Chapter 89: Alive
It didn't take long for him to notice Duo's odd behavior remained throughout the journey back to earth and extended into their arrival home.
The staring wasn't the problem. Heero found himself constantly under Duo's watchful eyes and he understood that need to connect. It was a feeling he experienced before, when Duo was shot back in December and he thought he'd lose him. At the time he wanted so badly to bring Duo home with him and care for him in his recovery, and he hated himself when his inability to control his emotions made him a bad candidate. Knowing Quatre and Trowa were caring for him didn't ease that desire to see with his own eyes that he was okay. The same feelings took control after HQ, and he recalled well how Duo snapped at him for being overbearing.
He knew that pull, that visceral need to confirm someone he loved was okay. What he didn't understand was how every time he looked up to catch Duo spying on him, his baka looked stricken. There was always surprise, and at times a little terror, flashing ever so quickly through his eyes.
It wasn't even dinnertime on the first day before he wanted to dissect that look.
By bedtime he wanted to wipe that look straight off his partner's face.
He was grateful for Duo's help getting him in and out of the bathroom, a little annoyed by his help getting changed, impatient when he refused to allow him to use crutches without standing right next to him, and tiring fast of the little things like his water glass being instantly refilled and his medication quietly slipped next to it at precisely the required time. He begrudgingly allowed Duo to help situate him on his side of the bed, pillows freshly fluffed and sheets preemptively turned down when it was finally time for sleep.
Duo even tucked him in, which was sweet, but a lot.
And though he considered it all overkill, he could live with being doted on for a time. If it helped Duo, he could put up with an awful lot. What he couldn't stand, what made him tense, hurt, and angry while laying on his back looking at the ceiling, was how Duo laid on his own side of the bed and watched him from afar.
For an average sized bed, large enough to fit two adults without copious extra space, Duo managed to make himself feel entirely across the room. They'd never slept in a bed this size without touching, outside of that one very awkward night at Relena's. Even if they weren't actively embraced, a leg would touch, a foot would wrap, or a hand would find its way. But Duo may as well be teetering off the edge of the mattress. And he was staring. Still staring.
Heero hated it.
"Are you not going to sleep next to me?"
Though he hadn't turned to look, he knew Duo's gaze remained steady, undeterred.
"I am next to you."
"You're so far I can't even feel your body heat."
He turned his head and met Duo's eyes. That reaction was back, that flinch. He was long tired of seeing it.
"You're still recovering. I don't wanna hurt you."
Annoyed, he moved to turn onto his side and instantly Duo's voice, louder and with a not so subtle undertone of panic, pierced the relative silence of the bedroom and made him freeze.
"Don't! You could pull your wound open. Don't turn on your side!"
They maintained eye contact while Heero slowly relaxed back into the bed. He saw relief in Duo's eyes. He didn't want to see relief. He wanted to see joy.
"If you won't let me move, then why don't you come here?"
"I told you already. I don't wanna hurt you."
"I'll be fine."
"You don't know that."
Frustrated, Heero turned back to look at the ceiling. He allowed himself a moment to control his emotions and thought back to his conversation with Howard in December. Don't tell Duo how to feel or act. Let him know you need help and he'll want to help you. It was something like that, the actual words weren't fully coming to him at the moment.
"What I know is that I missed having you next to me when I was in the hospital. And I would feel much better if you were closer."
There was a long pause while the room stilled. Hopelessness drifted into Heero's heart, and he wondered just what actions he could take to help Duo ease back into himself again. He'd require time to cope with everything that happened, but thus far he appeared to reject initial steps towards healing. The man he loved was always comforted by his caring touch. To demand he stay away was—
The mattress dipped as Duo shifted, and Heero held his breath as he finally felt a familiar warmth settle in by his side. He didn't exhale until he realized Duo would not reach out for him. Then, he turned to face the other man. Years of training was all that kept him from showing his surprise when he realized just how close his partner was. That new, reactive flinch he so hated was still present the second they made eye contact. Their noses nearly touched as they examined one another, and he felt soft breath against him. Apparently, he wasn't the only one who wanted close proximity. He was simply the only one uninterested in denying it.
In a soft whisper he admitted "Thank you. That's better."
Duo merely smiled sadly. It wasn't the response he wanted.
"Why won't you touch me?"
He didn't mean to speak those words so breathlessly, and in the recesses of his mind he felt in any other circumstance he might be embarrassed. Duo sucked in his lower lip and lightly bit into it before responding.
"I do touch you. I've been touching you all day."
"That's not what I meant."
Duo was clearly choosing not to elaborate. Heero felt he must be banking on not getting a clearer question, or on his inability to express himself in nuance. It was an old tactic, and one that wouldn't work anymore. Not after everything he did to change.
"You'll touch me like a caretaker without hesitation. But you don't touch me like lover. You don't even touch me as a friend."
He listened to Duo's quiet breathing, wondering if that was enough to get a real answer. It was.
"I'm afraid to."
"Afraid of what? I welcome your touch. I love your touch."
"I'm afraid if I touch you... you'll disappear."
Of course was all that entered Heero's head. How could he forget Duo telling him with such intensity how wonderful things were always taken from him? He was so upset when those words came tumbling out, days before they headed to L2. There was so much anxiety in his voice as he insisted he never got what he wanted, so much certainty that he carried a curse and that his happiness, their happiness, wouldn't last. He couldn't help but wonder if perhaps that belief was why Duo did the horrible thing he did at the hospital, but he'd ask about that another time.
"I told you," he said, extending his neck a little further until their lips tickled one another, "that I'd fight to the very end to stay with you."
Heero closed in and kissed Duo gently until the tension in his shoulders eased. With Duo relaxed some, he allowed a bit of his hunger to unleash, and ran his tongue along Duo's bottom lip to request entry. He silently willed Duo to move even closer, to lean over him and allow him the option of touch. After all, he was on orders to remain on his back. The last thing he wanted, finally tasting Duo in the way he'd desired all day, was to have his baka pull away because of a ridiculous notion that he might further injure himself.
Duo, it appeared, could occasionally read minds.
He didn't see Duo move, not with his eyes closed, but he felt him roll fully over, one arm still somewhat trapped between them and the other now clenched in the pillow beside his ear, bracing himself above. He felt the weight of Duo's braid land by his side, and the warmth of Duo's body from head to toe. Their new position allowed Heero to reach up with his free arm and run his fingers up Duo's side and across his back until his hand rested on the nape of his neck. He used that hand to drag Duo into a deeper kiss.
This was what he was missing since the hospital. Not necessarily sexually charged intimacy, but any physical intimacy. He found he needed this reassurance as much as Duo seemed to need it, because neither of them wanted to break apart. Unfortunately, a lack of air was not compatible with human life, and eventually they needed to separate just enough to live. He heard a small whimper from Duo when he pulled away, but he didn't move far. They remained tantalizingly close. Close enough that Duo's eyes were still shut.
"I'm here, Duo." He placed a kiss on the corner of lightly bruised lips. "I'm still here, just as promised."
At those words Duo made a choked and painful sound, his eyes squeezing tightly shut. Before Heero could ask what was wrong or attempt to comfort him he was roughly pulled into another searing kiss. Duo's hand shifted from the bed and into his hair, threading through the locks at the back of his neck and twisting around the longer bits with a subconscious pull that tilted his head just right.
Everything about Duo's kiss screamed of urgency, and Heero let him take the lead, meeting the possessiveness of his partner with his own.
His senses were overrun with Duo. His smell, his feel, his taste. He shifted enough to wrap a second arm around Duo's waist, fingers sneaking under his shirt in that narrow space between the elbow his lover was leaning all of his weight onto and the elastic band of his cotton pants.
For a man who so accurately kept time in his head under the pressures of a life or death mission, Heero couldn't begin to guess how long they remained desperately connected. This time it was Duo who broke their kiss, breathing heavily and then suddenly gasping for breath as his every muscle became tense. Normally he would be slowly catching his breath. Now it was becoming more labored, a clear sign of duress.
Duo was shaking when he collapsed into Heero's side to bury his face in the crook of his neck. He held tightly to Heero's shoulders, careful not to position his hold too close to fresh bandages even in his overwhelmed state, his long braid now laying across Heero's chest.
Without hesitation, Heero pulled the end to linger between his fingers and wrap in his grasp. His other hand gently stroked the soft skin at the very base of Duo's back. Even with scars from battle, and maybe some from a hard life, that skin was a tactile experience Heero found incredibly indulgent.
"I'm here, Duo."
He kept his voice as soothing as he could manage.
"I'm still here. You didn't lose me. Just breathe, okay, love?"
A deep and shuddering breath from the man in his arms eased his worries. Duo wasn't completely checked out. He was listening, and he was slowly calming down. With every additional verbal reassurance that he hadn't died, with each small pattern traced onto his skin, he fell into a welcomed stillness. Duo was too high strung for sleep, but he did relax. This was a win, in Heero's mind. He couldn't imagine how exhausted his baka must be.
Heero eventually drifted off, content to have Duo near, the warmth of his body and the rhythm of his heartbeat lulling him. It was the first time since being in the hospital that he felt truly at peace. On the shuttle ride home there was barely enough room just for himself in the single small bunk Duo forced him to use. The craft was not meant for long hauls and overnights and thus he was denied the comfort of Duo laying by his side. Being together, comfortable like before, was like a dream. And he couldn't help the slight smile that curled onto his face as he fell into what he thought would be a restful sleep.
It didn't last long.
Strong arms were encircled tightly around him when he finally woke in a sweat. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, and he could feel pain from stressed wounds. Eventually the soft sound of Duo's comforting voice reached his ears and it dawned on him that he'd just experienced a nightmare. It'd been years since he woke that way, and even more since he'd woken from a nightmare to find himself held in Duo's protective arms. Visions flooded back to him, and he shuddered at his recall, which signaled that he was awake. Those arms around him relaxed but never released him.
Duo's breath was warm and reassuring against his ear as he whispered "You finally fell into a deep sleep, and not long after you were thrashing in duress. I'm sorry if I grabbed you too tightly, but it was all I could do to stop you from aggravating your injuries." Heero nodded a reassurance before Duo asked "Do you wanna talk about it?"
He shook his head.
"Was it about the last couple days?"
He nodded and found himself enveloped further into Duo's warmth. They didn't converse, but the combination of his exhaustion, the low vibration he felt as Duo spoke comforting words, the fingers gently tracing circles on his skin, and the body heat beside him eventually soothed Heero back to sleep.
When he woke again it was morning. He didn't feel Duo's touch. He reached to the other side of the bed and found cold sheets.
"Don't try and jump outta bed like usual, your ankle can't take it right now."
Heero froze. The injury to his ankle was a sensitive topic, and he didn't have the patience for it first thing upon waking but it was better than talking about his nightmare.
"My ankle was just fine before I woke up in the damn hospital! How the hell did it get—"
He turned to see Duo sitting across the room in a chair, using his bed table as a desk while he typed on a laptop. The sight was not one he expected, and for a short moment he wondered if this was how Duo felt, all those years ago, when he'd awaken to find an empty bed and inevitably find him on a laptop, working. His past self was an idiot. He should've taken more time to enjoy Duo's company. Thankfully, he'd gotten smarter over the years. He hoped Duo hadn't done the opposite.
"What are you doing?"
"Mission report."
He felt his stomach drop.
"On L2?"
"Mhm."
"You don't need to do that right now. I'm sure Une can wait—"
"It's best to write them fresh. Plus I got plans later."
Plans? Heero was very curious what Duo meant by plans, but he was afraid to ask. They'd only been home a little more than a day, but he immediately understood his partner had no intentions of letting him out of his sight. If Duo made plans, perhaps he was going somewhere? Grocery shopping, a trip to HQ to report to Une, going back to his own place if only to grab some clothes... anything was preferable to him being chained to the apartment.
When Duo stayed in one place too long he tended to get antsy. And judging by yesterday's behavior he wouldn't be allowed to do anything on his own. Every time he moved Duo was there to escort him, even just shifting his position on the sofa involved an entire questionnaire about cushion positioning and what items he wanted within reach.
There was no way in hell he'd question any plans Duo made and risk him canceling. So instead, he focused on the report.
"It wasn't even a sanctioned mission, right? So why does Une need a full report?"
"Didn't start that way, but get a boatload of Preventers in one place at one time dealing with the shit we dealt with, and it ends up a mission if only to cover our asses." He stopped to think for a few seconds but his eyes never left the screen. "Plus we neutralized a threat that Preventers arrested and tracked down months ago. Hell, you're the one who collared the arrest. Then he used loopholes to force bail and skip town, and eventually... Well, you know. So it's all kinda related."
He didn't know. Not really. The only reason he knew anything that occurred while he was out of commission wasn't because Duo was forthcoming. It was because Wufei, Quatre, and Relena's stupid brother, no, he reminded himself, Duo's good friend, fed him bits of it in the few minutes Duo left his side to use the bathroom during the long shuttle ride back to Earth. A mission report would mean detailed descriptions of events. While he urgently wanted to read such a report, he wasn't sure Duo was ready to relive what happened in order to write it.
"What exactly are you putting in your report?
"The facts as I know them."
"Which are?"
"An account of actions taken."
He was afraid to ask the obvious question, but didn't let that stop him.
"Any motive?"
Without looking up from his computer, Duo asked "Would you like to get out of bed? I can fetch your crutches."
That was... odd. He hadn't expected Duo to fully ignore his question, but the tone of his response and his overall demeanor caused him to drop the subject.
"Yeah, getting out of bed would be great. Thank you."
Duo stood and grabbed the crutches left leaning on a far wall the previous night. Heero wondered if their inconvenient distance was to deter him from walking around on his own without his partner's watchful eyes on him. Patiently, he waited. When Duo handed him the crutches and finally looked at him, Heero made sure to meet his gaze.
That flinch was back.
He knew it wouldn't be so easy. Just holding him and giving reassurances was never going to be enough to correct that behavior. Time was needed for Duo to come down from whatever edge he was on, and he was determined to continue to be patient.
He was determined to see that flinch gone.