Chapter 4: Bugger

Teresa

Beads of sweat rolled down my spine, even going as far as my arse crack, and if I wasn't so focused on getting this ship repaired, I'd be much more upset about it. In fact, my skin would be crawling, and I'd be itching for a shower. Starbug four was in desperate need of a hull repair, and the blowtorch was hot, but ultimately necessary. Plus, focusing on these repairs helped me forget how upset I was over the whole Rimmer thing. He'd still not met me for a cuppa, not joined me for a drink somewhere, in fact, it was like he was avoiding me. And it hurt. Why did I feel this way over some guy I didn't even like?

'Warning,' Holly called above me. 'Warning, Kochanski Teresa, this is a warning.'

'What is it, Holly?' I asked, turning off the blowtorch and pulling up my welding mask. Putting the torch down, I used this as a good opportunity to get a drink of water. Opening my water bottle I took a deep swig. Hissing, I relished in the feeling of the cool liquid pouring shamelessly down my throat, catching on the corners of my mouth and dribbling down my neck to my cleavage.

'I've had to seal off the cargo decks and the shuttle bay, there's an emergency,' Holly told me, sounding worried. I'd never heard a computer sound stressed, sound afraid before. 'There's a radiation leak.'

'Oh my god,' I gasped, shaking my head. 'Is everyone okay?'

'It's spreading throughout the main decks of the ship, I've issued a warning,' he said, that fear sounding in his voice still. 'You need to get into Starbug's stasis booth before it's too late. Go Teresa, I can save you.'

'Right,' I nodded, wasting no time sliding out from under Starbug four and running up the stairs into the ship. Slamming my hand down on the button for the stasis pod, I waited anxiously for it to come down. 'Holy what's going to happen to the rest of the crew?' I asked, jumping into the pod and starting the freezing process. Hopefully someone would be around after this to let me out.

'I'll do everything I can,' he told me and I nodded. 'You'll be safe in here, Teresa, don't worry. I'll keep you safe.'

Rimmer

'Oh bugger,' Holly said, that stupid geriatric computer. What the hell had he messed up now? He was no use, that thing, if we had any opportunity to replace him, we should, first chance we got. Anything would be better than him, he was a colossal smeg up of a man, no not man, he was a colossal smeg up of a computer, if you could even call him that. He was a disgrace to the JMC, and I couldn't wait to be rid of him.

'What do you mean, oh bugger, Hol?' Lister asked, turning to the monitor, slightly cross and folding his arms over his chest. It was almost funny, seeing the baboon-like gimboid look cross, especially when it was over the same thing I was cross about

'I mean I've gone and buggered something up, I have,' he replied, as usual providing absolutely no additional information whatsoever. We were probably leaking more than stasis at this point and he'd simply forgotten to tell us about it. Water? Fuel? Probably oxygen and then Lister and the Cat would die and it would be just me and the geriatric on the monitor.

'What have you buggered up?' Lister demanded, losing his patience. That was it, wasn't it? I'd called it right, hadn't I? Knowing us oxygen would be leaking out the side of the ship and we were doomed to die, for some of us, again. With the side of the ship breached, I'd likely be sucked out the hole, light bee and all. Smegging hell.

'Well, I've only gone and forgotten about her, haven't I?' Holly replied, looking actually guilty for a change. He's never shown remorse before now. It perplexed me, and then it vexed me. He couldn't just tell us straight, could he?

'Forgotten about who?' Lister cried, just as frustrated as I was.

'Teresa,' Holly replied.

'You mean Sexy Space Lady is alive?' The Cat asked. My heart leapt up into my throat, or it would have, had I still had a working one. My pulse, no matter how artificial, hammered in my ears. I could barely hear the conversation around me. She was alive.

'You mean Teresa is in stasis booth two, and has been this whole time, and you just forgot to wake her up?' Lister asked, annoyed.

'No, I'm not a complete idiot,' Holly argued, which was debatable. 'She's in the stasis unit onboard Starbug four.'

'You left her alone in the shuttle bay for three million and three years?' I asked, outraged. My whole being was filled with rage, Teresa, my Teresa, was left all alone down there, anything could have happened to her and this goit, this absolute imbecile was responsible. My darling girl, the one who'd actually kissed me all those years ago. My Teresa, my precious Teresa, was all alone.

'Alright come on,' Lister said. 'We're going down there to wake her up.'

He turned away from the monitor to go down to the lifts to the shuttle bay to find I had already raced off down the hallway. He was barely at the door when I was waiting by the lift. The Cat followed a few steps in front of Lister, yowling as he moved down the hall. If I could have been, I would have anxiously been pressing the call button over and over until it arrived. This was my second chance, I had to see her.

Teresa

Groggy, I came to the realisation I was awake. Everything was foggy, and I had no idea where I was or how I came to be here. Taking a moment, I stared at the ceiling of the pod-like thing I was in. There was a thick white strip taped to the ceiling with bold black text reading Stasis Pod: One.

'Good evening, Teresa,' Holly greeted, and I relaxed a little at the familiar voice. Smacking my lips together I tried to fathom why I was here, why I felt like I'd been asleep for years. Why I felt like I'd just woken up from a coma. 'It is now safe to emerge from stasis, welcome back aboard Red Dwarf.'

'What time is it, Holy,' I groaned, jet lagged and confused. Stasis didn't normally feel this horrible, in fact, it didn't normally feel like anything. You just suddenly were. 'Where am I?'

'You're onboard Starbug four, you entered stasis when I sealed off the shuttle bay and the cargo decks to protect you from the radiation leak,' he explained. Admittedly, that did sound a little familiar. But why was I down in the shuttle bay in the first place? And why had he bothered to save me?

'Of course,' I nodded, squinting up at the ceiling of the pod. 'What happened, is the crew okay?'

'Most of the crew is dead, wiped out in the radiation. All that is left is Dave Lister who was also in stasis during the leak, and Frankenstein, his pregnant cat who was safely sealed in the hold,' Holly explained slowly.

'So what happens now Holly?' I asked, laying still until I could muster the strength to get up. For some reason my body felt as though it was composed of lead. I was so heavy. Why was I so heavy? 'Where's Lister?'

'I'm here,' I heard Lister say as he stepped into view. Turning my head, I found him looking down fondly at me, big cheesy grin on his round face. My heart beat a little faster, knowing that whatever was going on, I was safe with him here. 'Better let me do the explainin' from here, Hol,' Lister said.

'How long have I been out?' I asked, still reeling from the effects of the pod.

'Three million and three years,' Dave explained and I spluttered, shooting upright. My legs swung over the side of the bed in the pod, hitting the metal flooring with a thud. While I couldn't really feel them, I tried to get myself out of the bed.

'Three million and three years?!' I replied outraged. Wait a minute, why specify the three? Over three million years was still three million years.

'Well yeah, the radiation had to dissipate before it was safe for anyone to come out,' Lister explained, as if he actually understood this kind of thing. Shooting him a sharp glare, I silently demanded more information. 'You were only supposed to be in for three million years but Holly sort of forgot.'

'SORT OF FORGOT!' I raged, throwing myself up and immediately regretting it. My body gave way, knees buckling, and I immediately went to drop, the only thing stopping me from hitting the deck was Lister's swift catch. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me with his sturdy frame. My stupid legs didn't work? Why wouldn't they work? 'How do you sort of forget about a human you have stashed away in the shuttle bay?'

'Hey, I've been very busy, I'll have you know,' Holly replied indignantly. Glaring at his face on screen I'd have punched it if I wouldn't have to be the one to repair it, and if I had the strength to do so, and if I wouldn't immediately regret it as pain shot right up my arm. Okay, I wouldn't.

'Anyway,' Lister dragged my attention back to him, giving me a little shake as I remained in his arms. Hopefully my ability to walk would return soon. 'It's just me, you, and the Cat.'

'Frankenstein is still alive?' I asked, surprised. Three million and three years… That had to be the Universe's oldest cat.

'No,' Lister snorted, shaking his head, breath fanning over the top of my head. 'The Cat, is his name. He evolved from Frankie, like we sort of evolved from apes, he evolved from cats over the last three million years, he's human..ish.'

'So it's you, me, a humanoid cat, and a geriatric computer with memory problems,' I replied, nodding as he held me up, still supporting all of my body weight. No luck on that walking front. He let me grip him as hard as I wanted as I waited for my body to start working again, which was good, as I was letting out my frustration by this means.

'Well sort of,' he replied, looking nervously over his shoulder. 'There's also..'

'Hi Teresa,' Rimmer walked into the room, dressed neatly in his uniform, tie done up to his top button and shirt tucked into his trousers. I looked him up and down and he was exactly the same as I remembered him, except he had a gigantic metal 'H' on his forehead. He was dead. My bottom lip trembled, this was all so much to take in. My heart sank a little as I stared at the grey letter, woefully sad for someone I didn't used to care about.

'Rimmer,' I replied, a little shocked. Probably a little more shocked than I should have been, considering a hologram was the least odd thing about all the news I'd just been receiving. I mean, three million years in space, a cat man, my best - probably only - friend Lister being the only other survivor, and the computer just forgot to wake me, a hologram was the most normal part of all this, if you could believe it.

'If you don't mind me asking,' I said, looking a little sheepish as I tried to say this delicately. But there really was no way to phrase this without sounding like an arse. 'Why you?' I asked, staring straight at Rimmer. He didn't look bothered by the question, or hurt like I thought he would. He didn't even have a snappy, spiteful retort.

'Holly thought he was the best person to keep me sane,' Lister explained, I scoffed, shaking my head a little.

'Sane?' My eyebrows shot through my hairline. 'He drove you mental,' I said and then turned to Rimmer, 'no offence.'

'None taken,' he replied, putting a palm up to brush me off. 'Lister drove me mad as well.'

'I mean, why not someone who was actually capable of getting us home, like a science officer or a navigations officer?' I asked, shaking my head in confusion. This made no logical sense. None of this made any sense. 'What happened to George?'

'We're three million years in space, there's nothing they could do,' Lister replied. So Holly had just kept us going in a straight line for three million years? Why hadn't he parked?! 'And it wouldn't really make sense for it to be me, you, 'n George.'

'We don't know that,' I replied, not entirely convinced this wasn't some elaborate practical joke Lister had somehow managed to get Rimmer involved in. 'Alright then, where's this human cat man?' I asked.

'Yowwwwwww,' I heard a cry from the other room and a guy in a flamboyant suit skated across the floors towards me. I blinked. He was familiar. I'd definitely seen him before. 'You called for me, baby?'

'This is the Cat,' Lister introduced. Blinking again, I was surprised, I actually knew this guy. I'd seen him before. That was just a further point in the, "this was an elaborate joke" camp.

'This is the Liberace guy from that fancy dress party, I remember him, you were hanging out with him,' I remembered. 'And he thought he hallucinated you,' I said, pointing at Rimmer. 'How is this possible?'

'Actually, that wasn't really me, or it was but it wasn't me from then, it was me from now,' Lister explained, sort of. Turning to him, I shook my head as he held me, wondering why the three dumbest men in the universe were in the room with me, trying to explain incredibly complicated science, and matters of the space time continuum.

'It was a stasis leak,' Rimmer explained, being oddly gentle. That stupid git had never treated anyone delicately in his entire life and now he was talking to me like I was a lost child. 'We found one on floor 16 and we went back to see if we could save someone. Lister was going back because he thought he was marrying your sister.'

'What's a stasis leak?' I asked, looking between the lot of them. Even during my time in college and the academy, I'd never heard of anything like a stasis leak.

'It's a rent in the space-time continuum,' Rimmer started to explain, bringing his hands up and starting to pace around like he was leading a lecture. 'It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.'

'The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it preserves whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into part of floor 16,' Lister explained and I nodded. This was ridiculous, but then again, I didn't really have another explanation if my prank theory didn't prove true.

'Seems like everything on this ship is leaking,' I muttered bitterly. 'Radiation, stasis, what's next, oxygen?'

'I said that,' Rimmer said proudly, as if waiting for me to smile at him, encourage him and remark something about great minds. 'I thought that when he told us about you. We do that a lot, you and I, don't we? I remember when I was hallucinating and you took care of me, I told you I'd be dead in three million years, do you remember?'

'I remember,' I said with a tired sigh. He was acting like a puppy, or the teacher's pet desperate for adult attention and I really didn't have the energy to deal with it. I felt so damn tired.

'Cheer up smeghead,' Lister grinned his signature cheesy grin and clapped a hand down on my back, rubbing his knuckles lightly on my head. Sighing, I realised at least for now, I had to play along.

'So what now?' I asked, moving to stand on my own. My legs were shaky, but I'd managed to get relative control of my body, and made my way out of Starbug. Slowly descending the steps, Rimmer walked in front of me, arms up like he was my spotter, as if I wouldn't fall directly through him should he try to catch me. He truly was an odd one.

Walking towards Lister's quarters, Rimmer walked backwards in front of me, talking to me like I was a dangerous dinosaur from one of the Jurassic Park movies. He had his hands up in front of him like he was afraid I was going to hit him with the blowtorch and toolkit I was holding should he say the wrong thing. Apparently nobody had pointed out to him he was in fact a hologram and they would go straight through. It was inherently obvious to everyone else he was all but a ghost, but he still acted like a fully functioning human being. Unless of course the giant 'H' was a tattoo on his head. Yet another point in the "this is all an elaborate joke" camp.

'Now unfortunately,' Rimmer warned, delicately, sending a new wave of irritation through me. I was starting to wish he was solid so I could deck him. 'The top floor of the officer's quarters has been decontaminated, but we're still working on B-Deck.'

'So what does that mean?' I asked, prodding him further.

'That your quarters haven't been decontaminated,' he replied, if I had a hand free, I'd be slamming my palm into my forehead. Sighing, I stopped where I stood, trying to push away the rage. He was trying, however irritating it was.

'No, I know that Rimmer, that I understand,' I said, pressing my lips together for another brief pause. I didn't want to be rude, but he was really pushing my buttons. 'What does,' I sighed again. 'How long until decontamination is finished, and where will I be staying in the meantime?' I clarified.

'Oh,' he responded shortly. Blinking at me. He hadn't been expecting that.

'We're looking at three days to maybe a week. It used to take two, but we're getting better at it all,' Lister said, reappearing behind me. He'd gone off on his own the moment I'd left Starbug four, leaving me alone with Rimmer, which I would probably never forgive him for.

The three of us walked the rest of the way into their quarters and I put the tools down on the table, slumping into a chair. The skutters trailed behind him as he carried a cardboard box that read Drive Room in big bold letters. Dumping it in front of me on the table, I peeked over the edge of it and milled over its contents. Filled with personal things he'd most likely pilfered up from various crew quarters, he'd tried to find me some possessions until my own quarters were decontaminated. 'I've been going through all the safe decks to find some things for you until we can get yours back.' Called it.

'Thanks Dave,' I smiled, trying to be kind despite my frustration. This was a lot to take in. 'I really appreciate this,' I told him. 'I'm… you can tell I'm a bit frustrated, but I do appreciate this.'

'It's no bother,' he smiled warmly, not seeming to mind my attitude in the slightest. 'We're stuck together now, I've gotta help you,' he joked.

'How will we cope,' I laughed, pushing up out of my chair. Wrapping my fingers around the edge of the box, I picked it up and took it out to the hall.

'So, I'll be showing you to your temporary quarters,' Rimmer jumped in front me, like a child not getting enough attention from their mother. He was always seeking some kind of attention, I was aware that he had brothers, but I had assumed being the baby, he'd get plenty of attention. 'It's just one room down from Lister and I, should you need anything. Anything at all,' he assured. 'At any time. Any time, really, it's no bother.'

'Great, thanks Rimmer,' I replied, walking inside the room with a single bunk on each wall. I dropped the box down on one of the beds and slumped down on the other. The door wooshed closed behind me, sealing me away from the others, Rimmer especially, as it shut in his face. I couldn't deal with this right now.

'Hey Hol,' I asked, staring up at the ceiling. My body still ached, and I felt weak, a little dizzy. This didn't ordinarily happen with stasis.

'What's happening, dude?' He replied, popping up on screen like he did whenever I called.

'How come, if I went into stasis, a mode where I didn't exist in time or space, frozen, expending no energy,' I said, glancing over at the screen.

'Right,' he nodded. 'I'm with you.'

'Then how come, I'm so tired?' I asked. 'I shouldn't… Why do I feel like I've run a marathon while my head was submerged in a bucket of paint thinner?'

'Well,' he paused for a second, bouncing his head around from side to side as he entertained his theory. 'Either, you were tired when you went into stasis...'

'Hol don't give me that crap,' I snapped, rolling my eyes.

'The stasis pods in the 'bugs aren't as good as the ones on the main deck,' he replied honestly then. 'JMC skimped out on them, you know they were decommissioning the Dwarf eventually. In fact, that model of Starbug eventually got recalled. They can keep you in stasis, and freeze time around you like the more advanced booths aboard the Dwarf.' Red Dwarf being more technologically advanced than something, anything, that's a new one. Red Dwarf had peanuts on-board that were more technologically advanced than the mining ship, hence why it was due to be decommissioned, and sooner rather than later. 'So it takes a bit of energy to not exist and then start existing again,' he explained.

'That seems very pseudo, Hol,' I told him, not really believing him but not having much of a choice of other explanations.

'He never knows anything,' Rimmer stated, becoming annoyed seemingly on my behalf. Having walked through the closed door, unbothered by me shutting it in his face, he walked up to my side. Well, I guess he really was a hologram then. 'He's supposed to have an IQ of 6000 but he never knows anything.'

'He's been on his own for three million years,' I replied. 'It's probably a combination of him having been running for millions of years, and being alone. I'll have a look at his systems tomorrow, try and figure out why he forgot me.'

'Again, so sorry for that. So sorry,' Rimmer apologised. Scoffing, I glanced over at him from my spot on the bed. Propping myself on my elbow, I rested my head on my palm.

'You didn't forget me, why are you apologising?' I asked, running my other hand over my face.

'I just don't want you to be angry,' he replied awkwardly, shuffling from foot to foot. 'Or feel unimportant,' he said more quietly. He was almost being endearing right now, rather than just being annoying.

'How did you find me?' I asked, pushing up and crossing my legs in the lotus position.

'We found a stasis leak on floor 16,' he told me and I glared at him. While I could be patient, there was a limit to how patient I could be. And we were steadily approaching that limit.

'I remember,' I replied, resting my elbow on my knee and then my head on my hand. 'A conversation we had not an hour ago.'

'Well,' he continued, taking my irritation in stride. 'We went through it, I tried to save my life, get put in stasis booth two, and when I asked Holly if it worked he said "Oh bugger," ' Rimmer explained, even doing the voice for Holly. I smiled, hearing him do it remarkably well.

'Well I'm glad you did, I suppose, otherwise no one might ever have found me,' I replied, smiling softly. 'So you went back the day of the costume party? The day you thought you'd had another dose of the mushrooms?' I asked, thinking about how sweet he'd been to me that day.

'Yeah,' he answered, nodding. 'It's an uncomfortable thought, knowing I sent myself into trip-out city through my own poor attempt at cheating death.'

'It ended up alright though,' I said once I'd finished laughing. He could be legitimately funny when he wanted to be. Why couldn't he be this way all the time? 'We're here, we're relatively safe, and there's always tomorrow,' I yawned, dropping further back into the pillows.

'You should get some sleep,' Rimmer said, looking concerned down at me. 'If you feel worse, call. I doubt that goit will be able to do anything, but still..'

'Hmmm,' I responded, barely comprehensible. My body felt like it was made of lead again and I sunk deeper into the crappy mattress.

'Goodnight, Teresa,' he said softly and I muttered something even I didn't know as I tried to say goodbye. I was exhausted. So exhausted, I missed a perfect opportunity to bring up that kiss. It had been three weeks since then - well, three million and three years, and three weeks, but still only three weeks - and it haunted me. I could still feel his lips against mine.

Rimmer

Staring down at her peaceful face, I longed so much to be climbing in beside her, offering her a kiss goodnight. One smaller, less intense than how we'd kissed in my bunk, but only because we did that kind of kissing all the time. This was a simple, soft goodnight kiss, but I couldn't because we weren't seeing each other, and I was dead. Oh what a fool I'd been not to find her again, to have that cup of tea with her she'd asked for, not to grab her that night and kiss her again.

'Goodnight Teresa,' I said quietly as I left the room, sending one last look her way. She was laying with her eyes closed, barely awake. Her soft lips so dark and kissable. Those plush, luxurious lips, I could still remember their taste. Damn it, Arnie!

'Hmmm, love you,' she muttered semi-incomprehensibly, words garbled as she pressed her face into the pillow and spoke in a questionable state of consciousness. My heart soared, I was so elated I felt almost as if I could take flight then and there. She remembered the kiss too!

She loves me, I thought, only for that thought to immediately be shot down, snuffed out and sent spiralling down into the pavement below as I realised she probably wasn't talking to me. In her half state of delirium, she could have been muttering to anyone. She didn't love me, it was wishful thinking. Bugger.

Teresa

I couldn't sleep. After some hours of being fully, and dreamlessly unconscious, I woke up only to be dreadfully tired yet unable to get back to sleep. Tossing and turning throughout the night I eventually sat up with a sigh. My hopes of a good night's rest were toast. I was alone in the universe, more or less. The dark, white flecked void of nothingness and my only companions were a half senile, geriatric, computer, a mutant feline, a cluster of light that was once a human being, and my sister's ex boyfriend. Lovely.

Putting the heels of my hands to my eyes and resting my head in my hands, I sighed, trying to take it all in. In a way, I was grateful, I suppose, to have been spared from the pain of a radiation leak, of the coursing heat, and chemical reaction that eradicated cells, and turned you into white powder. I was grateful, I suppose, to be spared from an agonising death. But at what cost? How was this considered life? Why had he bothered to wake me up at all?

Standing up, I realised, at some point in my sleep I'd kicked off my trousers and boots, so I was left padding through the room in my black socks and underwear, my oily, sweaty, three million year old tank top still covering my chest. Walking over to the door in the dark, I opened my mouth to speak. All that came out was a hoarse croak. Clearing my throat, I tried again, very quietly asking Holly to turn the corridor lights off and then open the door. Walking through to Lister and Rimmer's sleeping quarters, I contemplated knocking on the door. If they were asleep, I didn't want to wake them, but Rimmer had insisted I could come by at any time. If I needed anything at all. Pressing the door release, I discovered they'd left it unlocked. That was nice of them. Shuffling through the dark room, and over to Lister's bunk towards the telltale, chainsaw snores that echoed throughout the room. How Rimmer managed to sleep, I couldn't explain.

'Lister,' I whispered, poking the sleeping gentleman, as the dark figure awkwardly looming beside him. He didn't budge at first. I poked him a little harder.

'Hmmm,' he hummed, semi-conscious.

'Lister,' I said louder and shook him slightly.

'Hmmm, what?' He hummed and then I just whacked him one. He jerked awake and then he softened when his eyes adjusted to the dark and saw me. 'What's the matter?' He groaned.

'I uh, I guess I couldn't sleep,' I answered, shifting from foot to foot as I stood in just my pants and tank top. Well, socks too.

'What's bothering yeh?' He mumbled, bringing a hand to his face.

'Uh, lots of things I guess. Like, how'd you cope?' I asked and he sighed, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of his bunk, patting the mattress beside him and motioning for me to come up and join him.

'Cope with what?' He asked although I strongly suspected he already knew. Using Rimmer's bunk to get a leg up, my foot pushed off his mattress, launching me upwards to Lister and I was a little surprised Rimmer hadn't woken and started yelling at us both for being up past bedtime.

'With this,' I gestured in the dark to the room around us, legs dangling over the side of the bunk, just like him. 'I'm uh, I'm angry. Everyone they, they left me. They abandoned me. I was cut off from everyone because I wanted to be a mech. They were so cruel, just because I didn't live up to their social standards anymore, my place in the hierarchy changed. The only people who never treated me any different were your mates, and they were your mates not mine. I never got the chance to get them back onside, or at least prove them wrong, get my own back. Maybe I should be grateful I got to live, and that of all the people I could be stuck with it's my one friend, but I'm just angry they're all dead. I hated them, but it's not fair, I wasn't ready.'

'Hmmm,' he hummed, leaning back against the side wall of his bunk, hands clasped over his stomach. He thought for a while about what he was going to say next but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. 'Well, I didn't, not for a long time. Cope, I mean. Went down the disco, got drunker than I'd ever been. Got all done up in me Hawaiian shirt like I used to, as if it would bring me some kind of erm, comfort. But it didn't bring me any, I just sat there thinking about Petersen, Chen, Selby, all me mates now dead. Krissy was gone, and I was gonna get her back but I never got the chance. Everyone was gone and I was miserable.'

'Was?' I asked, surprised he was admitting all this to me.

'I got over it,' he replied with a shrug. I scoffed, shaking my head, as if it was that simple. 'We've turned the ship around now, we're going back to earth. I don't care what's left, we're going back and I'm going to Fiji, whatever's left of it. I'm gonna have a farm with a sheep, and a cow, and three horses.'

'Your five year plan,' I whispered, remembering when he'd first told me about it. He was determined to do it, so instead of telling him he'd never do it, I decided to support him in the best way I could, by giving the knowledge I possessed.

'Exactly,' he grinned, nodding with that cheeky little smile he always had. I adored that smile and his carefree attitude. He was the older sibling I'd always envisioned having, instead I got stuck with Kristine. 'Krissy mightn't come now, but I've got you - me best mate - and I've got the cat. Okay it's not Frankenstein, but he's still a cat. And maybe we can get a tv screen for Holly, and a projector or something for Rimmer.'

'Maybe,' I nodded, pressing my lips together in a thin line, thinking bitterly about the situation I'd just been dumped in. 'I just,' I sighed. Shifting so I was laying on his bed, back propped up against the opposite wall to Lister's headboard.

'What?' he asked, prodding me gently. 'You've never been one to hold your tongue.'

'I was so envious of you, Dave. You had friends, you were you around them, and they liked you. Mine dropped me and. I was cutoff, I had no one. Sure, your mates were always nice to me but they were your mates not mine. You were the only person who was ever kind to me and I'm angry that they're all dead anyway.'

'You don't have to like someone to be upset they're dead, Resa,' Lister said rather wisely. 'I even miss that scary catering officer with all the moles that used to yell at me and call me Hank.'

'I had my own plan too, maybe not five years, but I had things I wanted,' I told him and he hummed in acknowledgement. 'I wanted the old dream, an ordinary, boring house in the middle of suburbia. The sitcom neighbours that I would hate and be stuck with, I was gonna have kids. I was gonna find someone who didn't just want to sexually assault me like Todhunter, I was gonna marry them, and we would've had kids. And I'd have raised them, you know I'd have been around, I'd have been home. And I'd have worked on building stuff in the garage, I could have helped them with their homework, in every class. And when they were older, I'd have gone into teaching, I'd work at the academy or something, and I'd educate the next generation of space explorers or something. This wasn't what I saw for myself, being stuck in outer space with nothing.'

'I know kid,' he nodded, listening to every word. 'This smeggin sucks.'

Rimmer

Lying awake in bed, jolted awake by the foot beside my head using my bed as a springboard to Lister's bunk, and the jarring silence that was left in the wake of the chainsaw snores. I'd grown accustomed to them, Lister's too loud to be healthy snores that suddenly weren't ringing throughout the room, and it was hard to sleep without them. They were talking, laying there and talking about what they'd lost, as if they didn't see the highlight. They were alive, which was more than I could say for myself. Hands resting over my stomach, I listened to Teresa, my Teresa, talk about how awful those smegging gits had treated her all that time. It wasn't enough they couldn't see me for the genius I was, treat me with the respect I deserved, they also had to hurt her too. Laying back against my fluffy pillows I listened to all she'd wanted for herself, the family, the house. And I thought about what I wanted too, eventually. What she'd imagined, it was nice. Better than Lister's idea for a farm on what was left of Fiji.

My plan was always to pass my astronavigations exam. I was gonna become an officer, soar up the ranks and be made captain of my very own ship. I was going to get a girlfriend who loved sex and was always trying to have it with me. And after I'd had lots and lots of sex, maybe it would be nice to settle down with a big family house somewhere, a little wife for my children who could help them with their homework. I thought about Teresa's life plan and how much I would have loved to be the one to live it with her. To live with her. To live.

Bugger, I thought. She might not love me, but I just might love her. Bugger, I was dead, wasn't I? Bugger.