what happened to Casey. But you didn't call or visit Helen after she came home, you didn't offer to help with meals—"
"Helen said cooking was part of her physical therapy and that you guys didn't need anything!"
"So what? You expected her to ask for help? This is Helen we're talking about! You should have known she didn't want to be a burden!" Max understands the feeling. It's part of the reason he refused to ask for help in the months following Georgia's death. He only wished that Floyd, Iggy, and Lauren would have done the same for Helen during her recovery. "But it's not about the cooking. Helen was in New York for a whole month and could have used some company besides me, particularly from her oldest friend. But you pretty much ghosted her when she really needed you."
Lauren is at a loss for words, unable to come up with any more excuses or snarky remarks.
"Lauren, I'm the one that was affected the most when Helen left. Please don't hate her on my behalf! I didn't need you to then, and I really don't need you to now! Helen and I are together, whether you like it or not. And if you can't accept that, then I don't think there's any point in trying to keep up our friendship across an ocean."
"No, come on, man. Don't do that."
"Look, all I'm saying is… take some time, let the news sink in, do some self-reflecting. Then I think it would be a good idea if you talk to Helen yourself. I'm only making this call because she was too nervous to do it."
Although the hurt she caused Helen this time wasn't due to substance abuse, making amends with people you've wronged is one of the twelve steps in pretty much every recovery program. As a sponsor, she should set a good example. But the thought of calling Helen still makes her stomach twist. "I'll… consider it."
"Thank you." Max doesn't have anything more to say, at least not anything nice. "I've gotta go, but congrats again about becoming an AA sponsor."
"Thanks. And congrats on the baby, I guess."
Everything seems stiff, forced, and awkward now. "Thanks. Bye."
"Bye."
Max hangs up the phone, emotionally drained. But he'd much rather take the brunt of that painful conversation himself than Helen. He'd do anything for her, and she doesn't need any more stress.
He pulls out his phone and texts Helen again.
M: Done. You two can come home now.
H: How did it go?
M: I'll fill you in later, but not great. I really need to hold my girls.
H: Aww, darling! Do you need a cuddle?
M: Yes please!
Sunday, September 17th, New York
Ever since Max called with his life-changing news, Lauren has been experiencing a hurricane of emotions, primarily anger and denial. She can't believe Max's audacity to suggest she was a bad friend to Helen! Helen was the one who left and broke Max's heart! And it was Lauren, Floyd, Iggy, and Elizabeth left to pick up the pieces!
To distract herself, Lauren buries herself in work. Keeping busy is always how she's gotten through difficult situations. But it's no use this time. She even tries to vent to Iggy and Floyd about the whole thing, but they just turn it back on her and ask her to see things from Helen's point of view, how much pain she went through without a support system.
A few days after she found out, Lauren pages Wilder to come to the ED for a patient consult. As the Deaf doctor performs her examination, Lauren wonders if she knows. The two women are, by no means, besties. They've only ever hung out in groups. But they get along pretty well. Although Lauren is tempted to tell Wilder the details about Max's love life not out of female comradery, but out of spite. Don't do it, Lauren! It's not your place!
It's been two weeks, and Lauren's brain won't shut up, which means she hasn't been sleeping well. Tonight is a particularly bad night, mind bouncing back and forth about what to do. She knows she should call Helen to apologize, but the irrational desire to hold a grudge is stronger, so she keeps putting it off. After tossing and turning in bed for an hour, she gives up and blankly stares around the room. It looks a lot better than her last place, more filled out and personalized. But Lauren has the sudden urge to rearrange her bedroom, and she has nothing but time.
Following the dopamine, she gets to work moving her bed to the west wall; the view of the city is better over there. The dresser goes against the brick wall to the left of the bed. Lauren has half a mind to put the bookshelf closer to the window, but in the midst of taking books off so it's light enough to drag across the room, she gets absorbed in the literature, sitting cross-legged, decluttering whatever books she doesn't want to keep. Lauren has a lot of non-fiction, mostly autobiographies, business-related, and an interior design book she got when she bought this place. Lauren also has a lot of medical books. As she opens one, a photo falls out. It's Helen and herself all dressed up for what Lauren recalls was Helen and Muhammad's engagement party seven years ago. Since Helen wasn't really in contact with her mother, Muhammad asked Lauren for her blessing instead.
Lauren stares blankly at the photo, smoothing her thumb over Helen's likeness. The two women were so close that they considered each other family. A stark contrast to the most recent time they spoke, still clear as day.
After an exhausting overnight shift last August, an already irritated Lauren snapped at the cafe cashier for getting her coffee order wrong. Then Helen called out of the blue with apologies and to ask how everyone at New Amsterdam was doing. More specifically, to see how Max was handling the breakup; just because she ended things didn't mean she stopped loving him. But Lauren barely let her get a word in edgewise. Instead, she spent their brief basically one-sided conversation berating Helen for what she'd done and saying that she had no right to call. It concluded with Lauren yelling at a weeping Helen to stay out of Max's business.
Back into focus, on the verge of hyperventilation, Lauren throws the book against the wall and breaks down into a mixture of screams and tears, clutching the photo to her chest. She's spent a lot of time justifying how she treated Helen. But upon reflection, despite what Helen did, she didn't deserve all the hell Lauren gave her.
Lauren clasps her hands and bows her head, muttering a prayer under her breath. "Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." She's not sure she even believes in a god, but the AA mantra usually helps to regulate her emotions.
Once she's regained control of herself, Lauren wipes her nose on her sleeve, trudges to the kitchen, and opens the fridge. It's lacking in quality food (leftover Chinese takeout, eggs, a bottle of cold brew, bread, and some moldy strawberries), but she's craving something she doesn't even own.
What she wouldn't give for a drink right now! Four and a half years sober and the temptation is still just as strong. She scrolls through her phone contacts to call her sponsor, but she freezes, thumb hovering over Helen's name instead. Before she can change her mind, Lauren clicks on the number and puts the phone to her ear. It's 1:30 a.m. here, which means it's 7:30 in Geneva, so Helen should be awake. But it rings for so long that Lauren almost hangs up to avoid leaving a voicemail. She doesn't even know what she'd say.
A confused, timid voice eventually answers. "Hello?"
Lauren's heart races upon hearing the familiar British accent. "Hey."
"Lauren? Is that really you?" Helen hasn't heard from her former best friend in over a year.
"Yeah. It's me."
"What are you doing up so late? Is everything alright? Has something happened?"
"Yeah, no! Everything's fine. I, uhh…" Lauren slides down the fridge to sit on the floor, "I couldn't sleep. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. How have you been?"
Even though she knew the phone call was probably coming, Helen's stomach dropped when she saw Lauren's name on the caller ID. "I've been okay. A lot of life changes recently. Mostly good things."
"Yeah, I heard." Lauren's never been one to beat around the bush. "Max called me a couple weeks ago. Told me about the two of you."
"Mm-hmm." Helen braces herself for what she's assuming will be judgment.
"You're having a baby too, huh?"
"Yes, a little girl, fifteen weeks tomorrow."
"That's… great, Helen. I'm happy for you." Is she? Lauren herself can't even tell.
"You are?"
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? You've wanted to have a kid for like forever."
"Well, yes, that's all very good and exciting. But I meant about me and Max. I thought you'd be angry." Given what Max said about his and Lauren's phone call, Helen had every reason to expect the worst.
"Look, I can't say I'm exactly thrilled about the situation. I was mad when I first found out, really mad. Max was depressed pretty much the entire summer after you left. He was honestly like a shell. So I just want to look out for him." Lauren heaves a sigh, anxiously fidgeting with her fingers. "But I may have been too harsh on you."
Helen is too stunned to speak. In all the years they've known each other, she's heard Lauren admit to being wrong maybe a handful of times.
"We were best friends. I know you, Helen. You would never hurt Max on purpose."
"Truly, I didn't! Please know, it was never my intention to hurt him or anybody! But I had a lot of personal issues to sort out on my own."
"I guess it's better you realized that before it was too late." Lauren pauses a beat, knowing she still has to atone for the wrong she's done. "Helen, I should have heard you out. I'm sorry for how I acted. Not only then, but also when you and Max decided to move."
"Lauren, it's alright, I understand. We left you in an impossible situation."
"Still. I felt bitter that you were leaving. But it was pretty shitty of me to hold that against you. You've always been there for me, no matter what I was going through. And the minute you ask for the same support, I let you down."
"I know it was difficult to accept, but you came around eventually."
Helen is too gracious, and Lauren refuses to be let off the hook. "Yeah, I guess, a bit. But it's not just that. I didn't keep in touch with you enough after you left, I wasn't there for you after your stroke. I had a lot of stuff going on at the time, but that's no excuse. I should have been a better friend, and I'm sorry."
"Thank you, I appreciate that." Helen's not quite sure if she's ready to forgive yet. She can't tell if Lauren is genuinely sorry or only apologizing to assuage any festering guilt. "Why did you call, Lauren? Why the change of heart?"
"I don't know… I guess I'm feeling a little sentimental." Lauren misses Helen, and is almost jealous (at who, she's unsure) that she won't get to see her become a mother. At least, not given the current state of their relationship. But this past year taught her that life is too short not to make amends. "My mom died."
"Oh god, Lauren! I am so sorry!"
"Yeah, well, what can you do?" Lauren asks rhetorically while shrugging.
"When did she pass?"
"Last November." Other than with Vanessa and at AA meetings, Lauren doesn't talk about it much.
"How are you doing?"
"Eh, I've been better. Apparently, she died hating me."
"What? No, that can't be true!"
"Believe me, it is. We had another falling out when she started using again, so we already weren't on the best of terms."
"That doesn't necessarily mean she hated you!"
"Then why the hell did she leave everything she owned to my sister?" Lauren retorts unintentionally and unnecessarily harshly. Maybe it's not true, maybe Jeanie thought Vanessa wouldn't be able to support herself as well as Lauren can, but Helen's silence does nothing to comfort her. Even though the wound isn't fresh, it still stings. "She's back in my life, by the way. Vanessa."
"Really? You haven't spoken to her in years! What brought that on?"
"It's… complicated. Call it making up for past wrongs, I guess? Mom majorly screwed her up, but she's finally sober. Or at least trying to be. She's in AA with me. And we're working on fixing our relationship, bonding or whatever."
Hearing about Lauren's family situation makes Helen think about the strained, now non-existent relationship with her own mother. If Serwa dropped dead tomorrow, how much would regret overshadow Helen's grief? Although now's not the time. "Did you want to tell me more about it? About Vanessa or your mum?"
Lauren takes a deep, calming breath and stills her bouncing leg. She's had enough emotionally charged conversation for one night. "Maybe another time. I really should attempt to get some sleep."
"Alright, well…" Should she offer? It feels right. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here."
"Thanks. And Helen? I really am sorry. For everything."
There's a few seconds of tense silence before Helen finally says, "Thank you. I'm really glad you called. Goodnight, Bloom."
"Night, Sharpe." When Lauren hangs up the phone, she feels... not necessarily good or better, but a sense of relief. The pangs of guilt in her stomach are no longer gnawing away, and her racing, overlapping thoughts are a little quieter, slower, and less self-critical. Lauren doesn't know if she and Helen will ever be as close as they once were, but at least the door is open. With a lot of hard work, maybe they can start to rebuild. That hope is the only thing to get her through the night.
End notes:
This story will have at least two more chapters. I will be doing a time jump in the next one closer to Helen's due date. I've covered most of what I wanted to in this story. (I won't include Helen delving into her past/stuff about her father, because I hope she would have told Max sometime after Vijay's funeral. Or at least within the time jump period.) Hope you enjoy the rest, and feel free to check out my other work. I will try to get back to writing Ease Away My Doubts next.