Chapter 6: Chess

Teresa

Sighing as I stared up at the ceiling, I tucked my arms behind my head and thought about the situation at hand. JMC did have the regulation that ships were to be fitted with backup computers, but it wasn't one that extended to the whole fleet. There were exceptions, namely ones that were due to be decommissioned within x amount of time from the initial rollout, or ships currently completing a tour which Red Dwarf was both. The Dwarf was ancient, it was so old it was scheduled for decommission decades before the regulations even came out but the company kept extending it's life to save money. While sending her to scrap, Red Dwarf was better off, in their minds, mining than them building an entirely new ship. Building new ships cost money after all, even with all their attempts at cutting corners. Red Dwarf, as far as I could remember, wasn't required to have one fitted under the assumption that the ship would be retired and scrapped within the next few voyages, I was sure I'd heard Hollister mention it. Mind you most of our conversations were about the two of us exchanging various favours rather than rather specific regulations for the ship.

'Queeg to all personnel. Course redirection implemented. New bearing 057-776. Message ends.'

I wished I'd had the chance to look at the navicomm before this takeover though. Then I'd know if Queeg was telling the truth, at least about the circles thing. I just hadn't thought, we'd been taught to trust Holly. But way back then, he was accurate. I sighed again and then got up out of bed. The hangover was getting better, I should confer with Lister. He'd be on board with any investigations I planned on carrying out. That was the good thing about him, it didn't matter how hairbrained, he'd always go along with your ridiculous schemes. He'd know they were stupid, but he'd come along anyway for a laugh. He really was the best friend I'd ever had.

Walking out my door and through the corridor to Lister and Rimmer's room, I saw Rimmer go in just ahead of me. Lister had been right, it was strange me having kissed him. I'd yet to be alone with him since that night I'd kissed him 3 million years ago, so I hoped Lister was there. I didn't want things to be awkward. Mind you, he had been there with me when I'd first woken up, but I was so cross about the situation, I'd barely had time to think about the kiss. It had been three years for him, a matter of weeks for me, he might be over it, but I wasn't. I wasn't even sure of how I felt, just that I knew I'd done it.

Leaning up against the doorframe, I watched Rimmer and Lister deeply engaged in a conversation. So I waited quietly for them to finish before I launched into my plan. Or half plan. Mentioning the idea of coming up with a plan...

'In fact, sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once brought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they would always get you home. Then he got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma. See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, man, y'know? He had a helluva job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day! He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, y'know?'

I smiled at Lister. He was always coming up with stories for a laugh. What I admired about him was that he could come up with them on the fly, he could do it so quickly and so believably you almost didn't realise he was lying. It took a while of knowing him to get used to it, Rimmer was so gullible though he'd known him all this time and never noticed.

'Is this true?' Rimmer asked, almost grinning at the idea.

'Yeah! Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, y'see.'

'Really?!' Rimmer's eyes were almost bulging out of his head with wonder.

'Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away by it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him, he said, it was alright, and all that, and the shoes were happy, and they'd gone to heaven. Y'see, it turns out shoes have soles.'

He'd jumped out of bed and grabbed his hat, walking over to me as he finished his story. He gestured for us to go and I pushed off from the door frame. Usually after a whopper like this you had to make a quick getaway before the victim starts asking questions. He grinned at me as we walked fast down the corridor. I chuckled softly to myself.

'Well, what a sad, sad story.' I heard Rimmer thinking out loud to himself as Lister and I walked away. 'Wait a minute! How did they open the car door?'

He then came rushing down the corridor after us and I looked at Lister and grinned, it was taking everything to not burst into a fit of giggles. He grinned back at me as we pressed the button to the elevator.

'So, what are you plannin' on doin' now Hol's got the sac?' Lister asked.

'Dunno, guess I still gotta sort out that room, place is still a mess no matter who's brain's inside it,' I replied. I pulled out two cigarettes and passed one to him, lighting mine and then passing over the orange bic. He took a drag and then handed me back the lighter, I stuffed it in my pockets. I hoped Queeg didn't hear me say that.

'I suppose you're right,' Lister said.

'You two aren't planning on smoking in the elevator are you?' Rimmer asked when he finally caught up. 'There's a no smoking sign.'

'And who's going to complain about it?' Lister asked.

'I'm going to complain about it, I'm a non-smoker,' he replied.

'Yeah, but it's not exactly like you've got the risk of lung cancer to worry about, why do you care?' I asked, possibly a little harshly.

'It's still a terrible habit, it stinks, and when you think about it, you two are the last human beings left alive, you can't risk it,' Rimmer replied and I rolled my eyes.

'Oh yeah we are the last humans,' Lister said, mockingly thoughtful. 'So I suppose we should get right to repopulatin' hmm?'

He spun towards me and put his hands on my hips lightly gripping the fabric of last night's skirt I still hadn't gotten around to changing out of. Winking at me, I laughed, turning away from the goofball. He pulled me towards him and started swaying us. Goofball he might have been, but from what I remember down at the disco he was always a pretty good dancer, unlike all the upper middle class pricks I always got stuck with. And he'd never tried to put any part of his anatomy under my skirt, and that made him better than most of the men I knew.

'You two are children, absolutely ridiculous,' he replied, looking moderately hurt. I raised a brow and turned back to Lister, who just shrugged. Rimmer turned around and stormed away. Part of me wanted to go after him, but then why should I care he was hurting? Not only did I have bigger fish to fry, he was being a jerk. He almost always was.

'What's with him?' I asked. I wondered how he was feeling since I woke up. Did he even remember the kiss? He didn't talk to me like he did. He didn't seem to care, it was like he was happy with what he'd gotten from me and promptly moved on. It was like it didn't mean anything to him, like I didn't mean anything to him.

'Dunno,' Lister shrugged. 'This is just normal Rimmer behaviour.'

'Do you think it's weird for him?' I asked. 'Me being here so suddenly?'

'Nah,' Lister brushed off. 'Why, has he said sommit?'

'Nah,' I replied. Did he care about it? He's had 3 years to move on, it was my fault but I still felt weird. Three years is a long time, no wonder he doesn't care. Why should he care? It was just one kiss. Hell, why did I smegging care? It was just one kiss.

'Nah?' he asked. I smiled, he could always tell when something was off. I shook my head, I had to stop being hung up on this. It was one smeggin kiss.

'For me, it's only been a few weeks since the shrooms incident,' I explained, biting my lip as I looked down. As ashamed as I felt, Lister didn't seem to be judging me any. That's what was nice about him, I suppose, he was nice. Genuinely nice.

'Ah,' he said, understanding. He flicked some of his cigarette ash onto the floor beside us. 'So it's awkward for you.'

'Well it might be,' I replied, shrugging. 'I'm not sure. I haven't been alone with him since. Actually, until I woke up from stasis, I hadn't seen him since. I've been avoiding him a little bit.'

'Does it matter to you?' Lister asked. 'He seems fine, he's had 3 years to deal with it. Have you?'

'Deal with it, why do I need to deal with it?'

'You snogged him,' Lister said. 'People don't just go around snoggin' for no reason. There's always a reason.'

'And what if I don't know my reason?' I asked, folding my arms over my chest. I was not admitting to Lister I was hurt that Rimmer didn't seem to care. That he wasn't who I saw when we played a brief game of tonsil hockey. And there was no way I was admitting to him that if given the chance, I'd have liked to do it again.

'You've got three million years to figure it out,' he laughed. The lift doors opened. 'Come on, let's go down the disco.'

Jolting awake as an alarm blared through my bedroom, Queeg's face appeared on the screen. Locking eyes with the computer terrorist that had seized control of the ship, I glared. The alarm still sounded as we stared each other down. I was angry, to say the least. It was 6am and I was hungover as hell.

'Off,' I said, not breaking eye contact.

'Your astronavigations shift starts in 1 hour, you are required on the Command Deck in full uniform,' Queeg told me.

'You're taking the smeg. I'm the ship's mech,' I replied. Like fuck was I going to the Command Deck to complete all those calculations this hungover, the computer must be confused. If I even tried I'd probably hurl.

'You are also the only surviving senior member of the crew. The only crewmember who is already trained in astronavigations,' he replied. 'You are required to serve until an applicable officer can be instated and relieve you. Report to the Command Deck in an hour.'

'I'm meant to be repairing the AI suite today,' I replied. I knew he was listening to that conversation in the hall yesterday. This only proved it.

'Report to the command deck in one hour,' he ordered and then switched himself off. Wanker.

'Yep,' I said to myself. 'He's definitely trying to keep me away from his brain. He's hiding something.'

Getting up out of bed, I jumped in the shower. Where the hell was I going to find a uniform to wear up there? The only one I had was my mech coveralls that I'd been wearing when I went into stasis, the rest of my stuff was still up in my actual quarters being decontaminated. Sighing I scrubbed off the discosand from last night that I'd spent more time laying in with Lister after we got ourselves pissed drunk than I did actually dancing in it. I was getting serious whiplash on what my purpose was now all the crew was dead. Dried blood washed off my knees from when I'd skidded across the floor of the holosuite and what had initially been scabbing over started to sting as the soap suds hit it.

Stepping out of the shower I let out a scream, finding the skutters inside with a towel and uniform at the ready. They looked at me, confused as to why I was screaming at them. Yelling sounded from outside and Lister burst through the door. I jumped back into the shower, sliding a little on the tiles as I used the smoky door as cover. If I'd thought, I would have grabbed the towel from Bob.

'Resa, everything alright?' He asked, concerned. 'I heard screamin'.'

'I was not expecting the skutters to be here when I got out,' I replied and he snorted, looking at the three of them staring at him awkwardly, still holding a towel and my uniform.

'Astronav huh?' he asked.

'Don't ask,' I sighed. 'Queeg is making me.'

'Queeg made Rimmer do sit ups earlier,' Lister told me as I reached for the skutter with the towel. Bob wheeled himself closer.

'Why?' I scoffed.

'It's part of his daily routine, he wakes up at 6am and does exercise,' Lister explained, turning around so I could dress. With my underpants and tank top on, I hopped up on the table briefly to put some large plasters from my first aid kit on my knees. 'He's on a run right now. I've got a theory that whatever is on the books for your schedule is what he makes you do.'

'He's gone completely computer psycho,' I told him. 'He knew I was going down to the AI suite today to keep investigating what was goin' on with Hol.'

'You think he's trying to stop you?' He asked.

'Well think about it,' I said, pulling my boots on. 'If I fix Holly, we don't need the backup anymore.'

'So you think he's trying to stop us from putting him down again?' Lister asked, I nodded.

Walking over to him now I was dressed, we headed out the door. Making a beeline for the lifts we paused to avoid Rimmer running right through us. He passed us with his head lolled to the side and charged through the door to his quarters. Raising a brow at Lister, he just shrugged in return. We followed, concerned.

'What's the matter with him?' Lister asked.

'He fainted after the first 500 yards,' Queeg answered and I snorted. So much for me admiring his physique, seems three million years in deep space really grinds down your fitness level.

'What, you made him jog two and a half miles unconscious?' Lister asked.

'It's regulation,' the AI replied.

'Yee-es! Nice one, Queeg!' Lister replied, clearly enjoying the torment of his roommate.

'0700. time for his astronavigation study. I'd better wake him up,' Queeg said and we watched Rimmer's head lift up before his face was slapped by the AI until he woke up. 'Revise and learn pages 21 to 25. You will then be tested. If you fail, tomorrow you will take a five mile jog. I am now returning to you control of your body.'

'You alright?' I asked as he collapsed onto his bunk. He shook his head tiredly, too worn out to actually reply. It was almost instant, he dropped to the bed and I was on my still sore knees in front of him like a concerned nurse. I just couldn't seem to stop playing that smegging role.

'Hey, I can't get any food!' The Cat complained, coming into the room. I assumed since Lister and Rimmer no longer actually had to work for a living they'd let up on the maintenance of the machines around here. I'd have to ask Lister if he'd fix it, I doubted he'd do it off his own back, simply opting for the lazy option if he could.

'Try a different machine,' Lister replied. There it was. Why fix it if you could use another one?

'I tried them all!' He stated indignantly.

'I'm sorry. You have run out of credits,' Queeg told him. The Cat never had credits in the first place, he wasn't a registered crew member.

'They've all gone crazy!' The Cat said to us.

'Queeg, what's happened to the machines?' Lister asked.

'I refer you to article 497. When crewmembers do not have credit, food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored,' Queeg replied.

'Naah. Listen, me and Holly, we had this little understanding...' Lister replied.

'If you want food, you have to work,' Queeg told us all.

'Work?' Lister asked. The Cat turned to him.

'You'd better get to it, 'cos you're looking at one hungry pussycat,' he waved his finger.

'Both of you,' said Queeg and I smirked.

'Hey, hey! Woah, woah, woah, I do not do the "W" word. Cats do NOT work!' Cat said. 'I've got a note from my mummy,' he said and I snorted.

'From now on, EVERYBODY works!' Queeg ordered.

'Not this pussy!' Said the Cat, looking for me to help.

'Teresa you're late for your astronavigations shift, either head to the command deck now or be docked credits,' he told me. Considering what he was doing to the Cat and Lister I figured I'd better go.

Spinning on my heel, I headed up to the deck. At least an astronav shift was only 6 hours. Sitting at the computer with my foot up on the console, marking down notes and taking calculations I lit up another smoke. At least I could be sure we were actually heading in the right direction, well, compass wise. This was all uncharted space, or at least, uncharted to us. We were flying blind without a steering wheel during a hurricane. Boy were we so fucked.

Throwing my head back with a sigh, I rested it against the back of my chair. Knock off time, finally. While I'd never enjoyed astronav, I didn't remember it being this boring before the world died. Tired now because of the early start, hard work, and staying up partying all night with Lister, I yawned. Okay, it was mostly partying all night with Lister. My stomach rumbled, I could really go for some chicken right about now.

'Your astronavigations shift is now over,' Queeg told me.

'Don't need to tell me twice,' I said, getting up and heading over to the vending machine. At least I'd been saving up my credits, so even if I hadn't worked for 3 million years I had more than just the credits I earned mere seconds ago. Perhaps I could get the Cat some food, cheer him up a little. He had lent me an outfit for the disco, it would only be fair.

'You are now entitled to a 1 hour break before your mech shift starts,' Queeg announced.

'My what?!' I cried out, throwing my hands up in outrage. If I could physically fight with machines, I would. 'I just did my shift, I'm not workin' until tomorrow!'

'You will work if you want to stay out of the brig,' he told me. 'You are contracted to work 3120 hours this voyage and have not reported to work in over 3 million years. This is you making up stolen time to the JMC.'

'You and I know, even with my 3 million and 3 year time in stasis I was almost at my 3120 hours and that was 8 months early,' I replied. 'What are you trying to keep me from Queeg? Keep this up and I'm shutting you down first chance I get.'

It was dinner time by the time I finished performing maintenance checks on Starbugs one through three. Leaning up against the wall of the lift, I barely kept myself awake as I waited to be brought to Lister and Rimmer's floor. I had to know what Queeg was up to. He just shut down when I started asking too many questions. Maybe they'd had more luck.

'He's taking the smeg!' Lister yelled down the hall. That wasn't a good sign.

'Who is?' Rimmer asked when I got to the door.

'Queeg. Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking,' Lister held up his fingers in a pinched position before heading back to his dinner. He went to squish it with his plastic knife before he sent it flying by mistake. 'I've lost me pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked.'

'He's just doing this to destroy your morale,' Rimmer said. I'd not thought of that. I thought he was trying to force us into our old routines or what he thought our new ones should be. If we gave up on life, how could we rally to get rid of him?

'Is he? Well, I want me pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea! Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor, if it's covered in fluff, even under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is - it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it no matter what!' Lister said, that was the spirit.

'It flew off into your dirty-sock basket,' Rimmer mumbled and I scoffed.

'I'll just have the toast,' Lister said and I outright laughed. 'Why didn't we stick up for Holly?'

'He threatened to put me in the brig,' I replied. 'He keeps threatening to put me in the brig.'

'I did,' Rimmer argued, ignoring me.

'You did? When?' Lister scoffed.

'All right, I didn't,' he admitted, tilting his head to the side.

'Nobody did. It's terrible,' Lister said and I sighed. I should have pressed harder instead of trying to save my own skin. Hell, maybe I should have called him bluff, had him lock me up.

'We thought we were getting something better,' Rimmer reasoned.

'What about trust? What about fidelity? What about simple, basic honest friendship?'

'We're humans, we're selfish,' I replied.

'Friendship? Do you know how many people I've met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends?' Rimmer asked, finding the energy to stand.

'Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one,' Lister asked and I laughed.

'And that's only because she can't run away,' I joked.

'I'll tell you,' he said and paused. 'None. I got burned once, and I learned my lesson. Don't trust anybody. There was this one lad. Porky Roebuck. I'd known him two years. We were almost family. His dad was secretly knocking off my mum, that's how close we were. Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together.'

'You were in the Space Scouts?' Lister asked.

'Of course he was, what part of Rimmer doesn't scream boyscout?' I asked.

'Oh, yeah,' he agreed, doing the Space Scout Salute.' "Pinkles, Squirmy. Flib Flab Flubber." We were fifteen years old. We went on this survival course, twenty-four hours out in the wilds, sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and things.'

'What, did you go to Butlins?' Lister joked. Rimmer went back to lie down again.

'We were each given a swiss army knife. You only ate what you killed yourself. I remember ten of the boys got together and decided to eat me. They tied me to a stake, lit a fire, and poured barbecue sauce all over me. I remember thinking as I went round and round, "Porky will save me, he's my best friend." It turned out Porky was the ringleader and had actually bagsied my right buttock. If it hadn't been for Yakka-Takka-Tulla, the Space Mistress, I honestly believe they would have eaten me.'

Poor guy, that was harsh. It was stories like that that always made me feel sorry for the guy all those years ago. Yeah he was a selfish, smarmy, ladder climbing wanker, but he'd had things rough, rougher than he deserved. They were rough and probably made him into the smeghead he was today.

'Oh, come on, they were only bullying you. They would really have eaten you! You know what kids are like!' Lister said, flopping down onto his own bunk.

'The point is, Lister, friends are only friends when it suits them,' Rimmer said. As sad as it was, there were a lot of people out there like that. That's why I valued Lister's friendship so much. I really got to know him while he was dating my sister, and he was nice. He was good, he had your back.

'I should head to bed,' I said, rolling my shoulders and heading for the door.

'Oh, lights,' Lister said. As I was leaving I heard one last bit of conversation between the two.

'Lister? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?' Rimmer asked.

'I've been seeing her behind your back,' he replied and I laughed the whole way back to my room.

Dog tired, I wanted to tuck myself up in bed but when I reached my door, I had a thought. Queeg would be expecting me in bed. Of course he was the ship's computer, he could find me if he was looking, but if he assumed I'd be in bed, I might be able to sneak into the AI suite. I headed down the decks, taking the stairs so he wouldn't notice the lift being called.

Once I was down there I pulled out my tool kit and continued the work I was doing down here when we got hit by that meteorite. At least if I got caught Queeg couldn't send me to the brig. Even if I was more tired than a doctor on back to back shifts in A & E, I needed to get this done. Holly was our friend, and we would not let him go quietly.

'Halt! Who goes there: friend or foe?' Holly said as he wheeled into the room. Looking back at him over my shoulder I shot him a desperate look.

'Shhh,' I hushed, putting a finger up to my lips. 'It's me, Hol, how are ya?'

'Oh, alright Teresa, how's it goin then?' He asked, scooting closer to me as I sat down on the floor by the counter I'd been working at most recently.

'I'm doin alright, this Queeg guy is a nightmare. You holdin' up alright?' I asked.

'Oh, this night watchman lark keeps me busy. Shining me torch down corridors. Turning it off. Shining it again. Life's full,' he replied, trying to play it off. My heart gave a soft pang for him. He'd been running the ship before all this, now he was barely a remote controlled telly.

'I'm so sorry this happened to you Holly,' I told him. 'But I'm not giving up. I'm going to fix you, Hol, and we're going to get you your job back. We'll get rid of this Queeg clown, I promise.'

'It's alright Teresa,' he told me. 'Oh, and what are you doin' down 'ere anyway. Aren't you meant to be all tucked up in bed? You've got astronav first thing. It's only in a few hours, aren't you tired?'

'I couldn't even think about sleep knowing how much needs to be done down here, Hol,' I replied. 'If I can find out what's wrong, I can take down Queeg for good, and you'll be back in your rightful place.'

'I'd better keep watch then, stop you from getting caught,' he told me and wheeled himself into the doorway, watching the corridor.

'Thank you, Holly,' I smiled.

'Any time, Teresa,' he replied.

Lister

Holding the broom to me chest so it still looked like I was working, I huddled by Cat and Rimmer. Looking around, I couldn't spot Resa. She should be here, unless Queeg had switched her mech and astro nav shifts. I couldn't believe he was making her work two jobs.

'Where's Resa this morning?' I asked the boys. 'I didn't see her this morning in the hallway.'

'I haven't seen her since she left our room last night,' Rimmer replied, seemingly uninterested. That smegging git, he never cared about anyone but himself. He didn't deserve Resa's little crush on him. I'd kill to have Krissy care about me the way Resa did about him. And that was only after one smegging kiss, I'd gone out with Krissy for weeks.

'I saw her and Holly last night sneaking around in the AI suite,' the Cat told the two in a hushed voice. He leaned over with his broom, also skipping out on his responsibilities in favour of gossiping. 'She was still there when I went by hours later.'

'You're late,' Queeg bellowed and I turned, hearing footsteps behind us. Standing in her uniform and heavy boots, Resa walked forwards with a sharp glare on her face.

'Dock my pay,' Teresa said as she walked over to her chair by the console. She slumped in it and lit a cigarette, immediately starting to write complex gibberish in her notepad.

Teresa

Sitting next to Rimmer as he practised his astonav, I shook my head. God he was shit. I felt bad for the guy, at least if Queeg was nice about it he might have a better chance. If he was repeatedly this bad, it made me wonder why he was even trying for this job. Lister and the Cat were also in the room, wandering around with brooms and pretending to sweep. Lister came over and wiped the screens around me.

'Hey,' he said quietly. Smiling at him with just the side of my mouth, I tried my best to convince him things were going alright, that all moral wasn't lost.

'Compute,' demanded Queeg.

'If you were with Holly last night, does that mean you're onboard with the plan?' He asked, nodding to Queeg.

'Compute,' Rimmer repeated.

'What plan?' I replied. Lister leaned over and wiped my screen.

'The product of the correlation of vx/dy minus the sum of the set v1 over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of D over f, given that they are constants, and S is an integer variable,' Queeg replied. I was pretty sure that was fake math. Like, that made no sense to even me and I'm the astronav officer. They were math terms, but it was like someone who didn't understand math at all was trying to teach advanced calculations.

'Just one small question...' Rimmer said, had he actually figured it out? I was impressed.

'Yes?' Queeg replied.

'What does "compute" mean?' Rimmer asked. Never mind. Shaking my head, I ran my hands over my face. We were doomed.

'The plan to get rid of Queeg,' Lister replied.

'I thought I was the only one onboard, Holly is doing it too?' I asked.

'Just do it! And you two suckers! Stop shirking and get working!' Queeg yelled at us and I jumped in my seat, heading back to the monitor in front of me. Lister slid away and went back to sweeping with the Cat. I could hear music playing down the hall. An old earth song..

'Do not forsake me, oh my love, I only go, I must be brave: For I must face the man who hates me, Or I will cower in my grave.' Holly wheeled into the drive room. 'Queeg,' he demanded.

'What do you want?' Queeg replied, annoyed.

'I want my ship back,' said Holly. This wasn't a great plan. Oh, why couldn't they have waited for me to finish what I was doing?

'Too bad,' Queeg replied, almost mocking.

'Even if I have to fight for it,' Holly replied. How much did he think I changed in the AI suite? I only organised everything, I still hadn't made any improvements. This is what happens when you leave me out of the planning. He still had updates that needed installing, his OS needed restarting. His uptime was over three million years, the IT guys would flip their lids if they were alive to see that.

'Steady on, Holly. This one's a nutter,' Lister warned. Apparently this wasn't the plan he was expecting. Did they actually plan anything? It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't, I was sharing the corridor with the collective kings of skiving.

'I challenge you to the game of your choice. May the greater mind win,' Holly warned.

'Oh, my God,' said Rimmer, and that was exactly how I felt. I put my head down on the console and groaned. We were all doomed.

'The winner is commander of Red Dwarf,' Holly said, naming the stakes.

'And for the loser?' Queeg raised a brow.

'The loser will be erased. Terminated. Oblivionised' Holly named his terms. Can't believe he was leaving us with Queeg. No, no, this was not a good plan.

'Bye, bye, Baldy,' the Cat waved.

'Name your game,' Holly said.

'Chess,' Queeg replied. Oh god.

'It can be anything. Any game at all,' Holly told him.

'Chess,' replied Queeg, unmoving.

'Draughts, poker, anything,' Holly tried, anything he had more of a chance at winning.

'Chess,' said Queeg.

'Subbeto, Snakes and Ladders...' Holly continued.

'Chess.'

'Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first,' offered Holly.

'CHESS!'

'So you like a bit of chess, do you? Transfer me to the monitor,' Holly said and then disappeared from his mobile unit.

'Holly, don't do this, man. You're going to get rubbed,' said Lister, only confirming this was not the plan he was expecting. I almost couldn't watch.

'A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do. Let battle commence,' said Holly.

'Pawn to King Four.'

'Horsie to King Bish Three.'

'It's called a "knight," actually, Holly...' corrected Rimmer.

'Knight to King Bishop three,' said Queeg.

'Queen to Rook Eight. Checkmate,' said Holly.

'That's an illegal move,' Queeg told him.

'Oh, sorry. Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of poker,' replied Holly.

Rimmer covered his face with one hand, despairing. I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. I put my head back down on the console, I couldn't watch. Hands clasped together, I rested them behind my head, groaning into the counter.

'Cluedo? You could be Colonel Mustard,' offered Holly. The Cat walked up to the screen to have a word with Holly. I wasn't expecting him to be the one to offer any advice.

'If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too.' And that was why. He winked at Holly who humoured him and winked back.

'Thanks, Cat.'

The game continued as we all watched in horror as Holly lost more and more chess pieces gaining few to none. In a matter of mere minutes it was all over. I rubbed my face with my hands. I had to stop this somehow. I had to back Holly up before Queeg had the chance to wipe him. I got up from my seat to head over to the Captain's office while they said their final moves. I dug through the drawers, trying to find an advanced floppy, there had to be one somewhere. Finding one I ran back out and shoved one into Holly's mobile unit.

'Double Check and Mate, sucker!'

'Oh yeah, I didn't see that,' replied Holly.

'Holly, man, what have you done?' asked Lister in shock.

'He's lost,' answered Rimmer.

'And the loser gets erased,' Queeg told us smugly.

'Noughts and Crosses?' asked Holly. He was transferred into the tube tv again. I started the process. I hoped this backup worked fast. It may not restore him to his former glory when I finally work out what's going on in the AI suite but it was enough to stop us from losing him completely. I just hoped it would be enough.

The Cat and Lister perched on the top bunk sulking while Rimmer was doing the same on his, looking thoroughly depressed. I sighed when I walked into the room, now all we had to do was wait, say our final goodbyes and try and survive Queeg until we could come up with something. Anything. I perched beside Rimmer on his bunk and offered him a sympathetic look.

'What kind of a plan was that?' asked Rimmer. I offered him a shrug and tightlipped smile.

'A stupid plan, that's what kind of plan it was,' replied the Cat.

'Well, why didn't we stop him?' asked Lister.

'We thought he had something up his sleeve,' answered Rimmer.

'Now we've got Queeg forever, and that's a long time,' said the Cat.

'Actually,' I told them. 'I made a backup of Holly. I don't know if we'll ever be able to get back the real Holly that we had when we started on this journey but this Holly is better than no Holly. It's better than Queeg. We just have to come up with a way to get rid of that nutter once and for all.'

'You mean you actually had hope we'd get a competent non-psychopathic AI running this ship?' Rimmer raised a brow at me.

'I did, because I was the one working on him,' I grinned proudly.

'So how do you think we can get rid of Queeg?' Lister asked.

'Not through chess, or at least not you guys,' I chuckled. 'I don't know, he keeps trying to keep me out of the AI suite, I think he knows why I'm there, and with Holly no longer around to keep watch, I don't know how I'm going to go back in there.'

'So that's what you two were up to last night,' Rimmer hummed and I nodded.

'Yep,' I said, smiling at him. 'And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dumb Cat.'

'Ay!' The Cat yelled and I giggled. Holly chose then to pop up on screen and the light mood ceased, dropping into a dark, thick cloud of sorrow. I shot him a sympathetic smile. He returned, winking at me.

'Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye,' he said. 'And you Teresa, I'll miss you,'

'So you're definitely going to get rubbed, Holly?' Lister asked.

'Fraid so,' he replied.

'Life's going to be hell!' Rimmer exclaimed. Chewing my cheek, I shot him a sympathetic look, at least we living had the option of rebellion. Rimmer couldn't ever refuse.

'Well, see you, Dave. Hope it works out with you and Kristine,' Holly smiled sadly.

'Cheers, Hol,' Lister replied.

'See you, Cat. Hope one day in the not too distant future you fulfil your heart's desire and get your end away,' Holly told him, I scoffed.

'Thanks, man,' the Cat said.

'Teresa, I truly am sorry I forgot about you,' he said and I laughed.

'It's okay Hol, I was never angry with you,' I told him.

'Still, I hope you fix and build lots of things, maybe invent something cool. Use that brain of yours for something more interesting than astronav. And for what it's worth, I think you would have been a great teacher,' he told me.

'I didn't know you were listening to that,' I smiled back to the conversation I'd had with Lister a few days ago. 'Thanks Holly.'

'And Arnold - Well, I hope you meet those aliens you're looking for, who can give you a body, and you become an officer and you get a sex life, and all the other millions of things you feel you need to make you happy,' Holly told him and I wanted to laugh, but I was too sad. I'd always loved Holly.

'Thanks, Holly.'

'Well, I hate long goodbyes. Perhaps next time you've got the dosh together to go down the disco, you'll raise a glass to your old mate Holly, and think "Things weren't too bad when he was around. Perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented, but we had a giggle." Oh, one last thing - 45.265881' Said Holly.

'What?' asked Lister.

'That's the square root of two thousand and forty-nine. I may not be fast, but I get there in the end. Well, as they always say, finish on a song,' Holly replied. '"I'll say goodbye to love, no one really cared if I should live or die, time and time again the chance for love has passed me by..."

His voice and image slowly faded out and the red erased stamp appeared on screen, I couldn't believe it was over, that he was gone. I'd miss him, I really would. He was always nice to me when I was working on this ship, and now he wasn't here anymore. "ERASE COMPLETED." Queeg appeared.

'Okay, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads. There's only one thing I'm going to say to you,' he said and I was instantly angry.

'What?' Lister asked.

'What's happening, dudes?' Queeg said in Holly's voice. Did he have a trick up his sleeve this whole time? What the hell did he do? I stared at the screen in astonishment. The image on the screen changed, Queeg's face faded out, to be replaced by Holly. He was smiling smugly at us.

'We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July, and August Fool. Yes, that's right, I am Queeg,' he told us. That little shit.

'WHAT?!' Rimmer yelled.

'Queeg never existed. It was me all along,' Holly admitted.

'WHAT?!' Rimmer roared.

'No wonder you were trying to keep me out of the AI room,' I said.

'Wheeze of the week, mate!' Said Holly. 'You almost had me Teresa, you suspected there was no backup computer from the start. And you wouldn't stay away either.'

'WHAT?!' repeated Rimmer.

'Going round in circles for fourteen months! Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopaedia of Space! The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?' said Holly.

'You mean you staged the whole thing?' Lister asked for confirmation.

'That's right, suckers!' he said as Queeg before switching back. 'And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!'

'I could kill you Holly. I could actually go down there and wipe you,' I told him, pushing myself up off the bed.

'You wouldn't 'Resa, you love me,' replied Holly.

'And you're so lucky that I do,' I waggled a finger at him.