Chapter 1: George

Teresa

Like an ear pressed to the hot chest of a lover, I could hear the gentle hum of the ship's engines and life support systems surrounding me with each step. Every corridor was filled with lively chatter from Red Dwarf's crew members, people scuttling about in a rush to do their daily duties like blood cells being pumped through the ship's arteries. This old and rickety mining vessel never ceased to provide comfort even in the hustle and bustle that was the everyday norm. Making my way up from the shuttle bay, I rolled my stiff shoulders, grateful I'd managed to finish repairing the Canary Drop Ship from yet another rough journey. Most people didn't know about Floor Thirteen, but I relished in being able to repair said drop ship while having nothing to do with its occupants. My afternoon plans found their basis entirely around taking a quick before dinner nap, and not waking up until the last possible moment to make it to George's funeral this evening. After all, it wasn't like I wouldn't see him again.

Halting on my journey back to my quarters, at the sound of Z Shift's Second Technician Arnold Rimmer and Third Technician David Lister bickering, I decided to slow. Always amused by the two, I didn't bother shoving past them in the corridor, and instead hung back to see what was stirring them this time. Lister was always nice to me, his presence was always something of a comfort.

'It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us,' Lister said while walking past the caged equipment and various gas tanks lining the grey walls. Smiling to myself, I shook my head. While Lister was quite bright, he lacked any real ambition and instead occupied his time with tall tails constructed on the fly to fool the gullible, and partying during his off hours. But for once, he wasn't kidding. The skutters not only had a union, it was better than anyone's in JMC's ranks, mine included.

'Lister, that is absolute nonsense. Right. What's next? Botanical gardens: faulty power circuit. In corridor 147: sticking door,' said Rimmer, ignoring the ramblings of his smelly underling. He reached back to the trolley and picked up his clipboard, scanning it for their next assignment.

'It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad,' Lister teased, again, telling the truth. He picked up a red soup cup and took a swig.

'Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!' He replied as I stood just round the corner from them, a small smile appearing on my oval shaped face. In truth I admired them, being able to have petty squabbles like this in their cargo pants and little maintenance uniforms. My coworkers barely spoke to me, they still treated me like the enemy, having climbed down the ranks from a much higher position and in a different department. And my former coworkers acted like I'd died, never once mentioning me again, pretending I didn't and had never existed.

'Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again,' Lister pointed out, quite correctly so.

Rimmer would never be a Navigations officer for the sole reason that he never actually tried. He seemed to be in sole possession of an unbelievable knack for being a complete and utter failure when it came to Astronavigation. It made me wonder why he was so determined in the first place. No, determined was the wrong word, I could admire determination, determination was attractive. Someone who had a goal and was determined to see it through no matter what the cost was one of the most attractive traits a man could possess. No, Rimmer was ambitious; to a fault and arrogantly so. He wanted to climb the ladder for power, to exploit the lesser man no doubt, and it was something I deeply hated about him. You could see it on his smarmy little face and those flared nostrils at the end of his big nose.

'Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins,' Rimmer replied, as they continued to walk several metres ahead of me. Audibly scoffing, I was glad I was as far behind them as I was, lest I be dragged into their argument.

'You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted,' Lister stated. The ship's catering officer, Petersen, had told me the very same and while I'd taken that with a pinch of salt, assuming it was malicious gossip. Todhunter had later confirmed it. Mind you, he was trying to pick me up at the time, as one of the few people who still wanted to talk to me after my career change. But I strongly suspected that was all in an effort to get his end away. Either that, or it was to get him in better with the Captain.

'That's a total lie!' Rimmer protested indignantly, which more than likely meant it was true. Much like a particularly rank fart you were desperately searching for the culprit of, he who denied it, supplied it.

'No, it's not! Petersen told me,' Lister replied. Guess he'd heard the same rumour as I had. Perhaps it was purely that. I'd love to get my hands on that exam paper to find out the facts for myself. Although, that would prove a lot of work into a man I barely liked, barely acknowledged existed.

'No, it's not! Petersen told me,' Rimmer mocked in a terrible Scouse accent. 'Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on power circuits which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.'

'Yeah. You said you were a fish,' Lister replied and I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from laughing. The flicking wheels of a lighter tugged a familiar pull in my body, angry, tobacco demanding signals being sent through my body at hyperspeed. My sister was always harping on about my dirty habit, trying to get me to quit but my heart simply wasn't in it. It was my vice, it was how I'd always dealt with uncomfortable family gatherings, the traumatic childhood and bad boyfriends. It was my comfort activity, which sounded terrible, but I refused to let go. I knew it was bad, I knew why I was doing it, but being self aware was not reason enough for me to ditch it.

'Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?' Rimmer asked.

'No, it's a chicken,' he replied as I unfurled my shirt sleeve to access the carton I was storing close to me. Putting the dart in my mouth, I patted my pockets down for my lighter and let out a groan when I didn't find it. Smeg. Bic Lighter, status MIA, presumed nicked. I hated losing those things, they weren't cheap here, JMC knew fine there was a finite amount onboard, and with the high demand they forced the prices sky high.

'Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister! I don't know,' Rimmer said as I jogged up to them, walking not quick enough to catch up. Footsteps echoing slightly as I bounced across the gun metal floor, I was hesitant to simply fast walk, just in case I lost them and had to find another means of lighting my cancer stick.

'Oi,' I called around the cigarette between my lips. Coming to a gentle stop, the two of them turned.

'Ahh, Second Mechanical Officer Treasa Kochanski, you're in it now Listy,' Rimmer said before doing his long winded and ridiculous salute. I smiled slightly, a bemused expression on my face. 'Hang on a minute, is that also a cigarette?"

'Got a light Lister?' I asked, ignoring Rimmer and turning to my sister's ex boyfriend. He smiled easily, holding out his lighter and shielding it with his opposite hand.

'Here,' he said, flicking the wheels on his lighter and igniting the end of the dart. It took a moment, so I leaned further down into the flame, watching the tip turn a bright cherry red. Taking a deep drag, I pulled back with a relaxed sigh. That was better, my nicotine addicted brain was already beginning to quiet down and I felt a small amount of euphoria flood my system.

'Thanks muchly,' I replied, taking another drag before pulling the stick from my mouth. 'I think mine got nicked when I was down repairing the ship's Canary Drop Ship. I was going to report it, but hey,' I said, turning to his annoying colleague, a false smile plastered across my impish features. 'Rimmer, since you've got that report book open, why don't you do me a solid and put it to good use.'

'Of course, ma'am, right away,' he nodded, furiously scribbling out that I'd lost my lighter down in the shuttle bay, when the prisoners were still there. 'Hang on a minute, what's the Canery Drop Ship?'

'Rimmer, just write the smegging report,' I said with a sigh. Taking another drag, I turned on my heel, content to walk away only to see Todhunter heading up the corridor towards us. Oh great, this plonker, I summoned him with the very power of my mind.

'Rimmer, Lister,' he greeted the two men beside me and Rimmer again graced us with his absurd salut. Shooting him a glare, which he didn't quite see, I wondered why he'd not greeted me in the same breath. What, now he was too good for me?

'Todhunter get down!' Lister called enthusiastically and did a little dance. Ignoring the two men, he then turned his whole attention to me and I regretted my initial annoyance. I preferred being ignored, I think.

'Kochanski, what are you doing down here?' Frank asked, raising a bushy brow as he looked quite literally down on me.

'Free ship, isn't it?' I replied with a shrug.

'It isn't actually,' he replied, paying little attention to the two men he'd originally come to see. Shifting uncomfortably under his gaze, I wondered just what exactly he was getting at. 'You've finished your shift for the day, haven't you? Heading home are we?'

'Yes, Frank, just finished repairing the Canary Drop Ship,' I replied honestly, leaning back against the wall of the corridor. He stared at me a moment longer and I gestured to the overalls I was wearing, top half tied at my waist to reveal my grease covered, sweaty grey tank top. 'Get up not enough of a hint for you, ay old boy? I want a shower and a nap, if you could so speed this up.'

'She lost her lighter down there, look sir, look,' Rimmer butted in thanks to the silence and thrust his report book in front of Frank, waving it agitatedly like a child who wasn't getting enough attention from mum and dad.

'Yes,' he acknowledged, just barely, before turning back to me. 'Anyway, do you have any plans? This evening or otherwise,' he asked.

'Haven't decided yet,' I replied, folding my arms over my chest, cigarette temporarily forgotten about. He was a bit of an odd one, Todhunter, so I didn't want to say no outright, in case he got weird. But I also didn't want to say yes, because he was one of those entitled upper class types. I should know, I spent my life around them. To put it simply, I thought he was a smeghead, I just didn't gel with him or anyone like him. Last thing on my wishlist would be spending an evening with him, droning on and on.

'Well, what about we go dancing down the disco after George's funeral?' He asked and I held back on the want to roll my eyes. Todhunter wasn't that bad, I supposed, but he was undoubtedly not my type. Not that I really knew what my type was, considering my recent dating history, or the long list that came before that. Maybe I didn't have a type...still didn't want Frank Todhunter though.

'No, like I said, I'm off for a nana nap,' I said and he laughed slightly. Looking like he was going to press further, I jumped in with a longer soft no. 'I'll sleep on it,' I told him and he smiled in response.

'You got it,' he nodded once in affirmation. 'I'll be down there, if you're there, maybe we'll share a dance, if not, no hard feelings.'

'Done,' I smiled, and with a nod Todhunter moved on to his actual task, dealing with Rimmer. I was actually surprised that interraion ended so amicably.

'Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artefacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints ... against Lister,' he stated, looking over his clipboard, and I rolled my eyes, putting a hand up to my face and sighing. Poor Lister.

'Yes, sir!' Rimmer confirmed, looking proud of himself.

'That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of mutiny,' Todhunter read through and I shook my head in disbelief, making Lister smirk slightly. Rimmer's face changed throughout Todhunter's list, I watched him grow more and more smug. He was so slimy, it made my skin crawl.

'Yes, sir!' Rimmer confirmed, feeling quite proud of himself.

'Mutiny, Lister?' Frank asked, looking sceptical. Going back to my quickly burning out cigarette, I put it back up to my lips and sucked in a heavy drag trying to make the most of what I had left. How did Lister put up with all this? Surely I would have decked him by now, even if he was my superior.

'I stood on his toe,' Lister explained and I choked in disbelief on the smoke I'd just breathed in. Smoke shot out both my nose and mouth, making me look like an asthmatic dragon. Todhunter looked momentarily amused but Rimmer paid me no mind, clearly assuming it was more to do with smoking the cigarette itself than him.

'Maliciously, and with intent to wound,' Rimmer explained, a vicious little look on his face as he sideways glanced at Lister, I almost sighed. I'll say again, poor Lister.

'It was an accident!' Lister argued, bringing the pie he was eating up to his mouth again for another bite, showing no real concern over the situation. Mind you, if I'd had complaints filed against me into the hundreds, I probably wouldn't be much bothered either.

'Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty,' Rimmer explained, stretching what happened to unbelievable lengths. Also, Rimmer didn't exactly do anything that resembled vital duty. Heaven forbid he be unable to stuff pipe cleaners in the chicken soup nozzles, what would we do?

'But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!' Lister argued. See.

'Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot,' Rimmer countered.

'All right, that's enough,' Frank stepped in and I felt sorry for the guy, having to deal with this on a regular basis. Not sorry enough to go on a date with him, though. No, there was no such thing as a pity date.

'Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny,' Rimmer continued to explain, ignoring Todhunter. At this point, I'd finished my cigarette, having been anxiously sucking in drag after drag as I watched the whole situation unfold. Looking for a place to stub it out, I caught Lister's attention and he handed me the empty pie casing. I jabbed it into the foil, watching the final smoke seep out of it before it was truly dead.

'Finished?' Frank asked and I sighed. This could go on all day. Completely ignoring the cigarette butt and ash in the tin, Lister then put what was left of his pie back in the case and popped it down on the trolley, going for a swig of the soup instead. Momentarily horrified, I watched him with unwavering attention.

'However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty,' Rimmer finished, snapping me out of my live David Attenborough nature documentary. I scoffed and he shot me a look, paying real attention to me for the first time. He directed a look of offended distaste right at me and I found it just the slightest bit amusing.

'There are 11,169 JMC crew on this ship. You, Rimmer, are only one man. Why can't you two get on?' Todhunter asked as I watched my sister's charming ex boyfriend stick his own cigarette in his ear with no mind to the wax, and scoop more ash covered pie out of the tinfoil casing. And bite down like the little grey flecks meant absolutely nothing. No wonder she'd dumped him, imagine would kissing him would have been like. While he was a nice guy, his hygiene needed some serious work.

'You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a smeghead,' Lister explained without an ounce of sincerity. Putting my hand up to my mouth, I tried to stifle my laugh.

'Did you hear that, sir?' Rimmer said to Todhunter before turning back to Dave. 'Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'

'Oh, Rimmer,' Frank chuckled and clapped him on the shoulder. 'You are a smeghead.' He gestured to me then, reaching out an arm. 'Come on, I'll walk you to your quarters.'

Part of me wanted to deny him, spend a moment longer with Lister now I had no real reason to interact with him, but refusing Todhunter seemed unwise. Especially when I had no excuse. Without looking back, I could hear Lister cracking up with laughter as we walked away and the fury in Rimmer's voice as he called after us.

'With respect, sir, your career's finished, Todhunter, you big lig!' he screamed. 'And you think this is funny, Kochanski, just you wait.'

Giggling next to Todhunter for a longer than probably necessary, we headed back to B-Deck where a lot of the officer's quarters were. It was where mine were, despite me being the ship's flight mechanic. Captain Hollister hadn't seen it necessary for me to move quarters mid trip unless it was obstructing me from my duties, which, it wasn't really. He wasn't replacing me as Astronavigations Officer this tour, and so there would be no one living in my quarters if I did move. Took maybe 2-5 extra minutes to get to the shuttle bay but that was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Hardly a reason to move quarters, especially since my old ones were much nicer than the ones for flight mechanics. Special treatment like that was probably why my coworkers didn't really talk to me much, not to mention the career change. The career switch from astro-nav had upset more people in the drive room than I really understood, and they'd instantly stopped associating with me. They quite obviously looked down their nose as my lesser position, and the other mechs couldn't understand why I'd freely made the choice to re-train and join them down in the dirt. But I liked flight mechanics, it was interesting and held satisfaction that being a glorified bus driver didn't have.

'See you tonight?' Todhunter asked as I leaned on the door to my quarters, cold metal rivets digging into my back.

'Maybe,' I shot him a friendly smile.

'Maybe?' he repeated and I nodded. He pulled back then, going off to continue his duties for the rest of the day, looking a combination of annoyed and disappointed. I had told him I was going to sleep on it, having not yet had the chance to do any sleeping, I wasn't sure what he was expecting.

Stepping inside my quarters, I untied the overalls from my waist and let them go, fabric dropping to the floor and pooling at my feet. Untying my laces, I kicked off my boots and pant legs in one smooth motion, walking towards the shower. Reaching up, I threw my tank top over my head and heard it hit the floor as my black socks hit the wet tiles. Bending, I pulled them off my feet, yanking down my underwear and unfastening my bra. Tossing all four pieces of clothing back behind me, I supposed I couldn't judge Lister's hygiene too much if my room was kept the way it was. Turning the knobs in the shower and I pumped extra strength Swarfega body wash onto my loofa, trying to quickly wash off all the grime from a hard day's work without waking myself up any so I could still have a cheeky nap. I was worried if I stood under the water too long, I'd get a second wind, a burst of adrenaline preventing me from shutting myself down for an hour or so.

Ringing my hair out, I sighed, stepping out of the shower and into the empty, dark room. Padding over to my dresser, I pulled on a new pair of slacks and tank top before rolling on some fresh deodorant. Once I was satisfied I was clean and dry, I jumped onto the bed, immediately folding the blankets over the top of me. I was thankful I hadn't made my bed after throwing them to the side this morning as now I was comfortably rolled in a neat little blanket burrito. Ahh cosy bliss.

'Holly?' I asked softly, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

'Yes, Teresa?' He replied chirpily, answering me almost instantly.

'Could you please wake me up just before George's funeral?' I asked snuggling into my pillow some more.

'Of course, Teresa,' he agreed warmly, disappearing quickly after and leaving the room in total darkness for me. It seemed like only minutes went by from when he left, to when he popped back up again, casting a blue light out into the darkness, chiming loudly to wake me.

'Wakey wakey, Teresa, have a nice sleep?' Holly asked cheerily, ignoring my groans of protest. 'George's funeral will be starting soon, don't wanna miss that. I hear there's a hell of a party planned after. That should be a bit of fun.'

'Course, Holly,' I hummed, rolling over slightly and chapping my lips together slightly, ready to sink back into dreamland through my pillow. What I wouldn't give to go back to sleep and skip it all. 'Five more minutes.'

'Sorry, darlin', I'm not sure Hollister would appreciate me pushing George's funeral back by five minutes just so you can take a longer nap,' he told me and I smiled. 'It's up now or bust, I'm afraid.'

'Of course, Holly,' I responded, awake now anyway. Pushing myself up in the sheets, I sat up facing the entryway to my quarters. 'Thank you for the wake up call.'

'Anytime,' he replied and then disappeared, putting the room in darkness again.

'Lights,' I called, wincing when they turned on instantly, and very very brightly.

Sitting up, I swung my legs over the side of the bed, pushing up onto my feet, once again leaving my bed unmade. Going over to the bathroom door, I scrubbed my teeth clean, trying to get rid of the just napped feeling. Stepping out afterwards, I checked myself over one last time to make sure I didn't look like I'd been dragged backwards through a bush. I fastened my old astro-nav button down over my chest for a more formal look for George's funeral. Not that I suppose he'd mind very much if I showed up in just my underwear. It was a regulation button down, but it still had all my old patches on it. My new ones hadn't yet arrived, but again, Captain Holister was granting me immunity on that one. Slipping the black armband up over the top of my sleeve, I made it to the lifts, pressing the call button to send me to the flight deck.

This idea of having a funeral seemed so strange, George was coming back, albeit in the form of light rather than a physical presence. But he was still here. I always thought it would make more sense to give him a funeral if they were going to turn off his light bee. Because then we'd really be saying goodbye, but I didn't run things. It would be the end of the world before I ended up the senior crew member of this ship, and had to be the one to make all these kinds of decisions. Walking down the corridor to the drive room after I'd stepped out of the lift, I took my place amongst all the other officers in the small cluster behind the display. Meeting eyes with my sister, I shot her a small smile but she turned her head away instantly and I looked down at the floor. A great deal of sadness took over me, I missed her. I thought if one person would stand by me, it would be her, but she'd chosen the people she worked with. Though, I suppose she would be seeing them every day, whereas she barely had anything to do with me before I was excommunicated.

There was a metal canister in front of us, and Captain Hollister to the far right of me. It seemed odd he was the one to be so kind and supportive towards me, he had been a true friend since I'd been a cadet in the academy. He stepped forward and started his speech, and I smiled encouragingly. Yes, at least he'd had my back. There were many here, who didn't like him much, but I knew the real him, the good sides that not everyone else got to see, and he'd always always been nice to me.

'We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George MacIntyre. George was an excellent officer and as good of a friend as anyone could ever hope to have. And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know. And now I commend his ashes to the stars he loves so much,' Hollister said simply before walking over to the metal can and patting it appreciatively. 'Goodbye George, we'll miss you.' He put the can in a slot in the table and pressed the eject button, sending the urn into space. 'This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape please Holly.'

'See you later alligator,' Wafted through the ship, and I almost felt like I should be laughing as we all stood, standing seriously mourning our fallen fellow crew member. Out of the corner of my eye I saw another officer dancing slightly behind the rest of us, and even Bob the Skutter was wiggling from side to side. Guess some of us still had a sense of humour...

Lister

'There goes MacIntyre,' I said, watching intently out the window as the canister shot past our viewing window. 'Goodbye George.'

Waving as "See you later alligator" played throughout the ship, I watched him go fondly. He'd always been nice to me whenever he had to come down and deal with Rimmer's countless complaints. I really couldn't understand why he was such a smeghead. It started out funny, but now it was just sad. In the short time I'd been aboard I quickly understood how he'd become the ship's most hated man, not even Teresa liked him, and she was kind to everybody. Well, everybody she liked.

'That was George!' I said as I turned in me bunk to lean down and chat with Rimmer, who was once again, being a smeghead.

'Really? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots,' Rimmer replied sarcastically, not looking up from scribbling on his arm. 'Off,' he ordered and the live video of George's funeral shut off.

'Hey I was watching that,' I objected. See what I mean? Absolute smeghead.

'Well tough,' Rimmer replied, uncaring.

Sighing, I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd just find something else to do. I turned again in me bunk and reached for me guitar. See I prided meself on always being able to occupy me time when I was bored. Part of being an only child.

'You touch that guitar, Lister, and I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it,' Rimmer threatened. I put my palm to my face. He was the absolute worst bunkmate I'd ever had. Well, he was the only bunk mate I'd ever had, but come on. No wonder me gran always said I wouldn't like school camps, I always thought it was to make me feel better about us not being able to afford it.

'Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe?' I asked, leaning down over the edge of me bunk and breathing in Rimmer's face.

'Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass,' Rimmer replied, trying to appeal to his bunk mate's better nature. Joke's on 'im, I don't have a better nature.

'I know, yeah. By cheating,' I scoffed, ignoring the plea.

'This is not cheating!' Rimmer defended, looking down at his sharpie tattoo sleeve. 'It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.'

'What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?' I asked before pointing to his arm like I'd had an idea. 'Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?' I joked. Course then he'd get done for plagiarism, I suppose.

'Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?' Rimmer asked.

'You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?' I raised a brow.

'My parents. The wrong parents,' Rimmer replied.

Oh poor him, he had his birth parents. I was adopted and you don't hear me complaining. You get what you're given, and I loved me parents. They weren't around long, but they loved me.

'I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?' I responded. Rimmer didn't possess an honourable bone in his body, I wasn't sure why I was bothering trying to appeal to him.

'Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive. You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on the ship,' Rimmer attacked.

'I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it,' I joked, unbothered. ' "Yes, sir, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee, eee..." ' I mocked in a squeaky voice with a goofy expression and his hand pressed to me head in a salute. See, I didn't define my value by the job I held. Rimmer didn't like himself, which was why he wasn't happy.

'Lister, you are a nothing,' Rimmer told me. Classic Rimmer, putting down other people to make himself feel better. Sad smegpot.

'I'm not a nothing! I've got me plan,' I argued.

'What's that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?' Rimmer replied.

'No. Me five-year plan. You see, I'm going to do two more trips. And I've been saving up all me pay...' I started to explain, palms rubbing against each other.

'Since when?' Rimmer butted in in disbelief.

'Since always. That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or anything like that, you know,' I listed. 'Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji. And I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.' I explained with a small smile on me face. I was gonna get Krissy back, and she'd come too.

'With a sheep and a cow?' Rimmer asked, puzzled.

'No, with horses and horses,' I shook me head. Course he had to be pedantic.

'On Fiji?' Rimmer asked in disbelief.

'Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable,' Lister agreed.

'Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level!' Rimmer exclaimed. Always pointing out the negative.

'It's only three feet. They can wade,' I defended and then got quite thoughtful. I bit me lip. 'That's why the animals are gonna hafta be quite tall.'

'Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton,' Rimmer started using his pen to mimic the leaping mutated farm animal. 'Baa, splash, baa, splash.'

'You can get a drainage grant these days,' I replied. Resa had told me that when I'd mentioned me five year plan. See, she supported people's dreams, even if she didn't necessarily want to do them herself. And she'd told me about the type of house known as the Queenslander. Apparently it was built on stilts so any flooding would go right under your house instead of filling it with water.

'Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet- look knitwear,' Rimmer replied sarcastically.

'Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, 'cause I knew you'd say something like this,' I said disheartened. I hated when he managed to get to me. If he could just stuff his negativity somewhere else...

'Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich,' Rimmer told me. ' "Mornin', Farmer Lister! I'm just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?" ' he mocked in a goofy farmer's voice, right before there was a loud honking noise.

'The "Welcome Back George MacIntyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory. George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral,' Holly announced. Thank god. Anything to get out of this room with that smeghead.

Rimmer grabbed both our coats and handed me mine, dropping it on the floor at the last second. I grabbed me jacket and then jogged forward a step, hooking my foot under his and tripping him in the doorway. Smeghead.

Teresa

Slouching in my chair in the cafeteria with the other crew members, I glanced around bitterly. Sure, there were plenty of free spaces around, but did absolutely no one want to sit at my table with me? Screw them, I didn't want to sit with them either. I had one foot up on the seat of my plastic chair, tucking my knee under my chin as I leaned on it, the other foot rested on the edge of the table. Picking up my cardboard packet of cigarettes while I was waiting for the introductions to start, I pulled one out and lit up.

Petersen walked past me and then paused at the table to my right where Rimmer sat, also alone. I glanced over and raised an eyebrow along with the ship's catering officer, Rimmer was either preparing to cheat on his astro-navigations exam tomorrow, or was obsessed with stick n poke tattoos to the point of concern. He'd gone from completely bare and blank, to covered in ink from his collar down to his toes.

'Have you read Rimmer's arm?' I heard the Dane ask.

'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!' Chen replied and I smirked to myself as I heard the group behind me laughing. I'd always liked Lister's mates. They were grubs, not unlike him, but they just wanted a laugh. And they'd always been nice to me. They were proper lads, caring only about their pals and their next drink.

'Petersen, have you got a quarter?' Lister asked and I shook my head. Here we go. 'I've just been shown this great new intelligence test. What you've gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead. And then the more times you can bang yourself on the head, the more intelligent you are. You gonna go for it?' I couldn't believe they were trying to pull the first prank at the academy.

'He's going for it!' The group yelled. I flicked some ash into the table's built-in ashtray.

'Ready? OK. Can you feel it?' Lister asked.

'Yep,' Petersen confirmed.

'Can you feel it?' Lister asked again and I rolled my eyes, taking a drag of my cigarette and then looked up at the clock, hoping it would be starting soon. By myself, I was lonely and bored. Part of me just wanted to go back to bed, sleep it all away but my other half, the more spiteful side of me, wanted to go and party. Needing to prove they couldn't get to me, that they couldn't ostracise me. Eventually at the large set up in the front of the room, Todhunter, Captain Hollister and the Hologram of George MacIntyre entered, and sat down in their respective chairs. Hollister then stood at the front to address the room.

'Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy. Sadness, for the passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us - albeit as a hologram. Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect like George. He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience. Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask you to cooperate with his requests. And please, take every care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.'

For smeg's sake we know. God, I just wanted to go to bed. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I was starting to think I didn't even want to go down the disco tonight, forget the spite. I was in such a mood. But there was nothing else to do, and getting bladdered sounded amazing right about now. Maybe I'd be less sad if I was drunk. Everyone hooted and cheered, then there was a collective chorus of "Speech, speech, speech!"

'I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral. I've just seen the vid. And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy. Beautiful. But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote,' MacIntyre joked and there was a collection of forced laughter.

'This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages,' he said and I rolled my eyes, only to be caught by Todhunter's glance who smiled and winked at me. And I spent the rest of the speech making faces at him. He might have been a bit slimy, but once again, I was glad he still interacted with me. 'I think Joe knows what I'm talking about. As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: if you die, I'll kill you.'

'Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake,' Todhunter addressed the room and then brought his eyes back to me, giving me a look. Standing, I smiled back at the second officer, while Hollister cut the cake. Frank raised his glass out to the room, body and arm angled to me. 'Flight Coordinator George MacIntyre.'

'George!' Everyone cheered and I could hear Lister gargling behind me. Maybe him and his friends would be down the disco, and they'd let me hang about with them.

'OK. Just one thing before the disco, Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard,' Hollister announced.

'Sir, it's Rimmer!' Lister called out and I choked on my glass. Making Todhunter smirk. Once my breath had returned to me I found myself giggling. Rimmer glared between myself and Lister, unsure of who he seemed to hate more. Lister for making the joke or me for visibly laughing at it.

'We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, OK?' Hollister replied.

'I'm turning you in, Rimmer,' Lister teased from behind me and out of the corner of my eye I saw Rimmer pull out his report book and I rolled my eyes, sending a sympathetic look at Todhunter who just sighed.

'Ooooh!' Lister and his friends mocked as Rimmer scribbled down notes on the white pages. It was any wonder that thing had any pages left in it. If I was in charge of the ship's stationary, I simply wouldn't issue him with any more books. No report books, no reports.

Eventually people either began to file out of the room, to get ready for the disco, or lined up for cake. Looking over at Todhunter who was pouring champagne, I winked at him before getting up out of my seat, and getting ready to leave. Forget the cake, I needed to go and get changed so I could make everyone regret ditching me. I'd be so damn hot. It was at which point Lister and his cronies came over to me, intercepting my attempt at leaving.

'Alright Teresa,' Petersen nodded in a legitimately friendly manner.

'Alright,' I nodded back, the corner of my mouth quirking up slightly.

'So are you going to the disco after, then?' Lister asked genuinely. He'd always been nice to me, even before he started dating my older sister and kept being nice to me even after they broke up.

'Yeah I've been thinking about it, I wanna show 'em all up for dropping me,' I nodded, bouncing the idea around in my head. If he was going, maybe I would too.

'Ooooh going on a date with Todhunter? That'll make them jealous,' Lister teased and I scoffed. 'Don't play it off, I saw him giving you the eyes the whole speech.'

'He can make eyes all he wants,' I played coy, smirking slightly with my glass of pinot grigio. 'The question is, did I make eyes back?'

'That is a good question, did you?' Chen asked, leaning over Lister's shoulder, chomping at the bit and I laughed.

'Todhunter isn't really my type,' I shrugged. And Lister grinned proudly.

'Nah, you're like your sister, you've got good taste in men, don't ya darlin', ' he tossed an arm around my shoulder affectionately and ruffled my hair.

'Sure, good taste,' I teased back and he chuckled while the rest of his mates cheered out an "Oooh".

'Lister,' Todhunter greeted from behind me and I looked up, Lister pulling away from me. 'Getting along better with Rimmer?' He asked.

'No, he's still a complete and total smeghead,' Lister replied and I shook my head smiling.

'I don't think that's likely to change, unfortunately,' I said, everyone nodding.

'Undoubtedly,' Todhunter agreed. 'So, Teresa, are you headed to the disco after this?' He asked me again, handing me a flute of champagne to replace my empty wine glass.

'Maybe,' I replied, taking the flute off of him and sipping it coyly. 'See you later,' I smiled and took the glass with me, necking it once I was away from the group and putting the glass down on the table, leaving the canteen.