Chapter 3: Stasis

Lister

The sound of the Cat busily mending his clothes while he perched in me bunk was the only one, save for the occasional page turn, over the noise of the ship's gentle hum. Elbows resting on the cold metal table, I thumbed through the diary I was reading, searching for a particular entry I remembered reading a few months back. Finding a particularly good entry, I started reading aloud to the Cat, amusing my loyal companion greatly. Turning the next page, I heard the door whoosh open and Rimmer's footsteps enter with a quick march.

'Good book?' he asked, glancing in my direction, though I doubted he really cared.

'Yeah, it's alright,' I replied with a noncommittal shrug. His face shifted into that smarmy, snide look he often wore right before he made a dry remark. See, I didn't think he really cared, it was just an opening for an attack.

'I didn't think you read,' Rimmer said snootily, smug git.

'Not much, but this is good,' I replied, nonchalantly, feeling my own smugness rising within me.

'What is it?' Rimmer asked out of curiosity, looking over at us.

'It's your diary,' I replied smugly. That'll show 'im.

'WHAT!?' Rimmer exclaimed, looking like he could take flight he was so livid. It was funny watching his light bee project the veins pop out the side of his head and neck. Very lifelike, almost as good as the real thing had been.

'I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley,' I stated, skim reading the current page for anything juicy. He looked like one of them was going to burst.

'Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things,' Rimmer scolded, glaring at me as I did. It was hard not to find amusement in the situation. God he drove me up the wall sometimes, but it was these moments that enduring his whining and sadistic torture all worth it.

'It's gone public,' the Cat informed him with a laugh, looking smug as he continued to work on his fancy digs.

'I don't believe it! You've been reading that to the Cat?' Rimmer exclaimed, looking a combination of angry and embarrassed. He should be, he wrote some absolute drivel sometimes. And the lovesick fascination with Teresa was just pathetic.

'Only the best bits!' The Cat justified, as if that would somehow make him feel better.

'Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings,' I read from the three million year old pages. The man didn't have a poetic bone in his body, but perhaps that was because he wasn't a musician like I was. If he wasn't such a smeg head, I'd have given him some pointers.

'Shut up,' his orders fell on deaf ears as I continued.

'Your hair is like a golden waterfall,' I smirked as we read the poetry. It was quite rubbish honestly, but I was glad there didn't seem to be any poetry about Resa. There were some things you didn't want to read about yer ex girlfriend's kid sister.

'Shut up,' Rimmer demanded and again, I ignored him.

'Plus, those tight skirts you wear make me really horny,' I finished, feeling the whiplash from the abrupt ending.

'Lister, I order you to shut your face,' Rimmer said angrily.

'It's no big deal, you know. You can read my diary,' I told him. The poetry in there was much better. Perhaps it would inspire him into writing something better. Doubtful, but a man could dream.

'Who'd want to read your diary? It's full of puerile nonsense about Kristine Kochanski,' Rimmer stated.

'Ah, so you've read my diary,' I concluded. Only way he could have known that was if he'd taken a look through the pages.

'Yes, but at least I have the common decency to do it sneakily behind your back,' Rimmer defended, shooting me yet another unimpressed look.

'He's right. That is definitely the decent thing to do!' The Cat laughed, clearly amused by all this.

'Anyway, my puerile nonsense about Krissy is nowhere near as bad as your crush on Teresa, there's an entire page in here about how you loved the taste of her boob sweat,' I stated, briefly remembering it as that night Todhunter had been a git to her on the dancefloor. 'How come you never said anything?'

'Say anything! She thought I was a total smeghead! And what would you have done if you'd known? I bet you would have rubbed it in, teased me relentlessly about it, I bet you would have told her. You always were pally. You could have laughed at me together,' he cried out.

'I'd have never,' I replied. Resa would have let him down gently if he'd asked her out, she was nice like that. Some people, like Todhunter, didn't deserve it, but she was always nice. In fact, she was so nice, she kept talking to me when I broke it off with Krissy. 'I might have teased yeh but I'd never have told her or laughed at you. She was really cute, it's understandable. And she was really kind.'

'Oh shut up,' Rimmer rolled his eyes at me. 'And keep your smegging hands off my diary!'

'I'm doing it for a reason anyway. Look what I found in Kochanski's quarters this morning,' I held up a picture.

'So?' Rimmer asked.

'Look at it!' I told him.

'It's a wedding photograph,' Rimmer stated, unimpressed and confused at the relevance.

'Yeah, And who is the incredibly gorgeous hunky beefcake she's marrying?' I asked smugly.

'It's you! But you didn't marry Kochanski!' Rimmer said in disbelief.

'Exactly! So how is this possible, unless somehow we go back in time?' I explained.

'What's this got to do with my diary?' Rimmer asked.

'It's this bit here about the mushrooms, on the day you hallucinated Teresa kissing you, isn't it? You see, when you saw your head coming through the table, I don't think it was a hallucination. I think you were seeing you, now, arriving back in the past,' I explained, tapping animatedly at on the worn pages.

'There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this situation. It goes; what are you talking about, dog-breath?' said the Cat.

'Listen to what it said. It says; the head came through the table and said, I'm from the future. I've come to save your life. We found a stasis leak on floor sixteen. You see, I don't think it was a hallucination,' I theorised, thinking about how despite Rimmer often appearing to be sitting on chairs and various objects, he could warp through any of them if he wanted to.

'What's a stasis leak?' The Cat asked just as Holly popped up on the monitor, grinning at us in his usual fond manner.

'Alright, dudes. What's going down in groove town then?' Holly greeted.

'Alright, Hol. Listen, what's a stasis leak?' I asked, looking over at him.

'Um, well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can for your average layman to comprehend, a stasis leak is a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name a stasis leak,' Holly replied.

'You don't know, do you, Hol?' I responded.

'No, I don't,' Holly replied, shaking his head.

'Well, I suggest we go down to floor sixteen and see what's there,' I stated, pushing up from me chair.

'How come he never, ever knows anything? He's supposed to have an I.Q. of six thousand!' Rimmer complained.

'Six thousand's not that much. It's only the same IQ as twelve thousand car park attendants,' Holly replied in jest, making me smile.

'But you don't know anything,' Rimmer said.

'Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated computers ever devised by man. I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible,' Holly defended.

'Infallible,' I corrected.

'Exactly,' Holly nodded.

Teresa

Getting a little wet as I stood fully clothed on the tiles of the shower floor, hot water ran down my arm and soaked my shirt sleeves. It didn't seem to matter how much of a wide berth I gave him, I was still getting soaked through. I was going to have to change clothes, or at least take off my uniformed button down.

'I want to say thank you again, Kochanski, for coming to my aid like this,' Captain Hollister said as I stood just outside the shower, while he stood inside, in a giant chicken suit. If he wasn't so upset and directly in front of me, I might have been laughing. But because he was, I tried my best to keep it in. It wasn't every day you had to hose down your Captain, and if you did, it was even less often that he was dressed like a big, brown hen.

'Teresa,' I said with a soft smile, hosing him down with the showerhead. Hollister had always been kind to me, so it was no bother doing something so simple to return the favour.

'Yes, Teresa,' he smiled back affectionately. He looked down at his brown hairy belly. For some reason, this suit appeared to be made of fake fur, rather than covered in acrylic feathers. It was probably a combination of manufacturing price and comfort. 'It's not often I find myself in this situation, but I'm grateful you've agreed to help me and keep it a secret.'

'I'm just grateful you didn't punish me too severely when I hacked the announcement system. We're friends, let's say no more about it,' I told him as I started combing the paint out of the wet chicken's belly. In truth, he should have done something much worse, he should have come down on me like a tonne of bricks, but once I'd given him a full debrief of the situation he'd crucified Todhunter and given me a slap on the wrist. I was eternally grateful.

'Deal,' he replied and then turned off the water. He stepped outside of the shower and I started blow drying the front of him, paint now out. Admittedly, this was a very strange situation to be in with your captain. Hell, it would be odd even without a chicken suit.

'How did you get covered in this anyway?' I asked, combining the drying hair with a blow dry brush. When I was done with this thing the costume rental place wouldn't even know what had happened even if someone had told them. I was a master at fixing wardrobe malfunctions. It was probably down to my particularly risque civvies. I'd debated going to this costume party myself, planning on going as Jessica Rabbit, but with little friends left, there didn't seem to be much point. So the dress sat abandoned in my quarters, hanging limply in my wardrobe, waiting to be returned to the rentals.

'I think Rimmer's gone bananas,' Hollister replied honestly. He shook his head as he recounted the events to me. 'Today he reported that Lister drugged him with space mushrooms, and then later when I went to apologise for giving him PD he went off the deep end, started painting my costume and yelling at me.'

'I think he must have thought you were a hallucination,' I laughed, shaking my head. While I didn't much like Rimmer, his absolute pettiness in the face of something he hated was an energy I found absolutely hilarious. It was like Uncle Vernon in that really old book series, he was always so ready to fuck with wizards despite being so terrified of them. I almost admired it. 'I'm sure he'll be fine. I'll check on him after this, if you like. Arnold Rimmer doesn't scare me.'

'Would you?' Hollister asked, looking surprised and grateful.

'Course, anything for a friend,' I smiled, nodding at him. How bad could it be?

Once Hollister was ready to go out to the costume party I was desperate to avoid, I went to go and find the Second Technician. While I had legitimately offered to help out a friend, this did give me the perfect out for that stupid party.

Lister

Jogging my way up the corridor was Resa, and I wanted to stop, to talk to her. It felt so good seeing her again after the last three years, and she was alive. But what would I even say, I didn't want to seriously mess with her head, and I also had an important mission to get on with. But as luck would have it, she skidded to a halt beside me, grabbing out for my arm. I jolted slightly at the feeling of her surprisingly soft hands for a mech. She pulled me towards her, looking a little out of breath.

'Hey, Lister, have you seen Rimmer?' Resa asked, no idea she was speaking to me from 3 million years in the future. I hadn't realised Rimmer hadn't hallucinated the entire experience with her, just the kiss. Or maybe he had, there was no telling if she actually found him or not. But she had, hadn't she? I'd seen her in me quarters hand feeding Rimmer his dinner. Had she actually kissed him? No, no she couldn't of. She wasn't like that.

'Um, no,' I replied with a shake of me head, and she turned to look at Cat who was standing next to him.

'Hey!' She smiled enthusiastically and pointed to him. 'I bet I know who you are. You're going as Liberace to that party tonight, aren't you? New friend of yours, Dave?'

'Yer he is,' I snorted and dragged the Cat out of the room before he gave something away. 'I'll see you around Teresa.'

'That's the one Goal Post Head was crushing on?' The Cat asked me, repeatedly looking back at her as she jogged away in that grey tank top she always wore.

'Yeah, that's Krissy's little sister,' I explained to me companion.

'I can see why, for once Alphabet Head and I agree on something, she's beautiful' the Cat replied and then yowled as he went down the hallway. Shaking me head, I followed after him.

Teresa

Having had no luck when I ran into Lister and his friend I'd never seen before, I spied Petersen who'd surely help me. Or rather, if he'd seen Rimmer he'd send me in his direction, I doubted he'd help me help me. Especially for something that involved Rimmer.

'Petersen,' I yelled after him. Jogging up the hallway towards him, I noticed he was carrying the luggage of two female shipmates, no doubt in an attempt to pick up. He wasn't bad looking, so he shouldn't find it that difficult, provided he could avoid belching directly in their faces. He was always teasing Rimmer, he had to have some idea.

'Not now, Teresa, I am assisting these two beautiful women,' he told me theatrically, probably trying to get laid. Deciding on being his wingwoman as a thankyou for rescuing me from Todhunter a few weeks ago, I decided to play the role of a scorned ex lover.

'But Olaf,' I whined seductively, throwing myself up against his chest. 'Don't you remember when I was a beautiful woman you would assist?' Nuzzling into his sweaty neck, I moved to kiss just behind his ear. 'No one has ever made love to me the way you could, Petersen, just one last time, please. I can't stand it, all those nights alone without you.'

'I can't, Teresa,' he replied, turning his head away dramatically, catching on to what I was doing. 'Our time making love together is over, we can never be together again.'

'Don't do it, Olaf,' I threw my head back. 'I need you.'

'No Teresa,' he said. 'We are over.'

He pulled away and then threw his head up in the air dramatically as the girls followed after him, suddenly very intrigued. I figure what the hell, Todhunter had already been destroyed after spreading rumours about me, these girls wouldn't dare try it, even if what they had seen was technically true.

Running down the corridor I eventually caved, giving up on finding him myself, I asked Holly. Otherwise I'd be running around all day and I did actually want to go to my quarters and doss around for a bit. He was reportedly in the medical bay for some reason, Hollister said he was over the shrooms. Guess it was about something else. Or worse, I realised. I ran down there as quickly as I could, fearing the Captain's concerns were legitimate. Stories of horror running through my mind. Damn that smeg head!

'Excuse me,' I panted, reaching a medical officer, sweaty hands slamming down on the reception desk after I burst through the double doors. 'Captain Hollister sent me,' I gasped.

'What does the Captain require?' He asked, looking distastefully at me for breathing heavily as I was. Screw you, guy, we couldn't all be track stars.

'Information,' I replied, regaining myself, standing up a little straighter. 'He spoke to Second Technician Arnold Rimmer several times today and..'

'He's been admitted, yes,' the officer cut me off. He walked around the counter, holding a clipboard to his chest, presumably Rimmer's chart. 'If the Captain was concerned about Rimmer's psychotic state, he was right to be. We've given him a stomach pump and a blood transfusion so there's no possible way for the mushrooms from Titan to still be in his system. You can see him if you like.'

'Mushrooms did all this?' I asked in disbelief, looking through the window at Rimmer who was wearing a little cap and a gown. He had a pained look on his face as he lay there, and my heart gave a pang. Poor Rimmer, guy couldn't catch a break. And poor Dave, he probably felt terrible about this.

'We think so,' the doctor replied. Then he shrugged, glancing away from Rimmer and over to me. 'We'll find out after this I suppose.'

'I'm glad you can be so precise,' I replied sarcastically, walking with him into Rimmer's room. That was pretty usual for doctors really, they didn't know until they were absolutely sure and then they were wrong. Especially ones employed by the Jupiter Mining Core. I'd had a theory - with Lister, of course - that the JMC went to the medical board and found everyone who'd lost their licence recently, and rounded them all up for a tour. And they never lasted here either.

'Mister Rimmer,' the doctor cleared his throat. 'You've got a visitor.'

'If it's Lister, tell him to go away, I don't want to see him. I don't want him anywhere near me,' Rimmer replied, still laying down. He hadn't opened his eyes, and absolutely looked abysmal. I wandered over to his bed and perched on the edge, resting my hands in my lap.

'It's Miss Kochanski,' the doctor replied, turning on his heel and heading for his office. 'I'll leave you to it, Teresa,' he called back over his shoulder.

'Teresa,' Rimmer brightened, trying to sit up. Reaching out, I pressed the flat of my palms to his chest and pushed him back down. He needed his rest. 'God, it was awful, I saw my own head come out of the table. He said he was from the future, that I would be dead in 3 million years.'

'Would you really?' I replied sarcastically. He brightened then, pointing agitatedly at me and nodding.

'That's what I said,' he replied, still out of it. He slumped back down against the pillows and stared at the ceiling. I watched him recount his story empathetically, still resting my hands on him. 'And then there was a chicken in my room, it sounded like Hollister.'

'Actually, that was Hollister,' I explained, patting him sympathetically. 'There's a costume party tonight at the disco, you painted the Captain.'

'Oh smeg,' Rimmer replied in realisation. He sat up, pushing my hands off him so he wouldn't be forced down onto the thin mattress again and shoved his fist into his mouth, biting down anxiously. 'Oh no. No. No. NO!'

'He's not angry anymore,' I told him, waving my hands at him, trying to calm him down. The machine beside his bed wouldn't stop going off, making a loud alarm noise and I knew it wasn't good. I was pretty sure it was his EKG, and the stress of what had happened would make his heart explode. Or at least the monitor. 'I spoke to him, and now he's just concerned about your safety and wellbeing.'

'You spoke to him, on my behalf?' Rimmer looked at me surprised. Nodding, I tilted my head to the side. I mightn't have liked him much, but this was kind of Lister's fault. And smoothing over the messes of my friends was kind of my thing. Not that I had many friends to do that for anymore.

'Course I did, you're Lister's mate,' I explained, unsure of how else to phrase it. 'He's practically family. Any friend of his is a friend of mine.'

'That explains why Peterson and his cronies are so nice to you,' Rimmer replied, looking pained. 'But Lister and I are not mates, he was the one who did this to me.'

'He didn't know they were hallucinogenic,' I defended. In fact, it was on my suggestion he did all this. Well, sort of. I suggested he try to do something nice for the smeg head, try to mend fences. He didn't know what to do until he realised he could cook, and that Rimmer might like a meal. 'He'd never do that to someone, he won't even sleep with anyone when they're drunk, unless he's equally as drunk.'

'Well that fills me with comfort,' Rimmer replied sarcastically.

'Rimmer, he even rescued me from Todhunter, I don't know what would have happened to me if he didn't,' I said and he shot me a sceptical look. Although he did look a little intrigued at what I meant by "rescued". Footsteps sounded on the lino behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see a random medical officer I didn't know well.

'Miss Kochanski, he's good to go now, you can escort him back to his quarters if you like,' the medical officer stated.

'Sure,' I smiled, giving him a nod. 'Rimmer, do you want me to come with you?' I asked, climbing off the bed so I was out of the way of the officer.

'You want to come back to my quarters?' he asked, surprised. Every time I said something to the man it was like I was handing him a high value Christmas present.

'Sure, I promised the Captain I'd see you well,' I replied, watching the medical officer fold down the plastic frame around the bed and park the wheel chair beside the bed.

'The Captain wants me well?' he asked with the same surprise. The officer put the breaks on the chair and then helped Rimmer off the bed and down into the chair. He tucked a blanket over his legs and kicked the breaks back off.

'The Captain cares about all his crew, even especially annoying smeggers like yourself,' I grinned and ruffled his surgical cap.

Walking silently by the orderly as he wheeled Rimmer back to his quarters, I waved to passers by that I knew hoping to mend some fences of my own. I saw Petersen sneaking out of a room, hair all dishevelled and smirked. He winked at me and went on his merry way. Guess I had helped him out. I was on a roll today. Perhaps I'd earned a nap when I got back to my own sleeping quarters.

'So, they won't come back again?' Rimmer asked once we reached his quarters. I shot him an empathetic look as the orderly parked the chair by Rimmer's bunk, kicking the breaks down.

'Just stay calm, keep cool, and get some sleep,' the orderly replied.

'There he is. Sleeping like a baby. I'm going to get better, then I'm going to kill him,' Rimmer said upon noticing Lister. He was dressed differently from before and I wondered why he'd changed. He wasn't the type to bother before bed, unless he was stripping down to his pants. The orderly unstrapped Rimmer from his wheelchair and with my help got him on the bed.

'If you need anything, call Holly,' he said. 'And good luck Teresa,' and with that he left, wheeling the chair out of the room and the door closed after him.

'I bet this is better,' I smiled, sitting down next to him. 'Being in your own quarters, safe and sound instead of in that stuffy medibay.'

'Sure, back in the place where all this smegging stuff started,' he replied, crossing his arms.

'You're not crazy Rimmer,' I smiled softly, tilting my head to the side. 'Stop worrying they'll come back. Listen, I'm going to go get you something to eat, and then I'll come back and help you get to bed, alright.'

'Nothing with mushrooms,' he told me. I wanted to laugh.

'No mushrooms, I promise,' I grinned and ruffled his surgical cap again. He didn't even seem to mind I was doing it, but maybe it was because he'd gone off the deep end. 'I'll be right back.'

Really, I had no idea why I was being so kind to Rimmer, who ordinarily drove me up the wall. But there was something about seeing him like this made me feel pretty bad, plus he didn't have any friends, or anyone else who would take care of him. And that sucked. I went over to the nearest dispenser and asked it for Rimmer's favourite, and didn't take much notice as to what it was. The hardest part of the whole ordeal was remembering his crew number, and quoting it to the machine, but I managed that too. I really was on a roll.

'GO AWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!' I heard screaming from a few corridors ahead and frowned.

'Smeg,' I said and grabbed his food and a water bottle, running down the hallways and back towards Rimmer and Lister's quarters, hoping Lister could handle himself. And wouldn't be surprised at me bursting through the door.

'What the smeg are you yelling about, man?' Lister asked as I got through the door, huffing and puffing a little. Dropping the meal tray down on the table, I leaned over my knees till I got my breath back.

'What happened?' I gasped, looking up at the two of them. 'I came as quickly as I could.'

'They came back again, this time there was two dead me's, and two other Listers, and a strange man with big teeth,' Rimmer replied. Blinking at him, I was surprised I actually knew what he was talking about, or at least, I was pretty sure I knew someone that matched that description.

'You mean the guy in the Liberace costume?' I asked, he nodded. 'I saw him earlier. And there's only one Lister here now, why not sit back down and have some dinner? Hmm?' I soothed, walking over to him with the tray.

'You're probably right,' he nodded, leaning back against his pillow.

'You're just tired,' I told him and he nodded again, letting me come over and help prop him up. Fluffing things up behind him, I guided him back, adjusting his blankets a little.

'I don't usually eat in my bunk,' he stated and I pressed my lips together in a thin line. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to help him over to the table on my own and I wasn't sure he'd let Lister help me.

'I know,' I nodded, continuing what I was doing. 'Just this once,' I told him, setting up his food. Placing the tray on his lap, I took the lid off and handed him the cutlery.

'Why are you helping me?' he demanded.

'Hollister asked me to, I told you. You're still the smeghead you always were, you're just stressed,' I explained, although that wasn't strictly true. Hollister asked me to check in on him, report that back, he didn't ask me to play nurse. But I kind of wanted to, there was this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't let me turn away.

'You want any help?' I heard Lister ask from above, looking over the edge of the bunk at me.

'No, you're alright, Dave. I've got tomorrow morning off so I'll see Rimmer through this and then head off. You get some sleep,' I insisted, glancing up at him. He paused, deciding whether or not he was going to argue. After a moment he gave me a singular nod.

'Alright, you need anything, just wake me,' he replied, laying back down.

'I will,' I smiled up at the bunk above me. 'Night Dave.'

'Night Resa,' he replied and it wasn't long before he was snoring away, loudly. I let out a quiet giggle, putting a hand over my mouth at the chainsaw level snores. Rimmer gave me a funny look at why I was laughing so hard so I pointed up at the bunk above us. He looked unimpressed at my lowbrow humour but nevertheless went back to eating.

'Why are you eating everything separately?' I asked, watching Rimmer eat everything methodically, and only eating one thing at a time. Maybe I should have help cut this up before I gave it to him.

'I like to eat my food alphabetically,' he replied tiredly. Well, that was a new one. Trying not to make him feel embarrassed I tried to crack a joke.

'And I thought I had OCD,' I laughed and watched him eat. Opening his water bottle for him when he asked, I helped him drink before heading to his cupboard, grabbing some pyjamas out for him.

'You finished?' I asked as I watched him try to get up. Pushing him back down, he nodded. 'Here,' I took the tray from him and put it on the table in the middle of the room.

Then I went over to him and helped him sit up facing me, legs dangling over the front of the bed. Bunching up his pyjama pants in my hands, I started pulling the trousers over his feet and legs, pulling them up towards his knees where his surgical gown ended.

'Right,' I said kind of awkwardly. 'You pull them on while I work on unbuttoning your shirt,' I told him, getting up off my knees and turning away from him for privacy.

He told me when I could turn around again and I spun, rushing back over. Reaching behind him, I unfastened his gown, pulling it towards myself and dumping it on the floor beside me. Later, I'd toss it into a laundry hamper but for now it could sit there. He was so close to me his breath fanned over my face, but it didn't seem to annoy me as much as when Todhunter did it. Reaching behind him again, I wrapped the unbuttoned pyjama shirt around his shoulders, getting one arm in and then the next. He was silent the whole time, seemingly content to just let me play nurse with him.

Looking down as I was about to start buttoning his shirt closed, I got momentarily distracted by his abs. I wasn't expecting such a smeghead like Rimmer to be built like this, even his arms are a little bit toned. He was… This upset me greatly. He breathed, and even as his stomach wrinkled because he was sitting slouched, he still had abs and it was attractive. Shakily, my hands hovered over his chest, not daring to touch him or his clothes.

'What?' he asked, seeing something was wrong and I shook my head.

'Sorry,' I replied, going to button his shirt closed, trying not to touch him. 'There,' I smiled when he was fully dressed. Yanking that stupid cap off his head, I tossed it with the gown. 'That's better,' I helped him back against his pillows, pulling the blankets over him and tucking him in lightly.

'I still feel like this is all some kind of practical joke, or a dream or something,' Rimmer said, looking down at him, I spotted the sad, vulnerable look on his face and my heart gave a pang.

'Oh Rimmer,' I sighed, sitting beside him on the edge of his bed. Reaching a hand up to cup his jaw, I stroked his smooth cheek with my thumb. 'You really need to lighten up. Stop being such a stickler for the rules and have a little fun every now and again. People will like you a lot more if you stop putting them on report for stuff.'

'You really think that's all it'll take? They hate me, Teresa, they think I'm a smeghead,' Rimmer said. Snorting, I couldn't fault him there. I certainly thought he was one.

'Stop acting like one then,' I told him, moving my hand to run through his soft, thick hair.

'They hate me Teresa, everyone does,' he winged. Shaking my head at him, I pressed my lips together. He annoyed me, but I didn't hate him. And maybe if I got to know him more, I'd think he was less of a smeghead too.

'I don't hate you.' I rubbed his arm with my other hand, trying to assure him.

'You don't?' he asked, sitting up to look at me.

'No,' I smiled, looking at him, just inches away from my face. I could feel his breath hitting me in the face again and my eyes dropped down to his pale pink lips. They looked so plump and plush and I just wanted to feel them on mine. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, trying to pull myself together. 'No I don't hate you,' I breathed shakily, unsure of what was overcoming me.

'No?' he asked, looking at me in an adoration I'd never noticed before. My heart was racing, pulse hammering in my ears. What the hell was happening to me?

'No,' I confirmed. One of his hands rested on my upper arm, the one that rested on his chest, and I shuddered. His hand almost felt burning hot on my skin and I couldn't hold anything back anymore.

Throwing myself forwards, I quickly closed the gap between us connecting our mouths. Kissing the soft, plump lips I'd been admiring, the ones that were usually twisted into a smarmy smirk, telling everyone he was putting them on report. They were surprisingly quiet as he kissed me back, unproblematic and gently, providing just the right amount of pressure. A hand slid to the back of my neck, fingers knotting themselves in the hair at the nape and his tongue slipped into my mouth, making me moan in surprise. Dropping my hand to the bed beside us, his warm and much larger hand moved forward to hold it, intertwining fingers with mine. It was tender, completely different to what I would have imagined a moment like this would be like, if I'd spent the time imagining something as disturbing as this. Shifting forwards, moulding my torso into his, I slipped my own tongue between his lips, running it over the back of his teeth. He jumped in surprise but moved forward, tilting his head for a better angle and kissing me back with enthusiasm. He held a hand between my shoulder blades and held me to him, my breasts pressing hard to his firm chest. I never wanted to stop.

'Oh my god,' I breathed out in shock as he pulled away for air. The moment of oxygen actually reaching my brain was sobering, suddenly I realised what I was doing. My hand moved up to my mouth, heart hammering in my chest, pulse throbbing in my ears. A deep chill settled against my back.

'That was amazing,' he replied.

'That was wildly inappropriate,' I replied, shocked at my own behaviour. Who the hell did I think I was, Florence fucking Nightingale? I shook my head, how could I do this to someone? I was as bad as Todhunter.

'I mean,' he stuttered out. 'I know you're an officer and I'm a second technician but..'

'No it's not that,' I assured, putting my hand down on his chest. 'No really, that's not what bothers me. It's just so wrong right now, for me to be kissing you. You just got out of the medical unit for Christ's sake. I'm so sorry, I should have never taken advantage of you like that.'

'You've taken advantage of me?' he asked, surprised. Then he looked further aroused, if it was possible, moving in to kiss me again. 'I don't mind, take advantage all you like!'

'Rimmer, listen,' I backed up on the bed, almost at the other end of his bunk. 'You should get some rest, sleep this off.'

'Wait,' he sat further up, reaching out for me. 'I feel fine, you should stay.'

'No,' I replied, getting up. Dropping down quickly I grabbed the cap and gown, holding them to my chest as if they were some sort of protective weapon. 'No, I shouldn't stay,' I told him and then softened, seeing his heart broken face. I wanted to sit down again, even just to sit by him while he rested. 'Come and see me, when you're better. We'll organise to go for a drink. Or we could have a tea in the cafeteria,' I assured him.

'You promise?' He asked.

'I promise,' I nodded. And that wasn't me fobbing him off, after a kiss like that, I really meant it.

Rimmer

Boots methodically hitting the flooring of the drive room, I glanced back over my shoulders at my underlings. They looked frustrated, as if somehow they expected anything to change for them with their imbecilic scheming.

'So that was a bit of a wasted trip,' the Cat commented and I simply shrugged.

'It was nice seeing her again, just seeing her,' Lister replied, slumping down into his chair. 'Even if she was with that plonk.'

'Lister that plonk was you,' I pointed out and he shot me a look. Thinking about that day, I got lost in my own thoughts. Thinking about that day, all those years ago, it finally really hit me. I was discovering only now, that that kiss we'd shared wasn't a hallucination, and she really had said she hadn't hated me, really had kissed me. It was real, and I'd been too terrified to do anything, and now she was dead. Oh how I'd been a fool.

'No I'm me,' Lister replied. 'He was different.'

'Yeah, he was you in five years, you goit,' I snapped, shaking my head. 'Now I wanna know if it worked.'

'You wanna know if your whacked out of your mind on mushrooms self decided to go into stasis?' Lister asked in disbelief.

'I can answer that one for you myself, not-buddy,' the Cat replied.

'What's happening dudes,' Holly said, hopping back onto the monitors and out of Lister's watch.

'Did it work?' I demanded.

'Did what work?' Holy asked.

'Did I manage to save myself, is anyone in stasis?' I explained.

'Oh bugger,' Holly replied.