Chapter 7: Parallel Universe

Teresa

My head was pounding. I was vaguely aware I was laying something metal and hard rather than the bunk I'd made my own the past few months. Wiggling my toes and fingers I hoped that the reason I'd found myself sore all over and having no memory of how I'd gotten that way, was the result of a bender and not another explosion of some kind. Eventually I found the courage to open my eyes and winced, the lighting was dull, the room still gave off a red glow but it was still undoubtedly too bright for hungover me.

'Oh god...' I groaned, rubbing my forehead. 'What the smeg have I done to myself?'

'There you are Resa, haven't seen you in weeks,' Lister said, kneeling and leaning over me to stare at me, alerting me to another presence in the room. 'Come on, Hol's invented something really cool.'

'Okay, think about what you said really carefully, and then once you have, think really, really hard about saying it again,' I told him as I continued to lay on the floor of the AI suite. He smiled and shook his head.

'So,' he said, changing the subject. 'Do you just come down here to drink or is this where you end up?'

'I used to drink at the end of the day, after hours down here. And then it was when things were getting hard down here, then I'd just drink. So after a while of that I tried to find something else, to do something else, but I always wake up back here. I can't figure it out man,' I said. 'It's driving me mad.'

'You know what you need, darlin'?' he asked, squatting beside me. 'A break. Come on, let's go see the Holly Hop Drive.'

'What's the Holly Hop Drive?' I asked. He offered me a hand and pulled me up to my feet.

'I'll explain on the way,' he said and I nodded.

We took the stairs up to the drive room, to give me more time to wake up. Once we got there, I was instantly annoyed I was even conscious. Lister, Rimmer, the Cat and I stared down at a cardboard box painted red with a red stop button and a green go button glued to the top. I folded my arms over my chest. Damn Holly. I could wipe him. I'd figured out how to do that much at least. I could do it.

'Is this it?' Lister asked, picking up the box.

'What do you think?' Holly seemed proud of himself.

'It's just a box with "STOP" and "START" on it!' Lister said, sounding as annoyed as I felt.

'It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "START," and you can work out the rest of the controls for yourself,' Holly said. I had a theory Holly just liked taking the piss out of us. All these crazy shenanigans were elaborate plans to keep him entertained. Mind you, he had been on his own for three million years, I suppose he'd had to get creative.

'It's absolutely pathetic,' Rimmer commented from the side. I don't know why we all gathered here. The more time I spent on this ship the more faith I lost.

'Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated,' Holy listed off. I scratched the back of my neck. What's the bet this was another April Fools joke? God I could be doing with a lie down, a proper nana nap rather than passing out on the ship floor.

'Get on with it,' Rimmer grumbled.

'It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: ten, nine, eight, six, five-' Holly listed and I sighed, pulling out the astro nave chair and sitting down.

'You missed out the seven,' said Rimmer.

'Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens,' said Holly.

'We're going to die,' Rimmer hummed and I groaned.

'No problem. I'll start lower down. One, blast off,' said Holly.

Lister thumped his hand down on the start button and I rubbed my forehead. God, did I want breakfast. Something spicy and disgusting. I'd have to remember and ask Lister to make me a chilli chutney sandwich. Either that or I ordered volcano noodles from the vending machine and ate it with an entire loaf of bread and two fried eggs on top.

'We've done it. We're home,' announced Holly.

'It worked?' Rimmer asked. I raised an eyebrow and looked at the navicom. Holly had to be messing with us. We were at the exact same coordinates we'd been at before, we hadn't moved a smegging inch.

'We're at Earth? You must be joking!' said Lister, and he was right.

'Half a mo'.' said Hol. He vanished from the monitor, and returned almost immediately. 'It's gone.'

'What has?' asked the Cat.

'The Earth. It's missing. It's not there. Wait a minute -sorry, I was looking out of the wrong window,' realised Holly who then went for another look. 'No, no, it has gone. The entire Solar System is missing.'

'Well, what is actually out there?' asked Rimmer.

'Nothing. Just space,' answered Hol.

'Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth. The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch,' said Rimmer. At least he'd figured it out. I sighed. I wanted to die. Hungover, nauseous and experiencing yet another one of Holly's practical jokes.

'Hmm, I was thinking something along similar lines, at least where the swearing is concerned,' I told him and he ignored me. Go figure. He'd got what he wanted three million and three years ago, and I served no further purpose to him.

'No, no, we have. It's just I don't know where we are. I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed-up,' said Holly.

'What?' asked Rimmer.

'It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger. Wait, there is something there. It's another ship,' said Holly.

'Aliens!' cheered Rimmer, there was definitely something wrong with that boy.

'Punch it up,' ordered Lister.

The screen on the computer revealed a big, red, dirty mining ship floating parallel to us. Somehow, Holly had managed to clone our ship. We were still stuck in deep space but now we had something we could strip for parts at least. We might get lucky and they'd have extra food supplies, three million years was a long journey after all. I sighed. I just wanted to go and lie down.

'It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf,' said Holly.

'Eh? So what's happened?' asked Lister, probably thinking along the same lines as myself. Well, if the thought of cloning had occurred to him. Who knew with Lister. He was exceptionally bright when he wanted to be, but only when he wanted to be.

'Somehow, don't ask me how, we've jumped into a parallel universe. We've entered the fifth dimension,' Holly explained. I raised an eyebrow.

'What?' I asked. I supposed universe hopping was just as plausible as cloning.

'What's the fifth dimension?' asked Rimmer.

'Didn't they get to Number Six with that Baby I Want Your Love Thing?' asked Lister, cracking a joke. I grinned for the first time this morning.

'You've got your basic dimensions, right; length, breadth, depth and time. The fifth dimension is coexisting realities, two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence,' explained Holly.

'Sounds like my parents in bed,' said Rimmer and I cracked up. Laughing like that kind of hurt my head, but it was a very funny one liner. He shot me a look of distaste for laughing and I shot him a narrow glare. Why make a joke if you don't want anyone to laugh? Seriously, what was Rimmer's problem?

'So hang on. This is another Red Dwarf, with another Rimmer and Lister on board,' Lister thought out loud.

'Will they be exactly the same as us?' asked Rimmer.

'No, there will be differences. This is a parallel universe, innit?' said Holly.

'What do you mean?' asked Rimmer.

'Well, for instance, in this universe, it could be that Hitler won the Second World War. It could be something even more incredible, like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer. Hang on, I'm linking up with their on-board computer,' explained Holly.

'There's this old Earth movie I like,' I started explaining to Rimmer, who was actually listening to me for once. 'And it shows two universes running simultaneously and the key difference is whether or not this woman caught the train she was running for or not. It can be something grand that made the change like Holly was saying, like Hitler, or something so small, seemingly insignificant that you wouldn't even imagine it. Like one guy flips a coin or something like that.'

A second face appeared beside Holly, it was similar in shape and features,m save for being much more feminine. She was blonde, and more importantly, female. Which could only mean one thing. Shit. The difference is gender.

'Hello, I'm Hilly,' said the second face.

'Hello, I'm Holly,' said our clearly love struck AI.

'Hello, Holly,' said Hilly.

'Hello, Hilly,' Holly replied. Oh god, hopefully we didn't go on like this all day.

'Well, this is a turn-up, innit? You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out,' Hilly even spoke like our Holly.

'Right on, sis,' agreed Holly.

'See you, Hol,' said Hilly.

'See you, Hil,' Holly said and Hilly faded away. Holly looked at us, nodding to where Hilly's face had been moments ago. 'I'm in there.' I winked at Holly before heading off to one of the dispensers for something that resembled breakfast. And then a small lightbulb of an idea went off in my head. Remembering that thought I'd had earlier, I turned back round on my heel and stuck my head through the door.

'Hey, List?' I grinned at the man. 'Before we go, you don't fancy doing me a real solid do you?'

'What?' he raised a brow, intrigued. I shot him a cheeky look.

'It involves three slices of bread and just as many eggs,' I replied and he laughed.

'A chilli chutney sandwich coming up.' He threw an arm over my shoulder and took me down the kitchen to work some bacteriological warfare magic.

A couple hours later I was feeling much better. The sandwich made with Lister's special, extra spicy homemade chutney had made me sweat out most of the alcohol, and the shower helped with the gross, greasy feeling my skin had. Once I was dressed, I headed down to the shuttle bay and ran a check over the Blue Midget before we went. Shortly after Lister showed up with the Cat, and lucky last to arrive was Rimmer, no surprise there. He'd probably spent the last few hours practising all the bragging he was going to do. How he was going to lie to himself, I had no idea.

Rimmer wasn't pleased I let Lister drive the Blue Midget but he'd had three years of practice while I'd been away in Starbug's stasis system. However I quickly learned that the three years practice he'd had didn't amount to shit.

'It's the gearbox man,' Lister told me. I rolled my eyes.

'I'll have a look at her once we get back, yeah, we should be able to make it like this,' I told him. 'Just let me know if it's shifting too much and you need me to have a wiggle around with it.'

'Nah, we should be able to make it. It's not slippin' that much. I can handle her until we get home,' he told me. Yeah right. Didn't he used to be a Hopper Taxi driver before this? No wonder he didn't get many fares. Mind you, he did steal those hoppers. Imagine being one of his customers. How was he still so bad at driving?

We finally made it to Red Dwarf II with one last lurch of the Midget and docked on safely. I depressurised and entered Red Dwarf's airlock, ready to go and meet our parallel universe selves. I rubbed my head. Still a slight hangover. We stepped onboard the Dwarf, Rimmer first, myself next and Lister, the Cat and Bob the Skutter.

'It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf!' said Rimmer in surprise.

'Very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit,' the Cat said sniffing around. 'It smells like your moon-boots, man. I'm going to get rid of it.' he told Lister and I smiled behind my hand. He pulled out canned scent-marking and slid off down the corridor spraying. 'That's mine, this is mine...'

'So where are the other Rimmer, and Lister, and Kochanski, then?' asked Lister. I replied in a mere shrug as we walked further onto the Dwarf. I wondered what I'd be like. Finally in the main corridor Lister pressed the button for the door to reveal a very shocked looking female version of Lister and Rimmer.

'So, you're not aliens,' said female Rimmer. I smiled to myself. Some things never change. Female Rimmer walked over to male Rimmer and saluted whereas the two Listers got quite close and kind of swayed with each other, hands in their pockets as they looked one another up and down.

'Hi,' said female Lister checking her male counterpart out.

'Hi,' male Lister echoed, doing the same.

'How do you do?' asked female Rimmer, looking smug as she eyed our Rimmer up.

'How do you do?' said male Rimmer, doing the same thing. God, it was like watching someone check themselves out in the mirror.

'So you must be Lister?' said my Lister.

'And you are too,' his female counterpart replied.

'I hope so,' he joked.

'You must be Rimmer. So am I,' said female Rimmer.

'Splendid,' he replied.

'Deb,' female Lister introduced.

'Dave,' Lister replied.

'Arnold,' Rimmer told female him.

'Arlene,' she replied.

'Indeedy,' he agreed and I was almost rolling my eyes. This was worse than Hilly and Holly. Was this ever going to end? I'd need to say something if I was going to make it out of today without killing myself.

'Right, and I'm Teresa, where can I find myself?' I asked. I needed some intelligent conversation, stat. This was going on like a scene from a low budget sitcom.

'Terrence is back there in the shuttle bay somewhere getting greasy,' Arlene informed me, a small look of disgust on her face. Was she not also a technician? Our Rimmer got plenty dirty back in the day. Mind you, he hadn't liked it very much.

'He said he'd be down fixing the blue midget that got the sticky gearbox if you were after some intelligent conversation after you arrived,' Deb smiled, laughing to herself.

'It's like he read my mind,' I smiled back. 'You gonna be alright, Dave?'

'Yeah, go on kid, go see to yourself,' he shooed me off and I hurried back down the hallway excitedly. I wondered what a male version of myself would be like. In minutes I was down in the shuttle bay and I could hear the sound of welding equipment echoing across the otherwise soulless room. I jogged over and dove under the spacecraft.

'Hey Terrence,' I greeted, yelling slightly over the noise of the machinery. 'I'm Teresa, after some of that intelligent conversation you were offering.'

'Hey Teresa,' the male version of myself greeted, matching my volume.

His face was obscured due to the welding mask he was wearing, so I couldn't get a good grasp on what I looked like here. As if reading my mind once again, he turned off his torch and flipped up his visor. There was a dark grease smear across his cheek and a warm smile on his face. He had high cheekbones, and a sharp jawline, soft laugh lines, and neat, cropped brown hair that was a bit messy on top. His blue eyes sparkled as he looked at me, giving me the once-over I was giving him. I could see, now, why Lister told me that guys chased me because of my smile. Terrence was gorgeous. Hopefully that wasn't narcissistic. Even if it was, he still sent sweat to my palms and palpitations to my heart. In one fleeting moment Rimmer was all but forgotten about. This had to be wrong somehow, finding yourself this attractive. It was like magnetism.

'Deb's right, you do have a beautiful, if not a little cheeky, smile,' Terrence told me. Beaming and blushing slightly, I brushed some hair behind my ear. Damn it. Was I also this smooth?

'Thanks, you too,' I told him. 'You have nice cheekbones.'

'You too,' he agreed. 'You wanna help me fix this?'

'You reckon our Midget has the same problem?' I asked.

'Did your Lister take it out to the first planet with a breathable atmosphere and scrape the underneath so badly the gears are out of alignment?' he asked.

'I imagine he did, but he hasn't told me,' I replied. 'How'd you find out?'

'Read her diary while drunk,' Terrence told me. 'I accidentally opened it, read one page, realised what it was and put it back. Felt bad about it for an hour or two and blurted it all out. She just laughed and said it was no bother, that I probably wouldn't remember it in the morning anyway. Yet here we are.'

'Here we are,' I nodded. 'I could kill him. This is going to be so annoying to fix back there by myself.'

'Sucks to be you, I have an extra pair of hands,' Terrence laughed. 'Make him help you when you get back.'

'I'm going to, now I know it's his fault,' I laughed and moved to hold things in place. He handed me my own welding mask and gloves which I quickly put on. We laughed like this and worked together for a few hours. Who knew you could be your own best friend?

Lister

Deb and I walked into what would be me sleeping quarters, and passed the fridge. We'd been chatting amongst ourselves trying to wrap our heads around the alternate universes we'd each come from. And man, was it hectic. So far our lives seemed to have progressed the same way, so there was that though.

'So, you come from a universe which is exactly the same as ours?' I asked and paused by the fridge. 'Can I?'

'Yeah,' Deb nodded. Taking out two cans, I handed one to her.

'Only everything's ... opposite?' I continued, trailing off. Man this was weird. We walked over to the bunks, leaning against them as we chatted.

'Oh, I don't know if everything's opposite. It seems like that,' replied Deb.

'So you come from a female-orientated society?' I found meself asking.

'Well, it's not exactly female-orientated anymore, not since the sixties. You know, the equal-rights-for-men marches. You know, they burned their jockstraps and all that,' Deb replied, grinning at the thought of them burning their jocks. It was a pretty outrageous thought, and I found meself morbidly fascinated. Grinning, I wanted to know more.

'Stop!' he scoffed. He was so surprised to hear the opposite parallel to his Earth history.

'Haven't you read The Male Eunuch by Jeremy Greer?' Deb asked.

'So, your history is parallel to ours as well? So, hang on... erm, who was the first person on the moon?' I quizzed.

'Nellie Armstrong,' she told me.

'NELLIE Armstrong? So... who wrote Hamlet?' I said, trying to catch her out. This had to be a wind up, I was quite known for it, so maybe I was doing it to meself.

'Will Shakespeare,' answered Arlene who had just entered the sleeping quarters with Rimmer.

'Ah, so he was a bloke,' I said, pointing at them thinking I had one.

'No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare,' Debbie replied.

'Yeah, she wrote all the greats; Rachel the Third, The Taming of the Shrimp,' Arlene continued, pacing around in a march as she lectured. Rimmer watched for a moment before becoming distracted by the magazines displayed on the table. They were as bad as his skin mags back home, only this didn't all have girls on them that bore a striking resemblance to Resa.

'My god, what's this?' he asked in disgust. He stared in disdain down at the oiled, half naked men in the picture. I wondered if this was close to what Terrance looked like.

'Oh, Camera Monthly magazine,' Arlene replied, nonchalantly.

'But, it's disgusting! It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars,' Rimmer protested.

'What's wrong with that? You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you?' Arlene asked.

'So, sexual attitudes are opposite as well?' I asked, mildly amused.

'What was that, my little cupcake?' Arlene asked, walking over to lean far into me personal space.

'Your little what?' I asked, ready to punch the hologram.

'But, it just looks ridiculous! I mean, these models are deformed! Hugely deformed,' Rimmer threw his arms out. 'It makes one feel quite... inadequate,' he said in a quieter voice, trying nonchalantly to cover his crotch with his hands. Bad luck for you, Resa.

'I wouldn't worry about that, my pretty,' said Arlene, coming back over and giving him a slap and grope to the rear.

'Hey, the holograms can touch each other!' Deb pointed out. I nodded, laughing. Unfortunately, we were interrupted in our making fun of Rimmer as the Cat skidded into the room, looking irritated.

'Hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, but is there somebody missing?' he asked indignantly. Maybe she was hiding, Frankie used to hide a little when knew people were about, maybe human cats did the same.

'How do you mean?' said Deb.

'Well,' he said, pointing to her and me. 'Lister, female opposite,' he then moved to Arlene and Rimmer. 'Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?'

'Oh, right. Mooching around on the Cargo Decks, I think,' Deb replied.

'Wow! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not - I repeat, do not - come to the rescue! Whaaaaaoooooooow!' the Cat yowled and slid down the hallway, bouncing as he sang 'I'm gonna get you, little kitty...'

'I think he's in for a bit of a shock,' said Deb.

'Why?' I asked.

'His opposite isn't female,' said Deb.

'What is it?' I asked.

'It's a dog,' grinned Deb.

Teresa

'Man, that went so much quicker with two sets of hands, didn't it?' Terrence asked me. I smiled up at him. After heading back to the tool shed to return our stuff we'd decided to take a walk through the cargo bay to get to know each other better. I found it fascinating all the opposites here and so did he about my universe. I was almost doing half skips as we walked.

'You wanna smell my WHAT!?' I heard the Cat yell in disgust.

'Why sure! Don't you wanna smell me?' asked a hillbilly sounding fellow. I raised an eyebrow.

'I'm sorry, what animal did Lister store in the hold?' I asked.

'In this universe it's a dog,' Terrence explained.

'Oh, so that guy evolved from a dog, I was expecting there to be a female cat or something,' I responded. He shook his head.

'You'll like him, he's very friendly. Smells a bit. I've been trying to convince him to take a bath but he hates them,' Terrence explained.

'I'll help you, if you like,' I told him. 'I've always liked dogs, wanted one myself. Course, Kristine always wanted a pony. She got one actually, at cyber school.'

'Hey, my brother Kristopher was well into ponies too. Managed to get one in cyberschool, it's funny the parallels, isn't it,' he commented. We got closer to the two animals and I could see Terrence was right, he did smell rather a bit.

'Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When was the last time you took a bath?' said the Cat.

'Oh please, don't say that word!' pleaded Dog.

'What, bath?' the Cat asked.

'You said it again! Now listen up: if y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it,' Dog asked. I smiled. The centuries old human trick.

'When was the last time you took a B - A - T - H?' asked Cat.

'What's that?' Dog asked and I snorted. I was standing next to Terrence when Dave wandered in from the other side of the corridor. I smiled at him.

'Yo, Cat. There you are. C'mon, errm, we're going to the disco,' Lister said. 'You coming, 'Resa?'

'What?' asked Cat.

'Yeah, Holly says it's gonna take seventeen hours to repair the Hop Drive,' Dave said. He sniffed the air in Dog's direction, looking a little disgusted. He must be bad for even Lister to be put off. 'So I thought we'd, you know, go and have a few...' he slapped his face as a flea hopped on him.

'Alright, let's go! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on!' said Cat.

'I'll meet you down there, yeah? Terrence and I are going to uh, play with Dog,' I said. Lister shot me a funny look but nodded. He waved his goodbyes and headed off with Cat.

'What, really?' Dog asked, excited. If he had a tail to wag, it would be up. 'I like your new friend.'

'Why don't we go upstairs to chase the hose,' I suggested.

'Oh I like that game, I'm very good at biting the water,' he told me. I smiled and nodded, where Cat was arrogant, Dog was humble and cute. A little smelly though. Really smelly actually.

Rimmer

Eyes scanning over the disco, I eyed Lister and Deb dancing with each other with pint mugs of lager, showing off to each other identical signature moves. Cat stood by the bar, combing his hair while Arlene sat with me by a table with holo-friendly beverages. I was admittedly quite envious that Deb and Lister were hitting it off, and Teresa was somewhere getting along with Terrance no doubt.

'Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?' I commented, trying my best to come up with some conversation.

'Yes,' Arlene agreed. 'Absolutely.'

'Oh yes,' I said, just sitting there jiggling both my knees, weighted down by overbearing nervousness. I should be practising my best lines, who knew when I could get another chance with Teresa. This was my opportunity to shine, plus, maybe her seeing me with Arlene would drive her mad with jealousy.

'Like a house on fire,' Arlene continued.

'You can say that again,' I agreed.

'Oh, yes,' said Arlene. 'Yes,' she said, bringing about an uncomfortable pause between the two of us. God, was I really this insufferable. No wonder Teresa didn't fancy me. 'Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here.'

'Oh yes, yes,' I agreed, no less nervous. 'Funny, really. I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex.'

'No, I'm not. I run out of things to say,' said Arlene. There was another long pause. It was just plain painful.

'Me, too,' I said with another long pause sitting between us. 'So, you're a girl, then?' I asked. There was another pause while Arlene nodded, amused. I wanted to eat my fist.

'Yes,' she answered.

'That's nice,' I replied.

'Hang on,' Arlene lurched forward out of her chair. 'Haven't you got something in your eye?' she said, pointing at me and making strong eye contact. I paused, almost falling for it before a dawning horror, I realised what was happening. She was using my lines, no doubt to practice before she chatted up Terrance!

'You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?' I demanded whilst breaking our eye contact.

'No, of course not,' Arlene defended.

'Well, stop staring,' I told her. There, very firm. Good job Arnie.

'I'm not staring,' Arlene defended.

'Yes you are,' I said, keeping my eyes away.

'Okay, I read it in this book. It's great for picking up bits tottie,' Arlene gave up the game. Although her explanation only seemed to make me more uncomfortable. Upset even. How could she talk about me like that? I was a man.

'Well, I'd hardly describe myself as a bit of tottie,' I said indignantly.

Teresa

Terrence, Dog and I were in the communal showers in the shuttle bay that the mech's often used. We'd turned on several shower hoses at full blast and let them run wild so Dog wouldn't notice Terrence and I rubbing soap and shampoo on him every time we petted him. He rinsed himself off just as quickly so he was none the wiser in the end. Now if only we could get him a comb.

'Oh, you're all wet now Dog,' I said, sounding sad. 'Perhaps you should grab some new clothes, shake off a little before we go down the disco.'

'Yeah, alright, I'll meet you there,' he agreed easily. 'Say, I think playing with the hose scared off all them fleas.'

'Probably,' I grinned, waving him off.

'Or,' Terrence countered, once Dog was out of earshot. 'It was the anti-flea treatment we squeezed on the back of his neck while he was trying to chew water.'

'Yeah,' I smirked at him. 'Probably that.'

'We make a good team,' he told me.

'Yeah, me, myself and I,' I smiled.

'Wait, where's I, there's only me and myself here,' Terrence joked and I giggled. I brushed some hair behind my ear. The only part of this plan that had gone a little awry was that now we were both soaked as well. Terrence stood beside me, leaning one arm on the wall as he looked down at me. Arlene and Deb were reasonably similar in height, save for a few inches to their counterparts, I didn't understand how mine had gotten so tall.

'Now we both smell like wet dog though,' he said, brushing a bit more of my hair behind my ear.

'Yeah, maybe we should go clean up before we go down the disco, too,' I suggested. I knew I'd get shit from Rimmer, and Lister and would definitely ask why I was soaking.

'Yeah,' Terrence agreed. He leaned in swiftly and pressed his lips to mine. I froze up. It wasn't as if he wasn't a good kisser but, he was me. This was weird. He pulled back like he'd been burned, cleared his throat rather harshly. 'Uh, I'm so sorry. That was wrong, I just, well... sorry.'

'No it's alright,' I told him. 'That was weird, wrong, but, I'd kind of been wanting to do it too. Very strange. Guess my sister was right, I do quite fancy myself.'

'Seems my brother as well,' Terrence chuckled. 'Come on, we'll nick you some of Deb's clothes, she won't mind if you borrow them until yours dry. Arlene will kill us if I lend you any of hers. What does she need them for anyway, she's dead.'

'I know,' I nodded. 'Our Rimmer is just as annoying, trust me. I'm just hoping he'll learn something after meeting himself.'

'Doubt it,' Terrence replied with a snort.

Rimmer

Arlene got up from her chair, swaggering over to me as I tried to pull away, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. She leaned right in over me, her holographic breath fanning hotly over my face.

'Ohhh, yes. Tottie, tottie, tottie,' she said, slurring her words slightly.

'I think you've had rather too much to drink. I always get like this when I'm tanked,' I told her, trying to lean away.

'C'mon, you're interested,' she said right in his face.

'I assure you, I'm not,' I defended, trying to get away.

'Why are you giving me all the signs, then?' she asked.

'What signs?' I said desperately. If only there was somewhere to run. I needed to get out of here, find a way to hide out until we got back to our ship.

'Wearing such tight-fit trousers?' she asked, gripping me hard between the legs.

'They're not tight,' I said as I tried to remain in my composure. It wasn't easy when someone had their hand on your crotch.

'Of course they are. You're begging for it,' Arlene groaned as she rocked into me, leaning in impossibly close. God, I needed to get out of here.

'I'm not tottie, and I'm not begging for anything!' I defended myself.

'C'mon, give us a snog! I promise I won't try and take off your underpants,' Arlene bargained.

'Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of g- boy,' I said, almost slipping up and Arlene shot up with a loud sigh. As if all of this was an inconvenience to her. She moved over back to her own seat but not before announcing to the room with large pointing gestures that I was frigid.

'You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing!' I said, disgusted. This was completely opposite to the way I was with women. She was deranged.

'Why? How many have you got?' she smirked.

Teresa

'Feel better now you're all dry?' Terrence asked as I stepped out of Rimmer and Lister's quarters where he stepped out of mine, well, his.

'Much,' I agreed. My hair was still soaked but at least I was clean, dry and no longer smelled of wet dog. We headed to the disco, ready to let loose with the others, seeing as we still had ages until the hop drive was repaired. Things certainly looked lively as we walked in to discover the pets having a dance off. I smiled endearingly at Dog's cute but rather shit dance moves.

I looked over to see Lister by the bar, and Rimmer with Arlene's tongue down his ear. I screwed my face up, repulsed but as I got closer, he looked just as uncomfortable as I felt. Seems Rimmer had found my Todhunter, unfortunately for him, his Todhunter was himself. Hopefully he learned something, but it was doubtful.

'Listy! How are you, me old mate, come and join us, please, god, come and join us!' Rimmer called out. I put on a deep scowl. Marching over before Terrence could do anything but follow. Looking interrupted, Arlene pulled back, squeezing Rimmer's pec and stopping to mutter something to Dave.

'What the hell was that?' I demanded.

'She thinks I'm frigid,' Rimmer told me.

'Has she ever considered sexual assault isn't the way to a man's heart? Honestly, she's behaving like half the officers on our ship,' I rolled my eyes. 'It's disgusting.'

'You tell her that, she's your kind,' Rimmer demanded.

'My kind?' I raised a brow.

'He means female,' Lister shook his head beside him.

'I've never tried beating up a hologram Rimmer, but I can't imagine I'd have much luck,' I told him.

'Hang on a minute,' Lister said, looking up at me. 'That looks like my London Jets football tee but it can't be, that's back on the Dwarf.'

'Terrence and I hosed down the dog earlier because the smell and the fleas were driving me nuts, and the unfortunate byproduct was getting drenched, Terrence said Deb wouldn't mind,' I shrugged.

'Wouldn't mind what?' Deb asked from behind me.

'Had to borrow some clothes,' I replied, turning.

'Oh yeah, Terrence said you'd managed to get the Dog to wash,' she nodded. 'You look quite good in my clothes, kid, your brother always seemed to like to borrow a thing or two.'

'Uh thanks, listen, you don't mind if I go ruff Arlene up a little, do you?' I asked and she laughed.

'I'd pay to see it,' she told me.

I marched over to where Terrence was talking with Arlene, my moderately sized nostrils flaring. I put my hands on my hips as I stood there, staring at her.

'Have you ever considered Arlene that maybe your attitude towards men is the reason we've never had more than that one kiss 3 million years ago? You're completely disgusting,' Terrence said. Clearly I'd just walked into an argument. I turned on my heel and scurried away.

'Apparently,' I said sitting down with Arnold, Dave and Deb. 'I'm already reading her the riot act.'

'Well great minds think alike,' Rimmer shrugged. 'Plus, maybe it's better he's off there doing it, a big strapping bloke like himself. Might stand a better chance.'

'Excuse me?' I pulled back, I raised an eyebrow. 'What did you just say?'

'Yeah, she might be a hologram but why couldn't Resa take her in a fight?' asked Deb. 'Traditionally it's the women sorting out those kinds of things anyway. It's chivalry isn't it?'

'Well it's just, Terrence is so big and tough looking, and Teresa is so small and..'

'And what, Rimmer?' I glared at him.

'Hey man you'd better leave it,' Lister tried to step in.

'Forget it, Dave,' I scowled. 'I think I've just figured it out. Anyway, I've just remembered Terrence had something he'd pilfered from the science decks that he wanted to show me.'

I pushed myself up out of my chair and headed away, back to the not mine but kind of mine quarters. What the hell was wrong with Rimmer? I don't know why I ever felt sorry for him, he was a complete smeghead. And as for the adoring look all those years ago, that made me want to kiss him, it must have been a result of all the drugs the medical team had pumped him full of. No, Rimmer was and always had been a smeghead. I've wasted months thinking about this. No more.